On TV and shiny new objects

S: "He wants me out, he wants to pretend we didn't happen, and that I didn't exist."

V: "Well he thinks that is going to make him feel better. But it won't, it will just make him feel ... alone."
S: "I know the feeling."
V: "Me too."
- Private Practice, 1/21/10

Work has gotten very busy and I have to say I'm enjoying the challenge. It is a topic I consciously do not blog about in detail, but when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week somewhere, it tends to be on your mind. The work world and personal world I've always kept separate and I plan to continue to do so. Generally, I can say that I'm enjoying myself and the projects I'm getting to work on. I guess it just feels good to be productive and value added.

Last week I saw the premiere of The Deep End on ABC. I liked the pilot, but I didn't like how the title was used twice in the dialogue between characters. The beginning of a series is always hard because if the show doesn't pan out for the network, you end up having invested time into a story and then it goes away. If you don't know, it is a show about 4 new attorneys in a firm. I'll see how I like the second episode today. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm not a Law and Order fan. Not that I don't like the show, there are just so many of them and I'm more full series oriented. I have other shameful things in my closest like not being a West Wing fan either. I just caught up to it too late and now it feels dated, so I would think. It is always hard to catch up on a show. While I'm here let me list more shows I don't watch, but should: Entourage, Mad Men, Dexter, CSI, 24 and Weeds. I watch enough TV though, so maybe that extra time is well spent doing other things.

I'm looking forward to the series finale of Dollhouse on Fox this Friday. I think it could have gone for one more season and still kept my interest. Joss Whedon does some great work. I'm kind of confused because the title of the episode is "epitaph two" and I never saw "epitaph one." I should research that.

On Wednesday, the iPad came out. I enjoy following these type of announcements, especially all the rumors leading up to them. I was hoping for some iPhone news, but there was none, so I guess I'll be waiting until June. It is probably a good time to upgrade if they come out with a cool new version. I wasn't happy with the name iPad, hoping it would be called the Slate or iTablet. It looks pretty cool, but it is more like a large iPod Touch. I don't think I'll get one, but I'm sure the second version I'll be wanting. I have an iPhone, a desktop PC computer at home, a PC at work, and a 13in Macbook Pro. I just don't think I have room for an iPad in my life. Here are my complaints since I'm on the internet and that is what the internet is for. I would have liked a webcam, an sd card slot and a usb slot. Multitasking would be nice as well. I'm very happy about the keyboard accessory, which I wish my iPhone had, though I'd probably never use it.

Wednesday night was the State of the Union. I don't think I have missed one since maybe 1997 or so. The speech was good I thought, but it seemed to be directly mainly at independents and conservatives and largely ignored the left. It focused mainly on the economy and jobs, which is very important. I don't know why I even worry about things I can't control like politics, but I still think about it a lot. The President is accused at times of being too liberal, but it seems likes most of his policies are too right wing for my tastes. But its a good attack tactic, since people start to believe it and it makes him move more right. Still no single payer option for healthcare, we have two wars going, and the tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans are still in place. I guess you could see regulating the banks/wallstreet and a jobs bill as liberal, but doing nothing isn't helping. Point is, I know the administration is dealing with a loud opposition who wishes to obstruct at every opportunity, but it doesn't mean running away from your values. If you believe in your ideology then create strong policy that works. If it doesn't work, then you are wrong and should be voted out. But to only create half measures that are watered down policies seem to be created to fail, why even waste your time. I admire his calls for bipartisanship, but if there isn't common ground, how about just doing what you think is best for America. Look at this job loss chart, as bad as things are, at least they are getting better. I'm sure the recovery bill has nothing to do with it.

Howard Zinn passed away this week. He wrote "A People's History of the United States." I borrowed the book from my friend Jorge in college and it really affected my political beliefs. I even cited it in a paper I wrote about the Civil Rights era in law school. I watched many of his interviews and thought he was a very intelligent historian and great American.

J.D. Salinger passed away this week too. I think I first read Catcher in the Rye at a summer camp while in Jr. High. It was a good book, but I thought Holden was totally a dick. Maybe I just missed the whole teenage alienation stage. It was one of those books on my list of must reads. There were some great lines I'll never forget like, "If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody." (not late as in late late). Or even, "It was that kind of crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road." If I recall he became a recluse which made him more interesting.

What is that cliche? "Patience is a virtue." Doesn't patience justify inaction? Couldn't a very lazy person be considered super patient. I'm like everyone else, I'm patient about some things and super impulsive about others. The best might come to those who wait, but I better you can find some damn good things when you just go out and get it. Maybe I'm just concerned that maybe I'm too patient and it is time to be more impulsive. It is probably one of those things where you should pick the right things to take action on and the right things to be patient about.

The getting a house plan is not going well. I'm not happy about this. When I first came up with this plan, I thought that six months down the road I'd be in a much better position, but somehow I'm slightly worse off. Go figure. I need to create some contingency plans. I really would have liked to have this off my list b430. It may not happen in the next 6 months, but it will within the year I have faith. I really do think I'm ready to purchase my stake in Austin and set up camp here for real.

being present

On Reminiscing

“Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.” — Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President

My vacation is over and I'm now back to work. Well I've been back to work for some time now, but I'm just getting around to writing an entry. I don't really have a good explanation for my writing hiatus. I'm a big fan of having time off and time to myself, but this past winter break was a mixed bag. I must say the time flew by and although I am hyper-unproductive when I'm off, I like the feeling. I've now had enough time to settle back into my normal routine and to my dismay, it looks a lot like...my normal routine. This doesn't seem to be the year that I become a morning person or pick up classical piano. I build on the things I have right, but I still have a lot of building to do. A lot of goals of years past are being rolled over into 2010 and hopefully I'll be able to knock some of them off my list. I look back on the goals I've already stricken from my list, but they just seem so much less exciting once you have completed them.

Thursday night I attended an open mic at a comedy club in downtown Austin. Oscar and his girlfriend Clarita joined me. I was expecting to see a mixed bag of funny comics and terrible comics, but I was surprised to see how many really funny comics there were. This wasn't first time amateurs, but some seasoned funny people it seemed. Of course, they probably put the better people on first and for longer and I had I stayed past midnight I'd probably get to see the more amateur comics. I'm signed up for a spot in the future, but I hear its hard to actually get a spot. I'll keep trying and hopefully put a routine together in time. I think it would be fun. I don't know what it is about myself, but I really do want to be a jack of all trades. This will be a cool thing to add to my belt.

It makes me think, I wish I had more activities I have failed at. Wow that sounds pompous. You misunderstand, I mean failed as opposed to quit. I feel like there are many things I have prematurely quit, so you can't exactly put them in the failed column. But then again, isn't quitting just a symptom or form of failing and maybe all those things I feel like I quit on, I just really failed at? I don't know, but it probably isn't logical to stick to something you are not good at. Then again there are things I have been good at that I have quit too. Let's use a quitting example, tennis. I quit playing in high school for other sports. I had played it for so many years and yeah I was probably just an average player, but I quit the team and didn't play much after. Now, maybe my whole paradigm is off, I mean maybe you can't look at everything as quitting/failing or succeeding. It isn't that black and white. I mean I never quit riding a bike, but I don't ride a bike. Maybe some things are just nice to do and are not some sort of fail/succeed activity. I should think about this more. Changing the way I look at activities might make it easier to try new things for their own enjoyment as opposed to wanting to be great at it.

I feel like I have had a colorful and eventful relationship journey up until this point in my life. Everyone is their own unique individual, but I'm proud of my choices. I have been pretty lucky for the most part and I don't have many regrets. I have a lot of experiences to look back upon and see what I learned from them and many fond memories that will always be with me. One of the great benefits of a relationship is the sex, I mean it is just nice to have it on a regular basis as opposed to more sporadically when not in a relationship. It is about more than that of course, but I've learned to never under estimate its importance. We have all walked away from relationships giving up that benefit because of the quest to find the more compatible partner so it isn't as big of a benefit as one might think on its own. Walking away in those cases isn't always easy I think. It is still an important thing that comes to mind when you look back. Then there is the emotional security, the person to talk to at night, share dinner with, go to the movies with, you know the domestic stuff. Of course, all this is at a cost, you know, the monogamy, the feeling of having restricted freedom, a person who at times gets mad at you, the loss of privacy, the having to take another person's feelings into consideration, etc. I know people tell you that when you are in love, those are not really costs, but objectively they can be seen as costs. I think most people are hard wired to couple up and I'm not immune to those impulses. Hell, I have a checkered wake of experiences proving just that. Though I can say I've gone through different phases.

Having had time to reflect on those experiences, there are many parts that I remember fondly that keep coming to mind. The truth is that when reminiscing, the good always overshadows any bad. This has been on my mind as of late. I think you can miss something, but not necessarily want it back. I miss playing soccer in the 4th grade, but I wouldn't want to be there now. That said, I worry that thinking about the things I miss might be some sort of reflection on my current state of mind. Why would you miss something if you were so happy at this point? I don't like that it creates that question. I think you build the world you want and if there were things you miss, then why not put it in your world. I also don't think it works exactly like that. There are things that are right at the moment, but not in the present. Let me share some of my fond memories.

I miss the naivety of being young and in love. I'm talking, teens aged love, where you are just completely stupid and unrealistic about it. It is so new and exciting and you are sure it will last forever. The feeling consumes your entire body. This probably explains why people always seem so connected to their first loves even after decades of being apart. But then you get your heart broken (and do your own heart breaking), the pain is felt with the same intensity as the love. The pain may not get much better when you are older, but at least you have had practice. You start to learn to protect yourself, about how relationships are more than just this feeling you have. There are good people, bad people, good sex, bad sex, people you connect with, people you wish you did, emotionally clingy people, emotionally distant people, personality types, interests, infatuation, lust, and a gamut of other things. This might be a jaded view of things, but you grow out of this stage and begin to view things more pragmatically. Yes, all the same chemical reactions still affect you, and you still do stupid things, but at least you have an idea of what to expect. You just can't fully embrace the bliss because you know how it is going to feel when it ends and you wonder if are not passing up someone better by staying put. The first time you tell a person that they had promised to love you forever and you can't believe that this is now a lie, you mean it. The 10th time you hear a person tell you they will love you forever, you can qualify that to yourself with 'as long as we are together.' (it is weird, I'm just watching what I'm typing, not knowing what to expect. It is a lot less inspirational than I would have imagined.) Romantics will tell you otherwise I'm sure, but people can believe some irrational stuff.

There are things I miss about the people I have fallen for. I'll keep the inappropriate stuff to myself, but that I'll say is always an adventure. I miss it when a person tells you for no reason in the middle of a sentence that they are in love with you. You can always see in their eyes, that at that moment that is what they believe and they just had to tell you. You can tell when it is about you, or about them wanting to love someone. It is still so much better than the robotic, "Good night, I love you," that is routinely said. The idea that there is this person that cares so deeply about you and your thoughts and life. Then there is waking up for work with as she sleeps next to you. You kiss her on the cheek before you leave and sometimes she surprises you, and with her eyes still closed, pulls you down in a goodbye embrace. The nights when you can't sleep and you stay up chatting in bed about everything on your mind. Her cooking your favorite meal you purposefully never learned to cook for yourself because it wouldn't be worth having unless she made it.

Then there is the intellectual stimulation of discussing topics as serious as family, politics and society to as insignificant as movies, your favorite TV shows, work and gossip. Having a person whose wits you must spar with engenders such respect and admiration. When you can learn something new from someone. There are just people that pick up on the smallest thing, are able to remember an argument from weeks past to directly refute the bullshit you are trying to spin to make your point. I miss the mental joust with a person that keeps challenging you to be better. Learning about a book you should read or foreign film you should watch.

And you can't forget about how sweet she can be. The kindness to do thoughtful things, know your likes and dislikes. Written cards for no reason, calls or emails because they thought of you after some experience in their day. I've always believed that the the perfect girl isn't just hot, smart or sexy, but most importantly lovely. Someone with class that makes you want to be a better person. It's half part beauty and half part personality. It's a glow you see in that smile that she can't help, in her girlish ways that you find so adorable. The perfect balance of confidence and humbleness. The fact that she doesn't have malice towards anyone and loves animals.

The part I rarely talk about is the beauty, even to her in my regret. I have always looked for a person that is beautiful to me. It is such a first sight thing and you know it the moment you meet. Her eyes and face which you can read every micro expression. You know that over time her beauty will fade, but not her face, you have to love her face. Those adorable ears and hair which you hope she doesn't cut too short. You know the shape of her lips well and your lips know the feel of the skin on her cheek and forehead. Her skin is so soft and I miss the feeling of it on against mine. The smell of her hair and the smell of her skin mixed with her favorite perfume. The shape of her body which you can spot from across any room. You know that for some reason it means less when you tell her she is beautiful because she feels you have to love her, so you tell her less often than you should, but always think it.

I miss the adventures and travel. Going on on vacation in a new place with her. Exploring beaches, countries, and famous sites. I find that my memories are focused on how happy I was with my company rather than the excitement of where I was actually at. Cruises or road trips cross country. Staying in hotel rooms and finding a place to eat in a new town. Bringing her on a company retreat or accompanying her on a business trip. The excitement of being in Vegas or Atlantic City together. Visiting her hometown or even discovering new places in your own backyard.

Then there is the back massage. Nothing takes away the stress more than a person behind you with their arms on your shoulders and back on their own accord without request, massaging out your tension. But what really relieves the stress is when she genuinely laughs at your jokes. She finds you so funny and witty and you don't even begin to know why. There is also just something about a beautiful woman being attracted to you, wanting you. It makes your confidence go through the roof and you just walk with more of a spring in your step ready to take on the world.

I miss being there to help. Being the savior, whether it be with advice or caring for her when she is sick. Putting her to bed that night she drank way too much or fixing things around the house. Driving because she likes to nap. Then there are the behind the scenes things that you see when you are closer. The effort she goes through to feel beautiful, the endless changing of clothes, the insecurities she tries to hide. The trust that is given to you and the happiness you share.

Of course, there are many things I do not miss, the routineness of it all, at times the shopping, conflict, demands, being irrational, or the fact that sometimes you feel like your emotional state isn't just yours, that there is this person in this world that with the wrong words or actions can destroy you. I don't miss watching a person pull away, or pulling away as they cling harder. These are things I don't think about as much so I won't go on, but you get the point.

These are things I miss and it sucks admitting it. It feels like a complete over share and that is by my entries standards which are pretty high, but it just comes out as I write. It's unfortunate that not everyone has this offer and that it isn't fair to judge people strictly on unrealistic expectations. But I wonder how can they be so unrealistic if they come from real experiences? I've probably made more of my mistakes by wanting more, or better and spending less time appreciating what was there. And the worst mistake of all, not looking inward on who I am as a man and what I was truly able to offer. Thinking you are awesome leaves less room for working on improvement. I think wanting someone great demands being someone great.

Everything ends, even life. You can marry a person, but even then, they will only be yours for a time. I'm happy I have had those times and those memories, no matter how short lived some may have felt. I'm happy that times I can't even imagine also lie in my future. But, it is all just a collection of moments I remind myself and I keep moving forward wondering what moments I'm about to encounter. This year is mine though.

things one should keep to himself