Snow in Austin

"The refusal to choose is a form of choice; disbelief is a form of belief." - Frank Barron

Tuesday, it snowed in Austin. This did not come with the joy of the Christmas snow in the RGV in 2003, but from what I hear, it is very rare for it to snow in Austin. I was at work and the flakes were huge. I thought it was very cool and it made me very happy to see the snow since it has been a very long time. I went into town to make a filing downtown and called it a day at 1pm on account of the light snowfall. Some places got more snow than others, but today it is all gone and just a memory as the sun shines.

Last Thursday night I met up with an old high school/college friend after work for a drink. He was four years ahead of me in high school and four years ahead at Cornell, but I had met him a few times over the years and we have a lot of friends in common. I had a good time catching up. We met up at a young lawyers happy hour, then went to watch a show his paralegal's band was putting on. After, we went to see another old high school friend who runs a bar and had some food and drinks. I enjoyed the fact that I was able to chat with a person who could identify with similar experiences at Cornell and who also had great advice on being a lawyer. He is a pretty cool guy and made me think about getting more involved in local organizations.

So at that point I should have called it a night, but I decided that I was out anyway, so I parted ways and went to go and check out a comedy open mic on 6th street. I've been trying to make it there every week to learn more about stand up. People were great as always. I stayed until 11:30pm and then finally called it a night. If only I didn't have work the next morning.

A good friend of mine is taking the bar this week. I wish her the best of luck. I get very nervous for other people when it comes to the bar exam. I know she will do great and can't wait to see how happy she is when she gets her results.

I finally broke down and got HBO. Since I'll be moving in a few months (looking for a new apartment), I figured I'd spend the money to see if I need to include it next time I sign up. Big Love is going to be done in two weeks, so that sucks, but I enjoy Real Time with Bill Maher. HBO really is just that good.

In reference to my introductory quote. I agree that not making a choice is a choice, but disbelief can't always be a belief. I don't believe that cows can fly with invisible wings, but would it be correct to say that is one of my beliefs? Then I must have a whole list of beliefs of every imaginary scenario that I think could not happen that you can think of. I know I'm making it complicated for no reason. What this is really talking about is that not believing in God a form of belief, but I don't know if I agree with that, but I've been told that many times. I guess it is something I need to think about.

sabotage

Year Seven

"For death begins with life's first breath and life begins at touch of death” - John Osenham

Today marks 7 years since one of my sisters passed away. Now, I seem to write about my thoughts on this twice a year, once on this date (six years -- five years) and the other on her birthday. I feel like not saying something is akin to forgetting or just moving on, but that will never be the case. It never really gets easier, but the pain does go from intense physical pain the first years to longing emotional pain as time passes. I try not to equate my pain with the love I had for her because that is not how I want to mourn. I don't have a lot to say this year, at least not here, but I never stop thinking about her. Maybe the hardest part is seeing how it affects my family, and especially her daughters. They have grown up without a mother, but not a lack of love.

I accept that you can't control life and that bad things happen for no apparent reason. I also know death is part of life and something that I've only begun to experience since so many of my loved ones are still with me. It is just about the fact that she is missing from my life that makes the most impact on me daily. I don't take solace that she is in a better place, mainly because she deserved to be here, with her family experiencing what life had to offer. Losing her changed me as a person in many ways, but it also left a part of me that will always be missing. She will be on my mind today, like she is everyday.

in a moment

A Drink or a Nap

"For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his [or her] happiness on major events like a great job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness." - Andy Rooney

I don't know if I totally agree with Mr. Rooney. Maybe people should strive for more wonderful events as well as being happy with the day to day things. I can see his point though. This wasn't intended to be my Valentine's Day entry, but I've been so lazy about writing, I didn't finish my Wednesday entry until this Sunday. I hope everyone had a great one.

Here is a great Valentine's Day video that made me smile:




The Winter Olympics have started and I feel bad for not being too interested. The highlight is usually women's figure staking, but now that Sasha Cohen didn't qualify, I don't seem to care as much. She would fall too much for my liking at all the important moments, but she looks like a doll and I really thought she would make the team this year. There is snowboarding and speed staking, which I'm looking forward to, but everything else just feels so random. I'm still not a curling fan (despite the Simpsons) and don't know a lot of these sports. I did put in a few hours this weekend and it is hard to know what is coming up when. I hope the US wins a lot of medals.

Last Tuesday night I dropped by my cousin Rino's apartment to visit. His friend Jimmy came over to give us a lesson on playing guitar. Jimmy was pretty amazing and I still can't get over hearing music come from the guitar. As far as I'm concerned, it still looks and sounds like magic. I learned a few concepts and most of all, got some motivation back. Is the learning curve this steep just for me? Jess seems to be enjoying her job and my cousin seems ever closer to being done with school. I envy them for living much closer to Austin than I do.

So it is fun thinking about topics for stand up jokes. I tried one on global warming denying every winter the first time I went up and it would have been so much better had I said it after snowmagedon. Now I'm working on more ideas, but its harder to come up with the exact joke than the topics. Topics come pretty easy I think. It is a fun hobby.

I'll be working on President's Day, which isn't too bad I think. It always feels weird having to work on a Federal Holiday. This weekend was also the Austin Marathon. I had a few friends run it and I am in awe of them. So very impressive. It is still a theoretical goal for me, but at some point I should make it a real goal.

a lot can be said by not saying anything

Still Lost

"She behaves as if she was beautiful. Most American women do. It is the secret of their charm." - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Grey

It feels good to be healthy after a long week of feeling under the weather. It just happened to come during a very busy week. I feel like I take for granted how good it feels to be healthy and when ever I get ill I'm able to appreciate it a lot more.

Let me start with the most interesting news. So I finally tried my hand at stand up comedy. I don't know why, but for some reason it seemed like something I would like to try. To be honest, I could imagine an ideal job as being a writer for a comedian, or a comedy show like the Daily Show or HIMYM. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I would want to do this, I would probably say no, but even though I don't consider myself a particularly funny person, I feel like I can a good job at writing some good material. I signed up for an open mic on 6th street and finally got my shot. It wasn't the best routine, but it was all original stuff I wrote. I was one of the last comics since it was my first time and it didn't exactly feel like I was the headliner. An objective review of how I did was probably not well at all, but I had fun and everyone was very supportive and complementary. It isn't easy standing up in front of people and talking, but I enjoy telling stories. I was a bit nervous, so my delivery wasn't the best, but I was still proud of myself because I did it. I don't know if I'll get to do it again, but if I get the shot, I'd be very happy to. I very much appreciate my friends, those that helped out in reading and giving me advice on my material and delivery and those that were able to make it to come and support me at such a late hour. There was also something about standing on a stage where I've seen so many comics perform over the last 10 years. I was finally on that stage. In summary, a great learning experience and something I very much enjoyed.
The final season of Lost started this week. I had to re-watch the final episode of Season 5 just to catch up on all the things I was confused about. I know who I have to thank for getting me into this series. Those were two great hours spend on Wednesday. It used to be that every question that was answered would only open up more questions and that still seems to be the deal. The writers are amazing and as convoluted as the plot has become I'm still enthralled.

The Superbowl is this Sunday. I clearly don't have a dog in the fight and I'm not sure who to cheer for. I'm excited for the Saints, but think the Colts are the better team. I still think if the Colts win, that there should be an asterisk that reminds people that they gave up on a perfect season. A superbowl win is a superbowl win, but I think that sometimes it should be larger, to be able to say we were the best team not just for the final game, but for every single game we played. This isn't NCAA basketball where you win some and lose some. This is usually the last day of people's new year's resolutions as they pig out during the game. For me, its always when I start trying to focus on changes I'd like. I have yet to meet a person who has ever said, "look at this body, new year's resolution 2003!" Or even an actor at the Oscars say, "I'd like to thank Jesus, and the new years resolution I set in 98 to win an Academy Award." I think real change has to be real and consistent and not some gimmick.

You know what I can't imagine. What it must be like for a woman who was beautiful in her youth to no longer be attractive. Not even a shadow of her former self. There are some women who retain an aspect of their beauty as they grow older and others who just look like a completely different person than the the girl they were in their early 20s. I know that every knows that beauty is fleeting, but it doesn't make it easier. That must be so hard. It a very much different experience for men and any parallels one might make don't even compare. I can't remember what got me thinking about this the other day, but how a woman looks, right or wrong, determines how society interacts with her. If you are average your whole life, you probably don't notice the difference as much I would guess, but to go from being young and beautiful to just another middle aged woman must be difficult transition. This sounds somewhat offensive and sexist and I'm in no way endorsing this standard, but I think it is hard to say it doesn't exist. Maybe the idea that youth and beauty are temporary makes me wonder why it still matters more to me than so many other probably more important qualities. Am I just shallow, or is this just an honest understanding of my thought process?

For me making friends has always been an organic process that just happens over time and is not something you can make a conscious decision about. You meet a lot of people and some you just get along with better. You tend to gravitate towards those people you have most in common with and over time, one day you just consider them to be a friend. I have this problem when I enter a new environment where I worry about making the wrong friends. Not like bad people, but just worry about having people in my life that are not a good fit, but that are they for convenience purposes. Humm, that wasn't clear. Maybe I need to be more aware that being friendly with a person isn't such long term commitment and that I'm not going to be locked into some friendship just because I'm nice to people. I need to give more people a chance. I've been very blessed with a circle of friends who I value, respect and admire. People I can vouch for, who I think the world of, but its also a smaller circle (well multiple circles due to all the stages/moving in life). Maybe had I given more people chances, I could have had more circles. Not everyone has to be a close confidant. The true is that my system isn't the best, I'll never forget thinking, "I hope these people don't become my circle of friends because I have so many more people I'm hoping to meet." Little did I know I was surrounded by the most amazing people who ended up being some of my best friends for life. I've always seen it as having less close real friendships is much better than many fake acquaintances. One, why did it have to be a choice between two extremes, and two, why did I see having a large social network of acquaintances as fake just because they were not close trusted friends. It is why they are called acquaintances and you can have them and your close friends. This isn't conscious stuff, but on reflecting on my social networks, I see that although I was able to build a network of friends of high quality individuals, I kept myself closed off from meeting so many other types of people that might have ended up being those high quality close type friends as well.

a former life