A Better Friend

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." - George Washington 

Life is full of change and sometimes that change is welcomed and other times it drags you kicking and screaming.  Change isn't always for the better, but if you learn from it, you should always be better for it.  Abrupt change is the easiest to understand, circumstances are now different, but after a period of grieving, you adapt in the best way you can and move forward.  What I am finding I have trouble dealing with is gradual change.  You know, where the changes are so small and insignificant at any one time, but as the months and years pass by, things are dramatically different than they once were.  Sometimes you see this gradual change coming and instead of just watching the slow progression, it feels easier to just skip to the abrupt change so that you can begin to adapt to it now.  It probably isn't the best plan of action.  There are times, for example, in a relationship, where you can see it fading, you know that things might be ok at the moment, but they are slowly getting worse and things are not sustainable the way they are.  My usual reaction is to force the issue instead of just enjoying the time you might have until things fall apart.  What I forget is that sometimes you can instead choose to put your effort to start turning the ship around instead of just jumping to the dreaded outcome you feel is inevitable.  It won't be as fast or easy as ending things, but will take longer and more sustained effort.  I need to stop taking shortcuts, especially when they don't have desired results.

I have many vivid memories from college that I visit from time to time.  A relevant one that has been on my mind has to do with one of my close friends who was also a girl.  When we met, her personality was unlike anyone I had met up until that point in my life.  She was extremely animated, outspoken and socially affectionate.  We quickly became good friends and spent a lot of time together. Being away from home can be lonely and having someone there with you makes it much easier to adapt. Her sincere kindness was something I really appreciated.  For example, I was once in my dorm bed sick as a dog and she came across campus in what was probably terrible weather to bring me orange juice.  No one had ever done for this me and I really appreciated it.  As time passed we grew closer and I was really fond her, but only as a friend.  It was weird, I also found her very much attractive, but I didn't have apparent romantic feelings toward her.  It was something I couldn't explain to myself, I wanted to like her that way, but at that point I knew what it felt like to be smitten and this was just different.  It might have had to do with becoming friends with her while I was in the tail end of a relationship, maybe I just saw her different from the start.  The subsequent ill advised night where we kissed didn't change my feelings and I don't presume to know what hers were.

What I remember was one time we were both having an argument about our complicated friendship and what it meant.  She was the closest and most important person to me at the time and I made a crass comment pointing out that we were not in an relationship.  In her blunt and honest manner, she told me assertively that it didn't matter what I wanted to call it or what I told myself, it was most definitely a relationship. It didn't sink in at the time, but years later I finally understood what she might have been trying to say. Things are not black and white and relationships are broader than just romantic relationships.

The friendship went the way situations like that go, any crush she may have had passed and after a seemingly meaningless blow up, which was mostly my fault, it pretty much led to the end of our close friendship.  I'll never forget how much I was missing her that night and when she finally came to my room, I asked her to leave.  Much later we became acquaintances in the guise of friends, but it was always like there was a wall between us when it came to true communication.  I always held her in high esteem after that, but things would never be the same.  It is weird for someone to go from being in your day to day life to just being someone you know.   The kicker is, when I look back on my past romantic relationships, for some reason I consider her as one of them.  What I had with her, despite us never dating, was deeper and more meaningful than many actual relationships I cycled through during college and years after. I learned a lot about myself, what I was looking for and that things are not always what they seem.

I think everything played out for the best, since all's well that ends well, but it wasn't easy for me. Interestingly, it wasn't the last time I ran into this type of situation, but at least I had a roadmap on how it would most likely play out.  I keep learning a lot of little lessons, but probably not the big lesson I should have learned by now.  The problem is that I probably still have a lot to learn.

not the answer