"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them." – Unknown
I've purposefully shied away from posting entries these past few months for a variety of personal reasons that stemmed, for the most part, from not knowing what to say. As this is one of my last entries of the year, it probably makes sense to take stock of the year in review. This year has proven to be both an epic year of accomplishment while at the same time, a year of trials and tribulations. The latter half of the year has been vastly different than the first part of the year, to the point where I even feel like a different person. Sometimes in life things are just out of your control and I have never accepted that kindly. It is hard to just wait and see how external factors are going to affect the trajectory of your life.
Let me start with the first half of 2011. The year started off just like one would hope a new year would start. I became more healthy, started to run more and I made an sustained effort to spend more time with friends. I had friends move to town and I spent a lot of time focusing on my goal of getting into my first home. When I met that goal, I was very proud and very happy. I got a lot more of my fiances in order and really hit my stride at work. I may have yet to meet the right person romantically, but I had my share of good dates and really enjoyed myself. I rediscovered old passions, tried some new things and really tested my belief system. I even made new friends, caught up with old friends and I finally got to visit San Diego for the first time, which proved to be as great as I had hoped. I also picked up sailing, got a new tv and generally felt optimistic.
Now it isn't as black and white as the first part/second part of the year, but there were things in the latter part of the year that started to act like body punches or setbacks whose sheer number started to affect me. I ran into some problems with a few good friends which made me think I might better cope by taking some time to myself. I dealt with the poignant news of at least three people I have formerly dated getting married, in which your rational genuine best wishes run into your irrational emotional aches. Then you throw on top of that difficult and selfish decisions that although I don't regret them, I have no excuse for. As the year wore on, I became comparatively less social and regressed to my former less-than-healthy habits and paid their toll. There were other struggles with more complex layers that I won't go into, but I'll leave this note as a reminder to myself of them. It just felt like the trajectory changed and I was too busy experiencing the problems than trying to pick myself up and rebuild. Life is by no means gloomy, but compared to the great start of the year, it was starting to feel like an uphill battle. I don't like that I just retreated into my routine. Then you start dealing with the bigger questions like love and kids and I worry that I might be too selfish to want to start a family one day. Maybe it is all the weddings I've been to and interacting with my friends and cousins who are now parents. I have a lot of inventory I need to take.
So, as the year comes to a close and I'm about to be one year older and celebrate another birthday, I feel like a boxer barely standing dazed listening to standing 8 count. Either I'm going to get back in and fight through the cobwebs making a dramatic comeback or I'm about to get knocked out by what is probably not that impressive of a punch. I'm at about count 6 right now and I feel like the waning days of the year are my last two counts before I must get back in the ring.
Now I recognize the melodramatic-ness of painting a year--which I admit has been full of blessings--as ending on such a melancholy note, but the stark contrast from the beginning to now is what highlights things for me. I'm usually so much more positive and optimistic and come armed with a plan, goals and efforts on being a better person going forward, but right now, I'm still in the taking it in and trying to figure it out stage. At least I have passed the trying not to think about it stage.
There is something inspiring about the thought that today, the winter solstice, is the darkest day of the year and from this day on out it just gets brighter. But now as the new year approaches, I have a lot to look forward to and I am genuinely excited. My brother and two good friends are getting married to wonderful women. I have a trip planned to Puerto Rico in the spring, and I know that I've learned some important lessons this year. I'm starting to feel more free to embrace being agnostic while not fully giving up the irrational belief that everything is always going to work out. Though it has made me less patient when I so often get the lazy advice that God has a plan or will take care of everything, I don't discount the well intention. I feel confident that no matter what theology one judges me under, that the way I live my life is just as noble. I am looking forward to Christmas not for any religious meaning, nor the pagan traditions of trees and wreaths, or even for the commercialized need for shopping, Santa, elves, snowman stories or Christmas music, but for a time I get to spend with family. It is probably just what I needed. I wish everyone a Happy Holidays.
birthday
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