Softest Hands

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend." - Unknown

At the age of 86, my dear grandmother passed away last month.  There was one thing I knew above all else, that my grandmother loved me and was proud of me.  She followed my grandfather who passed away in 2008.  As I grieved for my grandfather, as I do for my grandmother now, I then shared some of my thoughts on his passing in an entry as it helps me cope when I reflect. In my life I only had two grandparents, and I knew I was lucky to have them.  To me, my grandmother and grandfather were the most perfect people I ever knew.  I loved them, admired them and respected them.  I have now lost them both, and though I understand that this happens in the normal course in a life where we all have a limited time, there is a part of my heart that will never be the same.

My grandmother and my mom.  She felt especially pretty in that green jacket.

Grandmothers hold a significant place in our hearts

Grandmothers are a special part of the human experience.  For those of us fortunate enough to have them in our lives, understand that it is a unique bond that has no equal.  It is our first dose of unconditional love, something we will spend our lifetimes looking for as we get older. Although we each have our individual relationships with our own particular grandparents, in many cases there seems to be a universal thread of a love beyond any comparison that helps form the person we become.  When you are with your grandmother the rest of the world goes away and you feel the comfort and security of being in her presence.  Your grandmother is the most special person in the world to you.

A Remarkable Woman

My grandmother was special to me in a way that I'll never do justice to no matter how I try to describe it. One of the reasons it can't be put into words is because the love was not shared in only words, but mostly in actions, from listening to you share, the food cooked for you, the wise advice, the soft pat and rub on your back as you gently fall asleep, or the warm smile on her face when you walk in the room.  As my cousin Rino put it, she had the softest hands we had ever touched. Those hands could make all your worries go away.

 My grandmother was Martina Angulo Lira, she went by Marta, but to me she will always be "wuelita." It wasn't until I was much older that I learned that the correct word was "abuelita," but that was more a function of me not understanding Spanish well enough as a child.  She will forever be my wuelita in my heart.  She lived a life that is remarkable on its own accord, the topic of a future entry I'm sure, but it was in the sunset of her life that I got to share in a small part in the mosaic of her experiences. (Seriously, her story of tragedy, love, family, persistence, hard work and triumph is the epitome of the American dream and the immigrant experience.)  I have to remind myself that she is defined by being more than just my grandmother, she was a phenomenal human being whose roles encompassed being a daughter, sister, friend, employee, wife, mother, widow, step-mother and great-grandmother.  She is a woman I still learn about each time I hear new stories about her life.

Memories Growing Up

I feel especially close to my grandparents because I was lucky enough to have spent a lot of time with them in my formative years.  As a child they would take care of me and I would stay with them for days at a time, sleep in their bed, eat their food made with loving care, and learn the life lessons they instilled in me.  Even my grandparents' utter unshakable faith positively affected my outlook on life even though I later found my own way.  I'll never forget the tortillas, the eggs, and more eggs and all the wonderful food that my grandmother cooked for us with love.  I could put butter on a tortilla and eat them all day.

So many memories were shared as family and friends all gathered together at her service.  The funeral procession drove by her old house which defined our childhoods and brought back so many wonderful stories. We spent a lot of time at their house in Harlingen as we grew up.  We discovered the world at her house, from the fun and perils of fire, climbing fences and trees, working with our hands, cooking, cleaning, and the taste of freshly grown peaches right off the tree.  We didn't have much, but our imaginations ran wild at their house as we invented many ways to entertain ourselves.  We walked everywhere, from the corner store, to church, to the John Deer where we road bikes.  Most importantly, we learned about the importance of family.  Her house was where we formed life long relationships and friendships with our cousins who we would spend so much time with there. We became as close as siblings and it helped cement a strong bond of family. During Christmas the entire family would gather at her home and it didn't matter how small it was, everything was happy to be together in the one place that everyone considered to be home.

Her Favorites

As a child I got teased on occasion for being my grandfather's favorite, a badge I tried to wear as humbly as possible because I did nothing to deserve it and saw it more as a running joke.  They were my favorites and that was all that mattered to me.  He did treat me special and he was a man I truly admired.  My grandmother, on the other hand, did not have favorites per se.  My grandmother had a very special gift, a people skill that can't be learned or faked, the gift of making the people around her feel extremely important, special and loved.  She was always being present when you interacted with her.  There is not a grandchild or great grandchild that will not tell how in every moment they spent with their grandmother that they did not feel like her most special favorite person in the entire world.  She would always say that they were all her favorites and that was so very true. My grandmother's love was a quiet love, a calm love, not a lot of extraneous proclamations or overly enthusiastic affection, but just a genuine steady love that made you feel safe and secure.  She was everything you would imagine a grandmother to be, sincere, patient and kind, such a very lovely woman.

My grandmother and I were close.  We would talk on the phone about once a week, a habit that started when I left for college so long ago.  My Spanish isn't the best, but we would still talk for a long time, with me telling her about my life and her telling me about how things were going.  I'm going to miss those talks very much. 

A Beautiful Legacy

Funerals are a time to grieve, to reflect and to celebrate a person's life, but they also make you consider your own mortality and wonder what type of legacy you will leave behind.  You can't take anything with you, and your accomplishments, although worthy, do not define you.  What I learned mattered most once you are gone is how you affected the people around you, the love you shared the impact you had on their lives, how you made them feel.  My grandmother embodied this and her memory is going to live on in the hearts and memories of all her loved ones.  The way she taught us to love and care for one another will live on for generations of children who will never know her touch, but will know her love as it is passed on through her children and grandchildren.

My grandmother endured much hardship in her life and worked hard to give her children a better life and a better chance. She was born in Mexico and everything she did was for her family.  And though she had no formal education, or her own personal financial success, her struggle created the opportunity for a legacy of a family that now includes, among other things,  doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, principals, and children and grandchildren following their own dreams in this great country.

What defined her life became most apparent to me at her service when I listened to people speak about her, either publicly or privately.  I was able to see how she had meant so much to so many people and that her love was so copious that she had all these parts of her life where people adored her with the same type of absolute love and admiration that I had for her. Her character was steady and her kindness was evident in every part of her life.

I'm embarrassed to admit that initially part of me was almost a little bit jealous, like, wait, this is MY grandmother, I love her, you can't love her as much as I do too. Then as the irrational feelings quickly subsided, you are hit with this realization, oh wow, she was even more amazing that than the small window I had into her life due to my shared experiences with her as her grandson.  She had 7 children, 22 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren and counting, and each one felt her love in their own special way.  It takes a big heart to touch that many people in the way that she did.  To some she was "mom," some "grandmama," others "Ama," "abuelita," "wuelita," and many other nicknames, and these name highlight how much she was cherished. 

Life Lessons and Values

My grandmother taught by example, she rarely showed anger and I can't ever remember her being really mad no matter what the circumstance.  She dealt with everything with dignity and grace and in the end it always seemed to work out.  Yet, there was a firmness in her way, almost like a long-game, I never felt like I could just do what I want and though I may have more than occasionally disobeyed as most kids do, the disappointment in her face hurt more than any punishment.  My respect for her was absolute and my admiration for her character abounds.

An important value I learned from my grandmother was no matter how impossible the task, you never give up working hard towards your goal.  She talked a lot about the virtue in being a hard worker.  Most importantly, she lived this virtue and never said anything that she didn't demonstrate in her own life. I work every day to try and make her proud.

Unfortunately, in her 86 years my grandmother had her fair share of experiences with death, from the untimely and tragic to the natural.   When coping with a personal tragedy in our own lives, she told my sister that she understood how it feels to not want to go on, but that the most important thing you could do was live.  We took a lot of solace in that advice.  I am working hard to follow her example and live my life to the fullest to honor her and truly cherish the life that she made the most of no matter what came her way.

Our last moments

I miss my grandmother very much. When I went to visit her shortly before her passing, she fought so hard to be at her strongest and continue to share her love and attention even through she was experiencing much pain as her body was giving and it became more difficult to breath.  We talked about many things.  She even reminded me of a letter I sent to her when I was in college over 10 years ago and how, as a child, I would run out of kisses and tell them I had no more.  She talked about how much she liked my kindergarten graduation, which to-date is still the graduation accomplishment I am most proud of.  We talked about life, she made jokes about me not being married, she prayed for me, and she never gave up hope that she would get better.  Her hope was eternal and her positive outlook has always given me a model to look up to.  My mom was able to be with her during her last moments and no matter how sad I may feel, it cannot compare to the pain of losing a parent. It gives me peace that she was able to pass away surrounded by loved ones.

Grateful

My grandmother was loved by many people, especially her children.  And while they were all there for her in so many ways, I very much appreciated how my Tia Mati (and Tio Jesse) took my grandmother into her home in Ft. Worth after my grandfather passed away and was there for her day-in and day-out.  From doctors appointments, to making sure she was taking the right medicine, to just being there for her. I know there were difficult times, but her love did not go unnoticed. She worked very hard to make sure my grandmother had a good life surrounded by family.  It brings me joy that she got to interact with her grandchildren who lived near by and form relationships with her great-grandchildren.  In one example, just watching the love she had for my cousin Adam's daughter Kali made my heart melt.  I appreciate my family that did their best to help out when they could and who spent so much time with her in the hospital and nursing home.  I will be eternally grateful to my aunt and uncle for taking care of her the way they did.

Loving Words from Family

I want to share my Tia Amelia's eulogy she shared about her mother at the services which I found touching. 

In memory of our Mother Martina Angulo Lira

The memory of our mother, grandmother, greatgrandmother, a humble and virtuous yet extraordinary
figure will forever be cherished, As a young widow age 27 with four children(all under age 5) Martina braved taking residence in the city of Harlingen,Texas, and in spite of the challenges she would face with a foreign language in a foreign land and culture, she had dreams of a better future for her children.  This courageous woman planted seeds that would reap success, economic stability and foremost a tenacious and steadfast faith in our lord Jesus Christ.  Her ongoing love and forgiveness reflected a true example of the christian life.  She was an inspiration of Godly morals, values and attitudes to her offspring.  Although, today we say goodbye to her earthly body as we release it to our heavenly Father, her memory and legacy will remain alive in the hearts and minds of our families for generations to come.  We shall make the effort to focus on her life; beautiful and happy memories we experienced with her; her words and sayings such as ; "whatever the lord says, if God gives us life, or if it's Gods will". May this bouquet of memories be as a balm to help heal the pain and fill the void her absence has left in us. we shall remember that she will be watching from heaven and that her spirit will be with us always.  May Gods love, grace and mercy annoint each of us with his Holy anesthesia and inject in us his power for strength during this difficult time of tribulation.

I would like to end with some words about my grandmother that my sister Eliza shared with me the other day:

The day before her wake when all the family gathered at my home I was filled with bitter sweet feelings comforted by my families presence and so happy to see those who came from so far. I felt almost guilty for laughing and smiling. It started to sink in that I'd have to face grandmas death the day after and that night I was restless up till about 3 am not trusting that I could handle the day ahead I even took a hot shower and then tried to write a few rough drafts but no words were good enough for this grand lady. I started off with memories of a little frame home where love was served on a plate and the cold nights where warmed with hugs and kisses. Where you get the bed with grandpa and drink chocolate milk and I happily sleep on the floor with grandma. I’d always make sure I covered her with the blanket we shared and she’d say, “Siempre soy may flora pa covijar” me meaning I'm always so lazy to cover myself. I would say “yo te covijar” even as an adult she soft spokenly reminded me.

 To recap what I said at her service....I said Marta Lira my grandma “te quero mucho.” When I first learned the words “te amo” this was it a better way to express how I felt to her so I told her, “abuleita te amo” and she’d tell me, “no se dice te amo se dice te quero mucho.”  I said we went to Harlingen every weekend since we had no social life and when she cared for us we never felt there was a lack of a parent because we felt like we were at home and that she's at home today and in peace draw strength from that. We are all here together because her love has united us.

On another note I was thinking is there something like a strength you, Ana, Abram and I share that when faced with death we find the honor we owe them to push through the pain as one last honor and respect. That's the only way I can describe it. I think so.

 

You know I don't know if you were around but I had asked if we could pass grandmas house for one last time and some had mentioned it too. We were all thinking the same thing.As her body passed by her home one last  time was one of the hardest parts for me I not only grieved for myself but for you and the thought of your hurt could be felt in my heart and made me breathless. grandma was a big part of our cousin and brotherly bond. We don't know a life without her. I do have peace to know she is now experiencing heaven. She said it herself why would I want to come back when it will be so beautiful.

love without words

Against the Wind

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that." - Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder

I have started to run and most importantly, started to enjoy it.   Here is the genesis on how this started. I have never enjoyed running, at least that is what I told myself.  I was an overweight kid with exercised induced asthma and flat feet (though by today's standards, quite fit actually).  I was always one of the last kids in elementary when we ran laps, though not being "the" last kid always did make me feel better.  For me running was something that made my side hurt and made it impossible to breathe and I hated the feeling of wheezing.  I was not fond of it and that mindset permeated my thinking as I grew up.

I do love sports and as I got older, I played a few including tennis, but my favorite was football.  Clearly I had to run when I played football, so I got in shape and did a lot of running in the process, but it was for a purpose and served a function as part of a game. Though my sprint times improved, there wasn't much distance running in my training. I did learn to build endurance though.  I really do enjoy sprints and short distance running.  Running made sense for me in this context.

I met my first real runner my sophomore year of high school.  She was a senior and a good buddy of mine, and man she loved to run.  She ran for no other purpose than because it made her happy, though I'm sure she probably enjoyed the competition too.  I could not understand it so I would quiz her about this incessantly, asking all kinds of questions as I am prone to do. Why? But you don't accomplish anything but make yourself tired. What is the point?  She tried her best to explain, but I just could not get it.  I could see in the way she talked about it that there was something real I could just not understand.  So I just gave up on trying to understand it. Like dancing, dishes, yard work or cooking, my view at the time was that it just wasn't for me.

As I got older, I met other runners and continued to play sports, but other than half an hour to forty-five minutes on the treadmill at the gym, I had no aspirations to run any more than that. It was purely about trying to get back in shape or to kick off some sort of healthy losing weight kick that never lasted long enough to be a habit.  To make matters worse, after a really bad break up once, I tried to run on a treadmill to "feel better," since I had recently made a habit of putting in 45 mins a day, but I felt so horrible in my stomach I couldn't continue.  Now I had that negative feeling tied to running too that I would have to contend with.  People make silly irrational connections I know.

A little over a year ago I read the book "Born to Run" which made me interested in running for the first time.  It is a great book and I recommend it.  I thought that maybe I was just looking at this wrong and decided I wanted to start running.  I bought some vibram five fingers and started running with the goal of trying to have as minimal as possible shoes as I could.  This phase valiantly lasted for a few months, but like many of my endeavors, just didn't stick.  I was back to treadmill running at the gym, if any running at all. At least that I enjoyed, the gym and working out.

I have facebook friends that run and some for noble causes and I would follow their updates, but even watching them log ever longer miles, though it filled me with admiration, I still didn't think it was for me. That brings us to early 2012 where I committed to hike with my brother to the top of Longs Peak in Colorado. I initially viewed this as just walking for hours on end carrying a heavy pack, I could possibly do this.  It was a lot more than that I quickly learned.  After my first long seven hour hike, I could barely walk and my entire body started to cramp.  But if there is one thing I'm good at is not giving up and turning roadblocks into challenges.  So I trained and trained until we eventually met our goal and triumphantly reached the summit of Longs Peak in August. (For a fuller story on this epic hike, check out my entry about the hiking trip here. ) Here are some photos from the trip too. 

When I got back from Colorado, I knew I had built up endurance due to all the hiking training and didn't want it to go to waste as I returned to old habits. One option was to keep hiking, but the amount of time that took was a lot and I wasn't sure I would really keep up with that. The trail runners I would see each time I was out started to spark an idea in my head.  I decided to focus on going to the gym more, a habit I started again in April and was keeping up with consistently. As luck would have it, later in the summer I started dating a girl who liked to run, so that also peaked my interest in running.  The things people will try because of girls.  We signed up for a 5k together and it was my first one ever which was exciting for me.  The 3 mile distance seemed really far to me, which now seems ridiculous now in retrospect, but by the time the race came, I felt ready.  The race was so much fun that I knew I would like this running thing.  Interestingly, it was the only time we ever ran together as this wasn't one of her main hobbies. I started to make running a habit on my own, but I was still aimless.  One night she told me how she had ran the SA half marathon the year before and told me to try it with her.  It was only a few months away and 13.1 miles seemed insurmountable.  I told her that I didn't think I could do it, but she reassured me that I could just walk if I got tired.  My instinctual reaction was, walk why? If I'm not going to run it all, then why even try it I said.  I know I can walk that far, I had already done it.  A challenge was starting to form in my head.  I'm not one to back down to a challenge, especially one I give to myself, so I started reading up on it and created a training plan and signed up for the half marathon.  I will admit to being a bit shocked as to how much those races cost, it was a just a world I knew nothing about.  The money I had invested was also a motivator.  I ordered a pair of shoes online that had great reviews and if being a kid taught me anything, a new pair of shoes can make you run faster, jump higher and just be more awesome than you were before.   And so it began, just myself, a defined goal, my written miles goal chart I crafted from random internet sources and determination to hit my goal.  It wasn't long until the girl faded out of the picture, but the fact that I was still training really showed me that this venture was mine and not something I was doing because of her.  I later even signed up for a Superhero 5k which motivated me further. 


During this training process, which was mostly solo runs at the local park alone because I work best that way, my friend Ricardo had joined a running class downtown and recommended it to me.  At first I was averse to the idea, seeing it as something that would get in the way of the plan I was following.  But I thought about it and in my resolution to be more social, I thought I would give it a try.  The price was right and it was only for a month.  I joined the beginners running class the following month and ended up liking it a lot more than I expected.  I have even met a few new friends there and having people around you while you run does give you the motivation boost that can at times be lacking.  I'm now finishing my second month and have already signed up for my third month in December.  My favorite part is the Saturday long runs, where I wake up early for an 8am run in downtown Austin.  I actually look forward to this day all week.

The San Antonio Half Marathon was in mid-November.  Having not run more than 3 miles prior to the summer, the idea of 13.1 really seemed impossible, but it has been a year of challenges and I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to.  Plus, my goal was only to finish without stopping, it didn't matter how slow, which really took a lot of pressure off.  It happened that a lot of my San Antonio friends were out of town on the day of the race, so this was something I was going to do on my own.  I headed down to SA the day before and was in awe of the spectacle of the whole thing.  After I got my running bib and my swag,  I wandered the streets of San Antonio for a while which was nice having no where to be and no deadlines to worry about.  It was a take me where the wind takes me type of evening that I don't have enough of.  I woke up very early the next morning for the race. I was lucky enough to run into my friend Elaine, my brothers good friend from high school, and I started the race off with them in a much better starting area than the one I was assigned to. She gave me a lot of helpful advice before the race that was actually very helpful.   The starting line was packed and there were so many people there it was ridiculous.  There were so may cute girls in adorable running outfits that it was distracting, but I couldn't figure out if it was in a good way or a bad way.  There were so many people running for causes and had shirts that at times wanted to make you tear up.

The starting gun was anti-climatic as you still had to wait some time before your group got to start.  When I started off the race, I kept reminding myself that I needed to keep my my own pace and not worry about anybody else.  I felt positive, but I also knew that my personal record was only 10 miles and I was going to find out on this day if I could make it.  The first two miles for me are always the hardest, the part where I just want to quit and go home.  By mile 3 my body accepts that we are going to do this running thing and stops complaining and starts to work.   The race was a great experience that I'll never forget.  The signs and the people cheering really fill you with positive emotions.  So many little kids with posters supporting their parents and just kind people who cheer for everybody.  I had been working for months on the perfect music playlist for me and it performed perfectly.  When I finally crossed the finish line to complete my 13.1 miles (my phone tracked 13.5, but same difference), I felt great and very accomplished. I also didn't feel spent, but knew I didn't have a full marathon in me.  I didn't know what to do with the sponges and wet towels, but it didn't matter.  They gave me a participant medal, which meant a lot to me. It was, and to date is, the longest I've ever run.  It also cemented my motivation to keep on running.

Here are the photos from my First Half Marathon in SA

Now my next goal is to run a full marathon in February in Austin, another daunting goal as there isn't much time and doubling what I did is going to be much harder I think.  I get tired driving 26.2 miles, so running it will be an experience.  I'm excited about it and look forward to the challenge.  It is going to be hard to keep from injuring myself as I'm prone to pushing myself for short-term gains that ultimately just end up in long term setbacks.  I'm going to do my best to be careful and most importantly to try and enjoy the experience.

I will say, I think a lot of people start running to try and lose weight.  I have in the past and that might explain all the stops and starts and my negative feelings attached to running.  This time I didn't care at all about losing weight, actually, I didn't even lose a pound in the process, but this time it was just about the running and how it made me feel. The idea of beating your personal best and improving.  I think having the right goals helps motivation more.  I'm an more of an internal motivated person and external motivations tend to have the opposite effect.  I see so many people start running or continue running in honor of all these worthy causes and to raise money for them, and compared to them I feel selfish, but I will continue to support those causes just not through running.  I've probably made the most charitable contributions this year as I ever have, but I need to get better at keeping track since tax season isn't too far away.

I'll never be the fastest runner or be able to go the longest, but I'd really like to be a person who just enjoys the idea of running and does it for the fun of it.  I am realistic about endeavors I take on and know that I can hop from hobby to hobby like a kid looking for a distraction, but I really do hope I keep up with running, even if not at the level that I'm currently working towards now.  It has been a great outlet for stress, gives me time to think and has really reacquainted me with music again.  There is still a lot more to go and I don't want to get ahead of myself.  Finishing the marathon in February is just so that I can feel validated, like I'm a runner now, and after I want to start from the beginning and work my way from 5ks to 10ks trying to beat my own personal bests.  I look forward to this fun journey because the journey to this point has been a good one.

be careful not to injure yourself

Keeping Busy

"I don't know, I like to go on really different types of dates. Going someplace new or some new part of the city, something that's not your average thing. Something where you just go have an adventure together." - Rachel McAdams

I have been keeping busy lately, but it has resulted in putting off entries.  This is unfortunate because I really enjoy writing and find journaling cathartic.  2012 is by far the year with the fewest entries and when you stop doing something it is harder to start again. You know, that is probably the theme of my life actually.  My on and off relationship with the gym can tell you that, even though we are in a good place right now.   I'm starting to realize that my Facebook status updates chronicle a lot of the things I would normally write about, which makes me less interested in putting my thoughts in a blog post about it later since it feels somewhat redundant.  I think I'm ok with that.  I'm going for a "quick" catch-all entry to cover the last six months or so I've been off keeping busy. I'm interested to see where this leads me.

The Year of Love

A theme I've talked a lot about in 2012 has been about this being the year of love, evidenced by the ungodly amount of weddings that have happened this year.  (Think somewhere around 7 weddings.) So many friends and family members have gotten married this year that there has been so much to celebrate. All these weddings make you take stock of your own life too and focus on what you want instead of what you think you should want.  Adding to this romantic theme, my college roommate, Juan Carlos also got engaged and married this year on August 17, 2012 to his fiancé Eloisa.  They have such a sweet love story and I'm extremely excited for him and his sweetheart.  They are perfect for each other. I wasn't able to make it to the wedding in NYC, but I can't wait to celebrate with everyone the next chance we get.  The world is changing and people are growing up.

My brother Abram's wedding happened in October and I've written a more detailed entry to share my thoughts on that event here.  So that about sums it up, and brings to an end a year where so many of my friends and family took such an important step forward in their lives.  Here is hoping for continued love and happiness.  Thank you for all the champagne toasts.  Side note: I've resolved that for 2013 I'm going to drink champagne more, for no other reason than because it is great and shouldn't be horded for just special occasions.

Austin City Limits Festival

The Austin City Limits music festival is one of my favorite parts of the year.  I have a lot of good memories from my experiences there.  This year I had hoped that some of my out-of-state friends would come down to join me for Austin City Limits in October. I even purchased extra tickets a year in advance in anticipation.  Unfortunately, due to other engagements and unforeseen time constraints they were not be able to make it.  Maybe next year.  I still ended up having a fun time at ACL and I got to hang out with a lot of my good Austin friends.  I was most excited about seeing Weezer, a band I hadn't seen since college and whose early work defined my development. They didn't have a prominent time spot, but it didn't matter.  There were a lot of good bands though, but I'm usually only familiar with the more established and famous ones.  I enjoy live music, but sometimes it feels like too many people and three days of being outdoors can feel like an endurance contest.  Nevertheless, I do always walk away having had a good time, despite the parking, crowds and weather.  At one point during the festival, I got pushed backstage beyond the gates because of crowding and I just wandered around for a while seeing a whole other underworld of ACL filled with VIPs and worker bees behind the stages.  It was interesting, but scared I might get in trouble, I found my way back inside the park much sooner than in retrospect I should have.  I did miss one day of the festival because my niece Jamie who lives in the Valley had a high school band competition in Austin and I had never seen her show off her Drum Major skills.  I was a very proud uncle that day.  Both Jamie and her older sister Bekkah were drum majors, and at different schools.  I've gone to ACL every year since I first moved to Austin in 2007 and each year has its own distinct memories that seem to pop up as certain songs play on the radio.  This year I hung out with my friend Ricardo and even saw my friends Cynthia and Claudia.  I hadn't seen much of my good friend Christina for the better part of the year, so it was nice to serendipitously run into her and her sister on the last day.  I already have my tickets purchased for next year, which is going to be on two weekends.  This is an open invitation to my out of state friends who would like to come visit in October 2013, it will be blast. That reminds me that I owe a lot of friends visits, and hopefully I'll get to visit Miami, LA, and DC this coming year.  I really do miss these friendships and look forward to catching up.

The Austin Summer

I had a particularly good summer that was quintessentially Austin themed.  I tried many new and fun experiences like stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, yoga, running my first 5K race, salsa lessons, beach volleyball, zip lining across Lake Travis, firework shows, and learning to hike/climb in Zilker for my Longs Peak trip to Colorado.  I even decided to take on a half marathon.  It was a summer filled with the fun and adventure of concerts, dates, drinks, good friends, catching up with old friends and even making some new ones.

A old friend of mine who I hadn't seen since college came to Austin to visit for a job interview and I got to share my adoration for the city with her. It is always nice to see how well people you crossed paths with in the past are now doing.  In the end Austin wasn't the best choice for her at the moment, but it gave me the chance to remember that there is a lot to take advantage of here and I need to continue to expand my horizons.

Summer Gallivanting

When it comes to matters of the heart, I tend to keep those cards close and mostly private, but since I'm caught in a moment of general reflection, I do have a few things on my mind that I took away from the summer. This summer I ventured away from sporadic serial dating to a little more get-to-know-you-better low stakes type of dating. It is easy to get caught up in the short-term excitement of meeting someone new. I feel like each new person I meet helps me learn something new about myself.  I not only refine who I am in the process, but also who I want to be. 

I feel like what I value has changed over time as I have changed, although some of it is still very much the same. I make a lot of the same mistakes I've always made.  Sometimes I confuse who I want a person to be (or wish they would be) with trying to get to know them and accept them for who they actually are.  In the end knowing the true person may lead to incompatibilities that extinguish an imaginary future, but falling for aspirations usually leads to a future where you don't feel fulfilled. You really should believe someone when they show you glimpses of their true selves, but extrapolating one interaction to define a person can also leave you walking away prematurely. Everything is easier said than done and it is hard to be so rational when emotions are involved.  I think we all essentially want the same things and hope can be an inspiring thing, but it can also make you less objective.  That said, who can complain when you have a great time, grow from the experience and no one walks away with any lasting type of hurt. You can't blame a person for not being who you wanted them to be, but if the they don't convince you that you didn't know what you wanted, then when the excitement starts to fade you move on.

I keep being reminded, sometimes by experience, other times quite literally, that you need to live each day on its own and be more present since we are not guaranteed anything.  Why not enjoy the each moment even if, like everything in this world, it cannot last forever.  I get it, I do, and aspire to this, but I do qualify that with the fact that sometimes a moment's importance is underscored by what it means for the future.  A string of moments can have more lasting impact than a solitary one. The idea of insulating yourself from pain seems prudent, there is always the fear that it keeps you from fully enjoying the positive feelings that are right in front of you.  There are enough jaded people in this world to add another one.

The Fall of Transition

The fall snuck up on me, which is much easier in a place like Texas where it can feel like summer late into the fall at times.  In the late summer and early fall my professional life became particularly busy, so my socializing decreased, but I tried to hold on to some work-life balance. I was working until 8pm some nights and even on weekends on my own volition always feeling one action item away from where I needed to be.  I did get a reprieve and now things are back to normal, but it reminded me how thankful I am that I don't life that type of life. It also reminded me that I need to focus on being more efficient so that I can better handle opportunities like that.

In my home life, I took some time for myself to try and get things in order.  I started to put more time into home organizing and cleaning, but somehow I always feel like I can't make a lot of headway in that department.  Things always look 10 times worse halfway through my cleaning project than when I started.  A girl I lived with once shared with me the old adage, "a place for everything and everything in its place."  I'm not very good at finding a place for everything to begin with, which might explain why everything isn't always in its place.  One of my goals is to reduce the amount of clutter that I have, namely accepting that my definition of clutter is way too narrow and that old battery charger I never used is probably better suited for the trash than taking up space in my closet because I might need it one day.  The problem is that I thrive on clutter, maybe because that is how my brain is organized.  That doesn’t mean that I still can’t work on reducing it and managing it better.  Don't get me wrong, I'm relatively organized for a guy, but my socks don't always find the hamper until laundry day and I'm not the best at getting the dishes washed in a timely manner.   Speaking of clutter, it is hard to throw out a perfectly good looking shirt just because odds are that I’ll probably never wear it.  That leads to a closet of approximately 60% of clothes just taking of space.

My Television Shows

I read this Onion article yesterday and it made me laugh, a lot.  [In Focus] Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television. I've run into that so much these fast few years, it even makes me laugh now.  Though I did meet a girl who didn't have a TV, but she didn't tell me until I directly asked her.  I gave her credit for not mentioning it at the first reference to a TV show.   The beginning of the fall tv season is usually a big deal for me as I follow  quite a few shows.  This year I didn't care too much about it and just let the DVR take care of it.  I've cut down a lot of my TV watching, especially cable news.  Well I did break that rule for the weeks heading up to the election, but for me that is the Superbowl of cable news, so I allowed myself that indulgence.  I think that if I didn’t have one more year left on my DirecTV contract, I would probably consider trying to cutting the proverbial cord and try getting away with just using over the air and Internet sources for my TV watching.  The problem is, even if I could make that work, there is something very convenient about having a DVR that I can pause and watch in any room of the house.  Damn you convenience. All that said, I recently marathon caught up on Season 3 of the Walking Dead.

The 2012 Election

I'll skip the usual politics diatribe as most people have their own established views. Needless to say, I was happy with the outcome of the election and was proud that I exercised my right to vote.  I enjoy political discussions more than the average person, but hate how divisive some of the issues can make people.  I'm adamant about my policy positions, but enjoy learning information that can help me change my mind.  The important thing is that I don't dislike people for having different view points and most of the time they don't affect your daily interactions with people, no matter how fundamentally different they can be. Either way, I am happy my President won for reasons you can ask me about in person, though I must say I'm mostly relieved.

The Wilfred Costume Halloween

I had a great Halloween experience this year.  My friend Danny invited me to a Halloween Weekend Party.  I really appreciated the invitation as his friends always seem to be up to something fun.    I decided to work on my home made outfit and make it into a Wilfred costume.  I think I enjoy creative projects more than I thought and can really get into them. My costume wasn't done in time for the party as the tail was still unsewn and I almost decided to flake, but I am glad I didn't.  When I got to Danny's place, I was quickly impressed with the costume selections. Danny dressed up as Launchpad Mcquack, which was very clever and brought back some fun Duck Tales memories. I got to meet some of Danny's friends, TJ, Caroline, and Lindsey.   They dressed up as a 70s style pimp, a Top Gun character and Snow White respectively.

We then headed off to the house party and on the way I had some good conversations with TJ about improv and some of his stand up. The costume party was impressive.  Beer, drinks and costume contest, it was very well done.  My silly dog outfit got very positive reviews which made me feel very good.

I met some really cool people and had some engaging conversations with Lindsey who I had just met.  I was very impressed with the creatively of all the costumes, from Breaking Bad, Star Wars, Waldo, Dr. Seuss, troll dolls, Hunger Games, to an Owl.  I was also happy to see a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a while like Bernie and had jungle juice for the first time probably since college. It was a memorable night.

On the actual night of Halloween which fell on a Wednesday, I had candy at my house for the trick-o-treaters.  The year before hardly anyone came, but this year I was swamped with little kids from ages 2 to 14 and it wasn't long until I was out of candy.  I'm still not sure how much candy per kid I'm supposed to give out, but if I erred, it was on the too much side.  It didn't take long to learn that "as much as you can grab in one hand" was not the best approach.  After the candy was out, I turned out the lights and I headed downtown in my Halloween costume to have some drinks with Itamar, his wife and their friends.

It was an enjoyable night despite being a weeknight and somewhat of a shadow of the weekend Halloween celebration.  I probably had the most conversations with random strangers that night than I had ever had.  I bet a guy from Australia who appreciated my choice of Wilfred.  I'm always so impressed with how much thought goes into some people's costumes.  There were two couples that dressed up, so I'm told, as Moonrise Kingdom characters and happened to run into each other.  I need to see this movie. 

Lamby Pie!

I did have a moment that was by far my Halloween highlight.  I had called it a night and was walking back to my car after having been very disappointed in how 6th Street on Halloween night wasn't the way I remembered it.  I had still had a good night and was in a chipper mood, but was ready to get home.  As I'm getting near my car a black SUV at a stop light opens their window and asks me for a photo of my costume.  Having done a few photos that night, I was like sure, expecting a photo out the window of me posing.  Instead, they stop traffic and open the door to get out and take the photo with me. That was nice I thought.   Then I look at who it is that is getting out and I'm shocked to see it is Jessica Alba and a friend I guess. Yes, the beautiful actress I first got to know in Dark Angel so many years ago.  She was in town filming a movie.  Jessica, or Jess as I call her in my head, was sure I was a lamb called Lamby Pie and I went with it because, for her, I would totally be anything.  (Side note: actually, my costume looks so much like a lamb, I might remake it into Lamb Chop one of these years.  I can spend the night singing the song that doesn't end.)  Her bodyguard or male friend gets ready to take the photo as her and her friend hug me from the sides.  How I could be any happier?  Jess reminds me that lambie-pie does the peace sign, of course, how could I forget, still having no clue which character I was portraying, so I did my peace sign and the picture was taken. The body guard guy would not take a photo with my phone with an explanation that was more of a look that conveyed "never gonna happen" rather than a clear verbal reason. I didn't care and just tried to enjoy the moment that a celebrity asked for a photo with me.  It really made my night, was a wonderful memory, and capped off a very fun Halloween.

By the way, some research on the internets revealed that there is a doll from I think the 80s called Lamby Pie, which I can say I did look very close to.  I can see why she thought that, but talk about a particular reference.

Running - Half Marathon

This section on my running stories was going to be part of this catch-all entry, but it got so long I decided to do a full separate entry on it here.

Holidays

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, man that came fast.  My plan was to stay in Austin since Christmas is so close and two trips down to the Valley in such a short period just seemed like a hassle right now.  But as things turned out, I'm instead going to Ft. Worth to visit my grandmother who I haven't seen in few months.  It will be nice to spent some time with her as it has been too long.  We used to talk a lot on the phone, but now that she has been battling illness after illness, we talk on the phone a lot less.  My mother and sister Ana drove up to Ft. Worth for Thanksgiving too and stopped at my house on the way up.  It was nice visiting with them and I'm always impressed with how much stuff, namely ice chests full of food, that my mom travels with.  I'm sure everyone will be happy when they try the tamales.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and need to get on my gift shopping.  Despite my agnostic leanings, Christmas is still one of my favorite holidays, which ironically is simultaneously one of the most religious and most secular holidays there is.  I see it as part of the year where you refresh, reflect and get ready for the next year upon you.  It is like one big holiday that starts on Christmas eve and ends on New Years day for me. You get to reconnect with family and every now and then you get surprised with a present you weren't expecting, but absolutely love.  It also doesn't hurt that my birthday comes two days after Christmas too, making it that much more of a super holiday. 

Looking Forward

It has been a good year so far and that was not the feeling I had as it started. I feel more filled with optimism and hope than I have been in a while.  From trying new things to getting to know new people, I have a feeling that the months ahead have a lot to look forward to. By the way, I'm well aware that I probably took some liberties with the word "quick" when referring to this entry in the intro, but that is what happens when you take too much time off.

It is easier to know about a person than to know a person.