Abuelito

"The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children. It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone. It is in us that their history becomes a future." ~Charles and Ann Morse

"A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world." ~Charles and Ann Morse

"I loved their home. Everything smelled older, worn but safe; the food aroma had baked itself into the furniture." ~Susan Strasberg

"Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers." ~Lewis Mumford

Friday, a little before 9pm I got a phone call from my sister I knew had to come. My grandfather has just passed away. He was 97 years old and one of the strongest men I have ever known. It has been pretty hard, especially dealing with the complex feelings I'm having. He was in a nursing home and I would do my best to visit him whenever I was home. At first it was a temporary thing, a place to recover after getting sick. It became more permanent. When he first had to go in it looked like he would pass away, but he was strong and fought back. I really cherished being able to visit him and talk to him while he was alive. What meant most was that he would recognize me most of the time and still tell me stories. As time passed, you could tell he was fading away mentally, but there were still special moments of lucidity. Then he took a turn for the worst and each time I would visit him he was pretty much just in bed in what I'll call sleep. It was in those moments I was able to say goodbye, able to thank him once again for his love. I knew it was coming, I knew that this is the way it is supposed to be, you live a full life and then you move on to be with the Lord. He wasn't abruptly taken from our lives, but taken nevertheless and the sadness still hurts. Part of me is happy for him, happy he is no longer in the pain he had to endure for years, but the selfish part of me just can't let go.

My grandmother is the person I'm worrying about the most, but she has been so very strong. I still admire how she would go and visit him every single day for years. I wonder if I'll ever have a person that loves me that much, that spends each day with me even though I would never know they were there. She has a lot of support.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart right now. So much more than I can say. These feelings made me remember how when I was in college I wrote a letter to my grandparents sharing with them how much I loved them and what they meant to me. Shared is the letter below. I'll end with that. There is still so much more unsaid.

Letter to my
Grandparents - March 12, 2001

Dear Martina and Jose Lira,

Grandma and Grandpa. I am writing you this letter in English, but
I am going to have it translated into Spanish as well. I hope you
have someone read it out loud to you so that you can hear every
word of what I have to say. I'm been in college 3 years now and I
never felt comfortable writing you because I didn't feel like I
could express myself in a clear way. Either I would write a
really complicated English letter, or a really bad Spanish letter.
Instead I decided to try this letter, and I hope every word comes
across as I wanted it to. I don't even know where to start. I
love you both. I have always wondered if you understood that. I
don't love you because I feel I have to, but for the fact that
you two are the only two people in the world I feel I have
unconditional love from. I feel so separated from the world, but
with you I always felt so at home, so loved, so cared for.

As a child, I was blessed to have pleasure of growing up under
your supervision, and that has made all the difference. Everyone
saw me as spoiled, but all that you did for me made me the person
that I am today. I wanted to for you, wanted to do great things
just to make you proud, to make all your sacrifices not be in
vain. My values were instilled in me by you, the way I looked at
life, and the way I looked at love.

I look back towards growing up and I have so many wonderful
memories, all in my "casa de tablas" I'll never forget
crushing cans and watching grandpa make money from scrap metal
and aluminum. I think that is where I got my craving for business
and making money. As children we made wooden swords and played in
the dirt outside, climbed trees, rode bikes, picked peaches,
burned things we shouldn't be burning. I don't remember being so
happy. I remember eating tortillas con mantequilla and frijoles
and eggs, lots of eggs. I fell in love with nutty buddies that
grandpa would bring from the store on his bike. I remember
sleeping as a child and the 'cuentitos' that you would tell me.
About the bunny, about the wolf and so many that made me so happy
to hear. I remember hitting my head on the bed so hard, and
grandpa getting mad at me playfully about breaking the bed and
how I told you I had broken my head. How when you asked for
kisses I would say "cabo, cabo". You always made me
feel so loved, so cared for, like there was no way that I could
be wrong in your eyes. I felt special, and to feel special in
one's life isn't very common. I idolized both of you, for
everything you had done to be where you were, where you got our
family.

I understand that you two are both people, with faults of your
own, but to me you are the two most perfect people I know. I
don't think I loved anyone more. You two will always be my role
models, my inspiration.

I am ashamed that as I grew up that I lost my language, my
connection to you. I could no longer share with you what I was
feeling or what I was thinking as easily as I could before. My
love never faltered, but my power to express it did. That is my
only regret.

You instilled in me a value for education and hard work. I didn't
want to become successful so that I wouldn't be like you as you
would tell us, but successful so that I could fulfill your dream
for a better life, be the product which you formed. My life is a
tribute to yours, all your struggles, all your hardship and most
importantly all your love.

All the money in the world could not buy me the love that I
received from you. I don't think I ever really knew how to tell
you that you meant so much to me. I never felt like I deserved
your love, but the well never ran dry. Even today I feel just as
loved and sometimes I wish I was a child again, playing at your
house, sleeping in your bed, eating your food, and being there
for your embrace.

I'm here in college, I have a year to go and it feels harder
every year. This isn't easy for me being so far away from
everyone I love, everything I know, all alone on my own trying to
make that better life that you wanted for me. I had to dream big,
you made me feel like I could do anything, be anybody and here I
am following that dream. I only accept the best because that is
what you gave me. I am here to make you proud, to make my family
proud, to make myself proud. I know you would support me in
anything I do, so I am out here in selfish holding on to
your love not knowing what I wouthe world doing it, knowing
that even though I'm far from home, that your love is still there
waiting for me when I return. I feel sold do without you. In my heart, I
know I will never lose you, and I cherish every moment that we
have together. I cherish your advice, your stories, your history,
you as people.

I have made a lot of great friends up here in New York, people I
care about and enjoy spending time with. They have helped me
appreciate where I came from, who I am and helped me see the
importance of family. I do miss you very much and can't wait to
see you, and one day I promise I will raise my children with
everything you have taught me. Thank you for not forgetting about
me and for calling whenever you can. I hope I have been the
grandson that you wanted me to be when you held me in your arms.

Love always,

Martin "Martincito" Alaniz

Queridos Martina y José Lira,

Abuelita y abuelito. Les escribo esta carta en ingles, pero voy a
pedir que alguien la traduzca al español también. Espero que se
la lean en voz alta para que puedan oír todo lo que les tengo
que decir. Llevo tres años aquí en la universidad y nunca me
sentí lo suficientemente cómodo como para escribirles, pensando
que no me iba a poder expresar claramente. Pensé que escribiría
una carta demasiado complicada en ingles o una muy mala en español.
En vez, decidí tratar esta carta y espero que entiendan el
significado que quise darle a cada palabra. No se ni por donde
comenzar. Los quiero mucho a ambos. Me pregunto si siempre lo han
sabido? No los quiero solo por que son familia, sino por que son
las únicas dos persona en el mundo que me han brindado su amor
sin condición. Me siento tan alejado del mundo a veces, pero con
ustedes siempre me sentí como "en casa", con tanto
amor, y tanto cariño.

Como niño, fui privilegiado de criarme con ustedes, y eso ha
hecho toda la diferencia. Todos pensaban que era "malcriado",
pero todo lo que hicieron por mi, me convirtió en la persona que
soy hoy en día. Quería ser alguien y lograr éxito para que
estuvieran orgullosos de mi y para que sus sacrificios no fueran
en vano. Fueron ustedes los que me enseñaron los valores que
utilizo en la forma que miro la vida, y el amor.

Miro atrás, cuando estaba creciendo y tengo tantos buenos
recuerdos en mi "casa de tablas." Nunca olvidare cuando
aplastaba latas y ayudaba a abuelo a hacer dinero de pedazos de
metal y aluminio. Creo que de ahí salió mi interés por el
dinero y los negocios. Como niños, hacíamos espadas de madera y
jugábamos en la tierra afuera, trepábamos árboles, corríamos
bicicleta, comíamos melocotones, quemábamos cosas que no debíamos
haber quemado. No recuerdo haber sido tan feliz. Recuerdo comer
tortillas con mantequilla, frijoles, y huevos, muchos huevos. Me
enloquecí con los "nutty buddies" que abuelo traía
del colmado en su bicicleta. Recuerdo cuando me dormía con los
cuentitos que me hacían antes de acostarme. Uno del conejo y
otro de un lobo y otros que me ponían muy contentos al oírlos.
Recuerdo haberme dado en la cabeza un día y ver a abuelo muy
enojado conmigo (aunque bromeaba) por haber roto la cama y yo
diciendo que me había roto la cabeza de seguro. Cuando me pedían
besos siempre les decía "cabo, cabo." Siempre me
hicieron sentir tan querido, tan amado, como si en sus ojos, nada
de lo que yo hiciera podía estar mal. Me sentía muy especial, y
sentirse especial no es muy común en la vida. Los hidrolizaba a
ambos, por todo lo que hicieron para llegar a donde llegaron hoy
en día, y hasta donde trajeron nuestra familia.

Entiendo que ustedes son seres humanos, con faltas de por si,
pero para mi, son las persona mas perfectas que conocí. No creo
que ame a nadie mas que a ustedes. Siempre serán mis ídolos y
mi inspiración.

Me avergüenza, que al crecer perdí mi lengua, mi comunicación
con ustedes. Ya no podía compartir con ustedes lo que pensaba o
sentía tan fácilmente como antes. Mi amor nunca fallo, pero mi
método de expresarlo si. Y esa es mi única pena.

Plantaron un valor en mi para la educación y el trabajo. No
quiero sobresalir para tratar de tener una vida distinta a la
suya, como nos dirían, sino sobresalir para alcanzar sus sueño
de una mejor vida, ser el producto de lo que ustedes crearon. Mi
vida es un atributo a la suya, todas sus luchas, los tiempos
duros que pasaron, y mas que nada, su amor.

Todo el dinero del mundo no podría comprar el amor que ustedes
me brindaron. No creo que supe como decirles lo significante que
fueron en mi vida. Nunca pensé que era digno de todo su amor,
pero ustedes nunca pararon de brindarlo. Todavía hoy me siento
igualmente querido y a veces quisiera volver a ser niño, jugar
en su casa, dormir en su cama, comer su comida, y sentir sus
abrazos.

Aquí estoy en la universidad, me falta un año y me parece mas
duro cada día. No es fácil para mi estar tan lejos de todos los
que amo, todo lo que conozco, solo y por mi cuenta, tratando de
lograr la mejor vida que ustedes querían para mi. Tenia que
agrandar mis sueños, me dijeron que podía lograr lo que
quisiera y aquí estoy siguiendo ese sueño. Solo acepto lo mejor
por que eso es lo que ustedes me dieron. Estoy aquí para
enorgullecerlos, para enorgullecer a mi familia y a mi mismo. Se
que tengo su apoyo en cualquier cosa que yo haga, así salí al
mundo a hacerlo, sabiendo que aunque estoy lejos de casa, su amor
me espera cuando regrese. Me siento un poco egoísta cogiendo
todo ese amor, sin saber que haría sin ustedes. En mi corazón,
se que nunca los voy a perder, y aprecio cada momento que tenemos
juntos. Aprecio sus consejos, sus cuentos, su historia, a ustedes
como personas.

Tengo muy buenos amigos aquí en New York, gente que quiero mucho
y aprecio igual su compañía. Me han ayudado a apreciar de donde
vine, quien soy, y a ver la importancia de la familia. Los extraño
mucho, no puedo esperar volver a verlos, y les prometo que un día
criare mis propios hijos con todo lo que me han enseñado.
Gracias por no olvidarse de mi y llamarme cada vez que pueden.
Espero que hasta ahora halla logrado ser el nieto que ustedes
querían que fuera cuando primero me cogieron en sus brazos.


Con mucho amor siempre,

Martín "Martincito" Alaniz

I'll miss you