Infinite Perfect Moments

"In all the world there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine." - Maya Angelou

I am finding it harder to keep to my hiatus and not write as much. You get a random thought in the middle of the day that you'd like to share, but have no place to write it. You read something you think is neat and have no place to get feedback from your friends on it. This is why I enjoy having a blog. Here is an example that fit in well with recent events in my life. My friend Christina shared this article with me the other day: The Frisky: Are you stuck on your first love? I didn't have high expectations for the article, which did prove to be mediocre, but there was this a nugget of gold in there, a passage about a study and a link that I found very insightful:

According to Dr. Malcolm Brynin, principal research officer at the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex, first serious relationships are often “so idealized, they set up unrealistic benchmarks for subsequent relationships.” Dr. David Nias, a clinical psychologist at the University of London, echoes this sentiment, explaining that this kind of attachment is related to “imprinting,” the “psychological theory that we attach ourselves strongly to the first people we have certain relationships with.” Dr. Nias argues that the same kind of imprinting we experience with our mothers in childhood, we experience with our first loves, and that that often results in “lifelong attachments.”

It links to this article, The importance of first love, which goes on to say:

Dr David Nias, a clinical psychologist at the University of London, believes that first love is more likely to be a lifelong attachment because we have the equivalent of imprinting in our first romantic relationship. He says, "The first encounter has extra excitement and leaves a lasting impression. Men will remember the number plate of their first car because it has more impact than subsequent cars."

I can definitely see how this makes sense and love the personal irony that this research was done in London. A recurring theme in my life has been an unrealistic benchmark for relationships (as clearly shown here). I feel like when you are young you have this idealistic view of relationships and people and what to expect. When timing, life or reality doesn't let things pan out like you imagined, you hold on to this idea of what you think you lost. The memory becomes a fairy tale in your mind becoming more grand over time as you forget the bad and exaggerate the good and nothing in real life can ever compare to what you considered to be so true and so pure. As more time passes and you progress in life, you become more jaded and cynical when it comes to building relationships with people since they can't measure up. Little do you know that the real problem is in your own head and heart and the expectations that you, not the relationship created. You are falsely comparing each moment against an infinite imagination of perfect moments.

I want a lot from life and from people and by no means do I endorse settling for less than you want, but you have to be able to evaluate what you have with a clear head and not these mental roadblocks of a magical 'what could have been.' No one in my life has ever been able to live up to the 'how it is supposed to be' idea I had in my head, yet I've had relationships with some truly amazing people. People that have or will make any person very happy. You value the time you spend with people in life, be it a few months or years, each moment is still of value. I value those moments very much and they have shaped my life. Some moments are more intense than others and those I cherish.

So you can hold on so tightly to this love you have created, thinking it so pure and righteous, thereby shutting out the world and yourself to real experiences in new relationships. It isn't as clear cut as I make it sound, I've clearly been in love a handful of times, but it is this type of thinking that tears away at the edges. Makes you think there is something better just around the corner. Maybe it is the instinct to keep moving on that is strong in me.

People love to say, "Why should I settle?" It seems to me more of an excuse for ending a relationship you would never truly have considered settling with or as an excuse for being alone. It is very cliche and often said to others as a way to justify your present situation, but in truth there is no one in the world who wants to settle, that we can all agree on. I don't know why I went on that tangent, I just hate when single people say that (and when coupled people say that to single people) and hate that it was once my excuse. I thought that anything that didn't meet my unrealistic benchmark I'd consider to be settling. Maybe settling is the wrong framework from which to judge your decisions. The truth is probably closer to the fact that I enjoy my life and the freedom to make my own choices and live with the consequences. The fact that my decisions only affect me and not others and hence I can be less risk adverse. With love comes commitment and responsibility and putting that off as long as you can is what I've been happy to do. It's a fair enough life choice, if not the one others would choose for themselves.

At some point, you have to grow up and get over it. Get it and understand. You know, be a man and move on and don't let your well intentioned thoughts of days past be the shackles of today. Now as an adult, I think I get it, I get how people generally work, I get how I work, but yet somehow this topic still weighs on the mind. Maybe because it is heavily influenced by emotion and the endorphins in my brain that seem to not fit in so rationally to what I know is true. Nevertheless, I have grown up.

best wishes, in letting go