Oops, I forgot about a lot of you. But the song sounded really good back then. Wasn't high school great? I feel like I only remember a handful of people, but Myspace is really starting to change that. Nothing like 80s music to help you space out while working on a paper.
I spent all night working a paper. The routine gets old, but it still happens. I am the worst student ever. I wasn't even sleepy, but I just didn't want to be writing it. I really enjoy law school, this is exactly what I want to be doing, what I want to be learning, but somehow my mind likes to make things hard on me. Isn't that the story about everything. Luckily, I got a few good hours of sleep and then did my editing with a fresh mind in the morning.
So it has been 3 years since my older sister Vero passed away. Man how time passes. Last year I spend this day in Miami, the year before that in DC, and when it happened I was in DC on my way back from Willamsburg in a snow strom. It is a series of days that is a blur, but is also very vivid. I'll never forget the urgent phone messages, my calls to my family including Vero that went unanswered. I knew from the second I heard Ana's voice someone has died, but I didn't know who. I literally dropped the phone. I had just been in an argument in the hour before that and now everything else seemed so meaningless. My entire body hurt. I went outside to shovel snow from our parking spot so that we could park the car and those 45 mins in the freezing cold couldn't numb the pain. I just wanted to get my mind off of it and not be a complete wreak. I don't know why I want to visit these memories, but I had never felt so helpless in my life as I did everything I could to get to Texas in the middle of a snow storm. The details you can probably find on my blog somewhere, but what I'll never forget is how all I could think was that life was forever going to be changed. I wondered if I had been a good enough brother, if I fully appreciated her, if I made the most of our relationship. You go from sadness to complete anger, but you have no one to be angry with.
As each year passes, you worry that memories will fade, that she will be the memory of my sister and not my sister. I don't know what to say when people ask me how many brothers and sisters I have. I remember the last time I was home, only two months before, sitting her her bed as she shared with me what was going on in her life, asking for my advice. And then you think that so many people go through this, sometimes in much worse ways and what kills you is that you know you are going to have to go through it again.
All I have left is pictures, stories and the memories that get more hazy as time passes. It is hard to explain, but it is a selfish pain, one that you feel guilty when you don't have, and one that makes you indifferent to other people's pain. I hope that if one day I have a little girl, I'll get to name her Veronica after the aunt she never got to know, but whose spirit she know from her cousins Bekka and Jamie. I really hope she can see what I am doing with my life and that she is still as proud as she always was of me.
Wednesday I played in the $300 million powerball. I had a feeling that I would win, but that feeling did not come true. That didn't stop me from figuring out how I would spend all that money. I did win $8, but it is nothing compared to what I put in, plus almost half of that is owned by other people that purchased shares. I need to be a millionare already. Nobody else won, which actually made me happy...you know the if I can't have her, no one can have her. Now it is up to $365 million...great. We have a plan of selling powerball tickets on the street, but I doubt it is going to happen.
making bad decisions
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