I have a theory or view about decisions. There are many types of decisions we have to make in life, some easier than others and some with larger ramifications than others. It seems to me that those decisions that tend to have the biggest impact on our lives are the ones that are harder to make. That just isn't true. Usually those are straight forward and many times we really don't have a viable 2nd option, so we just go with the best option we have. Its a no brainer. For example, my decision to move to DC after college. That was a big decision, I had no job or apartment and didn't know if I would be able to make it there. But I had no choices, no alternatives, so giving it my best shot in DC was easy to make. Moving to Miami was pretty much the same thing as far as it not being that hard. Now, those decisions made a very big impact on my life, yet were not that hard to accept. I don't ever regret them. Now my decision to move back to DC for law school. That one also would make a big impact, but in comparison it was the hardest. Here I had options, I had to decide which path I wanted to take in life, Miami, Texas or DC (and where in DC as well). I made what I felt and still feel was the best decision. But it is much easier to second guess yourself when you had equally enticing opportunties.
I say all this because a friend of mine is about to make a big decision. He is going to move across the country with no job, apartment or even car. He has done this once. The first time it wasn't a hard decision, he needed to go to school and he had nothing where he was so he went. This time around, he is leaving a job opporunity and his home to venture out do what he just feels in his gut he should. This decision is harder because he has to give something up in order to get what he hopes to get. Is a bird in the hand really better than 2 in the bush. I feel like I have been gambling on that bush and there better a shitload of birds in there because I've let a lot of hand birds go. So my moral is that decisions are harder when you have to give up something equally as opportunist rather than just the gravity of the decision and the impact it can have upon your life.
Moral inconvienience. I went to BK for lunch since they still have that jalepeno thing going on. I ordered my sandwhich and a jalepeno on the side. This always baffles them and they never know how to charge it. When I sat down and saw my receipt, I noticed that they subtracted 88 cents from my meal instead of charging it. I thought up going up to pay my 88 cents. Your moral character is based on how you act when no one is watching right. Then I thought about it, they really don't care about my 88 cents, it would be more trouble just to correct it than to have the money. My going up there and making an issue of it would more be for my own moral satisfaction and feeling like a good person than actually being one. I mean, 88 cents is a terrible markup first of all (25 cents at home) and I don't go around figuring out how much ketchup is worth and limiting my taking of them based on trying to be moral. Sometimes trying to be moral (which really isn't moral the more you think about it) causes so much trouble it defeats the whole purpose. I pocketed my 88 cents that I'll use on a coke. Wait, I got a refill on the way out, 75 more cents saved.
There was a worker who took her lunch break while I was there. You would think if you worked at a food place, you would just eat what they sell. She had her own lunch, made at home and it actually looked healthy. It made me feel like shit, but also showed how much will power it takes to eat right in all that junk, when other people, namely me, drive towards that junk to pick it up.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out, my motivations and different issues I might have that I just can't recognize. I've decided I just don't like the feeling of being trapped. I don't like to have to be somewhere. Maybe it has to do with school and how I resented having to be there daily as a kid or how I had no control to leave if I wanted. It might explain my lack of going to class in some sense. I dont' go out enough because I spend too much time thinking about how I just can't go home. This is even when I'm having a good time. I don't like to sleep at girl's places overnight and hate being a visitor in someone's house. What is it about being around my stuff that gives me so much comfort? I mean, at work I have my computer, access to tv, my own office, restrooms, and everything short of a bed. But I don't have the freedom to do nothing I guess. I hate having a full schedule, having all my hours accounted for. Just makes me feel like I have no control. I like to be able to do what I want and have no restrictions on it. Just makes no sense that I wouldn't want to do "what I want" and go to lets say a bar or a dinner with a friend for instance, because well it would keep me from doing "what I want." I know its confusing, I'm confused too, but I'm trying to understand why I hate having obligations. I watch the daily show daily, but I don't see it as an obligation. I eat crap daily, don't have problems with that. So why is going to bed early and eating right feel like its something that is controling and trapping me whereas living shitty feels like complete freedom. I'm a slave to the way my mind works, maybe because its the way my mind works, and that makes sense.
Yesterday I saw a cop on a motorcycle. I started to worry that I might do something wrong and get pulled over. Then I thought it was irrational to think that. Then a guy passed on my right as I was trying to merge left and bam the cop pulled him over. Then he pulled over another guy right after. This morning I was driving to work, and there was a cop. I check to see if I was speeding, but I didn't know the speed limit. He took off and I was like shit. Luckily, he pulled over another guy. I had a dream last night I was being chased by cops because some guys gave me a free bag of drugs for doing them a favor and I was wearing some sort of tracker. Oh and there was a drug sniffing dog too. I think I'm going to be careful around the law.
i knew i shouldn't of done it, but i did it anyway
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