Camping

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Author Unknown

On Saturday I got a call from Abram. He had plans to go camping with my cousin Adam, but his truck broke down. He had to spend the night at a gas station waiting for a tow truck. He and Corey had plans to go to South Padre for the week. So on their way down in Corey's car, they dropped by. Abram and I went over to Rino's house and hung out there. We got to meet his girlfriend. We drank, played poker and had a good time. It was an unexpected visit. The next morning I dropped Abram off in San Marcos and they took off the beach.

I'm dog sitting for Rino next week. That should be an interesting time. This will be my second time dog sitting in my life. Why am I a cat person? My cats smell good, dogs not so much. I'm supposed to like dogs, maybe I have just never owned one.


Monday was a better day. I went to my morning class and we got out early at 11am. It was Claudia's birthday so I joined her and Hector for lunch at this Wings place. The food was good and we tried to make her day a little brighter considering the whole bar exam studying. Then we went to St. Eds were we studyed the rest of the day. After that, I convinced them to go to dinner. I wanted some drinks to celebrate her birthday and just because I needed to unwind. We ended up going to the place we had lunch for my brother Abram's graduation right next door to the doubletree hotel. I liked that place. I had a few beers and we talked. It was a productive day and I didn't feel the least bit bad relaxing considering the day I put in.

There are so many things going through my mind still, but life is a good distraction. I hate to be taken for granted and sometimes you just reach the extent you are willing to bend before you have a little self respect and turn around. Maybe I shouldn't of drank so much tonight.

Have I mentioned I got an A in my econ class. I'm pretty proud of that. I got a B in commerical paper, which was decent considering the effort. I don't get many As, so I was very proud of that.

President Bush was presented with a letter Monday signed by 50 high school seniors in the Presidential Scholars program urging a halt to "violations of the human rights" of terror suspects held by the United States. These kids are my heros. The designation as a Presidential Scholar is one of the nation's highest honors for graduating high school students. Each year the program selects one male and one female student from each state, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Americans living abroad, 15 at-large students, and up to 20 students in the arts on the basis of outstanding scholarship, service, leadership and creativity.The handwritten letter said the students "believe we have a responsibility to voice our convictions."
"We do not want America to represent torture. We urge you to do all in your power to stop violations of the human rights of detainees, to cease illegal renditions, and to apply the Geneva Convention to all detainees, including those designated enemy combatants," the letter said.

finances

First Day of Summer

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep." -Dale Carnegie

On Tuesday night I had a sleep study done. I did not know what to expect, but know that I wanted to make sure I got my sleep situation worked out. I showed up not quite sure how I should be dressed. The place was nice, but still had more of a doctor's office feel than a hotel room feel. I waited for a while in my room not knowing what to expect. First thing I noticed was all the pillows. Man, there were two normal pillows, two fancy ones on top of that, then square ones and a small square one...I think they are called throw pillows. It looked nice and all, but totally over the top. I mean, how can one or two people use that many pillows. I'll just never get pillows. The top ones were too nice to use anyway I think. But I digress. So finally the nurse lady came in and told me they would show me a video on what was going to happen. It wasn't the greatest quality, but it let me know what to expect. It was weird since I was spending so much money part of me wanted to know what was wrong, but the other part wanted me to be normal so I can just cancel that cause off my list. I was assuming there were be a few wires and such, but man I was wrong. I sat down and for 20-30 mins the lady started putting electrode after electrode on me. It makes you really aware of your body. From my legs to the top of my head. Then came this tube they put on my nose and in my mouth to check for breathing. Once I was all wired up, all I could think was that I wanted a picture, just because I don't think anyone could really understand without seeing it.

I was really glad I had gone to the restroom before hand. I then took a sleeping pill (my choice) and laid down. I told the lady that I sleep on my stomach and she said I couldn't, but that I could sleep on my side. I was worried it would make it harder to fall asleep. We then tested all the wires by me moving my arms and legs and eyes all about on her command. It felt weird knowing there was a camera watching me and this voice coming out of the wall. Then it was time for bed. The room was really dark and I was left there with just my thoughts. That is probably the largest part of my insomnia. I tossed and turned for a bit very aware of the wires...oh I had a pulse thing on my ring finger as well. I was sure that would come off at night, but it didn't. Then before I knew it, the medicine kicked in and it was 6am in a flash. I sat down and had everything removed. She told me I snored a bit, but it wasn't too bad, but that it would take a few weeks to get my results. She said her guess it would at worst just be mild. I hope they are very detailed in the report I get. I drove back home 30mins and instead of going to class, fell asleep. I don't know how to explain it, but I spent the entire day in bed, something I haven't done in a while.

Thursday morning I started my regular schedule and went to my 2nd day of class and after a doctor's appointment, went to the library to study with Hector and Claudia. I also got the notes I missed the day before. I think I should go there more, but St. Eds is so far away.

Friday was the simulated MBE. 3 hours in the morning and 3 in the afternoon. It kicked my ass, but I enjoyed every moment of it because I know that it will give me a better idea of how screwed I am. I recognized the topics most of the time, but had no clue the answer since I didn't have the rule memorized or learned. Now on Saturday and Sunday I'll be going to class from 9-5pm going over that test. That is going to be long, but it is important. I hope it helps me learn how to be a better test taker. I was able to finish early due to not knowing answers and just guessing and moving on. If this were only the test for the bar I'd be scared, but there is TWO more days of essays I need to learn for as well. Let's see how all this translates.

I haven't been able to shake the down, lonely and stressed feeling I've had since graduation. It isn't really the test, more so my finances, lack of a job/job search (or lack there of) and more finances (I think this might be my month to go below water). I wish I could get a handle on things emotionally. I know how not to care, but I don't feel not caring makes things better in reality. It just pretends things are not happening. I like to make things better, to fix things, to work toward my happiness. To make things right and just. Then I get down on myself, I mean shit, I just had this outpouring of love and congratulations from my family and friends last weekend, yet I can't let that lift me up longer, I'm not dealing with a life threatening cancer like one of my friends, I'm not worrying about getting married and what that means in my life, I have so many things, but not peace of mind it seems. It sounds so weak saying this type of shit, and I don't like who I am when I do. These are just moments though, moments when I feel like I don't have control. At other times I feel normal, even great at times, but I'll never complain about that. If I pass the bar I think I'm just going to move to Mexico and get away from it all for like a year. I don't even know what I'm running away from.

I recommend watching Sicko. It is very good and since I'm not going to have health insurance soon, it talked about issues that I am worried about. I have the Nader documentary coming in the mail soon, so hopefully I'll like that.

that was it, no more

Family

"You never learn from success. Success you take as the natural order of things."-David Ivor Young

On Friday I didn't have class. I waited for my cousin Rino to get out of work and then we drove down to the Valley for my graduation party. The drive ended up being longer when I took a wrong turn in San Antonio. We ended up getting home a little past midnight and Jamie was there waiting for us. We stayed up for a while catching up with Jamie and then went to bed. It had been a while since I had gone to sleep past 11pm.

The next morning we got up and drove to Mexico. I hadn't been the last few times I had been home and it is something I like to do. Rino and I crossed the bridge into Progresso and did a bit of shopping. We had a late lunch at a Mexican restaurant. We then purchased 5 bottles and then headed home.

After stopping by my mom's house, I went over to the Party. Rick was nice enough to let us use his backyard for the party. Eliza and Ana put the party together and I didn't have to worry about anything. When I arrived I was very surprised with how much effort and work that went into the party. I was impressed with the decorations, catering and all the details (including my favorite food brocolli) that went into it. The first thought that came to me was wow I am really loved. They set up tables with a casino theme, there was a bar, a cake and a table of pictures from past graduations. It was also great that the backyard was really awesome with a pool, palm trees and space. My family started to arrive and I got to see a lot of my family that I hadn't seen in a while, but want to start seeing more. My cousins, aunts and uncles all arrived and they were all very proud of me.

I tried to visit with everyone and was very thankful that they showed up. I feel like I was able to get to know some people a lot better too. As the night got later, Ricardo, Jerry and Leonor showed up. I was happy they were able to make it. We drank and talked for a few hours. Late into the night when everyone was gone, we were left with Ana, Eliza, Rino, Rick, and Alex. We stayed up until 4am and I got really drunk. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to start drinking in Mexico that morning. Overall, I had a really great time.

On Sunday, I woke up and had lunch with my mother, Eliza, Tori, Bekkah and Jamie. I made sure to with my father a happy father's day. We then started our drive back to Austin at about 1pm. I received some text messages that were sent days earlier, I wish my phone would just work normally. The drive was shorter on the way back, but felt longer.

On Monday it was back to business as usual. I went to my morning class where I learned about Trusts. Claudia did not make it, but Hector did. I left my contracts cd in Rino's cd case, so I talked to Abram on my drive back.

I have some news. It seems like everyone is getting married, well engaged as of late. I just found out that my friend Jorge and Michelle are now engaged. I am so happy for them. They are the quintessential perfect for each other couple. Jorge is a lucky man. I think that is pretty amazing news.

grand day

Broken Phone

"Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future." - Sivananda

My cell phone is broken. I don't know what it is. Maybe it is because I dropped it. It only gets text messages days late and doesn't log all my calls. I have to keep reseting it to get it to work. Communication is a big deal. Sometimes when means of communication break down assumptions are made. All I know is that I feel that a person should never intentionally try to hurt another person. For any reason. There are many things that are wrong with me right now, but now isn't the time to fix it.


I am beat after my two doubles of bar review classes. 9-12:30 and 6-9:30 plus 45 mins driving each way twice (3 hours). At least I'll have a 2 day break during a 9 day class streach. On the Wednesday night class Hector and Claudia did not come so it was a bit lonely. Then on Thursday I showed up to class at 9am and noticed it was an 8:30am class. I felt silly, but Hector and Claudia were not there either. I have Friday - Sunday off.

My sleep study got moved until next week. We had a problem with my doctor being out. I was hoping to talk about that experience. I'm still doing great at running each morning at 7am. I listen to the Fray or watch CNN and each day I can run a little bit more. It still isn't too impressive, but I'm proud of my advancements. I'm happy I have a threadmill.

Too bad the Spurs won so easily. I was hoping to have more finals games to watch.

I just heard that Pooch Cafe might become a TV series. How cool would that be? I wish I had taken Texas Civil Procedure, and consumer law...oh yeah and Oil and Gas.

married?

Clever

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.” - Richard Bach

I finally got to see the Good Shepard. There are a few netflix movies that that I have not caught up with. I haven't had as much time to watch movies as of late so it will be some time before I get to catch up to my list. I went with Oscar and Danny to watch Knocked Up on Saturday. It was a funny movie, but I think it is more of a rental. I did laugh a lot though.

I can be clever too.

Sunday was series finale of the Sopranos. I can't believe I have seen every episode. I remember when I started watching it in season 3. We rented the videos in college and spent the entire weekend (and longer) watching a marathon. I've been hooked ever since. I didn't like that there were still many untied ends and the ending I was not a big fan of either. My guess is that there will be a movie in a few years that will tie everything up.


The Spurs are kicking butt in the NBA finals. It almost makes it boring to watch, but they are my team and it is the last playoff action until the World Series.

Big Love is back. It was a show I didn't think I would like, but somehow I find it very interesting. There is only one show now I watch on HBO since Deadwood probably isn't coming back.

I was looking through blogs Saturday morning and I ran across this entry. I didn't think much of it at first. It is a birthday card from a husband to a wife. She liked the card and thought it was funny but something about it offended her. http://aintitfunny-rhonda.blogspot.com/2007/05/birthday-greetings.html I didn't get it until she mentioned, it was a birthday card about sex and the husband signed his name and his 2 year old daughter's. She felt it was inapporpriate for him to sign the daughter's name to the card. I agree with her in theory, but if you really look at the guys intentions, he was trying to be sweet and make the card from the baby too, and I think good intentions outweigh small mistakes. I talk about this because I notice there are times when I focus on the one bad thing thing about the situation and miss the bigger positive picture. Someone one will tell me something and I just focus on that one part that really urks me competely ignoring the whole comment is positive. I guess I'm not the only one.

I'm addicted to fruit bars. I have been doing so well with running each day and eating well, but those ice cream fruit bars (strawberry) are doing me in.

I really don't have a lot to say. I haven't had a lot of thoughts recently. Something does feel like it is missing though. This week I'm doubling up on classes again so that I'll have a break after 3 all day classes the following week. At the night session Claudia forgot her book, so her and Hector left an hour early. I stayed to take notes. After class I met a girl from DC. She went to American and is waiving into DC, but had to come to Austin to take the Texas bar. My guess is that she is from Texas since she was nice and she told me that there was another American Law student there too.

goodnight

Side Effects

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy (Married with Children)

On Wednesday I took secured transactions. Man some of these topics I haven't taken are going to be tough. After class I had lunch with Hector and Claudia. We went to a cajun place but the food wasn't too great. It was a pretty normal day.


After, I had a doctor's appointment. It went ok, but I pretty much got sent to a lot of other doctors (well a list of where I need to go) so getting a clear picture is going to take some time. Too bad my insurance is running out. I had to get medical tests done, so I just picked a place on a list he gave me and drove over. All they did was take my blood and a sample. I hate getting blood taken. I sat down, told the nurse to just please ignore me and I closed my eyes like I was on a rollercoaster as she took out a huge vial of blood. I could hardly stand to look at it. The idea bothers me more than the pain. They told me if I passed out they had some smelling salt or something that would wake me up. I've never fainted, so that didn't worry me, the needle in my vein that I didn't like. But I faced my fear and got it done instead of putting it off. I have two more appointments to set up and one will be a sleep study. How cool is that? I get to sleep at this clinic and people watch me. I've been told I snore, so we are going to find out how well I sleep. My appointment isn't until next week.

I was at walmart (really I go too much) getting some medication and there was a woman in front of me. Actually it was a younger girl, probably 25 or so. Her husband was sitting on a nearby bench holding their 1 year old child. Usually I just hope the children don't scream or I just ignore them. What I noticed was that the mom couldn't stop looking at her baby. I had trouble at first wondering if it was that she didn't trust her husband sitting there playing with her daughter, but I don't think that was it. She wasn't talking to the baby, but they were making eye contact. It was like she hated to be away from her child. Maybe it is because I don't understand the idea of kids, but it was just so clear she was still excited after all this time. I've seen mothers have their kids in a cart or baby thing pushing through the store and you can see their minds running with worry as they try to rush and get what they need, the baby more in tow than being adored like this one was. Maybe I had seen that so much that this seemed unusual to me. I do need to note I have seen a lot of the fake happy shit and that yeah, it's annoying, but this wasn't for other people's judgment

I have started a star system on my calendar. Different color stars mean different things including studying and running, so hopefully I'll cover my calendar in many many stars.

Thursday was an important day for me. It was the first day I was able to run in the morning before class. I had not been able to do it. Now let's see if I can do it again. Class was lonely because Hector and Claudia were at home sleeping while I was in class since they had gone to an evening session Monday. I knew it would be important for me to go, but I did work it out to have my Friday off. It might be bar time, but 3 day weekends are still much liked. My plan was to go home during the 3 day weekends, but I'll stay around here.

Thursday night Oscar put together a poker night. We had 5 players total and it was a 20 dollar buy in. I won $15, which is really good, but nothing close to what I was clearing in DC. It was a fun night though, we watched the game, had some good conversation and played cards.

it is 11pm and there are no missed calls

Evidence

"Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along." - Napoleon Hill

On Sunday night there was a big storm. The rain was falling hard, but I just assumed it was a normal thunderstorm. The cats got scared and hid. Then Oscar's sister called and said she saw a tornado. Soon after, the power went out. We tried to find the part of the house we thought was the most safe just in case. The power was out for hours and it started to get really hot. It was time for bed but the power came on just before I felt asleep.

I turned my computer on before I went to bed and it would not boot up. That scared the hell out of me because I did not have it backed up. Usually Marty would obsess about the problem and stay up until it was solved. Instead I chose to relax, not worry about it and just have faith that things would be ok. I'm proud of myself.

Monday morning was the same routine of waking up mad early and driving 45 mins to class. After class I headed to best buy to pick up an external hard drive to hopefully back up my files. I then started to back up all my files while I studied. I don't know if I'll be able to get my computer working again. I have years of files on it, and then I think, is there really anything that is indispensable on there and my first impression is that no there isn't, I mean what if I wasn't alive tomorrow, would it really matter what was on my computer. Then I think about all my records and pictures and documents/work and I start to stress again. I need to name my external drive, I've used koki and mia, so I wonder what name I should use for my external backup. Maybe Tari. I hate having computer problems.

I was watching CNN and I saw this story about a man who was in a 19 year coma who just woke up. The entire time his wife stood by him and had faith he would wake up. Now that is real love, that is the type of thing I'm looking for. Not that I want to fall into a coma, but I'm sure most people would leave. Or maybe it is just easier to love a person who can't upset you. I feel like it is something I would do, but finding a person that would care for you that much is rare, but worth looking for. It remains me of the theme of Cold Mountain. I think I think too much about people proving their love through actions, but isn't that the only way you can tell? Seeing a person take concerete action towards making a relationship stronger is better than all the promises people make. In the same vein, I finally got to see the season finale of House. It was a story about a young man who crossed the ocean from Cuba to help save his wife. I really enjoyed it, but i have no clue about what is going to happen next season. I like the issue dicussing change. http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/06/02/polish.coma.reut/

On Tuesday, I did a double day of class. At 9am and 6pm. I wanted to have Friday off. That is 7 hours of lecture...though I do admit I did not follow secured transactions as well as I should have considering I did not take the class. I told someone I was taking cattle law as a joke, but secured transactions actually had a lot of law reguarding livestock, which made me laugh. It was a funny conincidence. Class ended at 9:30pm and the drive home was long and dark. Now I'll go to bed and in the morning be back in class.

It's a bit late, but Thank you CBS for renewing How I met your mother. I found that show on my own and it is one of my favoriates. http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/05/thank_you_cbs.html?imw=Y

it's tuesday - no it's monday - i didn't feel like waiting

Lockhart

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."-Epictetus

Class was hard for me on Thursday morning. I hadn't gotten much sleep. I got there late so I didn't get to go and try sitting with Hector and Claudia. I did talk to them during breaks, which was cool. I'm really glad I got to meet them. I joined them for lunch after class. On the drive over, I noticed I was in a parking lot near Wendy's that I had been at last summer late at night. Funny how even unfamiliar surroundings still bring back memories. I need to buy a map of Austin and start learning where everything is, or you know, the places I need and want to go to.

I am really stressed I think. I wish I was better at dealing with it. Some people are so cool under pressure, but me, no it eats me up inside. I go beyond taking a bit of it for motivation and it really affects me. There are things that destress me, but you can't always count on external factors to deal with an internal issue. I'm just scared of this test and more so scared of what is next for me in so many facets of my life. I don't want to go down the wrong path and I feel like I am at that crossroad. It comes down to what I want and not having a clear picture of that.

On Thursday I woke up not having slept well. I just had a really hard day on Wednesday. I don't know how to explain. I went to bed late throwing off my routine of going to bed really early. I had been feeding my cats with an autofeeder, but the food ran out and I decided to start feeding them normally so that I could watch their weight. The problem is that their food is downstairs. So Mia make things worse by getting on top of me and smothering me until I got up. I needed that sleep. When I finally got going, I figured it would be easier to shower, dress and when I go downstairs I'd feed the cats. Well they were not happy with that idea and my entire time I had to hear them meowing at me probably waking the whole house up. It was annoying enough to almost make that trip down the long stairway worth it. They are good at what they do.

I sat with Hector and Claudia in the back on Friday, which didn't feel much different from the front because there was a speaker near us. It was nice having someone to ask for the blank you just missed. After class, they invited me to lunch and I was happy to go again. This time it was in a town 30 MILES away. My only thought was, man this food better be good...well, the place lived up to the trip. It was a BBQ place called Smittys. Here is some info on the place. "Nina Schmidt Sells established Smitty's Market in 1999 in the building that housed her father's Kreuz Market for more than 50 years. The market sits in the same location where barbecue has been sold in Lockhart since the turn of the last century. According to Texas Monthly Magazine, Smitty's may be the best barbecue in Texas and by their count at least in the top five barbecue restaurants in the state." I got to meet some of their friends while I was there. They were some really nice genuine people. I wasn't too talkative since the food was so good. I tired not to eat too much, but I had an entire avocado with my brisket. I didn't even think I liked brisket. On the trip home, I went through back roads and it was a sight and somewhat relaxing. It had been a while since I had been on a dirt road. I also thought about my Oil and Gas class and if people owned both surface and minerals rights.

There are many ways I have changed in the last year. It is hard to put into words, so I decided to think about it. There are small things, like now I make my bed more, I close caps on stuff, I listen more. I trust other people more than I used to and don't get as bothered when their decisions don't match up to my expectations. I still have a long way to go on that one I admit. I might think that a person should relieve my concerns for whatever reason and just learned to trust that they would do what they thought was best. I see things differently too, I feel that sometimes you have to have patience for things you want but to never give up on going after it. Patience might now always pay off, but impulse seems to bring more regret. I used to think that everything was a problem that can and needs to be solved. That if someone is upset, you find out why and find out what you can do to not only fix it now, but to make sure it won't happen again. The truth is that some problems are just stupid and dwelling on them just makes them worse. Why not just let them pass and wait to focus your energy on real problems.

I argue a lot with my friend Angie over my views of what I'm looking for in a person and later we a disagreement over whether I really was offended when she would talk about things I just didn't think girls should talk about. She said I was just pretending to be prudish and that it was an act. I tried to explain since I'm an explainer. She of course quickly called me on my double standard, which I do have to admit in this case. I don't know, I just don't like it when girls are crude or offensive, you know cussing and saying inappropriate things. It is sexist because I'm ok when guys are that way, but I just hold girls to a higher standard. It is like I have this idea of what they should be like in my head and by them saying offensive guy like things it just ruins my perception. It is totally unfair I understand, but if something is inappropriate for two people and one does it, it doesn't make it right for the other person. It is a matter of degree too, I mean a lot versus sometimes makes a big difference. Angie's example was that I liked Sarah Silverman, but the truth is that even though I liked her comedy show, there are times when it just isn't funny for me. I also don't like the git-er-done guy or his comedy for the same crude reasons, but many he just sucks. Now Chappell and others can be inappropriate, but I think they are great. I think I am confusing myself now. I don't think people should have to be nice, but I like nice people more than rude people. So, maybe this is just a preference I have too, not a way I think people should be. I'd rather hang out with a girl who though confident and sure of herself doesn't have to talk in a way that to me seem trashy. Someone is pissed off about something, yeah cussing is fine, a comment here or there cool. I do admit that this standard gets much worse for girls that I am interested in than in friends, but I'm mainly talking about friends. Someone once told me that they talk to their parents that way, I mean it works for them, but man it just doesn't feel right to me.

On Saturday I had a morning class. Instead of feeling like I had class on a weekend, it just felt like another day of class. There was no traffic so I arrived to class much earlier than I am used to. Nothing too exciting happened, I learned about traffic stops which I found really interesting. Oscar is out of town and this weekend should be more of the same.

I've been in a reflective mood. There was a girl who I dated in dc for a while who came to mind. She played an important, but as she pointed out, not privotal role in my returning back to place were I emotionally just needed to get away from. I try to understand why we didn't get along the way I had hoped. I used to always say that I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'll know it when I see it and it will be much different than I expected. She fit this bill as far as not falling into any preconceptions of what I was looking for. She could be outright rude and indifferent from the get go, well that is how it seemed from my side. Not that she was a bad person, but her emotions came first especially compared to someone she barley knew at the time. My first reaction was negative and it started to push past the interest. Then as I got to know her later on, and got past the defenses, I found out that there was so much more to her and we much later started dating as my way of finding out more. It was easier to get to know her while I was away and I think there were many reasons for that. Later when I moved back, it is when we started to date. Again I point out, she could be sweet and kind and loving, but these moments seemed too scarce for me and my complaining only led to less of what I was looking for. Instead I think she was more focused on who she was as a person and what she wanted out of life. My view was that it couldn't be true love because it lacked all those things I just assumed came with a relationship, the public mushiness, the things that whey you see couples that way it is just annoying, the random declarations of love, the openness. Again, there were moments, but my expectations were so unrealistic and honestly I'm not even sure if it was what I wanted. So I had this expectation of who I wanted her to be, to share more kind things, to consider my feelings and how I am and they just pushed her more away. I didn't like who I was when I'm the one asking for emotion and I'm the guy who should be the closed off one. Then there was the trust issue. I didn't trust her, which is ironic because she is such a trustworthy person, but I didn't trust she truly cared about me. I've had my trust broken in my life, but in this case I think it was more subtle, it was just that she didn't want to give up being completely independent and compromise as far as who she would talk to. So of course she just kept things from me and then I would come into information I was unhappy with...not relationship ending cheating or anything like that, just things I didn't like or want. How can you trust a person who wants to hide things from you, things that do affect your relationship. In my college relationship initally I had that problem, I was very private and explained how I valued privacy and it bothered my then girlfriend very much. The truth was that I had one foot in and one foot out at the and I was unsure about the relationship and hence didn't want to disturb what I had. Seeing someone act this was towards me lead me to the irrational conclusion that they must feel the same way. After talking about it in college, and as I fell in love, things changed, everything was shared and it made it easier to have trust. So back to dc...my trust issues and her having to put up with a guy trying to pry what is going on with her from her did not end well. The thing is I could of been different, acted in a way that made things work, but I was willing to risk losing everything to make sure I didn't lose myself and what I wanted. There are things that are important to me, and they are not worth giving up to help a relationship...but things add up and there is point where even I have to compromise. What it comes down to is my interpretation of events and in other relationships without these characteristics, things ended up the same way as far as trust and my never truly believing the other person is really devotated to the relationship.

So the real question is where do I go from here? What do I learn and change or do I just keep trying to understand a past that only exists in my memory now. All I can change is myself. I know that the happier I am with myself the happier I am in the relationship. I know that I hate it when people are constantly mad at me and I feel like I'm defending myself for trivial issues. Maybe I should just change how I view relationships and what I want out of them. Maybe just accept the good parts and know you can't control what other people do and feel and if they choose to tell you. So yeah it sucks when you are hit by a train when you find out you were the sucker, but maybe it is just better to enjoy the present even if one day you find out that you were the only one who really wanted it. Sure beats looking over your shoulder. Maybe it is time to look for something different.

indifference is maybe what I want