Lockhart

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."-Epictetus

Class was hard for me on Thursday morning. I hadn't gotten much sleep. I got there late so I didn't get to go and try sitting with Hector and Claudia. I did talk to them during breaks, which was cool. I'm really glad I got to meet them. I joined them for lunch after class. On the drive over, I noticed I was in a parking lot near Wendy's that I had been at last summer late at night. Funny how even unfamiliar surroundings still bring back memories. I need to buy a map of Austin and start learning where everything is, or you know, the places I need and want to go to.

I am really stressed I think. I wish I was better at dealing with it. Some people are so cool under pressure, but me, no it eats me up inside. I go beyond taking a bit of it for motivation and it really affects me. There are things that destress me, but you can't always count on external factors to deal with an internal issue. I'm just scared of this test and more so scared of what is next for me in so many facets of my life. I don't want to go down the wrong path and I feel like I am at that crossroad. It comes down to what I want and not having a clear picture of that.

On Thursday I woke up not having slept well. I just had a really hard day on Wednesday. I don't know how to explain. I went to bed late throwing off my routine of going to bed really early. I had been feeding my cats with an autofeeder, but the food ran out and I decided to start feeding them normally so that I could watch their weight. The problem is that their food is downstairs. So Mia make things worse by getting on top of me and smothering me until I got up. I needed that sleep. When I finally got going, I figured it would be easier to shower, dress and when I go downstairs I'd feed the cats. Well they were not happy with that idea and my entire time I had to hear them meowing at me probably waking the whole house up. It was annoying enough to almost make that trip down the long stairway worth it. They are good at what they do.

I sat with Hector and Claudia in the back on Friday, which didn't feel much different from the front because there was a speaker near us. It was nice having someone to ask for the blank you just missed. After class, they invited me to lunch and I was happy to go again. This time it was in a town 30 MILES away. My only thought was, man this food better be good...well, the place lived up to the trip. It was a BBQ place called Smittys. Here is some info on the place. "Nina Schmidt Sells established Smitty's Market in 1999 in the building that housed her father's Kreuz Market for more than 50 years. The market sits in the same location where barbecue has been sold in Lockhart since the turn of the last century. According to Texas Monthly Magazine, Smitty's may be the best barbecue in Texas and by their count at least in the top five barbecue restaurants in the state." I got to meet some of their friends while I was there. They were some really nice genuine people. I wasn't too talkative since the food was so good. I tired not to eat too much, but I had an entire avocado with my brisket. I didn't even think I liked brisket. On the trip home, I went through back roads and it was a sight and somewhat relaxing. It had been a while since I had been on a dirt road. I also thought about my Oil and Gas class and if people owned both surface and minerals rights.

There are many ways I have changed in the last year. It is hard to put into words, so I decided to think about it. There are small things, like now I make my bed more, I close caps on stuff, I listen more. I trust other people more than I used to and don't get as bothered when their decisions don't match up to my expectations. I still have a long way to go on that one I admit. I might think that a person should relieve my concerns for whatever reason and just learned to trust that they would do what they thought was best. I see things differently too, I feel that sometimes you have to have patience for things you want but to never give up on going after it. Patience might now always pay off, but impulse seems to bring more regret. I used to think that everything was a problem that can and needs to be solved. That if someone is upset, you find out why and find out what you can do to not only fix it now, but to make sure it won't happen again. The truth is that some problems are just stupid and dwelling on them just makes them worse. Why not just let them pass and wait to focus your energy on real problems.

I argue a lot with my friend Angie over my views of what I'm looking for in a person and later we a disagreement over whether I really was offended when she would talk about things I just didn't think girls should talk about. She said I was just pretending to be prudish and that it was an act. I tried to explain since I'm an explainer. She of course quickly called me on my double standard, which I do have to admit in this case. I don't know, I just don't like it when girls are crude or offensive, you know cussing and saying inappropriate things. It is sexist because I'm ok when guys are that way, but I just hold girls to a higher standard. It is like I have this idea of what they should be like in my head and by them saying offensive guy like things it just ruins my perception. It is totally unfair I understand, but if something is inappropriate for two people and one does it, it doesn't make it right for the other person. It is a matter of degree too, I mean a lot versus sometimes makes a big difference. Angie's example was that I liked Sarah Silverman, but the truth is that even though I liked her comedy show, there are times when it just isn't funny for me. I also don't like the git-er-done guy or his comedy for the same crude reasons, but many he just sucks. Now Chappell and others can be inappropriate, but I think they are great. I think I am confusing myself now. I don't think people should have to be nice, but I like nice people more than rude people. So, maybe this is just a preference I have too, not a way I think people should be. I'd rather hang out with a girl who though confident and sure of herself doesn't have to talk in a way that to me seem trashy. Someone is pissed off about something, yeah cussing is fine, a comment here or there cool. I do admit that this standard gets much worse for girls that I am interested in than in friends, but I'm mainly talking about friends. Someone once told me that they talk to their parents that way, I mean it works for them, but man it just doesn't feel right to me.

On Saturday I had a morning class. Instead of feeling like I had class on a weekend, it just felt like another day of class. There was no traffic so I arrived to class much earlier than I am used to. Nothing too exciting happened, I learned about traffic stops which I found really interesting. Oscar is out of town and this weekend should be more of the same.

I've been in a reflective mood. There was a girl who I dated in dc for a while who came to mind. She played an important, but as she pointed out, not privotal role in my returning back to place were I emotionally just needed to get away from. I try to understand why we didn't get along the way I had hoped. I used to always say that I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'll know it when I see it and it will be much different than I expected. She fit this bill as far as not falling into any preconceptions of what I was looking for. She could be outright rude and indifferent from the get go, well that is how it seemed from my side. Not that she was a bad person, but her emotions came first especially compared to someone she barley knew at the time. My first reaction was negative and it started to push past the interest. Then as I got to know her later on, and got past the defenses, I found out that there was so much more to her and we much later started dating as my way of finding out more. It was easier to get to know her while I was away and I think there were many reasons for that. Later when I moved back, it is when we started to date. Again I point out, she could be sweet and kind and loving, but these moments seemed too scarce for me and my complaining only led to less of what I was looking for. Instead I think she was more focused on who she was as a person and what she wanted out of life. My view was that it couldn't be true love because it lacked all those things I just assumed came with a relationship, the public mushiness, the things that whey you see couples that way it is just annoying, the random declarations of love, the openness. Again, there were moments, but my expectations were so unrealistic and honestly I'm not even sure if it was what I wanted. So I had this expectation of who I wanted her to be, to share more kind things, to consider my feelings and how I am and they just pushed her more away. I didn't like who I was when I'm the one asking for emotion and I'm the guy who should be the closed off one. Then there was the trust issue. I didn't trust her, which is ironic because she is such a trustworthy person, but I didn't trust she truly cared about me. I've had my trust broken in my life, but in this case I think it was more subtle, it was just that she didn't want to give up being completely independent and compromise as far as who she would talk to. So of course she just kept things from me and then I would come into information I was unhappy with...not relationship ending cheating or anything like that, just things I didn't like or want. How can you trust a person who wants to hide things from you, things that do affect your relationship. In my college relationship initally I had that problem, I was very private and explained how I valued privacy and it bothered my then girlfriend very much. The truth was that I had one foot in and one foot out at the and I was unsure about the relationship and hence didn't want to disturb what I had. Seeing someone act this was towards me lead me to the irrational conclusion that they must feel the same way. After talking about it in college, and as I fell in love, things changed, everything was shared and it made it easier to have trust. So back to dc...my trust issues and her having to put up with a guy trying to pry what is going on with her from her did not end well. The thing is I could of been different, acted in a way that made things work, but I was willing to risk losing everything to make sure I didn't lose myself and what I wanted. There are things that are important to me, and they are not worth giving up to help a relationship...but things add up and there is point where even I have to compromise. What it comes down to is my interpretation of events and in other relationships without these characteristics, things ended up the same way as far as trust and my never truly believing the other person is really devotated to the relationship.

So the real question is where do I go from here? What do I learn and change or do I just keep trying to understand a past that only exists in my memory now. All I can change is myself. I know that the happier I am with myself the happier I am in the relationship. I know that I hate it when people are constantly mad at me and I feel like I'm defending myself for trivial issues. Maybe I should just change how I view relationships and what I want out of them. Maybe just accept the good parts and know you can't control what other people do and feel and if they choose to tell you. So yeah it sucks when you are hit by a train when you find out you were the sucker, but maybe it is just better to enjoy the present even if one day you find out that you were the only one who really wanted it. Sure beats looking over your shoulder. Maybe it is time to look for something different.

indifference is maybe what I want