"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep." -Dale Carnegie
On Tuesday night I had a sleep study done. I did not know what to expect, but know that I wanted to make sure I got my sleep situation worked out. I showed up not quite sure how I should be dressed. The place was nice, but still had more of a doctor's office feel than a hotel room feel. I waited for a while in my room not knowing what to expect. First thing I noticed was all the pillows. Man, there were two normal pillows, two fancy ones on top of that, then square ones and a small square one...I think they are called throw pillows. It looked nice and all, but totally over the top. I mean, how can one or two people use that many pillows. I'll just never get pillows. The top ones were too nice to use anyway I think. But I digress. So finally the nurse lady came in and told me they would show me a video on what was going to happen. It wasn't the greatest quality, but it let me know what to expect. It was weird since I was spending so much money part of me wanted to know what was wrong, but the other part wanted me to be normal so I can just cancel that cause off my list. I was assuming there were be a few wires and such, but man I was wrong. I sat down and for 20-30 mins the lady started putting electrode after electrode on me. It makes you really aware of your body. From my legs to the top of my head. Then came this tube they put on my nose and in my mouth to check for breathing. Once I was all wired up, all I could think was that I wanted a picture, just because I don't think anyone could really understand without seeing it.
I was really glad I had gone to the restroom before hand. I then took a sleeping pill (my choice) and laid down. I told the lady that I sleep on my stomach and she said I couldn't, but that I could sleep on my side. I was worried it would make it harder to fall asleep. We then tested all the wires by me moving my arms and legs and eyes all about on her command. It felt weird knowing there was a camera watching me and this voice coming out of the wall. Then it was time for bed. The room was really dark and I was left there with just my thoughts. That is probably the largest part of my insomnia. I tossed and turned for a bit very aware of the wires...oh I had a pulse thing on my ring finger as well. I was sure that would come off at night, but it didn't. Then before I knew it, the medicine kicked in and it was 6am in a flash. I sat down and had everything removed. She told me I snored a bit, but it wasn't too bad, but that it would take a few weeks to get my results. She said her guess it would at worst just be mild. I hope they are very detailed in the report I get. I drove back home 30mins and instead of going to class, fell asleep. I don't know how to explain it, but I spent the entire day in bed, something I haven't done in a while.
Thursday morning I started my regular schedule and went to my 2nd day of class and after a doctor's appointment, went to the library to study with Hector and Claudia. I also got the notes I missed the day before. I think I should go there more, but St. Eds is so far away.
Friday was the simulated MBE. 3 hours in the morning and 3 in the afternoon. It kicked my ass, but I enjoyed every moment of it because I know that it will give me a better idea of how screwed I am. I recognized the topics most of the time, but had no clue the answer since I didn't have the rule memorized or learned. Now on Saturday and Sunday I'll be going to class from 9-5pm going over that test. That is going to be long, but it is important. I hope it helps me learn how to be a better test taker. I was able to finish early due to not knowing answers and just guessing and moving on. If this were only the test for the bar I'd be scared, but there is TWO more days of essays I need to learn for as well. Let's see how all this translates.
I haven't been able to shake the down, lonely and stressed feeling I've had since graduation. It isn't really the test, more so my finances, lack of a job/job search (or lack there of) and more finances (I think this might be my month to go below water). I wish I could get a handle on things emotionally. I know how not to care, but I don't feel not caring makes things better in reality. It just pretends things are not happening. I like to make things better, to fix things, to work toward my happiness. To make things right and just. Then I get down on myself, I mean shit, I just had this outpouring of love and congratulations from my family and friends last weekend, yet I can't let that lift me up longer, I'm not dealing with a life threatening cancer like one of my friends, I'm not worrying about getting married and what that means in my life, I have so many things, but not peace of mind it seems. It sounds so weak saying this type of shit, and I don't like who I am when I do. These are just moments though, moments when I feel like I don't have control. At other times I feel normal, even great at times, but I'll never complain about that. If I pass the bar I think I'm just going to move to Mexico and get away from it all for like a year. I don't even know what I'm running away from.
I recommend watching Sicko. It is very good and since I'm not going to have health insurance soon, it talked about issues that I am worried about. I have the Nader documentary coming in the mail soon, so hopefully I'll like that.
that was it, no more
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