Off Label

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking

Thursday night was an experience I hope not to forget. To continue on my insomnia saga, my doctor gave me a new medicine to try out since the standard ones where not cutting it. It was off label use I think, but I was excited about trying something new. So Thursday night I took the new medication hoping it would help me get some regular sleep. Well 10 minutes later it kicked in and hard, but it made me feel drunk like. I couldn't walk, I was dizzy and my head started to hurt. I also felt tired, but it was a very different feeling from a normal sleeping pill. The real problem came when I couldn't get to sleep and instead was just left with side effects. I ended up staying awake for hours feeling terrible and trying to eat and drink a lot to clean it out of my system. Finally I ended up taking a normal sleeping pill which ended up knocking me out for the entire day of Friday (not good for my productivity). This experience taught me a lot, taught me that the solution to my problems are not in pill form, but are instead in lifestyle and mental outlook changes. (note: apply to diet pills people.) I just need to suck it up and wake up early even if I'd rather sleep, run daily and at least try to eat better food when I can. I almost feel like I was being punished last night for trying to get away without fully making these changes. Here is wishing for better dreams.



On Friday night I was ended up watching 5 mins of 13 Going On 30. It actually kept my attention and 25 mins later there I was still watching. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but it was good and I enjoyed it. Maybe because I was a huge fan of Big and Vice Versa and the song Jessie's Girl. Maybe my blog is becoming too much of a confessional and there are things like this I should keep to myself. Here is my favorite quote from the movie, Matt: "You don't always get the dream house, but sometimes you get pretty close, you know?"

I thought about going out on Friday night, but my head was still killing me so I just stayed in. I have plans for Saturday so maybe it is better that I rest up for that.

Sometimes you get a random email you were not expecting that kind of blindsides you. You have a million things you would like to say, but instead you just make a short reply since I'm incapable of ignoring people. There is nothing that can be said that hasn't been said. Here is to respecting myself and it follows my theme all about protecting myself right now.


I sent my college ring to get re-sized. There are a few things I view as the feather in Dumbos cap, and second to my black cap, my college ring is one of them. For years it has been too tight so I haven't worn it. I finally sent it in to get re-sized and it came in today. The reason I am so sad is that I sent it in a leather ring case that came with the ring and it came back in a normal black engagement ring box type and my kick ass box was no where to be seen. This seems to petty, but I want my box back and will probably call in on Tuesday to see if I can do anything to get it back. Had I only known I would of just send the ring wrapped up.



Saturday is the first game of the season for UT. My sister Ana was going to come up, but now she is planning to come up next week. I don't know if the game will be on tv, but I think I will be a big UT fan this year.

Routine is excitement spread thin

Rehab

"They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no.
Yes I've been black and when I come back, you'll know know know.
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine.
He's tried to make me go to rehab I won’t go, go, go. " - Amy Winehouse

Ericka introduced me to Amy Winehouse and I don't really know any of her songs except the above quoted one, but it is catchy I think. She is one of her favorite artists. I've seen her in the news lately, I guess there is no such thing as bad press because I like the song now.



I think I'm going to have to become music literate now that I want to live in Austin. Maybe enough to fake it you know, like know one or two local bands, then two big current bands and just keep using them as my examples. I'm still trying to get current on what was cool in 2001.


Thursday I had a doctor's appointment. I'm always proud how I get there exactly 5 mins beforehand. I feel like I know they are going to make me wait anyway, so why increase my wait for being there early, but if I'm late, when then I almost feel like they have a right to keep me waiting. The insomnia thing is still a problem, but maybe it is just mental and I should focus on lifestyle changes. My housemate Danny can go out and come in at 2am and still be up at 6am for work and still run and go out that night. I was never young like that. The not having insurance thing does suck but I trust Michael Moore will help fix my problem. I mean he was able to get GM to stop moving factories to China, and got rid of guns, and helped us get out of a terrible war of choice....ok, well then maybe I hope to find a job where I'll just get screwed less by the system then.



I wrote MSNBC yesterday. I don't send viewer email, I always thought that was the kind of thing you do if you are old and want to complain about everything. They bring on this young veteran named Jon Soltz from Votevets.org to argue with the neocons and I'm always amazed at how well he frames his arguments and not only agree with the points he makes, but how he makes them. So, since I have seen him on a few times I just decided to write in and tell them that I commended their guest choice.

Pickles, yes this is another thing I think about. So I grew up loving those big dill pickles you would buy at a convenient store or movie theater and though they may be bad for me (but I'll pretend they are not) I eat them. So I'm not talking about the dill pickles you buy at the store that are small or sliced for sandwiches. Here is the question, so I refrigerate normal pickles without even thinking about it and have no reason not to. But this huge 5 gallon jar I bought today is way too big for the fridge. It says refrigerate after opening on the jar, but I remember them being out at room temperature all day. So I don't know what I am to do. The question is do you have to refrigerate large dill pickles? I've read up a bit on it and it seems pickling was a way of preserving food pre-fridges, so one might think no...but I read comments saying that the process is different now. How about peanut butter and jelly? I still put jelly in the fridge, but peanut butter I keep out, is that ok? I should know more about this type of stuff.

Mia is starting to transition into becomeing an indoor/outdoor cat. Koki is not a fan of the outdoors and I'm completely ok with that. Mia can only go to the backyard through the doggy door, but she doesn't remember she can do it on her own and I let her out a few times a day. During the day she knows how to get back in, but at night she will stay out there for hours. I wasn't worried she would jump the fence because she is still fat and I know she wouldn't be able to get far. Plus she has a collar with her name and my phone number. Then it hit me, I changed my number, so that number doesn't work. That means I need to get them new collar tags...maybe even some new collars rather than these old worn out fear collars that are no longer effective. Hopefully I'll find a store that has an engraving machine.

Mocha and Magic Party

A Gift

"Regard illness as a gift, it can be such a powerful stimulus to change, perhaps the only thing that can force some people to resolve their deepest conflicts, successful patients often come to regard it as the greatest opportunity they have ever had for personal growth and development-truly a gift." - Dr. Andrew Weil. (Today's quote brought to you by Maria M.)

I got a comment on my blog, two even! That really made my day. It just cheers me up to know that when I write a long story about my adventures in adulthood that someone else might actually be reading it. That is the vain part of me, the other part of me that likes to talk knows that I'd still do it even if no one visited. My news links do kick ass though and I want to re-recommend them. It is like I pick the coolest "did you know" news and put it right along side my blog.





I had a discussion a while back with my sister Ana about hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. Maybe because when I was little it was such a rare luxury to ever get to stay in one. I really do have trouble thinking of times I did stay in one, but I know it was La Quinta. So even now, I just like the idea of staying in a place that isn't mine and has cable. (I used to not have cable growing up.) I don't even have high standards, but I remembered how much I loved getting breakfast when I would go on business trips, or waking up to hot vegas sun shining in the window knowing that only fun was awaiting. Even the crashing after a long day at a theme park or the beach. The novelty has not worn off for me yet.






There are certain things I have to accept and one of them is how much fear motivates me. Well that might not be the right use of the word, maybe it is paralyzes me and keeps me from finding the motivation that I want. It affects so many of my decisions and non-decisions I make each minute, hour and day. The worst part is I don't even notice or realize it unless I take this kind of time to really take inventory of my thoughts and feelings. It has to be the fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of doing something that will lead to unhappiness. I know the whole, if you focus on things you don't want instead of things you do want then you never get anywhere but things you don't want. It is hard for me to think of things I want as opposed to what I don't want because I know SO SO much about what I don't want.


I'm starting really apply for a lot more jobs, so fear not. Wednesday I went out to happy hour with Danny and Oscar. We met up with a lot of Danny's co-workers. Maybe this is a luxury I should put off for later, but I do like this part of the day.

once you cross the line it ceases to exist

Austin

“The real question for Republicans in Washington is how low can you go, because we are approaching a level of ridiculousness,” said Mr. Reed, sounding exasperated in an interview on Tuesday morning. “You can’t make this stuff up. And the impact this is having on the grass-roots around the country is devastating. Republicans think the governing class in Washington are a bunch of buffoons who have total disregard for the principles of the party, the law of the land and the future of the country.” - Scott Reed - NYTimes 8/29/07

I don't have a lot to say about the Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) situation, but it just another example of the hypocrisy of republicans. They took our country, our values and our laws and people still support them because they know how to manipulate the word of the Lord to suit their own selfish needs. I'm still more offended by the War and the tax cuts and deregulation for the rich. I do think there are good misguided republicans out there, but they are not the ones running the show and oh yeah, they still have that misguided problem. I'm glad to be back in Texas where I can see this in person.

I'm starting to do some research on Austin City Limits which is coming up next month. Everyone I know is going it seems. It is a 3 day long music festival. I was hoping to go, but heard that the 3 day tickets are sold out and there are only tickets for Friday and Sunday left. The one day I want to go is on Saturday. Mainly because Damien Rice and Muse will be playing on that day. Muse is the favorite band of a person I really care about and Damien Rice another. I don't think I could go for 3 days, but one day I think I could do, maybe even two. I wasn't aware of how much tickets cost, man, it was a lot more than I had thought. I hope it all works out and I'll get to go, but we still got some time.

Rick has been my friend since we were in the 2nd grade. He is one of those people I respect and look up to. When I was away from Texas and Rick lived in Austin, he told me about this city that had great bars, restaurants and was the live music capital of the world. I always thought, man that Austin would be a great place to live. So one day I picked up and moved here. The Mecca he spoke of was so true and I think this is a great place for me if only I could start to get some roots down. You know moving from self employment status and hopefully one day getting a condo. Maybe this is a good place to start over or at least get away for a while. I do have a feeling I won't be here long and that is why I'm trying to get the most out of the time I have here. As long as I can get past the month of October, then I think I'll have a handle on things.

I'm a big fan of the notion that how you approach things really affects the quality of your life. If you like to bitch and complain (oops sounds like my blog at times), then your life is filled with disappointment and annoyance. When a waiter takes forever to get your check, you know it just doesn't bother me. If I need to be somewhere then I'll take action, if not, I just try to go with the flow and pick my battles. I rarely complain about a place because of the service, I mean if it is a true problem I'll stop going. If they get my order wrong at a fast food place, well I'll just make sure to check the next time. I try to spread this message to my friends around me, mainly because I'm trying to teach it to myself and in doing so I've learned to enjoy situations that would otherwise be very frustrating (ie traffic, lines, etc.)

Imagine having an ipod right in your grasp, yours and thinking of all the music you could fill on its four gigs (though eight would be ideal) and then it is starts to fade away and fills a more important purpose. Just a thought, but it is better to have imagined it actually being yours for a bit and enjoying that excitement than never....no maybe the ipod is better.

It is almost 5am on Wednesday and I'm trying to decide how much sleep I'm going to get tonight. What is it about me and sleep, I mean my sleep study came up clean, so maybe it is psychological, or just bad habits. Maybe my mom is right and I am just lazy. I don't think I'm lazy though, I'm almost sure of it, but to the outside world I don't blame them for thinking that at times. I think I need more guilt free play, wait, that has nothing to do with the topic.

beating the traffic

Fracture

“Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again.” - John Mayer

Saturday I did not make the most of my time considering I didn't go home for the weekend so I could get some important things done. I battled traffic and met Ericka for dinner in the evening. She treated me to a really nice Cuban, maybe Puerto Rican place that had really good food even though I didn't make a great selection. It is a funny 90/10 discussion, but no need to talk about it again. The ride home wasn't good, but very informative to say the least. I think I ask too many questions. Me and my expectations. We hung out and talked and listened to music. Monica arrived later and she told us about the party they went to. We had ice cream and instead of going home I stayed to see a movie. It was good, but I feel like there were some big plot and character tweaks that could of made it so much better. I then came home to battle my insomnia. On the trip home I saw a car that was completely flipped over. How does that happen? Then a guy on a motorcycle with no helmet, really does he want brain damage?

Nobody leaves comments. I know people read, but yet still no comments. Fine I accept that the message board isn't used, but I would think maybe somone would have something to say about what I go on about. I'll even take a, love the quote man, they are always so good, or a here is a quote for you to use. Make me feel better people.

Sunday I still did not wake up early. A friend of mine came over and picked me up to go and see an outdoor concert. That was the plan, but it didn't work out that way. We ended up just having dinner and drinks and calling it a night early. I relaxed at home for a bit and then drove over to north Austin to hang out with Ericka. I ran into traffic and the trip was well over an hour long. We watched 20/20 and then went to pick up a movie. I picked Vacancy because it was a movie I had wanted to see in the theaters but was not able to when it was out. I had heard a good review. We only got part way through the movie before we decided to just watch it another time. Instead we had one of those talks that neither of us wanted to have, but that was important we did. I drove home knowing I made a bad decision, but I do think everything will be ok.

How many times can I talk about it being 6am and I'm still not able to find the sleep I want. I have no trouble finding it during the day it seems. My father called me on Monday and we talked about him getting tested for colon cancer. I know the test is going to suck, but I think it is good for us to know that he is cancer free. I hope he does get heart tests too since heart disease is something I worry about.

I'm doing great on staying away from the news...so great that today when I found out that Gonzo was Gone-zales (gotta love countdown) I felt like wow there was actually some news when I wasn't watching and though I have been waiting for this many months, I found out it was ok that I found out a few hours later.

Sunday was the season finale of Big Love. I'm a big fan of the show now. I was unhappy when the possible 4th wife was written out of the show, or so I thought, and now that they brought her back I was very happy about that. I didn't like her at first. but then she became my favorite character. Now the show is over for the season. I can't wait for the fall season to begin and I can start watching all my other shows.

Monday I got my aunt's manuscript in the mail. I'm going to help convert it to text for her. That either means I am going to retype it or find a way to convert it. I look forward to reading it.

do I feel like myself yet?

Houston

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.
- Swingers (1996)

That is one of my favorite Swingers scenes. That movie is over 10 years old, wow how time flies. So many life lessons. I haven't been to Vegas in a while, I should probably go soon.


I look at my calendar and the month of August is almost gone. All I see is black lines through the days. It feels like just yesterday it was early May and all I could think about was graduation. Then there was a fog and now almost 4 months have past.

Thursday night Ericka and Karina came over to hang out after work. They got here late and we had a few beers and chatted. The night wasn't what I hoped it would be, but I should stop worrying so much about whether other people are enjoying themselves.

Friday, well my plan was to go to the Valley today and visit my family and friends. I decided to put off the trip for another time since I feel like I have a few events coming up soon. I still have to decide if I am going to attend my high school reunion, which also falls on the same weekend as a wedding I was hoping to go to. So I was planning to go out to drink with Danny and later meet up with Rino in San Marcos. Then for a weird reason I felt really tired and just crashed out and stayed home. I guess I saved some money.

advice

Consent

"A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well." - Dan Rather

Today was an important day for me. I wasn't even planing to write, but I got big news today. I won't get into the details, but four years ago after my sister passed away we had an issue about being able to purchase a headstone for her grave. We needed consent from my brother-in-law and due to a complicated development of events, we were never able to get that consent. Today I am thankful that he decided to sign the consent form and let my family move forward and give Vero the respect that is due with a proper monument. This was more about me and my family's coping process I think and the ability to have a monument to visit. I am very happy today and my sister has been more in my thoughts than usual with is something I am also happy for. I miss Vero a lot and can sometimes hear her giving me advice or standing up for me or being proud of me.

I'm not ready yet

Friends from DC

You meet many role models in life, but most don't fit the typical mold. One person I feel I was lucky enough to meet was Dawn Halfaker. I know Dawn from my time in DC. I think I know more about and of Dawn than Dawn herself as a person, but she is a pretty amazing chick. She is going to be featured in an HBO documentary on September 9th. http://www.hbo.com/events/aliveday/index.html It is called Alive Day Memories. Check out this video that previews the show. Just the video alone makes me pretty emotional. I don't know her story really and I look forward to watching it and hearing all the soilders experiences. What I do know about Dawn is that she always seemed to be the example of someone that worked hard and got a lot done. Her resume is amazing and where she gets her motivation and energy I don't know. I'm sure you just have to google her name to find out all kinds of praises. That is because I don't know everything she is involved in, but I remember thinking when I would hear random tidbits of what was going on in her day, man, Dawn gets more done before I wake up (I sleep in a lot) than I tend to get done in a week if that. I had just assumed it was good habits she picked up in college or the military, but then when you hang out with her and you find out she is really cool as shit as well. Even though I feel like I know her, she is a friend of a friend and I've only hung out with her a few times. Mainly I'm writing to say that you should watch this documentary and to say that I am really looking forward to seeing it. Now I'm off to google some articles Dawn has been featured in. Here is one.

"Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding." - Justice Brandeis, Olmstead v. US, 277 US 438 (dissent)

Wednesday was another day enjoying my situation and making progress toward my goals. I helped Abram with his resume and took care of a lot of other important things. I'm starting to see that ticking clock and I know I need to pick up the pace. I guess there isn't much to say on this topic.

I've been feeling really sick lately. I can't get these headaches to stop and it does make getting a lot done, but I'm hoping all this will pass. I wish I was just a normal healthy individual.

memories

Superbad

"Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together." - George Santayana

It is hurricane season. Dean is closing in and we are expecting to get a lot of rain. It won't be too bad here in Austin, but I hope it misses my family at home. [edit: it hit Mexico.] I remember hurricane season in Florida, now that was a lot more scary, but I still see hurricanes as exciting nature events rather than things to worry about. Maybe because I have never had to deal with a Katrina. I hope it doesn't affect my planned trip home this weekend.



I can't sleep and I am here watching a show on show cats at 2am. Really that just can't be good. "Cat's have gotten a bad rap and cat owner's have gotten a bad rap too." That was the last line I heard. It made me laugh, but the people who have lots of cats I still will never think are cool.

I saw Lohan's white ink tattoo and it made me think I that I wanted one. Of course it would have to be brown ink, but I like the idea. I always thought I wasn't a fan of tattoos. We will see I guess.



Monday night I had dinner with Oscar, Danny and his brother Sam at the Texas Roadhouse. Nothing like a good steak and beer to end a long weekend. It is like there is always something to do in Austin and that is with me feeling like I haven't fully developed a social network yet. I am really happy with my decision to be here. Maybe I ran away from everything, but I think I'm doing well.


Tuesday was a day I could be proud of. I cleaned up a lot of loose ends and made some headway in my perfect job search. Perfect modifying "job", not "search." I bought groceries and some items I had been needing. Still not where I want to be yet though.

Ericka got out of work early so we made plans to see Superbad at the Alamo Drafthouse. I had been wanting to see this movie for a long time and each time I try to see it it just seems like it was not meant to be. So this was my third time trying and after getting lost we arrived at the Drafthouse and as the excitement of just making it on time kicked in, we found out the movie was sold out. We would not be stopped though since I was on a mission. We then ventured out to find another drafthouse and after that journey our showing too was sold out almost an hour in advance. We would not be discouraged still and found a mall where it was not sold out, but unfortunately it was not playing at all. We then decided to just watch it at a movie theater by her house and made the trip back. Well the traffic was so bad and after 40 mins in traffic not moving we just gave up and decided it was not meant to be and decided to go home and eat. And just then, as if giving up was the golden key, traffic started to clear and we got to the movie theater. We had time to get tickets, eat dinner and then watch the show I was longing to see.



The long arduous journey and adventure was well worth it. More than worth it if I dare say. Now I don't usually try to review movies I've seen, but oh man, this was one of the funniest movies I have ever watched. It is like they mixed the best parts of all kinds of movies I have loved and I literally could not stop laughing the whole way through. My face hurts so much right now. From beginning to end just pure laughter. It was comic genius and I recommend it to everyone. Really, you have to go out and see it. I'm talking rolling on the floor laughing. This is going to be the movie of a generation, a classic coming of age tale. I'm going to read some reviews on it because I stayed away so that I wouldn't be biased.

I've had a lot of personal thoughts about how the same person that is a relationship whore (serial monogamist) can also be a commitment phobe...a romantic optimist and realistic pessimist at the same time. A person that had had their heart broken and maybe put others through a similar experience. So doesn't it just make sense that I get all those feelings thoughts and ideas together and understood before I expose someone else to what to me just seems like a relationship doomed for failure. Am I just making a huge mistake I'll hold against myself for a long time. It is so much more complicated than these few words, just had to say something that was going on somewhere in my mind. I'm good right now and maybe it isn't something I should mess with.

Then what is the point

Chill Out

"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park

Who is this Marty that keeping going out and being so social? I miss the stay at home curl up with a nice movie or book Marty. I look forward to the working his ass off at his job Marty. Friday night I met up with my new friends and had dinner at Baby As. Ericka, Karina, Monica, Joselo and Oscar all met up with some co-workers and we listened to a live Spanish Pop (rock?) band. The music was good, but I wish I knew the words better. I not not good at listening to spanish lyrics. I had just come off a long night celebrating with Abram (what we were celebrating I really don't know), so I was staying away from the drinking and nursing a headache. Maybe college Marty would of fared better now a days. After dinner we met up at Monica's house. Did I mention they got a new car will built in navigation and a cool camera that lets you see when you are backing up. Karina started to open up more and when she gets talking she is very cool. I'm not saying she isn't cool when she is quiet, but it was hard to get to know her. Maybe I try to size people up too much and quiet people always pose a threat to that. Maybe I am just a conversation sucker and I think there is a lot I can learn from how other people see the world. We all enjoyed spanish music, spanish conversation and later some pool. No matter where I am at, my spanish is always the worst it seems, but on this night their co-worker didn't mind listening to my broken spanish and letting me practice. He was from Mexico but is doing really well for himself in the US. I got home late and learned that sometimes even if you don't drink, if you are tired you still need to worry you might not be driving at your best. I got home safe though. My sleeping patterns are not getting better.

Friday was also a big day for young/little girls around the country including my niece Sarah. I know nothing about this show of High School Musical, but I know it was a big deal to my niece. My sister called me to tell me they were having a big party to watch I guess part 2 on the Disney channel. Here is my link for a good news story. "'High School Musical 2' most-watched cable program ever" http://www.sltrib.com/ci_6659597 Girls all around the country had parties and made records and I still have no clue what HSM is, but feel it is still worth mentioning.

Rick came into town to see some of his law school friends. On Saturday I met up with him and we went over to his friend's house to hang out. It is always great hanging out with lawyers who are my age and are all examples of options or roads I can take in my life. We planned to see Superbad, but the night started off with Guitar Hero. I had never played and the people there were experts in my opinion, but it is a fun and addictive game. I met some really cool people and got to talk Immigration with Ana, Labor with Santiago and played a board game I had never played before which was really fun. Think it is called Apples to Apples. We played poker and I won, which was fun since I play poker. Rick's friend Mamie brought her sister's dog and that was a trip watching it interact with Carol's dogs. I'm thinking about getting a puppy in the next year, just not sure what type (feeling husky, but maybe too big and not a good idea in the hot), indoor or outdoor? and if I am up to the responsibility of dog ownership. Not to mention that I already have two pets.

Sunday I slept in and then an old friend picked me up to see a movie I had been wanting to see and didn't get to see on Saturday. She is more the outdoorsy type, but I really wanted to see Superbad since it had been on my list so there were no exciting adventures. We first went down to San Marcos where I feel like I have been more than I have been to downtown Austin since I have been here. We had a late lunch at River Pub and I learned about what she has been up to. Everyone outside was playing in the lake, which made me think that I didn't really know all the lakes and rivers in this area. Outdoor water activities are a big deal here yet I don't know if I am a big fan yet. I still have a lot to learn. After lunch we checked out a local Tavern where I was excited to find out that the UFC fight next week will be airing. I think I might go by and see it. Later I got an abbreviated tour of the Texas State campus. In Abram's years there I never really saw the campus except during his graduation. It is a really nice campus, but I was not fond of all the hills, maybe because of the walking. When I got home, Oscar and Danny where BBQing. I haven't BBQed in a long time, when I'm more stable I think I'm gonna have a good BBQ on a Sunday during the Cowboys game.

Sometimes you feel like you know exactly what to expect, others you are totally surprised. The same I think with how you see people, situations or life decisions (jobs). Maybe it is like drinking, you know it will start out really fun and get a lot better as your decision making gets worse. Somehow once you have drank too much all you want is more, but the next day you promise never to drink again. You'll look bad with fond memories, but you would probably of still done it differently you think....but yet you don't.

wish people were honest

Ring

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" - Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000)

I'm going to rock my goals this week. [edit: woah I was far off.] Mainly because I don't have a choice. It is funny how small insignificant things you need to do, but haven't gotten around to can really decrease your overall general well being. Come this time next week I want to be dealing with new problems than the ones on my mind.

I almost feel like I am getting back from vacation. I wish I was more fiscally responsible. I was having a conversation with Oscar about his house payment and how he chose a 15 year mortgage because it would lead to paying less interest. I think if it were me I'd take the 30 year one mainly because I'd have lower payments. I'd end up paying more for longer, but his approach is so much more responsible. I have a lot to learn. It is almost like when you are really overweight, I mean you don't really care about that last donut because how much worse can things get. You think, well if I was skinny, then I would eat better. Yet if you were skinny, you'd think, hell I have a lot of eating I can do before I get fat, let me enjoy.



I don't own a lot of shorts. I used to, but it was usually too cold to wear shorts so I never bought more. Today I picked some up at the store so that I don't always have to wear jeans. I'm starting to adapt to Texas life. I've lost some weight since moving to Texas and am between sizes, so picking the right size was hard, but why am I talking about this. I need new clothes.




Tuesday I slept in, which is hard to understand because I did get to bed at a good time. I met Ericka for lunch as she got out of work early. We ate at this Mexican restaurant in a part of town I hadn't yet been in. We then went to the mall to look at Apple's since she is thinking of getting a Mac laptop. I know nothing about Macs, but I was happy to give my advice. I really liked the black Mac and really fell for the iphone. If they were not tied to ATT I think I'd figure out a way to get one.

I don't know who to talk to about this, but this is a big deal to me right now. I'm putting this deep in my entry because it is one of the personal things I don't like to talk about, but right now I really need somewhere to vent these thoughts. I was taping off some medicine because I wasn't happy with it. It has really bad withdrawal symptoms and tapering is the only way to reduce them. Well I had an insurance issue and the medicine was almost $200 bucks and I decided to just go cold turkey instead of buying more medicine to decrease my usage. I thought I would be fine, I would be different and not have those withdrawal symptoms. Then I noticed I was having bad dreams, felt hot and not well and wanted to sleep all day (as opposed to my normal wanting to sleep a lot). Now I am sitting here with the worst nausea and headache and body aches I've had in recent memory. It is like I finally understand what they meant by withdrawal from drugs. Well I have enough medicine to do a shortened version of tapering down, but I'm torn now on what to do. The problem is that I stopped taking the medicine 2 or 3 days ago. I got through the first part I guess without noticing and now it is finally starting to kick in. My first thought is to just start taking those half doses I have ready and make the pain will go away, but then I think, well I'm a few days into kicking this (why does this sound like I'm kicking crack), so maybe I should just go through this hell and be off than get back on and maybe just delay this feeling to another day if this is just an inevitable result of stopping. I think I'm gonna try to get through the night and see where I am tomorrow and only get back on the medication if I can't function. Maybe this type of horrible feeling will make me appreciate other things once it is gone. [Edit: I made it through that night and think I kicked the withdrawal symptoms. Not an experience I'd like to repeat.]

Abram came into town on Wednesday. He had an interview on Thursday. He went down to San Marcos to use his wake board and I stayed back. When I went downstairs I noticed his dogs were missing. Abram had put Brooks and Memphis in the backyard for the trip. I was able to quickly track down Memphis rolling in the mud in the front yard and picked him up and took him to the backyard. I was covered in mud and smelled like dog. Brooks was no where to be seen. I feel like he always gets out when I am around. Two hours later I was able to finally track down Brooks right before Abram got back from the ski ranch.

We met up with Oscar and Danny at Mean Eyed Cat. I like that place, but I am not a fan of live bands that are just way too loud. Maybe we were just too close. I don't think my ears are that sensitive and I love music, but blasting in my ears, I don't know I would just rather have it where I could still chat. We then went to Katz to have a really late dinner where Ericka met up with us. Danny went home I think because he didn't show up. We then checked out another bar on west 6th and called it a night.

Thursday Abram had his interview and did a great job. He even got called back for a 2nd interview. The job wasn't what he was really interested in so I don't think he will take that second interview. In the evening we went with Danny to the Library on 6th to have some drinks. We met up with Oscar, Ish, Sarah, Mari, Shay, Ericka and Karina. The beer was cheap and we were there for a while. A random girl hit on me, which is always a nice compliment. After, we got in the car with Danny, Shay, and Mari. We went to Jimmy's house we thought to drop off some people, but much later we all ended up just coming back to Buda. Once we got home Abram and I took off to San Marcos to hang out with his buddy. We were there until 5 in the morning. Norbert has a husky who was much bigger than when I last saw him. When I get a dog I think it will be a husky.

On Friday I talked to Maria. I hadn't heard from her in a long time and it was good hear about her progress. She is in the hospital right now (see her blog), and was telling me about her marrow transplant. When I think about what she is dealing with, it makes me feel like there are many lessons I can learn from her experience and courage.

marathon

Slam Poetry

"No one is ready for a thing until he believes he can acquire it." - Napoleon Hill

Another interesting week, but not exactly how I planned. I'm here listening to Damien Rice and thinking about how it would feel to have a new lease on life. Would I really be different? Or would I just be different for a little while and then go back to what felt most comfortable. It is that feeling after a close call in an accident or when you find out news that is a great relief.

I've made a decision that I'm hoping will bring down my stress level and help me manage my time more efficiently. But like many other decisions, the decision is easy in theory, but hard in practice. I watch and read too much news. Not only does it reveal how incompetent this president is and how corrupt the Republican party continues to be, but also makes me upset that democrats can't stand up and fight back in a stronger way. This war should be over and each day as I watch pundits sell their talking points I caught myself getting stressed when they use blatant lies or inflammatory rhetoric that ignores the reality of what is going on. So I read my huffingtonpost, dailykos, drudge and watch hardball, countdown (favorite news show) and a lot of other news (don't forget the amazing Daily Show and CR). You can't worry about things you can't control, so I need to stop worrying that Fox News sells an agenda, or what is going to happen daily in Congress. I'll always keep up with news, but I need to stop being a news junkie. I was watching CSPAN for God's sake. So the plan is to limit my daily news watching. I'm going to try to only watch Countdown and Daily Show to get the big news and not stress about the other details right now. Next summer I'm sure I'll become a much worse junkie with the presidential election being so close. Online wise, I'm not sure if google reader is helpful or not because I feel like it just exposes me to more stories. so I'm going work on just checking certain sites only once a day. I don't watch morning news (which I used to be a super big fan of), but once they axed the O'brien's, I just lost interest, maybe it was the timing in my life.

I must of been making up for lost time, but I have gone out a lot more than I had planned to during this week. It started on Tuesday night. I was at home getting ready for bed and Oscar invited me out to have some drinks. I thought about how I didn't have work in the morning, so I was like sure. We went out downtown and met up with Oscar's friends Ericka and Karina. Ericka knows Oscar's sister from college and is currently her housemate and Karina just started working in Austin. We had drinks at Key Bar and mainly just talked while I went on to make what seemed like a semi-bad impression. Maybe I shouldn't be so forceful with my opinions sometimes. It was a fun night and I welcomed having people to hang out with.

Wednesday night was another normal night and Oscar informed me of a Poetry Slam at a local bar and I thought it might be interesting, so I made a last minute decision to go. We got there and it was packed, but the place was filled with the more independent types and was a crowd that I really liked hanging out with. I didn't know what to expect really, maybe I was thinking sonnents or something, but man all the teams were really amazing. There were some I liked more than others, but all were filled with a lot of thinking and the performances were at times very creative. http://www.austinslam.com/ After a few teams went up, Ericka showed up and hung out with us. She had actually missed the ones that ended being my favorite, but she still got to see some good shows. We called it a night a little bit early due the it being a weeknight thing.

Thursday night Oscar and Danny went to a Bachelor party in San Antonio. I watched the Dallas Cowboys play their preseason game on an HDTV. I really like football on HD. Ericka was nice enough to hang out with me downtown. She is new to town too, but she knows Austin a hell of a lot better than I do. We started off at this bar that I had actually been to before with my sister Ana. Funny how places look different when you are buzzed and it is packed than when you are sober. Oh did I mention I didn't know where to park and parked totally across town, ok not across town, but it was still a walk. We checked out a few places and I really started to feel like I was getting a hang of this Austin thing.

So now it is Friday night and I'm pretty tired, funny how now it is the weekend. So I go and have dinner with Oscar, his sister Monica, her husband Joselo and Ericka. It was a Central American restaurant and the food for the most part was good excepted for a burned appetizer we got. I hadn't seen Monica since the one time I met her during my first year of college, but I had played poker with her husband before. They are really cool people and easy to get along with. They are expecting their first baby and you can see the excitement in their eyes and how they talk about it. After we checked out a bar of one of Monica's clients (she works at a bank). It had just started and we spent a lot of time sharing our ideas of what the ideal bar setup would be. After some dancing, we called it a night and Ericka and I went to check out 6th street on a Friday night. It was everything I expected, but I still am not sure if it was in a good way or a bad way. I had a good time and it really made me miss college. I got to see the UT USC game across the street on this big TV on the other roof from our roof.

On Saturday night, I was invited over to Monica and Joselo's house in I guess Northeastern Austin. Ericka is renting there since she just moved, so she is the Marty version of me living here at Oscar's house. I have to tell you I was so very impressed with their home. I've seen nice homes before, but I guess not as many for people in my age group. They had just got their patio furniture and had just set it up outside next to their Jacuzzi. We ordered out for pizza, picking Little Ceasers because when you are pregnant you have extra choosing power. I haven't had it since I was little. Ericka and I went and picked up the pizza and the lady working there was a strong burly man. I'm sure she had a good heart, but her voice did make me feel a bit on the defensive. Back at the house, we enjoyed the food on the patio and Oscar came by after spending the day tubing. Then it was times for games. I wanted to play board games, but the guys wanted poker and I'll never say no to poker. I worry that I try to teach too much when I play, but I did end up going broke. I had a full house with a board of K333 and I was holding a K. Oscar goes all in and everyone knows he must have that 4th 3, but going against my gut I decide that the odds of him having that 4th 3 is so remote I shouldn't be worried. I tell him he deserves to win if he gots the 3 (or pocket aces) and he turns over the 3. That ended my night. Ericka quit playing and we checked out the TV gameroom where I got to see the finale of Shaq's big challenge. Watching little kids lose weight is really motivating, but the show isn't that great. I had a really good time and on the drive home it felt like I had friends who I enjoyed spending time with. It was something I was looking for and now it seems like I'm meeting new people as each week passes. I am broke now though and will probably not be going out as much.

Sunday I was useless and just slept and tried to plan out my upcoming week. I talked to Oscar about selling his place and moving into something else. It is hard for me to understand because he owns a home and it is really nice and the type of think I would dream to have. Why would you want to sell? But the more we talked, I understood that it was more of a family type home and maybe he would be happier in a more upscale condo. Sometimes I see it as the grass is always greener and at others I think that it is good to see that having a nice place isn't something that is impossible to achieve.

I talked to my cousin Adam from Ft. Worth and hopefully I'll be visiting soon. He was down in Austin this weekend, but I didn't have his phone number and he didn't have my new one so we didn't get to hang out.

What a difference a year makes. I think a year from now things will also be completely different too.

I do know what today is

Reciprocity

"The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

This week has been more productive. It is really early though and I have a lot of ground to cover. I feel like I am waiting for some sort of big change, but the only changes that will happen now are the ones I create. I talked to the career people at UT and got that set up and hopefully by tomorrow I should have that up and running. Seems like all the jobs are always where you are not.


I got a new phone number today. I was tired of having a Virginia phone number and figured it was time I get something local. I've changed numbers so many times it seems. On cellphones at least 5 times, but you throw in home phones and man, that is a list of numbers. If you need my number just send me an email.

I got a haircut today and took care of some errands. I feel like I should be going somewhere each day and that is the hardest part. This is paradise, but with a lot of external stress factors. It is hard to explain.

I've been trying to find a good To Do program or webpage software. It is hard to find lists that incorporate sub-tasks. Let me know if you have any good ideas. My pictures should be working for the most part, still think I need to straighten some out and delete some duplicates. So far I am happy with flickr.

remembering me

The List

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." -Michel de Montaigne

I'm back in Austin and it is time to start to build up my life for what is coming next. I've lost a lot of my daily meaning not having to constantly worry about studying or impending doom as my emotions saw it. I spent my first day sleeping in a bit and then going to the doctor. My insurance is running out in 2 weeks and then I'm doctor free until I can find a job. I have to figure out how to submit my claims since I have been paying full price.

I didn't feel like I had much direction, yet I felt like I had so much to do. I decided to just list everything I needed to do on paper no matter how small and mundane (ie move lamp downstairs) to larger scope issues (ie pay bills, contact employers). Now that I have my list, I am using my days to try to knock things off. I'm of course picking the easier ones instead of the harder ones like I'm supposed to, but every check makes me feel better. I sometimes add things to my list just to check them off. At least I have some sort of direction.

I'm drowning in debt (yeah yeah we all are), so I'm trying to find clever ways to keep my head above water so that I can work on a long term solution. This I will do because the stress bills bring can really get to you. I just felt it was worth mentioning since it is a topic high in my mind.


I haven't really dove head first into my Harry Potter book, mainly because I feel a bit guilty reading for hours and not getting things done on the aforementioned list, but I'm going to take that on soon. I can't wait to be in the know.


Friday I used to clean house. Oscar was still out of town and Danny was at work. Since Koki and Mia leave fur all around, I vaccumed the entired house and cleaned up the restroom a bit. None of the cleaning was even close to what I would get if I hired a person for the day, but it was much better than it was before. I pay rent, but I should earn my keep too as far as chores go.

Friday I got a phone call from Eliza. Bekka and Jamie were with her and she told me that Bekka wanted to talk to me. Bekka was crying and thanked for me for talking to her Dad. She was really excited about her mom getting a tombstone. I wanted to rejoice with her, but I had to hold back and remind her that we still have to wait for her father to sign the consent, but that this was a good step forward. It means a lot to me that this also means a lot to the girls. The first thing Bekka told Eliza when it came up was, "What took you so long." In more of a soft declaratory statement than a question.

Friday night I went to hang out with Rino. We had pizza, drank and watched the Illusionist.

I've always wondered what the checkout counter lady at the grocery store thinks about me. Sometimes you wonder if they try to figure you out by looking at what you buy. Then can figure out I have a cat, and then I just feel guilty for the food I purchase that isn't healthy. I'm sure they could careless, but it makes me think about myself and what items I purchase and it is probably not too bad of an idea to take inventory of what I purchase.

On Sunday I had lunch with an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. Interesting how when time passes people change, yet who they are seems the same. It was nice to hang out by the lake and expand my group of friends.

My flickr photos are coming to together. I'm almost there. I'm really annoyed because a lot of photos are rotated wrong and I have to manually go through them to fix them. It not only means a big time committment, but also trips down memory lane. I've never been good about that. For all the collecting of photos over the past 10 years I have done, I rarely go back and look at them.

gracias gatito

Grandma's 81st Birthday

"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it." - Colin Powell

I went home for the weekend to visit my family. It takes me 5 hours to make the trip and I am not really sure about how often I'll get to visit home. Saturday morning I drove down from Austin to Edinburg. The trip was long and a bit lonely, but it wasn't too bad. I arrived at about 6pm and spent some time with my father. My grandmother was celebrating her 81st birthday and the family was going out to dinner. Bekkah and Jamie were there and we met up with my aunt Sarah, my cousin Sonya, Tio Cama and Tia Priss at a Mexican restaurant. We had a nice dinner, took pictures and caught up. I got big news from my sister Eliza, she is expecting a baby. It was very exciting and since I haven't had a new niece or nephew in nine years or so, it came very unexpected.

After dinner, I took Bekka, Jamie and Tori to rent some movies. We then went to Walmart to get Jamie a bathing suit for her trip to the beach while I picked up my Harry Potter (7) book. I have been waiting to read it.

I tend to watch movies that are more educational than exciting so I hope I'm not making a bad impression with the girls. We watched Jesus Camp. My mother watched it with us. The girls seemed to get the moral of documentary, but my mom and later my aunt didn't see any of the concerns I had and instead saw the brainwashing as a sign of how impressive the faith of those kids was. I could not believe it, but it doesn't mean I'll give up.

Sunday morning I slept in and after a late breakfast, I took the girls to the movies to watch Harry Potter (5) with me. I'm starting to catch up on the movies I have missed. I had a good time talking and spending time with the girls and it felt good to be the uncle that can take them to the movies or get them things they otherwise wouldn't have.

I dropped Bekka off at home and Jamie left with my aunt Sarah to leave for the beach the next day. I then met up with Rick at Chili's for some drinks. I talked to him up about what I have been up to and he caught me up on what was going on with him.

When I got home, my sister Ana was there and I ended up keeping her up late just chatting away. I talk a lot, but I don't mind it, but I am trying to make sure I work on listening as well.

Monday morning I left for Harlingen to visit my grandmother. I took little Sarah and Tori with me in my truck. It is always good to get alone time with them in small groups. Sarah shared me with how things were going and both little girls taught me all about the music on Sarah's PSP we were playing over the speakers. I did get lost, which is sad considering I've made that trip so many times, but the girls helped me find my way.

At my grandmother's house, everyone got ready to go to the beach and my grandmother and I stayed behind to go and visit my grandfather. We spent a few hours at the nursing home. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and sometimes he can remember me, others he can't. He can act very loving or get really pissed off. He gave me a lecture about how much he hated being in bed, which made me feel terrible, but taking him out to work like he wanted just wasn't an option. I hate that he has to go through that. I'll take what I can get and do appreciate having him there to spend time with.

I came home a bit late and Eliza was hanging out at the house. We waited for my mother and Tori and then Eliza headed home. She had forgotten her cell phone and worried she would be without a phone, my mother and I went over to her place to drop it off late at night. My mom told me the wrong place ("the first place..." "no not the first place from where we are, the other first place.") So I wake a guy up at midnight and felt kind of bad about that.

Once I got home, I fixed my mom's computer and the girl's laptop. I removed some viruses and spyware. I also set up a router, which ended up being harder than I expected.

On Tuesday, my dad came over so we could have lunch. We first went over to the cemetary to visit Vero's grave and I wanted to drop by and visit's Rick's sister's tombstone to pay my respects. My dad dropped by to visit a young boy's (about 18 or 19) grave nearby who died in Iraq and who my dad used to know from my sister Vero's neighborhood.

After, I went into the front office to talk to them about purchasing a tombstone for my sister. It has been over four years and they told me they couldn't let do it without consent of my brother in law. Before I take legal action, I thought it would be better to just work it out instead. I got the promise of consent from him on the phone, but hopefully I can get the paper signed and get this ordeal past me and my family. I'm going to leave most of my anger out of this, but it is hard not to be inflamed.

My dad and I had lunch and talked since I don't usually get to spend a lot of time with him.

The drive back up felt shorter, but I did spent a large part of it on the phone. That really helps pass the time.

My pictures have been moved to flickr and I'm working on trying to organize them and make the links to my page correspond with the correct sets. Right now the All Pictures link works and hopefully soon all links will be working.

I'm added the headlines section since I run across a lot of articles I find interesting, but don't really ever blog about.

new chapters