I'll Eat You Up

"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." - George Bernard Shaw

I finally got to see the movie version of Where the Wild Things Are. I had plans to see it long ago, but they ended up being side tracked and delayed. I didn't hear great reviews about the film, but I did enjoy watching the film adaptation of one of my favorite short stories. Of course it could have been better. Visually it was definitely worth it for me. Watching those characters come to life was stunning. Plot wise, I felt very confused through most of the movie and only the moments when I noticed the references to lines from the book would I really cheer up. I don't think watching it without reading book would make much sense. Here is the text of the President reading the book to kids on Easter. Oh another thing I was thinking was that I enjoyed the trailer much more than the movie. Even watching it after made me feel good. It really feels more like the book. Here it is for your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM

Here are my plans for the Christmas break. I work until Wednesday the 23rd. Then I plan to drive down the Valley to spend Christmas with my family. I'll probably stay past my birthday on the 27th when I turn 30 years old. It is a milestone, but birthdays are not big events for me. I'll write an entry on that soon. Most likely I'll return to Austin on the 28th or so and take that entire week off of work for vacation. That week is my favorite part of the holidays. I should figure out my plans for new years as well.

The movie Avatar came out this week. I'm very excited about watching it. I've decided I'm going to watch it in IMAX 3D. It will be my first IMAX movie ever. I'm not excited about the crowds, but hopefully I'll be back here sharing my experience about it pretty soon. It is completely sold out in Austin, so I'm going to have to go to San Antonio to go and see it.

If you own a TV or computer I'm sure you have been inundated with Tiger Woods gossip (news?). Each day it seems to get less and less interesting. I read this opinion piece in the Statesman about Tiger Woods and felt that it summed up a lot of my feelings on the topic, The wrong role for celebrities by Rhonda Swan. The highlights I related to were:

There probably are more people who can name the number of women who shamelessly have admitted to bedding Tiger than can name the number of amendments to the U.S. Constitution (27), the number of representatives in the U.S. House (435), or the number of the health care reform bill (HR 3590) the Senate is debating. I get that these numbers aren't sexy, but they represent things that have a hell of a lot more meaning to our daily lives.

I would tell the children who have looked to Tiger as a role model to use him as model for how to play golf, not how to live their lives. I would tell the children that athletes are to be admired for their skills but are not always good examples off the course, the court or the field. That they should choose role models who have characteristics that inspire them to become the best person they can be. And that, more often than not, they won't find those people on a TV or movie screen.

Whenever the media talk of role models, it's always about someone famous and usually an athlete. They are role models by default because everyone knows their name.

The people who really make a difference in the world — parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, mentors, volunteers and social workers, for example — rarely get the spotlight.

Tiger is a great role model for how to be the best player in the world at golf. Look at what he has done. On the other hand, he is probably not the best role model on being a husband, but if you are taking your relationship cues from people on TV, then you should probably rethink your approach. This scandal has been media catnip, especially on the internet. I think it highlights the point that people cheat. They don't stop because it is the right to do, but most likely because they are caught. Some don't even change then. People are as faithful as their options. When you see that stats about infidelity it makes you wonder. I've seen older numbers as low as 20% of men and 16% of women cheat in their marriage to estimates that 30-60% of all married people will cheat on their spouse. Then you have to assume that for some people they might not have a lot of options, so you don't know if it is an opportunity issue. And that is marriage, imagine just regular relationships. Also, this leaves out the stats on divorce. The bigger point is that it makes you wonder what the best way to deal with the issue is. Pre-nup? I understand having trust and knowing a person really well, but the stats make clear that many people who take that route are just putting their heads in the sand. I guess one can only hope that the person you meet is different and special and that it is better to have hope than to be jaded. For me, I'm done with the Tiger news, but it doesn't mean that the issue he is dealing with isn't one I'll one day confront.

When I think back about relationships in my life, I look at how I have changed and how I see myself. I always thought that in order to be ready for commitment I needed to prove myself as a man. I never felt good enough for anyone or ready to commit until I proved I could give them everything I wanted for them. I worked most of my life proving that I was the one, yet ironically in the effort leaving most people behind. I didn't care that most men I saw were absent fathers or creating broken homes with no means to support a family. Why did they not feel the same mandate to prove themselves that I imposed upon myself? Even when relationships ended and people moved on, I knew I was better than any new person, but I still had to prove this to myself. Over time I proved to myself that I was better than them by trying to make more of myself. It didn't really matter at that point because those relationships were only memories from the past when I finally got to the point where I felt worthy for them. And the truth is, there will always be men in this world that are probably more worthy, can provide more and are even more emotionally compatible. It was a fool's errand I was on. There are times I wish I knew from the beginning that I was always worthy, that I didn't need to go off on my own personal journey to achieve my goals alone and that sometimes you can let people join you on that journey. As flawed as the rationale for my journey's path may have been, I'm actually happy where I ended up. There are many alternate realities I didn't pursue, but the one I did has helped me understand myself the best. I can't honestly say I pine over anything I may have lost, though that doesn't mean I don't miss it or think about it. Maybe I need to realize there is a part of me that doesn't want to commit, that doesn't trust myself with other people because I give up control over my own emotions. Nevertheless, I catch myself now, even after being past what I thought I needed to be worthy, still wanting more, thinking until I have more will I be ready. The truth is, until I'm where I want to be personally, I don't want to be ready. This is not a waiting for the right person thing. This is not a being too picky thing or not settling thing. This is a balancing act between the need to be free and polyamorous against the comfort and security one gets from true commitment. Right now I'm leaning towards for the former and I can live with that.

I'm all over the map today. This healthcare bill in Congress has got me in knots. I've tried to talk less about politics this year since its not an election year, but this bill is important to me. It should go unsaid that I'm a progressive who thinks that healthcare should be a right and not just a privilege for those with money. I do not feel safe in our current system, where if I break my leg I'll be ok because my premiums have more than paid for it, but if I got a life threatening disease, even with insurance I'll be out of luck. I'll be thrown off the rolls for a variety of reasons (including just making the insurance unaffordable for my company) and I'll be left to fend for myself even after playing by the rules. Greed has to be regulated when it hurts people. Now I understand some of the conservatives concerns about the healthcare bill and the ones that are not lies, for me are trade offs that surpass my cost benefit analysis. I hate that the Democrats have given away everything and have gotten nothing in return. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good they told us when they started with single payer (medicare for all) already off the table. Then they compromised everything away. Now look were we are:

-no single payer (universal healthcare)
-no public option (compromise)
-no medicare buy in (compromise)

- no importation of drugs (compromise)
jenga!!!! Now they tell us again not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good, but what good is left? Any good that came from the bill I trusted couldn't be worked around because of the threat of competition. Now there will be no true competition. Then add a mandate to that. I'll take a mandate if you give me an affordable option I can trust is not exploiting me for excessive profits. Right now, if any real insurance choice isn't offered then the mandate should be dropped. I'm torn, but I think they should kill the bill now that it doesn't offer real change, unless they can fix it.

This doesn't mean I side with the crazy, but they have won. Back to the insurance death panels and unaffordable premiums for us it seems. I had faith that the President was a chess player, but here he just failed as a leader. Where was he? Now, I'm trying to be open minded because as someone put it, "where do you think the money is going?" True, maybe if the bill will help some people then pass it, but I worry that people will expect a real change and it will just go back to the same messed up excessive profit system it has always been. Letting the doctors get rich I'm ok with, but not insurance companies who make money by denying claims.

I'm not alone at feeling this way: you can read about how Democrats Lash Out At Obama Over Health Care Disappointments. Highlights include:

"The president keeps listening to Rahm Emanuel," said Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.). "No public option, no extending Medicare to 55, no nothing, an excise tax, God!" he exclaimed about the Senate health care bill to Roll Call. "The insurance lobby is taking over."

"The White House has been useless," Rep. Dave Obey (D-Wis.), the chairman of the powerful Appropriations Committee, told Politico. Referencing Senate delays, he said, "It's ridiculous, and the Obama administration is sitting on the sidelines. That's nonsense."

Now the truth is that my thoughts and feelings about the topic are not going to change anything. They are just one person's personal opinion. There are many people out there that do not agree with me, but I'm writing about it because it has been on my mind these past few months and its the most important legislation I have cared about in my lifetime. This matters to me and that is why I think about it. I do my part and vote and try to clear up the lies I encounter, but it all feels like a drop in the bucket compared to the money that is poured into keeping the system the same.

Now back to the world of the mundane, I was talking to a friend about this the other day. I find it funny how some people solve all of life's problems though their facebook pearl of wisdom status update. They post a quote that says something like, "follow your heart...(yada, yada)" and a person replies "so very true sister," and bam, that its, the secret to life. I'm talking about when a person goes though a bad experience and shares the lesson they learned, which if you really look closely doesn't really address the problem, but who am I disparage their epiphany. Don't get me wrong, I like inspirational fb status updates, and you can tell from my entries that I'm a fan of quotes, but there is just something about how profound and problem solving some people make certain quotes sound that makes me feel like people would rather be comforted by an easy solution than think about the complexities of life. Maybe I'm just hating. This probably would have been more clear had I shared a good example, but I don't really have one.

how's it going boo?