Thanks for Study Week

"She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams And I could tell that time had changed me In her eyes too it seemed We tried to talk about the old days There wasn't much we could recall I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all." - Garth Brooks - Unanswered Prayers

Today is my last day of class. A lot of people are missing because they have left for Thanksgiving already. I wish they would have canceled my classes, but I got a good Property review session and a boring final Torts class. I have this final last, so I will try to study for it first and then not worry about it until after I am done with my other classes. The amount of information I need to be able to put down on paper is a lot, so this is going to be quite the experience.

Thanksgiving is coming up. This is going to be the first Thanksgiving I spend alone. My roommate is going home and I'm going to be here in my apartment with my cats. In the past, I've either been with my family, close friends or a loved one, but Christmas is very soon and I'll see everyone then. My plan is to buy some Boston Market turkey, eat my own mini meal and then watch the Cowboys and then on Friday Texas play A&M. After, I will probably just use the time to study for these finals. I hope to have less holidays like this in the future.

I finally saw the movie Paper Chase. I thought it would totally inspire me to study harder, but instead it just made me procrastinate from studying for a few hours and then back to normal. It was nice to see a movie about law school that wasn't Legally Blonde. I didn't really understand the motivations behind the female character, but it was an old movie so I won't think about it too much.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I found out that she was getting married. I was pretty impressed because she is about to make a decision to spend the rest of her life with someone she met only a few years ago. I'm impressed on how sure she is about her decision. It makes me wonder how long you need to date someone before deciding to get married. I feel like when you are younger you want to wait more years, but once you hit like 30 or so, then it seems like a year is usually how long people wait. I can't see myself knowing in such a short period of time if I could be with someone for the rest of my life after knowing them for only a few years, but as you get older I feel like you are forced to make this decision with less time. I was talking to another friend and they were pretty sure the didn't want to get married until much much later in life.

This may sound very simple, but remember to look both ways when crossing the street. It is something we learn when we are small, but as we grow up you tend to feel that the world is safe for some reason and take things for granted. There have been so many times in my life when I only looked one way or wasn't paying close attention and was about to take a step and I stopped b/c I heard something there was a car coming that would have killed or hurt me. I'm pretty good about looking both ways, especially around traffic, but I only have to get it wrong once. So be careful because the other day I was an idiot and missed getting hit for just day dreaming and walking to my car.

I love the weather here. It is getting cool, but it is still on the 80s. I really don't like cold weather. This is so much better for my mood and just for my overall well being. I have been decently healthy allergy and cold wise while living down here. Of course I know I speak too soon, since any sickness that has eluded me will quickly find me now that finals are here.


Here is part of an article I found interesting so I wanted to share it. Of course I'm always wondering what a person can do to foster the relationships in their lives and I don't think I've yet figured it out:

Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that! Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable." Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be
changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like." While it sounds easy -- and while it can be easy -- this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

memories won't let me go

I Knew What To Expect

Jesus said, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26).

I had a good meeting yesterday with the Catholic priest from the church I have started to go to. I asked him a lot of questions I had been thinking about like:
When can I take communion? Can I take it if I don't go to confession?
Can you explain the praying to saints and virgin mary thing?
Literal or general interpretation of the bible?
Difference between Catholics and Baptists? (said Baptists are really literal about their interpreation of the bible.)
Which bible is the best one? (said many are approved by Catholic church, but the one they use in mass is the "New American Bible".)
What do I need to do to be part of the church and one day marry through the church?
My concern with blaming God for things and not taking responsiblity for our choices and actions. The role church plays in spirituality.
How important are good intentions?

He was very willing to talk to me and wasn't condesending or anything. He was nice and really down to earth and his Irish accent made listening more interesting because I rarely hear it other than in movies. I didn't want to take up too much of his time, so I didn't belabor points or go off on too many tangents. His office was really normal looking, like that of a professor with books and a computer and he was dressed normally. I guess I just really had no clue what to expect because I have only seen him at church dressed up.

He brought up an example where Jesus says to hate your mother and father and how he literally didn't mean to hate your parents. (It would conflict with the 10 commandments), but the point Jesus was trying to make is that you have to hold Jesus above everything. I went online to read up more about this and I found a funny satire site of a Baptist Church online. It made me laugh because it takes some time to figure out it is a satire and there is funny stuff like pictures of people in white costumes burning crosses and explaining a justification for it. Here is their joke on the quote above. I wouldn't read it if you take offense easily. http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0504/mothersday.html

My biggest concern about church is the judgment part and how church going people tend to be such judging jerks who cast everyone to hell and feel like their own sins are justified because they attend church. I can choose how to apply the bible and my spirtuality to my life, but I don't feel the right to go around applying it to other peoples lives. I understand I must spread the word, but I'd rather just do it by example and I think each person needs to find God, not have him shoved down your throat for fear of being sent to hell for eternatity. Maybe I have it wrong, maybe my views will change over time, but they are just that, mine and they are my right.
So back to my point, I felt good knowing that this priest was more liberal than I expected and was more in tune with reality than I feel a lot of overly christian people are. I felt like I could trust a man who was going to be open minded about the world and the bible. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to teach my kids one day about God. See Saved, it's funny.

I didn't do my reading for contracts last night. Instead I went to bed early and tried to wake up and do it. I woke up and didn't have much time, so I quickly read through all 4 cases before going to class. I had them all briefed using rom law, but one case wasn't in there, so I just put a very short summary of the case in my notes. I thought of missing class, but I really needed to learn about condition precedents, so I showed up. I didn't get called on for the 1st two cases, but then I asked a question and I got called on for the next case in which I didn't have a brief. I did read it, but quickly, so I did the best I could trying to be confident, but not having a brief makes it hard and I couldn't remember the minute details of the case because I read it so fast, so I kept trying to bring it back to the bigger picture. I didn't look like a complete dumbass and some people were real nice and told me I did a good job, but I was upset because I enjoy getting called on when I know the case. She had only called on me once this year I think, maybe twice at most. So here I got a case I didn't know as well as I know the other cases, and I didn't get a chance to show to the professor that I am really learning this stuff. At least now we are done with with the material for contracts, now its just time to learn it. That is what I get for asking a question.

Yesterday I had a good conversation with my older sister. She was telling me a story and she mentioned feeling like a coward in a sense. We talk about how the "do unto others" view of life has really fucked us over because it doesn't let us be complete assholes and we feel guilty when we do bad things. I told her about my theory of how I don't have the killer instinct and how I can't kick a guy while he is down (literally) and how I even feel bad for evil people. I even have trouble telling people to fuck off and verbally be mean to them because I feel bad even though I might be feeling it inside and thinking it. Now don't think I'm all self rightous, I mean I can be a jerk and do bad things, but I think in general I try to do all things with good intentions and when I don't I genuinely do feel bad. I think I need to worry less and just speak up and call things as they are. At least I am glad I am not the only person feeling this way.

So here is a dream I had last night. Take it for what it is worth, I hate reading people's dreams, but writing my own is actually fun. It was the typical getting chased by the bad guy type of dream where you run and try to hide, but there seems to be no escape. He had a machine type gun and shot a lot of people and I was next on the list. I slammed a door between him and myself, but of course it wouldn't lock, so I used my body to hold it shut as he tried to get in. Then it hit me that he could just shoot through he door and kill me, so I had to move from the door and let him in and just hope to attack him and grab his gun before he could shoot me. I was of course wishing I had my own gun, but I had nothing but my own two hands. So I crouch down and as the door opens and he shoots in, I jump up at him and grab the gun and knock him down. I get the gun and instead of shooting the guy in the face or heart, I shoot him in the knees to remove the immediate threat. He is lying on the floor in pain, but alive and I point the gun at him and hesitate and then shoot at his chest. The gun of course runs out of bullets and I can't kill this bad guy who was trying to kill me and killed people who were important to me. The gun never seems to work in my dreams, that and cars, cars either won't start or the brakes don't work. So as I stand there with a malfunctioning gun, I should probably just start attacking this guy with my hands, but I just don't know what to do. The killer instinct I tell you, I should have just jumped on him and beat him up, but instead I felt bad, scared and uncertain. Now this of course was just a random dream and of course can't be taken literally because I don't go around trying to kill evil gunmen with their own guns, but it did make me feel like I need to be assertive when I have an advantage. BTW I don't believe in owning a gun because I worry I will shoot or be shot by a person I know by accident. I do care about protecting my home though so I think when I'm older I'll get one of those tazer guns or something that can help me fight off a guy with a gun, even though the odds of it happening is very low. Same way I think girls should carry pepper spray (of course know how to use it).

Finals are right around the corner, so I'm assuming I'll won't be writing too much until after I'm done due to my need to not get distracted during this time of trying to learn a semesters worth of material in about 2 weeks. This is probably 2 of the most important weeks of my life (at least in respect to my career). So if I know you, please ignore me during this time because I will looking for ways to procrastintate like no other. Just me and my girlfriend lawschool locked up in a room as I try to learn/memorize as much as my mind will let me.

am I that expendable? wonderful but...

Barbri Contracts

"Rationalization may be defined as self-deception by reasoning."
Karen Horney

Saturday was quite the day. I slept in until noon which isn't really sleeping in on a Saturday, but called waking up. I came to school at 3pm for a Barbri video on Contracts. It is now 6pm and I feel like the video is ok, but I'm enjoying the CD more than this video. The problem with CDs is that I listen to them in my car and my trip to school is about 10mins (longest 30). I tried to listen while I was running, but I don't think clearly when I'm tired.

I drive a whole lot more than I did in DC. I've easily surpassed doubling the miles I drove there in a year. I enjoy driving. It might take 30 mins to show up at a friends house, but it gives me time to think and listen to music. Driving to school each morning is so much better than walking to school in the snow. I really missed driving these past few years and I am very happy I got it back.

Going to church has always been something I know I need to do, but I've never fully integrated into my life. So I'm looking around for a church, but for now I'm going to a Catholic church near my house. One of the hardest parts of church for me is that it is before noon on Sundays and I have trouble waking up before noon on any day. I can't do Saturday night mass because I don't know, I just feel church should be on Sunday. Well this church has a 5:30 mass on Sunday. This totally fits in my schedule. I mean, it doesn't cut in the middle of my day so I can't really do much on Sunday, but it's hard to miss. Plus if I have something that evening, I can just make the effort to get to the 11am mass. Let's see how this all works out though.

totally worth it - just let go of the fear

Ignore Me

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and introduced us to irony. Jackass.

Seth about Summer: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be passive aggresive?

Sandy: Denial is a very effective coping mechanism.

Julie: He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!
Jimmy Cooper: But you are from Riverside.
Julie: It was his tone!

- The OC random quotes.

Sometimes talking about something is a way to jinx it, but I'll do it anyway. I started running again. I'm only doing 2 miles a day, but I plan to move up to 4 miles after 2 weeks and at that point move up my speed. It has only been 4 days and I worry the weekend will kill my motivation and now that finals are coming I won't have time, but I know I can make time. Come Monday I'll going to add the weights part of the workout, but it sucks to not have a spotter.

The OC is back. I didn't want to watch it when it came out, but I am addicted. I will not watch North Shore though. In watching the show I was talking to a friend and I asked her who she thought was more my type of girl, Summer or Marissa. {back to the old days when you said, I get to be leonardo, no I want to be michaelangelo} I thought she would pick Marissa, but instead she picked Seth's mom Kirsten. Of course they are all attractive, but this was about personality fit. Now we talk about which male character I empathize with the most. Again here I thought it would be the Seth character but I actually think it would be the Jimmy character. He falls in love with Kirsten when he is young (who is the perfect girl), they break up, he marries a total evil bitch, then falls for this free spirit who loves him, but doesn't know what she wants and ends up leaving him to go to Japan. This is a good guy who seems to do things with the best intentions, but somehow things don't seem to work out in the end for this guy. Now don't get me wrong, I know this show is just about looking at hot attractive people and wishing you had the problems of being rich and not knowing which hot girl to pick. It is still fun to watch. Here is a quote I read about the OC.
In "The O.C.", the writers actually explore questions of money, class and love in the various adult couples in a way that brings Jane Austen to mind; we can relate to the struggles the characters are going through even if their day-to-day lives are completely foreign from our own.

I don't understand myself. I think I lie to myself and I believe it and therefore I can't see the true world. Imagine having a rational voice over your shoulder with it telling you about the reality of what you are experiencing. You know, being honest with you. Say, hey fat ass start studying. Or, she is great you are being an idiot, or she is not great you are being an idiot. I don't know if I would be listening to that voice, but it would be nice to have it. I don't think I can objectively look at things from outside myself because it will always be jaded with my way of looking at the world.

I got my Legal Writing final exam grade and I got 39 of 42. I am kind of upset I didn't get a 41, but I won't complain. I heard there was a prefect score, but I don't know what the curve is yet, but I guess I hope the rest of the grades where low as to help me out. I think that unless I really did bad on my final open memo, I should possibly get an A in the class, but at the least a B+. I really enjoy writing and if my gpa sucks I want to at least be able to say I'm a good writer. {editor's note: found out it was a 39 out of 40 not 42.}

Look at this headline "Police use stun gun on 6-year-old." This is a perfect example of sensationalism. It makes you think, man, those fucking assholes tazing a 6 year old little boy. (notice how we assume boy, boys get into kinds of stupid shit.) One headline when you open the link was a bit more fair and said, "Officials: Child was cutting himself with glass." So yeah, in short the kid was cutting himself up and talking to him to stop didn't work, so they did it to protect him. They should have just punched him in the face, it would probably hurt less than 10,000 volts. Either way, it seems somewhat justified, though if it could be argued there was a safer option, then let the courts decide this...but really the headline makes it sound like "cops stun little boy who was just sitting there." It got my attention so I guess it worked.

I don't know what people in my class think of me. I'm sure some think I'm annoying and others don't even know my name. But there are names that keep coming up as people that annoy everyone. Here is the funny part. I was talking to one of those people and she started going off on this person in our class that he/she hates. I mean the anger s/he expressed was impressive. The funny part is that the person s/he was talking about is the 2nd most annoying person to him/her. I wanted to tell her to cut that person a break because they were much worse, but I let them live in their own little world. So if this person is clueless that people want them to shut the hell up, it makes me think I could be clueless too...I mean wouldn't it be ironic if I was above that person in people hated most. Of course I don't think I am and am pretty sure I am not, but that person doesn't know so it does make you think. I have learned something in law school, participation is hard. I enjoy asking questions, so I make an effort not to. I limit myself to one question per day in two classes. I really want to ask 10, but I don't want to annoy everyone. Therefore I try to pick the most kick ass question I can and keep the small ones for later. The thing is when you get used to not asking questions, then you just don't want to ask questions, which is how I am in some classes.

What a terrible idea, I should not have gone.

Fighting the feeling to dial

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt......If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake." - President Thomas Jefferson

Finals are getting closer, so I won't talk about it too much right now since I'm sure it will be the topic of choice for the following weeks until I am done Dec. 11th. I have a good month break, but I'm not sure how I am going to spend it. I'm sure I'll go home, but for how long I am not sure.

Tuesday I had to wait for the cable guy. They told me 2-5pm. I have class until 3pm so I decided to be adventurous and show up at 3pm and if he came, well no HBO for Marty. I get free cable, but no HBO and I have a lot of shows I follow there, so I figured it was time to get it. I get home and then wonder if the guy already came and left or not. So I don't leave or do anything. Finally I get a call saying he is running late and will be there at 6pm. I feel like my gamble paid off when I find out he hadn't come yet, but I was wrong. The guy didn't actually get there until 7 or 7:30. I got my cable, but am mad I stressed about not being home for that hour. This is my life, be envious.

Angie starts her new job today. I wish her good luck. She seems to worry a lot about making the right decision in her life, such as picking the right job and the right path. Hopefully this job will work into her plan. I'm sure she will enjoy it. Yesterday some one called her mother and told her that her daugher (Angie's sister) was in a car accident and to call a certain number. This led to a long period of time where everyone was stressed trying to find the status on her sister. She ended up being in class ok and it was a prank call from a phone booth. I can't believe people could be such jerks. I'm glad it all turned out ok.

I have done my lecture on forwards before and a person that sends you a forward that says if you don't forward you will be cursed is no friend at all. I do argue that if you like the email, copy the substance and forward that, not the threats part. Here is one of those emails. It was a list of things to keep in mind. I threw in my commentary and excuse the bullshit stuff that is so tried and repeated, I can't help it.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- I'd do it only to people I care about.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
- I think it is saying not to marry for just sex, but I think it is important for the person you love to be your best friend because life is long and you'd better like the company of this person. A girl who can have a good conversation is a rare gem I think.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- I do this, but its probably not the best choice as indicated by my bills.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
- I really think those words mean nothing if not followed by actions. Doesn't matter how much you mean it if you don't show it. The worse is "I love you, but.."
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
- Don't expect forgiveness just because you said it, you are not entitled to anything, and be willing to be sorry even if you are not forgiven. I know people that would take the sorry back if you said fuck your sorry to them.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Don't live with them before you are engaged.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
- I don't think people have love at first sight for ugly people. I think you can know at first sight if you could love this person, but I think it just means, wow you were hot and luckily it worked out.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
- Laugh and laugh loud, cause some people have stupid dreams, low expectations or no plan. Make them stand up for their dreams, don't be a dick about it, but being a friend means being honest. I think people are big enough to make their own decisions and not blame you for following their dreams.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
- Might? You will get hurt, but its a great ride I think. Everyone says this crap though, it's in a lot of my quotes, but I think if you are just a good person and care for another person, things will fall into place...the romantic getaway view of love is great, and it has its moments, but over a lifetime, you don't spend it with strawberrys and champage, you spend it with a person you want to be around, someone cool who you can tell about how much you hate the cable man.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Totally about this, I think people should fight, but if you do it unfair then it leads to all kinds of problems, at least you can walk away from a disagreement, but not when a person was just a total bitch to you, you either like them less as a person or are offended on how they portray you as a person.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
- True, but look at how they treat them I think.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
- I'd rather get more out by speaking faster, but I should work on focusing my points more.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
- Maybe just don't answer as it is none of their business.
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Not always, just because you didn't risk much to get something, it doesn't devalue it.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
- According to a teacher I had, don't say "God bless you" and according to another person always say "God" in there...either way, its some sort of pagan thing about losing your soul that really has nothing to do with God, just so you can know.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
- The lesson that you suck, that you might not be as good as the person or that it was fun just to play?
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;and Responsibility for all your actions.
- I have to remember so many acroymns, but thanks to 17 I will stop disrespecting people and being irresponsible...this is common sense, I'd cut this one out.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- Damn, I've been getting this one wrong too. I think they were getting tired at this point, as you probably are. Just be careful when a girl is in the picture, a future wife carries a lot weight even though friendship might be really strong.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Or cut your losses and move on.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- It's good to be positive I think, cause no one likes a negative person, but don't be fake.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
- It is important to have your own life, but alone can get lonely.


Un Dia Lejano
A veces me da por volver a pensar
en esos días que el tiempo borró y en las huellas que dejó

Y cada vez que me alejo te siento más
Y cada vez es más fuerte el sentimiento
de que algún día podrás volver a sanar nuestro amor

A veces me da por correr y escapar
Por lamentar lo que nunca te di
Lo que siempre te escondí

Y cada vez que me alejo te siento más

Tal vez...Algún día lejano quizás...
Te vuelva a encontrar
Tal vez...Algún día lejano quizás
Te pueda olvidar...
Te pueda olvidar...
Te pueda olvidar...
...Amor

Personal Notes:

2-2-2 (-2)

826 to the 836

"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us." - Kevin Arnold The Wonder Years

Sunday I attended a Catholic church in Miami Lakes. I have been looking for a church, but I still feel somewhat like a Christian free-agent right now, so I figured I'd start with the Catholic church and find out where I best fit in. The problem is that the catholic church is what I am used to, so it feels the most familiar and comfortable. I have a lot of problems with organized religion, but it is still the foundation of my faith. The good outweighs the bad, so I know I need it (organized religion) in my life even though I might not agree with every tenant. I think that the fact that there are so many different church's and types of Christianity show that the Bible is open to many interpretations. Here is an example. In the old testament it said that if your brother dies and your wife does not have kids, that you should marry his wife. Now in reality I don't think I'd be all that happy with my brother marrying my wife, I mean if they fell in love maybe, but not just cause the bible says so. Later in the new testament a person asks Jesus who would be the true husband of the wife in heaven and Jesus pretty much tells him that the way we see things on earth isn't the same as heaven. Exactly Jesus, thanks, so then why do people keep trying to make Heaven and God so earthy. There are streets of gold in heaven, because we value gold in earth, but I'm sure Heaven doesn't need streets and gold isn't precious in heaven, but we try to find a way to make it fit our own existence. So back to that story, the priest at chruch pretty much said that the reason behind the story of the brother and the wife was a simple property issue. If your wife dies and has no son to inheirit the property, the property would be lost, so the brother has an obligation to marry the wife in order to protect his brothers land and assests and keep it in the family. Now this public policy issue has more to do with our own human interests and not a direct command from God to marry our dead brothers wife. It really shows that it is man interpretation of God's word. Yet some people would argue that God said marry her and if you don't you are a sinner. Then I'm supposed to go around feeling all guilty cause God is angry I didn't marry my brothers widow. The lesson/interpretation I think we can take from thes story is that we should care for and do all we can for his widow as they are our family as well. That is what I would do and I think God would be more proud of me than of the person that just marries her thinking he is following the word of God. I think, and think for myself, which is what makes church harder for me, but I understand its importance and the importance of structure and community. All my basic values are from my faith, but I do value a woman's right to choose to not a baby if it will endanger her life, with is at odds with the people that say they have ownership of the faith I should have. But I would rather think for myself and make decisions based on what is right. I have heard it said, if you don't believe in Jesus you are going to hell. I don't believe that, I think a good person who doesn't believe in Jesus won't be in hell while some asshole who was a dick on earth but believed in Jesus and didn't sin more than the average person will go to heaven. It gets worse, then its not just your belief in Jesus that keeps you from going to hell, but you have to be of a certain religion too or you are going to hell. So if you are not Catholic, or Baptist, or Methodist, you are totally screwed (each might think about others). I'm not the perfect Christian, I don't have that false impression and pointing out how other Christians have problems doesn't make me a better Christian I know that, but I feel that I approach my faith in the right way and not as a crutch or as an excuse so that I don't have to take responsibility for my life. I'll stop talking about this topic for now because I know it's one that really can get to some people and people don't usually respectfully disagree with you, they tend to want to dam you to hell, which I for some crazy reason thought only God could do.

Sunday night I went with Francisco and Fed to a comedy show at FIU. It is weird, but somehow all roads have seemed to lead to FIU. It comes up a lot. I know a lot of people that have gone there, I've driven by there and now even went to one of their events. Yet I feel like I know so few people from UofM, which was the school I thought all roads would lead to. It was nice of Frank to invite us. We saw Carlos Mencia, a latino standup comic. It is kind of interesting because back in college I wanted to bring Culture Clash up to Cornell, but when I researched it I couldn't afford their fee. I talked to Rick and he told me to bring up Carlos Mencia and that he was awesome, but I forget why I couldn't get him either. So I end up bringing up Adrian Villegas from the Latino Comedy Project. He was pretty good and later in college, MEChA some how found a way to get Culture Clash to come for a better price. But in all that, I never got to see Carlos Mencia. Well I finally got my chance. He is a damn funny comedian. I don't agree with all the bullshit he dishes out, but a lot of it is on point and pretty damn funny. They mentioned he is getting some deal with Comedy Central, so I look forward to seeing that show. It felt good to take a break from everything and just laugh my ass off. It is good for the soul.

I think I should just accept it, but I am a clutter person. I don't like to throw stuff away and my room is just like my mind, just a cluttered mess that only makes sense to me. I don't worry too much about things matching and I feel like "I might need everything" so I keep it and it just piles up. I saw this room of this guy and all it has was a bed, TV and nice room decorations (like nightstand, etc.). It was simple, matching theme, uncluttered and I guess minimalistic. It looked awesome, but I don't think I could live like that, I like having my tissue box out for when I sneeze, my pens incase I need 4 or 5, my two way ear phone jack on the table, who knows when I will need that. I like my room to look lived in because it is where I live. I am an organized person, but in a weird way. I think I need to work more on making my stuff look simple and inside drawers is all my clutter, instead of on my table, around my computer and on my floor.

Today I got called on in class. I was happy that I was prepared for the case, but I had to skip lunch so that I could read my cases to get ready for that class, which ended up being totally worth it. I didn't get any hard questions, but I feel like I laid out the case in a simple to understand conversational manner and at the least didn't look like an idiot in front of my class. Who knows, maybe I did. I dread the day I will be unprepared and look like a total ass. I haven't been called on recently, which is why I make mention of this.

I miss my ice cream and cake

Love me if you Dare

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

Sometimes things look like they are going well and you wait for that moment for the carpet to get pulled from under you. That moment knows just how to find you, it finds you when you relax and start to enjoy yourself. I've known that moment well.

I took Koki and Mia to the vet today. I called and made an appointment, but just like an eye doctor, appointments are for show, and it didn't really matter when I showed up. Of course I got there on time and had to wait. I think the landlord saw me when I put the cats in the truck, so that might not be good. End of story, $150. That is love I tell you. So I go in and Koki and Mia stopped meowing when they see the dogs on the waiting room. Not so tough when they see bigger animals. This might seem weird, but I don't know Koki or Mia's bdays. I have started to forget even the month they were born in, so I'm losing track of their ages as time goes on. I really should figure this out and write it down. I lied to the vet and gave them vague estimates. I went in to see the doctor and a nurse came in. Koki hissed at her. Koki is usually sweet with other people, she did go crazy when Mia came, but I thought she was better. She must really not like the vet. The nurse said she was very possessive of me and also said koki has a small, but very nice face. I never thought of her face as small. Things didn't get better when the doctor came in and gave her a rabies shot. The doctor did tell me that I didn't need to get the leukemia shots for the cats because they don't interact with other cats, so I should save the money, but then he gave them the shots anyway and they were on the bill. I guess it is better that they have them. This is what I learned, I got medical confirmation that Koki is indeed a fat ass. I guess Herbert and everyone else was right. She weighed 11 lbs, which I guess isn't good. The doctor told me to put her on a diet if I want her to live a long life. No more eat when you want for Koki. I also learned that Koki and Mia have ear mites, which explains the stratching of the ears. I have medication to give to them to help this problem. The problem is that I don't know how to check if they are gone. The doctor had to leave for an emergency, and I guess the fact I was paying double for the same visit (in fees) since I had two cats, didn't give me much time to shoot the shit with him. 6 more months until the next appointment, but if the cats are healthy, I'll probably wait until a year.

I rented a movie on netflix for Angie. It is a French film called Love me if you Dare. I enjoy foreign films, but I don't actively seek them out. I guess because of that, I've only seen very good ones. I enjoyed this movie. It was different and it kept my interest, though it did drag a bit at the end, the premise was good. In short, the movie is about dares. We had some Nicaraguan food, which was very good, but still tasted like most latin american food I have had. They, like everyone else, love their plantains. I tried the plantain chips, which were starting to grow on me, but I'm not not feeling the fried plantains. I got to meet Joe, the cat Angie is taking care of. He is a cute kitten, just a few weeks old, but not as good looking as Koki if you ask me. He has this little tiger look, but he is really sickly, he needs all kinds of medication. Hopefully he heals up and grows up to be healthy. I learned today at the vet there are 7 (maybe 12) cats born for each baby in the United States. That is why there are so many strays and why so many have to be killed.

When you look at my life and different aspects of it, I see themes. There is a common denominator in all things that go wrong in your life and that is you. So be it love, academics, health, church or friendships, when things go wrong, you should probably look inward first. I talk of doing this, but I don't think I do it enough. Of course the one I tend to talk about the most is relationships. I guess when you have an approach to things, you tend to try to make the approach work for you, instead of changing that approach. Then I spend so much time thinking of that approach and not my approach to school, to friends, to life. It might explain why I'm a slow running, single, non-guitar playing, monolingual, and mediocre student.

Everytime you meet a girl you hear, "I don't get along with girls, all my friends are boys." I bet those girls you are talking about are those that have friends that are only guys too. The question comes, can a guy and a girl be just friends. I think they can, but I think most of the time there is a sexual interest on one side. Most of the time on the side of guys, cause you don't have to like someone to have sexual interest in them. Here is a conversation I found that I found interesting.

Female comment:
I don't know if this has been discussed properly and I couldn't find it if it was. Like in the movie When Harry Met Sally, I wish to discuss the topic that can men and women can really be just "friends" or does one of them inevitably HAVE to have a sexual attraction to the other? My opinion is that women can definitely have male friends that they are not sexually attracted to, (I have been friends with guys and I swear I really, really don't ever want to have sex with them) and I find that they are just funny or smart or whatever, and I enjoy their company, just as I would another female with the same attributes. But I find it difficult to believe that any man would want to INSTIGATE a platonic friendship with a girl that they were not sexually interested in, because of their genetic makeup. Please tell me, guys, if this is not correct!!! I am curious to know if any guys out there have ever INSTIGATED a friendship with a female that they would not ever have sex with in a million years. I don't think it counts as a male/female friendship for a guy if the girl instigated the relationship....The reason I use the key word "instigate" is because I've never known a man to be friends with a girl they wouldn't want to get in the sack with...
Male comment:
I think for most men the point is that there is RARELY a time that, if the moment came up, they would elect not to have sexual contact with a female friend. In HS and college, I ended up hooking up with most of my female friends, whether I wanted to date them or not. Sometimes, they liked me in romantic ways, sometimes they did not, sometimes they had b/fs and were cheating on them and still didn't have romantic thoughts about things. This is why men have to take a view on their g/f's male friends: It is axiomatic for most men that your g/f's male friends would have sex with her if they could, simply to do it. Without evaluating other factors (they would but they like you, they would but they won't help someone cheat, they would but they would be cheating, they would but... something else), there is no trusting other men unless you have an affirmative reason to do so. This is why there are so many posts on here about g/fs hanging with other men - either she doesn't know what people are like, she doesn't care, or she conviently enjoys lying to herself.

So yeah, there are many views on this, this being only two, but I think Chris Rock has a good one on this topic too. My view is that I'll always be sexually attracted to attractive women, but if I was in love or in a relationship, I wouldn't act on those feelings because I would have something that is more valuable. It's that moment when you don't see your relationship as valuable that things tend to go wrong.

cake and eat it too - sucks to be the cake.

Drag me out of bed

"In a Democracy, people get the kind of government they deserve." - Winston Churchill

Ok, now it is time to stop feeling like crap and move on with life. So hard not to be pissed off. The Daily Mirror from England put it well, "How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" I would have never guessed that hating gays and values would rank above the economy and terrorism. It totally blows my mind. Jon Stewart put it best, when he said that the state most affected by terrorism (NYC) and who has the most gays, voted for Kerry, but the red states, who have nothing to terrorize, somehow felt it was their place to say how we should be safer. A pro-life party who is willing to send thousands of young poor Americans to die for a war that was not necessary, kills retarded people and lets AK47s get back on the streets. We offered to take your mess and clean it up, but now you can't blame inheriting anything on your problems. Ok, now I'm going to focus my energy back on school where it should be. Let's see how that transition goes.

I have been playing online poker and for a while I was doing pretty well. I was on a good run of winning about 50 bucks a day and quitting. Well now I am on a terrible run of luck. I am losing with pocket KK and pocket AA. I think I gamble when I'm depressed and it just makes it worse. Maybe transferring balances around to get lower interest rates today didn't help out much.

Don't you sometimes wish you had a stranger friend...a person that didn't know you at all, couldn't judge you, that you talk to and ask advice from without worrying that they willl form an opinion about you. I have good friends that don't judge, but sometimes I want the advice of a stranger, a person that doesn't know me or my friends. I guess I worry too much about being consistent I forget about being true to myself.

The OC is back, but I think I missed some episodes from last season, so I was pretty lost. I'm sure the addiction will resurface once again. Sherk 2 is coming out tomorrow, I think I'm going out to buy it. I've missed the last two weeks of smallville as well, my tv watching habits are going down the drain.

I used to really like that song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. I remember how a girlfriend I had from high school told me she liked that song a lot too, but that she felt very sorry for the ex-girlfriend in the song (the girl he prayed every night for God to make her his) because she felt the song was fair to that girl. I always found it interesting that she ended up becoming that girl. I heard the song today and thought about that.

So Angie is going to take care of a sick dying cat for her friend. The cat is named Joe and is a 2 months old I think. She has to feed it every 4 hours, give it shots, and put drops in its eyes every 2 hours. Did I mention the cat is blind too? That is dedication to keep the cat alive. Plus she has to take care of it for almost 3 weeks. It will be interesting to see how this works out, especially since she starts a new job on Monday.

I do miss the taste of strawberry shortcake

Another 4 Years

"The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough." -Bede Jarrett The House of Gold

I was wrong. My faith in America was not restored. We lost Florida and Ohio. I feel bad for all those new minority voters that came out to vote and found out that maybe they can't make a difference. It is going to be hard to energize them to vote again in 4 years. I really believed we would take this country back from a party that cares more about corporations, oil, the rich and overly religous right. Like I said, I was wrong. At least in 2000 I didn't know what to expect, I felt bad for Gore and was clearly outraged by the Supreme Court decision, but I didn't expect things to turn out like they did. Now I know what to expect, with control of the senate and the presidency, now the Republicans are going to get everything they have every wanted. I fear for women's rights (abortion), affirmative action, minumum wage, anti-discrimination laws, immigration, the separation of church and state, a bad approach to win the war in Iraq, the rights of gays, and the future of our poor. I am happy that 48% of Americans did vote for a change, which means that there is room to keep fighting. Where did these republicans come from? I know they had more money, but I thought hard work would counter that, I guess not. I am upset Mel Martinez won, his campaign was more dirty than I have ever seen in my life, but I guess the people in Florida didn't care. If healing means becoming republican, then what kind of compromise is that.

I feel pretty down, I'll probably use today to mope and get over it tomorrow. I don't know if it is time to jump ship from the democratic party and join Ralph Nader or to stick with a party whose base is much larger and might have a chance in 2008. Hopefully Hillary will make a good candidate. So I just slept and didn't want to wake up. I finally got up and went to see a movie with Angie so that I could think about something other than the election. If anyone has seen shark, was Jack Black supposed to be gay? It was a funny cartoon, but Sherk 2 is still my favorite. I can't wait until it comes out on dvd Friday. Though the distraction was nice, this feeling will probably linger for some time.

Nothing like a broken heart to get over a broken heart

Election Day

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Looking at all the people and their signs, I think about the election of 1860. This was quite the presidential election between Lincoln, Douglas, Breck and Bell. Bell actually wins this election, though History might tell you that Lincoln won and freed the slaves or something or other. What I learned as a campaign manager for Bell was that when people campaign, they become ruthless assholes. At first its just motivation and enjoyment of cheering for your side, but as time goes on and the stakes increase, they become angry and really start to hate the other side. There was this one girl who I thought was the sweetest thing and watching her become a total bitch really threw me off. I later saw her become this way during a game of Taboo, which tells you that people show their true colors when it comes to competition. So as I walk around and see these Bush idiots, I get really angry and I see their anger. My anger is motivated in where Bush has taken our country, their anger is about wanting to win. Looking at the jerks outside the polling place (on both sides) makes me want to go and counter them, but I worry I'll become one of them.

I saw P.Diddy on CNN this morning, what an idiot. He was talking about how the first time he voted was in 2000 and how he was disenfranchise. So Bill Hemmer was like, but you got to vote and your vote counted so how were you disenfranchised? P.Diddy said it was because politicians don't care about the young and minority vote, and it made him feel ba.d or something. I hate it when people use words they don't understand, i.e. disenfranchise, and I hate it more when what they do (he get out to vote or die drive) means they should know what that word means. I have said the same about Andre 3000 or whatever his name is, he never voted before either, why are these guys role models for voting. How about people that actually care, people that actually vote.

Juan voted today in NYC. He is proud because he kept his position of voting for Bush. We gave him hundreds of reasons not to vote for Bush and yet he felt it was more important to stick to his stance right or wrong rather than evaluate new information and change. I am proud he voted since it was his first time since becoming a citizen, but if an intelligent person like Juan can be blinded by what is happening in the world, how can I say that all those other Bush supporters are misguided. Hopefully NY goes to Kerry and it won't matter, but its still one more popular vote for the republicans. Jorge has stated he will vote for Nader, a position I don't agree with, but I respect so much more than Juan's. Then again, who I am to be the judge on these people and their votes, well its my page so I guess I can do what I want.

Fed and Jane are working for the election protection group, Angie is working at her non-profit and the Kerry campaign and I'm here at school. I will probably regret not being active enough, but I have my open memo re-write due today. I guess I just don't think that holding a sign is going to be much help this late in the game, and I didn't do election protection training, so I shouldn't be bothering around the polls. I probably could of given rides, but I have a truck and one person at a time wouldn't be much help. Excuses excuses I guess, but I voted which is what is important.

this is sort of equivalent