This is one of those trips home where I am really going to miss leaving. Usually it is bittersweet and I am excited about leaving, but this time I felt so relaxed and comfortable that going back to be alone on the East Coast seems a bit scary. I know I'll get back into the groove of things in no time and I do have some great distractions once I arrive as well. I really do think you appreciate home more when you are away because I know if I lived there I'd probably not view it as wonderful since the daily stress of life would be more important to me than the big picture of seeing my family. It was a break that not only enjoyed, but needed as well.
Today is a big day for me, I finally got my own website name. http://www.martinalaniz.com/. I figured it is probably a good idea to own my own name and since I have a website already, I might as well just use that one. The drawback is any shred of anonymity I might of had before, is now totally gone. I figure I won't worry about it too much and if I happen to upset people, well at least I'll know it wasn't intentional or if it was, then there must of been a reason. If you think about it, what I write is just a small snapshot of some of my thoughts, but I'd hate for people I don't see too often, like family or friends I don't keep in touch with to judge me exclusively by what I say. Then again, I don't worry too much because I enjoy writing this crap cause it lets me vent and my own little form of therapy.
I'm going to start at the end and work backwards. This flight experience to Florida sucks, and I know travel horror stories are plentiful and boring to hear, but mine is just sucky, not the worst, but right now I'm not enjoying it much. First off, I get sick. I am hopped up on all kinds of over the counter drugs and it feels like it makes no difference. I went to the corner store to get meds cause I felt too sick to travel the vast aisles of walmart and I didn't know what to get of my marked up selections. In the end I just got what was most expensive since common sense might reason that it costs more because it is better. I know this is faulty logic, but I feel like I do it a lot as a consumer. So I was so sick that I got pulled over by a border patrol agent prior to going through security. He asked me if I was an American citizen, a question I took my time to answer and gave a perplexing "yes?." Then he looks at me and my indifference, not knowing that I want to yell out "house slave, you fucking Mexican house slave" in his face, but I had already been bumped off my first flight and since I had a guest coming to visit, I couldn't risk missing another flight due to giving this guy an extra hard time. He then asks me where I was born after looking at my license. I once again delay and act like I'm thinking and then say the name of the city
I was in, McAllen. He reluctantly let me go, but next time I tell you, my answer will be "que?" and then "si!" I know he is doing his job and all, but though I understand the need for border patrol, I feel that their abuses go unnoticed and seem justified to people since they view Mexicans as less than people. I guess anyone of color has less worth, something that society instills in us that we either ignore and feel good about feeling equal, or see and try to at least make people be honest about it. I then walked throught the metal detector with my phone in my pocket, I was sleepy.
Ok, well back to the Texas part of the story. The end of my visit was nice. I went to Harlingen with my nieces, Bekkah and Jamie and my mother to see my grandparents. Their ionic breeze I got them seems to be working well. We did the usual thing and went out to eat and talked a bit. As much as I enjoy talking to my grandparents, the language barrier keeps me from getting into really in depth conversations, ones I wish I could have before they pass away. I guess that will only add to my motivation to increase my language skills, so by next Christmas hopefully I will be closer to that.
My younger sister Eliza invited me over for dinner. She cooked enchiladas and rice for me, my mom and older sister. Eliza is known for her great rice, something I still don't know how to make. The meal was great, and I hadn't had enchiladas at all on my trip, and them being one of my favorite foods, I was very happy to have them. It did make me think of how Vero used to make them for me when I was down, so it was nice of Eliza to remember that and kind of pick up where she left off. Eliza is living in a very nice apartment, much nicer than I had expected. I had wanted her to move back in with my mom, but after looking at her nice place I can see what it would be hard to give that up. I hope though that she can see that paying rent on a place is not owning it and that it is in her best interests to work until the end of the summer, then quit, move in with my mom and finish up school. She doesn't have the motivation for it right now, especially since you have to compare it with working where you not only get positive validation for a job well done, but also a paycheck that helps you feel independent. Whereas in school, she sees 2 long years ahead, with classes she might not do well in and no clear picture of what she would want to do after. So she is picking the short run over the bigger picture...and I agree that in the short run her plan of action might be fulfilling, but she knows there is no future in it, she knows that no matter how hard she works there will be a ceiling, that 30,000 will be the salary she will work up to after many many years of work not much harder than that she would end up doing with a degree. She might think she can live off of something like that, but I think goals are important, and she needs to find the self worth in herself to know she is worth more and have higher goals for herself. I know lectures won't work, nor will trying to pressure her to make this decision until she decides it for herself. Somehow though, I feel like if she doesn't start in the fall, then the road will not only be uphill as it already is, but circumstances will make it even more difficult, the circumstances of which I don't know yet, but in life they always come up.
I saw the movie Meet the fockers. I wasn't too much of a fan of Meet the parents, though I did find it funny, I found it hard to watch. The fockers on the other hand I really enjoyed. It really hits your deep rooted childhood mindset where you think everyone else's family is perfect and yours is so abnormal or dysfunctional. It has the good old "be yourself" message. It had a few good laughs, but I would recommend it as a rental never the less.
Imagine this, a $900 vacuum, only one room with carpet and a good salesman. I guess you can sell ice to an Eskimo. Then the vacuum doesn't even work and you don't raise hell.
The day before I left I spent some time with my father, just shooting the shit and then we drove over to his property so that I could see the progress he has made. This is a cool thing about going home, I can see his house get more and more built. The framing for the roof is now going up and I think in a few months he should have a roof. Once that is done, I think he will really be able to start working on the inside and it will begin to take more shape. I was happy to see that all the walls were up and that progress was still being made.
For whatever reason I had not gone to visit my sister Vero in the cemetery. I felt like I talked to her enough when I prayed, when I write on my website and during that day that I didn't have the need to go, but there is still something about being at the place where your sister was laid to rest. Now let me tell you something, my sister died almost 2 years ago and would you believe that my fucking brother-in-law "Jaime Castro from Edinburg Texas"(hope you pick this up google), has yet to still buy a tombstone for his deceased wife. It really makes my blood boil. Because he was the husband he is the only one who can purchase the stone and he won't let us do it. I have not talked to him since the funeral and if it weren't for my nieces who I love very much and don't want to jeopardize not getting to see, we would probably be more proactive about reminding him of what a disgraceful asshole you have to be to leave my sister's resting place pretty much unmarked. It was almost 5am and I went to visit Vero and I couldn't find it. It is sad that I have to look for other people's tombstones, just to find out where she is buried. I told my nieces that all I wanted from their family for Christmas or ever was for him to finally buy the stone, hell we'll even pay for it, all he has to do is give us legal permission to put one there, but the bastard just lives at home under his mom's control doing nothing about this. He told his girls that he was going to order one and then later said it wasn't the right time. Really, am I irrational here, I mean 2 fucking years, seriously man, but he is the father of the two girls who I see not only as nieces, but as little sisters so our hands are tied. I do feel ashamed for not fighting harder, but from a distance it is easier to be mad and not do anything then to be close and have to risk the shaky relationship we have which lets us see the girls every 2 weeks or so. Really, I can't think of a legitimate reason and if he did indeed have one, you'd think he would share it, you know so I could tell him how stupid he is to think anything is more important.
I've been doing ok playing poker, but I know I have a long way to go. I want to learn to play more aggressively, but it is hard when playing against new players because they will call anything, even with crap cards and it of course ends up on bad beats for me. The two times I played I got to the final showdown with Rick heads up. Both times I lost, which means that I need to learn a good heads up game cause that is the barrier between me and the money. I hope to keep up my study and practice of poker, but I just haven't found anyone here that plays much. I don't want to hang out in the casinos because I'm not that good yet and would rather get my practice in on a home game. Also, my online games are gonna start costing me soon.
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