On Faith

“Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.” - Steven Weinberg

Disclaimer: This is very personal in a way and it took me a long time to decide to write my thoughts about this. I admit it isn't a lot of original thought or ground breaking revelations. It is much longer than I thought it would be. Mainly because I patched different writings I had drafted over time together and hence some of the repetition. It isn't meant to offend or attack anyone one in particular. It is just one point of view. Live and let live I try to do, but I needed to put some of my thoughts on paper more so for myself and to face what I've left on the back burner for so long. These words only scratch the surface and more resemble rambling in tangents than any coherent argument.

My transition from a Catholic to just a Christian and eventually an Agnostic has been a frustrating one in one sense and a liberating one in another. I live in a personal world surrounded by well meaning Christians, family and friends a like, but also in a rational world where people have to play by the rules of reality. I understand the role religion plays in people's lives and in no way would I want to take that away from anybody. It gives people hope, comfort and meaning. Answers to questions they don't understand. Certainty in times of crisis. The very beliefs themselves lead to the courage to pursue many dreams and recognize the blessings that happen in our lives. But if it were that simple, then I'd just buy in and what would be the harm? Religion also limits people, makes them prey to charlatans, lets them justify things that are not rational and are sometimes evil. Makes some people self righteous and judgmental. Fosters hyprocricy and self serving interpretations of their faith. The issue is complicated to say the least.

I grew up with religion being a huge part of my life, though my family wouldn't call it religion, but faith. I was lucky enough to not be in a strict guilt driven dogmatic Catholic family, but in a very Jesus is love type atmosphere. I was blessed for not having the wrath of God and sin and hell being used repeatedly as strong scare tactics. My mom and her sisters had a strong faith in God and never let me forget it. How many times can you be told that Jesus is your Lord and Savior before starting to take offense that they must think you didn't get that or any of the other messages they loved to share with you each time they saw you? When the advice you get to all of life's problems is to pray and have faith, you tend to do that first before you even ask for advice, but somehow that is still the same advice you get anyway as if it ended there.

It wasn't too bad learning about stories of Jesus at the same time I believed in the tooth fairy and the magic of Santa. It was all amazing stuff and as a child a very enticing fanciful world. The problem for me came from asking questions about it. It wasn't that it was forbidden, it was just that it showed a lack of faith and indignation. In my opinion, there were also never any answers. They always came down to feeling the holy spirit and having faith. It is hard to disagree with a person who is so passionate, yet it never added up for me. As a child I saw that Christianity was divided into so many sects that I didn't understand how they could be wrong and right at the same time. I asked what the difference between Catholics and Baptists and Methodists, etc were and I was just told that all that mattered was the Bible and believing in the word of the Lord and that Jesus can see what is in your heart. I had to deal with the contradictory message that if you sinned you risked going to hell and the message that everyone can be saved and goes to heaven. I say this because every time I asked if a certain person probably went to hell, I was told that only God would know that. Well of course, but I was just told that if I didn't follow certain rules or commandments then I risked going, so there were rules I thought. In their effort to not be damnation type of Christian, I quickly saw that nothing was consistent and every question was referred back to the word of God (Bible) and God's love. It was like trying to understand Jello, a teaching where the goal posts always seemed to be moving and it was my fault for not keeping up. So I just took the good, ignored the bad (ie most of the old Testament) and lived my life with a strong faith in God, but a deep dislike for people who preached to me and thought they understood God's message. I resented going to Vacation Bible school and did not like going to Church. True, being lazy was involved, but I did not gain much from it because I didn't fully buy into the premise. Luckily, while I was in my early teens my mom switched from the Catholic church to a string of non-denominational churches before settling on the one that she has been going to for decades. I decided to stay Catholic and protest attending her church and was then I was somewhat free from the indoctrination for the rest of my life.

So I went through my life as a non-practicing Catholic, cafeteria to the extent I used the name. I would not take communion after making my first, because I did not believe in confession and respected the rules. I excommunicated myself early. It was more a cultural thing to me than a spiritual one. The more I learned about religion and read the Bible and heard others talk about it, I knew that this group of people did not represent me. Christians generally, not Caltholics. People like Benny Hinn asking for money on TV, and generally watching how many people's words did not match up to their actions. I judge people not on their faith, but how they live their lives. I know some adamant Christians who live lives that I not only admire and respect, but aspire to, but I also have seen so many scripture spitting people whose lives I do not find Christian-like in the least. The problem is that the people who I admire are not limited to only Christians, but also include other faiths and those people seem to be few and far between. My faith of course would not be dependent on the fact that so many people can be ignorant and hateful.

When I meet a person, I do not care about your words or your magic you can swear faith to, but I only care about your actions. The things you do to make the world a better place, the way you live your life and who you are as a person. Going on and on about Satan and demons which I'm told are very real doesn't help me at all. Saying those same Christian talking points over and over do not give me peace, but only show me that you believe these things.

Another thing I have to say is that culturally I still feel I'm a Christian, the same way that culturally I'm still a Catholic. It was an important part of my life, true or not. This doesn't mean that I really believe that any of it is factual, but it is just part of the community that I live in. At the same time I identify with being Christian, in no way so I identify with the religious right.


We get to the issue that if there really is this divine being, I really feel they would forgive me for coming to the most logical conclusion considering the evidence in front of me, that I just don't know. The facts in front of me are so contradictory and outlandish that it does not deserve my devotion and blind faith in believing those tenets. I think it clear by all the factions in one religion that there is no agreement. If these rules are as important as they sad to be, then it matters what faction you pick. If it is not that important, then those rules can't be true. I believe that if the Lord knows your heart, then he would probably respect accepting that I don't have the answers rather than claiming certainty. My God just wouldn't be so insecure and vain as to need and want my worship in exchange for love.

There are certain religions where it is just clear to many that they are completely made up. Scientology is bullshit as are Mormons some would say. I mean the latter to my understanding has the garden of Eden being located in Missouri, is predominately white people from Utah and Idaho and just got the divine intervention that let them accept blacks in 1979. I don't mean to slander, it could be true I don't know, but man is it fanciful. At least it is rooted in Christianity, but Scientology, hell its based on a science fiction book and the majority of people find that to be comical, that most of us can agree on. They both can't be right. On Mormonism, I don't understand the religion as in depth as I would wish I will admit, but I will say it has some of the most devoted followers I've met. The people I have met in my life that were Mormon where always so smart, educated and good moral people. That might say a lot about the Church and the people in it, but nothing about the religion being factual. Culturally though, this group has done really well for themselves, and morally on some issues they are commendable and well in my opinion on other issues the stance the church takes are morally reprehensible. I think that if you apply the same standards you use to look at other faiths to your own and it just can't hold water. So to easily brush aside a religion out of hand, means I should take that same type of look to my own.

There are all these people of strong faith and they all disagree, yet are all so sure of themselves. I'd love to be in a room with a Jehovah Witness, a Evangelical, a Baptist and a Catholic all debating on the correct way to go to heaven. If it doesn't truly matter which faith you choose, then the dogma they teach you, that differs must not be correct. In theory, in my example, at least 3 of those are completely wrong about their dogma and teaching and this isn't small stuff, it is about how you enter the kingdom of heaven. That is kind of a big deal, or it should be. It just highlights the point that we don't really know and wanting to know and having faith you know are not the same.

The one thing I did know as I was on my spiritual journey was that although it is either evolutionarily within me or part of my early Christian indoctrination, but I have a belief in God. That said, everything else, I just don't know. It is easy to prove so many things being contradictory, self serving, and false, but it doesn't change that fact that I don't know. Hearing other people talk to me like they do know, just insults me. I mean, the very act of questioning and having doubt is viewed as a lack of faith. I get miracles thrown in my face all the time as if that somehow explains why I should believe that Leviticus is the word of God, yet somehow we don't have to follow it because Jesus fixed that. I digress.

I'll say again, that I'll always believe in a God, that is something I can't move past. It is probably built into my brain. Now I fight with that, and I know I'll get an answer (or non answer) once I cease to exist. But to go around saying I know what God says or I know what the rules of the game are, considering how they have changed so much, not even just over the centuries, but over the decades. I still catch myself praying all the time, it brings me comfort, but in no way proves that what I was taught is gospel truth. (Like how I used gospel there?)

I also find it frustrating when you are trying to figure something out in life and people just default to their spirituality as the answer. For me it is just giving up, the lazy way out. God will provide I'm told, but somehow only because I'm special since clearly there are people in much greater need. This of course I have to understand as something I don't understand because God works in mysterious ways. Maybe that was the point all along. If I need help trying to study for a test, I'm not just going to put it in God's hands or pray about it, I'm going to try to do proactive actions to fix the problem. If God wants to help or bless me, I'd be happy, but its just so lazy to go around answering everything with God will provide. Christians love the story of the man on the roof during the flood and each time a person comes to save him he says that God will come. When the man drowns, God tells him he sent multiple people to save him. It is a great story about taking your life into your own hands and being proactive.

Speaking of stories, the answers and responses I get from Christians are taking points I've heard so many times over it frustrates me to hear them. There are just lines that people love to use. "You are telling me we came from monkeys? We were made in God's image." I was once explained how the scientific theory of evolution was flawed because of the complexity of the human eye as if it was a thoughtful insight, not just one of the points debunked from the creationist book About Humans and Pandas. There is an amazing documentary I recommend on the Dover School case on PBS NOVA. http://video.pbs.org/search/Dover This is just another example that proves that what people take as faith can have no basis in reality and still be believed in like gospel. (once again, I find it awesome that gospel can be used for truth.)


There are also many things in life that are out of our control. We all have to accept that. How do we feel like we have some semblance of control? We pray and ask others to pray for us. Now I understand the peace that praying brings a person, but from what I have read it has been proven to make no improvement in medical status (unless the person knows they are being prayed for). And then you get your prayer group together, you pray and honor the Lord and by chance things turn out badly. Well it was God's plan, so you just accept it. Well then why were you praying in the first place against his plan? It was God's plan and your praying for God to follow his own plan isn't going to make him do so, since he is doing so already. Bad = God's plan. Good = Prayer helped and God's plan. (Good = not God's plan, but he changed his mind due to your prayer. This is one you don't hear often, but seems inferred.) I know more than anyone the peace and comfort prayer brings and the few times your wishes comes true how it makes you feel like your prayers were answered. You also accept the times they did not come true as it being out of your control. I worry talking about prayer because I personally believe that praying has benefits that can be proven, but they in my opinion have a lot more to do with psychology and state of mind than magical intervention. I would not want to discourage anyone from praying, since I still do, but you can use it an example on proving that your Good Shepard teachings and beliefs are therefore correct.

People should believe what they want and faith has inspired people to do such wonderful things, but it is also something that in the hands of ignorant people frustrates me and has caused much harm in history. I think everyone understands many examples of this. From increasing the spread of AIDs in Africa by moving to abstinence only education programs, and for the same reasons that we have more teen moms in more religious states then in others. We deny people the right to marry because of interpretations of the Bible (ie interracial), and we use the parts that suit us and ignore the parts that don't suit it as well. The political right has used the Bible but not the parts I really like focusing on helping the poor but, parts which are non-violent to justify war, parts that oppress women to well oppress women. So many good messages in the book and even those are put aside so we can only focus on abortion. And don't get me started on the mixture of religion and nationalism, which I find horrendous as I would hope we were all God's children around the globe.

It is easy to see how radical Islamic people of such strong faith committing acts of terror are in the wrong, but I worry because it takes that kind of irrational thinking and faith in a man's interpretation of words thousands of years old to make such destruction and hurt innocent people. Religions can make good people do terrible things and helps some bad people do worse things.

I remember thinking growing up that I was just so lucky to be born into the right faction of the right religion that has the answers of what God really wants and what we need to do to have good things happen after we die. You know to be in the correct demonmination of the correct faith. It is just mathematically unfeasble but hey, maybe I was so lucky, but when I sit down look at it, I just can't agree. Little did I know when I was older the question wouldn't be which faith, but religion or no religion.

Now people always wonder where you can get your sense of morality if not from God. There are books written on this topic by expects, but I did not get my morals from the Bible. Lessons yes, but there is no way I'm giving up my daughter to be raped to protect an angel. (tell me if I'm misinterpreting that story.) I'm sorry, but my views of what is right and wrong are not based on the Bible, they are based on my personal convictions about being a human being and member of society. I had good parents that thought me right from wrong and in the process of growing up I made my own distinctions. I don't try to not commit sin only because it would upset God, I do it because it is the right thing to do and in my opinion the most healthy way to live my life. You don't need a Bible for morality. Laws maybe, but that is another social contract type discussion for another day.

Don't get me started on the Cameron video asking people if they think they are good people and showing them that they are all sinners and have committed many crimes in their hearts and that if they do not become more hardcore Christians then they risk not being saved or left behind. Bible or no Bible, we do not understand how Santa's naughty list, I mean the heaven or hell score card works and I'd appreciate it if people stopped telling they understand it and using it to threaten me.

Now this isn't a scientific paper on why my beliefs are the best and others are wrong, but just a broad brush stroke on why I identify with being Agnostic rather than believing in my heart that the stories people tell about what it means to be Christian are true. You can throw my misinformation in my face and I admit, I'm probably ignorant on many issues as far as the facts relating to faith, but the bigger questions, those are the ones that make me state that I really don't know.

When people say, "God says..", "God wants,.." all I get is angry, the part of me that believes in God thinks, "What dare you even think you have the right to speak for God. God's words are not your self serving, self placating thoughts that exist in your head." No one person has any more right to speak for God than that next. Anytime a person does so, its just an insult to the true almighty power that God has. You do not know, and if you wanted to say, "I think God would say, ..." fine, but "God wants me to ... (or) God has put .... in my path" are just using God for your own selfish means. God doesn't care who wins football games, but I wouldn't know. Does that mean since they both prayed that God actually cared who won? Does God actually intervene in sports, war or politics? If so, take the good with the bad then, instead of picking what God approves of and what he doesn't. God elected Bush I was told, but not Obama. Such crap.

This is just the way I personally choose to believe, I don't care about going around the world trying to convert the world to believe they don't know either. If you want to believe that your denomination of your religion only gets to go to heaven, that is great. that works for a lot of people. They will live very happy, spiritually fulfilling lives. That is just not the way I want to go. The question is also, how you raise your kids. I definitely want my kids to be well versed in Christianity. I want them to know all the stories, have a firm understanding of the bible, its positive and inspirational messages and also its horrible stories and endless contradictions. Mainly as a tool to understand where everyone else is coming from so that they don't have to worry about being talked down to with the bible, they can see, this is sexist, this is morally inconsistent, this is ok with what? I'm supposed to do what? I'm not going to teach them about Jesus when they learn about Santa, I won't indoctrinate, I'll let them decide for themselves. Spirituality is a person's personal journey and maybe they will take on the religion.

Now there is the phirrah issue. Growing up, people always equated not believing in God with Satanism. Atheist was a bad word having to do with the devil. Questioning made you a bad person, but to not believe made you a terrible person . You were ostracized for being atheist. Everything else is forgiven, but atheism was not, unless you repented of course. Then you are taken in and prayed for. Oh we will pray away the doubt, the questions, the logic. It must be what gays feel like when people try to pray away their demons. We will help you see the light and healing. For me it is just insulting. I could play that same game too, I could become Jehovah Witness tomorrow and pray for your soul to be saved if only you saw the light, this one correct way of believing. I don't have the energy to play the I'm more spiritual than you game. We'll have a prayer war.

Growing up, my dad was always demonized for not being crazy extroverted about his faith. He grew up in the Catholic faith and has stayed true to that to this day. That always bothered me because I knew how strong his faith was. When I was older I sat down with him and talked to him about his faith and pin down his views and I was disappointed that he too believed the dogma, he just wasn't the type that wanted to stand up and dance about feeling the spirit. He was way too religious for my tastes, but somehow still not religious enough for others. Now if he was treated that way and he believes in all this, imagine a person like me who comes out and says that he doesn't buy what you are selling.

I'm coming to terms with being agnostic. I just don't know, but at the same time I can clearly see how a lot of what you say is not true. If you can't be true to yourself and the people around you, what kind of life are you living? I need to be true to myself now.

When I mention the hypocrisy and things that annoy me about certain Christan tactics, it doesn't mean that that is why I choose to be an Agnostic. It is not a reaction to them, but the part of my brain that doesn't understand how the universe works and is OK with that. That wants to life a good life without having to pretend to be something I'm not. This isn't a crisis of faith or being brainwashed by a religion, since I know don't identify with any one. People have told me that I just don't have the balls to be atheist. They make great points and as an Agnostic I think they could be right as well about not believing in a God or a flying spaghetti monster, or unicorns. But I have no reason to be certain and maybe the doubt they could be wrong and there is a God is still too strong inside me. Who am I to say? I'm just one person, but I'm just as qualified as the next to speak on matters of faith and belief.

These of course are my thoughts and feelings at this moment and there are probably contradictory statements and things I got very wrong. Nothing I have said proves that God does not exist, nor would I think it to. I may still have faith about that, but no true logical reason to justify it. That being the case, I'm not going to try to convince others to believe like me. This is everyone's personal journey. This is not meant to offend or to start a debate. It is just my attempt a map on explaining how I got to where I am. That just highlights that fact that I don't know and no amount of preaching and praying for me is going to change the fact that I can't know the unknown and nor will I pretend to.

Lord knows my heart and if he exists, then I'm OK with that. If he doesn't well my heart is my heart and who I was, I'm OK with that too.

30 Years Old

"A man's age is something impressive, it sums up his life: maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves. A man's age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories." -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wartime Writings 1939-1944, translated from French by Norah Purcell

Today I am 3o years old. My twenties are behind me. I've lived three decades and I've entered probably my last decade that will be looked back upon as my youth. My days of being a young man are over and now it is time to step up to the plate. I understand that that today is just another day, but for me my birthdays are truly special. It is like the day is mine. I always have high expectations for my birthday and look forward to it during the year. It is a day that has not lost its magic to me.

I tend to follow the same routines during the holidays and for my birthday. This year followed the same outline, but it was still uniquely different. I went out with Abram, Rick and Jerry on the night of the 26th. We went to Roosevelts and had a few beers and caught up on life and what not. At midnight I turned 30 and we all took a round of beer shots. I'm lucky to have good friends to surround myself with and who are there for me.

After, we went downtown and headed to this bar called the District. That is when the drinking picked up and an hour before last call my friend Christina dropped by. I celebrated to the best of my ability. There were parts of the night that were really great. I even ran into old friends.

The next morning, I fought past my headache and got ready to go to lunch for my birthday. For some reason, I like to go to Red Lobster with my family for my birthday. I guess it reminds me of when I was little and we used to go to a restaurant called Bonanza and I would get to order a steak. My family doesn't eat out much and it is one of the few times during the year when we all go out to eat together. It is a tradition I cherish. We also use the occasion to celebrate my father's birthday, the 26th, and this time my sister's new house.

After lunch, I decided to head up back to Austin to spend the rest of my birthday. As much as I hate wasting 5 hours of my day on the road, it was time to come home and I wanted to go have a drink with my friend Oscar who shares my birthday. From the stories I heard, he had an eventful birthday as well. I went downtown and hung out with him and his girlfriend for a while. I enjoy our conversations. We drank until the minutes ticked away and it was no longer our birthday. It was a fitting ending to the day. Add to that the Cowboys making the playoffs and there is reason to be grateful. My new year always starts a few days early.

This is what I have been thinking about the most on my birthday, my sister Veronica. She passed away in 2003 at the age of 29. Now I am 30 and my older sister is younger than me if that makes sense. She was my older sister and I always saw her as more mature and adult like, a grown up. I understood at the time that she died way too young, but how young she truly was is hitting me now that I have surpassed her age. I am now older than her and I feel like I am just starting my life. I don't have any of the answers. It just really put the loss in a different perspective. In my mind, she was married, had kids, she was an adult, but the truth was that she was still so young and just finding her way in life. She had all the same questions about what life had in store for her that I have now. Emotionally, she was probably no more mature than I am, though in her defense, she might have me beat on that one. I feel moreso like everyday I have now is a day she didn't get. This just makes it that much more real. Add to that the fact she never got to celebrate her turning 30 moment and that she isn't here to celebrate this day with me and its a lot to deal with. I will always think of her and her absence this Christmas was felt as strongly as it was the first Christmas after her passing.

I hope to make this a special year. A good friend of mine told me that 30 has been one of his best years so far, so I look forward with promise and hope. I'll be one more year closer to being the man I want to be.

Here are my flickr photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157622960082449/

I didn't need that, not on that night

Christmas 2009

“The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Christmas time is generally most people's favorite time of year. I read that it is also the most depressing part of year, probably because there is so much expectation and comparatively, reality is somewhat of a let down. I would still say it is still personally my favorite part of the year, hype or no hype. In contrast, New Years is the holiday where I always feel I should be more excited about than I usually am, but that is a whole other story.

In older thoughts, last week Abram and I went to see AVATAR in IMAX 3D. Neither of us had been to an IMAX before and this was the perfect movie to start. It was quite the cinematic experience. The graphics were the most incredible thing I had ever seen. I think I'm going to watch more IMAX films in the future. I enjoyed the movie very much and recommend that if you are going to see it, watch it in 3D at the least. The plot was fine enough, but the techonological advances were great. Here is a funny YouTube video. Avatar: The Making of the Bootleg

I think the best Christmas gift of all is that my younger sister Eliza and her husband Gil purchased their first home. It was an ordeal and took a lot of sacrifice, but her and her husband are very proud home owners. I'm very proud of them and could not wait to see the house. It was truly a blessing. It is something I'll remember about this Christmas. My nieces Victoria and Celeste are really happy.

Ok, here is my Christmas run down:

The plan was to go home to the Valley for Christmas. I worked until 4pm on Tuesday the 23rd and planned to drive home to the Valley soon after. When I got home I found out my dog Max got in a fight with another dog and was bleeding. I didn't know what to do, so I stayed with him and applied pressure to the wound for a few hours to make sure the bleeding stopped. It was enough to worry, but not enough to think he was going to die. When Abram got home from work, he packed the dogs up, including Max now that he was feeling better and drove them down to the Valley. I was very tired at this point, it was much later than I had planned and I didn't feel like driving late at night. I decided to stay and went to sleep in my own bed here in Austin and left for the Valley on the morning of the 24th. Max is doing a lot better, but I wouldn't say completely out of the woods. I hope the vet can figure it out.

When I got home I had some tamales and menudo. Such a great meal to get home to. I spent time with my parents and later my sister Ana came over. We opened a few presents since it used to be our tradition to open all our presents on Christmas eve, but we now open them on Christmas day because people seem to spend the eve with their other families. I had bought my mom a watch she really liked, but Abram won the day by getting her an awesome exercise bike she had been wanting. We all watched a movie and had general family time.

Christmas day was when I got to see my sister Eliza's new house. We helped her move the left over items from her apartment into her new home. I was very impressed with the home. I'm a big fan of the granite counters and the jacuzzi bath tub. The ceilings are high and I also liked the type of wood that was used for the cabinets and doors. It was a good choice.

After helping move and general oohing and ahhing, we had dinner at my Mom's house. Everyone was together and it was nice. Even my nieces Bekkah and Jamie were able to make it. The presents were opened and enjoyed. There are some years when I'm an allstar gift giver. This year was not one of those years. I did my best, but I created a pretty high standard for myself in the past that I didn't even dare compete with. Christmas isn't really that much about the gifts anymore anyway and since I tend to buy things I want, I've never had that expectation I had as a kid.

At night, Abram and I went downtown to have a few drinks at a bar where Abram's friend Elaine works. It was a very classy bar and I liked it a lot. We had a great time chatting it up and even meeting some new friends. It is always nice when a place is closing down and the night goes by so fast. It was fun sharing lots of my investment theories with people as well. Very fun night.

Here are my Christmas pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157622960153051/

the gift of letting go

21st

Koki's favorite day.

I'll Eat You Up

"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." - George Bernard Shaw

I finally got to see the movie version of Where the Wild Things Are. I had plans to see it long ago, but they ended up being side tracked and delayed. I didn't hear great reviews about the film, but I did enjoy watching the film adaptation of one of my favorite short stories. Of course it could have been better. Visually it was definitely worth it for me. Watching those characters come to life was stunning. Plot wise, I felt very confused through most of the movie and only the moments when I noticed the references to lines from the book would I really cheer up. I don't think watching it without reading book would make much sense. Here is the text of the President reading the book to kids on Easter. Oh another thing I was thinking was that I enjoyed the trailer much more than the movie. Even watching it after made me feel good. It really feels more like the book. Here it is for your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM

Here are my plans for the Christmas break. I work until Wednesday the 23rd. Then I plan to drive down the Valley to spend Christmas with my family. I'll probably stay past my birthday on the 27th when I turn 30 years old. It is a milestone, but birthdays are not big events for me. I'll write an entry on that soon. Most likely I'll return to Austin on the 28th or so and take that entire week off of work for vacation. That week is my favorite part of the holidays. I should figure out my plans for new years as well.

The movie Avatar came out this week. I'm very excited about watching it. I've decided I'm going to watch it in IMAX 3D. It will be my first IMAX movie ever. I'm not excited about the crowds, but hopefully I'll be back here sharing my experience about it pretty soon. It is completely sold out in Austin, so I'm going to have to go to San Antonio to go and see it.

If you own a TV or computer I'm sure you have been inundated with Tiger Woods gossip (news?). Each day it seems to get less and less interesting. I read this opinion piece in the Statesman about Tiger Woods and felt that it summed up a lot of my feelings on the topic, The wrong role for celebrities by Rhonda Swan. The highlights I related to were:

There probably are more people who can name the number of women who shamelessly have admitted to bedding Tiger than can name the number of amendments to the U.S. Constitution (27), the number of representatives in the U.S. House (435), or the number of the health care reform bill (HR 3590) the Senate is debating. I get that these numbers aren't sexy, but they represent things that have a hell of a lot more meaning to our daily lives.

I would tell the children who have looked to Tiger as a role model to use him as model for how to play golf, not how to live their lives. I would tell the children that athletes are to be admired for their skills but are not always good examples off the course, the court or the field. That they should choose role models who have characteristics that inspire them to become the best person they can be. And that, more often than not, they won't find those people on a TV or movie screen.

Whenever the media talk of role models, it's always about someone famous and usually an athlete. They are role models by default because everyone knows their name.

The people who really make a difference in the world — parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, mentors, volunteers and social workers, for example — rarely get the spotlight.

Tiger is a great role model for how to be the best player in the world at golf. Look at what he has done. On the other hand, he is probably not the best role model on being a husband, but if you are taking your relationship cues from people on TV, then you should probably rethink your approach. This scandal has been media catnip, especially on the internet. I think it highlights the point that people cheat. They don't stop because it is the right to do, but most likely because they are caught. Some don't even change then. People are as faithful as their options. When you see that stats about infidelity it makes you wonder. I've seen older numbers as low as 20% of men and 16% of women cheat in their marriage to estimates that 30-60% of all married people will cheat on their spouse. Then you have to assume that for some people they might not have a lot of options, so you don't know if it is an opportunity issue. And that is marriage, imagine just regular relationships. Also, this leaves out the stats on divorce. The bigger point is that it makes you wonder what the best way to deal with the issue is. Pre-nup? I understand having trust and knowing a person really well, but the stats make clear that many people who take that route are just putting their heads in the sand. I guess one can only hope that the person you meet is different and special and that it is better to have hope than to be jaded. For me, I'm done with the Tiger news, but it doesn't mean that the issue he is dealing with isn't one I'll one day confront.

When I think back about relationships in my life, I look at how I have changed and how I see myself. I always thought that in order to be ready for commitment I needed to prove myself as a man. I never felt good enough for anyone or ready to commit until I proved I could give them everything I wanted for them. I worked most of my life proving that I was the one, yet ironically in the effort leaving most people behind. I didn't care that most men I saw were absent fathers or creating broken homes with no means to support a family. Why did they not feel the same mandate to prove themselves that I imposed upon myself? Even when relationships ended and people moved on, I knew I was better than any new person, but I still had to prove this to myself. Over time I proved to myself that I was better than them by trying to make more of myself. It didn't really matter at that point because those relationships were only memories from the past when I finally got to the point where I felt worthy for them. And the truth is, there will always be men in this world that are probably more worthy, can provide more and are even more emotionally compatible. It was a fool's errand I was on. There are times I wish I knew from the beginning that I was always worthy, that I didn't need to go off on my own personal journey to achieve my goals alone and that sometimes you can let people join you on that journey. As flawed as the rationale for my journey's path may have been, I'm actually happy where I ended up. There are many alternate realities I didn't pursue, but the one I did has helped me understand myself the best. I can't honestly say I pine over anything I may have lost, though that doesn't mean I don't miss it or think about it. Maybe I need to realize there is a part of me that doesn't want to commit, that doesn't trust myself with other people because I give up control over my own emotions. Nevertheless, I catch myself now, even after being past what I thought I needed to be worthy, still wanting more, thinking until I have more will I be ready. The truth is, until I'm where I want to be personally, I don't want to be ready. This is not a waiting for the right person thing. This is not a being too picky thing or not settling thing. This is a balancing act between the need to be free and polyamorous against the comfort and security one gets from true commitment. Right now I'm leaning towards for the former and I can live with that.

I'm all over the map today. This healthcare bill in Congress has got me in knots. I've tried to talk less about politics this year since its not an election year, but this bill is important to me. It should go unsaid that I'm a progressive who thinks that healthcare should be a right and not just a privilege for those with money. I do not feel safe in our current system, where if I break my leg I'll be ok because my premiums have more than paid for it, but if I got a life threatening disease, even with insurance I'll be out of luck. I'll be thrown off the rolls for a variety of reasons (including just making the insurance unaffordable for my company) and I'll be left to fend for myself even after playing by the rules. Greed has to be regulated when it hurts people. Now I understand some of the conservatives concerns about the healthcare bill and the ones that are not lies, for me are trade offs that surpass my cost benefit analysis. I hate that the Democrats have given away everything and have gotten nothing in return. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good they told us when they started with single payer (medicare for all) already off the table. Then they compromised everything away. Now look were we are:

-no single payer (universal healthcare)
-no public option (compromise)
-no medicare buy in (compromise)

- no importation of drugs (compromise)
jenga!!!! Now they tell us again not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good, but what good is left? Any good that came from the bill I trusted couldn't be worked around because of the threat of competition. Now there will be no true competition. Then add a mandate to that. I'll take a mandate if you give me an affordable option I can trust is not exploiting me for excessive profits. Right now, if any real insurance choice isn't offered then the mandate should be dropped. I'm torn, but I think they should kill the bill now that it doesn't offer real change, unless they can fix it.

This doesn't mean I side with the crazy, but they have won. Back to the insurance death panels and unaffordable premiums for us it seems. I had faith that the President was a chess player, but here he just failed as a leader. Where was he? Now, I'm trying to be open minded because as someone put it, "where do you think the money is going?" True, maybe if the bill will help some people then pass it, but I worry that people will expect a real change and it will just go back to the same messed up excessive profit system it has always been. Letting the doctors get rich I'm ok with, but not insurance companies who make money by denying claims.

I'm not alone at feeling this way: you can read about how Democrats Lash Out At Obama Over Health Care Disappointments. Highlights include:

"The president keeps listening to Rahm Emanuel," said Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.). "No public option, no extending Medicare to 55, no nothing, an excise tax, God!" he exclaimed about the Senate health care bill to Roll Call. "The insurance lobby is taking over."

"The White House has been useless," Rep. Dave Obey (D-Wis.), the chairman of the powerful Appropriations Committee, told Politico. Referencing Senate delays, he said, "It's ridiculous, and the Obama administration is sitting on the sidelines. That's nonsense."

Now the truth is that my thoughts and feelings about the topic are not going to change anything. They are just one person's personal opinion. There are many people out there that do not agree with me, but I'm writing about it because it has been on my mind these past few months and its the most important legislation I have cared about in my lifetime. This matters to me and that is why I think about it. I do my part and vote and try to clear up the lies I encounter, but it all feels like a drop in the bucket compared to the money that is poured into keeping the system the same.

Now back to the world of the mundane, I was talking to a friend about this the other day. I find it funny how some people solve all of life's problems though their facebook pearl of wisdom status update. They post a quote that says something like, "follow your heart...(yada, yada)" and a person replies "so very true sister," and bam, that its, the secret to life. I'm talking about when a person goes though a bad experience and shares the lesson they learned, which if you really look closely doesn't really address the problem, but who am I disparage their epiphany. Don't get me wrong, I like inspirational fb status updates, and you can tell from my entries that I'm a fan of quotes, but there is just something about how profound and problem solving some people make certain quotes sound that makes me feel like people would rather be comforted by an easy solution than think about the complexities of life. Maybe I'm just hating. This probably would have been more clear had I shared a good example, but I don't really have one.

how's it going boo?

Money Bags and Ketchup

"Still, there are times I am bewildered by each mile I have traveled, each meal I have eaten, each person I have known, each room in which I have slept. As ordinary as it all appears, there are times when it is beyond my imagination." - Jhumpa Lahiri

On Wednesday, I heard from my mother that her elementary school she works at was locked down due to reports of a shooting near her campus. Reports of gunfire prompt lockdown at Edinburg schools. She was ok and that is the most important thing. From the article, it seems like it was mainly a precautionary action by the schools due to reports of gang activity. I think it can be used as a teaching moment for the schools so that they can see what works and what doesn't when it comes to lock downs.

I have a confession. I actually feel very bad about this. The other day I was at a gas station and I was buying a burrito. I was in a rush and as I was putting away the tongs I used to get the burrito, I dropped them on the floor. It was the only set and a guy was standing right next to me. Instead of talking to the attendant and telling him about the drop, I just used the 5 second rule, picked them up and put them back in their holder. I'm a terrible person I know. Had I been at a restaurant I would never have done such a thing, but I was at a gas station. I don't know, there is no excuse. Now what am I doing buying a burrito at a gas station to begin with?

This was on my mind today. "I always say what I mean, but I don't always mean what I say." Put another way, whatever I say I mean to say it, but what I have said, it doesn't mean I mean it. That might seem like it conflicts, but I think it defines a lot of what comes out of my mouth. The problem is that sometimes I might say something which I don't believe, but then based on its reaction, I sometimes start to believe it. That can at times be good, like positive things about yourself, or bad since you shouldn't really have a good handle on what you believe and what you don't.

When I was going into the 8th grade I went to a summer camp at a university where I took a creative writing course. I don't remember much about the course, but I do recall writing one of my only poems I had ever written. It was about how Tuesdays sucked. Everyday had a meaning or context, but Tuesday was just nothing. I was reminded about this when I was told by a friend that Tuesday was her least favorite day. I responded with, "all the days are my least favoriate days. That keeps me anxiously looking forward to a day that never really comes." The point being that no matter what day it is, you have this idea that if today were only "insert day here," it would be so much better. But that type of thinking is infinitely regressive. The truth is that Tuesday is the most real day of the week, not trapped by the meaning of starting or ending a week, but just a normal day. I wonder if you took my life and stitched together all the Tuesday's what would it look like? I think it would give the most realistic blueprint of what my life is really like and after seeing it, I'd probably look for ways to live it more fully. So, yeah, from now when it is Tuesday, I'll think to myself, today is your life and it doesn't get any more real than this.

I want money bags. You know, the kind you see in cartoons, like the ones Scrooge McDuck had. They will have to have $$ signs on them as well. One day I'm going to just put a chunk of savings in money bags and put them in my closet hidden. Probably not the most secure place to keep money bags (the bank being the most secure), but hell it would feel good I think. Whenever I need cash I'll just go to my money bags and pull out a wad of bills. It is my cartoon version of the money under the mattress idea from the Great Depression era. The child in me will feel like have really made it then. This of course would be at the cost of the interest I could be earning on that cash in the bank, but I think it would be worth it.

One hobby I'm really good at keeping up at is writing down my thoughts a few times a week on my blog. I wonder why I'm easily able to do that, but other things have trouble sticking so easily. Maybe it has to do with the idea of choice. Everyday I choose to write and I don't feel like I have to or need to. It is something that is nice to do and even though it is work, both mental and physical, I never see it that way. I can stop at any point and not feel guilty in any way. Imagine if I could transfer that type of thinking and motivation to other parts of my life.

...There is also the alternative procrastination theory. I tend to write more when I have something important I should be doing and it lets me feel like I'm being productive even though I clearly am not. I used to use procrastination tricks like this to make myself do stuff in college. I'd have a paper due, but since I didn't want to do it, I'd procrastinate by working on a project for another class. I was secretly getting work done while I thought I was procrastinating from other work. The problem of course is that I'm not stupid and trying to do stuff to trick myself doesn't work often cause my mind takes offense to trying to be tricked and just calls bullshit.

...Though on thing I will say that I've done a good job at tricking my brain with is with my alarm clock in the morning. I have it set 13-18 mins ahead so that in the morning I won't be late. Now it isn't 15 mins or 10mins because I can do that math quickly and figure out the real time in my head. But 13-18, (I'm not sure by design) is a harder subtraction problem and in the morning my mind is still foggy. I compensate for knowing the time difference somewhat, but I can't delay too much because I don't know how much lag I truly have. This only works because I'm doing it while my mind is the least sharp and less willing to call bullshit. Even with this system, I still sometimes run late, but over all it works great for me. Now the rest of the day the clock is useless, but when do you look at your clock?

I probably eat way too much fast food. In my defense, I'm not feeding it to my family, so my failing is only hurting myself. But this isn't the normal, oh man I should eat better resuscitation I repeat to myself on an ongoing basis, but a complaint about ketchup. I hate ketchup packets, but I like ketchup. I hate how the ketchup sticks to the part of the packet you tore off and how one packet isn't even close enough to use. You know who has good ketchup packets? Whataburger. They use those little cup things that other places use for BBQ sauce. Now that is a perfect packet. You open the lid and right there you have a perfect serving of ketchup already in a small container. I don't know why everybody doesn't use it. I mean they have access to them since they use them for BBQ sauce. My thinking it that it is cheaper to use packets and there is probably less wasted ketchup and I know it all adds up when you sell millions and millions of fries. Still, I think companies should suck up the extra cost and give us these perfect ketchup packets.

when push comes to shove, no one really tells you to follow your heart

Another Diversion

There are two times in a man's life when he should [gamble]: when he can't afford it and when he can." - Mark Twain

My friends keep raining in with the good news. Another really close friend of mine from college informed me this weekend that he and his fiance just purchased their first home. They waited until after the deal was done to tell their friends, so it came as a surprise to me. It is so great to watch people grow up before my eyes. I can't wait to visit. I know a lot of people with homes, but for some reason this news really made me happy. My other college friend who is having a kid called me this weekend and we caught up. It had been at least a year since we had talked, so it was great catching up.

I wasn't in the best of moods this weekend (probably weather related) and when I'm feeling that way I like to find a project to distract myself. I found an extra computer hard drive that I had put away and decided to install it in Abram's computer. I needed a power SATA cable, so I went to Radio Shack to buy one on Sunday. They didn't have any, so I stopped by Target. There I purchased a desk for my laptop and then I found a Best Buy where I was able to get that cable. When I got home, I installed the power cord and got the 2nd internal hard drive working which made me feel good. Then I got to work on my desk project. For some reason I own a lot of desks since I can never find the right fit. The problem I have is that I hate that all my furniture doesn't match. My bed room set matches, but my two desks do not, nor does my TV center. When I get a home, I'm going to move my current stuff to a guest room and actually get a matching set of furniture for my bedroom. I will say, I'm a lot better off than I was after college when every thing I owned didn't match or was not being used for it intended purpose, but man was it functional. It was rewarding putting together my new desk and I hope it gives me the space to work more.

I've mentioned before that there are so many things I would like to be doing and I hate that I can't do them all. So many career paths not taken. So yes, I've focused on being a great attorney, but all those other paths still have a place as hobbies I guess. Now something I always thought would be fun is stand up comedy. I know, I was shocked when the thought came in my mind too. I don't think this because I consider myself a funny person, quite the opposite, but because I have a bunch of stories I think I would enjoy telling to a crowd. I don't exactly know what my delivery would be like and since I have no practice, I think it would be pretty awful, but what a fun thing to try. So I've started writing a stand up routine to try out at some amateur night in the future. I figured the first test would be writing the material and the second test will be the presentation. This may end up being a half finished project that I can pile behind my salsa dancing, mountain biking, marathon running and screen play attempts, but there is no reason not to dream big. The funny part is that the first experience will make a huge impact on how I feel about it, so I'd better try my best. I also have a feeling that I might just run my best stuff the first time and then run out of funny things to say after that. Well the first step is writing the routine, so I'd better keep working on that. I really wish I had a writing partner, I just think so much better when I'm talking to other people about it.

This weekend I watched as Texas made my heart stop right before barely making the winning field goal to be propelled into the BCS Championship. Here is the Bowl Games Schedule: 2009-2010 BCS Matchups And Television Listings

The 3 bowl games I'm looking forward to watching are:

Citi National Championship: Jan. 7, 8 p.m., Pasadena, Calif.
Texas vs. Alabama, ABC broadcast - My pick: Texas!

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Jan. 4, Glendale, Ariz.
TCU vs. Boise State, FOX broadcast - My pick: TCU

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m., New Orleans, La.

Florida vs. Cincinnati, FOX broadcast. - My pick: Cincinnati (but I think FL will win).

I'm still going to complain that there is no playoff system. How hard is it to pick the top 4 teams (usually all undefeated) and have them play two games instead of one? One extra game for two teams, it is not that bad. It would be a great way to start off the bowls and then end the bowls. If Texas had lost things would be crazy and everyone would be complaining. I do think Congress should stay out of it though.

I have noticed that I don't use Twitter anymore. I used to check it all the time on my phone, but as of late I've been checking it less and less. Sometimes it feels like too much information to keep up with and other times like not enough. There are some people that are nice to follow and I really enjoy the ability to look up topics, like the other day I searched for people that had seen snow in Austin.

Here is something that I was thinking about the other day. I feel like I'm trapped by all the things I'm not doing. That is always on my mind. I mean, it isn't important stuff either, just stuff I'd like to do. After work, I have nothing pressing to do when I get home, but man the list of things I won't be doing really affects me. The shelf of books I have yet to get to it, the files I haven't organized on my computer, the cleaning that should do, the guitar practice I won't be doing, the learning to play piano I won't be staring, the friends I won't call to catch up with, the movies I have, but haven't seen I won't be seeing, the running I won't be doing (and much much more). Man it really takes a toll and its all really in my head. I could just as easily go home and feel free as a bird. The truth is that all those things I probably won't even make a dent on because I'll be wasting too much time thinking about it. It isn't a big deal and doesn't affect my daily life as much as it did in college when things I had to do had deadlines. In college I used to get behind on my reading and I would go home and do nothing because I needed to study. I would pass up nights out on the town to stay home and work, but instead of studying I would do nothing. I could have just as easily gone out and had a blast and it wouldn't have affected my productivity. And honestly, in retrospect, I got it done eventually. So whole point being, I should just do what I want to do and not worry so much about all the things I could be doing.

Study: people who buy counterfeit bags likely to buy real ones later

Usually I wouldn't care much about this article, but having visited NY and seen where they sell those purses, I can say that I think that this study might actually make sense. I would have thought they would buy a real one of the same brand though.

I"ll leave you with this: Undead Disney Characters picture which I think is pretty cool even though Halloween is long past.

and the sun is coming out

Notions of Who I Am

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature. "- Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD)

This quote really made sense for me. I don't think much about my daily thoughts, but even though one particular thought may not be too important, if you add them up over the course the of the day, it really says a lot about your life. What the majority of your thoughts are about are probably influenced by your attitude or is it the other way around? It is something I try to monitor when I'm being self aware, but I tend to usually fall back into the walking day dream that is my life. Who you are seems to just add up as you are doing things in life and its is something you can only see in retrospect looking back. It's much more important than all that just be positive bs we have been fed as the solution to all your problems. It is just hard to accept that my interpretation of reality is so subjective and affected by my mood, my diet and other external factors that have nothing to do with the event I'm actually reacting to. I may never live in an objective reality, but if I'm going to live in this world created by my mind, I'd better try my best to make it the most exciting and fulfilling one I can.

Friday, I thought it might snow here in Austin. That is a rare event and one I was very much looking forward to it. I grew up in South Texas where I never saw snow as a child. I dreamed of it happening like I saw on TV, but that day wouldn't come until the Valley Christmas Snow of 2004. When I left for college, the first time I saw snow was in the late fall of 1998 in Ithaca, NY. I was like a child in the snow and it was all it was imagined in my mind to be. I did not know I would spent the next 4 years covered in snow. Oh how I learned to hate the snow, especially the dirty slush it would become. Even when I moved farther away from the snow in DC, it was still more troublesome than fanciful. I have now been away from the snow for 3 years and after the summer drought we had, I'd be excited once again to see it. Too bad it didn't end up snowing here. I saw a few snow flakes after lunch but that is all.

Thursday, I got pretty great news. My really good college friend and his wife (another good college friend) are going to have a baby. Another human life. I know a lot of people with children, mainly family, since I'm now at an age where it makes sense to have kids, but this is the first really close inner circle friend of mine to be starting a family. As an uncle 7 times over, I feel like I'm adding a new nephew/niece to the list even though I'm sure the kid will meet me like once growing up since I live so far away. I don't care how rarely I see the kid, I want my Tio status. In college I would joke about being their unemployed Tio Marty living in their parents garage. Maybe instead I'll be their successful Tio Marty. I'm very happy for them, like more than I thought I would be in the abstract.

There is one episode of Glee left before the show goes on hiatus. Try as I may to stay away from the show, I've come to enjoy the music. I understand that my enjoyment of what are essential showtunes is something I'm not to proud to admit, but it is good, so I won't worry about too much. Next thing you will know, I'll be sewing. In reading up on the show, I found it interesting that most the characters seem to be 23 years old. The main character is really growing on me. Here is something I read about the show that I liked, "Just who are these people in the band and where do they come from? If they're fellow music nerds, why wouldn't they just be in the Glee club? And how long are we going to go on using them and pretending they're not there? Shouldn't one of them get a joke or a story line or ask Mercedes out on a date or something?" So who are they I wonder? Now you will too.

she doesn't look at me that way

Decades

"Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing, as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals, can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves but a union." - Rollo May (1909-1994) American Psychotherapist

Thanksgiving break is now over and I'm back to work. The month of December is by far my favorite of the year. It doesn't even have a lot to do with Christmas. December feels like the Sunday after a long week and a good weekend where you dread going back to work on Monday, January 4th. I'm looking forward to the Christmas Holidays and with how cold it is right now, it feels very much like the season. I don't plan on getting a tree this year since I'll spend the holidays in the Valley most likely.

Speaking of, I went home to the Valley for Thanksgiving. We ate at my mother's house and I got to spend time with family. It had been a few months since I had been down. My youngest niece Celeste seems to grow in leaps and bounds each time I see her. Comparatively, my older nieces and nephews seem to grow much slower. I got to hang out with some old friends and even went downtown for drinks. There were moments I missed out on too, but I guess you can't do everything. I did miss out on having tacos or tamales, but that might be explained by the amount of turkey I did have. It was a good trip.

During the break, I was invited by a good friend to be part of their wedding this coming summer. It was very much an honor. It is going to be in Kentucky, so I'm also excited about getting to visit the Maker's Mark factory. It has been a while since I have been to a wedding and I'm very much looking forward to this one. I have to admit, I have not yet met his fiance since I moved away as they started dating. I look forward to getting to know her since she seems like a really interesting person. This reminds me that I need to make trips to see my friends more often.

December is also the month of my birthday. I'm going to be 30 years old at the end of the month. I won't talk about how old that feels right now, but I'm slowly becoming an adult it seems. Now, if you break my life up into 3 decades, I think each period is pretty interesting. The first decade I spent growing up, learning to become a person and about half of it I don't remember. I was mainly just waiting for my brain to grow and mature into a human size all the while theoretically being vulnerable to predators and what not. The second decade 11-20 was probably the one where I lived it up the most. This is where I discovered girls, drinking, had a lot of my firsts, learned to drive a car, went to college, and was probably the most care free. This past decade went by much faster than the first two, most likely due to each year being a larger proportion of the life I lived thus far. Between 21-30 I may have accomplished the most in my life, graduations from college and law school, living in many cities, traveling, starting my career, paying off my first car, and learning to be a responsible citizen, something missed decade 2. I now need to decide what I want this next decade to be like. This is what I have almost a month to think about and then a decade to truly figure out. (note: The more I think about it, since this is arbitrary, 17-27 have to have been the best 10 year span. I limited myself artificially by dividing in exact decades. Greatest joys and greatest sorrows.)

In other thoughts. I once heard a person explain how they don't understand why some people say, "you'll never find anyone like me again," when they break up. I mean if you are breaking up then they clearly didn't want someone like you to begin with, so not finding another like you is kind of a good thing for them. Maybe it is just the self-important crap we tell ourselves to feel better. I'm sure we all feel special and unique just like everyone else. Interestingly, I've caught myself at times dealing that type of irrational thought. The idea of a person losing you being its own punishment isn't a very logical thought considering that is the whole point of ending a relationship. Funny how when you think about things they don't always match up with what is going on inside your head.

I recently had a friend tell me, "I think youre just addicted to the idea of having someone listen to your every thought. It could be any listener, really. It has to do more with you than it does them." This was not a comment about my blog, which would seem fitting, but it was just generally about me. I thought about this for a while, mainly because I do enjoy going off on all my observations and theories when talking to friends. I also like listening to other people's thoughts and giving my own take on them. I think I would take issue with the addicted part and to the any listener part. I value feedback and the only way to test your theories and ideas is to share them with others. 'Did you see that the same way I did?' I'll ask. I just think liking something does not rise to calling it an addiction. Secondly, the person you talk with is actually very important. There are some people in my life whose opinion I value very much. There are also people whose opinions, though in theory important, don't influence me. I tend to seek those opinions of people I not only trust, but also respect. I don't like that this sounds like a defense, but maybe because I value their opinion, it was worth thinking about. This is one of those ways I like to think out loud.

read no evil

Tomorrow, but for real

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears." - Woodrow Wyatt (1918~) English Journalist

I have this weird feeling inside me, I don't know what it is. It kind of feels like motivation. It feels like it has been a while since I have truly had that feeling. The problem is that feelings like this are fleeting, so I'm going to wait and see how long it lasts before getting entangled in some new project(s). It could also be the copious amount of caffeine I had this morning, so who knows. I am getting a lot of things done though and that always feels good.


This weekend I went downtown to hang out with my friend Oscar and his girlfriend. We checked out a new bar that I had never been to, but really liked. It was the first time I met his girlfriend and she ending up being a pretty cool chick. I always hope I make a good impression, but usually I'd rather just be me. I tend to ask a lot of questions when I meet new people, so I got to learn a lot about her background and their story together. I had an enjoyable night hanging out with them and they even invited me to go to Stubbs the following day to check out her brother's rock show. So her 15 year old brother is like a guitar prodigy and on Sunday night I got to see exactly why I had read all those amazing things about him online. He was also the lead singer of the band. The rock band was a little heavier than I expected, but I was amazed at his guitar playing skills and the fact he wrote those songs. I want to say the kid is gifted, but that might discount his hard work. He has an impressive road ahead of him.

'Unfriend' Is Oxford Dictionary's 'Word Of The Year'. I think it is a fitting word to win this year. The definition of the verb is just as you’d expect: “To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.” Several other tech and social media centric word choices were considered, including hashtag, sexting, freemium, and paywall. I'll be sure to talk about sexting another time. I've had my fair share of "unfriending" experiences in my short online social experience. First, I removed all my family members that were kids and too young to be online. 13 might be the cut off, but 18 and below and you are out in my book. I thought it would be nice at first to have this window into their world, but I was totally mistaken. First of all, they shouldn't read the sexist and adult comments that happen to find their way on my page. And more importantly, I don't want to read the filth they and their friends post on their own pages. Seriously, I want to shoot myself sometimes. It is like the idea of these kids as young innocent sweet teens is changed to obnoxious perverts who post way too many self pics. I think all their friends are bad influences and man the boys get started on the shady and douchy at such a young age. I don't have the energy to police that shit, so I just do what my mom did raising us as kids, just pretend it isn't happening and live in my own imaginary world where they aren't at all like me at that age. I will say, if I was a parent, I'd be all over my kid's page judging them and their friends trying to micromanage their choices until I learned how fruitless that approach probably is. I know, I'll probably be lazy about it.

On the same topic, the following article is great and very relatable: 12 Great Tales of Un-Friending. I will say that there are legit reasons to unfriend a person. One example I think is usually after you date a person and it doesn't work out, but you still give a shit. It seems petty, but I think it works on two levels. One, it stops your stalker like tendancies that make you join social networks to begin with and two, it gives you the freedom to move on. I'm sorry, but if I'm going about my day and I get a facebook update that the girl I was really into is about to go on a cruise with some guy, it is going to dampen my mood. Now if it wasn't a big deal, then yeah, my test is if I care to see the posts of guys hitting on her wall. If I don't mind, then it's cool. Maybe I'm too much of a believer of see no evil, hear no evil in many facets of my life. Then there is the person that farms too much, you know who you are. Though I may be guity of this sometimes. Turn the updates part off. I will say the "hide" feature has worked great on removing the too many applications posters while keeping them as my friends who I can still talk to. The cool thing is that of all the people that may have 'unfriended' me, I don't really know who they are or if they did remove me cause its not like you take roll. So its not like people feel bad when they are removed for the most part.

What I will say about Facebook is that on my 2nd and 3rd level friends that I know in passing or only through Facebook, over time you feel like you get to know them better. Questions I would never ask, like how many kids they have or whatnot, you find out over time and sometimes it paints a cool picture of someone you only thought you had an idea about. I think I've made some good friends of people I didn't know too well to begin with. Though I do have a few friends who don't know me and who I don't really know, but we have friends in common and if that was enough for facebook to suggest them, then its enough for me to have them as my 4th level friends.

On a final note, the new sexiest man was named today. I already forget who. Once again I did not win that honor, so maybe I should stop formally applying. This is what I think is bullshit, they change it every year. If you are the sexiest person, I think you should be dethroned like in boxing. The headlines should be, "So and So no longer sexiest man, grew ugly goatee and New So and So has moved up and taken the title." It just makes it mean less I think if a different person gets it each year. I will note that 3 people have gotten it more than once. I know this is just sour grapes though. Maybe next year.

meet me halfway

Fading Away

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much of life. So aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." - Henry David Thoreau

I have a long quiet drive to work each morning. It is all back roads and takes about half an hour. I'm driving out in the country so I usually space off and get lost in my thoughts while I'm still half asleep. It is a nice way to start to day because its a tranquil commute alone with my thoughts, although I wouldn't complain if it was shorter. One of the things that slows me down other than the 55mph max speed limits, is that I have to drive through 3, count them 3, school zones. This morning I noticed that they are building another elementary school along my 22mile route. This means that I'll soon have 4 school zones to get through in the morning. That is a lot of kids to try not to hit, even though I've never seen a kid crossing the street in a school zone in my life. Maybe it would work out if I had kids and I needed to drop them off at school. I need to find a place much closer to work I think.

Have you ever woken up from a dream and thought that it would have made a really boring movie. Usually I wake up and the memories of my adventures in imagination land make me question what powers or events actually did or did not happen. Damn, I think as I'm waking up that all my dreams came true and then they slip away into the forgotten fog of the fading false memory. Then there are mornings, like this morning, when I wake up and wonder why I was having such a boring and mundane dream. I'm glad that wasn't real I think to myself and then I feel like I wasted my night in some way. It goes hand in hand with the bad dream example where I awake to be glad that it wasn't real, but wonder why I have the residual emotional reaction to something that didn't really happen. Though, nothing beats the disappointment of waking from that dream where you finally got what you wanted or where she makes an appearance and you are ripped away by consciousness. It is those dreams I really enjoy, too bad last night was not one of those.

South Park this week was awesome. South Park takes on Glenn Beck. I could not stop laughing at the Beck parody and I liked it so much I watched it twice. I really liked the part about Avatar, since I didn't see that joke coming at all. I thought the Kill Smurfs idea was a dumb tangent and little did I know it was awesomely funny. You should check out WATCH: The 5 Funniest Glenn Beck Parodies Of All Time.

I found out this week that Dollhouse is Cancelled; Begins Journey to Nerd Martrydom . I'm not going to say I'm the biggest fan of the show, but I haven't missed an episode. I have been a Joss Whedon fan since Firefly and therefore was interested in his work on Dollhouse. The show was good, but not great. I wish it would have gotten another season. I wish when shows were canceled they would get money to film one last ending episode for viewers to tie things up. I hate for example how My Name Is Earl ended.

I'm glad the first time homebuyer tax credit was extended. It is still my goal to get my first home. I now have until April 30th. For some reason all I can think is that I want a house with an indoor jacuzzi. I think it would be nice to have. That and two stories. I think that would meet my requirements I set for myself as a child. The adult me has other requirements, like a shower instead of a tub and an island. Those pragmatic things I'll talk about when selection time comes nearer. This is definitely a leap of faith here and will take a huge blessing to become reality.

Oh, so I find out that the Austin Trail of Lights is going to be smaller but still free this year. That really sucks. It is one of those Austin events that I really enjoyed. I did like the event for more than a memory about an experience I had there with a girl (as my friend Christina correctly guessed), but also because of the way it really helped me get in the Christmas spirit. I don't know if I'll go this year since I feel like it can only be a let down. I think I would have rather had them charge (I know the recession) and do the full event than a smaller event. It just sucks I guess.

I say congrats because I worry I'm going to spell congratulations wrong.

Lone Wolf

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." - Unknown

I wish I had Wednesday, Veteran's Day, off like government employees do. Anyway, today is one of those days where I feel like writing, but I don't really have anything pressing to say. Anything I've had to say, I think I've done my best to say in the normal course of events. I guess a lot has been going through my mind as of late, but nothing relevant or pressing. Nevertheless, I figured putting pen to paper would help me shake out the cobwebs.

Saturday night, Abram and I went to a comedy club to see Joe Rogan perform. I think he is a pretty cool guy and a good stand up comic. Cynthia and I saw him a year or two ago here in Austin and I enjoyed the show very much then. I was still feeling sick from my cold, but I was still able to make it out and have a few drinks. We got pretty cool seats near the front. It was his last show in Austin and I wondered if he would go all out on his last show or be burned out by then. I hear Thursday night was an awesome show where he went 2 hours 45 mins. (source: twitter). I had a great time and laughed a lot. After the show, Abram and I hung around to meet him. We shook his hand and I got a picture of Abram and him on my iPhone. It was a cool experience. Rogan is definitely a jack of all trades and I'm always amazed with his MMA knowledge. He is an asset to the UFC and is the source of most of what I have learned watching over the years.

How I Met Your Mother's episode, "The Rough Patch," this week was awesome. I was kind of worried that the show had been really dropping the ball plot wise when they just spun some amazing gold. Watching Barney become a fat slob is something I'm sure many people can relate to. You have to see the episode to fully appreciate it. I think I'm going to watch that episode again. I think it would be fun to a show's writer.

A friend reminded me today that my people are dispersed. There is a lot to be said for one's social network of friends. I value my independence and my alone time, but it sucks not always having your best friends around to talk about the randomness that is life. You know, to share adventures that you bring up years later as an epic story over drinks. I have so many of those memories, but I'm not making as many of them as routinely. I think I'm lucky I have some good friends here in Austin, but I should really expand my social group.

I feel like I'm always having to stop and reevaluate things every so often. It usually comes after a triggering event that puts a mirror up to my face. You'd figure I'd have it right by now and wouldn't have to be always taking stock of things going forward. Maybe it is a good periodic exercise, instead of just blindly moving forward without considering if you are truly doing your best. The problem is that the changes I make are usually too big, or even if the correct change, are just not sustainable over the long run. I slowly slide back into my past routines and habits and find myself starting all over again, or worse, waiting to start all over again. I don't mean to sell myself short, I think as I have grown, I have become a well rounded person adapting to life's lessons. I'm just not where I want to be, though part of me thinks I should just be content. Maybe it is just a function of expecting greatness. I think it is time to stop expecting greatness and start pursing it.

If you play poker you know that if you make the mathematically correct move under the correct circumstances, that even if the final cards draw out and make you lose in a big way, that you can't really question if you make the right call. It is when you make your call and you find out that you misread things, like what you put the other person on, then you need to adjust your approach. You just have to have faith in the long run. It is easy to get discouraged when you are drawn out on, but the next hand is new and independent. Of course you have the common problem of thinking you are making the right calls, but are actually making terrible uninformed calls and are sticking to your bad choices for hope they pan out in the long run. I think that describes many players, confident in their losing ways. The other concept I always found important was looking at the bigger picture than just this individual event. A high probability move that risks everything is a great decision late in a tournament and not so great a decision early on. So every decision you make can't be viewed in a vacuum.

I think I've hidden this far enough so that most people don't get here. I have to admit that the show Glee is pretty cool. As of right now, I don't much care for the plot and really just watch the music scenes, but the plot is starting to sneak its way in and each time I watch it and I watch more and more of each episode. This was a show I was wrong about and I think I'm a great judge of shows. I still feel I shouldn't like this type of show.

I need a new adventure