25 Years Old

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in." - Amy Lowell

Well today I turned 25. I can't believe it, but I can't get around it, I'm an adult. This is somewhat of a milestone, but the main benefit I think is your insurance rates going down. The night before my bday I was up watching a movie and it honestly didn't hit me it was my birthday until 4:30am. Every year I have been waiting for it and always knew at 12:01 that I was now a year older than a minute before. This year there was no big anticipation. I just slept in most of the day and bummed around the house trying to break in this new 25 year old feel. At one point I kind of thought it might go beyond being low key to just being boring, but then my sisters Ana and Eliza came over and we all went out to Bennigans for a kids night out. Despite my inablity to add and lie well, my 20 year old brother Abram was able to drink with us.

We drank, ate appitizers and talked and laughed for hours. It is kind of a tradition to have our kids night out once a year and this one I am glad we had on my bday. I'm so happy I love my family and my brother and sisters, because I am really luckly and I never really saw that growing up. I mean we all have our own personality quirks, but I truly enjoy spending time with them. I didn't get any presents on my bday, didn't unwrap one gift, something that actually just hit me right now, but that night was gift enough.

My grades are finally in. I did much better than I expected, but of course not as good as I hoped to when I first started law school and didn't know how hard it was. I got a B+ in Property. That class is hard and the professor goes over less material, but really indepth, so you really have to know your stuff well. I love that cause I'd rather know more about something than just a lot of things. Then in Contracts I got a C+, which was my lowest grade, but considering I failed the midterm (it was my lowest midterm grade), it means I probably got a B or better on the final, and that I am proud of this because the multiple choice where unbelievably hard and the essay was on output contracts, a topic I was not only absent for, but such a footnote type of concept. I got a B+ in Civil Procedure, in which I am very proud of because I also got below the mean on the midterm. I probably studied the hardest for this class and know I got an A on the final, but my midterm grade brought me down to a B+. I am proud of that grade because when I went in to talk to the professor after the midterm and I told her, "I did terrible," hoping she would say, "no you didn't do that bad," instead she said, "ok, so what are you going to do about it." I listened to CDs on Civ Pro (its the secret to first year classes I think, CDs...they are awesome)learned all the rules and spent so much time on it, I actually enjoy the subject. Luckily I accidently learned things we will be covering next semester, so I am looking forward to it. Then in Torts I got an A. I hit the mean on the midterm, so I must of really rocked that final, but I didn't come out of it feeling that great. I actually thought my essay was lacking, but I knew I did well on the multiple choice. A friend of mine gave me her outline for that class and I used it all semester, so I owe her my graditude. In my Legal writing class I got a B+, but honestly, I'm going to fight that because there is no way I didn't get an A. I got two wrong the midterm and one wrong on the final. I destoryed that class and have a theory on how they messed up. I ended up with a 3.4 gpa overall, .1 from Dean's list, which I'd be on if I got that A in writing or if I knew what was going on at midterm time. Seriously, if those midterms wouldn't have counted I'd be near the top of my class I think. So, I learned a lot. One, I am very motivated because I know what to expect and how much work it is going to take. I also know it is not impossible, so I'm really going to work for all As next semester and minimum B+s. I'm taking all the same classes (second part), so I know what to expect. I need to talk to my contracts professor and find out how to approach her class because my technique is not what it needs to be and I feel like I know contracts as well as the next guy in that class, but maybe my lack of citing cases, or memorizing the restatements is what hurt me. Of course all this talk is easy and I am realistic and know I am inherently lazy, but I figure I'll enjoy this pumped up feeling while it lasts. I mean, I have nothing else to do in Miami, but law school, so I'd better pimp it out.

My mom bought a new car. I helped her out on picking the right one, a 4runner, and understanding her how her interest rate and price will affect her payment. We got a great deal, $250 over invoice and the promotional 2.9 interest rate. We got an extra 1000 dollars on the trade in based on a mistake, so overall the deal kept getting better. The salesman was our neighbor and my mom has been talking to him about it for about 6 months, so he went out of his way to help her out. It was actually a nice buying experience and the truck runs so great. It even has a sun roof. I'm also happy that I get to use it everytime I am down and visiting.

My aunt started to write I guess an autobiography of sorts. I wasn't looking foward to reading it, but I sat down to give it a try. I was floored, not by the writing style, but by the subject matter, and about how life looks in retrospect. I learned a lot about my grandparents, my mother, their poverty, her struggles and her and her family. I think I have been through a lot with losing Vero and heartbreaks through the years, but reading about what she lived really made me appreciate life a lot more. Little things like foreshadowing in her life, random blessings from God and the how the meaning of some experiences are not known until the future. Reading about how my uncle's brother died at 24 in a car accident and how his sister recently died of cancer really made an impact on me. I always tell myself the key to life is perspective. If you see things in a good way then they will be good, but if you see them in a bad way, then they of course will be bad. You can't positively think yourself out of bad things in your life, but reading about her struggles with her positive take, and honest take when she was desprate or hurting, really made me think that had I lived that life I would not be able to write about it or view it in the postive way she did, something I need to work on for myself. It also made me want to start writing more and start my own retrospective view of my life before I start to forget things. The problem too is that I try to forget and not think about things that don't make me happy, so I forget a lot of things and lots of things are starting to get blurred. I'll sometimes go back just a few years and read and entry and I'll have totally forgotten that those things happened.

the phone didn't ring

White Christmas

"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

I did not believe it when I saw it. I was in Edinburg, Texas, it was Christmas eve and outside it was snowing. Growing up in the Valley, I had never seen snow. The first time I saw snow was when I was 19 at Cornell. This is south Texas...it's hot here...so most people here have never seen snow....a white christmas is something we dream about but know we will never see. So we are opening presents with my family on Christmas eve (it might be a Mexican thing that we do it early), and the kids look outside and it is covered in snow. It was like a miracle, I think there was a movie where it snowed on Christmas in LA, but this was real and we all run outside to enjoy a true and first white christmas, something I dreamed about as a child, but never thought I would see. I think my father and I were the only ones that had seen snow before, my nieces and nephews were in bliss. They made snow angels, threw snow balls, and we started working on a snow man. They learned they were not as easy to make as in the movies, but we worked for over an hour putting together quite the snowman. We put on Christmas music and it was truly like a sappy movie. The neighbors were outside, and everyone was so happy. My niece Sara came up to me and you could just see her eyes glowing as she embraced me in a hug and told me that it was the best Christmas of her life. Well, my life has been much longer and this was truly up there. I don't usually rank Christmas, but second to the last christmas I spent with my sister Vero, this was the best Christmas I had ever had. We were in the middle of opening presents and no one cared, they just wanted to be outside.

I took as many pictures as I could and as dorky as all this sounds, we didn't care, we were so very happy. The last time I think it snowed down here was 1895 or so and this time we got 3.5 inches of snow. Victoria, Texas got 11 inches . This actually made the national news. Whether this was a present from above or just the effects of Bush's gobal warming policies, it was damn cool. Here is a fun footnote. My younger sister's co-worker wanted her children to see snow for christmas so she arranged a trip to take them up north so they could experience a white christmas, who would have known they could have just stayed home.

We finally finished opening presents and went to bed at about 4am and the next morning everyone woke up to see everything covered in snow Christmas morning. By Christmas night, all that was left of our snowman was the hat and carrot and it was like it never happened. My trip down here has been nice and relaxing. When I got here I went with my sisters, brother, tia Mati and tio Jesse, and Bekkah and Jamie to Progresso, Mexico. We went shopping and my sister got a peticure. Going to Mexico is always an experience. You experience poverty unlike that that is easily found in the US and you just try to distance yourself from it in order to enjoy the cheap prices, culture and experience. We walked around and my sister and aunt got a peticure and since my back had been hurting from all the studying, I got a 20 dollar 45 min massage. It was the first I had ever had and it really helped out. We ate tacos at a taco stand with coke in bottles, which is great coke, and though different from American coke, some people like it better.

Early in my trip home, I went over to Rick's place to hang out with him and my friend Juan. It was nice chatting up and learning about what was going on in their lives. I find it very relaxing to just chill out and drink and talk and it has become a staple on my trips home since I left for college. My cats are being taken care of my a friend of mine and I really owe him big for going through all the trouble of doing me this favor. He told me how he thinks Koki, or the big one as he called her, is going through withdraw symptons and misses me a lot...she really wants to be petted. As much as I don't want to use my cats as an emotional crutch or excuse not to socialize with people, I miss them a lot. They really make me feel at peace. There is just something about laying down and relaxing as Koki lays on my chest purring and sleeping as I pet her. They are so low maintance in that they don't need constant attention, but when they want it, I'm usually happy to give it to them. Sometimes you get home and you relize you are alone, living far away from your true home, your family, your close friends, but having a pet there waiting for you, happy to see you, just makes you feel happy.

Christmas is for the kids. I know people always says it's about giving, but honestly, I feel like I care more about what I get people than what I get now. I guess I'm used to not expecting anything big since no one I know is really well off, so things I want I usually get for myself. So the key is trying to find things that you think someone will enjoy. I didn't plan to buy presents this year because of the not working thing and the debt I have amassed. Who would have thought that a year ago I had a savings account of almost 10,000 dollars I had been working so hard on building and a year later it would be gone and my credit card debt alone would be twice that. I went shopping with my brother Abram and I couldn't help but buy things. I got a set of nice knives for my sister Ana because she just moved into a new house and I thought they would look nice in her kitchen. I also got her wine stoppers for her wine theme. Then I got my sister a great blender and my brother got her glasses to use the blender for. I also got her a candle set. I got my mom a massager chair pad and my brother got her Audrey Hepburn dvds. She named Eliza after Eliza Dolittle, so we thought she would enjoy the set. My brother got my dad an Ax and I got him gloves and an electronic tape measure. I like gadgets, so I hope others will too. My got my niece Bekkah a nice vanity mirror for all the makeup she has been getting and keep trying to instill in her the cliche of "less is more" when it comes to makeup. Jamie her littler sister got a Shel Silverstein book I enjoyed so much growing up and a Lincoln Park/Jay Z CD she wanted. I got my nephews a gift certificate and the other cards (like pokemon, but not) and my youngest niece Tory 7 dollars inside a plastic ball that she will need a hammer to break to get the money out. We ran out of time ok. I also got my grandmother an ionic breeze for her allergies, a product which I really enjoy. For my brother I paid for the presents he purchased as my gift to him.

So we do the Christmas Eve presents thing, the aforementioned snow thing and then Christmas Day Bekkah and Jaime come over and open their presents and then we had a Christmas party for the extended family, including my grandparents, aunts and uncles. At night, I went over to Rick's to play some Poker with him, Sam, my brother and Cousing Rino. Abram ended up coming out on top at the end of the night, but I always consider my buy-in as the price for having a good time. I plan to read up on the game more and start to learn to play right instead of just for fun how I am playing now.

On the 26th we celebrated my Dad's bday, he turned 57. I think I stopped counting at 45. We went out to eat at Trevinos and though their Mexican food has been lacking the last few years, this year it was great. I had eaten at Red Lobster, Chilis and Trevinos, so by the time it was my bday we passed on the going out to eat thing.

I hope this good feeling doesn't go away

Season's Greetings

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me.
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be.
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep.
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me.
Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy because it was no fun, there under your thumb.
But then I heard our song, and I danced along, but it felt all wrong.
Cause she was sweet, she let me lead, she never took her ever lovin eyes off me.
- Dierks Bently - How am I doing?


I have been known to fall victim to the Manana syndrome. It is when your birthday comes along, you start to think about all the years you will never have back. I'll never be 24 again, never be 21 again, so I might as well try to enjoy these moments now rather than wait for that unascertainable moment when I have the money, the love, the career, and the family. I know I'll miss the days when I had youth, freedom and potential. Too bad I value sleep and relaxation too much. Of course I tell myself this every now and then, but it is always too easy to fall back into old routines.

Wednesday Fed and I went to the Dean's house for a Christmas party. It was a small event and very few people were invited, I was one of the few 1Ls there. We got invited by the assistant Dean the same day and it was a good place to put in some face time. I talked to all the deans of the school, one about politics and told him about a documentary called "Unpresedented" about the Florida 2000 election, he informed me that he knew it well considering he was in it. I felt a bit embarrassed for not knowing that, but when I saw it, I didn't know him well, so it wasn't a big deal. I ran into a professor, who is also a dean, and talked to her for a bit. I'm glad I didn't yet know my grade in her class and she didn't know mine either (they are graded anonomously.)

Sometimes when I am not feeling too well, I go shopping. I guess I go shopping to forget. I didn't get too many things, but I did stop by and get one of those mall 15 min massages. My back had been hurting from all the studying, so it felt good to relax for a bit. I even purchased this little red dolphin massager I used to have. I got my glasses fixed and a haircut, so the trip was productive.

There are a lot of goals I have for myself, and they seem to be the same goals each year, so of all of them, I plan to get at least two off the list. A friend of mine has 5 years of dance lessons, so they are going to help me learn to dance. I went out to this dance club where they dance salsa and such, and the people were very good. I won't list all my other goals, but remember to ask me a year from now how many I achieved. I want to learn to play piano too...yeah I'll add that.

Our building had a Christmas BBQ this week. There was music, drinks and free food. It was nice to talk to our neighbors and socialize. There are a lot of families that live in our complex and most of the students were gone for the winter break, so it was much older people and their kids. It was a bit cold due to a cold front passing through, but you can't pass up free. A guy asked me how the food was, and interestingly, he worked for the catering company, so I am glad I said it was good.

There comes a point in your life when you need to stop rationalizing and tell yourself the truth. Unfortunately, this point comes all too often in my life and I don't know how good I am at it. The messed up part is that when you do tell yourself the truth, it only takes one moment of rationalization to make you forget.

The other day I started reading and pretty much read all of America the Book by Jon Stewart. It is pretty damn funny. Like the daily show, it's hard at times to know what are jokes and what is real. You think somethings are jokes, but I know from history they are true, so it makes me wonder what I laugh at, if it may be based on fact. It is a very funny book and I'm glad I got it for Christmas. I have a lot of Christmas reading to do before I get back to law school reading, lets hope I get through a few of my books.

I had a lot ot trouble finding a person to take care of my cats and had no one the day before I was going to leave. I actually considered leaving them here alone with enough food and water for the time I'll be gone, but that is just wrong and probably crulety to animals. I decided that if I couldn't find someone then I just wouldn't go home because I wouldn't leave them alone. What am I going to do if I go to Spain this summer? I think I'm more worried about missing my girls than excited about seeing everyone.

Right now there is a cold front going through south Florida. It is supposed to be one of the coldest times in recent history in Florida and is supposed to get down into the 40s...I can deal with that. Luckily, I'm getting out of here when it is starting, so I'm looking forward to my south texas weather.

I was at Walmart and I saw the parking space steal move. Thank goodness it wasn't done to me. The guy who had his spot blatantly stolen waited for the people to get out to tell them off. I just chilled to watch and see if a fight was going to break out. Honestly, I wanted to get down and tell those people off, I mean they were jerks and did it intentionally. I thought that it would be cool to have a video camera and walk up to them and ask them questions about being jerks. I'd ask them how it feels, their motivations, stuff like that. I think a documentary on jerks doing fucked up shit in society would be cool to see. I could tape jerks at bars, at middle schools, during Christmas shopping, on the streets and then do comparisons, like see look at rich people being jerks and then poor people being jerks. I might even do a section on professors maybe. So yeah, but I did nothing and not just because there was a big strong black guy in the back seat who came out and scared the other car away, but also because I don't know what I would get out of confronting those people and telling them off. I need to be more confrontational, next time I see something, I'm just getting out of my car and starting to yell, or at least talk strongly. (movie theaters, sports, water during hurricanes, fires, shopping, school, car salesmen)

I've taken some time during my break cleaning up my apartment anticipating guests. I leave in the morning for home, which I'm looking forward to. I have to take a taxi to the airport because I have no one to give me a ride, but hopefully it won't be too expensive. I wish I had someone to give me a ride, but those 45 bucks will be inspiration to make more friends this spring.


There are things I need to leave behind this year and this is one of them. It is hard loving her. I love her more than I would ever need to love anyone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I know she loves me, this wasn't a love I made up in my mind or over dramtised, it was a love that was real to me and that I lived for a few years. Sometimes I think, well if you love her so much, why don't you try to win her back, why do you just run away and not fight for what you call the love of your life. The reason is that even though I love her more than anyone I have loved romatically in my life, I know in my heart that I am not right for her and more importantly, she is not right for me. When I looked in her eyes and thought about her life I saw all kinds of possiblities, potential beyond what I could ever have. Not only is she beautiful, but she is smart, hard working, will never have to worry about money and is artistic to boot. But as much as I would love to tag along and see how wonderful this life turns out and how dearly I want to be part of it, I know deep in my heart that her calling and my calling are not the same. The great things we are both going to achieve are not going to be with one another. One would think that considering I love and respect her so much then why would I not want her to be any part of my life, not a friend and not even someone I want to hear about, know about or talk about. The reason is simply my selfish need to protect myself from the pain of losing someone I held so dear. It hurts just thinking about the void left in my life, about how as each day passes we are not spending it together, that I'll never experience her soft kisses or thoughtful gestures again. I can't bear it and would rather accept how I feel about her and just move on knowing that it wouldn't take much to trick me into falling back in love with her, but even though I might do it, I'd still know it is wrong and won't lead to either of us being truly happy, especially because there is something we are looking for, we are not sure what it is, but it is out there and we can't risk not finding it. I have seen people who are in situations with people they might love, but are not happy with. They stay in them for many reasons, but you can see in their eyes that they are truly not happy. I knew I was happy, but it wasn't the happiness I wanted, but I was so scared to let it go because it was the best thing I had ever had. Thank goodness she knew better than to settle for a life that might have been good, but would not have been the best. It is something I'll always both resent her for and be thankful for. It sucks that whomever I do fall in love with will have a bar set so high for them that limits my options of people, but all I have learned is what I want and what I deserve, not to mention what I am willing and wanting to give. Each new relationship I hope will be new and each person will be their own person I will fall in love with for them and not because they are like someone I used to be in love with. I need to remind myself of that. I've met some great people that I really didn't give a fair chance to because I had not yet really moved on in my heart, even though I force myself to in my mind. I truly think that until I can accept that I could live the rest of my life alone without that soulmate and still have lived a happy and joyful life, that I can ever be a good husband to someone. But who wants to be alone, so it's something that is hard to ever know. I have to accept that not being alone is momentary, but in the end life will pass and I will die...a marriage is a relationship that will end (if not legally), with one of our deaths, so it is only momentary and in the end I will be alone, just myself, who I am, who I was and God's decision if I meet the standard for whatever type of plan he has for us when we pass. I hope to be united with loved ones and never be alone once I am dead, but I think there is something so much better then "not being alone" once you pass that I probably can't fathom. Until then, all I can do is go about each day trying to be a decent guy, work hard trying to meet my person goals, looking for my calling, my mate, dear friends and hopefully one day have children who will add to the wonderful family I am blessed to have. I miss her, but I understand why she is gone and am sort of grateful to God that a decison was made that I was not daring enough to make, but am not happy about it.

a person that wants you doesn't want your address

Done

"Preach the gospel at all times, use words only when necessary." - St. Frances

I am now done with my first semester of law school. 4 exams down and now it's time to wait for my grades. I don't feel like I did amazing, but I did work very hard and hopefully I did ok. I'm going to be so happy to get some sleep and not load my body with crap like red bull everyday. I feel like I should be more excited, but I feel more relieved. I do have to say that I am very very happy that I started law school this fall. Coming to Miami was a blessing and I'm glad I'm still on my way of following my dream to be a lawyer or at the least getting my law degree. Here are some things I learned while studying. You can't remember something you didn't understand in the first place. I did a lot of reading, I mean it was pretty much reading and memorizing all day and sometimes I would try to memorize stuff I didn't really understand, but I hoped if I memorized that it would click at the exam. Like I said, if you don't get it, it is not worth trying to memorize, I mean try, just know it is harder. Luckily I felt like I got a lot of it. Also, tapes and CDs are very helpful, I plan to use them next semester too. Finally, tying exams as opposed to handwriting them was a godsend. I have the worst handwriting and no matter how I did, I would have done worse handwriting it.

After my last exam, Frank, Fede and I went to eat lunch at a Nica restaurant down on the 107 by FIU. I got in trouble because I tried to order Mexican type food at a Nica place, so I ended up trying new things, something I'm not very good at. The area was called Sweetwater and it is about half an hour away, but it's always a good trip. The funny thing was I was told a story at the restaurant by Frank that Sweetwater was founded by runaway midgets from the circus. It was a good story, I mean first they were runaways and the whole area was full of small midget houses. Now I don't know if the story is true, but it was told well. Now it is a very Nica area, which is funny cause the joke has it that they showed up and didn't want to mess with all the Cubans, haitans or white people so they took over the midgets land cause they couldn't fight back. The meal was good, but another chance for me to look like an idiot because I didn't know Spanish and a lot of people don't speak English. It was embarrassing as usual, but maybe not as much as the talk about salsa and how I don't know how to dance.

Speaking of, I had been using my long days in my room of which are to be used for studying, to also download audio books and the such. I figure that I can start to listen to more books and learn stuff. I got the idea from learning Civ Pro, Contracts and Torts from CDs. I got some good Spanish in your car downloads, so once I get them burned to CD hopefully I can start to work more on that.

Frank found out today that he got a job as a law clerk. He is really excited, he has very good grades and it has been hard for him to find a job and if this works out, he will be set for graduation. He is a good role model, I wish I was as hard working.

I was talking to a friend, who is 34, but I'd think he was 26 or so. We were talking shop during the exams and then I could hear his daughter on the other side of the line and I mentioned something about missing class. He said, you are here on vacation right?, what reason do you have to miss class. He was like, I mean you don't work, you don't have kids, why reason would you not go? He made a good point, but the idea that I am here on vacation in a sense is somewhat true. Not just because I am in Miami, but I still don't have any real responsibilities. I don't have kids, have to support myself, have a chick, or any other obligations, but school. I am very lucky and very blessed. I don't not want any of those obligations because I do wish I could have my degree, could be working, raising a family and in love, but I still value the fact that I am living a relaxed life right now.

Fed got me America the book by Jon Stewart for Christmas. It was really awesome of him, especially how much I enjoy the daily show. I have read part of it and it is a pretty funny book and is right up my alley.

I have until now and the 20th to relax, do laundry, clean up and enjoy Miami. I do plan to do a lot of relaxing, start running again as I was doing before finals and going back to church. A lot of students went home right afterwards, but I am really happy I took some time for myself.

It is time to do what I always knew was best

Finals

"You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next." - Just Married

I am now done with my first real law school final, Property. I won't talk too much about the exam because there isn't much I can do about it now, but I did study hard for it, so I hope I was able to translate that on the test. I figured I'd take a few moments to write for a bit. The preparation for the first exam was hard, but now I am off in a Marathon of exams until Dec 11th with an exam every 3 days. I pretty much get two days an exam to study. Of course as times goes on, my energy is decreasing and my motivation is also not what it used to be. I hope I can really do well because I feel like I am putting a lot of myself into this, I mean I don't do much else. Yeah I procrastinate like everyone else, but I am not slacking off. I have had a few distractions during this study period, but nothing that has blown me off course in anyway.

I have been reading a bit about cats because of the procrastination factor. It is interesting to learn why they do certain things. I've read a lot about how animal's are just like machines, but people put human emotions on them so we are the ones that think they are angry, mad, happy or loving. It is an interesting debate I think, because I'd hate to think they are just acting on instinct solely. The cool stuff I have read is how cats tend to train humans, and I've noticed that I am pretty trained. Also it hit me that Mia's name is the first 3 letters of Mia-mi. I didn't intend for that, but it's cool. I guess she will always be a reminder of my time here. I'm still trying to find a sitter for them when I leave for break, it is going to be two weeks, and so far I don't have anyone so I am somewhat worried. There is a service that charges about 250 bucks, but that is way too much. I wish I knew more people that weren't going home for break or lived here.

The Cable company just changed all the channels. This totally sucks because now I have to learn a whole new set. Imagine, you grow up learning channel 4 is cbs and when you leave to college channel 4 is something else. Then you finally learn channel 4 is ABC in NY and then you move to Arlington and channel 4 is NBC. You move a city away (Alexandria) a year later and channel 4 is now WB. Then you move to Miami and channel 4 is UPN. Then about 6 months later they change it on you. Now imagine that for every channel. It is really annoying and I hate not being able to quickly jump to comedy central because I'll have to check all the channels now. Also, I need to reprogram my TV because now I have a channel 18 and there wasn't one before, so my TV skips it right now. See I tell you procrastination can kill you.

You would you rather be forgotten or just not exist?

Thanks for Study Week

"She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams And I could tell that time had changed me In her eyes too it seemed We tried to talk about the old days There wasn't much we could recall I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all." - Garth Brooks - Unanswered Prayers

Today is my last day of class. A lot of people are missing because they have left for Thanksgiving already. I wish they would have canceled my classes, but I got a good Property review session and a boring final Torts class. I have this final last, so I will try to study for it first and then not worry about it until after I am done with my other classes. The amount of information I need to be able to put down on paper is a lot, so this is going to be quite the experience.

Thanksgiving is coming up. This is going to be the first Thanksgiving I spend alone. My roommate is going home and I'm going to be here in my apartment with my cats. In the past, I've either been with my family, close friends or a loved one, but Christmas is very soon and I'll see everyone then. My plan is to buy some Boston Market turkey, eat my own mini meal and then watch the Cowboys and then on Friday Texas play A&M. After, I will probably just use the time to study for these finals. I hope to have less holidays like this in the future.

I finally saw the movie Paper Chase. I thought it would totally inspire me to study harder, but instead it just made me procrastinate from studying for a few hours and then back to normal. It was nice to see a movie about law school that wasn't Legally Blonde. I didn't really understand the motivations behind the female character, but it was an old movie so I won't think about it too much.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I found out that she was getting married. I was pretty impressed because she is about to make a decision to spend the rest of her life with someone she met only a few years ago. I'm impressed on how sure she is about her decision. It makes me wonder how long you need to date someone before deciding to get married. I feel like when you are younger you want to wait more years, but once you hit like 30 or so, then it seems like a year is usually how long people wait. I can't see myself knowing in such a short period of time if I could be with someone for the rest of my life after knowing them for only a few years, but as you get older I feel like you are forced to make this decision with less time. I was talking to another friend and they were pretty sure the didn't want to get married until much much later in life.

This may sound very simple, but remember to look both ways when crossing the street. It is something we learn when we are small, but as we grow up you tend to feel that the world is safe for some reason and take things for granted. There have been so many times in my life when I only looked one way or wasn't paying close attention and was about to take a step and I stopped b/c I heard something there was a car coming that would have killed or hurt me. I'm pretty good about looking both ways, especially around traffic, but I only have to get it wrong once. So be careful because the other day I was an idiot and missed getting hit for just day dreaming and walking to my car.

I love the weather here. It is getting cool, but it is still on the 80s. I really don't like cold weather. This is so much better for my mood and just for my overall well being. I have been decently healthy allergy and cold wise while living down here. Of course I know I speak too soon, since any sickness that has eluded me will quickly find me now that finals are here.


Here is part of an article I found interesting so I wanted to share it. Of course I'm always wondering what a person can do to foster the relationships in their lives and I don't think I've yet figured it out:

Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that! Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable." Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be
changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like." While it sounds easy -- and while it can be easy -- this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

memories won't let me go

I Knew What To Expect

Jesus said, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26).

I had a good meeting yesterday with the Catholic priest from the church I have started to go to. I asked him a lot of questions I had been thinking about like:
When can I take communion? Can I take it if I don't go to confession?
Can you explain the praying to saints and virgin mary thing?
Literal or general interpretation of the bible?
Difference between Catholics and Baptists? (said Baptists are really literal about their interpreation of the bible.)
Which bible is the best one? (said many are approved by Catholic church, but the one they use in mass is the "New American Bible".)
What do I need to do to be part of the church and one day marry through the church?
My concern with blaming God for things and not taking responsiblity for our choices and actions. The role church plays in spirituality.
How important are good intentions?

He was very willing to talk to me and wasn't condesending or anything. He was nice and really down to earth and his Irish accent made listening more interesting because I rarely hear it other than in movies. I didn't want to take up too much of his time, so I didn't belabor points or go off on too many tangents. His office was really normal looking, like that of a professor with books and a computer and he was dressed normally. I guess I just really had no clue what to expect because I have only seen him at church dressed up.

He brought up an example where Jesus says to hate your mother and father and how he literally didn't mean to hate your parents. (It would conflict with the 10 commandments), but the point Jesus was trying to make is that you have to hold Jesus above everything. I went online to read up more about this and I found a funny satire site of a Baptist Church online. It made me laugh because it takes some time to figure out it is a satire and there is funny stuff like pictures of people in white costumes burning crosses and explaining a justification for it. Here is their joke on the quote above. I wouldn't read it if you take offense easily. http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0504/mothersday.html

My biggest concern about church is the judgment part and how church going people tend to be such judging jerks who cast everyone to hell and feel like their own sins are justified because they attend church. I can choose how to apply the bible and my spirtuality to my life, but I don't feel the right to go around applying it to other peoples lives. I understand I must spread the word, but I'd rather just do it by example and I think each person needs to find God, not have him shoved down your throat for fear of being sent to hell for eternatity. Maybe I have it wrong, maybe my views will change over time, but they are just that, mine and they are my right.
So back to my point, I felt good knowing that this priest was more liberal than I expected and was more in tune with reality than I feel a lot of overly christian people are. I felt like I could trust a man who was going to be open minded about the world and the bible. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to teach my kids one day about God. See Saved, it's funny.

I didn't do my reading for contracts last night. Instead I went to bed early and tried to wake up and do it. I woke up and didn't have much time, so I quickly read through all 4 cases before going to class. I had them all briefed using rom law, but one case wasn't in there, so I just put a very short summary of the case in my notes. I thought of missing class, but I really needed to learn about condition precedents, so I showed up. I didn't get called on for the 1st two cases, but then I asked a question and I got called on for the next case in which I didn't have a brief. I did read it, but quickly, so I did the best I could trying to be confident, but not having a brief makes it hard and I couldn't remember the minute details of the case because I read it so fast, so I kept trying to bring it back to the bigger picture. I didn't look like a complete dumbass and some people were real nice and told me I did a good job, but I was upset because I enjoy getting called on when I know the case. She had only called on me once this year I think, maybe twice at most. So here I got a case I didn't know as well as I know the other cases, and I didn't get a chance to show to the professor that I am really learning this stuff. At least now we are done with with the material for contracts, now its just time to learn it. That is what I get for asking a question.

Yesterday I had a good conversation with my older sister. She was telling me a story and she mentioned feeling like a coward in a sense. We talk about how the "do unto others" view of life has really fucked us over because it doesn't let us be complete assholes and we feel guilty when we do bad things. I told her about my theory of how I don't have the killer instinct and how I can't kick a guy while he is down (literally) and how I even feel bad for evil people. I even have trouble telling people to fuck off and verbally be mean to them because I feel bad even though I might be feeling it inside and thinking it. Now don't think I'm all self rightous, I mean I can be a jerk and do bad things, but I think in general I try to do all things with good intentions and when I don't I genuinely do feel bad. I think I need to worry less and just speak up and call things as they are. At least I am glad I am not the only person feeling this way.

So here is a dream I had last night. Take it for what it is worth, I hate reading people's dreams, but writing my own is actually fun. It was the typical getting chased by the bad guy type of dream where you run and try to hide, but there seems to be no escape. He had a machine type gun and shot a lot of people and I was next on the list. I slammed a door between him and myself, but of course it wouldn't lock, so I used my body to hold it shut as he tried to get in. Then it hit me that he could just shoot through he door and kill me, so I had to move from the door and let him in and just hope to attack him and grab his gun before he could shoot me. I was of course wishing I had my own gun, but I had nothing but my own two hands. So I crouch down and as the door opens and he shoots in, I jump up at him and grab the gun and knock him down. I get the gun and instead of shooting the guy in the face or heart, I shoot him in the knees to remove the immediate threat. He is lying on the floor in pain, but alive and I point the gun at him and hesitate and then shoot at his chest. The gun of course runs out of bullets and I can't kill this bad guy who was trying to kill me and killed people who were important to me. The gun never seems to work in my dreams, that and cars, cars either won't start or the brakes don't work. So as I stand there with a malfunctioning gun, I should probably just start attacking this guy with my hands, but I just don't know what to do. The killer instinct I tell you, I should have just jumped on him and beat him up, but instead I felt bad, scared and uncertain. Now this of course was just a random dream and of course can't be taken literally because I don't go around trying to kill evil gunmen with their own guns, but it did make me feel like I need to be assertive when I have an advantage. BTW I don't believe in owning a gun because I worry I will shoot or be shot by a person I know by accident. I do care about protecting my home though so I think when I'm older I'll get one of those tazer guns or something that can help me fight off a guy with a gun, even though the odds of it happening is very low. Same way I think girls should carry pepper spray (of course know how to use it).

Finals are right around the corner, so I'm assuming I'll won't be writing too much until after I'm done due to my need to not get distracted during this time of trying to learn a semesters worth of material in about 2 weeks. This is probably 2 of the most important weeks of my life (at least in respect to my career). So if I know you, please ignore me during this time because I will looking for ways to procrastintate like no other. Just me and my girlfriend lawschool locked up in a room as I try to learn/memorize as much as my mind will let me.

am I that expendable? wonderful but...

Barbri Contracts

"Rationalization may be defined as self-deception by reasoning."
Karen Horney

Saturday was quite the day. I slept in until noon which isn't really sleeping in on a Saturday, but called waking up. I came to school at 3pm for a Barbri video on Contracts. It is now 6pm and I feel like the video is ok, but I'm enjoying the CD more than this video. The problem with CDs is that I listen to them in my car and my trip to school is about 10mins (longest 30). I tried to listen while I was running, but I don't think clearly when I'm tired.

I drive a whole lot more than I did in DC. I've easily surpassed doubling the miles I drove there in a year. I enjoy driving. It might take 30 mins to show up at a friends house, but it gives me time to think and listen to music. Driving to school each morning is so much better than walking to school in the snow. I really missed driving these past few years and I am very happy I got it back.

Going to church has always been something I know I need to do, but I've never fully integrated into my life. So I'm looking around for a church, but for now I'm going to a Catholic church near my house. One of the hardest parts of church for me is that it is before noon on Sundays and I have trouble waking up before noon on any day. I can't do Saturday night mass because I don't know, I just feel church should be on Sunday. Well this church has a 5:30 mass on Sunday. This totally fits in my schedule. I mean, it doesn't cut in the middle of my day so I can't really do much on Sunday, but it's hard to miss. Plus if I have something that evening, I can just make the effort to get to the 11am mass. Let's see how this all works out though.

totally worth it - just let go of the fear

Ignore Me

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and introduced us to irony. Jackass.

Seth about Summer: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be passive aggresive?

Sandy: Denial is a very effective coping mechanism.

Julie: He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!
Jimmy Cooper: But you are from Riverside.
Julie: It was his tone!

- The OC random quotes.

Sometimes talking about something is a way to jinx it, but I'll do it anyway. I started running again. I'm only doing 2 miles a day, but I plan to move up to 4 miles after 2 weeks and at that point move up my speed. It has only been 4 days and I worry the weekend will kill my motivation and now that finals are coming I won't have time, but I know I can make time. Come Monday I'll going to add the weights part of the workout, but it sucks to not have a spotter.

The OC is back. I didn't want to watch it when it came out, but I am addicted. I will not watch North Shore though. In watching the show I was talking to a friend and I asked her who she thought was more my type of girl, Summer or Marissa. {back to the old days when you said, I get to be leonardo, no I want to be michaelangelo} I thought she would pick Marissa, but instead she picked Seth's mom Kirsten. Of course they are all attractive, but this was about personality fit. Now we talk about which male character I empathize with the most. Again here I thought it would be the Seth character but I actually think it would be the Jimmy character. He falls in love with Kirsten when he is young (who is the perfect girl), they break up, he marries a total evil bitch, then falls for this free spirit who loves him, but doesn't know what she wants and ends up leaving him to go to Japan. This is a good guy who seems to do things with the best intentions, but somehow things don't seem to work out in the end for this guy. Now don't get me wrong, I know this show is just about looking at hot attractive people and wishing you had the problems of being rich and not knowing which hot girl to pick. It is still fun to watch. Here is a quote I read about the OC.
In "The O.C.", the writers actually explore questions of money, class and love in the various adult couples in a way that brings Jane Austen to mind; we can relate to the struggles the characters are going through even if their day-to-day lives are completely foreign from our own.

I don't understand myself. I think I lie to myself and I believe it and therefore I can't see the true world. Imagine having a rational voice over your shoulder with it telling you about the reality of what you are experiencing. You know, being honest with you. Say, hey fat ass start studying. Or, she is great you are being an idiot, or she is not great you are being an idiot. I don't know if I would be listening to that voice, but it would be nice to have it. I don't think I can objectively look at things from outside myself because it will always be jaded with my way of looking at the world.

I got my Legal Writing final exam grade and I got 39 of 42. I am kind of upset I didn't get a 41, but I won't complain. I heard there was a prefect score, but I don't know what the curve is yet, but I guess I hope the rest of the grades where low as to help me out. I think that unless I really did bad on my final open memo, I should possibly get an A in the class, but at the least a B+. I really enjoy writing and if my gpa sucks I want to at least be able to say I'm a good writer. {editor's note: found out it was a 39 out of 40 not 42.}

Look at this headline "Police use stun gun on 6-year-old." This is a perfect example of sensationalism. It makes you think, man, those fucking assholes tazing a 6 year old little boy. (notice how we assume boy, boys get into kinds of stupid shit.) One headline when you open the link was a bit more fair and said, "Officials: Child was cutting himself with glass." So yeah, in short the kid was cutting himself up and talking to him to stop didn't work, so they did it to protect him. They should have just punched him in the face, it would probably hurt less than 10,000 volts. Either way, it seems somewhat justified, though if it could be argued there was a safer option, then let the courts decide this...but really the headline makes it sound like "cops stun little boy who was just sitting there." It got my attention so I guess it worked.

I don't know what people in my class think of me. I'm sure some think I'm annoying and others don't even know my name. But there are names that keep coming up as people that annoy everyone. Here is the funny part. I was talking to one of those people and she started going off on this person in our class that he/she hates. I mean the anger s/he expressed was impressive. The funny part is that the person s/he was talking about is the 2nd most annoying person to him/her. I wanted to tell her to cut that person a break because they were much worse, but I let them live in their own little world. So if this person is clueless that people want them to shut the hell up, it makes me think I could be clueless too...I mean wouldn't it be ironic if I was above that person in people hated most. Of course I don't think I am and am pretty sure I am not, but that person doesn't know so it does make you think. I have learned something in law school, participation is hard. I enjoy asking questions, so I make an effort not to. I limit myself to one question per day in two classes. I really want to ask 10, but I don't want to annoy everyone. Therefore I try to pick the most kick ass question I can and keep the small ones for later. The thing is when you get used to not asking questions, then you just don't want to ask questions, which is how I am in some classes.

What a terrible idea, I should not have gone.

Fighting the feeling to dial

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt......If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake." - President Thomas Jefferson

Finals are getting closer, so I won't talk about it too much right now since I'm sure it will be the topic of choice for the following weeks until I am done Dec. 11th. I have a good month break, but I'm not sure how I am going to spend it. I'm sure I'll go home, but for how long I am not sure.

Tuesday I had to wait for the cable guy. They told me 2-5pm. I have class until 3pm so I decided to be adventurous and show up at 3pm and if he came, well no HBO for Marty. I get free cable, but no HBO and I have a lot of shows I follow there, so I figured it was time to get it. I get home and then wonder if the guy already came and left or not. So I don't leave or do anything. Finally I get a call saying he is running late and will be there at 6pm. I feel like my gamble paid off when I find out he hadn't come yet, but I was wrong. The guy didn't actually get there until 7 or 7:30. I got my cable, but am mad I stressed about not being home for that hour. This is my life, be envious.

Angie starts her new job today. I wish her good luck. She seems to worry a lot about making the right decision in her life, such as picking the right job and the right path. Hopefully this job will work into her plan. I'm sure she will enjoy it. Yesterday some one called her mother and told her that her daugher (Angie's sister) was in a car accident and to call a certain number. This led to a long period of time where everyone was stressed trying to find the status on her sister. She ended up being in class ok and it was a prank call from a phone booth. I can't believe people could be such jerks. I'm glad it all turned out ok.

I have done my lecture on forwards before and a person that sends you a forward that says if you don't forward you will be cursed is no friend at all. I do argue that if you like the email, copy the substance and forward that, not the threats part. Here is one of those emails. It was a list of things to keep in mind. I threw in my commentary and excuse the bullshit stuff that is so tried and repeated, I can't help it.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- I'd do it only to people I care about.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
- I think it is saying not to marry for just sex, but I think it is important for the person you love to be your best friend because life is long and you'd better like the company of this person. A girl who can have a good conversation is a rare gem I think.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- I do this, but its probably not the best choice as indicated by my bills.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
- I really think those words mean nothing if not followed by actions. Doesn't matter how much you mean it if you don't show it. The worse is "I love you, but.."
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
- Don't expect forgiveness just because you said it, you are not entitled to anything, and be willing to be sorry even if you are not forgiven. I know people that would take the sorry back if you said fuck your sorry to them.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Don't live with them before you are engaged.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
- I don't think people have love at first sight for ugly people. I think you can know at first sight if you could love this person, but I think it just means, wow you were hot and luckily it worked out.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
- Laugh and laugh loud, cause some people have stupid dreams, low expectations or no plan. Make them stand up for their dreams, don't be a dick about it, but being a friend means being honest. I think people are big enough to make their own decisions and not blame you for following their dreams.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
- Might? You will get hurt, but its a great ride I think. Everyone says this crap though, it's in a lot of my quotes, but I think if you are just a good person and care for another person, things will fall into place...the romantic getaway view of love is great, and it has its moments, but over a lifetime, you don't spend it with strawberrys and champage, you spend it with a person you want to be around, someone cool who you can tell about how much you hate the cable man.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Totally about this, I think people should fight, but if you do it unfair then it leads to all kinds of problems, at least you can walk away from a disagreement, but not when a person was just a total bitch to you, you either like them less as a person or are offended on how they portray you as a person.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
- True, but look at how they treat them I think.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
- I'd rather get more out by speaking faster, but I should work on focusing my points more.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
- Maybe just don't answer as it is none of their business.
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Not always, just because you didn't risk much to get something, it doesn't devalue it.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
- According to a teacher I had, don't say "God bless you" and according to another person always say "God" in there...either way, its some sort of pagan thing about losing your soul that really has nothing to do with God, just so you can know.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
- The lesson that you suck, that you might not be as good as the person or that it was fun just to play?
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;and Responsibility for all your actions.
- I have to remember so many acroymns, but thanks to 17 I will stop disrespecting people and being irresponsible...this is common sense, I'd cut this one out.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- Damn, I've been getting this one wrong too. I think they were getting tired at this point, as you probably are. Just be careful when a girl is in the picture, a future wife carries a lot weight even though friendship might be really strong.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Or cut your losses and move on.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- It's good to be positive I think, cause no one likes a negative person, but don't be fake.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
- It is important to have your own life, but alone can get lonely.


Un Dia Lejano
A veces me da por volver a pensar
en esos días que el tiempo borró y en las huellas que dejó

Y cada vez que me alejo te siento más
Y cada vez es más fuerte el sentimiento
de que algún día podrás volver a sanar nuestro amor

A veces me da por correr y escapar
Por lamentar lo que nunca te di
Lo que siempre te escondí

Y cada vez que me alejo te siento más

Tal vez...Algún día lejano quizás...
Te vuelva a encontrar
Tal vez...Algún día lejano quizás
Te pueda olvidar...
Te pueda olvidar...
Te pueda olvidar...
...Amor

Personal Notes:

2-2-2 (-2)

826 to the 836

"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us." - Kevin Arnold The Wonder Years

Sunday I attended a Catholic church in Miami Lakes. I have been looking for a church, but I still feel somewhat like a Christian free-agent right now, so I figured I'd start with the Catholic church and find out where I best fit in. The problem is that the catholic church is what I am used to, so it feels the most familiar and comfortable. I have a lot of problems with organized religion, but it is still the foundation of my faith. The good outweighs the bad, so I know I need it (organized religion) in my life even though I might not agree with every tenant. I think that the fact that there are so many different church's and types of Christianity show that the Bible is open to many interpretations. Here is an example. In the old testament it said that if your brother dies and your wife does not have kids, that you should marry his wife. Now in reality I don't think I'd be all that happy with my brother marrying my wife, I mean if they fell in love maybe, but not just cause the bible says so. Later in the new testament a person asks Jesus who would be the true husband of the wife in heaven and Jesus pretty much tells him that the way we see things on earth isn't the same as heaven. Exactly Jesus, thanks, so then why do people keep trying to make Heaven and God so earthy. There are streets of gold in heaven, because we value gold in earth, but I'm sure Heaven doesn't need streets and gold isn't precious in heaven, but we try to find a way to make it fit our own existence. So back to that story, the priest at chruch pretty much said that the reason behind the story of the brother and the wife was a simple property issue. If your wife dies and has no son to inheirit the property, the property would be lost, so the brother has an obligation to marry the wife in order to protect his brothers land and assests and keep it in the family. Now this public policy issue has more to do with our own human interests and not a direct command from God to marry our dead brothers wife. It really shows that it is man interpretation of God's word. Yet some people would argue that God said marry her and if you don't you are a sinner. Then I'm supposed to go around feeling all guilty cause God is angry I didn't marry my brothers widow. The lesson/interpretation I think we can take from thes story is that we should care for and do all we can for his widow as they are our family as well. That is what I would do and I think God would be more proud of me than of the person that just marries her thinking he is following the word of God. I think, and think for myself, which is what makes church harder for me, but I understand its importance and the importance of structure and community. All my basic values are from my faith, but I do value a woman's right to choose to not a baby if it will endanger her life, with is at odds with the people that say they have ownership of the faith I should have. But I would rather think for myself and make decisions based on what is right. I have heard it said, if you don't believe in Jesus you are going to hell. I don't believe that, I think a good person who doesn't believe in Jesus won't be in hell while some asshole who was a dick on earth but believed in Jesus and didn't sin more than the average person will go to heaven. It gets worse, then its not just your belief in Jesus that keeps you from going to hell, but you have to be of a certain religion too or you are going to hell. So if you are not Catholic, or Baptist, or Methodist, you are totally screwed (each might think about others). I'm not the perfect Christian, I don't have that false impression and pointing out how other Christians have problems doesn't make me a better Christian I know that, but I feel that I approach my faith in the right way and not as a crutch or as an excuse so that I don't have to take responsibility for my life. I'll stop talking about this topic for now because I know it's one that really can get to some people and people don't usually respectfully disagree with you, they tend to want to dam you to hell, which I for some crazy reason thought only God could do.

Sunday night I went with Francisco and Fed to a comedy show at FIU. It is weird, but somehow all roads have seemed to lead to FIU. It comes up a lot. I know a lot of people that have gone there, I've driven by there and now even went to one of their events. Yet I feel like I know so few people from UofM, which was the school I thought all roads would lead to. It was nice of Frank to invite us. We saw Carlos Mencia, a latino standup comic. It is kind of interesting because back in college I wanted to bring Culture Clash up to Cornell, but when I researched it I couldn't afford their fee. I talked to Rick and he told me to bring up Carlos Mencia and that he was awesome, but I forget why I couldn't get him either. So I end up bringing up Adrian Villegas from the Latino Comedy Project. He was pretty good and later in college, MEChA some how found a way to get Culture Clash to come for a better price. But in all that, I never got to see Carlos Mencia. Well I finally got my chance. He is a damn funny comedian. I don't agree with all the bullshit he dishes out, but a lot of it is on point and pretty damn funny. They mentioned he is getting some deal with Comedy Central, so I look forward to seeing that show. It felt good to take a break from everything and just laugh my ass off. It is good for the soul.

I think I should just accept it, but I am a clutter person. I don't like to throw stuff away and my room is just like my mind, just a cluttered mess that only makes sense to me. I don't worry too much about things matching and I feel like "I might need everything" so I keep it and it just piles up. I saw this room of this guy and all it has was a bed, TV and nice room decorations (like nightstand, etc.). It was simple, matching theme, uncluttered and I guess minimalistic. It looked awesome, but I don't think I could live like that, I like having my tissue box out for when I sneeze, my pens incase I need 4 or 5, my two way ear phone jack on the table, who knows when I will need that. I like my room to look lived in because it is where I live. I am an organized person, but in a weird way. I think I need to work more on making my stuff look simple and inside drawers is all my clutter, instead of on my table, around my computer and on my floor.

Today I got called on in class. I was happy that I was prepared for the case, but I had to skip lunch so that I could read my cases to get ready for that class, which ended up being totally worth it. I didn't get any hard questions, but I feel like I laid out the case in a simple to understand conversational manner and at the least didn't look like an idiot in front of my class. Who knows, maybe I did. I dread the day I will be unprepared and look like a total ass. I haven't been called on recently, which is why I make mention of this.

I miss my ice cream and cake

Love me if you Dare

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

Sometimes things look like they are going well and you wait for that moment for the carpet to get pulled from under you. That moment knows just how to find you, it finds you when you relax and start to enjoy yourself. I've known that moment well.

I took Koki and Mia to the vet today. I called and made an appointment, but just like an eye doctor, appointments are for show, and it didn't really matter when I showed up. Of course I got there on time and had to wait. I think the landlord saw me when I put the cats in the truck, so that might not be good. End of story, $150. That is love I tell you. So I go in and Koki and Mia stopped meowing when they see the dogs on the waiting room. Not so tough when they see bigger animals. This might seem weird, but I don't know Koki or Mia's bdays. I have started to forget even the month they were born in, so I'm losing track of their ages as time goes on. I really should figure this out and write it down. I lied to the vet and gave them vague estimates. I went in to see the doctor and a nurse came in. Koki hissed at her. Koki is usually sweet with other people, she did go crazy when Mia came, but I thought she was better. She must really not like the vet. The nurse said she was very possessive of me and also said koki has a small, but very nice face. I never thought of her face as small. Things didn't get better when the doctor came in and gave her a rabies shot. The doctor did tell me that I didn't need to get the leukemia shots for the cats because they don't interact with other cats, so I should save the money, but then he gave them the shots anyway and they were on the bill. I guess it is better that they have them. This is what I learned, I got medical confirmation that Koki is indeed a fat ass. I guess Herbert and everyone else was right. She weighed 11 lbs, which I guess isn't good. The doctor told me to put her on a diet if I want her to live a long life. No more eat when you want for Koki. I also learned that Koki and Mia have ear mites, which explains the stratching of the ears. I have medication to give to them to help this problem. The problem is that I don't know how to check if they are gone. The doctor had to leave for an emergency, and I guess the fact I was paying double for the same visit (in fees) since I had two cats, didn't give me much time to shoot the shit with him. 6 more months until the next appointment, but if the cats are healthy, I'll probably wait until a year.

I rented a movie on netflix for Angie. It is a French film called Love me if you Dare. I enjoy foreign films, but I don't actively seek them out. I guess because of that, I've only seen very good ones. I enjoyed this movie. It was different and it kept my interest, though it did drag a bit at the end, the premise was good. In short, the movie is about dares. We had some Nicaraguan food, which was very good, but still tasted like most latin american food I have had. They, like everyone else, love their plantains. I tried the plantain chips, which were starting to grow on me, but I'm not not feeling the fried plantains. I got to meet Joe, the cat Angie is taking care of. He is a cute kitten, just a few weeks old, but not as good looking as Koki if you ask me. He has this little tiger look, but he is really sickly, he needs all kinds of medication. Hopefully he heals up and grows up to be healthy. I learned today at the vet there are 7 (maybe 12) cats born for each baby in the United States. That is why there are so many strays and why so many have to be killed.

When you look at my life and different aspects of it, I see themes. There is a common denominator in all things that go wrong in your life and that is you. So be it love, academics, health, church or friendships, when things go wrong, you should probably look inward first. I talk of doing this, but I don't think I do it enough. Of course the one I tend to talk about the most is relationships. I guess when you have an approach to things, you tend to try to make the approach work for you, instead of changing that approach. Then I spend so much time thinking of that approach and not my approach to school, to friends, to life. It might explain why I'm a slow running, single, non-guitar playing, monolingual, and mediocre student.

Everytime you meet a girl you hear, "I don't get along with girls, all my friends are boys." I bet those girls you are talking about are those that have friends that are only guys too. The question comes, can a guy and a girl be just friends. I think they can, but I think most of the time there is a sexual interest on one side. Most of the time on the side of guys, cause you don't have to like someone to have sexual interest in them. Here is a conversation I found that I found interesting.

Female comment:
I don't know if this has been discussed properly and I couldn't find it if it was. Like in the movie When Harry Met Sally, I wish to discuss the topic that can men and women can really be just "friends" or does one of them inevitably HAVE to have a sexual attraction to the other? My opinion is that women can definitely have male friends that they are not sexually attracted to, (I have been friends with guys and I swear I really, really don't ever want to have sex with them) and I find that they are just funny or smart or whatever, and I enjoy their company, just as I would another female with the same attributes. But I find it difficult to believe that any man would want to INSTIGATE a platonic friendship with a girl that they were not sexually interested in, because of their genetic makeup. Please tell me, guys, if this is not correct!!! I am curious to know if any guys out there have ever INSTIGATED a friendship with a female that they would not ever have sex with in a million years. I don't think it counts as a male/female friendship for a guy if the girl instigated the relationship....The reason I use the key word "instigate" is because I've never known a man to be friends with a girl they wouldn't want to get in the sack with...
Male comment:
I think for most men the point is that there is RARELY a time that, if the moment came up, they would elect not to have sexual contact with a female friend. In HS and college, I ended up hooking up with most of my female friends, whether I wanted to date them or not. Sometimes, they liked me in romantic ways, sometimes they did not, sometimes they had b/fs and were cheating on them and still didn't have romantic thoughts about things. This is why men have to take a view on their g/f's male friends: It is axiomatic for most men that your g/f's male friends would have sex with her if they could, simply to do it. Without evaluating other factors (they would but they like you, they would but they won't help someone cheat, they would but they would be cheating, they would but... something else), there is no trusting other men unless you have an affirmative reason to do so. This is why there are so many posts on here about g/fs hanging with other men - either she doesn't know what people are like, she doesn't care, or she conviently enjoys lying to herself.

So yeah, there are many views on this, this being only two, but I think Chris Rock has a good one on this topic too. My view is that I'll always be sexually attracted to attractive women, but if I was in love or in a relationship, I wouldn't act on those feelings because I would have something that is more valuable. It's that moment when you don't see your relationship as valuable that things tend to go wrong.

cake and eat it too - sucks to be the cake.

Drag me out of bed

"In a Democracy, people get the kind of government they deserve." - Winston Churchill

Ok, now it is time to stop feeling like crap and move on with life. So hard not to be pissed off. The Daily Mirror from England put it well, "How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" I would have never guessed that hating gays and values would rank above the economy and terrorism. It totally blows my mind. Jon Stewart put it best, when he said that the state most affected by terrorism (NYC) and who has the most gays, voted for Kerry, but the red states, who have nothing to terrorize, somehow felt it was their place to say how we should be safer. A pro-life party who is willing to send thousands of young poor Americans to die for a war that was not necessary, kills retarded people and lets AK47s get back on the streets. We offered to take your mess and clean it up, but now you can't blame inheriting anything on your problems. Ok, now I'm going to focus my energy back on school where it should be. Let's see how that transition goes.

I have been playing online poker and for a while I was doing pretty well. I was on a good run of winning about 50 bucks a day and quitting. Well now I am on a terrible run of luck. I am losing with pocket KK and pocket AA. I think I gamble when I'm depressed and it just makes it worse. Maybe transferring balances around to get lower interest rates today didn't help out much.

Don't you sometimes wish you had a stranger friend...a person that didn't know you at all, couldn't judge you, that you talk to and ask advice from without worrying that they willl form an opinion about you. I have good friends that don't judge, but sometimes I want the advice of a stranger, a person that doesn't know me or my friends. I guess I worry too much about being consistent I forget about being true to myself.

The OC is back, but I think I missed some episodes from last season, so I was pretty lost. I'm sure the addiction will resurface once again. Sherk 2 is coming out tomorrow, I think I'm going out to buy it. I've missed the last two weeks of smallville as well, my tv watching habits are going down the drain.

I used to really like that song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. I remember how a girlfriend I had from high school told me she liked that song a lot too, but that she felt very sorry for the ex-girlfriend in the song (the girl he prayed every night for God to make her his) because she felt the song was fair to that girl. I always found it interesting that she ended up becoming that girl. I heard the song today and thought about that.

So Angie is going to take care of a sick dying cat for her friend. The cat is named Joe and is a 2 months old I think. She has to feed it every 4 hours, give it shots, and put drops in its eyes every 2 hours. Did I mention the cat is blind too? That is dedication to keep the cat alive. Plus she has to take care of it for almost 3 weeks. It will be interesting to see how this works out, especially since she starts a new job on Monday.

I do miss the taste of strawberry shortcake

Another 4 Years

"The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough." -Bede Jarrett The House of Gold

I was wrong. My faith in America was not restored. We lost Florida and Ohio. I feel bad for all those new minority voters that came out to vote and found out that maybe they can't make a difference. It is going to be hard to energize them to vote again in 4 years. I really believed we would take this country back from a party that cares more about corporations, oil, the rich and overly religous right. Like I said, I was wrong. At least in 2000 I didn't know what to expect, I felt bad for Gore and was clearly outraged by the Supreme Court decision, but I didn't expect things to turn out like they did. Now I know what to expect, with control of the senate and the presidency, now the Republicans are going to get everything they have every wanted. I fear for women's rights (abortion), affirmative action, minumum wage, anti-discrimination laws, immigration, the separation of church and state, a bad approach to win the war in Iraq, the rights of gays, and the future of our poor. I am happy that 48% of Americans did vote for a change, which means that there is room to keep fighting. Where did these republicans come from? I know they had more money, but I thought hard work would counter that, I guess not. I am upset Mel Martinez won, his campaign was more dirty than I have ever seen in my life, but I guess the people in Florida didn't care. If healing means becoming republican, then what kind of compromise is that.

I feel pretty down, I'll probably use today to mope and get over it tomorrow. I don't know if it is time to jump ship from the democratic party and join Ralph Nader or to stick with a party whose base is much larger and might have a chance in 2008. Hopefully Hillary will make a good candidate. So I just slept and didn't want to wake up. I finally got up and went to see a movie with Angie so that I could think about something other than the election. If anyone has seen shark, was Jack Black supposed to be gay? It was a funny cartoon, but Sherk 2 is still my favorite. I can't wait until it comes out on dvd Friday. Though the distraction was nice, this feeling will probably linger for some time.

Nothing like a broken heart to get over a broken heart

Election Day

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Looking at all the people and their signs, I think about the election of 1860. This was quite the presidential election between Lincoln, Douglas, Breck and Bell. Bell actually wins this election, though History might tell you that Lincoln won and freed the slaves or something or other. What I learned as a campaign manager for Bell was that when people campaign, they become ruthless assholes. At first its just motivation and enjoyment of cheering for your side, but as time goes on and the stakes increase, they become angry and really start to hate the other side. There was this one girl who I thought was the sweetest thing and watching her become a total bitch really threw me off. I later saw her become this way during a game of Taboo, which tells you that people show their true colors when it comes to competition. So as I walk around and see these Bush idiots, I get really angry and I see their anger. My anger is motivated in where Bush has taken our country, their anger is about wanting to win. Looking at the jerks outside the polling place (on both sides) makes me want to go and counter them, but I worry I'll become one of them.

I saw P.Diddy on CNN this morning, what an idiot. He was talking about how the first time he voted was in 2000 and how he was disenfranchise. So Bill Hemmer was like, but you got to vote and your vote counted so how were you disenfranchised? P.Diddy said it was because politicians don't care about the young and minority vote, and it made him feel ba.d or something. I hate it when people use words they don't understand, i.e. disenfranchise, and I hate it more when what they do (he get out to vote or die drive) means they should know what that word means. I have said the same about Andre 3000 or whatever his name is, he never voted before either, why are these guys role models for voting. How about people that actually care, people that actually vote.

Juan voted today in NYC. He is proud because he kept his position of voting for Bush. We gave him hundreds of reasons not to vote for Bush and yet he felt it was more important to stick to his stance right or wrong rather than evaluate new information and change. I am proud he voted since it was his first time since becoming a citizen, but if an intelligent person like Juan can be blinded by what is happening in the world, how can I say that all those other Bush supporters are misguided. Hopefully NY goes to Kerry and it won't matter, but its still one more popular vote for the republicans. Jorge has stated he will vote for Nader, a position I don't agree with, but I respect so much more than Juan's. Then again, who I am to be the judge on these people and their votes, well its my page so I guess I can do what I want.

Fed and Jane are working for the election protection group, Angie is working at her non-profit and the Kerry campaign and I'm here at school. I will probably regret not being active enough, but I have my open memo re-write due today. I guess I just don't think that holding a sign is going to be much help this late in the game, and I didn't do election protection training, so I shouldn't be bothering around the polls. I probably could of given rides, but I have a truck and one person at a time wouldn't be much help. Excuses excuses I guess, but I voted which is what is important.

this is sort of equivalent

Legal Writing Final

"I fell in love, gave you my heart

You turned your back, and walked out on me

I once was blind, but now I see

And I'm so glad you set me free." - Rockell

I am now out of my final exam for legal writing. All I have left now is an open memo re-write due Tuesday and I'm 1/5 done with my first semester of law school. Of course, the other 4/5ths is the important part, and I'm far from being ready to take that on. I studied for this final, but not as hard as I should of. I don't know what it was, but during the exam, I feel like I just got it. I might not have been right on a few questions about legal encycopedias, but I feel I was able to tell why all the answers were right and why they were wrong. Maybe it was finding out that I did so well on the first exam that gave me this confidence, but I so worried it was false confidence. I feel like I did well, but I'm told that this feeling isn't always good. We don't find out about our grades until the end of the semester as to not influence us in our other classes. I don't know why, go figure.

After my exam, instead of going home to enjoy my Friday, I met with 3 of my professors to talk about my mid-term exams. My first professor whom whose test I did well, but not exceptional, really inspired me in our talk. We talked for a bit about the exam and then she told me that I was smart and that I can be one of the top 10 kids in the class, but I am going to have to completely devote myself to law school (pretty much work my ass off.) She said she does have many smart students, but she doesn't tell that to everyone. I know it is true that working harder will mean I'll do better, but the proportion is what drives me crazy. I'm going to have to work crazy hard, just to increase a few points. If only we got tests each week, I'd be unbeatable. We'll see if I follow through on that challenge. I then met with another professor whose class I also did well in, and went over my exam. I did great on the multiple choice, but my essay was lacking in the amount of detail. I know I'm a good writer, and I feel like I get the law school essay, but on this test I had the info and didn't get it organized and down well. Then in the class I did the worst in, I went in there and talked to her about how I'm just not getting it. I'm not sure what to do, it makes sense, but how do I tell her, she isn't teaching it in a clear way. I wish she could just say "ok, now this means x." Then I learn x. She says stuff like "well does that mean x, or does it mean y, can it mean both." So I'm like, well I don't know if x or y is better, so I just learn neither. It is my fault I'm not learning it well, I don't dispute that, I just wish she could help me out a bit. She trashed my essay, and after reading it I didn't blame her. She said I was in the mean on the MC, just did really bad on that essay. Like I said, I can write an essay, but I just didn't know the information on this exam I should be writing. I should meet with my professors more.

After my meetings, I went to the mall to get a haircut and do a bit of shopping. I went to Pembroke Pines, which has pretty much everything I need. I don't have much to say about this trip, but the lady that cut my hair really didn't care. She was rushing and there was no one there. You get what you pay for, and she didn't mess it up as far as I can tell so I'll just not complain too much. So I'm walking out and I see two kids playing that game of sorts where they jump the lines on the blocks/lines on the floor. I remember I used to love to do that. I used to even worry I might be obsessive compulsive because I hated walking on the lines. I used to see how many squares I could go with each step and do all kinds of funny things. As an adult, if I can call myself that, man I don't even care about stuff like that. I always thought I would think like a kid as I got older, I guess I don't anymore. Am I really that horse with blinders on that can't see the outside of my daily activities and personal goals?

a good boy

Champions!

"A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...."- Albert Einstein

Congrats to all those Boston fans out there, namely those I know living in Boston, from Boston and who like Boston. You got your World Series and your sweep! 8 games in a row is quite the feat. For fans that knew nothing but misery, this should be interesting to see how they deal with this. My guess is that they will just become obnoxious Yankee fan types. Embrace the moment while you can. Now when people say they suck next year, they can't just blame some abstract curse. There are many reasons I am happy Boston won, one is that I can finally stop watching baseball and use the time to focus on school. Guess there is still college football, NFL, and the NBA.

Today I called up my health insurance company to get the details of my plan. I logged on to the website to see which doctors I could see and I had a lot of options. I guess the only thing that is keeping me from seeing a doctor is my inability to sit down and make an appointment. What type of doctor do you see for learning disorders? I want to get tested for all of them. Well I'll do it next week for sure. Maybe I'll get a general physical too, so that that doctor can tell me to stop eating fried foods and go on a diet.

Let me say it again, I so want this election to be over. 5 days to go and the lies and bitching are just driving me crazy. My bet is that voters will come out in droves and that more minorities will come out, giving Kerry a close, but clear win. It is also my hope more than a prediction, but the worst that can happen is that Bush will win and things will get worse.

What to talk about? I learned today that we get an extra hour Saturday night for Halloween, so 1am - 2am we get to do twice. That is a good hour if you ask me. I don't think I've every fully celebrated Halloween before. I don't think I will this year either, but I have dressed up, I have gone out, but I've never really gotten too excited about it.

I talked to my older sister today. She was on her way to drinks for her 14th anniversary at her job. That is a long time to be working for the same company. I guess we were brought up with loyalty, for better or for worse. It's a pretty awesome accomplishment.

I have a stack of mail, mainly bills, piling up on my desk. Just like everything else in life, I just put stuff on top and try to pretend its not there. If you put stuff off long enough, the idea is that if it is truly unimportant, it will fade away or take care of itself. I think I deal with a lot of stuff by trying not to think about it. Sometimes its easier to not think about things, but some things will always be there, like my lack of knowing/learning Spanish, etc. Is it really ignorance when you choose to be ignorant.

I feel like I have things to say, but they are not coming out. In property we are learning about vested and contingent remainders. I sometimes feel like that about friends. They all start off as contingent remainders (which are easily destroyed), but if they become vested they can't be destroyed. I would rather have a vested remainder than many contingent remainders, due to the fact that you can always count on something that is vested. I pretty much told a friend of mine that I wouldn't have driven him to the polls to vote (had I lived in his city) if I had the option and I'd make him take the bus. (there was justification mind you). That is the type of messed up stuff you can only tell a person you trust, a person you know is truly your friend and thus you can be honest with them and not fake. I really don't know where I'm going with this.

Today I had a 1 hour seminar for my writing class being taught by a 3L law student. She made us read something and asked a question about the issue. No one said anything. Finally after at least 30 seconds, some guy said something, but it wasn't helpful, he just talked cause no one wanted to talk. She asked another question and then silence. She got pissed off and told us that since we didn't give a shit that we should just leave and she was going to give us credit for the seminar. I did feel bad, but it was true, we didn't care, though we should have at least pretended to care. Everyone pretty much blamed it on her for getting upset, but I know it was our collective faults. Actually, its more grey than that, but I left that room feeling pretty bad, though I think I might have been the only one. Mind you, I got over it fast.

I was pretty proud of Angie yesterday because of what she did at work. I won't get into the details, but she cared more about the reasons we are fighting for to win this election rather than the winning in itself. She did end up giving herself more work, but it spoke well for her character. It is good when people impress you. The elderly, poor, and disabled deserve the same rights as everyone else.

I really think Republicans and Democrats want to win so bad, they start to care more about winning and losing rather than the values that established their parties. I think some people would vote down party lines no matter who was running just to further what they think is their agenda. I can see that because I feel like I need to vote against republicans right now just because I don't think they are willing to part with there party when they don't agree. The same could be said of Democrats, but they tend to wield to Republicans a lot more in my opinion. So we have these polorized sides (which a Rep. I know at school blames Gore), and moving towards being moderate makes it seem like you are supporting the other side and you don't want to give them anything. But I'll complain that moderates are bad too because they are just the worst of both worlds instead of the best. I think Ross Perot had a good thing going, if only he could have let someone else run in his place instead of being so selfish. Imagine if we had a real 3rd player in this election, that would be great I think. I'll get in line and say our system sucks, but its representative of human nature I think. You join together to be strong and sacrifice smaller values for the viewed greater good. If only we could find a way to not to have to sacrifice those other issues. Apathy isn't the solution, but I guess that's part of human nature too. When I hear of Blacks who are not voting because they are so discouraged, it angers me at them because it should energize them more, not give them an excuse to quit.

I think I say [write] a lot of stuff to hear it and convince myself of it. I might be feeling down and out so I write about how great life is and reflect on all the good things. But no matter how nice those words look, I know they are more about how I should feel than I do feel. I think I'm pretty good at knowing what I should think, feel and how to approach life, but in reality my actions are not always consistent with that. I talk about seizing the day, yet I count down the hours, days or weeks to certain events...I talk about buckling down and focusing, but I instead find any excuse not to, I talk about completely trusting people, but inside I expect the worse. I say that I don't want to rely on people to be happy, that I'll be happy in myself, yet I know that other people make me happy, a happiness I couldn't have just alone. I tell myself to forgive people, but inside I still harbor resentment when they hurt me. So I write things that tell me how I should think, how I should feel, how I should be, just to keep me from giving up hope.

so how about this?