End of the Year

"A friend to all is a friend to none." - Aristotle

This is my 600th post.  How crazy is that?  And that only includes the entries after I moved from hosting my own site manually to Blogger.  I can't believe I have kept a blog all these years (since 1999) and always go through these moments where I question why I keep one to begin with.  I don't think it is only hubris, but there is something cathartic about putting your thoughts down when you have a lot of things on your mind. I'm sure a private journal would also suffice, but this outlet makes it feel more real.  It is also an outlet that I often find myself in need of.

Now that Facebook has stopped automatic updates to my notes section when I post an entry, I haven't decided if I manually want to update my Facebook with my blog entries or keep this separate.  Before, the update was automatic, so even if I drafted something I felt was too personal for FB, it posted it on its own anyway, so I didn't think much about it.  My last few entries I haven't posted to FB, so keeping this separate is probably what I will do, even though less people will get to see it.  The technicalities aside, I'm still thinking about it.

I kind of jumped the gun and made my previous entry my year in review entry, so I'll focus more on my holiday season.  I got off of work for Christmas on Friday the 23rd and went home to the Valley to visit my family.  My brother Abram couldn't make it because he went to spend Christmas with his fiance's family in Dallas.  The idea of our family Christmas one day branching off into separate family Christmases is still hard to imagine, but that is the way of things.  For now, we will all still gather together at my parents house.

I took my dogs with me on my trip and they behaved great except for the part where they covered my car in mud.  It was raining during the trip and I wanted to make sure they got a chance to use the restroom when I stopped, but I had trouble controlling two wet dogs.  I saw my cat Maddie at my mom's house and she had grown so much bigger during this past year.  It was good to see and visit with my family during the break.  I usually make an effort to visit friends and try to hang out while I am down, but I was down for such a short period of time, that I didn't get to.  That is starting to happen more often than not and is something I need to work on.

Christmas was generally very nice. Nothing out of the ordinary. The family got together and opened presents and the kids had their fun.  The siblings did a gift exchange which worked great.  I got to visit more with all my nieces and nephews, though we had all spent Thanksgiving together so a lot of time hadn't passed.  I tried to engage them in a discussion on agnosticism, but other than really frustrating my mom, I don't think I made much headway.  You would think that, "I don't know" would be an easy framework to approach such lofty issues. That part was fun.  Here are some photos from the trip I took with my new camera that I bought for myself for Christmas. http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157628611181755/  There is this one video I took of my niece Celeste singing that really made my Christmas.

I had to come back to Austin on the 26th for work and ended up working during the week that I had scheduled to be off.  I was able to take a half day on my birthday, the 27th, but did go to work for the first time in my life on that day.  My birthday didn't really feel much like a birthday, my brother came over, we had a beer and I spent the rest of my time with my thoughts instead of out with my friends.  It was what I needed this year I think.

I was pleasantly overwhelmed by the people that wished me happy birthday, especially on Facebook.  I know it can be a facebook reflex at times, but it meant a lot to me and really made my day to know that even for that small time that I was thought of.  Time is one of those things where no matter how hard you try to hold on to it, it always feels like it is slipping away.

When I moved down from DC in 2007, I stored a lot of boxes at my mom's house and now that I have my own house, I tried to bring back as much stuff as I could.  I collect a lot of things and some of the boxes I call my "boxes of memories."  I'm talking about every movie ticket stub from ever date I went on in high school, college photos and books, old letters, cards, pictures and stuffed animals I was given as gifts. One day I plan to go through them and throw out most of the clutter in those boxes, but I sometimes have the problem of revisiting old memories with longing and sometimes it is easier not to think about them.

A lot of things have changed this year and the true test is how I come out on the other side.  I'm writing this on New Year's Eve and even though I usually try to do something big for New Years, this year, I decided not to temp fate by being out on the roads and instead spent it reflecting on my year and thinking about what my goals are going to be for the following year.  I know this wasn't exciting or entirely upbeat, but sometimes life isn't always upbeat.  Nevertheless, it doesn't change my eternal optimism to have a great and wonderful 2012.  I think a lot of great things are in store.

what do I want?

A Tale of Two Years

"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them." – Unknown

I've purposefully shied away from posting entries these past few months for a variety of personal reasons that stemmed, for the most part, from not knowing what to say.  As this is one of my last entries of the year, it probably makes sense to take stock of the year in review. This year has proven to be both an epic year of accomplishment while at the same time, a year of trials and tribulations. The latter half of the year has been vastly different than the first part of the year, to the point where I even feel like a different person.  Sometimes in life things are just out of your control and I have never accepted that kindly.  It is hard to just wait and see how external factors are going to affect the trajectory of your life.

Let me start with the first half of 2011.  The year started off just like one would hope a new year would start.  I became more healthy, started to run more and I made an sustained effort to spend more time with friends. I had friends move to town and I spent a lot of time focusing on my goal of getting into my first home.  When I met that goal, I was very proud and very happy.  I got a lot more of my fiances in order and really hit my stride at work. I may have yet to meet the right person romantically, but I had my share of good dates and really enjoyed myself.  I rediscovered old passions, tried some new things and really tested my belief system.  I even made new friends, caught up with old friends and I finally got to visit San Diego for the first time, which proved to be as great as I had hoped.  I also picked up sailing, got a new tv and generally felt optimistic.

Now it isn't as black and white as the first part/second part of the year, but there were things in the latter part of the year that started to act like body punches or setbacks whose sheer number started to affect me.  I ran into some problems with a few good friends which made me think I might better cope by taking some time to myself.  I dealt with the poignant news of at least three people I have formerly dated getting married, in which your rational genuine best wishes run into your irrational emotional aches. Then you throw on top of that difficult and selfish decisions that although I don't regret them, I have no excuse for. As the year wore on, I became comparatively less social and regressed to my former less-than-healthy habits and paid their toll.  There were other struggles with more complex layers that I won't go into, but I'll leave this note as a reminder to myself of them. It just felt like the trajectory changed and I was too busy experiencing the problems than trying to pick myself up and rebuild.  Life is by no means gloomy, but compared to the great start of the year, it was starting to feel like an uphill battle.  I don't like that I just retreated into my routine. Then you start dealing with the bigger questions like love and kids and I worry that I might be too selfish to want to start a family one day.  Maybe it is all the weddings I've been to and interacting with my friends and cousins who are now parents.  I have a lot of inventory I need to take.

So, as the year comes to a close and I'm about to be one year older and celebrate another birthday, I feel like a boxer barely standing dazed listening to standing 8 count. Either I'm going to get back in and fight through the cobwebs making a dramatic comeback or I'm about to get knocked out by what is probably not that impressive of a punch.  I'm at about count 6 right now and I feel like the waning days of the year are my last two counts before I must get back in the ring.

Now I recognize the melodramatic-ness of painting a year--which I admit has been full of blessings--as ending on such a melancholy note, but the stark contrast from the beginning to now is what highlights things for me.  I'm usually so much more positive and optimistic and come armed with a plan, goals and efforts on being a better person going forward, but right now, I'm still in the taking it in and trying to figure it out stage.  At least I have passed the trying not to think about it stage.

There is something inspiring about the thought that today, the winter solstice, is the darkest day of the year and from this day on out it just gets brighter.  But now as the new year approaches, I have a lot to look forward to and I am genuinely excited.  My brother and two good friends are getting married to wonderful women.  I have a trip planned to Puerto Rico in the spring, and I know that I've learned some important lessons this year.   I'm starting to feel more free to embrace being agnostic while not fully giving up the irrational belief that everything is always going to work out.  Though it has made me less patient when I so often get the lazy advice that God has a plan or will take care of everything, I don't discount the well intention. I feel confident that no matter what theology one judges me under, that the way I live my life is just as noble. I am looking forward to Christmas not for any religious meaning, nor the pagan traditions of trees and wreaths, or even for the commercialized need for shopping, Santa, elves, snowman stories or Christmas music, but for a time I get to spend with family. It is probably just what I needed.  I wish everyone a Happy Holidays.

birthday

Rino and Jess

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married." - Robert Frost

This Thanksgiving weekend, my cousin Rino got married here in Austin to his fiance Jessica.  I was very happy for them and it was a beautiful wedding.  It also served as a family reunion of sorts and I enjoyed visiting with all family on my mother's side.  It was a memorable occasion.

My cousin Rino and I were born seven days apart and lived about an hour away from me growing up.  We spent a lot of time at my grandmother's house.  There were many male cousins in our age group including Adam, Isra, Mario, Abram and myself. Adam, Rino and myself spent a lot of time together as kids getting into all kinds of trouble, but we also made things, broke things and various projects that involved fire. 

When I think about what it means to be a cousin, Rino comes to mind.  Rino and I have this birthday tradition where on December 27th he gives me a dollar and on January 2nd, I give it back to him.  At one point we even framed the dollar and just exchanged the frame.  Even though we played a lot as kids, we didn't really catch up as adults until I moved back to Austin in 2007.  By then he had already met Jessica and it is hard to picture them any other way than together.  I feel like I got to know Jessica pretty well when Rino lived with me at our house in Buda.

You know, I get ahead of myself.  I'll take a step back and talk about the entire holiday weekend.

This year my immediate family had Thanksgiving at my new home.  It felt nice being able to host a holiday.  My father came into town before everyone else on that Tuesday so that we would have time to visit.  He helped me install the two ceiling fans that I bought for my house.  I was very happy with the way they turned out, but too bad I won't really get to enjoy their benefits until the spring.  The next wave of the gang showed up on Wednesday.  This included my niece Rebekkah, my mom, my sister Eliza, her daughters Tori and Celeste, and Gil.  Abram and Ashley helped prepare the turkey for Thanksgiving and I wasn't too involved in the food preparation other than enjoying everyone's good work.  We had a lot of family time, visited and of course, got to watch some football.  It was nice to have everyone together although my sister Ana and her kids didn't get to show up until Friday.

I didn't do any Black Friday shopping unless you count a new camera that I bought for myself online.  Friday we had the rehearsal for Rino and Jessica's wedding.  The church was nice, over 100 years old, with a very kind pastor.  The groomsmen consisted of Rino's cousins, so we were all pretty close.  The bridesmaids were nice and having known Jessica for some time now, I had either met or knew most of them.  I was not a big fan of the wedding planner, she meant well, but was a bit too condescending for my tastes.  I also couldn't understand how or why she could still have an original iPhone.  3G maybe I could understand, but the original?  We were instructed like petulant kids not to chew gum, and not to lock our knees for fear of fainting.  I will say I was honored to be able to stand next to the best man, Rino's cousin Vince.

After the rehearsal, we went to the rehearsal dinner where we were greeted with unlimited pizza and beer.  Had Thanksgiving not been the day before, I think I would've taken greater advantage of the situation.  This was the first time I really got to sit and talk to my cousin Adam, his wife Kirby and relatively newborn daughter Kali.  Something changes in a person when they become a parent I think, they just seem so much more responsible and grounded.  His daughter looked just like him and he called her as a nickname the Spanish word for monkey.  My cousin Israel was also there with his wife and his, also what I would consider relatively newborn, son Mateo.  His son looked a lot like my grandfather and also reminded me of myself as a baby, which made it easy to like him.  Seriously, there were babies and kids everywhere, including my cousin Vanessa's newborn daughter.  I want to make clear, when I use the word newborn, I just mean less than a year old since that is the best I can do in trying to understand the age of the baby without actually trying to keep up.

Friday night, now that my sister Ana and her three kids, Andrew, Michael, Sarah and my cousin Alex and her two daughters were over at my house, we played board games in my living room.  We played the game Gestures, which is just a form of charades that I actually remember playing with my older sister when I was a kid.  It was a very fun time, though I still have to say that Taboo is my favorite game.  I had at least 12 people staying over that night and it was like a little refugee camp, but in a good way that it created the atmosphere for a lot of bonding.  It reminded me how has a kid we would all stay at my grandmother's house for Christmas and it never felt like there were too many people.

Saturday was the big wedding day.  I put on my tuxedo, which included suspenders, something I had never worn before.  I can see why Larry King likes them so much.  I'm not usually a fan of brown, but I think they were nice.  I got to the church early to meet up with the rest of the groomsmen and take some pictures.  I don't often chew gum,  but I decided to chew gum that day.  A fellow groomsmen may or may not have brought with him a bottle of Crown of which I for one enjoyed. I got to see the bride before the wedding, Jessica had on a very pretty white dress that she looked very nice in.  I can only imagine how hard it is to shop for a wedding dress.  I've been to my fair share weddings recently, but this is the first wedding in a while where I really knew the bride well as opposed to mainly the groom.  Rino's nephew Sebastian was the honorary ringbearer and looked adorable.

It was now time for the wedding, the pews were filled with family and friends and I walked out with my corresponding bridesmaid to find our place.  The actual wedding is kind of a blur, but what I remember was the happy expressions on the bride and groom's faces.  The two moments I most vividly recall were when they exchanged rings and how they almost kissed before it was time.  It was a very nice ceremony and I hope everything that the bride and groom imagined.

Then it was time for the reception.  My housemate Norbert worked the bar.  I thought the DJ played good music and a lot of time was spent visiting with family I had not seen in quite some time.  We don't have family reunions, but family weddings seem to serve this purpose perfectly.  But what I will say, was that the comment, "so when are you getting married?" seemed to come a lot more often on this occasion.  It normally doesn't bother me, and I know this is a common issue for single people my age, but it also seems to come with unsaid assumptions or insinuations that can be awkward.  This was extremely apparent when it came time for the garter toss.  There was only a handful of us standing up there, and when you take away the teenagers and the people in unmarried relationships, there was 2 or 3 of us.  As the garter flew towards me, in what felt like slow-motion, I figured I wouldn't be a jerk and move and instead I would just catch it and accept my fate.  This thought process was short-lived, as an older gentleman who I didn't see behind me, pushed me out of the way and lurched for the garter.  He seemed so very happy and proud as if somehow this really meant that he would be getting married next.  I was happy for him and still remain garter-less in the weddings I have attended.

The rest the night was spent drinking, dancing and talking with family.  They had a photo booth, which is starting to become a staple at most weddings, that everyone found to be very enjoyable including myself.  I still don't get the stupid mustache thing but hopefully that hipster trend will fade over time.  I enjoyed some debates about the idea of having a "no kids" wedding in a family with as many kids as mine has.  This can stir quite the emotions I must say.  Here are my photos from the event: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157628393337905/

The night ended with sparklers and a send off.  I'm very happy for Rino and Jessica and since they have always been a team for as long as I've known them as adults, I look for to see them embark on this next stage together.

As far as weddings go, 2012 already has 3 more lined up.  My friend Rick's, my friend Oscar's and my brother Abram's.  It is shaping up to be a good year.

books

Splitting Image

"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins." -Josh Billings

I have always found identical twins interesting.  As a kid I always wondered what it would be like if I had a twin sibling, well that and being left handed....and how cool it would be to fly, but I digress.  How crazy would it be for there to be another person who looked just like me, with the same genetic information, but still a completely different person.  The closest I could use to compare was that I was lucky enough to have many siblings including one brother, but the idea of twin I didn't know about crossed my mind.

I haven't personally known too many pairs of identical twins in my life, but I have known some.  In Junior high, there was a girl, who I hate to say I don't remember her name, that was a twin that had a crush on me, or so said her letter.  I remember thinking that I really wished I liked her cause how cool is it that she was a twin.  I never really got to know her though as we went to different schools.  My sophomore year in high school I met a girl who was a few grades older than me and was also a twin. We became good friends and it was the first time I started seeing twins as two separate individuals rather than as one entity.  I grew to know her well in a short time, but I didn't know her sister very much at all. They had different personalities from what I could tell and my childhood preconceptions were being shattered or more appropriately educated the more I got to talk to her.  The cool thing was how rarely it actually came up.  I remember thinking that it was weird that I was just good friends with one of them, but not both.  It didn't take long to realize how much that didn't make sense and in retrospect, I feel silly having thought things like that.

That same year I also became friends with another girl who was a twin and this time she was younger than me.  I got to know both her and her sister, but grew much closer to one.  She was probably the person that taught me the most about how everyone is their own unique individual and the effects of viewing people as a pair.  I also got to observe the bond that some twins have.  It doesn't take long to get past all the childish questions, but they were so much fun to ask.  Can you read each other's minds? do you feel each other's pain? how did they not mix you up as kids? who is older? How do people tell you apart? Have you guys ever pretended to be each other? etc.  This is actually in a small way similar my experience with one of my first openly gay friends where I was able to get out all my silly questions upfront and then just get to know them as a person after.  I always enjoyed trying to tell identical twins apart. There were other twins in my school, but I just didn't know them as well.

I always thought that when I was ready to have kids, how great would it be if I had twins. It is a random comment I have made to family and friends. Yeah, I assume it would make the whole raising a baby thing twice as hard, but in the end you would have two kids in the same time it would take to raise one, though the effort and expense would probably also double.  Maybe I view raising a child as such an enormous undertaking that I'd rather get two out of the way at once rather than have to go through it twice. Considering that I've waited to get married or have kids it would also let me have a bigger family than I might otherwise have had.

The thing is that twins don't run in my family, so the chances are low, unless I married a person who had twins in their family.  I'm not completely knowledgeable about the science, but that is how I generally understand it. I also remember the adage, be careful what you wish for.  I probably haven't thought much about this since I was much younger, but it has recently come to mind and it brought back a lot of memories.  Twins are rare, which is what makes them interesting.

shellfish

Apple II

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs 

I found out last Wednesday that Steve Jobs had passed away.  I wasn't surprised, but I was still sad to hear the news.  I was never a big Apple person, but I do own an iPhone, MacBook and iPad, so I guess I'm more of an Apple person than I thought. Steve Jobs was pretty inspiring and makes me really look at my own life and if I'm really working towards my full potential. I'm impressed with his life story and though I personally have issues with some of Apple's labor practices over seas, it doesn't stop me from buying Apple products, so I don't say much about them.

I don't remember how old I was when we got our first computer, but it was an Apple.  It was an Apple II+ which my dad bought at a garage sale. My research shows that it was introduced in 1979, so we got it many years after in possibly the mid 80s around 2nd grade. It as new to me and awesome.  Plus, going from no computer to your first computer is a huge milestone.

What I remember most was the green screen monitor, the car racing game and the dot matrix printer.  You know, the type with the holes on the sides of the paper that fed through the printer.  There was a program called "The Print Shop" and you could print banners.  I LOVED printing banners and thought the idea was so awesome.  It is funny that since technology advanced making that long paper unnecessary, we lost the ability to print out long banners.  That is a setback in my opinion still today. You could even make your own greeting cards, which I thought was cool, but never used the function, except maybe once for invitations.  I remember getting invitations that were printed from the Print Shop and how cheap they seemed.  But back to the printer, man, I would just love watching it print, each line and how memorized I was.

Later on, we moved on to getting a PC and my love for computers grew.  I spent a lot of time on it and wanted to learn everything about.  I started in the AOL days and quickly learned how to get free services.  I'll never forget my 14.4k modem and that momentous day when I got to upgrade to a 52k modem.   I spent a lot of times in chat rooms and enjoyed editing my AOL profile, which was kind of like the first Facebook since you could search other people's profiles and add them to your buddy list.  Do chat rooms even still exist?  I haven't used one since high school.

I never learned to program, something I regret to this day, but I spent enough time playing with computers that in college I was able to get a job as a computer helpdesk technition, helping people solve their computer programs over the phone and in person.  Even today, I can help most friends with their computing problems, but I'm still a bit behind the times. I have seen technology pass me by and I just focus on the things that interest me.

I never went back to Apple until the iPhone came out.  Then about 2 years ago, I got my first MacBook and really like it.  I still use my PC as my main desktop computer, but really like my MacBook for everything else.  I even got an iPad for my father who seems to enjoy it.

So those are my computer nerd stories. Yeah, I don't know Steve Jobs, but from what I know of him, his work, I'm sorry that he had to pass away so young.  But man, it also makes you feel like no matter how crazy rich you are, you might be able to delay death, but once you die, you take nothing with you.  That in part does inspire me to just follow my heart.

peace of mind

Looking for my whole life

"Fortune and love favor the brave." -Ovid 

I know this has been a trending topic in my entries recently, but love is definitely in the air.  I got some pretty exciting news this month, twice.  First, one of my closest friends since elementary school just got engaged to a wonderful woman.  Then, not too long after, a good friend of mine who I met in college also got engaged to a great woman.  How cool is that?  I am very happy for both of them and, of course, for their fiances as well.

There is something about knowing a person as an individual and then watching them meet a person they fall in love with and watching as they grow as a person.  You can see the happiness in their eyes and in their demeanor.  This is going to be one of my shorter entries as I just wanted to memorialize my excited feelings in my blog, but I look forward to watching everything develop leading up to their big days.

joy

Songs and Smells

“Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory.” - Oscar Wilde

There is nothing like songs and/or smells to bring a memory rushing back.  Certain songs remind you of good times and others of bad times.  Sometimes you listen to a song and don't even know that you are relating it to the time you are currently having.  I'm like a lot of people in that I really profess to enjoy music, but I'm not very knowledgeable about how to make music.  I really wish I knew how to play an instrument and am sometimes bummed out that I don't have music as an avenue to express myself.  I should really pick up those guitar lessons again. This is why music seems like magic to me and is, therefore, that much more enjoyable.

This past weekend was Austin City Limits.  It is a three day live music festival in Austin, Texas.  This is the 4th year I have gone and I seem to enjoy it more each time.  I was lucky enough for my friend Efrain to fly in from LA to attend with me.  He really knows his music and bands.  In college I went to a lot of concerts with Efrain and that was probably the most concerts I had ever gone to in one year. Those were some great memories. A lot of friends I have gone with in the past either did not come this year or I did not run into at the festival.  I think the most fun part of ACL is spending it with your friends and it never hurts to be in the company of a pretty girl, which is always nice as well.  I had a great time this year and discovered a lot of new bands I had never heard before. Three days outdoors for a music festival is quite the test of endurance I will say.  Add to that the almost 1.7 mile hikes to and from the car to start and end each day and you can only imagine the workout I got.  I won't get into a run down of all the bands I heard since there were so many, but it was pretty great. We were even able to take in an after show downtown on Friday night which was a lot of fun.  I'm looking forward to going again next year even though the prices went up.

As far as an update goes, life has been relatively busy, but nothing notable has really happened.  Work has also been really busy, which is something I always welcome.  I have been a bit isolationist these past few months and I have also been a bit of scattered mess, but I'm sure I'll get things in order soon.  Friendships are important and I have a lot of catching up to do with a lot of friends who I have not spent a lot of time with.   The good news is that football season is upon us and that makes me very happy.  This week the Fall TV shows will get started and that is always a great time for me.  I don't even know if I can take on new favorite shows, but I'm sure I'll find some.

I'm very good about wanting to do things, especially things to better myself.  As is my cycle, I take on new hobbies and after a while start to neglect them.  It has been a while since I picked up a new project and tried to learn something new. I need to get on that.  For example, I feel like I would really like to learn to cook.  Not super well, just like enough to make a few dishes I could enjoy and live on.  I wish I had good friends that knew how to cook that could help me learn.  I not very much of a foodie, so taking a class isn't even a consideration.  I just need to buy some food and read the directions on the box. I'm not helpless, I mean I can BBQ and make a few things, but I'm sure there are ways to be able to have more cooking options.

isn't she lovely

A Better Friend

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." - George Washington 

Life is full of change and sometimes that change is welcomed and other times it drags you kicking and screaming.  Change isn't always for the better, but if you learn from it, you should always be better for it.  Abrupt change is the easiest to understand, circumstances are now different, but after a period of grieving, you adapt in the best way you can and move forward.  What I am finding I have trouble dealing with is gradual change.  You know, where the changes are so small and insignificant at any one time, but as the months and years pass by, things are dramatically different than they once were.  Sometimes you see this gradual change coming and instead of just watching the slow progression, it feels easier to just skip to the abrupt change so that you can begin to adapt to it now.  It probably isn't the best plan of action.  There are times, for example, in a relationship, where you can see it fading, you know that things might be ok at the moment, but they are slowly getting worse and things are not sustainable the way they are.  My usual reaction is to force the issue instead of just enjoying the time you might have until things fall apart.  What I forget is that sometimes you can instead choose to put your effort to start turning the ship around instead of just jumping to the dreaded outcome you feel is inevitable.  It won't be as fast or easy as ending things, but will take longer and more sustained effort.  I need to stop taking shortcuts, especially when they don't have desired results.

I have many vivid memories from college that I visit from time to time.  A relevant one that has been on my mind has to do with one of my close friends who was also a girl.  When we met, her personality was unlike anyone I had met up until that point in my life.  She was extremely animated, outspoken and socially affectionate.  We quickly became good friends and spent a lot of time together. Being away from home can be lonely and having someone there with you makes it much easier to adapt. Her sincere kindness was something I really appreciated.  For example, I was once in my dorm bed sick as a dog and she came across campus in what was probably terrible weather to bring me orange juice.  No one had ever done for this me and I really appreciated it.  As time passed we grew closer and I was really fond her, but only as a friend.  It was weird, I also found her very much attractive, but I didn't have apparent romantic feelings toward her.  It was something I couldn't explain to myself, I wanted to like her that way, but at that point I knew what it felt like to be smitten and this was just different.  It might have had to do with becoming friends with her while I was in the tail end of a relationship, maybe I just saw her different from the start.  The subsequent ill advised night where we kissed didn't change my feelings and I don't presume to know what hers were.

What I remember was one time we were both having an argument about our complicated friendship and what it meant.  She was the closest and most important person to me at the time and I made a crass comment pointing out that we were not in an relationship.  In her blunt and honest manner, she told me assertively that it didn't matter what I wanted to call it or what I told myself, it was most definitely a relationship. It didn't sink in at the time, but years later I finally understood what she might have been trying to say. Things are not black and white and relationships are broader than just romantic relationships.

The friendship went the way situations like that go, any crush she may have had passed and after a seemingly meaningless blow up, which was mostly my fault, it pretty much led to the end of our close friendship.  I'll never forget how much I was missing her that night and when she finally came to my room, I asked her to leave.  Much later we became acquaintances in the guise of friends, but it was always like there was a wall between us when it came to true communication.  I always held her in high esteem after that, but things would never be the same.  It is weird for someone to go from being in your day to day life to just being someone you know.   The kicker is, when I look back on my past romantic relationships, for some reason I consider her as one of them.  What I had with her, despite us never dating, was deeper and more meaningful than many actual relationships I cycled through during college and years after. I learned a lot about myself, what I was looking for and that things are not always what they seem.

I think everything played out for the best, since all's well that ends well, but it wasn't easy for me. Interestingly, it wasn't the last time I ran into this type of situation, but at least I had a roadmap on how it would most likely play out.  I keep learning a lot of little lessons, but probably not the big lesson I should have learned by now.  The problem is that I probably still have a lot to learn.

not the answer

Someone Like You

"Her best days will be some of my worst,

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,

While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,

'Cos when a heart breaks 

no it don't breakeven, even no."

- The Script, Breakeven

It is the cool of night, our clothes are lost on the floor as I lay on my back in bed and slowly brush her silky hair off her soft face as she lays sliently on my chest.  I can still taste the whiskey on my breath and her chapstick on my lips as I have little concern that I don't really know this girl all that well.  I'm still basking in the after glow of utter contentment as this was all I could think about from the moment I set eyes on her.  I take a deep breath through my nose, she smells good, but she doesn't smell like her. When she turns to roll over, I reflexively follow with my free arm and wrap her in my embrace.  Her eyes are closed and so are mine and I don't really care if she knows that the love emanating from my skin isn't for her or even about her. I'm genuinely happy in the moment, but since I don't live a lifestyle where I can keep this high going, it makes me long for the memories of holding her next to me.  It is a good way to make do in the mean time even though I'm well aware that the passion will soon burn out as it is just a match.  Those are issues for the morning, not at the present moment where I try not to fall asleep when this will just become a memory. 

It has become more apparent to me that I have hit the age where the majority of my former girlfriends are now either married or engaged.  Clearly, people are in your past and not your present for a reason, but the continual body blows of such joyous news really makes you start to take stock of your own personal choices.  No matter how heart breaking or indifferent any particular situation has been over the years, I keep coming the sobering truth that if given the option to switch shoes with any of those incredibly lucky men, I would not.  Of course, retrospect colors your initial emotional reaction which can be fueled by jealousy and selfishness.  After taking the usual path of reflecting on where I have been and where I thought I wanted to go, I really start to think where I am at and if I actually know where it is I'm going.

I have all the same preconceived notions as most people do.  One day I'm going to meet a lovely lady who I will become smitten with in a way that is different than the women that preceded her.  Something about her will be special to me, she will have apparent flaws and well hidden flaws, but they won't be that kind that magnify mine, nor will they be visible when she smiles.  I won't have to make her happy because she is already happy, but I'll try to do it anyway. After a passion filled whirlwind romance and the building of a friendship, we get married, have kids.  Then after a lifetime of adventure she will be the last thing I see as she holds my 95 year old hand before I pass in a room filled with grand kids.  It is like this narcissistic entitlement that is built into my subconscious either evolutionary or thanks to the movies of Disney or the likes of Nicolas Sparks books. It is what I have come to believe is just the nature of things, the path the story takes. This is reinforced by the fact that despite life's ups and downs, it continues to get better and more fulfilling, so that makes for a logical conclusion. Relationships become better as you are more careful on who you let in, but so do your expectations rise. I envision my life as a story, one of love, hope, and redemption that finishes with the quintessential happy ending.  It is both romantic and bland at the very same time.

What this story does is lessen my urgency to get started along that path.  I mean, with the absolute certainty that our paths will meet, and considering being a man I have nothing but time, you feel like it is an inevitability that will be here in due course.  I'm not adverse to being on that path, nor do I consciously avoid it,  but I worry that the alternative of impatience makes people settle for less than optima outcomes, whereas I also understand that having a grass is greener mentality might also partly explain a lot of things too. If I have learned anything in life, those things you work for mean more to you than those that you get for nothing, yet somehow I expect to get this for nothing.  Normally, I try not to be a person who waits for life to happen to him, but rather work to make my goals and dreams happen.  Why should my approach to relationships be any different?

I'm sure this is where certain friends and family members would interject with their well intentioned commentary about how God has a plan for everyone and he will introduce me to the perfect person, just be patient and have faith.  Despite my annoyance from such kind comments, I'm actually sadly convinced of that very fact, which is probably why it bothers me more than it should. Of course not everyone finds a perfect person, nor is anyone actually perfect, which is objectively apparent.  People have false starts, make bad decisions and accept less than what they dreamed of.  Even knowing that, you still feel that you are different, special.

You are always dealing with another fear, finding the right person, but in that very moment you find them, having the to accept the reality that  now you have something to lose and you are going to lose them.  Just fathoming the emotional investment of getting to know everything about each other, raising a family and then losing them, either to the fading of passion, end of a marriage, the arms of another or the eventuality of death, just seems like a soul crushing experience which makes me understand why old couples tend to die soon after losing a partner.

Maybe there is a different story for me, a better story that suits me, one that might not fit the norm, but is equally or more satisfying.   We all know what the answer should be, to work to find the person that will be your one, your good news.  But, I find I'm a lot happier working on being the one, a person that someone has been looking for all this time.  I mean if you want to continue to raise your standards, you have to play on that level too.  By my nature I understand my polyamorous impulses, but I accept that she will be worth the trade off.  I am just happy to have many important relationships in my life, their labels can be whatever their labels are, but what I care about most is the meaningfulness of the relationship.  I am ok with entering people's lives, enjoying our connection, learning and growing then moving on when the time is right.  I'm sure if there is no reason to move on, well than that might be the right place to stay.

So I guess I don't expect my happy ending for nothing, I expect it because I know who I am, I know the people who I have shared paths with and know that I really don't need the illusionary security of forever, just the meaningful experiences of the moment.  Everything else will just fall into place.

never quite free

Dr. & Dr. Cook

"Never marry but for love; but see that thou lov'st what is lovely." - William Penn

I spent the weekend in San Diego attending the wedding of my friend Sam and his fiance Lauren. The celebration was spectacular and like my high expectations for San Diego, it did not disappoint.  I was honored to have been invited and had a pretty memorable time.

I first met Sam in elementary school on the bus. Sam loved the Houston Oilers and it was clear then that he would grow up to be quite the sports fan. Sam was a year younger than me so we didn't interact too much until high school. From drama trips to chess matches, we hung out, but were not especially close, though we got closer over the years.  Sam also became really good friends with my friend Rick during and after college, so on visits home we got to hang out a lot more. Being on the East coast, Sam was great about coming to town to visit and his personable nature helps him make friends anywhere.  Before I knew it, Sam was one of the handful of people I kept in contact with after high school, back when you didn't have Facebook to make it so easy.

I was excited for Sam when I heard the news that he was getting married.  After meeting Lauren for the first time on this trip, I must say, he did very well for himself.  They are both reflexively kind and it is evident on their faces how much they adore each other.  They are both crazy smart which is something I always admire.  Talk about doing it the right way.  Both of them going to school and getting their Phds and then getting married...if I were their parents I'd be very proud, which you can tell, they were.

I flew into San Diego on Thursday night after work.  I checked into the hotel, met a new friend at the front desk, and then headed downtown.  I went to meet up with the guys at a bar where they were having a bachelor party which was just meeting up with the bachelorette party.  When I arrived, I met Lauren after only knowing her through stories and facebook postings.  I was instantly impressed with how genuine she was.  Since I got there before the guys, I got to meet her friends too and I was happy to see how nice and personable everyone was.  I got to meet Lauren's friends, Sam's friends and cousins.   The night was fun, we ended up at a karaoke bar and I had a fun debate about how awesome Uncle Jesse was, which I hope she took in jest.  I had a fun chat with one of Sam's cousins, who once you got past the exterior cuteness, was pretty down to earth with an interesting take on mixing drinks.  Sam and Omar did a rendition of Garth Brooks' Friends in Low Places that was the highlight of the night for me.

Rick was kind enough to let me stay at the hotel with him and Friday we got up and did some sightseeing. We visited Little Italy, had some pizza at a recommended joint and later walked around Old Town.  What really blew me away was the weather.  About 75 degrees, sunny with a cool breeze that made you feel like if you lived there, you would be the most outdoorsy active person alive. We then headed to the nice hotel where the wedding was going to be held for the rehearsal.  I finally got the meet the rest of the wedding party and everyone was so friendly.  I also ran into Omar and Krissy who I knew from high school and it was nice to catch up.  I was lucky enough to join in on the rehearsal dinner and it was great to hear the bride and groom talk about how much their friends meant to them.  This is where I got to know Max and Leah better and my suspicions that they were cool people were confirmed.  The story about how Max and Sam met and became friends was pretty epic.

Saturday, I took my rental car out and tried to take in more of the town before the wedding began.  I spent the morning at the San Diego zoo, which was a blast.  I have never seen a zoo that was so big.  I will have to return one day to fully take it in.  I then went down to the beach and had a late lunch on the boardwalk after I did some sightseeing.  By the time I got back to the hotel, I had just enough time to get my suit on and load the bus to the wedding.

The wedding was superb.  There is just something about being out on the beach with a cool breeze while the sun is shining.  You can tell they were very particular about every detail. The bride looked outstanding and Sam looked very sharp. Sam and Lauren prepared thoughtful vows for each other that they read.  They were very moving and it said a lot that they both used the term "teamwork" when talking about their union.  Rick did a good job as a groomsman, actually all the groomsmen did.  This was probably the first wedding where I sat in the audience with a drink in hand.  It was a nice touch.

The wedding was followed by a cocktail hour, which is a great idea by the way.  They were now a married couple and it was time to celebrate.  The couple looked very happy and I must say again, the ambiance on the beach cast a perfect background. Then was the reception.  The tables were numbered with math problems which I thought was clever. I met some new friends at the table. Dinner was filling and the constant stream of Maker's from the open bar kept me in great spirits.  The speeches were touching and then people danced, or in my case tried to dance, but there were smiles all around.  I had my dollar dance with the bride, which I think is the first dollar dance I have ever had.  I figured I'd follow up with my second with a dollar dance with the groom.  It seemed like a fun idea at first, but I wasn't prepared for the fact that I couldn't lead, which was fair since he was the groom, but felt different.  I don't know how you ladies do it.  The cake was great tasting and looked cool, but I have never been a cake person.

At one point we all went out on the balcony and saw the fireworks over the water, which I believed were for the wedding, but were actually from Sea World, but you know, for the wedding too, why not.  I want fireworks at my wedding.

When the reception ended, I decided to keep drinking, I mean celebrating. Krissy and I headed over to the Class of 1971 Class Reunion and hung out with the classmates, took pictures with the letterman jacket and cheerleading outfit.  We even got a memento of the 1971 class picture to take home.  Then, next door to that was another wedding reception.  Dares ensued and some how I end up on the dance floor with the mother of the bride as I tell her I'm one of the groom's cousins before I take my free drink and move on to the hotel bar to join everyone who was still out.  We hung out at the beach for a while and then called it a night.

I put some of my photos on Facebook, but here are more of my photos of the weekend: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157627277210701/

It was a classic wedding experience and I had a really great time.  I'm very happy for the bride and groom and I think I might enjoy weddings more than I thought I did.  There is just something about seeing two people crazy in love with each other.  Next wedding is up in November with another in October 2012.

Bliss

Engaging Times

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  -Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

Recently, my brother Abram got engaged to his girlfriend Ashley.  This was exciting news for the entire family. That is a pivotal step in life which I think would scary and exciting at the same time.   It has been great getting to know Ashley and it is wonderful seeing how happy they make each other.  I look forward to having her in the family.  I'm sure they have quite the year ahead of them planning for such a big event.  Life is always changing and it is great when those changes make life even better.

A lot of love stories seem to be hitting their zenith as of late.  In early August, I'll be attending my friend Sam's wedding in San Diego, CA.  You will probably be getting a full account of my trip to what I imagine to be the perfect city to live in.  I've known Sam since we were young kids on Bus 4 and to watch him getting married shows how far we have all come.  I have yet to meet his fiance which makes sense since I usually hang out with Sam about once every year or two. This I am looking forward to as well as she seems like such a cool person from what I have heard.  Then approaching in November, my cousin Rino and Jess are going to be getting married here in Austin.  I tell you, I'm starting to get really good at weddings, bridesmaids beware.  Since the entire family will be there, it also doubles as a family reunion of sorts which is nice and adds that level of excitement.  I might even have to take a day off of work to recover from that one.

The summer has been a somewhat quiet one for me.  My parents came to visit and my father built/extended my fence to include a dog run and give my backyard more space.  I was very impressed with how it turned out and did not prove to be much help.  It makes me happy that my family feels at home at my place and my mom really helped me decorate a bit and added a few plants which probably need watering now that she is gone.  My dad also brought back my dog Max who he had been taking care of for a while.  Max is a great dog, but man he is a digger.  We had to put up an electric fence to deter him at our old place.  Now him and Chloe are a digging father-daughter team, but have only engineered a few break outs thus far.  They get out, roam a bit and then come back home.  I do understand that digging is a reflection on my ownership, so I'm trying to spend more time with him so that he can burn off some of that energy.  There has not been any more sailing this summer like I imagined and I probably need to finish setting up my office and mounting my TVs around the house.  My garage is still a mess, but for now I'm just enjoying being in my home.

My younger sister Eliza, her husband Gil and their kids Tori and Celeste came to visit Austin this summer as well. Celeste seems to grow by leaps and bounds each time I see her and now that she is 3, she is a little person, which makes her more fun to interact with.  She is adorable and I don't throw out that praise generously.  Eliza got to finally meet Ashley after the great news.  It was very hot that weekend, so we didn't do the usual Austin things I like to do for guests, but next time they come, I'll be sure to make it up to them.  I also need to work on having things to do other than those that involve drinking.  I am reminded that bars are not a good place for kids.

I got to see Harry Potter 7.2 this past weekend.  That was a lot of movies and a lot of books in coming, yet all totally worth it. Emma Watson was spectacular, but my opinion on that is probably a bit biased.  I went with my friend Rebecca to a really nice theater that had couches and waiters.  It was the right way to do such an event.  Rebecca had never seen Harry Potter before, so why not just save the best for last.  I made a mistake on watching it in 3D, I'm starting to think that I don't really care for 3D much anymore, but that is another topic.

I want to start running again like I was in the spring, but I know that the day I go outside for a quick jog, all my progress on distance and stamina will be gone and I'll be starting all over.  I also know that this means a lifetime of running ahead, which makes a simple jog seem that much more daunting of a task.  Makes it easy to put off for just one more day.  Funny how your mind is great at playing tricks on you, I mean I have completely given up fighting it in the morning when it is time to get up.  I utilize a crazy chain of alarms that increase in urgency and yet my mind still wants to go back to bed, even if I've had a good nights sleep.  I wonder how much time I spend on battles with myself.  I'm slowly pulling ahead, but the clock is always ticking.

how do you know?

No Where But Up

"There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny" - Han Solo

My entire life I have heard people say, "Everything happens for a reason," despite how demonstrably untrue that statement proves to be.  It feels great to think that and I'd love to believe it, but it doesn't take long to think about all the flaws in that belief.  The key really comes down to the meaning of the word "reason."  If you give it a metaphysical meaning, something only a god can understand, well why are we even having this discussion then? But if you give it meaning of "greater good," it ceases to make sense. The cliche seems to assume that everyone gets a happy ending and everything that happens to us along the way are just lessons or twists of fate to get us to some final positive destination.  But how many people really end up at that final positive destination?

I'm genuinely a positive person and I'm not out for killing Santa Claus, and this is such a positive saying, but platitudes like, "it is all going to be ok," may make one feel better, but objectively have no basis in truth.  That would have been a better saying to take on.

It depends on the perspective you are looking at it from.  So an infant dies, well [insert grand reason here], but it ignores the fact that--to that infant--no reason is going to be good enough to justify being dead.  I guess you could factor in some reward in heaven or something for dying to teach your parents to appreciate each moment with loved ones or something like that, but you get what I'm saying.

Once again, this doesn't discount that it is still a nice phrase we use to make ourselves feel better when things go wrong.  I mean, either it can suck or it's just God's way of teaching us a lesson or helping us achieve our fate.  The latter sounds a lot better.  But then I think, oh like the lesson, "don't drive drunk", which you learned because you crashed and died after drinking. Not much use you can make of that lesson now.  Oh..... it was the lesson to your alcoholic uncle.  I get it now.  That is an unfair Ponzi scheme.

I think the more apt motivation behind the phrase is that, you should be ever positive and look for the positive possibilities and opportunities in your negative experiences.   That life is a journey and everything that happens to you is part of what got you to where you are at (for the better or worse.)  That is a lesson that everyone should follow, I genuinely mean that, but not for the reason that you believe God let something bad happen to you so that he could later he could do something really good for you.  Really, a bit selfish and narcissistic, no?

What a wet blanket I feel like I'm being, but I'm not advocating taking away the comfort a person has when they believe this, but I'm just saying that there are other ways to deal with the fact that you don't always have control of what happens to you or your loved ones.  Bad things happens to good people and sometimes good things happens to bad people.  Life isn't always fair and our outcomes are not all equal.  I think when you accept that, you tend to appreciate good things even more.  There are many things you can do to improve your outcomes, but you should always be doing that.

Now of course, there is also the understanding that universe follows the rules of physics and you have the action reaction thing, so yes, there was an "actual reason" behind what happened, but it is not the profound future looking reason people impute into that statement.  Nor does it necessarily mean something better will come from it in the future.  Though I will say, when bad things happen, usually there is nowhere to go but up, so there is that is another good way of looking at it.

I heard this phrase the other day and it made remember that you can't always control life, a lot of things you can control to an extent, but life is really just what make of it.  So why not just work to make the best of it, no matter what your circumstances?  Some people have their faith which lets you have peace that god is in control, which works great for some people.

Having over thought this for longer than I had planned, for me it comes down to looking at "reason" in "future" or "past" tense.  Anything that happens in your "past" you can attribute to something positive that has happened to you since then.  It was the "reason" you were in the right place at the right time.  But it doesn't logically work like that going forward into the "future." You can't say, X bad thing happened to me today, but for the purpose of the unknown Y good thing happening in the future.

You know, maybe I'm just completely wrong, maybe I'll never understand "the reason", but you know what, if it really is a heavenly conspiracy outside of human understanding, then you don't know either, which doesn't make that statement true.  I don't really know why I went through this brain exercise, maybe because I felt like getting some much needed writing in, plus, it made me feel better.  Maybe hearing someone throw around the cliche happened for that reason.

what I should believe and what I do believe don't always match up

On the Horizon

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."  -Bill Maher

Almost a month now it has been, it feels similar to when you haven't talked to a friend in a long time.  It is like this inverse effect where the longer it has been, the less you seem to have to talk about.  Yet, your friends you talk to almost daily, you can go on for hours with about nothing.  Sometimes though, with a really good friend, if you break the nothing-to-talk-about barrier with a good topic, you can slip right back into old times.  This is also how I feel about writing at the moment.

The new house saga is starting to fade into the past, but it will be some time before the new starts to wear off since I haven't even made my first mortgage payment yet.  I like my new place and I'm starting to feel more at home each day.  I keep myself busy with household projects I create and there seems to be a lot of them.  I installed shelves for my walls/cats, a bathroom cabinet, I am starting on adding on to my fence and do things like water my grass and plants.  It is all stuff I previously thought was mundane and which I admit for the most part probably is.  I get the last of my furniture this weekend and hopefully it will spur me to get motivated to get the rest of my garage unpacked so I can feel fully moved in.  They are still building the houses next door to me, so I don't know my next-door neighbors yet.

I've been lucky enough to catch up with some good friends recently.  I had dinner and drinks with my friends Oscar and Clarita the other night.  I always enjoy taking to them and they always have such great advice.  Later, I hung out with Rick and Rebecca.  Rick got to see my house and it is always a lively conversation when you have three former debaters at the table.  I try to keep in mind that I need to be more proactive about making an effort to spend time with friends because it isn't that hard to get busy and grow apart.  I always took for granted that just because a friendship has strong roots, that you don't have to put in as much effort.  There is always a point where you don't talk to someone for so long that it feels weird to contact them now, like some expiration date has passed and to contact them now would just highlight the amount of time that you let pass.

The older I get, the faster time seems to fly.  I know that is cliche, but I can't believe that it is almost July already.  For example, I stopped reading this online comic I used to love in June 2010.  I always thought, one day I'll just go back to June and catch up on the few months that I've let lapse.  Well now it has been a year and reading a year's worth of Pooch Cafe seems like a daunting task.  Hopefully I'll be able to get the book that covers that period of time.

I need to plan a long vacation since I haven't really traveled for leisure in some time.  The good news is that I have booked my flight to San Diego in early August for my friend Sam's wedding.  I have never been to San Diego and have been wanting to go for years.  It is on my list of "must visit" places and I considered moving there sight unseen after law school, but ended up moving back to Texas instead.  In the same vein, I have an open invitation to all my out-of-state friends that want to visit, since I haven't been too great about getting out to visit them these past few years. My friend Efrain from California is coming to Austin in September for ACL and I'm really looking forward to that.  Maybe a few other friends will come as well.  My friend Juan Carlos just graduated from medical school in NY and Jorge and Michelle have a baby girl that I can't wait to meet on the East coast.  I don't know why I feel so bad taking time off of work, but I'm going to work on this.  That and most of my savings has gone towards this getting a house thing.

I guess I have been thinking of travel more because my friend Christina seems to travel constantly, both for work and for pleasure.  She is probably out of state every other weekend on some trip, usually to NY, but most recently in Vegas.  I miss Vegas.  I wouldn't want to travel as much as her, but more than I have the past few years. I used to travel so much and for any reason.  I still have left on my "must visit," Chicago, New Orleans and Seattle.  Though I wouldn't mind a few repeats, like LA, Boston and Miami.

Wednesday, Christina was kind enough to invite me to attend the USA v. Panama and Mexico v. Honduras Gold Cup soccer games in Houston, TX.  This is something I wanted to jump on, but the notice was too short to get time off of work and I couldn't pull off a drive after work to Houston and then leave at 5am in the morning to make it back to work the next morning turnaround, so I had to pass on it.  I did watch the games on TV, in Spanish, and they were both great.  She had a great time.   I'm looking forward to the final.

I belatedly caught on to the HBO series, Game of Thrones.  I kept hearing about it online, but for some reason thought it was some video game people liked.  I saw the entire first season (10 eps)  in 2 days and have become quite the fan.  I think I enjoy watching series in a row rather than waiting week to week.  Now I can't wait until the Spring 2012 for season 2.  I may even check out the books, and by books I mean audiobooks.   Though I just got a kindle, so maybe I'll do it the old fashioned reading way. Next, I want to check out The Killing on AMC, but haven't had a chance yet.   TrueBlood starts again on Sunday, so I'll be following that, but even though I enjoyed the last season, the show isn't as interesting to me as it initially was. I'm invested though.  As a side note, you know, women really love vampires, but that is a topic for another day.

So babies are being born everywhere it seems.  Among the many FB babies I've seen as of late, my friend Jon and his wife Stacey recently had a baby, my cousin Adam and his wife Kirby had their first child, my cousin Vanessa had a baby girl, my cousin Mario has one on the way really really soon and my good college friend Iris just had her first baby.  I'm so very happy for all them. I guess that is what people do, make other people.  I guess they all get to experience that, "you'll only understand if you are parent," feeling I'm often told about.  These are the people I'll be trying to get my knowledge from when it is time for me to father twins.  (If I'm going to be busy being a parent, might as well double up.)

I had a insightful conversation the other day with a friend about relationships that started when she told me something I could really relate to.  She had seen a picture of someone she had dated with his new fiance looking genuinely happy and for some reason it triggered an uncomfortable emotional reaction.  You would think that it would be from the feeling of missing out, wishing that could be you or even jealousy, but it was, for the most part, none of those things.  It had more to do with not seeing that on the horizon for yourself.  I can admit that I have felt that way before. I feel like I know a lot of great friends that feel like they perpetually single despite any lacking of options.  I think the problem, I can say for myself, is that it is easy to be ok with being independent most of the time, but there are fleeting moments when it is much harder.  You get all the benefits of the single life, dating who you want, doing what you want, no expectations, the freedom to make choices without having to get someone's input, but then there are moments when it would be nice to have found a person that you share a true connection with.  That is probably why it seems like they are not doing anything to change their situation.  The older you get, the most likely it is that your exes are now married and starting families which makes you start to take stock.  You throw in the happy-for-them, check, would I rather it be me, probably not check, but yet there is still regret or longing sometimes.  For me it was weird going from in college where I was known as the "relationship guy," to my late 20s/early 30s where I've been for the most part the "single guy."  People say you will change your mind when you "meet the right person," but although I don't doubt this, I've noticed that I have been more consistently happy while single, vs. the roller-coaster of much happier and must more stressful moments while in relationships. The highs are much higher, but the lows and stress that comes with it act as a counter-weight. Some people like to say that they are just too busy to meet someone, or are too committed to work, but I think those are justifications people use.  The truth is that you are either not putting in a lot of effort or putting in a lot of effort and its just not working out for you.  There are individual reasons for both of those.  Also, past performance doesn't always guarantee future results, so I can't just take for granted that things always seem to work themselves out.  I'm rambling and have lost my point, if I ever had one, but it is comforting to know that a lot of people are in or have been in the same boat, going through the same process.  

I'll always want more

Where the Heart Is

“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home.” - Thorton Wilder

I have closed and am all moved into my new house in south Austin. This has been a great experience.  I closed on Friday, May 27th and started moving that very night.  The move was an ordeal and was more involved than I expected and spanned almost 3 full days.  I find it funny that it was easier to move from DC to Texas pulling a uhaul than it was to move down the street into my new house.  I am grateful to my friends and family who helped because without them I couldn't have done it.

So I wasn't sure I was going to be able to close early, but when I got the word last Friday, I was excited.  The closing wasn't anything special and didn't feel like I was taking on the second biggest debt/investment of my life. (First being college/law school student loans whose balance is higher than my house.)  There was a lot of signing.  My realtor was there with me and was very helpful as well.  She is such a doll and helped me every step along the way assisting me with every single detail.  It didn't hurt that she was how you would imagine an attractive real estate person to be. I was probably very high maintenance, but she was kind, patient and most important, informative.  I learned so much during process.  When I signed the last document, I shook out my hand, and quickly got on the road to pick up my keys.  It was a great feeling, but I'd still rank the feeling of passing the bar as a bit more emotionally fulfilling.

The moment I got my keys, it felt like the house was really mine.  I walked around for a bit to take in the brand new empty house feel and then my feelings went from jubilation to focusing on the logistics of the move.  I had a personal shot of Maker's Mark to celebrate.  Christina dropped by to check out my place before I started moving.  First stop, Uhaul.  Christina was kind enough to give me a ride to Uhaul, since I would be driving back in one of those trucks I imagined.  When I get there, the guy laughs at me as I ask for their biggest truck and tells me that everything is booked because of Memorial Day weekend and all the college kids graduating and heading back home. (I assume parent's home considering the state of the economy.) He had one open trailer he could rent me the next day so I took it.  I returned to the house to hatch a new moving plan.  I would be moving with just pick-up trucks. Abram brought over his Tacoma, and Norbert had his parent's Tundra.  And the trips started, and we went back and forth and back and forth filling the trucks to the brink.  My Dad soon arrived from the Valley and joined in on the fun. We moved until 1:30am before calling it a night.

There was a moving moment I won't forget.  We got the beds over in a truck packing feat that only Abram could have imagined.  When I thought it was impossible to pack a King size bed and box spring in a single pickup truck, Abram decided that not only could he do it, but that he would throw in a full size bed, box spring and twin size mattress just for good measure.  It is an important lesson that sometimes you have to dream big to complete feats you didn't think you could, even when dealing with daily stuff. Even though it only had to travel 8 miles or so, it was packed so well that it could have gone much longer.  This made it possible for me to sleep at my new home for the first night.  It felt like camping, namely because I didn't have internet at the new place.

The rest of the weekend entailed more moving, and even my cousin Rino came over with his truck and helped out for a long while.  Saturday, my sister Ana and Rick showed up as well.  Ana and I went shopping for living room furniture and a bedroom set.  She helped me pick a leather set I was happy with.  When my fridge arrived I was excited because it felt like the final missing piece.  Rick gave me a cigar to smoke when I paid off my mortgage.  It was a cool gift and I put it away for that next milestone even though I don't smoke, I'll be happy to light it up.  It was nice having family and friends to enjoy this with.

Sunday, Abram had a BBQ at his place for the family and to pre-celebrate his birthday on Monday.  Each time I go visit, their place looks better and better.  Ashley got a new car which looked really sharp, especially the color.  I liked his BBQ pit so much I decided to get one like it myself.  It is my first venture into gas grilling, but I'm liking it.

So here I am now, unpacking and getting situated and it is staring to feel real.  Getting a house was always a big goal for me and I feel like I waited longer than a lot of people I know because I wasn't in the right position yet.  When I was little, I had two goals for my house as an adult.  Goal one was to have an upstairs.  I always thought upstairs were cool and always wanted my Dad to build an upstairs on our one story house.  I thought about this a lot for some reason.  Goal two was to design it myself, I thought I would be an architect, and have secret passages and hidden rooms.  So my first house only hit one of those goals, but my second house, I'll work on the secret passages.  In the mean time, I am planning on a secret safe in some dead space, but I have already said too much.  I wish I had something important to put in it.

What made this even more special was the road it took to get here. After college and again after law school, I ran into some credit problems which made life a lot more difficult.  Good credit is important kids and not having it really limits your options I have learned.  I couldn't get a good interest rate on a car or on a line of credit.  So for about 3 years I worked my hardest to improve and clean up my credit past and it finally got to a decent point this year.  I got my car refinanced and qualified for my home at 4.375%, which is an interest rate I am very happy about.  Hopefully this is the dawn of a new era in my finances where I start to save more and figure out a way to pay down this student loan debt that makes work at time feel like indentured servitude.  But just like diets and working out, later, you know, cause right now I need those new sofas.  It is funny, but sad.

The house is 4 bedrooms, but 2 of the rooms are smaller, meant for a nursery I gather, but I'm using it as an office.  There are two living rooms and I got my granite countertops which was important to me. I hope to take a month to get my place in order and then have a bar stocking party.  My friends can just drop by in the mean time.

They didn't sod the backyard, so I had to order that this week. That was an expense I was not expecting.  I never understood being a lawn guy, but maybe that will be me one day.  I will say, sodding the backyard has been a chore.  I probably should have hired help, but I'm enjoying it.  I have that and many other home projects to look forward to.

The house I was renting in Buda was hard to walk away from.  We moved into it brand new, so the experience was akin to that of buying a home and selling it 3 years later and just breaking even.  We cleaned it up the best we could and left it in great shape.  I'll miss the huge master and balcony, but upgrading to a place that is yours makes all the difference.  It was a good home.

So that is another milestone achieved.  What is funny is that a comment I continue to get from different people is, "Now you just need a wife."  It makes me laugh every time.  I'll keep my witty retorts to myself, but I don't think it works that way.

bistro set

Treasures

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."  - Unknown

This part of the year is always emotionally bittersweet because it is simultaneously filled with moments of joy and sadness.  More so this year because a year ago today, on May 26, my close friend Maria M. passed away from her battle with cancer. I regret not having been able to visit her in the hospital and be with her during her final days.  Maria was more than just a good friend from college who I kept occasional tabs with, she was a close friend of mine who I had real conversations with regularly  I shared a lot with her and we were like phone pen pals who would talk for hours about everything. From her thoughts on life, work, kids, marriage, battling cancer and even the possibility of dying.  The best parts were when we would reminisce about our various adventures during college and laugh.  Maria was a huge part of who I became as a person during those formative years and I feel like you take a bit of personality from all your friends and I'm glad to have her as part of my personality.   Maria is the kind of person that treats everyone with kindness and just knowing her makes you consider her a close friend, because she treats everyone like a friend.  I have never met a more genuinely happy soul.  I would always tell her who much I wish I had her positive and optimistic outlook.

Because she lived in California post-college, I rarely got to see her in person and I think the last time I hung out with her was at my friends' Jorge and Michelle's wedding.  I'm glad we all had that moment.  I miss Maria a lot and there are countless times I grab my phone to call her up and get advice or want to check her blog to see if she has posted any updates.  I miss her comments on my blog, since she was one of my few friends that kept tabs on me and was happy to share when she had thoughts about something I shared.  I think of her a lot and I'll always have her in my heart.  She has so many friends and family that are thinking of her today and my heart goes out to all of them.

Then, this Saturday, May 28, is my older sister Veronica's birthday who passed away in 2003.  I feel like I emotionally focus on the loss, grief and pain of losing my dear sister more so on her death anniversary in February and try to focus more on the joy and happiness that was her life on her birthday in May.  The focus for me is the impact she had on my life as a sister and her two beautiful daughters who carry on her memory and make me a proud uncle.  This is my happy day, but when you let yourself feel and remember the happiness and joy, it is also hard at times to ignore the pain knowing that she is gone.

This emotionally packed weekend gets to turn an even better corner on Sunday, May 30, which is my brother Abram's birthday.  This helps me focus on the present and the celebration which is reminds me that you should always value the friends and family you are blessed enough to have around you.  I need to always remember to make an effort to celebrate the treasures in my in life who I have time with now since in the end all we are left only with are memories.  I hope he has a great birthday this year since it has been an exciting one with a lot of positive changes.

So my advice to my friends and family on this Memorial Day weekend is to spend time with and appreciate your loved ones.  Time flies and you can't control change, but you can enjoy the moment.

always smiling

Closing In

“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.” - Mark Twain

House events are going well and I'm inching closer to finally moving in. Below is what I started writing last week when I "thought" my closing got moved up, but unfortunately, it will not be moved up and I'll instead I'll still close on Tuesday, May 31st.

"I got great news this week, my closing has been moved to Friday, May 27th.  That means that I have the entire Memorial Day weekend to move and unpack.  I'm super happy about this. This also means that my family will be able to come up and help me, while also getting the added benefit of celebrating my brother and sister's birthday while up here. I'm one week away from something I have worked very hard toward for many years."

You could tell I was real happy, but I guess the later closing date does not diminish the the greater news that I'll be closing in about a week.  Sometimes I fixate on the small issues and lose sight of the big picture.  I will say that this entire process consumes me right now and it is all I seem to think about and unfortunately for my friends, talk about. I'll afford myself this momentary luxury though because I'm genuinely excited.  I keep thinking about all the check list items, getting moved out, all my accounts closed and then setting up my new accounts.  The packing and moving preparations, who is going to help me move, what I need to buy, like a refrigerator and living room furniture.  The part that keeps the anxiety going is that the loan still hasn't been officially approved, though I'm hoping that Monday this will be taken care of.  The approval should have happened a month ago, but I ran into unexpected delays. Ok, that enough of that, so I'll talk about other matters.

I have had the worst writer's block as of late.  I guess I have just been distracted.  I usually enjoy musing about random things on my blog (which gets reposted to Facebook), but I guess the cool stuff I find, I instantly share on FB or on my google reader feed. By the time I get to writing about it, it feels a bit outdated and less funny.  I mean, this is where I would probably write about my thoughts on all the rapture fun that was this past weekend.  My favorite part is how funny this past week was to the people "who do believe" in the rapture, but just think it is "crazy" to actually know the date as per Matthew.   I was raised in this rapture stuff, which made it that much more fun.  You know, I'm just going to avoid this thin ice and just move on.

The Austin City Limits lineup came out last week and I'm looking forward to it.  I had purchased 3 three-day tickets last year and sold one to my friend Efrain and the other to my friend Christina. Each year I say I don't have 3 days in me, but I always seem to go at least 2 days, if not all 3.  I figure this year I'll just go all 3 as well.  I'm really looking forward to it.

There is nothing like idle time and a wandering mind.  I'm pretty good about keeping a positive outlook and trying not to get lost in the past for too long.  Lately, that has been a bit harder and I don't know why.  I think it has to do with the fact that I've had the house to myself for quite some time now.  I like being alone, but I have, for the most part, always lived in a house with a housemate.  When you start to reflect on the path that got you to this very moment, you think about all the large decisions and small decisions that could have changed that.  I'm happy where I'm at and what I have accomplished, but I wonder where I would be if I got off path too.  From large things, like where I chose to go to college, the cities I decided to move to, the friends I made, the relationships I entered and ended to the small things, like the night I chose to go out vs. stay in, or just chance occurrences.  I feel like I have been very lucky, yet it does sometimes leave you wondering how others are doing or how things would be like if X happened.

The TV season finales are finishing up and I'm about to free up a bunch of time I was spending catching up on my shows.  You don't always need a cliffhanger, I mean, I'll be back next season anyways.  Plus, by the time it is next season, I will have forgotten what the cliffhanger was.  Who will be the new boss at Dunder-Mifland, was Becket wearing a bullet proof vest, is Red John dead, will Derek come home, who will Ted marry, will Pierce be back in the group, will Ned stay with Edna?  I mean, that is just a few of the many questions I thought I cared about, but not really.

always the lesson

Selling the Clutter

"Every one lives by selling something." -Robert Louis Stevenson

I don't know if this is just me, but I have this habit of buying something, usually online, and then keeping the box after opening it.  I don't know why I do it, but it makes me feel like I have the option to return it later if I change my mind. (Also keep receipts)  What happens is that in my closet I have this stack of shame, boxes of things that I probably shouldn't have purchased.  So now that I'm preparing to move, I'm starting to sell off some of my old things, namely electronics, and incidentally, those original boxes have been a god send for selling my items on ebay.  They make the item look newer when it comes in its original packaging.  Extra cash for things I'm not using often is worth the effort. 

It is not easy to decide what to sell. I have this idea that there will be a point when I "might" need that item, even though I haven't used it in over a year. This is probably the type of thinking that creates hoarding.  For example, my TI-85 calculator.  I haven't touched it since high school calculus and yet, I've held on to it for all these years. (Update: ended up selling to my cousin.)  Another item I had trouble considering to sell was this super remote I got as a Christmas gift from a former girlfriend a few years ago.  I really wanted it at the time and thought it would change my life.  I quickly found out that I hardly used it since my TiVo remote was enough.  So I decided to post the remote on eBay and it sold for a great price. Selling on Ebay is fun, despite the cut you have to pay them, and I keep going through all my things trying to find what else I can sell.  Things are not going as fast on craigslist as I thought they would.  So look at me, I'm having a garage sale of sorts.

I love buying stuff on craigslist too, but I'm trying to hold off until I move into my new place.  What I will say is that not having a truck anymore making craigslist shopping harder.  I can't buy desks or tables, or anything where I need larger transportation.  Maybe this is a good thing.

Let me do some catching up.  Easter weekend I stayed in town and mainly relaxed.  I also helped my brother Abram move into his new place in North Austin.  He and Ashley really found a nice place to rent that is near his new job.  Ashley is really great at decorating I will say.  It is going to take some time to get used to him being gone.  I feel like I went through the same thing when my cousin Rino moved out.  I'm sure the move into my new house next month will be a big change that will take more getting used to.

This past weekend my father came into town from the Valley to visit.  I took him by my new house which was under construction, to give him a tour.  He liked the house and was able to give me some ideas about what work I can do on it, especially with the fence.  I always think of crazy project ideas that I enlist my father to help me with.  Last time it was shaving the heels off the soles of my running shoes and this time it was stripping and staining my dining table. I have this light maple colored table and I wanted to make it a dark color for my new house.  So I picked up 4 leather chairs on craigslist, a truck would have made it easier, and then we started on the project.  I had never stripped paint before and it was pretty cool, but labor intensive. I used another table I had as a practice test and it turned out pretty good.  Now my dining table did not turn out like I hoped.  The dark color was just not even and you could see the brush strokes, so I put more and more on it and now it just looks painted and not really smooth. I probably shouldn't have messed with it after my father left.

I took my father to have dinner and kept trying to convince him to attend the wiener dog races in Buda, but he wanted none of that.  It is more fun than it sounds.  We had a BBQ at Abram and Ashley's place on Sunday.  It was fun and their place is really coming together.  Abram built a cool dog kennel in his back yard. Another big part of the trip was that I got my father an iPad 3G, which I tried to teach him to use.  I hope he ends up figuring it out and getting a lot of use out of it.  He has no computer experience, but Apple is very simple to pick up.  He likes the news apps, which I hope become gateway apps.

Finally, I sent my cat Maddie home with my father to my sister Ana.  She is a great cat and will be missed, but  three cats is two too many and with a dog, it is just too much to keep up with. I think she has found a good home.  She is still adjusting, but here is a picture that my sister sent me.

In other random news, I finally settled my last unpaid negative tradeline on my credit reports. It was a silly low amount, but out foolish principle I resisted for years.  It was a lot of work, but hopefully this will mark the beginning of more mature financial decisions going forward.  But just like dieting and exercise, next month I say, I mean, I am moving and I'll be buying lots of random stuff.  Paying out the money was not fun though and since the settlement agreement is confidential, I won't say too much about it.  Good news though.

My days now consist of a lot of packing, which is going at a really slow pace.  Cleaning in an effort to only be charged my security deposit and nothing more.  I'm hoping this month goes by fast because I'm really looking forward to moving into my new house. This week, my housemate Norbert has been out of town and it is like I'm living by myself.  It has been a while since I have lived alone and it was a weird feeling.  It definitely has its pros and cons.

distractions