Abre los Ojos

"I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now, I see." - Amazing Grace

My spring break started this weekend, I'm so excited. I'll finally get away from all the work and get to relax and have a really good time. What better place to be than Miami. I have some friends coming down to visit, so I hope to show them a good time. I wish the sun would come out more so that I can spend more time on the beach. I have plans on getting some work done, but not too much.

My sister once told me that people don't take care of things when they get them for free. Also it is true that people will never take care of your stuff like the way they would take care of their stuff. You have to get over that sometimes. So I had a set of matching cups and glasses and when I first moved in, Fed broke one, so I went and purchased another set so I had more than enough glasses. Well recently, in a span of two days, he broke two more glasses. Hey, mistakes happen, and since I have so many, I didn't really care. Well on the third day, he broke one of my bowls. Even though I haven't broken any of my dishes, I can understand mistakes, but the previous two days of breakings kind of did make me think about it more. I was in a good zen though and told him not to worry about it. He then told me that he would buy me a new set of bowls....but then said, well if they are cheap/or not expensive. That did kind of bother me because I didn't want a set, just the bowl that was broken. I purchased the bowls in DC and they had sentimental value also, so I tried to find the store I bought them at here in Miami. Well the next night he comes in my room excited and told me not to worry about it and how he just purchased "3" new bowls. I was excited and asked him how he found the exact same bowls. He told me they were different, but kind of the same color. For an instant I was just confused. I told him to not order them and that I would find the bowl and just tell him how much it cost (honestly, probably like 5 bucks). I wanted to be angry, but then it hit me, he just isn't at the place I am yet. I used to be in a mindset where matching things didn't matter to me, mis-matched bowls and silverware were fine as long as they served their purpose. Because of that, I let it go and didn't get upset and recognized that what he was trying to do was genuinely good and in good faith. So back to DC...when I moved there, I had mismatched furniture and it seemed everything in my life was like that. Function was the key for me. As time when on, I learned about sets and matching couches, bedroom sets and everything of the sort. When things changed in my life, I had to start buying things. I had no dishes or silverware. S o I go to target and find a set of silverware that was perfectly me. Then I purchased cups, ones I really like. Then it was time for the bowls and plates. One day when I missed the shuttle to my apt, I saw these plates at linens and things and decided to buy one so that I could have a plate to eat my meals on. I figure if I ate and washed, I'd be set. Well as the weeks and months went by, I'd buy a new plate and a new bowl every now and then slowly working on completing my set of 4s. Then finally one day I had my set and it felt very good. It was very telling because it was also around the time I started to feel complete again. So his breaking of the one bowl wasn't just the one bowl, it made the set, now I don't have a set. (doesn't set really mean 3 not 4?) Hence, I need to find that bowl to complete my set or get a new set (something I would do next semester when I settle down somewhere). That is a lot of talk about a broken bowl. (And for more: I found the bowl...all is well.)

Here is something that bothers me, well used to bother me. I used to settle for a lot of shit from a lot of people. I give people the benefit of the doubt and let them work out their own issues, but I want only people that have positive energy in my life so what's the point of wasting people's time. You can't know everybody right, so why not go out and know the best people. Every person I consider a good friend, I would regard a one of those types of people. I'd rather have fewer good real friends than lots of fake friends. I used to mix that up with not knowing people, but I do like to have lots of people I know...but friends are a whole other level. There was this girl at work who was really negative, and once I just stopped being around her, I felt so much better.

On Tuesday I was in Civ Pro working in a group of 3 guys and 3 girls. We all worked together great on the assignment and I said, "So who is going to be the guy who goes up and talks to the class?" Another guy, a good guy, said, "You mean guy or GIRL right?" At my expense, he just came off like a gentleman. I quickly responded, "By guy, I meant people naturally, I mean I'm sure we all assumed it would be a girl going up." Which is really what I was thinking. Of course a girl did go up and nobody but me thought about that exchange ever again.

I have a professor that reminds me of Ms. Till from High School. She was my history teacher and well she found a way to garner fear in her students and held very high expectations. Well Ronner reminds me of her, but it does bother me that fear motivates to study for that class....instead of, well you know, gaining knowledge. Let's hope it works.

I have this belt that I always wear. It is a black leather belt and it really isn't too nice, but it is very comfortable. So, I have been at hole 2 for a long time and in college I used to be at hole 3. Today when I moved it back to hole three (meaning smaller) and it felt great. I need to get a new belt for going out and such, but it is hard to give up what is so comfortable. As a side note, I think I got the belt from my sister Vero, but it was so long ago, I'm not really all too sure.

The world starts to make more and more sense each day...well actually, I do.

Power of Now

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

Tuesday, after Civ Pro, I went to eat a late lunch with some friends. We went to this pizza place not too far off campus. I love going in cars when I don't have to drive. Sometimes you have perceptions of people in your head before you really get to know them, and most of the time, they are pretty off I think. We had a few interesting conversations, one about divorce and when girls came up, I mentioned how I think it is cool when you are dating a girl who likes to read (smart), who you can both read a book and then talk about it. Though this is secondary to the hot part, the guys seemed not to much care for that.

On the same topic, I don't know, I remember in high school picking up books a friend or girlfriend was reading and finishing them just so we could talk about them. Even to just complain that I didn't like it. I'm not talking book club type stuff, just casual conversations like when you talk about a really good movie. I love talking about movies with people, especially right after I see one. So it kind of hit me, that is something I would like, more so than a girl whose main thoughts centered on trying to show as much cleavage as possible and walk around wondering why guys can't see her for more than just a sex object. I've always enjoyed reading for my own entertainment (yet I don't like the actual work part of reading), but now I've kind of started to focus on reading more for learning and insight. Sucks though when I have questions and there is no one to talk to about them. I guess in general it is just nice to have friends to talk to about common interests or things going on in your life. I get a lot of that in law school cause we talk about law school stuff we read all the time, but there are times you just want to get away from all that.

Back to the lunch, so I broke away from my program for the first time in 5 weeks. Instead of the myoplex bar I was going to eat, I had a tuna sub with water. I had to fight the urgh to try the pizza, but they didn't seem to impressed either. It wasn't too bad, but they only had white bread. Jenny told me how she likes to study at Starbucks, a place I'd probably enjoy if I liked coffee. I just wouldn't feel right being there and not drinking coffee, but I'm just not a coffee person and considering it is not good for you, it is probably a good thing. Though, I might get more work done if I got out of the house to study in a relaxed place like that. Who knows, maybe I'll try it out sometime.

So I was talking to Terri and I was telling her how I wanted a Gmail account. I have wanted one since they day the google introduced it a long time ago. I tried to sign up for waiting lists and such, but to no avail could I get an account. I kind of gave up on it and decided to wait for the public release. Then I noticed Herbert had an account, I mean he probably didn't even care much for it, so I decided to put my mind to it and get one too. I told her it was my goal to get one by May (assuming I'd have to be on some sort of waiting list or something.) She of course laughed, telling me how many gmail invites she has gotten in the past and how she really doesn't care for the account. This probably explains why she didn't care much for my quest or incessive talk about it either. Well like two days later, last night, I saw Malak online and noticed she had a gmail account in her profile. I messaged her telling her I wanted one too. She told me she had invites and would invite me. I was excited, I mean now I would get invited and I might get an account in weeks or a month or something relatively soon. Well, I don't know crap about how this works, but I was able to get the account right then and there. Needless to say, I was pretty damn excited. Not really about the account because yeah, it really isn't too great, but more so because I met my goal in such a short period of time. I was in such a good mood, she put up this away message: "I just realized the power of GMAIL thanks to Marty :OP if anyone wants a gmail account, hit me up, 49 left (of 50)and they're going quick (not really...)" So yeah, well I don't care how easy they are to get, I got mine. Yahoo treated me well though and it doesn't change my email cause I still use my Cornell email for everything, since it forwards to wherever I want it anyway. Another goal, check.

Last night, I stayed up late, not really for a good reason, just couldn't sleep. It screwed up my plans to wake up early and go to the gym, so I decided to skip class. I drag myself out of bed and finally get to the gym to do my lower body day at exactly the same time I should be in Contracts. The cool thing was, that I saw a fellow classmate there who was working out too. I of course gave him shit for not being in class and we had a good laugh. The interesting part was that I had this weird feeling I would see someone from my class there. I changed over this week from machines to good old fashion barbell exercises. So today, I started squats for my quads. I'm usually good at them, but they feel like they take the effort of your entire body and really make you tired. It felt good though, even though my arms hurt a bit from getting used to holding the bar.

Sometimes it is hard not to let other people get you down. Hard to keep your good mood when theirs is more negative during that moment you interact. How do you weight something mean said to you? Should you cast it off and ignore it cause they are just being mean, or take the time to evaluate their comments and see if there is any validity. I never want to be in the ignorance is bliss group of people, so I kind of do a bit of both. No matter what course you take, coming out at the other end as happy as you were before is the true test. It is something I am still trying to figure out, or at least get better at. I need to stop being in bad moods around certain people too, you know without being fake.

I worry that I sometimes might accidentally repeat an intro quote. I keep them in a list and I read them over a lot to see what I am feeling that day, but I try to delete them once I have used them so that they don't get repeated. My system isn't full proof, so if you ever catch me repeating one, please let me know.

Today I got two phone calls on my cell phone from my own cell phone number. I didn't answer the first one, but I did the second one, but I didn't hear anything and I think it disconnected. Talk about weird. I wonder what it was? I hope I didn't get charged since I have moblie to moblie.

Speaking of moblie to moblie, why doesn't anyone in this world have Cingular? Everyone I talk to has everything else but. I have all these free minutes I could be using, but instead I'm wasting them on Sprint, Nextel, and Verizon people. And I wonder why I run out of minutes.

be who you are, I have no designs on changing you, I have my hands full dealing with myself.

The Alchemist

"No, I think closure is overrated, I'm more of a fan of open-ended unrequited love." - Seth The OC

I finished reading (well listening to) the Alchemist today. I thought it was a good book, with a lot of good quotes. I recommend reading it, but you really have to think a lot about what it is try to tell you. It came highly recommended and I hope to find a person who has read it too to see what take they had on it.

I'm never gonna forget this conversation I had with my friend Frida back on college. We were talking about relationships and such, and I made some mention that I don't really worry about girl's liking me, I worry more about having the opportunity for them to get to know me. I told her that is why I liked being friends with girls in a group and as they got to know me better, the girl I liked, I felt like I had a good chance with her. She made some comment of me being full of myself, which if you know me isn't really the case. I have been thinking about that, and it is true, I mean I just haven't made the effort for whatever reason to really get to know anybody. I'm not the type of guy a girl is going to want right off the bat (well sometimes, but usually this is not the case), but I am also not the guy that has to really show a girl who I am and for her to trade looks over personality cause that isn't the case either. I'm just a normal guy I think, so most people are indifferent towards me. Maybe most think I'm hideous, but fuck them. So yeah, I feel pretty happy with myself and who I am to not worry about someone not liking me for who I am, but I have been shying away from really making an effort to put myself in that position. I had a friend tell me that I just really hate rejection and therefore, in the past I have liked girls who happen to already be taken because well if they reject me, it is completely expected. But when a girl rejects you for "no one" well that hurts a bit more. Then I have the problem that I went from emotionally stable in high school to this emotional rollercoster guy through college and after and now feel emotionally stable again. Of course this is with the backdrop of not dating, to dating/relationships to not dating again. I haven't mastered dating and not letting myself not become the emotional rollercoster guy, though I am working on it. Then to make matters worse, I hate to lose. If there is a girl I don't really like or kind of like but not really, I have trouble just saying they are not right for me and moving on, because I don't want to lose, I don't want to lose a person that likes me or want to know I don't like them, but they like me. Why hold on to a person you don't really like (romantically) if you know there is no way you could ever be crazy about them? There are things you know not to do, but you have to admit when you do them to really change. Well, that is my girl talk for the day...sorry it didn't really have a much of a point, just had to get those thoughts out.

Here is a problem I am having. Fat kids. Now, kids are at a stage of their lives where small things that happen will haunt and affect them for the rest of their lives, where their outlooks on life are being shaped and some can work out of this and others will be trapped by things they won't let go. So you have a kid or children in your life that are fat and overweight. My family always raised us with the mentality of growing into your weight and didn't really do much explicitly to make us change. Implicitly, they would allow us to play sports and such, since they knew we would drop the weight there. There was never talk of nutrition or eating right. I was taught not to eat things that cost too much or that needed to be shared. I also think it is hard to tell a kid not to be fat when you are not a good example of how to be. So the next problem is self-esteem. You want a child to believe in themselves, to feel proud, worthy and happy with who they are. But do you really want them to be happy they are fat and getting fatter? Do you want them to be ashamed? It is hard. When I see these kids, I don't know what to do, I mean running around eating cheetos and treats, which would be find if they weren't already overweight. Then they see some of their family that is big and confident and they learn to just accept that that is how they are going to be, how they are going to look, to think it is normal. Well fuck that, I don't think they should accept it even though their genes might be a bit slower at burning fat than others. I have met very few fat people who eat right and exercise for a year and are still fat. Most have given up. I still not at my ideal weight and was fatter in the past, but I know why, because I didn't eat right and wasn't active enough. If I worked out and such and was still fat, well then feel sorry for me, but this was my own demise. So I say, if those kids were mine, I'd just shake up their whole world, I'd say that we as a family need to change and do everything I could for 6 months to help them lose weight, be more active and still be nourished without feeling like they are being starved. This sounds easier than it really is I understand, but I do believe that their quality of life will be better, if not emotionally, at least physically. But I am not the parent, so what can I do as an outsider. I don't want to come in and say, "hey you are fat, lose weight" cause they know that, and I can't just give them a plan for it because well they are kids and aren't as long term looking. So instead I write here and hope to gain insight on what to do. I really want them to be happy, but not a happiness where they accept living a life of obesity.

On the topic of kids...I used to always take pride in the fact that I felt I thought with the same way of thinking of when I was in 2nd grade. My knowledge and experience has clearly matured, but the process was very similar. First, this is completely not true and I don't know why I lie to myself about this. I am a completely different person from then and a completely different person from high school, college and even the last few years. I guess I promised myself I would never change when I was small because then I thought I knew everything and didn't want to come to understand that I didn't know anything. I think if you don't change and try to get better, then what are you doing? Sometimes I'll screw up and change good things and they become bad, but most of the time I feel like I can make a real improvement. Short term changes are easy, but long term changes are hard. I know a guy who got 20 bucks change from 10 bucks at a restaurant. He pocketed the 10, while the friend couldn't understand how he could just keep the money. I think there were times in my life where I would just keep the 10 bucks, but now I'm not like that anymore.

I love playing football. It is something I have always been good at, but have never been great or the best. I just enjoy the game so much that when I played, I played very smart, but considering I had no natural talent and was not really athletically inclined, I never really strove to try and be the best. I was always just an average to good player. My younger brother wasn't the most athletically inclined either, but he wanted to be the best and worked his ass off in the gym and ended up being a great running back. It was pure hard work and determination that made him good, not just something that came natural. Then you have school. In academics, I do well, I am very good. But then again I am not the best. I don't strive to be the best, just to be good. The problem is that no matter how good I get at school, there will always be someone smarter and better. So I see it as being a fruitless waste of time to invest so much more time than I already do to try to be the best when it is not possible. That type of thinking is so flawed for many reasons. I should take pride in being my best and not the world's best. Yeah my good is many people's best, but I really need to strive for my best because I have a lot to show the world.

My younger sister Eliza, got a new car! I am so proud and happy for her, since she has never driven a new nice car. She has been driving my mom's old Taurus for years and I have never heard her complain. She did get a good deal and got a 2005 Nissian Altima that she is very happy with. You know how when you dress better you feel better, well I hope that this helps her feel better and more confident and help on her way to becoming the person that we knew she can be. I hope to trade in my truck for my goal car, a simple VW Passat. I am going to wait until after the summer when I know what my situation for the next two years is going to be and if there will be anymore moving, but then I will find a way to make it happy. Like my friend Cynthia always said, "Marty, you always find a way to make it happen." My next goal car after that is going to be the stereotypical BMW, only because I drove one around a bit during one summer and I told myself that I wanted to be a person that could own that type of car.

Sunday night, I was sorting my pictures from one large bin into those nice shoebox looking picture boxes. (Part of my organization goal.) I just wanted to put them in instead really since I had them all in this crate. These are all the pictures I have collected in my life. Well somehow, I ended up looking at them briefly and I put myself into a stroll down memory lane. It could have gone into hours, but I flipped fast as to not get locked into any one moment. Pictures of family, friends and past times. I saw old 8th grade JBA pictures where I met some really cool people and dated some very attractive girls...high school drama tournaments that were so much fun and a time of both confidence and rejection. Then I saw pictures of Melissa, a girl I loved in high school and since the pictures didn't change, her smile was just as beautiful. Getting to the pictures of Kamille was hard as she was the epitome of what I thought I wanted in a girl, what I noticed more on those summer pictures was how happy I was to be in love with her. Then I got to college pictures...funny how I organize them in my mind by girls huh, pictures of Karyna, whom, well, I was always crazy about, friends, other girls I dated, fun times, football games, parties, and even recent loves. I felt good after, I have lived a good life, I have had some great times and I know wonderful things are in store. It did make me feel bad that I haven't been taking too many pictures in the recent years, great years where I'll only have in my memories and not have any snap shots to spark them. I don't know what to do though, I mean, I don't feel like I do things that merit pictures, but I'm just gonna have to lower my standards, because I saw pictures of my desk from freshman year and it meant a lot, so anything is really great. I think I needed this today.

I've been looking for the merchant's daughter when what I really wanted was Fatima.

Heads Up

My favorite Notebook quotes

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other. "

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."

"Noah: What am I gonna do in New York?
Allie: ...Be with me. "

"The next day ally woke up to find her world completely changed."

"It is over, let it go."
"It isn't over, it still isn't over."

"He got this notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to go back to him..."

"In the evening, to temper his loneliness, there was Martha Shaw."

"For the first time since I lost Richard, I feel like I have something to look forward to."

"Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. "

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. "

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,
learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah "

"A woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else."

"Allie: When I'm with Noah I feel like one person and when I'm with you I feel like a separate person.
Lon: Allie, it's normal not to forget your first love, but I want you for myself. I don't want to convince my fianceeée that she should be with me .
Allie: You don't need to convince me. I know you're the one I should be with. "

"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

Ok I know I should have just pasted the text of the entire movie, but i really believe that it was that good. It's a good movie and if you are a girl in a relationship, you probably got it for Vday.

So I am finally the big winner. I played poker well Thursday night, won a few big hands and ended up going heads up against Grant at the end. He had more money than I did, but I had enough to where I wasn't completely dominated. I was playing aggressive the whole night and continued with my new style of play. I slowly but surely took all his green chips until I had him in a position where I could just muscle him. I didn't just keep going all in to double up or win any great pots. He is almost done and then goes all in and I call with a 60/40% advantage and he doubles up. But I don't give up my strategy and in the end win his final all in hand where he had the statistical advantage. It felt good to finally come out on top. Hopefully I can keep this style of play up and it will continue to work. Each day I am learning and I really want to get good at this game.

I hate bringing this fucker up, but "[deleted]" is an asshole. On the 2 year anniversary of my sister's death, he serves the woman who sold her the car (a car she had to buy because this fucker wouldn't make his car payments on the truck Vero had) with a lawsuit for neglience. The complaint said that she was negligent for selling her car to a "reckless individual" to get more money out of the death. The insurance will pay out its limits (20 grand minus the 1/3 for his attorneys) and probably not let her fight it, but what really pissed me off was the fucked up shit it said about Vero in there....I mean she had no tickets, no alcohol or drugs in her system, but it goes on and on how she was an unstable person who was reckless and drove too fast and all kinds of fucked up shit you think a husband wouldn't say about his wife (and lies at that). A dead person has no rights when it comes to slander. First, I'd like to point out, that he is a fucking idiot for not just filing a claim and not doing a lawsuit, whereas he could get the money quickly with no problem and not have to pay that 1/3 out to his lawyer. This man just dug his own grave and will be caught up in litigation for the rest of his life and it will be my personal goal to make him pay for everytime he steps outside the law. His alleged cocaine use I'm sure will not help him out much. Oh yeah, still no head stone...talk about spitting in our face. Though, I am actually not too angry anymore, mainly because I can't control him or what he does, so I now know his true colors and his heart and know that he will continue to slander my sister, so why be angry over something I can't control and can't change. It will come back to bite him as his own daughters find out what an asshole he is and what he has done. I pity the man because he will always live in poverty and considering he is on the lower spectrum on the intellectual scale, this should be the highlight of his success, making money over a dead wife who not only was leaving him, but no longer loved him. True I hate that my nieces have to life with in a house with a "convicted registered sex offender" "[deleted]," [deleted]'s dad, but at least when I will say things, they will be true. Oh, not just a normal sex offender, but one convicted in respect to children. It is a public record, [deleted].

On a useless note, I found out this week that the St. Thomas that my school is named after is Saint Thomas of Villanova. I did not know that and I think there were a few St. Thomases, but I didn't feel like looking it up. So I'm gonna assume that the school Villanova was named after the same guy. You'd think I'd look up who this guy was and why he was so cool, but I figure I'll learn as my time passes here. This was something random I was thinking while looking at a seal on the wall.

Let me update you on my computer upgrade. Well I finally got the right RAM and a new harddrive. Well, when I moved stuff over to my new harddrive, one I forgot about all my emails, so I lost years of those. I guess that is good in a way because you can't always hold on too tight for the past. I had about 40GB of programs in a folder and most were zipped and now when I try to open them so far about 60% of them are damaged. That really sucks. Why can't things ever be easy.

I think people want to help poor people because they really want to help themselves because they understand poverty from growing up and having fewer opportunities, but it is ironic if they help people but never get out of what they have been running away from their whole lives.

You teach people with behavior, for better or worse

Never Let You Go

"Nothing is insignificant." - Samuel T. Coleridge

Today has been an emotional day. It probably didn't help that once my Contracts class was canceled, I came home and watched the Notebook. It is a good movie and I'll share my favorite quotes another time.

It has been two years since Vero's car accident. Life is starting to become more normal and I can't help but feel guilty that life has continued to go on sometimes as if nothing happened. I rationally understand that life must go on, but it is still very hard to internalize. It also sucks that I can't do anything for her, so I feel helpless in a way. One thing I will say is that this tragic event has so inspired my life, made me want to do my best and honor her memory and also as a turning point in my life where I learned to truly be happy, respect life and how to succeed in the time I am here. If you can go through this, you can go through anything. I'm doing great and life is only getting better and what I want to do is become an amazing role model for Rebekkah and Jamie and also do everything in my power to help them live the life they deserve. I've talked about this before I know, but I just want to reaffirm my resolve to continue to honor her in the small ways I can. So here is my memory for today. We are at her house, sitting in her room and she starts telling me about her life and some of the happenings in it. She was asking my advice and it started to hit me that I was now her equal, her brother, not just her little brother. My advice and words now meant something. It meant a lot that she respected my views enough to care about what I said. Of course a large part was just her trying to share with me what was going on in her life. It is only a snapshot of a moment when I started to really get to know my sister, something I am glad I got to experience once I got older. I do wish I would have gotten to know her better, but I'm sure now she knows all about me.

Last week I happened to be watching 20/20 when Corey Feldman had an interview about Michael Jackson. It must suck to be Feldman or Culkin and be asked all the time, "So were you molested?" Now we all know Feldman has talked about MJ in the past, but has never said anything too bad about him. Well in this interview he pretty much says that MJ saw porn mags with him (MJ was 35 and he was 13 or 14) and showed him mags of naked people with sexually transmitted diseases. Now, I believe people are innocent till proven gulity, and I won't say MJ molested the kid in the case, but this just proves that MJ is really fucked up. A 35 yr old man seeing porn with a young boy is abuse and he should as Feldman said, "Get his ass kicked for it." So does this mean beyond a doubt he is a molestor? No, but does it mean he is fucked up and more likely than not a molester. The thing about MJ was that other than him being creepy and weird, there was no real proof the public had, but for me, this was all the proof I needed. This was all I needed and now want the evidence to come out and for this man to pay for being such an asshole as to moleste young boys. Now, I know Feldman could be lying, but honestly, do you think a person would really lie about something like that? Either way, I guess we will let their lawyers CX him and prove what they want.

When you are little kid, you pull the covers over your head to deal with being afraid of the dark. Of course you don't much care about the dark part, but mainly scary things that can hurt you which you can not see or don't want to see. You feel so comfortable and safe under there even though those very same monsters can still hurt ya through that thin blanket. I'll admit even now I've woken up from a bad dream and covered my head so I could go back to sleep. See, as irrational it seems to think a blanket will protect you, I don't really think that is the motivation. I think the scariest part is seeing something scary, not getting hurt by it. If there are ghosts out, or demons or what not, I doubt they can hurt me, but seeing them would scare the shit out of me, so I'd rather just not look for them. I guess it is not a good thing to use for your problems.

I increased minutes on my cell phone to 600 and I had to spend this week with just 24 day time minutes. That totally sucked. I need to stop calling people during day time hours. Sometimes I just like to call home or friends while I am driving, but since it is starting to cost me (and cost me way too much money during winter break) I'm gonna hold back. Update: I used the 24 real quick and went over, hope the bill doesn't kill me.

Condsidering the amount of time I have been spending in the gym (more times, rather than time in total), it makes me think about a story about a guy named Carlos. Carlos was a shorter man, just below average hieght. He wasn't a bad looking guy and was religously addicted to going to the gym. He was clean cut and was built like a motherfucker. Considering this guy found any excuse to take his shirt off, it was easy to tell that he was fucking strong and cut like no other. It was funny though that he didn't put any effort into his cardio or lower body and his legs didn't quite match up too great with his upper body, but this guy was still in amazing shape. It did annoy the hell out of me that he had his eye brows done with lasers (like forever plucking them) and they looked real fake. So when I met him, I thought, man this man must get laid like no other. He really had no excuse for not hitting anything that came his way. Then he opened his mouth and I got to know him. I don't mean to be rude, but talk about a loser. This guy has no social sense and was terrible with the ladies. He was once hooking up with this chick and later someone pointed her out to me and she was to put it nicely, very ugly. In all the years I was around him, I never saw him with one girl I would consider hot. I will always remember this guy because it showed me that whole idea that if you rich it doesn't mean you will be happy and if you are in great shape, it doesn't mean you will be happy either. If you are a loser before, you will be a loser after. I won't sit here and mention guys who were less than average yet seemed to get girls they didn't deserve (but man I have examples). So I try not to trick myself into thinking that I will be a better person because I am getting in better shape, I mean, it is going to totally help, but it can't be the end all of who I want to be. It also shouldn't be an excuse to quit being on any program though.

Speaking of, there is a fine line between being happy with yourself and wanting better. I feel like if I am truly happy, then well I'll have no need to improve and we can always improve. But on the other hand, if I keep seeing a carrot on a stick in front of me, and can never reach it since it moves as I move, then when will I ever be happy. So I am forced to find a way to be happy now and still want more for later. It is hard to say, and for me a bit harder to do. So my goal is to figure it out.

there is no reality, only perception....working on my distorted self talk...wish I had gmail

Jealous of You

"Happiness consists more in small conveniences or pleasures that occur every day, than in great fortune that happen but seldom to a man in the course of his life." - Benjamin Franklin

Ah, the oh so wonderful Vday entry. You can probably find them all over the net, with people complaining how much they hate it, but really inside wishing they had someone to be with and enjoy this day. I personally don't think the corporate influence really takes away too much from the day, the same way I wouldn't say the birth of Jesus shouldn't be downlplayed because it is now all about money and gifts. So to everyone out there, hope you have someone to enjoy this day with, and the rest of you, you are in good company and who knows maybe next year.

I decided to upgrade my computer. I started off by buying RAM. Well my computer uses RDRAM, which is very expensive, whereas new computers use DDRRam or something and it is much cheaper. But, I don't need a new computer, so I buy the Ram the only place they sell it, online, and I install it. Well the RAM was bad, so it messes up my computer. I am going to have to return it. I uninstalled it, and my computer isn't back to the way it used to be. Then I buy a new harddrive and install that, talk about far from easy. I now have to wait until Monday to talk to customer service. I hope my computer doesn't end up worse off than it was before I invested this money into it. I'll be happy if it just works.

Friday, I decide to go to Best Buy and a new one at that. Have you every gone on a journey to find something, and it ended up being closer to where you started than you had thought. It was across the street from the mall I shop at and I drove far and wide to find it. Luckily, instead of viewing it as a few hours wasted of my day, I end up finding the Target that has been eluding me for a very long time. When I moved here, I was told there was a close Target, but I never could find it, so I would go to a real far one. Considering how unhappy I am with Walmart right now, I was using a lot of gas just to get there. On my trip to BestBuy, I noticed it was across the street from there, so it made the whole trip worth it. I got in to return some stuff and there was no line. Could things get any better? Well, there was a drawback, they don't sell food at this Target, but I have a Publix across the street from my house, so that is no real excuse. I got a price match on the hard drive I bought at Best Buy, so that was cool too. After, I went to a furniture store to find the coffee table I have been searching the country for. They told me that they used to have one, but they don't any more. (table that comes up so you can eat off of it.) I will find one.

They are not part of my program, but I purchased reduced fat wheat thins and they are so addictive, I won't buy them again. They are worse than potato chips in that you can't eat just one. I did the math on how many I ate and yeah, yeah, not reduced fat if you eat the whole box. I never thought I'd like wheat thins, but I guess I do.

Sunday was my cheat day, so I decided to finish my ice cream so that I wouldn't have to see it in the freezer each time I opened it. When I was a kid, I could never understand why you just couldn't refreeze ice cream. It melts and then you freeze it, and it tastes and looks nothing like ice cream. I wonder what it is that makes ice cream cream. Either way, damn that was a great invention. There were these coconut ice creams on a stick I used to buy as a kid in Texas that were so damn good. You had to wait till they melted a bit and they tasted much better (like any popsicle), but I seemed to eat them when they were ice cold, ice burning my mouth, but I couldn't help it, they were so good. I hope to find them again. Taco Bell and menudo today, yum.

Sunday, I also went to Home depot to try to find the most random thing, a wheel for my bed frame. One has been broken, and I don't want to buy a whole new frame. I didn't know where to find one, and thought ebay, but shipping would make it not worth it if they actually had it. Well after walking around, I found my velcro I was looking for (off my list) and somehow stumbled upon a section with wheels. Man that store kicks ass, I can't wait until I have a house and I can start buying shit for it. I did have to buy 4 wheels even though I just needed one, but it was still worth it. On the way out, I saw the mag light. When I was a kid I thought it was the coolest light and always wanted one. Though I don't have a good use for it, I compromised and bought the medium sized one just to tell my inner child, I made it Marty, I have the mag light. So I will put it in my truck and maybe one day I'll get a flat in the dark, who knows. The big one was too big and I don't have anyone to club with it, so I passed it up, but I could have gotten it had I wanted it. (Credit cards yelling: Stop Marty, you are gonna drown!)

Back tracking, Thursday night, I got home from class and fell asleep. When I got up, it was time to go play poker. We played at Kevin's house. There was six of us playing, and Maury has won all the other times we played. Well actually, the first time, he split with Joe his roommate. Well I played well and had a lot of bad beats, and even folded some hands that were the best going into the turn or river, but I was proud of how disciplined I was being. Finally, there are 3 of us left over and one of my opponents was Joe and the other Tom, a guy who has knocked me out the last two times we played. Well Joe goes all in, and Tom calls, so I'm left with KQ suited, which I knew was the best hand pre-flop. Now we all have about the same amount of chips (80 bucks total, so about 27 a piece), so if I call as well, I can take it all and then have an opponent that has less than 5 bucks. But, my odds are much lower since there are 3 of us and they must have something good for each to call, so instead I folded and chose to let themselves knock themselves out and then play heads up from an underdog position of 2-1. (figured I could get to half and half and maybe split or get my money back since it was late.) They flip and I did have the best cards, but Joe wins the hand and had I played, I would have lost, so I'm glad I folded. So now I get to work on my heads up game which I think it my weakest. We are also at 1 dollar 2 dollar blinds, so I don't' have too many hands I can play. I lose a lot of money, but then go all in and win. So I'm getting back in the game, I lose some more and then go all in a few times. I am finally called. Now if I win, I'm now the chip leader, but if I lose, well it is over. I have something like AK and Joe called with Q6 off suit. I'm a clear favorite to win the hand, but Joe hits his Q or 6 (memory) and I lose. Another 20 bucks, another 2nd place, but since I don't go out much anymore, it was well worth it. (Why do I justify it to you, it is my money.) I was real proud of how I played and how I am learning, but I still need to improve so that I can go into the final with the chip lead. I really like playing with these guys because they are all good, so it is hard to win easy hands and I get to learn more and more. I have yet to go to the casinos here, talk about discipline.


Let me close out back to the Vday topic. This isn't as much about vday as it is about the marketing. A lot of commercials targeted towards men about women seem more about not pissing them off, rather than making them happy. (See chocolate commerials, beer commercials and others.) They do make a good impact on guys, since well of course women tend to get pissed off a lot and we try to keep that to a minimum as to keep the quality of our lives up. So I think this sucks for two reasons, one, that shouldn't be the focus man, I mean getting her something or doing something to avoid her trantrum/mood is a shitty way to live and shitty reason to do anything that on the outside looks like you care. (how many dog house commercials have you seen?) I think this keeps men from doing things (or more importantly, wanting to do something) to make women happy and instead focusing on not pissing them off. Next, I think it is damn shitty that women are like that. Nothing is worse than a woman that just nags and complains and wants you to change everything in an irrational manner. There are better ways to make a person change than just being a bitch about it. Of course, being rude and withholding herself, kind of makes one choose between what is right and what is best for you. So guys just placate and learn to focus on not pissing her off rather than making her happy. See the cycle. It of course depends on the type of chick and some are better and cooler than others (you of course)in this, but I think these marketing campaigns show that this is quite the trend. Note: I don't argue guys aren't inconsiderate jerks, yes they can be, but there are better ways to help them change their ways rather than being the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond. God, that is a perfect example. What a shitty marriage where the guy clearly loves the wife, but focusing on not pissing her off because she is so damn moody and controlling. LOL, maybe this is why I'm single, so I probably shouldn't say too much until I find a way to make it work and since I can only change myself and not the girl. So for you girls that got flowers, candy, gifts or diamonds, I hope it was to make you happy and not to keep you from being upset. Either way, enjoy it cause it is your day today. (We need a Vday for guys, but that is next years Vday entry.)

Ok, I found this part of an email funny.

I pretty much shared the same thing with the driving issue. You have to wake up one day and schedule a driving lesson. don't be afraid to tell the driving instructor that you never driven a car, don't be afraid to fail your road test because I failed too. in fact, the first time i took the test the inspector told me that i could not make right or left turns. the next time i took the test an old viejito passed me eventhough i couldn't park and i also keep fucking up the turning. by the way, you should take driving lessons in LA because it is kind of fuck up here in the nyc or the bronx. my driving instructor, on my lesson time made me drive to a bodega to buy beer. whatever kid, i didn't mind that he was drinking during my driving lesson, what's fucked up is that he fucking made me paid for the beer...whaaaaaaaaaaaat kid...and he hasn't paid back!

It should relax you, not stress you.

What is a tempest?

"Whenever I'm around her I feel the need to prove to her to that I deserve to be around her." - Seth - The OC

Tempest - Furious agitation, commotion, or tumult; an uproar: "The tempest in my mind/Doth from my senses take all feeling." (Shakespeare).
Idiom: tempest in a teacup/teapot. A great disturbance or uproar over a matter of little or no importance.

The reason I bring this word up is that I have heard it a lot in my life and just assumed it means something like "temptress", just because it sounded similar, talk about weak logic. People need to use that word more.

Ok, let's get this topic over with. My brother in law finally answered the phone when I called on Monday. You rehearse how you are going to say something in your head, but it never comes out the same way. Short version, I got the same old bull that he wasn't ready yet, but that he would put the headstone soon. I asked him if he felt 2 years was a normal amount of time to wait and that I needed something better than just soon because well, we got that 2 years ago. I told him that I was going to be calling again on her bday in May if it wasn't up yet and he acted like it would be taken care of by then. It kind of sucks writing about this cause he can read it if he wants, but I think he knows where I stand. I wasn't rude or anything and he did tell me to have my family stop saying bad things about him, but would not give me examples. Because it is actually a policy we stick to, not talking badly of a father in front of his kids, I don't know what we can do. This came about because of Bekkah overhearing my conversation and going back to him. I love her, but I understand her loyalty is to her dad, but nothing I said was untrue nor out of line even if I knew she was listening, which I did not. He wouldn't tell me what either way. He threatened taking away the girls from us, by "drastic measures" if it (not telling me what it was) wouldn't stop. I told him that he should just communicate his problems because those measures would be "expensive" for the both of us. (My only way of not getting pissed off and telling him it would mean going to court which would need lawyers and their expensive fees.) We do have a court order for visitation, so the second he violates it, we have to go to court to get it enforced, that should be fun...so I hope it doesn't come to that. Well that is all I'm going to say about this until May.

Here is what I call an entry conversation I had with a friend.

Marty: I am slowly starting to hate walmart more each time I go...ok I'm gonna write entry style so I don't have to repeat this....so I go to return some stuff (thank God I keep all my reciepts for everything) and I have to wait in line for over an hour. Luckily I had 3 things to return. (if you must know, a blender, a clapper and a massager - stupid stuff I tell ya.)
Marty: and I played video poker on my phone the whole time, but people who return stuff are worse than the normal walmart people and normal walmart people (in Miami and DC NOT Texas) are already shady and rude.
Marty: yup, walmart is smart for making that economic hurdle of waiting in line with a bunch of assholes for a long time who eat McDonalds (there in line) and wonder why they are fat asses.
Marty: So after at least what seemed like an hour of waiting, I get my money back and decide it is free money so I go buy more stupid stuff, like a table cloth, table mats and some groceries.
Marty: well guess what?, there are only 3 of all the types table mats...only walmart I tell you. This would not happen in Texas.
Marty: so I finally pick a cloth I like (tan design) and some blue mats and ask the walmart lady to help me out. She looks at me and tells me in Spanish that those two don't match...I had a feeling, but I have no eye for that sort of thing.
Marty: in the end I end up getting some expensive mats that matched only a bit better, but were not what I was hoping for.
Terri: now marty
Marty: yeah, that is my story, I hate walmart now.
Terri: here you are, telling me yesterday that you think you buy stupid stuff.
Terri: and then return it.
Terri: heh
Terri: now, why in the world would you go and buy stuff you're not completely happy with?
Terri: THE SAME DAY YOU RETURN YOUR OTHER STUFF.
Terri: you need me more than I thought.
Terri: 8-)
Marty: Now I have to go do this again for Target returns, I'm creating a terrible cycle.

So a while back I purchased a pair of pants from Express because they were very cheap and on sale (also looked good). The had something I hadn't seen since the 80s, buttons instead of a zipper. I like the pants, but they are not as baggy as my other pants so I waited until they fit better before I started wearing them. Well today I pulled them out, pulled the tags and wore them to school. Well since this is my 3rd week of drinking massive amounts of water, I've just accepted I'm going to have to piss more often. I have yet to sit through an entire contracts class, and that is because I don't drink any water during class, but still. So today I notice that buttons are very inconvenient when you have to take a piss. It is this whole ordeal of button after button, I don't know why anyone would ever choose to have buttons. Needless to say, these
are the last pair of pants with buttons I plan on buying, even if I don't drink as much water in the future.

Spring break is quickly approaching, and I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I hope to have some friends come and visit, but no plans are set up yet. I was thinking of making taking a trip somewhere, but I don't know where to go. I guess since I live by a beach, maybe I should just stay here and relax and enjoy the beach and catch up on some work.

I love Coke. I'd say soda, but though soda is good, Coke itself is one the I'm found of. My whole life it has been an addiction I have had (mainly the sugar and caffeine part). I have gone long periods with coke and long periods without coke, but no matter what, I love it. Now, lets say Coke hurt me, it was slow, but over time it messed up my body, added to making me fat, and
probably really hurt my kidneys. Despite all these things, I still love coke, but at the same time I know what it can do to me and I don't want that done to me again. I also know that it would easily do it to me again. I wish there was a way to describe this feeling, a feeling where I don't lie to myself and say that I don't love and enjoy the benefits of coke, but also understand that it is not worth it. You see where I'm getting at, I guess you just accept the oblivious and go live a better lifestyle. Interestingly, I'll probably never give up Coke though.

I do not understand crossword puzzles. My first experience with them was in elementary school when we would have assignments to fill out crossword puzzles. Because of that, I see them as work and not fun. I have the same view of word searches. What really gets me, is that people do these for fun. I remember being young and at my sister Vero's house and noticing she had a word search book in the restroom. I just couldn't see the fun. Then today I see a girl in class working on an online crossword puzzle. Am I just weird? I think that it has to do with my terrible spelling, I mean if you can't spell, making words cross can be prettyhard.

The ABA is coming to our school next week. They are doing there usual site inspection, so we had a meeting to let us know about it and to be a little extra good for this week. One of the issues they brought up was using AIM during class. This is extra funny because I am writing this in class right now. The example that was used was by a Civ Pro professor who said that the problem is seeing uncharacteristically happy and smiling students in his class. He might find Res Judacata enjoyable, but he knows something is up when they are smiling really big when looking at their notes. I worry that I do that a lot in class, just smile real big instead of keeping my AIM poker face. So next week, I'll keep it to a minimum, but I'll also start working on my face. It keeps your mind active I think, but yeah it can be distracting.

You can't lose what you don't have

Super Sunday

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." -Buddha

Today is the day, the day where you hang out with friends, drink and watch a football game that tends to be a blow out, but that has decent commercials. There were a few things going on, but since I felt like being a homebody, I stayed at home, had a few friends over and we ordered pizza and wings and watched the game. Luckily, it was my cheat day and I didn't much feel up to drinking since I haven't really felt the need to in quite some time. How exciting is this, I actually go some ironing done during the game. I mean if I'm just going to sit there, might as well get some stuff done. It was a fun time, nevertheless. Update: Great game, glad the Patriots won.

Quick note, another call today, another voicemail, still no return phone call. I'm giving him until Weds, where as, I'm just going to call his mom, cause no one likes it when you call their mom. I still won't be angry or pissed, or even mean on the phone, but people can't ignore their problems, especially when they are me. At what point is a person ignoring you?

On the same subject, this weekend my mom got the girls. I called while they were getting ready to go to church and told my niece to remind her dad to call me and then talked to her a bit about stuff, but as a kid she didn't really know what to say, maybe because she didn't feel comfortable. I found out her phone was disconnected because her family didn't receive the phone bill, but that they would reconnect it "later." Oh that famous "later," I mean you can't argue it, and hell it buys you time. Sounds like finances are not going well for them, which sucks because it affects the girls. Then I talked to my mom, and I thought the phone was passed to her, but instead it was picked up in another room. So guess who listened to my more candid conversation with my mom, yes my niece. Luckily I didn't say anything too bad, but I did talk more about the topic on adult terms which she heard. As I heard her hang up the phone, I made my mom put her on. Usually, you scold a kid for doing this, but instead I told her that I know she heard everything and even though I didn't want for her to stress about why I was calling or the situation, now that she heard, I wanted to tell her myself so that she could understand and not just try to figure it out from overhearing. I told her that it sucks being an inbetween between to people you love that are not getting along and that I didn't want to make her feel that way. Nevertheless, now that she chose to involve herself, I am going to tell her what is going on. I told her how all I wanted was an explanation better than "later," but since I haven't even gotten that, I just wanted one. I wish I could put this all behind me, but seriously, I've waited in the shadows long enough and my efforts are only going to grow.

She also told me how she is going to a Valentines dance. She is in the 7th grade. She was going with my sister Eliza to buy a dress today. She was real excited cause she was going to ride in a Limo, take pictures and then go out to eat with a group of friends. Funny how we take things for granted like going out to eat with friends, something that was such a big deal when we were younger. I never went to my 7th grade dance, and went to my first dance in the 8th grade alone. I had a good time though and I don't think I had a real date to a dance until...wow, late in high school (non-friend date.) Those are good growing up memories, I hope she has a nice time.

Last night I saw the movie Ray. It was a good movie. It kind of drags at times, but the fact that it is true and I didn't know much about his life, made me enjoy it so much more. I know one thing, no heroin for me. Even blind men cheat, man, it is not looking good for guys I think. I'm going to really have to be in love with I get married because I don't want to have to deal with all that shit. Jamie Fox does deserve the Oscar though, he was dead on I think.

let me go

Interruption in space or time

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher

There was a time in the 8th grade when I discovered the internet, but at that time I knew it as AOL. Those were the good old days of AOHell and phishing. I had to come up with a screen name and since I liked the word "kewl" and "mustangs," kewlstang seemed to make the most sense. I kept that screenname over the years (over 10), even though I didn't like it too much after lets say, 10th grade, but I worried that people knew me under that name and changing would be too much trouble. What an idiot I was, I mean I talk to a certain amount of people and those I don't talk to, probably don't remember my screenname anyway. All zero people have looked me up since. So I finally decided to change my screenname and retire the old one, that took a lot of time. Email me for it, but I'm sure if we chat you already have it.

Sometimes when you talk to someone their character just comes through in how they act and what they say. Things start to become really clear. You also start to see how important you are to them, especially compared to lets say a search bar or something more pressing on their mind. Another thing I learned was that someone thought I had blocked their ip address from my webpage so they could not access it, something I don't know how to do and if I did know how to do, I still wouldn't use because there are a million computers in this world, so if someone wants to visit my public site, they can visit it. It also defeats the purpose of having a public site out there for people to read. The fact that I had never lied to them in the past and always held myself to be an honest person and that they still did not believe me despite my giving my word, showed me even more how I was viewed in their eyes and really gave me a peace about not stressing over a person that didn't think much of me to begin with. Some people can't help being selfish, especially when they don't think they are being that way and I don't think they should be any other way than who they are. It really wasn't this deep I do admit, but this applies to more than just this situation in life in general.

Today at the gym, a girl who worked there complimented me on my [want to say kick ass body, but instead] Crown Royal bag I told you all about in my last entry. She said it was a smart idea and kind of neat, but I really know she wanted to ask me out. It was not her lucky day though, so I just went about my way and did my workout.

You can find out a lot of stuff on lexis. I had a good friend in high school named Missy. She was two years older than me and we met my sophomore year during a class where we just helped out in the counselors office. It was such a great class. Just an hour to have fun and spend time with friends, namely her. She had just gotten back to school after a traumatic accident she had had, and it was the first I really got to know her. We became best friends and would talk each night on the phone for hours. She was a very sweet girl and though she wasn't very smart, she was the kindest, nicest person you will ever meet. We used to fight about how I couldn't understand why she loved running (cross-country) because my view was that running was something that should be done when you have to, not for the sake of running. Yet now I run 3 times a week, ironic huh. I did fall for her and she was interested, but nothing ever grew out of it and we ended up just being friends. It was one of the few times in my life where I was actually able to be friends with a girl I really liked (such as Karyna). We kept in touch up until 1999, my 2nd year in college, but after that we lost touch and I had no contact info for her. Her family moved from Edinburg to Houston I think, so I couldn't even just go by her house. She had met this guy named Eli in Houston and I remember that she really liked him. Well I have thought about her every now and then and was recently thinking about her this month and was wondering how I could find out what she was up to. So today I was on Lexis and noticed you could look certain things up, like records on people. So I looked up my family and myself to see what came up. Well then I looked Missy up. Well I found out she was married in Hidalgo county (Edinburg is in this county), on 6/17/00, not too long after we last talked to a guy named Eli E. She was 23 years old. I also checked the divorce records and they are still married it seems. Even though I don't have an email for her, it was still nice to know she loved this guy enough to get married, and I'm sure she is very happy. It would be nice to hear from her, but it did make me feel good that things seemed to work out.

After class, I worked on a writing project with Ralph and then headed to the mall for a haircut. I don't know how, but I spent so much time there and consequently more money than I should of. I got new batteries for my watches and a new kenneth cole watch. I somehow ended up at kay jewelers, and got something from there. The lady was amazed at the credit line I had at that place, but with no reason to use it, I figured I'd buy something nice, but not too nice. After, I went to Target, and had the same problem there.

So I never got a call from my brother-in-law Jaime. So I got his number and called him. I haven't talked to him since the funeral, almost two years ago, and he said he was in a meeting and would call me back. I guess he didn't know my number and accidentally answered. So he never called back, so I called him again and no answer. I think he is ignoring me. I'm sure if I stay persistant, he will have to pick up at some point. If not, I think I might just call his mom, since well, she is the real puppet master. I'm trying not to get upset, and I won't, because everything you do or don't do for that matter, comes back to you.

I talked to Juan Carlos. According to him, he went from 178 to 146 over this last year. I think that is very impressive, which means that winning the Bronx 4 mile run this summer isn't going to be the cake walk I imagined. He might come visit me for Spring Break, that should be fun. Considering his love for dancing, I'm Miami is going to be a great fit.

The day came and passed, you can't let me down if I don't expect anything from you.

Groundhog Day, Again?

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I don't think Groundhog day has been used to its full capacity. Today Phil the groundhog said there would be 6 more weeks of winter, yet no one seemed to care. I personally don't mind considering winter here is as nice as summer. Other than a great movie named after it, I don't feel corporations have done much with it, like they have Christmas, and vday. I'm sure there are marketing opportunities out there. Maybe like the Tostitos Gday NFL 3rd place bowl. Today seems to be more about the movie and how sometimes you feel like you are living the same day over and over. Sometimes I feel that way, since the only thing that seems to change is me and the rest of the world seems to be the same on the outside, with the same jerks, opportunities, problems, etc.. I seem to think about the same stuff, do the same stuff and even talk about the same stuff. Even the state of the union tonight feels like more of the same.

I guess nobody but my good friend Rick, Marisa and that spamming lady Sarah listened to me and actually wrote in my message board and/or guestbook. I guess my visions of the message board being used to talk about different topics or feedback on topics I bring up here, is just not gonna happen. Thanks guys for killing my dream. Actually, just take this plead as my final complaint about this, now I'll leave you alone.

I still have dreams about Vero, yet it is still pretty rare. I wish I could be more self aware as to enjoy the time more. My ideal dream would be to just talk to her and have a conversation as if she was here right now. In my dream I tend to be upset at her about being gone for so long and how worried I had been not knowing where she was. Then as my anger goes up, I just run up to her and hug her, scared I'm going to lose her again. There usually isn't much to the dream really, very little talking and more like a series of moments. For whatever reason, it is like I never can understand that she has passed away, but yet I feel it...I think it might be that my subconscious mind just hasn't really accepted it and for some irrational reason feels like she might just be missing or something. I wish I could explain it better, but I miss her more each day and think of her often.

One thing I hate about going to the gym is that I need to carry stuff with me and I usually don't have a place to put it. I try to limit the stuff I take with me, but at a minimum I need my membership card, my keys, ipod, gloves, pen, Body for life chart, and stopwatch. Carrying all of this stuff sucks, especially since I have water and tend to pick up a towel too. So I decided to use my Crown Royal purple bag as a man purse for the gym. It is totally working out and saves me a lot of trouble. It's a good idea my friends, and I'm sure I'm the envy of every man at that place.

I really hope you are proud

Hard Rock

I know you've been sworn

I read your complaint

You're needing someone older

And though I've been warned to live day by day

There's something taking over

Did you expect to kiss me one time

While looking at me with the same eyes ever again?

So come on and face it
I understand I wasn't part of the plan

A dollar short, a minute early
Let's bypass the bullshit and move on because

The minute hand moves faster than you think it does

And by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine
- John Mayer Love Soon

Do you know I'm in law school? Well it must have not completely sunk to me because though I got all this law school studying stuff down, I have been avoiding my researching skills. Considering that once I am a lawyer, this is all I will do, it kind of makes sense to not only learn to do this, but to be really great. My research skills are really awesome when it comes to google, but on lexis and westlaw, I am beyond terrible. I used to be ok, but I guess I just don't have the patience and feel like there will always be something better out there. I am going to take a Lexis and Westlaw class because of this.

I talk about this because I had this client letter due today for my writing class. Talk about an easy assignment that took me way too long to finish. It was only 5 pages long, but mine ended up 6 pages long after cutting it down from 8, but it literally took me days to complete. I was so stressed, I just couldn't get my mind around it. This is all I have been working on through the weekend. I got home from school yesterday at 4pm and worked untill 3am and didn't even have much done. I just couldn't get the research part down, the writing was not a problem at all once I had the information. I even skipped class today (first time this semester) and worked on it. My body must of been beat because in the morning, I couldn't finish my run, well I finished it, but not at the speed I wanted. That sickness I mentioned, it is lurking again. Aren't I glad I'm one of those people without health insurance. I finally finished cleaning up the paper at 5pm, with an hour to kill before class, which I used to watch the Simpsons, eat and get ready. I am so very glad to be done.

Sometimes it bothers me that certain guys can say some crude things, while others can't. For example, today on celebrity poker, Chris Katan kept making comments about a woman's breasts, now had Jason Alexander made those comments, it would be creepy, since well Chris comes off gay and Jason, well he is George, so we know he is perverted. Of course this is an extreme example and I hate to equate myself with George, but it makes my point. My point is that I'm one of those guys that just can't get away with saying shit, like really cussing, saying bitches or hoes, cause I guess I say things in a way where it sounds like I mean it. This idea actually came up when I was talking to a friend about the OC. I was saying how Summer's new
boyfriend is a pussy, where as my friend argued he was a good guy. I just can't understand how he can hang out with and be friends with a guy who not only boned his current girlfriend, but who still wants her and she too in interested in him. It is clear that they still sweat each other very much. She argued that that just proves how great he is because he is above all that jealously, but being above that means thinking and trusting that that was the past and now they won't want to have sex and are truly friends, yet, they clearly still like each other, so he is just being an idiot to let her have her cake and eat it too, and exposing his chick to a guy who wants her. Doesn't seem like he has much self respect there. Well if you noticed I used the word bone. I remember when I first heard the word used a few years ago, I found it offensive, crude and almost worst than fuck, yet after hearing it used so much by friends, it just worked it's way in to my vocabulary every once in a while. Well my friend was not happy about me using it, which is good cause I shouldn't talk like that, but I think had I been a different type of guy, it just wouldn't be a big deal. I guess in the end, I don't want to be that type of guy, cause I like knowing that what I say is what I mean and my selected words carry much strength, but part of me still thinks it is unfair.

Some people never win anything (are you thinking of me?), others seem to win a lot of things. Fed won a trip to Paris when he was in the 6th grade, and yesterday won a raffle at the law school, where he won a dinner for 4 at Hard Rock, VIP passes, a table and a bottle of liquor at their premiere club Passions. I am very excited for him since, well I was invited, at least for now, until 3 tall hot blondes end up taking up the other spots, but I would happily bow out. He probably won't use the gift until after finals though, and despite my argument that he
should do it sooner, he did win.

So I am still downloading books and learning stuff off the internet like crazy. I just discovered Newsgroups, talk about an untapped area of downloads where you can get all kinds of crazy free movies, songs, and audiobooks. I am still learning how to do everything, so that is one of my new projects. Hopefully I'll get to listen to all these books I am getting.

I longed to hear those three special words, I give up, who knew they would be mine