End of the Year

"A friend to all is a friend to none." - Aristotle

This is my 600th post.  How crazy is that?  And that only includes the entries after I moved from hosting my own site manually to Blogger.  I can't believe I have kept a blog all these years (since 1999) and always go through these moments where I question why I keep one to begin with.  I don't think it is only hubris, but there is something cathartic about putting your thoughts down when you have a lot of things on your mind. I'm sure a private journal would also suffice, but this outlet makes it feel more real.  It is also an outlet that I often find myself in need of.

Now that Facebook has stopped automatic updates to my notes section when I post an entry, I haven't decided if I manually want to update my Facebook with my blog entries or keep this separate.  Before, the update was automatic, so even if I drafted something I felt was too personal for FB, it posted it on its own anyway, so I didn't think much about it.  My last few entries I haven't posted to FB, so keeping this separate is probably what I will do, even though less people will get to see it.  The technicalities aside, I'm still thinking about it.

I kind of jumped the gun and made my previous entry my year in review entry, so I'll focus more on my holiday season.  I got off of work for Christmas on Friday the 23rd and went home to the Valley to visit my family.  My brother Abram couldn't make it because he went to spend Christmas with his fiance's family in Dallas.  The idea of our family Christmas one day branching off into separate family Christmases is still hard to imagine, but that is the way of things.  For now, we will all still gather together at my parents house.

I took my dogs with me on my trip and they behaved great except for the part where they covered my car in mud.  It was raining during the trip and I wanted to make sure they got a chance to use the restroom when I stopped, but I had trouble controlling two wet dogs.  I saw my cat Maddie at my mom's house and she had grown so much bigger during this past year.  It was good to see and visit with my family during the break.  I usually make an effort to visit friends and try to hang out while I am down, but I was down for such a short period of time, that I didn't get to.  That is starting to happen more often than not and is something I need to work on.

Christmas was generally very nice. Nothing out of the ordinary. The family got together and opened presents and the kids had their fun.  The siblings did a gift exchange which worked great.  I got to visit more with all my nieces and nephews, though we had all spent Thanksgiving together so a lot of time hadn't passed.  I tried to engage them in a discussion on agnosticism, but other than really frustrating my mom, I don't think I made much headway.  You would think that, "I don't know" would be an easy framework to approach such lofty issues. That part was fun.  Here are some photos from the trip I took with my new camera that I bought for myself for Christmas. http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157628611181755/  There is this one video I took of my niece Celeste singing that really made my Christmas.

I had to come back to Austin on the 26th for work and ended up working during the week that I had scheduled to be off.  I was able to take a half day on my birthday, the 27th, but did go to work for the first time in my life on that day.  My birthday didn't really feel much like a birthday, my brother came over, we had a beer and I spent the rest of my time with my thoughts instead of out with my friends.  It was what I needed this year I think.

I was pleasantly overwhelmed by the people that wished me happy birthday, especially on Facebook.  I know it can be a facebook reflex at times, but it meant a lot to me and really made my day to know that even for that small time that I was thought of.  Time is one of those things where no matter how hard you try to hold on to it, it always feels like it is slipping away.

When I moved down from DC in 2007, I stored a lot of boxes at my mom's house and now that I have my own house, I tried to bring back as much stuff as I could.  I collect a lot of things and some of the boxes I call my "boxes of memories."  I'm talking about every movie ticket stub from ever date I went on in high school, college photos and books, old letters, cards, pictures and stuffed animals I was given as gifts. One day I plan to go through them and throw out most of the clutter in those boxes, but I sometimes have the problem of revisiting old memories with longing and sometimes it is easier not to think about them.

A lot of things have changed this year and the true test is how I come out on the other side.  I'm writing this on New Year's Eve and even though I usually try to do something big for New Years, this year, I decided not to temp fate by being out on the roads and instead spent it reflecting on my year and thinking about what my goals are going to be for the following year.  I know this wasn't exciting or entirely upbeat, but sometimes life isn't always upbeat.  Nevertheless, it doesn't change my eternal optimism to have a great and wonderful 2012.  I think a lot of great things are in store.

what do I want?

A Tale of Two Years

"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them." – Unknown

I've purposefully shied away from posting entries these past few months for a variety of personal reasons that stemmed, for the most part, from not knowing what to say.  As this is one of my last entries of the year, it probably makes sense to take stock of the year in review. This year has proven to be both an epic year of accomplishment while at the same time, a year of trials and tribulations. The latter half of the year has been vastly different than the first part of the year, to the point where I even feel like a different person.  Sometimes in life things are just out of your control and I have never accepted that kindly.  It is hard to just wait and see how external factors are going to affect the trajectory of your life.

Let me start with the first half of 2011.  The year started off just like one would hope a new year would start.  I became more healthy, started to run more and I made an sustained effort to spend more time with friends. I had friends move to town and I spent a lot of time focusing on my goal of getting into my first home.  When I met that goal, I was very proud and very happy.  I got a lot more of my fiances in order and really hit my stride at work. I may have yet to meet the right person romantically, but I had my share of good dates and really enjoyed myself.  I rediscovered old passions, tried some new things and really tested my belief system.  I even made new friends, caught up with old friends and I finally got to visit San Diego for the first time, which proved to be as great as I had hoped.  I also picked up sailing, got a new tv and generally felt optimistic.

Now it isn't as black and white as the first part/second part of the year, but there were things in the latter part of the year that started to act like body punches or setbacks whose sheer number started to affect me.  I ran into some problems with a few good friends which made me think I might better cope by taking some time to myself.  I dealt with the poignant news of at least three people I have formerly dated getting married, in which your rational genuine best wishes run into your irrational emotional aches. Then you throw on top of that difficult and selfish decisions that although I don't regret them, I have no excuse for. As the year wore on, I became comparatively less social and regressed to my former less-than-healthy habits and paid their toll.  There were other struggles with more complex layers that I won't go into, but I'll leave this note as a reminder to myself of them. It just felt like the trajectory changed and I was too busy experiencing the problems than trying to pick myself up and rebuild.  Life is by no means gloomy, but compared to the great start of the year, it was starting to feel like an uphill battle.  I don't like that I just retreated into my routine. Then you start dealing with the bigger questions like love and kids and I worry that I might be too selfish to want to start a family one day.  Maybe it is all the weddings I've been to and interacting with my friends and cousins who are now parents.  I have a lot of inventory I need to take.

So, as the year comes to a close and I'm about to be one year older and celebrate another birthday, I feel like a boxer barely standing dazed listening to standing 8 count. Either I'm going to get back in and fight through the cobwebs making a dramatic comeback or I'm about to get knocked out by what is probably not that impressive of a punch.  I'm at about count 6 right now and I feel like the waning days of the year are my last two counts before I must get back in the ring.

Now I recognize the melodramatic-ness of painting a year--which I admit has been full of blessings--as ending on such a melancholy note, but the stark contrast from the beginning to now is what highlights things for me.  I'm usually so much more positive and optimistic and come armed with a plan, goals and efforts on being a better person going forward, but right now, I'm still in the taking it in and trying to figure it out stage.  At least I have passed the trying not to think about it stage.

There is something inspiring about the thought that today, the winter solstice, is the darkest day of the year and from this day on out it just gets brighter.  But now as the new year approaches, I have a lot to look forward to and I am genuinely excited.  My brother and two good friends are getting married to wonderful women.  I have a trip planned to Puerto Rico in the spring, and I know that I've learned some important lessons this year.   I'm starting to feel more free to embrace being agnostic while not fully giving up the irrational belief that everything is always going to work out.  Though it has made me less patient when I so often get the lazy advice that God has a plan or will take care of everything, I don't discount the well intention. I feel confident that no matter what theology one judges me under, that the way I live my life is just as noble. I am looking forward to Christmas not for any religious meaning, nor the pagan traditions of trees and wreaths, or even for the commercialized need for shopping, Santa, elves, snowman stories or Christmas music, but for a time I get to spend with family. It is probably just what I needed.  I wish everyone a Happy Holidays.

birthday