On the Beach

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

Today is my brother Abram's birthday. Too bad he is away on vacation or else we would get to celebrate it here in town. I hope he has a good one and I'm sure we will celebrate once he is back.

Wednesday night I set up a salsa outing. I invited Oscar, our seasoned pro and Laura, a quick learning amateur to be my dance partner. Usually I enjoy just going out, listening to the Spanish music and chatting people up while my friends work the dance floor. But this day I decided I'd do the free lessons since Laura came. I think we did pretty good and it was actually somewhat fun. Oscar showed Laura how to do it the right way and the night was very fun. They danced very well together. There was this group that I have seen there every time I go, so I went over to talk to them for a while finding out if they were studio taught or self taught. Oscar's call was dead on, with there being studio lessons 4 years ago and the rest self taught. They were pretty amazing, but it did make sense when she told me that for a while that was all she was doing. The next morning I did pay for it I have to admit since I had my usual Maker's Marks. The two bar tenders I know were pretty busy, but the one who is friends with my brother wasn't too helpful when I asked her about the salsa night.

Well the Spurs are out of the playoffs. A last minute decision to root for the Celtics made the loss easier for me to handle, but it still sucks. I had planned to watch the game, but to be honest, I fell asleep right before it started, my dvr recorded it and it was on and when I woke up it was to the commentators discussing the loss. It was still a good playoffs and at least now I'll pay attention to who wins.

You have to watch this Daily Show clip: Matt Taibbi discusses his favorite moments as a member of John Hagee's church and a 9/11 conspiracy group. I want to learn how to throw up demons too.

Cynthia sent me an email forward (but with the forward part deleted, go Cynthia) with this picture and caption among many.

"You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay."

I need to do some finance complaining since today is payday and I can't enjoy it that way I want to. So each month I have $500 I owe to pay a personal debt, $320 for a settlement debt, $450 for rent (true a deal) and $350 for my truck. So before even starting to pay all my bills and expenses I have a for sure $1620 off the top cut. I don't make much money and clear about $1500 each two weeks. This is pretty much the fixed expense outlook for the rest of the year and I'm not including regular bills, student loans (whole other story), insurance, food, gas and those mounting credit cards. I guess everything is pretty normal except the $500 plus $320 extra bills that hurt each month, but that I'm going to pay. So I'm here trying to figure out a plan to be responsible and save. I try to figure out the plan pretending I don't have a spending problem, but even if that all stopped, I'm still playing catch up. I think an extra 20 grand infusion would help me get close to about even on a lot, but I'd still be a good 100 grand away from being debt free. Here is to figuring out a plan to make 20 grand and not want to keep it to but other things. Don't see myself wanting to marry a chick when I don't have a house and can't put the 10 grand or so it would cost for a ring that a commitment to me would be symbolized by.

Now, I'm not poor by any standard, I live such the good life with way too much excess and don't deny myself any of the materialistic pleasures I covet. There is always money for food and well I'm pretty damn blessed, but this is a good example of how if you are not responsible with making $10,000 a year, with a million dollars a year your debts will be just that much bigger and you'll be in the same boat no matter how much you make. That is clearly me. But this is like a fat person saying, ok I'm fat and I know why, but fixing it will take so long and damn that ice cream is good. Maybe the key if finding a financial diet I can stick to, or moving the responsiblity from the external lack of a diet to my internal decision making process that makes these impluse decisions. So don't feel sorry for me, learn from me, cause I'm trying to learn from me, but I don't think I have figured out the lesson yet.

Now will this keep me from the new iphone when it comes out, of course not. Will this keep me from wanting a nice car that is better on gas or from wanting to take trips to Cali, DC or Vegas? I'm so past the shame part, not the stress part though.

That all said, here are the things I want that I'm going to put off. A bistro table set for my balcony. I want to be able to go out there and read and relax. A bench for the front porch. A wooden table for the backyard. A lawnmower. The big things like the backyard jacuzzi I'll try to keep at bay too.

The lemon ones are so much better than the lime ones

Enjoy Sister

"The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children." - King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)

Today would be my sister Veronica's birthday. She would be turning 35 years old. Happy birthday Vero. I have very little memory of her birthdays. The last one I would be around for would of been in 1998 and I'm sure my mind was so consumed with graduation from high school that the memory of what we didn't isn't coming back. It was a date I always remembered, which wasn't hard due to the proximity to Abram's birthday. At least I know she will be celebrating this one with our grandfather.

My niece, Vero's daughter Bekkah was in Austin this weekend for a band competition with her school. I didn't get to see her, but she told me they got a 2, which she felt was good considering that they were competing with some of the best schools in the state. Cynthia had schooled me on the 1/2/3 rankings years back, so I felt like I somewhat got it. I hope she gets to visit this summer so that I can show her the UT campus and Texas State so that she can have an idea of what it would be like to go to college on her own.

Here is a funny story. It begins with a young man probably up late watching tv infomericals. I'm assuming he might of felt his single status could be helped if only he purchased the male enhancement herbal pills offerred on tv. So discretely he calls or goes online and makes his secret purchase. Unfortunately something goes wrong and his apartment number isn't listed on the unmarked package and instead it is sent to the apartment of a friend of mine. She doesn't even look at the name since it was in her box and opens it. Quickly understanding that it was not her that ordered these "magic" pills, she decides to look at the name the box. (I wonder if the thought crossed her mind that it may be her boyfriend's name on the box, which would make for a funnier or more interesting story.) She notices it is not her name, but the name of her neighbor. Now had it been me, I would of put the box outside his door, rang the bell and rang, maybe with a small note saying, the package was delivered to me by accident. Instead, her and her girlfriend both go over to his place with the box in hand to deliver his "male enhancement pills" to him. The guy quickly gets what happens, looks down to the floor, pulls the box in, I'm guessing with some shame. Personally, I think it was mean to deliver the package when you know getting it from a girl would be embarrassing for him. I wonder if he will order refills, and I hate to say, wonder how he will go about checking if they actually work. The moral of the story, be happy with who you are or your neighbors will find out you have small penis issues.

So a high school friend of mine who has been practicing law for some time just started up his own law firm north of Austin. I think that is really amazing. I don't think I would even think of doing something like that until I had many many years of experience in how to run an office, get clients and how to handle all types of legal issues. Impressive.

So I'm all alone this week. Rino and Jess took off for South Padre with some friends and Abram leaves today to go to another beach. Maybe it will give me some time to set things up just the way I want them. I'm staying home taking care of 4 dogs and 2 cats (ok ok 3 of those of mine.)

This past week, my cousin Adam proposed to his girlfriend Kirby in Hawaii. She said yes and they are now on the engagement track. I called him up to offer my congratulations. He is going to be the first boy cousin in our age group to get married. There are only about 6 of us though. I'm excited for him and am sure everyone is too.

why does she care to read and why doesn't she

A lot of Memorials

"A writer expresses himself in words that have been used before because they give his meaning better than he can give it himself, or because they are beautiful or witty, or because he expects them to touch a chord of association in his reader, or because he wishes to show that he is learned and well read. Quotations due to the last motive are invariably ill-advised; the discerning reader detects it and is contemptuous; the undiscerning is perhaps impressed, but even then is at the same time repelled, pretentious quotations being the surest road to tedium." - Henry Watson Fowler (1858-1933) and Francis George Fowler (1870-1918) A Dictionary of Modern English Usage, 1926

Here it is, Memorial Day. It is much bigger day in comparison in DC. There were no BBQs for me, but I still made the most of it.

Now Saturday night instead of hitting the bars and helping make random girls nights that much better, I stayed home trying to figure everything out. Maybe if I didn't think so much. I put on the movie Music and Lyrics on that I had sitting there unwatched for months as the background theme of just enough cheesy to organize the latest boxes I brought from home and working on my "memory box." I actually got the idea from my sister Ana when she told me that she was going to send me a graduation program for my "memory box." She meant it in a joking way. I don't have one and considering I have a lot of things scattered about, it was probably a good idea to keep them all together. I need a cooler name though, "box of old crap." Well I'll work on it.

Getting a box wasn't the hard part, but figuring what to put in it and what to throw away was somewhat hard. Mainly I put in letters from family, friends and past girlfriends (more from some than others). In there I also included programs from important events. Going through card after card from years back, it is sometimes hard not to read the words. It felt at times like I was reading them for the first time. The more heartfelt, thoughtful and loving they were, the harder it made to read some of them. It made me think, why did I even open the envelope and look past the name. There are probably many examples of cards that really struck a chord, but here was the first one I pulled out as an example.

It was card I got while I was in Miami. One of those left behind when a person leaves from a trip. The generic card text read, Gracias ...por todo lo que has hech, por todo lo que has compartido. The handwriting had, "Marty - I had a wonderful time and it was great remembering everything that I missed about you. I love you and will miss you every day until we are together again! Love **" Maybe it was the context more than the words that got me thinking. I quickly put it away and as I opened the next card to see where it went, a small paper fell out. This card was one was another one I got while I was in my first year of law school, but from a different person. Here is an exceprt. "Anyways, as you can see, I'll be in Miami on Wednesday, March 2nd if you'd like a guest. :) You can give me my V-day kiss then... **" Included was an itinerary with a highlighted arrival time.

Finally, the third envelope I pulled out was a hand written letter from my grandfather. I think it was a reply to the letter I had sent him. This meant the most to me. I did my best to read it, but it was hard since his hand writing wasn't too great in his early 90s and my spanish still isn't where it needs to be. But there were important parts I had not trouble reading.

I also saw the movie Into the Wild. A friend had recommend it a while back, but it too went unwatched. I liked the movie, but man I have a lot of commentary, so I'll share that with you when you ask me.

Monday I had lunch with Rino and Jess in downtown Buda. I picked up a local paper and on the cover was pictures of 4 youths who were just caught for a string of break ins in Buda subdivisions. They were connected to at least 20 and that is in a town of about 5000. I think I'm one of them. I'm going to do some follow up work to see what happens here.

Rick was in town. His girlfriend Kate is going to be living in Austin for a few months and I met up with them for a drink on Monday. We were north of West Campus and Rick's other friend Helena joined us. The place Kate is staying at really rocks...talk about a great deal. There was this really cool Zen garden type thing in the back that made me wonder if I had one if I would use it. We had dinner at the Flying Sauser where they have all types of beer. I had never been there before and really liked the place.

Trying to save money I've been on the look out for deals. So I had purchased a bedroom set from a moving college student a while back and had been looking for the nightstand. I found the matching one and it cost $279. That was ridiculous and out of my price range. I did some research and found a smaller version that fit my set better for $179. I went in today to take a look at it and instead bought a gift certificate for $100 and got a bonus $100 certificate free, but I can't use them until June. I'm a patient man. So now I'm going to get that nighstand for $100. Go me. Assuming all goes to plan. Shopping does make me feel better.

It is nice and comfortable on the ground rolled up in a ball, but it is still pitiful

More Like Myself

"And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes." - Mike, Swingers (1996)

So the plan was drive down to the valley this weekend for my nephew Andrew's graduation party. We are all very proud of him and I hope he gets enrolled in college so that all that is taken care of. Considering my many trips home already and the Republican skyrocketing price of gas, I instead am donating my gas money to buy him a special gift instead of going down. I'm sure he will enjoy it much more. I've been a home a lot recently and somehow I feel that staying away for a while is what is best for me.

I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend, but as of right now, I don't have any concrete plans. I haven't really been in the mood to be adventurous and outgoing as of late, but I need to get on that. I'm sure something involving the outdoors and beer will help me get my mind off of things. Holidays are few are far apart and since I'm not a teacher or student who gets summers off, that one extra day in a weekend means the world to me.

So I purchased a lot of corn dogs a while back. They went uneaten, so now I've started on them. I forgot how much I like them. It is true that scents and tastes bring back memories. You know what I could really go for? A cheesecake from Cap Grill.

During lunch I run errands from time to time and every time I enter a walmart, target or heb I run into the young housewife with kid/kids in tow. I assume they are housewives because they are not at work and their kids are a bit older. They tend to wear that jumpsuit type outfit or something pretty casual. I wonder how I would feel about my wife staying at home...or how she would feel? I mean, isn't there a career on hold or waiting? Most seem pretty young, a lot younger than me, which kind of throws you off because you assume they are older since they have families and all, but nope, you're the one that is older. I wonder when the single working moms shop.

Other than Memorial Day, we have some other days coming up. Vero's birthday is on the 28th. I still have yet to figure out how exactly to celebrate her birthday, but I make it a point to think about her and wonder how old she would be turning today. Then Abram's birthday is on the 30th. He will be out of town so we don't have any big plans. Any other things worth celebrating this month have already passed.

So in my year here in Austin, I have not built a solid group of friends. I think what really keeps me from doing it is one, I worry that if I do make a good group of friends, I won't be able to keep good touch, secondly, I've always been so picky with who I'm friends with. Sometimes you just need somebody you can meet up with after work for a drink and share your problems, your plans and generally have a good time. It seems like all the people I truly trust either live in DC, the Valley, Cali or NY. Maybe I notice these things more when I'm in one of those states where I feel like I need people more.

I saw the season finale of Grey's last night. It was unremarkably good and for some reason really moving last night. There were moments like when he said, "its just a bad patch, I have done this before...and I'm older now and know what I'm doing." Then that scene with the candles was the highlight. All my shows are ending again, I forgot summer is not very fun TV wise.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Not wanting to midnight call any of my friends I decided to go and spend some quality time with the dogs. I just hung out with Max, laying there staring at the sky wanting to think about what came over me, but just clearing my mind and enjoying the night. It did help I think.

I am not a fan of medical problems, but here is one I can't get my mind around. I've been feeling really sick at work. I fainted/ almost fainted again yesterday. What could be causing this? The feeling is terrible and worries me because I've never had it before in my life. Here are my theories. First is that it was the Ionic Breeze ozone I had in my office, but I had one of those at home and I was fine. I got rid of it and the headaches persist. I turned off all air filters, but still the same. There is another one, but on the other side of the office. Maybe it is the cigar smoke, but why would it be getting worse now? Maybe something is wrong with me, I'm under more stress, but I don't feel this way at home. I need to figure this out soon.

So I'm glad that McCain finally got rid of Hagee, the endorsement he solicited and accepted. This man first made me upset when I read his book deception point which my mother had. I always worry that she reads words of hate hidden under the guise of being Christian. The funny point was that his book was about how the Clintons were so evil because they would LIE to us (you know, whitewater and about their personal sex lives.) This of course meant it was the end of days, but its more than 1o years later and no rapture. This was years before we got the Bush administration that moved beyond pissing on us and calling it rain, they piss on us and tell us we just have to deal with it. They took lying to a whole new level, a level that makes Hagee's arguments about the Clintons seem even that much more ridiculous. This man is the type of person that makes me wish that real Christian's would stop following these idiots so that they don't have to think. Oh I can read scripture and then add a story to it and tell it with some disingenuous emotion...wow I'm a cult leader I mean preacher.
Watch this video where he talks about Hilter and Jews. - Hagee: Hitler Was Fulfilling God’s Will - "Why did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen."

Of course, this should all be outside of the political discussion just like the Wright issue, but I bring it up to talk about Hagee and not McCain. To be fair Jon Stewart did warn McCain. Jon Stewart Warned McCain About “Crazy Base World”

it only feels like you are being ignored when you want to talk to them

In a Perfect World

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great." - Mark Twain

Getting life turned around isn't always so easy. You feel like every time you try, it ends up just blowing up in your face. So I beat this sickness and bam, I'm sick again and can't figure out why. I notice my eyes burning and think maybe it's some sort of side effect of my new air purifier. Well, what it is, is a terribly high pollen count making my allergies go crazy. My eyes are sore red and all the things on my agenda are not getting done. The last time I remember feeling this bad was on a trip to DC from Florida. Once I got there, I ended up just trying to sleep off the attack making the trip somewhat useless. I hate that feeling and more so the sleepy feeling I get from taking all the medications.

I'll be done with the self loathing in a bit, at least I hope. So I had a doctor's appointment Monday, but I didn't remember until I was eating breakfast in my car, so I had to reschedule due to my forgetting to fast. I've also decided to stop taking any medications I've been on. I'm ok with taking medicine when I'm sick, but as a daily thing, I'd rather not. I don't think my doctor will approve, nor probably will my body, but it is worth a try. I am worried a bit about the heart medication, but not too much. It is hard to know how much is mental and how much is the fact that I'm not taking medicine.

Oh, how I forget, I broke my eye glasses last week. This means I'm wearing my old glasses and still need to get an appointment for contacts as well. My computer broke too, I turned it off during an update and now it won't load. There is hope, but I have to wait until I go home and pick up my Vista cd to see if I can repair it. -- It worked, thank goodness for my mad computer skills because that would of been scary.

Here is a thought that has gone through my head recently. Imagine a perfect world, where I could pick my perfect outcome. Now if I could choose to be with anyone I wanted to from my past, would I? I wanted to see how much idealizing of people or my past I have done. I thought about this for sometime and in the end I came up with the conclusion that I'd rather be where I am right now. Not as much because that is the feel good thing to say, but because I think there is more out there. Now, I feel like I have dated some really great people, people I admired and cared deeply for, but to stand here and say definitively that anyone was the one and that I would know I would be truly happy with now, would be hard. Now with that said, I can think of at least two people I would of been willing to take the chance to find out. It makes me feel like going forward, I shouldn't be with anyone who I don't care for more than, or who cares for me more than the standard that has been set. It is a high standard I think, which means I need to be extra careful with my decisions. Then there is the theory that you can't truly be content until you find that peace within yourself. Does that mean that once I'm self actualized that it won't matter who I pursue a relationship with because I was the only thing standing in my way? I'd like to hope that they is something special out there that I'm looking for in addition to the whole inner understanding thing.

My mind is very foggy right now, no doubt the allergy meds, but how much of it is just my recent detachment from the world? As I was walking up my stairs yesterday I had this weird feeling, like that my life has lost its excitement. I mean in the sense that there are no adventures, no huge changes or moves to distract me. I work now and this is where I'm at. I thought about why I have felt like I have not has much to talk about about, but a large reason has to be that I haven't done much worthy of talk. I guess it is time to get ready.

The Spurs won Monday night in a pretty exciting game. I love watching the games in HD upstairs on my couches. Lakers here we come.

Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment. I had thought they were going to take blood, so I fasted, but I guess the appointment was just to do a medications check, which is easy when you stopped taking everything. The good news is that my doctor was good with my stopping of medicines, including my heart medication. He even checked out my toe which was worried about, but nope, it was just that I stubbed it and it had yet to heal that caused that black spot in the nail. It was a good appointment.

After I went to get a contacts exam and my glasses fixed. They have been really great to me there. I didn't have to pay for an entire exam and instead just paid for the contacts part, then when the screw broke inside my glasses when trying to fix them, they just sent for a new frame instead. I guess that is why I came back.

It feels good having contacts again. I forgot how nice it feels to not have to wear glasses. As I was driving home I was able to use my sunglasses which felt great even though it was ironically a pair of glasses.

I tried to be productive and using my craigslist addiction, I was able to get two dog houses for ten bucks. It did take some driving around town loading them up all alone, but I got them them. Our dog problems are still far from over.

In politics, I'm fully in the Obama camp and am wondering what Clinton's cool plan is? I mean I thought maybe she had something creative going on, but now I'm starting to think that she might actually mean it when she says she is going for the win, something she can't do unless the will of the people is overturned. This is coming from a guy that things she is great, would be a great president and who voted for her, but why not just let Obama get on with it....unless there is some cool plan that I and most pundits do not understand.

I used to have a parrot:
Lost parrot tells veterinarian his name, address

no one to tell me I can't, but me

A Time of Need

Grey: "Of course she did, because that is where love exists, in delusional fantasies. Real love isn't like that."
Shepard: "Good to know."
- Grey's Anatomy quotes

Shepard: "Was I happy when I was with her?"
Sloan: "Off and on."
Shepard: "I think I idealize it. I mean, you wouldn't hang on to a woman whose is unavailable and predictable?"

- Grey's Anatomy quotes



It has been quite the week. I'm back and coming off this terrible sickness that really kept me away from most of the world. It sucks because Abram caught it and I'm sure others did too while I was at home. So far including my father and grandmother. At least my transition back into the real world starts on a Friday which means I'll have the weekend to get things in order.

There should be a lot more to talk about, but I'm not much in a chatty mood as of late. The weekend involved me going to play poker at a game I was invited to. It was a 30 dollar buy in tournament. First time I've played a tournament instead of a cash game at a home game. There were about 2o people and you could rebuy until 1015pm. I was proud of my game that night even though I was knocked out about an hour and and had to rebuy another 30 bucks. Come 1015pm, the combined pot was up to about a grand. I made it to the final four at about 215am and was second in chips. Everyone at this game was a good player, most even play in high stakes games usually, but I was happy to see that my game was on par or better than most. My sit and go skills were useful, but people wondered why I was going all in so much near the end. We decided to go for a chop and I left with 225 bucks (minus the 60 I put in). We didn't play it out to see who would win, but I was sure it would be between me and this other young guy who had a commanding chip lead. I double through and we would probably be even in chips. It felt good.

I ran errands on the weekend and picked up some weights I had purchased. Then while I was updating my computer, I accidentally turned it off, so now it won't start. I'm going to try not to worry and just wait until I can get my vista cd and see what I can do. I hate not having a computer. Wish me luck.

I saw the movie the reaping. I had rented it a while back to watch upon request actually, but the person who requested it ended up watching it on their own. I let it sit there for quite some time until I watched it this weekend. Something is missing from my memory here, but I guess it doesn't matter.

tired of being disappointed

Fierro

"Things do not change; we change." - Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1970)

I've just returned from my grandfathers funeral. Unfortunately I got sick the night before and was sick with a flu until today where I'm starting to recover. This means I experienced the entire thing from more of a detached internal perspective, almost covered in a fog. I won't get into the family dynamics, but it became clear that resentment can be strong, even after many years. Some family members didn't show up, with schedule conflicts of course, but I can't see a more important time to be there. It seems more like something you just make happen.

When I arrived at the funeral home, I got my pall bearer flower and then went to see my grandfather. It was an open casket. I've seen a person in a casket before, but never a person I loved. I did not visit my sister's casket until it had been closed for personal reasons. He was laying there and the suffering and pain I would see when visiting him in the nursing home was gone. But he was also gone. It was like he was not there, very different from when he was asleep. I touched his hand looking for a familiar feeling, but it too was different. That is where it started to sink in that he was truly gone.

My grandmother was strong, but I could only imagine what was going through her mind considering how much her world was about to change. Lifting to casket to the hearse we went to the church. The mass was in Spanish and given by a Deacon who knew my grandfather personally. He even told stories about him, which made the mass more personal. Some family members went up to read some passages, but it would of been nice had I been invited to do the same.

At the cemetery my aunt, grandmother and my uncle who was his son sat in the front. I stood in the back and watched as the Deacon took off his frock and sang a song for my grandfather. Then his provider, a woman who I have come to love like family, shared a poem about how she felt about him. She was crying because she lost her Don Jose and was also now losing my grandmother. Nobody other than my grandmother spent more time with him than Carmen did and the fact that she was able to see the love and redemption of the man who was my role model made me truly feel for her. I went up and said my final goodbyes.


My aunt, his daughter was sad too, but she seemed separate from everyone, almost like making the clear distinction that this was my father and not yours, a feeling that maybe the respect her siblings gave to that might of made her feel alone in her grief. I did not feel like it was a funeral for us, but for his blood family who seemed to make the distinction subtly acute. As a child I would not have noticed this dynamic. I had words I had wanted to share, had wanted to say, but I forgot the paper when I left because I was busy looking for medicine. I still knew them by heart, but did not speak up because this moment was not for me, I had said my goodbyes already and those words I had already shared with him in life.


Now they are taking my grandmother away from me. This of course is a very juvenile way of looking at it, but it is how I feel. It is like they treated his passing as hers and packed her up and moved her to Ft. Worth. This I do not agree with and do think my grandmother would be better off living with my mother near the place she has spent most of her life, but she agreed to the move and I'll respect that. Watching them pack up her place made me feel sick. I was shown a box with my grandfather's personal affects in it to choose something to remember him. There was nothing in the box, but unworn clothes, nothing at all memorable. I then asked if I could have his cane. It had been claimed already, but I made my veto and took the one thing that made me feel was a part of him. Then I think things got out of hand, probably confused with the packing and well I didn't like it.

My cousin, brother and I went back to the old grandparents house where I grew up that has been abandoned for years, just to visit the memories. We opened the door and as we walked down the concrete and inside the abandoned home, we saw memory after memory as we talked from room to room. The hoods had gotten to the place with their tagging on the inside, but it could of been years ago. I can tell you though, it did anger me. The house was much much smaller than I remembered. How did we all fit? I walked into a room we spent hours upon hours in and never once noticed how very small it was. I think my current bathroom might be bigger. The house was slanted because of the blocks the foundation was on. There was even a wall that wasn't level, but from looking at it, it had always been that way. I had never noticed that ever. We found some old books, a painting and a paper towel holder to keep for memories. I'm sure anything of value was previously looted. We then went to see the caurtito where I used to sleep and once hit my head really hard on the bed. As I gripped my head in pain my grandfather would laugh and jokingly get mad at me for breaking his head. I would cry back, "break the bed, I almost broke my head." I didn't know at the time he was just distracting me from focusing on the pain and trying to liven up my spirits with a good joke. One he told me for years to come, including many times in the nursing home. The doorway was too low to walk in straight, almost like the place was made for small people. I guess when you build your own structures, you can build them to fit your height. Why was it all so magnified in the past?

We then hit the backyard where we looked at the tree where the tree house had been, the rope Abram climbed up again for one last time. Talked about the double layered fencing and the area where the cans had been. It was then time to leave and we closed the gate to what was my 2nd childhood home.

When I went home, the sickness keeping my mind and emotions still somewhat separate, I drank with my sister, cousin and brother. It is one of those cases where you drink to remember and drink to forget.

Sometimes only you can be there for yourself

Abuelito

"The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children. It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone. It is in us that their history becomes a future." ~Charles and Ann Morse

"A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world." ~Charles and Ann Morse

"I loved their home. Everything smelled older, worn but safe; the food aroma had baked itself into the furniture." ~Susan Strasberg

"Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers." ~Lewis Mumford

Friday, a little before 9pm I got a phone call from my sister I knew had to come. My grandfather has just passed away. He was 97 years old and one of the strongest men I have ever known. It has been pretty hard, especially dealing with the complex feelings I'm having. He was in a nursing home and I would do my best to visit him whenever I was home. At first it was a temporary thing, a place to recover after getting sick. It became more permanent. When he first had to go in it looked like he would pass away, but he was strong and fought back. I really cherished being able to visit him and talk to him while he was alive. What meant most was that he would recognize me most of the time and still tell me stories. As time passed, you could tell he was fading away mentally, but there were still special moments of lucidity. Then he took a turn for the worst and each time I would visit him he was pretty much just in bed in what I'll call sleep. It was in those moments I was able to say goodbye, able to thank him once again for his love. I knew it was coming, I knew that this is the way it is supposed to be, you live a full life and then you move on to be with the Lord. He wasn't abruptly taken from our lives, but taken nevertheless and the sadness still hurts. Part of me is happy for him, happy he is no longer in the pain he had to endure for years, but the selfish part of me just can't let go.

My grandmother is the person I'm worrying about the most, but she has been so very strong. I still admire how she would go and visit him every single day for years. I wonder if I'll ever have a person that loves me that much, that spends each day with me even though I would never know they were there. She has a lot of support.

I have so much on my mind and in my heart right now. So much more than I can say. These feelings made me remember how when I was in college I wrote a letter to my grandparents sharing with them how much I loved them and what they meant to me. Shared is the letter below. I'll end with that. There is still so much more unsaid.

Letter to my
Grandparents - March 12, 2001

Dear Martina and Jose Lira,

Grandma and Grandpa. I am writing you this letter in English, but
I am going to have it translated into Spanish as well. I hope you
have someone read it out loud to you so that you can hear every
word of what I have to say. I'm been in college 3 years now and I
never felt comfortable writing you because I didn't feel like I
could express myself in a clear way. Either I would write a
really complicated English letter, or a really bad Spanish letter.
Instead I decided to try this letter, and I hope every word comes
across as I wanted it to. I don't even know where to start. I
love you both. I have always wondered if you understood that. I
don't love you because I feel I have to, but for the fact that
you two are the only two people in the world I feel I have
unconditional love from. I feel so separated from the world, but
with you I always felt so at home, so loved, so cared for.

As a child, I was blessed to have pleasure of growing up under
your supervision, and that has made all the difference. Everyone
saw me as spoiled, but all that you did for me made me the person
that I am today. I wanted to for you, wanted to do great things
just to make you proud, to make all your sacrifices not be in
vain. My values were instilled in me by you, the way I looked at
life, and the way I looked at love.

I look back towards growing up and I have so many wonderful
memories, all in my "casa de tablas" I'll never forget
crushing cans and watching grandpa make money from scrap metal
and aluminum. I think that is where I got my craving for business
and making money. As children we made wooden swords and played in
the dirt outside, climbed trees, rode bikes, picked peaches,
burned things we shouldn't be burning. I don't remember being so
happy. I remember eating tortillas con mantequilla and frijoles
and eggs, lots of eggs. I fell in love with nutty buddies that
grandpa would bring from the store on his bike. I remember
sleeping as a child and the 'cuentitos' that you would tell me.
About the bunny, about the wolf and so many that made me so happy
to hear. I remember hitting my head on the bed so hard, and
grandpa getting mad at me playfully about breaking the bed and
how I told you I had broken my head. How when you asked for
kisses I would say "cabo, cabo". You always made me
feel so loved, so cared for, like there was no way that I could
be wrong in your eyes. I felt special, and to feel special in
one's life isn't very common. I idolized both of you, for
everything you had done to be where you were, where you got our
family.

I understand that you two are both people, with faults of your
own, but to me you are the two most perfect people I know. I
don't think I loved anyone more. You two will always be my role
models, my inspiration.

I am ashamed that as I grew up that I lost my language, my
connection to you. I could no longer share with you what I was
feeling or what I was thinking as easily as I could before. My
love never faltered, but my power to express it did. That is my
only regret.

You instilled in me a value for education and hard work. I didn't
want to become successful so that I wouldn't be like you as you
would tell us, but successful so that I could fulfill your dream
for a better life, be the product which you formed. My life is a
tribute to yours, all your struggles, all your hardship and most
importantly all your love.

All the money in the world could not buy me the love that I
received from you. I don't think I ever really knew how to tell
you that you meant so much to me. I never felt like I deserved
your love, but the well never ran dry. Even today I feel just as
loved and sometimes I wish I was a child again, playing at your
house, sleeping in your bed, eating your food, and being there
for your embrace.

I'm here in college, I have a year to go and it feels harder
every year. This isn't easy for me being so far away from
everyone I love, everything I know, all alone on my own trying to
make that better life that you wanted for me. I had to dream big,
you made me feel like I could do anything, be anybody and here I
am following that dream. I only accept the best because that is
what you gave me. I am here to make you proud, to make my family
proud, to make myself proud. I know you would support me in
anything I do, so I am out here in selfish holding on to
your love not knowing what I wouthe world doing it, knowing
that even though I'm far from home, that your love is still there
waiting for me when I return. I feel sold do without you. In my heart, I
know I will never lose you, and I cherish every moment that we
have together. I cherish your advice, your stories, your history,
you as people.

I have made a lot of great friends up here in New York, people I
care about and enjoy spending time with. They have helped me
appreciate where I came from, who I am and helped me see the
importance of family. I do miss you very much and can't wait to
see you, and one day I promise I will raise my children with
everything you have taught me. Thank you for not forgetting about
me and for calling whenever you can. I hope I have been the
grandson that you wanted me to be when you held me in your arms.

Love always,

Martin "Martincito" Alaniz

Queridos Martina y José Lira,

Abuelita y abuelito. Les escribo esta carta en ingles, pero voy a
pedir que alguien la traduzca al español también. Espero que se
la lean en voz alta para que puedan oír todo lo que les tengo
que decir. Llevo tres años aquí en la universidad y nunca me
sentí lo suficientemente cómodo como para escribirles, pensando
que no me iba a poder expresar claramente. Pensé que escribiría
una carta demasiado complicada en ingles o una muy mala en español.
En vez, decidí tratar esta carta y espero que entiendan el
significado que quise darle a cada palabra. No se ni por donde
comenzar. Los quiero mucho a ambos. Me pregunto si siempre lo han
sabido? No los quiero solo por que son familia, sino por que son
las únicas dos persona en el mundo que me han brindado su amor
sin condición. Me siento tan alejado del mundo a veces, pero con
ustedes siempre me sentí como "en casa", con tanto
amor, y tanto cariño.

Como niño, fui privilegiado de criarme con ustedes, y eso ha
hecho toda la diferencia. Todos pensaban que era "malcriado",
pero todo lo que hicieron por mi, me convirtió en la persona que
soy hoy en día. Quería ser alguien y lograr éxito para que
estuvieran orgullosos de mi y para que sus sacrificios no fueran
en vano. Fueron ustedes los que me enseñaron los valores que
utilizo en la forma que miro la vida, y el amor.

Miro atrás, cuando estaba creciendo y tengo tantos buenos
recuerdos en mi "casa de tablas." Nunca olvidare cuando
aplastaba latas y ayudaba a abuelo a hacer dinero de pedazos de
metal y aluminio. Creo que de ahí salió mi interés por el
dinero y los negocios. Como niños, hacíamos espadas de madera y
jugábamos en la tierra afuera, trepábamos árboles, corríamos
bicicleta, comíamos melocotones, quemábamos cosas que no debíamos
haber quemado. No recuerdo haber sido tan feliz. Recuerdo comer
tortillas con mantequilla, frijoles, y huevos, muchos huevos. Me
enloquecí con los "nutty buddies" que abuelo traía
del colmado en su bicicleta. Recuerdo cuando me dormía con los
cuentitos que me hacían antes de acostarme. Uno del conejo y
otro de un lobo y otros que me ponían muy contentos al oírlos.
Recuerdo haberme dado en la cabeza un día y ver a abuelo muy
enojado conmigo (aunque bromeaba) por haber roto la cama y yo
diciendo que me había roto la cabeza de seguro. Cuando me pedían
besos siempre les decía "cabo, cabo." Siempre me
hicieron sentir tan querido, tan amado, como si en sus ojos, nada
de lo que yo hiciera podía estar mal. Me sentía muy especial, y
sentirse especial no es muy común en la vida. Los hidrolizaba a
ambos, por todo lo que hicieron para llegar a donde llegaron hoy
en día, y hasta donde trajeron nuestra familia.

Entiendo que ustedes son seres humanos, con faltas de por si,
pero para mi, son las persona mas perfectas que conocí. No creo
que ame a nadie mas que a ustedes. Siempre serán mis ídolos y
mi inspiración.

Me avergüenza, que al crecer perdí mi lengua, mi comunicación
con ustedes. Ya no podía compartir con ustedes lo que pensaba o
sentía tan fácilmente como antes. Mi amor nunca fallo, pero mi
método de expresarlo si. Y esa es mi única pena.

Plantaron un valor en mi para la educación y el trabajo. No
quiero sobresalir para tratar de tener una vida distinta a la
suya, como nos dirían, sino sobresalir para alcanzar sus sueño
de una mejor vida, ser el producto de lo que ustedes crearon. Mi
vida es un atributo a la suya, todas sus luchas, los tiempos
duros que pasaron, y mas que nada, su amor.

Todo el dinero del mundo no podría comprar el amor que ustedes
me brindaron. No creo que supe como decirles lo significante que
fueron en mi vida. Nunca pensé que era digno de todo su amor,
pero ustedes nunca pararon de brindarlo. Todavía hoy me siento
igualmente querido y a veces quisiera volver a ser niño, jugar
en su casa, dormir en su cama, comer su comida, y sentir sus
abrazos.

Aquí estoy en la universidad, me falta un año y me parece mas
duro cada día. No es fácil para mi estar tan lejos de todos los
que amo, todo lo que conozco, solo y por mi cuenta, tratando de
lograr la mejor vida que ustedes querían para mi. Tenia que
agrandar mis sueños, me dijeron que podía lograr lo que
quisiera y aquí estoy siguiendo ese sueño. Solo acepto lo mejor
por que eso es lo que ustedes me dieron. Estoy aquí para
enorgullecerlos, para enorgullecer a mi familia y a mi mismo. Se
que tengo su apoyo en cualquier cosa que yo haga, así salí al
mundo a hacerlo, sabiendo que aunque estoy lejos de casa, su amor
me espera cuando regrese. Me siento un poco egoísta cogiendo
todo ese amor, sin saber que haría sin ustedes. En mi corazón,
se que nunca los voy a perder, y aprecio cada momento que tenemos
juntos. Aprecio sus consejos, sus cuentos, su historia, a ustedes
como personas.

Tengo muy buenos amigos aquí en New York, gente que quiero mucho
y aprecio igual su compañía. Me han ayudado a apreciar de donde
vine, quien soy, y a ver la importancia de la familia. Los extraño
mucho, no puedo esperar volver a verlos, y les prometo que un día
criare mis propios hijos con todo lo que me han enseñado.
Gracias por no olvidarse de mi y llamarme cada vez que pueden.
Espero que hasta ahora halla logrado ser el nieto que ustedes
querían que fuera cuando primero me cogieron en sus brazos.


Con mucho amor siempre,

Martín "Martincito" Alaniz

I'll miss you

You Just Feel It

"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved." -Marcus Antonius

Wednesday night I went out with Abram and Oscar. Considering the stressful challenges that I have been falling on my lap, Abram decided alcohol should become involved. It had been a while since I had seen Oscar, so it was cool he came to hang out. Oh, btw, he just signed on a Condo. I'm so proud of the guy, he now owns a house and a condo and has done it in the most responsible way. It won't be ready until July, so that gives him time to get things in order.

I didn't plan to drink too much, but not having to drive and trying to get my mind off things got the better of me. We had a good time. When I got home, I hung out with the dogs for a while and then ended up crashing out. I woke up late the next morning with that feeling that drinking is bad and was able to make it to work on time, but not without skipping on a lot of my morning routine. After a few Advil I was able to get through the day.

I was reading about this: Step It Up and Kick: The Rockette Auditions. Did you know that anyone over 18 who is between 5'6" and 5'10" can try out? I've never seen them perform, I wonder if they are any good.

Erika is coming into town for her sister's graduation. I am looking forward to seeing her and her family. I hope her TomTom helps them get around.

no more complicated

The Dawn

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference." -Author is Complicated

The other day I went to Sam's with Abram and Rino. I'm not a big fan of buying in bulk, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I guess I won't really know the benefit until a few months from now. What I can tell you is that I have a lot of paper plates.


I'm looking forward to this weekend. I have a feeling that it is going to be really good, so why not get my hopes up. I think I'm going to keep an open mind and just let things happen.

I had talked about no matter how much I like Hillary Clinton and want her to be vice president, I had finally joined the Obama bandwagon with hopes that he does pick her as vp. Now, I always noted that I thought both were great and both would be great presidents, but I do have some observations. The one that that made me go from supporting Obama to really hardcore wanting to be on his team was the Reverend news coverage issue. Man, that so pissed me off. The incessant cries of, 'oh how could he know that man', 'how can we trust his judgment', just straight up crap right out of the Republicans speaking to the lowest common denominator bullshit. Now I know Hillary was behind in the delegates and had to do whatever it took to win, but to jump on that bullshit bandwagon talking point too made me feel like that quote about how you have to be careful that when fighting with monsters (republicans) you don't yourself become one... it really seemed to fit. The way she edged him out in my book back in the day was that I knew she could fight back hard, but I at least hoped that she wouldn't resort to Rove type tactics. That contrasted with a man who wouldn't throw a family friend under the bus even when that man ended up just making things worse. Now that he has it all tied up, I guess it is time to get ready for the Republican slime machine. They are good, I give them that, but what gets to me is that some people really think they are doing an honorable thing since the ends can justify the means. McCain has come out and said he is going to run a respectful campaign, I give him that, but those 527s don't really care what he says and he seems to have no control over them.

I found this excerpt on a friend's blog from an article.


RECENTLY my mother asked me to clarify what I meant when I said I was dating someone, versus when I was hooking up with someone, versus when I was seeing someone. And I had trouble answering her because the many options overlap and blur in my mind. But at one point, four years ago, I had a boyfriend. And I know he was my boyfriend because he said, “I want you to be my girlfriend,” and I said, “O.K.”

I read this today:

How A Big Booty Boosts Your Health : I know the topic is funny, but I find it interesting that we are at a point in society that we can talk about such a serious topic like health in the news and use the words "Big Booty." I don't mind, but it made me laugh. [I think it is an English paper.]

maybe i have have trust issues, but believe me, I have earned them - HIMYM

Time to Think

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” - Oscar Wilde

I don't have much to say right now. This is usually when I have the most to say I think.
No usual log update for me right now. I hate when things start to fall around you and you try to be calm and pick them up one by one, but then you just keep finding more things you didn't expect. I'm better than this. I can not let my circumstances win here. So to keep my mind off of this: Here are some articles that caught my attention.

Guess it isn't too great of a topic. My left leg had been hurting me for a few weeks. It was a weird pain. Considering you can turn any symptom into the signs of something bad, here is what I found.

Leg Pain a Hidden Risk for Stroke:


A less accurate way to check for PAD [peripheral arterial disease] is to use a stethoscope to listen to the pulse at various points on the legs like the thigh or knee and see if the pulse is weak at any of those places or if there are unusual sounds, such as a murmur, suggesting that blood flow is disrupted. Some of the symptoms are aching pain, fatigue, and sometimes burning in the calf when walking. Pain can also be in the thigh or the front of foot. Another symptom is restless legs when one lies down.



I found this a bit funny. Read the article, there is another funny picture there too.

Anti-Immigration Protester Needs A Spell-Check


The San Francisco Chronicle reprints this photo taken at an anti-immigration rally in Texas. The paper quips: "Excellent point: In Houston, a Texan protesting amnesty for illegal immigrants argues that anyone who can't master English doesn't deserve to live in America."



Here is a list of my current opportunities:


I just got paid and already have 5 overdrafts. Tough times my friends and I don't even have the right to complain. At least my cats aren't going to the restroom in my room...wait, no.



There are no bad dogs, just bad dog owners. I'm one of those owners it is looking like. I thought I was doing a great job with Max, but he keeps getting into trouble and acting up. I am responsible since he probably needs more care. The stories about this are quite long, including a hoodi dog that can get out of any tied up situation.

HIMYM did not record for me on Monday. How petty is that to be listed here? Tivo has changed me over a grand of fees by accident and despite all my work to get their mistake fixed, I'm still waiting.

Abram and I were talking about my bout last week with some tough times and how maybe Karma is just balancing out since things are going so well for him, I'm picking up the slack to balance it out. The thought in a weird way made me feel better.

Screw this focusing on the negative thing, it doesn't help. I hate when people complain and bitch, especially when not looking at the bigger more positive picture. It is the whole, "Poor little rich boy" thing where you can't feel sorry for a person who isn't appreciating how well they have it. You have to pardon me though I just can't keep this all inside.



So here as I'm here typing, the world goes fuzzy and I feel dizzy and right as I feel like I'm going to faint, I lay down on the floor to try to feel better. It feels like a sudden drop in blood pressure, my guess probably brought upon the stress I'm inflicting on myself as I'm here writing about this crap. It does feel very scary though. It could be something else, but damn it is scary. I don't think I've felt like this before.

I'm just going to stop.

maybe it isn't myself I need to forgive

Spur of the Moment

"Nothing is interesting if you're not interested." -Helen MacInness

Wednesday was a great day. Sometimes out of nowhere comes a great surprise. You feel really good and though your instinct is to walk cautiously, you decide to forgo that and just enjoy the moment. Here is looking forward to the days to come.


So, I ordered a chair for work since I got paid and went to pick it up at lunch on Wednesday. I had picked it out online and when I saw it I was not happy. I felt like "that guy" when I show up and return a product I had yet to even pick up. I did find one I liked and I just ordered it online. Hard to pick a chair when you want something cheap yet functional. The chair I have now is terrible, yet my desk and office is pretty damn awesome (never had my own true office in my life). They just don't match. When it came in on Thursday, it took some time to put it together, but I'm very happy with my purchase.

I was watching Grey's this week and I thought it was so funny when Addison referred to Rose as "some doe-eyed little creature thing or something." I'm still a big Rose fan, but I really liked the description she used. I feel kind of confused on what is going on with Izzy, George and Lexie. I still don't think Private Practice is going to make it, but I'll still be watching.

When I get a goal, sometimes I try to get it done so bad that I end up losing more in the end. For example, I have been trying to hard to wire my garage with cable. Well if in the end I do have cable, well that would be great, but at what expense? I mean if I end up messing up the walls or have some ugly wire on the outside of the house, well that would make it a net loss. I will figure it out through. My latest fishing line and weights plan fell flat, well actually didn't fall, which was the problem.

Here is some local Valley news from Tuesday.

Xenophobic bigot Tom Tancredo has come under fire for suggesting at a hearing yesterday in Brownsville, TX, that the proposed border fence ought to be built on the northern side of the town. Since the beginning of the immigration/border debate, Brownsville has become the “epicenter” of opposition to the fence.

Valley Morning Star:
Boos and hisses emanated from the audience for a congressional field hearing when Republican U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo of Colorado dismissed residents’ concerns that the effort to build 670 miles of fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border by year’s end would damage the environment and destroy a centuries-old bond between residents on both sides of the Rio Grande.
Late in the five-hour hearing, Tancredo returned to a comment made earlier by panelist Betty Perez, a rancher and local activist. Perez said, “It really isn’t a border to most of us who live down here.” Tancredo dismissed Perez’s remarks as a “multiculturalist attitude toward borders.” As jeers rose, Tancredo added, ``I suggest that you build this fence around the northern part of your city.”

hopeful