Dragging Myself Across the Final Mile

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." -Blaise Pascal

Life has never felt so certain and uncertain as it does right now. I feel like everything is planned. I move to Austin, take Barbri, take the Bar Exam, start work and begin being a lawyer. Simple, uncomplicated and what I want. I also feel like I don't know what I want. Where do I want to be living once I'm done with the exam? Edinburg, San Antonio, Austin, Virginia? See I have a lot of stuff and I need to make plans with what to do that stuff. I figure I will just look for jobs and where ever I find a job that is where I'll live. Problem there is where do I concentrate my efforts? Where do I look? That depends on where I want to be. Part of my wants to be in Edinburg, another in Texas generally and a 3rd in Virginia. Part of me also wants to leave VA and not look back. I looked back once and here I am again, I won't call it a mistake, but I haven't figured out the significance of the decision. Was it just to attend a better school? Maybe I didn't get want I wanted from coming back. Things were not this complicated a month ago, but maybe they should of been.

Where do I go from here? How do I not let this distract me from the daunting task of taking on a test that no matter who I talk to, I won't be able to pass unless I complete change my approach to learning. My stuff, that is where this all turns I think. It is a bunch of random, mostly useless stuff, but it is mine, it is what I got. From old CD covers to couches, I need to have a place to put all of it where I'll surround myself with my familiar things and move forward with my career, and at some point relationships. I have all kinds of obstacles, but none bigger than my own mind and memories I can't just purge. Why can't I just let things go? Let people go? What do I want? I want both worlds maybe. Then I think about myself in a situation and I feel trapped, unable to pursue my goals or dreams. I don't know what I want or even if I should be having wants. People let you down, but the world is about connecting with other people so I should get over it.

Work is coming to an end. I should be done on Monday. I don't think it has hit me yet. I feel like there are so may loose ends that might not get tied up. I really enjoy working right now because of Bob and Angie, but with the semester coming to an end I know I need to focus on school once again. I was really lucky to find that job and it is just another example of how things always work out which makes me feel like there is some over riding meaning to my life.

I was talking to a friend the other day about the concept of not making a decision is the same as making a decision, you just don't feel as responsible for the ramifications of it. I put off making a lot of decisions do hope a lot of things will work themselves out, but there are things I can't ignore, things I need to take care of or else I'm going to be in a world of hurt.

Thursday night we started up our poker night again. It is hard to get people to come when they feel they never win. People leave with money sometimes, but it is true that I have done decent. Last night our game didn't have as many players, but I ended the night off at 153 dollars. A nice win for a 20 dollar investment. I'm not playing that great, or getting that lucky, I'm just betting when I have it and folding when I don't. Well maybe that isn't completely true. I enjoy getting the practice and it does feel good to end the night as a winner.

I heard some hate filled speech this morning and it got my mind back on religion. Here is my usual speal on my own personal growth in the area....One thing I have always worried about was my lack of being involved in a church. I just can't bring myself to believe that the benefits will counter the costs. Benefits I can't just get from my own study. I have not met many people who attend church regularly who are moral role models. Not one. Usually it is the opposite way. I've met some really religous people, one who even tried hard to get me to go and yet still I feel like my respect for the Lord and His teachings was more thought out and honest than hers. I'm honest with myself over what I believe and what sins I think are worth focusing on. I have also met those that go, yet don't talk about it too much or try to push their routine on you. The more Christian people tend to say they are, the less Christian like them seem to be. Maybe I'm jaded from politics and people like Bush and Cheney who use the Lord's name for evil and have followers due to that usage. The fact remains, there is a still a lot of lessons that can be learned from the Bible and I need to make sure I have done my best to learn them despite all the people who turn me off from it. I respect other religions, but not because I think they might be right, I mean I clearly think they are wrong, but then again I also know that I do not know what is right, but am sure that living a good life is the best I can do. My respect is more about the freedom to choose what you want to believe, even if it's about a man who says that only people from Utah can go to heaven or people that believe that alien's created us (Tom Cruise). They are all as logical as my beliefs if you think about it from an objective stand point.

rice and beans and the trash

Spring time

“When I consider life, 'tis all a cheat. Yet, fooled by hope, men favour the deceit; trust on, and think to-morrow will repay: to-morrow's falser than the former day.” - John Dryden quotes (British Poet, Dramatist and Critic of Literacy, 1631-1700)

Things are not going so well. I missed class on Tuesday. I then missed work on Wednesday. I had taken some medicine on Tuesday that gave me the most horrible headache. It was the worst I've ever had. I went to bed with it and woke up with the same headache. I had to call into work and say I'd go in on Friday instead. Maybe it’s a combination of feeling physically miserable and emotionally miserable…but the emotional is why I missed school and physical is why I missed work. Hopefully I'll get things together soon.

Some people never learn and I am one of them. Every year spring comes and its beautiful outside and I’m smart enough to know that I need to stay clear due to my allergies. Well last year, and this year, I took Koki and Mia out for a walk for a while to enjoy the weather making sure to not be outside long enough for it to really give me a bad reaction. What I forget is that while my cats are outside, they are rolling on the ground and covering their fur in pollen. They become pollen bombs that sleep on top of me and I wonder why for the next week I’m going insane with red eyes and terrible allergies. It is almost kind of funny how dumb I can be.

Speaking of never learning. I threw my remote in the trash can. It's always somewhere on my bed and at times falls in the trash can right by my bed. I usually check for it, but this time I didn't check there and threw out my trash. Genius. What can ya do?

Today I decided to attend a full day of classes so that I could have full attendance and feel like I’m back. It is hard to explain how nervous and stress I feel when I haven’t attended in some time. I feel like people will know, like I’ll be told that I can’t graduate or get in trouble….or much worse be called on. Its like a spiral of shame….procrastinators would understand. I went to my first class and it felt great. Plus we have all of next week off so that is grand. Then my second class wasn’t too bad and I felt good about that too. My last two I was worried about. I tried to read for my next class and try as I did I could not concentrate or understand the topics, so I decided I’d show up and just sign in as unprepared, which I really don’t mind. Then I went to my last class. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be work wise, but because it is so hot today, the class was hot. I was boiling and bored out of my mind. I didn't know what to do to keep my mind busy. I did a very simple thing, attended my classes, but for me it was a moral victory I really needed.

I need a job. Pretty much the plans for the next part of my life are dependent upon what job I find and where it is located. I'm looking in the Valley, DC, SA and maybe Austin. The point is I should really pick up on the looking and really try. I don't want a competitive job where I'll have no chance due to my less than stellar grades, but a good starter job where I can prove myself and work up. Not knowing where to move all my stuff is the most stressful part. For now it's all going to Edinburg.

I found out from Maria's site that she is done with Chemo. What she went through I'll never understand, but I'm impressed with how she handled it. I hope she ends up being Cancer free and never has to deal with it again.

As far as I understand, Jorge is going to next year be in his first year of being an intern. The way I have people explain it to me is in Grey's Anatomy terms. He got accepted to Tuffs in Boston, so he will do a year in NYC and then go to Tuffs for 4 years and then I think he can start making the big bucks. Man the dedication it takes to be a doctor is unreal.

Juan is waiting to hear from medical schools and I hope he gets into many. He has worked so hard toward his dream and will be a doctor, but it would be nice if he could get started soon.

I haven't gone out drinking in a long time. I need to get drunk soon. Nothing like a good night of drinking to forget about everything. Too bad the morning just adds a new problem, the hangover.

I already had the address, it was an excuse

Fresh Start

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." ~ Unknown

What a weekend! It was St. Patrick's Day and I should of been out drinking green beer and enjoying myself. Instead I chose to stay in and drink wiskey knowing that if I drank too much my bed wasn't too far away. I was a bit useless, but I really didn't mind it too much. I also spent the time fighting off allergy attacks that are only going to get worse. Claratin used to be a magic pill for me, now I take it like birth control and I wonder if it is doing much good. I have added two other medicines to the mix, which I'm sure is a bad idea and it just seems to leave me tired.

I would of thought I'd play a lot of poker, but one of my rules is no (or little) drinking while I play poker and I have to be in a good mindset emotionally and not tired...considering I wasn't able to play. I did watch a lot of TV, mainly basketball and movies. I saw Casino Royale, a very good action movie. I also saw the holiday, not really my taste and I can be a sap for movies like that, but this one made Jack Black such a wuss that I just couldn't get into it. I saw some episodes of The Winner, which I have to say is winning me over. I'm a sucker for Dailyshow alums.

So Koki and Mia are sleeping away and I wake Koki up to play with her. She got really angry, probably because she was too close to Mia. I think sometimes when she is pissed I like to provoke her more than I should. I'm usually wearing glasses so I don't worry about my eyes, but I wonder with all her hissing if she would ever really hurt or attack me. I have yet to get her to do so and well I think I love her too much to put her in a spot where she would be hurting and would have to. I just annoy her, mainly holding her while Mia comes close that that drives her insane. I try not to do this too often as to not make her hate me, but I do wonder why I have such confidence that Koki, no matter how angry or mad would never hurt me. Mia on the other hand is hard to make angry since she is always scared, so since it has taken years to slowly train her not to be scared, I don't bother her as much. Maybe I just don't trust and have to see...maybe I'm just a jerk. 99% of the time I'm at their beck and call, so please don't think I'm some sort of bad owner.

Spring break is over. I haven't had a real spring break since senior year of college when I went to Cancun. The next two years I was working, and then in Miami, well I spent it in Miami since it was a good location for spring break, then last year I stayed in DC (with a trip to NYC) and this year I stayed in DC too (with small trip to AC). At some point I'll be going to San Diego.

Being back at work feels weird, just like I'm getting back into the swing of things. Bob and Angie moved the offices around. I'm trying to get all my work hours organized and help out in any way I can. Bob I think is out for the week for his other job. It does feel nice to be back, plus it will help get me into a better routine than I had last week.

A girl I dated for 3 years a few years ago is getting married soon. For some reason I was sure she was already married, but that was not the case. Enough years have passed that I am actually very happy for her. You can't help but wish someone happiness when they have found their one. I learned a lot from that relationship and it did take me a long time to get back on my feet after, but looking back, it made me who I am. I think it made me a better boyfriend in my future relationships. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t want to talk to, about or know anything about a person I am no longer dating. It is almost like it never happened. People have given me a hard time about this, but for me it was how I dealt with things. I’ve always seen it as a way of showing my respect for them and leaving them to go on with their own life as I go on with mine.

I need to figure out what I am going to do in my life. Sometimes it is easy to use someone else as an excuse to not ask yourself the hard questions of what I want and where I want to be. I might of procrastinated filling out my bar app and paying barbri off because I wasn't sure of my decision. I have now made a decision by not making one and am for sure going to try my hardest to be a Texas licensed attorney. SMU is starting to seem like a better choice had I known for sure this would be my path. The question still remains what job will I work at and where. At first my plan was to move to Edinburg jobless and just look for a job once I was done. This isn't the best plan, but it was and still is my default. Who knows, it might still be the best option. I'll talk about my possible options in another entry.

"This old man" ahhhh...not "Thislle man" what is thisle? I don't know, thought it was part of the song.

erased all I could

Snow

"I don't want you to marry me because you are placating me. It doesn't interest me, it doesn't interest me at all." - Burke, Grey's Anatomy

The funniest thing, it was so hot at the beginning of the week and I made a comment that it only made sense for it to snow later in the week. And low and behold, we are getting snow. Interesting how weather works. This is a good thing, the beautiful weather was bringing out the spring and that was making me get terrible allergy attacks. I'm still suffering pretty badly, but the snow/water/sleet is helping a bit.

Now it is really snowing...it is beautiful..I promised snow and here it is. I guess I always do keep my promises.

Koki got a happy 4th birthday card. I really wish I knew the exact day or month she was born. She is about 4 years old, but I want a day to celebrate. I probably need a birthday for Mia too.

I have a lot of Dr. Pepper in the fridge. What am I going to do with that? I have eaten a lot fruit bars today. I have the movie the holiday, why do I have that movie? Hopefully I get Casino Royale soon.

I checked out some tapes from school and they were due today. I drove over in the sleet just to return them. I did not want to but it sure beats late fees. It is probably a sign that I should start focusing on school and my goals.

I learned a lot about PMBR tonight and somehow hearing about the bar exam surprisingly made me feel a lot better.

who do I get mad at?

Lies...That We Tell Ourselves

I just hope to sleep

And never awaken

Nothing left in this world

Could replace what you have taken...

- Sandy Cheney

I don't know what to say, just feel like I need to write. The relationship I was in is now over. It was a decision I should of made long ago. There is so much I can say about this and this seems like this would be the sensible place to spill it, but I'd rather just bottle it up and deal with it.

My family isn't too happy and asked me what I did. They really liked her and I feel bad for them, but I only tell them what they need to know, so I don't mind looking like the bad guy. I hate that my relationships affect them, but I'm sure it will be ok.

I hope everyone is enjoying spring break. Mine is ending and is nothing like I expected. On to the next part of this journey. I think there is a basketball tournament going on.

self-fulfilling prophecy

The Cheetahs

"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. " - Thomas Fuller

Thursday night was our last night of poker before spring break. We had a decent turnout, but poker ended much eariler. I did ok and it felt good having a winning night. Bob actually made it which was cool and I think he took home some money too.

Friday morning Mark and I got up and set course for Atlantic City. The trip was about 4 hours, but the idea of playing poker gave me the energy to wake up early.

So we go to Ceasers and I sit down at a 1/2 NL table. I'm a bit nervous and having bought 300 dollars worth of chips I sit down with 200 dollars. I get AKs dealt to me on the first hand. There was a raise to 15 and a 15 call. Not thinking that I know nothing about the table, I think, well I could push here and win 30 bucks and start off feeling like a winner. So I push all in. The guy next to me goes into the tank until he finds a tell on me and calls. The next guy overcalls and I know I'm in a lot of trouble. The guy flps over KK and the other AK. Aces missing from the deck I don't suck out and start off losing $200 on my first hand. I take out 100 chips from my pocket and 100 dollars from my pocket and start over. I try to not let it emotionally fuck me up and stay there for the next 4 hours and build my stack to 400 and then leave. I was exactly even. To be honest, I did win a hand where I sucked out, but still I felt on top of the world for being even.

A lot more poker was played. I lost 3 sit and goes and won 1 for $400 dollars. The is all the poker talk I have in me for now. I ended the trip down $20 bucks.

I spent Sunday evening relaxing and then I took off for Baltimore to pick up Erika. My timing was perfect, but she didn't notice because she was a bit stressed due to it being late and worrying about her luggage. I tried to show off my gps, but since I had done it before, she wasn't too impressed. I would of hoped she would of just pretended.

Monday we slept in. We got home late the night before. I did not start off the trip was the amazing tour guide I had wanted to be. I felt bad that I didn't have enough things plans, but I figured we would find a lot of things to do and since I plan too much I figured I'd go with the wind.

Tuesday I kept my promise of taking Erika to the zoo. Though this time it wasn't the Bronx zoo, it was the national zoo. I had a great time. I got to see the pandas and it was free. My feet did hurt after all that walking, maybe I should of worn better shoes.

Wednesday my allergies were a pain and I had to postpone our trip. We did get to go to the movies where I was happy to finally have nachos with hot cheese.

Thursday the trip was cut short. And so the story ends.

medicine really does make me sleepy

Georgetown

Cross-examination highlight
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with that man in Miami?
A: No.

Thursday's poker night went well despite starting somewhat late. I started the night off by doubling up and then cleared almost $100. The competition is getting harder, but I'm glad I'm able to get more experience dealing with people. I went to bed at 4 in the morning.

Friday we tried a new place for lunch. On face the place seemed like it would be perfect. They sold everything you would want to eat for lunch. They sold natural food I think. The food looked great, but had no taste. It is hard to explain, but maybe all that artifical stuff makes food taste well.

Saturday night I went out in Georgetown with Bob and Angie. I met up with them after they had dinner and then we went to a bar. It had been a while since I had drank, so it did feel like it hit me harder. I took a cab in and a cab home at the end of the night, which does add up, but is better than having to worry about driving.

On Sunday I went to my Aunt's house to have lunch. I am now able to do it without getting lost. My cousin Mario was in town so I went over to visit. I had a nice time. We ate and then saw the movie Babel. It is always nice getting to see my family. I always seem to bring up my views on politics, but I am happy to see that even where we might not agree, their views are very logical. The cool thing is that we have been agreeing on almost everything.

I'm planning an Atlantic City trip for this coming weekend. We will see how that goes. There is a WSOP circuit event, but maybe I just want to play single table tournaments and 1/2NL. I still need to get the hotel lined up.

I have been working on my bar exam application and it is now in. That was fun and expensive. I have also paid for my bar review course, ticket to Austin and rent for that time. So far everything is coming together, now I just need to graduate. I am running out of money fast, probably due to my mismanagment, bad priorities and such.

Erika will be here soon, I can't wait, I'd better get a move on planning things to do. I am usually just happy spending time with her and what we do doesn't matter, but it is going to be a week, so I don't want her to be bored.

Tomorrow is my last day of my externship. These 180 hours didn't go as fast I thought they would, but it is nice to feel like I've completed something. Having Bob and Angie there did help make it enjoyable. I don't say that just because they might read this.

I have ordered my cap and gown and knocked another item off my ToDo list. I think it was just a rental, but talk abour expensive. I need to buy some diploma frames too, but that is going to have to wait.

So Libby was found guilty It sucks that he had to be the fall guy for the administration, but when you break the law for your master, you still break the law. I just wish Rove or Cheney could of been charged for the underlying crime on a conspiracy charge. What they did was wrong and illegal and they should be held accountable. This perjury stuff is at technicality and Libby was gulity, but I want the VP held accountable for his actions.

criminal history