Holding on to that hot coal

I have climbed highest mountain

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
- U2

It is easy to be positive and happy when life is going well and especially when emotionally straining things are not happening. So yeah, I think I'm all pimp cause I'm feeling great, happy and emotionally sound, but the fact of the matter is that I haven't been tested. As small things that shouldn't substantially affect me have made a stronger impact than I expected, it makes me start to truly test my emotional state. It is nice to find out if you are full of bullshit.

So I will be honest, I planned to wake up at 6am on Wednesday so I could run from 6:30-7:30 and be in class at 8:30am. I tried to go to bed early, but it did not work out. I end up talking on the phone past midnight and then don't fall asleep until 3:30am. At 6am I wake up, but I instead of jumping up like I need to do, I just rolled over and laid down for 2 more mins, like it would really make a difference...well I look at the clock and it is 7:30am. Mind you, this is really really early for me nevertheless, but it wasn't my goal. Well there is no time to go run and then shower and make it for class, so I consider missing class as a penalty, but I figure that I'm just trying to find an excuse to miss class and it is too early to start that now. So instead I just go to class again and go run as soon as I get home....which I did.

Wednesday Ralph came over to work on this research assignment, which we both sucked at. I put way too much time into this project, but my conviction not to learn how to research the US code and legislative history led to my ass just giving up and making up answers. But the point of this is that Ralph saw all my motivational crap on my dry erase board with all my goals and my "southbeach Marty" theme. Now, had I been near the end of all these goals, I'd be proud of this list, but since I am still just starting out, it was a bit awkward, but he did give me shit for it, but nothing too bad. I promised to myself I won't talk my bullshit until I can lead by example, so it sucked I wasn't an example yet. This bores me.

I am starting to feel sick. The problem is that I haven't just gotten sick, it is slowly creeping up on me. I feel like I don't know if I should just get sick and get it over with, or fight it off. I really want to fight it off, but it hasn't seemed to be working too well. A lot of people in my class have been sick, so I think I might have what they have. I hate being sick, mainly because of my lifetime of being perpetually sick. Due to my allergies, I was pretty much sick year round. But now thanks to my ionic breeze and I guess God, my allergies have been amazing, and I'm not slaved to claritin and have been really damn healthy. Considering I haven't been too sick, I'm really loving it, so now that I'm getting sick, it is really upsetting me and reminding me of a past life of feeling like crap. Not that anyone else enjoys being sick, but I'll be self centered and say I really hate it. I think being sick is like dreams, only interesting to the person it affects.

Thursday I had my 2nd installment of poker night. We played at this guy Kevin's place and I got to get to know him better and this other guy David. Everyone from the week before was there too. I liked his place a lot, which made me think that after my lease is up, I'm moving into a one bedroom. Financially it sucks, but fuck it, I'm an adult and I should live on my own. It also has to do with my whole thing of wanting a really nice place that only I am responsible for. What am I going to do when I have kids and they make messes, man I hope I have a clean wife (and hope I learn to be clean and less cluttered to add to that.) So back to poker, I was doing great kicking ass and up a lot, so I call an all in bet and get my stack destroyed. I start playing loose to try to capture my pass losses and lose my buy-in. Instead of playing good poker, I get more loose and go all in on a KJ thinking everyone would fold and of course lose. I end up going out first and calling it a night early. At least I'm getting the social part going, now I need to work on the making money part.

Friday afternoon: I'm sitting here in a mandatory meeting for my writing class and my civ pro class. So for an hour I have to listen to some judges talk about something, I'm assuming the law. What a perfect time to sit down and write a few thoughts. So let me tell you about my watch. I have this really sweet fossil watch I purchased when I first moved to DC. I bought it at a fossil outlet store so that I would have a nice watch for work. It is the only watch I use, though I do have a few other watches thrown in my drawer somewhere. Well yesterday I noticed that the thing stopped ticking. I guess that makes sense, since it gave me almost 3 years of good ticking and the battery was destined to give out. I usually don't go get new batteries for watches, I just end up getting a new watch since it usually is time for one. The problem is that I have gotten so comfortable with this watch, and even though it gots scratches, I will probably just get a battery for it. So I'm getting ready for class and I have to pick between no watch, a nice watch I never wear, or my non working watch, well I go with the non-working watch. As unlogical as it sounds, I went with the non-working watch instead of nothing. So now the weight on my arm feels right, and not wearing one just makes me feel naked and though I wouldn't mind being naked too much, I don't think it is fair to other kids at school. What really sucks is that I keep looking at it and I'm perteutually living in 11:25....well just :25 since I never look at the hour hand, just the mins. Getting batteries sucks. It is weird how we do things for routine and custom even when they no longer make sense.

Saturday I did my cardio workout in the morning, but also went to play soccer at 1pm. There were a lot of kid league games going on, but no pick up games, so it wasn't too cool at first. I should probably go later in the day and since I'm not going to use the time to just run, I really wanted to play soccer. I ended up playing goalie for a few girls (8-10 years old) who were getting ready to play their game. It was actually really fun. Then I kicked around with Fed and then these two Columbian kids came by and we played them 2 on 2 goal kicks, a game Juan Carlos taught me. We lost 8-4, but they were much much better than us...well a fuck load better than me, a bit better than Fed, but I didn't do too well, but whatever, I'm there to learn, so I'm gonna suck. At one point I got terrible cramps in my calves. I guess the explosive muscle growth, plus all that running didn't help much. As I was dying on the floor, no one gave a shit. Not at all. I figured it would be the end for me cause I was in excruciating pain and that was all I could think of, but the fact they didn't give a shit made me feel like they saw me as a pussy for being in pain, so I was able to get up and walk for a bit and just started playing again. It took some time for the cramps to stop, but I got back into the swing of things ok and was happy I just didn't quit.

I caught up on my HBO Carnivale and now get to start watching it on Sunday again. Can't wait for Deadwood either.

how did you end up in my dream, why did I act so predictably?

Visitors

"It is sheer good fortune to miss somebody long before they leave you."- Morrison

Ok, I know you are out there, friends and people who read this page and haven't signed the guestbook. Come on, make my day and give me a signature other than all those spam type ads I always seem to get on there. Also note I have a message board, which seems to be ignored as well. Even just a hey, what's up would be enough. I'm not saying my self-esteem needs it, but it wouldn't hurt. I also like to know who is actually reading this.

I am noticing that I am not working as hard on this law school thing as I should this semester. I think I am using all my outside activities/goals as a distraction from actually getting my work done. I feel more motivated about learning, but it still sucks I have to sit down and do those hours of reading. I am more into school this semester than before, but my output isn't where I want it to be yet. I am going to figure out something to change this, cause I am going to get amazing grades this semester.

Today in contracts a chick got called on and she pretty much said she wasn't prepared and the professor said she would get called on Monday. Had this been property, she would have been kicked out. I have thought of using that excuse, but I usually am too scared and am at least half ass prepare when I am not fully prepared. I got called on in the last class, so I think I have bought some time in this class. I spent time writing in class and don't feel like I listened as well as I should of.

Our school has come out with its picture book. I think it is kind of cool to put names to a lot of the faces I see. I wonder if it would be worth learning the names of all the people in my class (I've learned all 70 in my section), but since most/everyone else doesn't know me, it might be weird if I knew their name. There are some people whose pictures are missing, which is easy to tell when there are some hot girls that are not in there. Let me tell you how I have gone about learning people's names in my section. First there are those you learn easily because you know them, but for the rest, I read the roll we sign each day from top to bottom and visual all the faces. Each day I get better and better.

A few days ago, I was in the library and I heard 3 girls talking about their friend who had just got her implants. They were talking mad shit about how they were too big for her and then one defended her friend (impressive for a girl) saying she probably didn't intend to make them that big and thinks she is upset about that. Really could they be too big? I didn't know who they were talking about, but I just averaged the looks of those 3 girls and figured she probably wasn't that hot of a chick. I think I am just naive about a lot of shit (ie cocaine use, etc.), which means I think that very few girls get this done, or at least want to, but I am learning more and more that more girls than I think want/have them. I'd have to say that I don't think I've ever hooked up with a girl who had them, but I usually take it for granted that they are real and don't think too much about it. I don't think I fully understand a woman's need to want to be hot, yet despite being treated like a sex object. Either way, I guess it works out for guys, so I won't complain...too much.

Tuesday morning I did not wake up early as I planned to run. I got up in time to get ready for class, but I had to pass up the running in the morning. I was really pissed with myself, but after class, I went to the gym and did my running workout. No loss, but it wasn't a good way to set a new habit. I've been thinking about it and I have noticed that in my life, I am more motivated doing things on my own than counting on other people. When I got in great shape, I did it on my own, every time I have tried to enlist buddies, they either are not up for it, or do not motivate me in any way. I enjoy counting on other people, but not for personal goals, I have to put the weight on myself so that I can't blame anybody. I think that is part of why married men get fat. I really have nothing better to do right now than make myself a kick ass awesome person, not to discount the pretty pimp person I am now.

I hate the assignments in my writing class. I feel like they are so useless and take up so much of my time. I love to write and want to learn to write well, especially as a lawyer, but these assignments seem like such bullshit. Though if I hold the bullshit standard to learning, I'd never learn anything, which means I just need to get over it and get my work done. So I go around thinking like everyone else, but I when I think about stuff, I think, wow, I should write this down. Usually I'd just go home and tell someone my thoughts, but people don't seem as interested in my random thoughts when I speak them, so I just write them down now (though I still talk about them quite a bit as well). The problem is that when I think of stuff, I am usually in a position where I can't write it down. For example, when I am driving, when I'm in the shower or the like. Why is it that the best ideas come when we have trouble keeping them.

Today my backpack was very heavy. I think it has to do with my being sore from the upper body workout, but I had all kinds of stuff in it, from my lunch, to water and the majority of the weight, my books and computer. It made me get a flashback of seeing Terri in DC carrying her super large full backpack one day after work when we met up and me thinking, wow, is that really how much law students have to carry around. I didn't quite believe it at the time, but now I am starting to fully understand. I'm glad my back isn't hurt or anything.

Let me talk a bit about my Spanish tapes. They are pretty simple so far, but I think it is important to learn the basics. I'm doing great and am learning to say Castellano instead of espanol. A friend of mine told me that he knows a lot of white people that marry Cubans and learn to speak Spanish like native speakers. I've actually seen it a few times as well. It really motivated me in having confidence in the power of these tapes and my ability to kick ass. I should be done with all 3 levels by the summer and Spain will be a great place to practice and after I think I'll be an official Spanish speaking person. Speaking of, I got my letter of registration for Spain, so now I am officially going, which is really damn pimp. Now I need to plan what I'm going to do about koki and mia, and my apartment, but it has a lot to do with whether I get accepted to any of my transfer schools or stay here. There are many permutations here, but I'm sure it will all fall into place. Back to Spanish, I have a problem wanting to use the word "yo" for "I" way too much when you really don't have to. For example "yo hablo Castellano" where I could just say "hablo castellano."

So part of my program lets me do and eat what I want on Sundays. So that means I have all week to plan out my meals on Sunday. I'm going to really test that part of the program and have Taco Bell or Pollo Tropical for lunch and for dinner, I am finally going to try cooking Picadio, a food I haven't had in a long time. Let's hope I can wait that long. Hopefully I can find where I left that recipe, hope I didn't delete it.

Since Vday is coming up, here comes the talk about the subject that I do every year. There are probably a few more of these to come. So today I get an email from pro flowers reminding me to buy flowers again from them for the elephant in the room. I haven't purchased from them in at least 2 years, but the idea of remembering your last order and reminding you is good marketing tool,but it is kind of annoying. Considering this has happened in the past, you'd think I'd just add that address to my spam filter. On the same subject, I talk to my grandmother one or twice a week and though she is usually really good about it, she sometimes finds a way to bring up people I'd probably rather talk or think about. She is getting more cunning in the way she does it. I was talking to her about my younger sister and relationships when she mentioned some of mine as an example and then threw in a question. She means well and I guess it sucks that she liked her so much, but so is life.

I learned in contracts today that Burger King was founded in Miami. Cool shit huh, the only other place I know of where it was founded was Whataburger, which was founded in Corpus Christi. I have some very good memories there. I don't know where either of the original stores are, but I think our professor said the original Burger King was somewhere off Flagler. I wonder where McDonalds was founded, well I guess I don't wonder too much cause I could probably look it up and I don't really care to.

Yesterday I was talking to a classmate who used to be a ballerina about dancing and a place in Miami Lakes where I could sign up for classes. During the conversation, a few guys added in that it would be a great idea and one guy said, "girls equate dancing with sex, so that should be good." That was kind of the reason I never really wanted to learn to dance (that and the two left feet part), because I would think of it as fake sex (look at any hip hop club) and it bother me for two reasons. One, who wants to date a slut who pretends having sex with all kinds of guys and secondly, I hate cock teases and I see dancing (some forms more than others) as a cock tease, so why would I want that. If I want to have sex, I'll just have sex, why pretend in public. This was a mindset really holding me back, something it took me a while to get over so that I could move forward in actually learning. I don't think about it the same way anymore as far as the extent to which everyone see is that way, and I know everyone is different and yes, a lot of girls on the dance floor are sluts and cock teases, but that isn't the reason why all of them are there. I mention the subject cause its a goal I don't think I've taken as many steps on as my others.

what are your intentions? what do you want?

Tragic Flaws

People only reveal their social insecurity by deflecting compliments, and actually the "Oh, it's not so great" response comes across as fishing for further and higher compliments. The person who compliments you doesn't want an argument! Deflecting compliments is a common enough social error, based on the mistaken belief that such behavior implies modesty. But it is actually a slap in the face to the person complimenting you as though you didn't' appreciate a kind word. If you must be modest, turn the conversation to the subject of the compliment. Your jacket, your debating championship, your rose garden, and tell some funny anecdote about it at your own expense. - James C. Humes, How to be a Very Important Person

I spent the latter part of the weekend cleaning, which is good because I was able to watch the football playoffs at the same time. Talk about manly cleaning. I cleaned the entire apartment, something it seems like only I do. I got a great roommate, but I need to stop getting pissed inside and being a jerk because he doesn't care about cleaning our place as much as I do. He does clean, but when necessary, not in order to have a nice clean place. We made a deal that I'd vacuum if he would mop the kitchen...well I ended up mopping the kitchen cause I couldn't take it anymore. When I had friends over on Thursday, they all told me they liked the place, which made me feel pride in where I live and thus made me want to clean it more and make it look nicer. I rearranged the living room in a way he didn't like, which made him say, "oh, am I just going to just have to get used to this?" making his disappointment known. Usually I'd compromise as I have in the past, but this time I just said, "yes, I guess so." It sucks cause we get along so well that we don't need this shit to get in the way, so I'll just let it go, but I need to make sure I don't keep my resentment in cause I have seen what that can do, especially when it comes to cleaning. Thanks for hearing me vent.

I also did my laundry and started to work on my room. I have a more to go for my room, but I have it in a decent condition. I was procrastination from doing work I think, which is good when I use procrastination of one thing to get another important thing done. I need to figure out a way to get more organized and less cluttered, which probably means I need to start throwing more shit out. I didn't do any ironing, but I now I have a section in my closet for unironed clothes.
I've started the Body for Life program, but I won't talk too much about it until I have resolved to stay on it and I start seeing real improvement. Then you can count on my ass preaching its praises from the high ceilings. I read the entire book this weekend and was inspired by a guy in my class who told me that his friend was doing it and it was going well. The workouts are not too bad, pretty normal I think, but they are everyday (alternating running, lifting), and they are fairly short (45min/20mins). I do get Sunday's off though. The hardest part I think will be the eating 6 times a day. I only eat twice a day to being with so to add 4 meals is a pain in the ass. I purchased meal replacements to make sure I do it right for those extra meals, but I guess I'll see how it goes. Another thing is the drinking a shit load of water thing. I have been drinking more water these past few years, but this is a lot more than I am used to.

This brings me to my story. Last night I decide to go to bed early and before I know it, it is midnight. Nevertheless, I lay down do my contracts reading hoping it will put me to sleep. I'm reading my last case when a person I enjoy talking to calls me. I put the book down and talk for a bit. I think we made some comment about me getting called on for that case. So I'm in Contracts today and all that drinking makes me need to go piss. So I go after about 15 mins, and then as we are finishing a case I have to go again. I'm like great, people are going to think I'm sick or something. I decide to wait until she calls on someone for the next case so that I won't look like I am leaving to avoid being called on. Well guess who gets called on, yup, me and guess which case it was, yup that same case from the night before. Luckily, I had finished it in the morning, but I didn't highlight it at all. I did great though, even though some of my facts were off, and most of all, I actually learned something. Sucks to be this pimp. I need to get this water thing under control though.

A highlight in the class was when our professor, who is female and middle aged wanted to say "starts the clock ticking," but instead said, "starts the clock dicking." The funny part was that people were too scared to laugh, considering she is a respectable dean and all, but she couldn't help but laugh and it took her some time to get back to the point. She made a funny comment about wonder what made her say that. It is nice to see how some people can be human too.
Backing up, I woke up this morning and went to the gym, hopefully I'll be able to become a morning gym person, something that is like twice the pain, being up early and working my ass off. MWF isn't too bad, but TTh I have to wake up really really early, so those will be the real test.

This week I am starting my Spanish tapes. I hope to do them for the entire week and then every other week in my car alternating with whatever audio book or learning program I am doing at the time. They feel a bit slow, but I need to learn the basics correctly so that I can start to truly get better. So next week is the Alchemist, then back to Spanish and then who knows, since I have a list like no other of stuff to listen to.

You know when people say, "Hey I want to start a Chicano law school group." --> me, yet you know they won't do it. Well I said that to my friend Jane and she told me she wanted to start an Asian Law group. I was like sure, and then she started with group meetings and such, but I didn't think it would become a legitimate group. Well guess what, this group is kicking ass, part of a national group, doing a tsunami fundraiser raffle (hope I win the hotel stay at the hard rock for me and a lucky lady) and all kinds of networking. It really hit me today when the girl next to me who is the secretary for the group was typing up the minutes of their last meeting and I saw all they had done and what they were doing. Way to fucking go Jane! I don't think I could do it, I have trouble just being part of a group, much less starting one. I wish I had that type of spirit.

My older sister IMed me today and told me she had just read my entry and jested that I had no privacy. This is a subject that comes up a lot and that I talk about a bit. Writing all the crap that happens to me and what I am thinking does leave me with less privacy, but it doesn't bother me too much. I do worry about saying shit that might piss someone off, or offend a person checking up on me, but then I'd have to be less honest, so I try to do a good job balancing. It does suck cause I don't feel too comfortable saying shit like, "Dude, saw this fucking hot bitch, man it is going to be cool when we hook up," or "My friend is a fucking cunt." I'm sure the friend wouldn't be too happy, one, that I think they are a cunt and, two, that I just about told everyone too. It would be how I was feeling though, so I would be torn. My, well people know it is just one side of the story part probably won't hold up, but that is why God gave us common sense. Each year I feel like I push the line more and more to talking about more stuff, and though I've thought of just writing on one of those anonomyous journal sites where I could get mad hits, I'm sure someone would be able to find it and then there would be mad incriminating shit, so I might as well just do the balancing thing here. Seriously, I think this keeps me sane and organized.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same. I’m not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You’re not a drug addict. You’re not killing anyone -- except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank god, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again. It probably won’t work out that way, though, since things will keep changing. That’s one thing I know a lot about: whether you like it or not, stuff keeps happening all the time. And not always for the better. Usually not, it seems. But maybe it gets easier. Hopefully that first change doesn’t hurt too much, it doesn’t kill you, you don’t lose any limbs or an eye -- or a friend. Then you figure you can do it again. It’s like when you have to move something really heavy, like a couch, or a car that ran out of gas. You can hardly budge it at first, but once it finally starts to move, it gets a lot easier to push the rest of the way. As long as you don’t stop pushing. So I guess you can keep changing... a little at a time, once you get started. You sort of have to, because if you don’t -- if you stop and freeze up again -- then you still have that same flaw you started with after all. So you just have to take a chance. Push yourself. Take that first step outside the box and hope it’s not too horrible. And enough small changes can eventually add up, until finally you really are different. Even enough for other people to notice, not just you. That probably has something to do with growing up." - Everwood (borrowed from a friend).

Is it easy to idealize someone when they can't do anything to let you down

NFL Playoff Time

"Show me a hot woman on the street and I'll show you a man who is tired of fuckin' her." - Sidewalks of New York

So I was reading and I found out that there are 3 kinds of people. Don't we love to categorize people into a few simple categories, you know, like type A and type B. Well the first is called the dabbler - real exited, then they hit a plateau and quit after about 2 weeks, not getting as much from it...not seem to be making an improvement, you get bored, tired and quit and try another game...Then you have the stresser - gonna make things work, but they push and push and hit a plateau and then burn themselves out and quit. Finally we have the master - way to have success is to practice fundamentals every day and have same acceleration, when hit plateau, then look for ways to hit next level and have patience.

I think I am a mix of the first two, but in certain things I'd have to say I am the final one. But it is true that I do get excited about things and try to change my life, but my life always ends up going back to my old ways. My usual ways are just so relaxing and nice, who wouldn't want to stay up late, sleep a lot and not do much.

When you start to have a positive attitude, things just seem to go right for you. My laptop that dell lost just showed up in the mail. I hope to sell it on ebay and use the money to buy an item on my goals list, either a big tv or a kick ass lcd TV monitor for my computer. I should use it to pay off some debt, but I'll just pretend it is free money. Good times.

Friday night I went to a St. Thomas happy hour with Fed and Frank. I had a good time, but it sucked because everyone went in groups and hung out with their groups, so there was little socializing. I did get to talk to a few new people, but not as many as I wanted. After, I had planned to go home, but instead we ended up at this club. It was a nice outdoor club on a lake with lots of boats. I met this cute Columbian chick there. She came up to talk to me, so I can't be too proud about that. Her cousin gave me shit for not knowing Spanish, the exact words were "pitiful" I think, but the girl said she hated that everyone talked to her in Spanish, so I guess it worked out cause she got to practice her English that night. Fed met a cool chick too. The night ended up being pretty fun, but I am just not a going out type of person, I need to find some bars like those I enjoyed in DC. One thing that really struck me, was the amount of people doing cocaine that night. No shitting, I saw at least 3 different guys snorting while taking a piss and it was out in the open, not even hidden. In a sense I felt bad for them because they wanted to feel good so bad they were doing that shit. I know if I did it I'd be addicted too, but I still think that people shouldn't do coke. I guess I am nieve sometimes about the shit that goes on.

On Saturday, I went running at the park. I also played soccer with Fed. We played the goalie shootout game and even though Fed is great at soccer and I suck, I still won. That was cool. It was nice to get out, get some sun and get in a good workout.

I've talked to my younger sister a bit and the one thing that really gets me when it comes to family members is that I feel so helpless when I can't do anything, especially to make them feel better. I also get stressed when I see them making bad decisions, but really who I am to say whose decisions are right and wrong. I guess all I can do is give advice and stay out of it. Things seem to be getting better and my worrying too much won't help things.

I am now done with the Personal Power II program and Get the Edge by Tony Robbins. Now I guess it is time to actually incorporate this stuff into my life and not just go back to the way I am so used to living. I want to change my life in the sense of making it better. I love my life, I am lucky, blessed and living my dream, but I want more, I want everything and therefore I'm going to out to getting it. I also don't want this feeling of motivation to fade away as it has in the past. This is why I write it here, so that I have to be accountable. I am starting to see that there so so much more than just having that hot girlfriend when it comes to being fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy to be hooking up with some hot chick, but I know better than to think that that is actually a goal rather than just part of the bigger goal of being happy. I was willing to give up so much in the past for a relationship and now I feel like there are things I no longer will give up, not bad things, but things like my interests and friends and goals.

I have a friend whose views on a certain topic I don't agree with. His views on being rich, money, cars, status, and respect are misguided I think. He covets what rich men have I think. He will be rich one day very soon due to his hard work, but he seems to think that money, a good job and a nice car garner respect and admiration, from both colleagues and women. Even if that is true, it doesn't mean you can't have respect if don't have them. I do understand to a point, it does help out a lot, but I don't think it is the end all. Secondly, I think that I know mad poor people that gets lots of chicks and are very respectable. I think you can use it as an excuse to not being happy, but in the end once you get it, you will still be you and if you are not a cool person, your stuff won't make a difference. Like that creepy who wants to marry a millionaire guy, he had it all, but man he was a loser. I don't want to be him, plus what is the point in waiting to enjoy life, why not enjoy it now and enjoy it more later. Though later is so going to be pimp when I have my boat (I don't even like boats, but I want one) and my jazcuzi.

helping people kill time

Poker Night in Miami

There is a story concerning the Buddha, who is in the company of a fellow traveler who tests this great teacher with derogatory, insulting, disparaging, and bitter responses to anything the Buddha says. Every day, for three days when the Buddha spoke, the traveler responded by calling him a fool, and ridiculing the Buddha in some arrogant fashion. Finally, at the end of the third day, the traveler could stand it no more. He asked, "How is it that you are able to be so loving and kind when all I've done for the past three days is dishonor and offend you? Each time I am disobliging to you, you respond in a loving manner. How is this possible?"

The Buddha responded with a question of his own for the traveler. "If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?" His question provided the traveler with a new insight. When someone offers you a gift of their insults, and you refuse to accept them, they obviously still belong to the original giver. And why would you ever choose to be upset or angry over something that belonged to someone else?

- Wayne Dyer, There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, p.39.

Wednesday I met with my torts professor. I talked to her about my exam, but she said that since I did so well that she had no advice for me and to just keep doing what I was doing. I didn't know how to say that I didn't really know what I did so that is why I was in there meeting with her. It was good to see the few questions I missed, but I think I'd still get them wrong if I had it to do again. It was cool how there were two answers you can narrow it down to and how people, me, tend to pick the wrong one. I guess you never think about all the times you guessed and picked the right one. I also used the opportunity to talk to two kids in my class that I never talk to, just cause I don't really know them. One guy even talked to me the next day in class, which just proves that a little extra effort on my part and I'll get to know more people.

Today I was in my torts class when this girl asked me if I lived in Miami lakes. She is a nice cute girl who is in my section, but I don't know her too well. She told me that some students from our section (some of which I know), were going for drinks and she wanted to invite me. I gave her my number to give me a call to let me know where they were meeting. Because of my poker plans, I don't think I will be able to make it, but it was nice just to be invited. This talking to more people thing is really working out. You change your mindset and things just seem to fall into place.

Here is a story you should read and I'll follow up after:

Caught on Tape: Jessica Simpson and creamed spinach don't mix. When a waiter at Smith & Wollensky in South Beach accidentally dumped the pi ping-hot side dish on Simpson's dress Sunday night, some crew members from her MTV show "Newlyweds" laughed, as did a few steakhouse staffers who witnessed the mishap. But the joke was lost on Jessica's hubby, Nick Lachey. After the snickering waiters scurried down stairs, Lachey called over the eatery's manager and told her, "I want those [bleeps] to apologize to my wife!" The miffed Mr. Simpson later complained about the temperature of his filet mignon and finally refused to pay the bill, which also included the order of Jessica's pal, Jamie-Lynn DiScala. A restaurant mole tells us MTV eventually agreed to pick up the tab — and managed to capture the entire spinach saga on tape for use in a future episode.

Here is my information on this small story. Somehow I found out who the restaurant mole was and found out that he called the media to leak this story when it happened. He was upset with Mr. Simpson for being such a rude bitch. Well the media picked it up and hence that clip. Well after, the restuarant got a lot of business and there was a lot of talk about the incident. So later he decided to go to his boss and reveal he was the mole in order to be thanked for all the new business. Well he was fired, and the boss, despite the business was pissed off cause of the negative attention and the calls from all those celebrity shows and paparazi people being around, etc. Sucks for that guy, but I guess he got his 15 mins. I think I might have fired him too, or at least given him a stern warning.

Thursday in Property, I raised my hand to talk and my professor looked at me and then down to her seating chart. I was a bit sad that she didn't know my name off the top of her head, but she ended up using my name a lot in talking after, so I don't think she will forget it. Well I made the harder argument in class and I made it in a very debate like way. I just conceded the crappy points on the English rule and then explained why the American rule was pimp. I didn't plan to get in an argument, but just make a comment, but then we were in the situation where the professor said I picked the harder view and had the class make all these arguments against me and then they would come back to me. This was awesome, I sat there preparing what I was going to say and then when they listed their shit, I came back and responded will my even better shit. There was a point when the class had to make arguments on my side too, so Jane made hers very well and in it said, "like Marty said," (thanks sweetheart!) which was her way of giving me props since she was my friend. I don't know if I enjoyed it more because I got to think and argue or because my name was getting thrown around so much. One guy made an argument and used the statement "therefore you would be screwed." Considering the word "screwed," means fucked, I was worried he would get in trouble, but there was just a bit of silence and then the class went on. That was cool, but I still don't feel like I could use the word pimp, or bitch in my arguments in the future. This whole thing made the class go faster and since I have Friday off, I have a nice break to enjoy being out of class.

Today was also the inauguration for president Bush. I watched it on tv, and seeing his father and thinking about the monarchy we are in just made me feel numb....but I don't want to talk about it. I heard that LBJ had his secret service put itching powder around the protestors so they would scratch and not hold up their protest signs. Roosevelt had his other woman there and one president died from pneonmia because it was cold and he walked to the white house. All cool cause it is true and factual, not just a theory like Lincoln being gay, though I can totally see it, but it is funny how some people are so offended at even the thought. Don't sleep with men and people won't call you gay, very simple rule.

So here is how the night worked out. I met up with the guys for dinner at Outback. It was the first time I ate there since I don't eat out too much here. It was cool finally getting to know these guys (3 guys from my class) and shooting the shit about school and life. The guy whose house we were playing at flaked out, so I offered my place. We all came over and fulfilled my goal of throwing a poker night. I didn't have time to prepare,but luckily I was stocked with drinks and such, so it ended up working out. I was even referred to as a good host. My goal was to throw Thursday poker nights and I hit my goal, something that I think is pimp. We had a lot of fun playing poker and everyone took a liking to Koki, which just proves she is an awesome cat. They were all dog people though and said cats were of the devil. I choose not to argue too much despite the fact that cats don't sell out for their affection, they make you earn it. At the end of the night 100 bucks was up for grabs and I came in 3rd of 5 (still working on my game), which meant I paid 20 bucks for the night of playing poker. I had a good time though. That girl from class called me to go out and have dinner and drink with them, but I declined due to playing poker. It was nice to be invited though and maybe I'll hang out with them another time. It was a good day because it seems to foreshadow many good days to come. I don't have class on Friday because it was canceled, so I got to drink a bit and relax and not worry about getting up early in the morning. Good times my friend, good times.

not in dc

Cold Front

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." ~Paulo Coelho

Monday I had the day off, but I didn't get too much done. I spent most of the day listening to cds and planning out my next few months. Later in the day, I spent some time talking to my younger sister. She is going through some really hard times right now and I hope that she comes out of it a better person who has a better quality of life. I know she is hurting and going through a lot, but I know she is going to grow from this. I can't be there for her in person, but hopefully I can be there for her from here. I told her how now is the time that she must lead by example for her daughter and show her and herself what a strong woman she is and be successful and happy as her best way to show others they are missing out. Considering I have the most experience with get my heart broken in my family, I had some advice to give her, but unlike her I have never been married and do not have children, so I clearly knew the limitations of my experiences. It is her life and we will let her live it, but unlike in the past when I see people I love making decisions where it is clear to see is hurting them, I am now going to speak up and let them know how I feel. They can still make their own decisions and will still be loved unconditionally, but at least my dissent will have been heard. This is the hardest time for her to learn to truly love herself, but events like this force you to find yourself, who you are and who you want to be. She deserves great things and I hope to help her see that.


Tuesday morning was freaking cold, maybe like 50/60 degrees or so. My roommate turned off the heater at night so I woke up freezing. I went to my Torts class not having finished/done my reading. Why you may ask? No good reason, I was just self sabotaging. I figured since I raised my hand a class before to volunteer, the odds of being called this day were slim. The funny part was that I wasn't prepared for that case (one I volunteered for), but worried I might get called on a harder case so I just did my best with my brief and got past it. So today, I get called on randomly from the roll. I hadn't read the case, so I did the confidence thing. I quickly read the facts of the case to myself right before I was called and they weren't too complicated, so I just recited the facts and the holding hoping I wouldn't get any hard questions. I held my own. I felt like no one noticed I wasn't prepared, but this won't happen too much in the future. Why don't I ever get called on the cases I have pimped out?

My 650 clay poker chips set came in Monday. They are awesome and are just like real casino chips. Now I just need to find some poker buddies to have some good games with. I have a few people I can teach to play, but I want some people that have already started playing. For now I will keep up with my poker stars practice, but I do enjoy the social part of the game. Update: Today one of the guys from my class invited me to play poker tomorrow night. Let's hope this goes well.

Tuesday night I finally talked to my former roommate Mark. We had been playing phone tag for what seemed like weeks. It was nice catching up considering we hadn't talked since I left. Talking to him reminded me what a good (or like Rossum- awesome) roommate he was. This guy is pretty damn smart and educated, so I would spend a lot of time learning shit from him. It was cool having someone to talk to about politics, current events, history and life. Then to make matters better, him and his gf had very good hearts and were kind and generous people, which made them very good friends. They treated Koki great and were fun to hang out with. I introduced him to the daily show, which seems to have made an impact. Speaking of, did you know Jon Stewart played a role in getting Crossfire canceled. I know this is up to debate, but I think it is awesome that he is starting to change the world. Mark is coming down to Ft. Lauderdale this semester, so I hope to hang out with him and hopefully play some good poker. He seems to be doing well with his job, masters program and overall life. He was a good friend that got me through a very hard time in my life without knowing it.

Today I didn't feel like having lunch in the cafeteria, so instead I drove over to that diner/cafe in Miami Lakes where I studied the other day. This time I purchased lunch (10 bucks) studied and left my tip (5 bucks - lady was nice and told me I could stay as long as I want) and then left. One I can't afford the 12 bucks or so it would cost to eat there and it was a bit too dark to eat. It was nice though taking the time to hang out alone and just read and eat. It also wasn't worth long trip either since I only have 2 hours and the travel time ends up being half and hour. So I get back and plan to read for class but decide to shoot the shit in the breezeway. This is something you are told not to do because it isn't good for your studying, but in my need to be more social I decided I would try it today and it felt damn good. I talked to some friends and new people about stupid topics, bitched about class and just hung out. I don't plan to do it too much and these are all hardworking good grade kids, but I am glad I did it.

Today I finally got in touch with my old boss Karen from DC. It was great talking to her and catching her up on how I have been doing. What really felt great is that I had such a wonderful report on how I was doing ok academically, socially and how seeing my family was great. I caught her up on some mundane details of my life, and then asked about how things were going. Well, I found out that she is going to have a baby. I was super excited for her. I bet she would be a great mom. Things seem to be going well at work even though right now they are still interviewing for my position (the last person left to the hill), so hopefully she will get someone soon. She sounded happy, which I guess is the most important thing. Of all the people I have run into in my life, she was one of those mentors that you will never forget. She isn't the type of person that works for the money, but because she genuninely enjoys her job.

I also got an email from my coach from sprint football at Cornell. It was great hearing from him. I told him how I was doing and what I have been up to in the last few years. He seemed happy for me. He did go out of his way to make sure I didn't fuck up academically when I wasn't doing too great, so I know I owe him a debt of gratitude for my graduating. I kind of wish I could have been a better player for him, but at that point in my life I enjoyed the game, but I don't think I sold out and gave it my all. Talk about a day of catching up.

I have been trying to think of times that I felt happy, confident and overall great. Absent times in relationships that I felt like that, I think back and I have to admit that I felt my most confident during my debate years in high school. This is funny because hs is an awkward time where I have more unconfident memories overall, but not in debate or mock trial. I am not one for holding on to the past too tightly, so I don't think of it much, and for some reason have forgotten a lot of the details. I haven't forgotten the feeling though of going into a round and sparing on topics I was well versed in. I learned public speaking and learned that if I knew what I was talking about then I enjoyed it, but if I didn't then I dreaded it. It made me always want to know what I was talking about when in front of people as to not look like an idiot. I learned to work in a team and learned to enjoy learning and it cemented the idea that knowledge is power. There was something that felt good about playing lawyer-like and carrying my briefcase around with all my files in it. I hope to feel that way about life; confident, happy, excited and knowing that I'm gonna kick some ass.

why are you different?

South Beach Marty

"I can tell you this much

I will marry just once

And if it doesn't work out

Give her half of my stuff

It's fine with me

We said eternity

And I will go to my grave

With the life that I gave"

- John Mayer - Homelife

Friday has now come and my first week of classes is over. I don't care what anyone says, I feel like this semester is going to be much harder, but I also feel more up to the challenge. I only have one class on Friday and it is at 2pm. This is great, but I worry that I won’t be productive prior to the class on Fridays and end up sleeping in. I need to find a way to make this morning useful so it doesn’t go the way of Saturday and most of Sunday.

A problem I have in class is my attention span. Even if the class is engaging, I feel like I need multiple things going on. I usually chat online with good friends or surf the web, or write here while I’m listening. I don’t know what keeps me from just sitting there and concentrating. I don’t plan to stop doing this because it makes me happy, but I just need to get better at it so that I can maximize my class attention.

A friend of mine needed to go in front of the school appeals board seeking re-admission after not performing as well as they could of last semester. Thursday night I spent some time helping them get ready for the interview. We gave opinions on how to approach it, how to act, and then what to say. We talked about possible questions, possible answers, being honest, humble, repentive, and positive. At some points, the conversations got harsh and I felt like we were almost attacking them, but they did a great job of not letting it affect their self esteem and getting prepared. We ended up getting into some good discussions about life, where we want to go and what our goals are. The next day, things went very well and they came out feeling really good. We still have to wait to get the official word, but I think it is all going to be ok. I guess waiting is the hardest part. Update: They got a call the following day and found out that they were going to have another semester of law school. Crazy how your life can so drastically change in such a short period of time.

There are many times in my life where I choose the avoidance of pain over the desire for pleasure. There have been many times where I haven't fought hard enough for things I really wanted. Realistically, there isn't a difference between being rejected and not doing anything because in the end you still are in the same place. Yeah things can be awkward or something, but it probably won't be too bad or as horrible as I imagine. So right now I'm going after things I want even though I know that it is going to be hard, that I'll be rejected and it won’t be easy. Nevertheless, I know that in the long run I'll be more happy about my decisions. I don't regret risks I've taken in the past, and even the ones that have not worked out, so I am going to take more risks than I have in the past. This goes for everything, from meeting people, to trying to achieve goals to how I feel about myself. This sounds like a lot of bullshit that is easy to say, and I agree it is easy to say, so I hope to really do what I think is the best form of teaching, leading by example.

Saturday was my sister Ana's bday. I called her up to see how her day was going. I got her a digital camera for her to take pictures and be able to share them with everyone. I hope she likes it. Unfortunately, even though I paid extra for it to get there early, my mom was at work, so she hasn't gotten the delivery. I hope she uses this day to really look at her life and start living the life she wants and not the life she has been comfortable with. I'm sure she will do what makes her happy, but you can't blame me for wishing her the best.

Saturday night I went with Frank and Fed to Bongos. It is a Latin dance club in downtown Miami and it was exactly what I expected and more. It was the first time I really felt like I was in Miami. I'm more of a lounge and bar type of person, I enjoy going to places where I can hang out with friends and chat it up over a few beers. I'm not big on clubs and more so on dance clubs. I won’t go into the reasons why right now. This was a dance club, but it was awesome despite my former views of clubs. Everyone there was beautiful and most were great dancers. I had never wanted to know how to dance as much as I did that night. Frank danced away while Fed and I just kicked back, drank and enjoyed the atmosphere and the club. There was one point where this one group of people were dancing in partners and then all of a sudden they all started dancing together. There was at least 6 couples and they were all switching partners, it was pretty damn amazing and it seemed like they had practiced it before, but some people you could tell didn't know each other. I know it was a certain dance, but I was impressed nevertheless. I went up to them afterwards to tell them how awesome they were. I asked one girl about the dance studio she was from and she told me, so I hope to look them up and see what types of lessons they have. Considering it was Miami, there was a lot of eye candy, but there was this one girl there that just struck my attention. It is hard to explain, but I was attracted to her because she looked classy, she was petite, had a plain but pretty face with a soft smile and wasn't there trying to look sexy or trashy, she just looked sweet and cute, simple and happy. Fed didn't think much of her, which made me happy because I could tell she was my taste. We made eye contact a few times during the night and I so badly wanted to ask her to dance, but of course if she said yes I'd be in quite the predicament. So I was going to do nothing and walk away and live life not having made and effort. So, keeping my resolve to be more outgoing, I walked up to talk to her. As we talked, I could see in her eyes that I was just another guy that night hitting on her and she wasn’t very interested. I gracefully bowed out and didn’t bullshit after I knew there was no connection. I don't think I have ever been so empowered by a rejection in my life, as much as it sucked, it felt great because I didn’t go there that night with a goal of picking up a chick, I just went to have a good time so I didn’t care that I didn’t get her number. Now I know that she wasn't interested and I have no regrets and don’t have to lie to myself. I felt so very proud of myself.

Sunday morning I woke up and went out for a run. We are getting a cold front, so it was a very cool morning. I did my one lap (half mile) and then followed my plan of working on learning to play soccer. Playing alone isn't too much fun, but I used the goals they had and had a great time working on my kicking and dribbling. I kept thinking, if I do a little each day of learning something, over time I'll know a lot more than if I did nothing. While I was there, I made some interesting observations. One was that the kids playing organized soccer were very good. I mean the kicks and passes they were making where very fast and crisp and I could tell they could kick my ass. I figured if they can do it, then I can do it. I also saw something that made me feel good. I saw a dad take his two little boys and his daughter to the park to shoot off a rocket. He had a video camera and they all counted down as the younger boy pushed the button to shoot the rocket into the air. As the rocket shot up I wondered how they would get it back, when I noticed that a parachute shot out and it sailed back to their area. The kids were having a blast and as a spectator I thought it was damn cool. I saw another dad with his little boy teaching him how to hit a baseball, the boy was like 5 or 6. I hope when I'm a parent I am as thoughtful enough to take the time to spend time with my kids at the park.

After I was done with my running, Frank called me and told me that he was cooking and if I wanted to go over and eat. I dropped by this Nicaraguan restaurant and picked up some "gallo pinto" rice and then went to Franks. He was BBQing, something I can do, but haven't done enough to be really good at. My younger brother is much better than I am at this. The food was good and we bullshited about school and life. The coolest part of the day was that I was on my way home and then I just went by and had lunch at a friends house, it was a nice change of pace and routine. It is nice to be independent and just pick and go as you please, take trips when you want and do what you want.

I have Monday off from school, but what worries me is that I have done a lot this weekend, but have not spent a lot of time working on law school stuff. People have been telling me with all my goals I have for this year how am I going to study for law school? I don't worry about that because I plan to use the time I don't study for school to pursue all my hobbies/goals.

I want to see you.

Still the 1st Week

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So I'm on this quest to figure out all the secrets of life. At least as far as I'll every be able to understand things. It of course just adds to my main goal of happiness, which I'm starting to see isn't as easy as just achieving, but something you need to maintain. So here is one of my secrets, those dorky nose strips. I bought them because I was getting over this cold and I noticed that I slept so much better. So now I have been using them each night and it is awesome. Now I just need to work on going to bed early, but no matter how tired I am, the hours of 12-2am are just too great for me to waste sleeping. I wish they would let loose the hold they have on me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I really don't get going until midnight, I wish I could get going at 10pm or so and accept that the hours of 9pm and after are not mine and are for work.

So I'm standing in the hallway looking at all the book awards (best grade) trying to see if I recognize any of the names when Ralph and Jane come up behind me and start asking me if I am looking for my name and start making fun of me. I knew my name wouldn't be there, but I guess their comments of me imagining what it would be like to have my name there weren't too off base. I also found out that the girl that got the book award in the class I got an A in, is not only really smart she is also like 20, married and I guess finished college early. So, I won't worry too much about it. An interesting thing I noticed about the people who did very well is that at least 2 are athlethes. One girl used to run track for Miami and I know she still works out a lot even though I don't know if she competes still, but I'm sure she does. This other guy I would see at the gym all the time. This means that not only are they working hard, but they are also spending a lot of time working out, so I can't use that as an excuse as a tradeoff from grades...I probably should use it as a motivational thing. Who knows?

Wednesday morning I woke up early to go out for a run. I showered, drove over to the park and ran a big lap (looked like half a mile to me). Well I was hoping to run about 4 of those laps, but just one killed me. I was very tired. I then just ran sprints in order to not have a short workout. I am most proud that I was able to get up that early (8am). There was a miscommunication with Frank, so we both ended up at different parks. I don't yet know how motivating the buddy system will be, but I'm sure it should be helpful. The main problems now are keeping this up, adding the workout component and finally the need to fight taking a nap when I get home so that I can try to make normal sleep patterns. (This did not happen and I took a nap).

Wednesday after class, I took my truck to get washed. It very much needed one and I hate to drive around in a dirty car. I read something today about how guys are neat, but girls are clean. So even if a girl is messy, she is usually still clean and guys can be neat, but are usually still dirty (ie dust all over), though I guess as a guy you can be both messy and dirty.

Well I had an hour to kill so I dropped by a cafe in the vicinity, which was more like a diner. I had eaten lunch already so I wasn't hungry, but I ordered a coke and sat outside. There were like 2 or 3 old men inside at the bar and no one in the eating area, but it was during slow hours, so I hope they didn't mind me sitting outside (many tables and I was the only one out there). I sat there listening to my personal power, writing this entry and thinking about maybe studying. I got some of my briefs done, but I didn't get much reading done. I had many people comment on my doing work outside, but I never took the opportunity to foster conversation, mainly because I was distracted with the cds I was listening to. I need to become more friendly and bullshit more with people rather than just being quiet or short and plain. If you know me you know I can talk a lot (maybe too much at times), but to strangers, I'm not as talkative.

One guy who mentioned my working on law school stuff, I acknowledged, but did not really talk to. Little did I know I'd run into this guy again. He and his friends where also getting their truck washed. As I walked up to get my truck, I saw them talking to the man who worked there. Now let me give you some background, this is a small carwash that is pretty much just a car port with 3 guys that handwash your car. When I have gone in the past, it always costs 20 bucks and the man who runs it is about 50 years old and this day, he had two early 30 year old men working for him today. All 3 worked on each car. So I hear this one fucker ask how much it costs (after his truck was washed) and the man told him that it was 20 bucks. He said that he paid 10 bucks last time and would only pay 10 bucks. The man told him that 20 bucks was the price and that is what it cost. The law student then decides to be a legal dick and say that there is no sign that says 20 bucks and he won't pay 20 bucks unless there is a sign. I guess he is trying to use technical legal crap, but the car wash man tells him that he doesn't have to pay, but that he will take down his license plate number and call the police. Now I get pretty pissed off because these guys look like dicks, I mean these 3 guys worked hard on his car for at least an hour and a half. Now if you do the math for 90 mins of labor and have 20 bucks divided by 3 and you have about 5 bucks a piece, which doesn't include costs of the soap and overhead. Now you only want to pay them 10 bucks, you might as well fucking ask for them to wash it for free I think. I mean the cheapest you can get an automatic 5 min car wash is 6 bucks. I wanted to tell the guys they were being dicks, but I thought about it and it has his money and his deal, so I was going to stay out of it, but now I know their faces and they will forever be dicks in my book. I went up to the car wash man and paid my 20 bucks and gave him a 10 dollar tip. This was a guesture of good will considering the bullshit he was having to deal with with these other guys and for him to know that not everyone is a ass. I don't have a duty to be our brother's keeper, but I think its a good thing to keep in mind. Hopefully too he will remember me and put in that extra effort when I get my truck washed next time. I also noticed my front tire was low and got that fixed. I worry sometimes that I trust that my car is in good shape and don't do things like check my tire pressure or other things that could go wrong. I change my oil when I need to, keep it clean and gased, but that is all I tend to worry about. I am not one of those car guys, which I don't mind because I don't plan on working on my cars in the future.

So I mentioned that I have my writing TA class at 8am on Thursdays. Well I did my best to be up for it, but just like I feared, I overslept. I rushed to school, not taking my morning shower and arrived at 8:20am. First of all, that is awesome that I was able to do that. Well my class ended early (at 8:19 and it should have ended at 9am) and I showed up and it was only the TA in the room. I apologized and she let me sign in, the only reason I rushed over for. Let's hope next week I do better. I'd have to say that staying up until 2am last night probably did not help
things. They might change the class to another day or 8:30am. That would be nice I have to say.

Today I dropped by and picked up an application to attend summer school in Spain. I have to put $150 down, but I know I will get accepted and that feels great. I know there are a lot of great ways I can spend my summer, but I feel that I have to take advantage of this. The program ends on June 24th, so I will still have all of July to enjoy my summer and who knows maybe even work. I just need to get the paperwork done so that I can't put it off.
My internet has been down for the past few days. Yesterday my modem came in and I waited for it in the living room, but before the UPS guy showed up, I fell asleep. Hence, I didn't answer the door and he left it in the office. I picked it up today after class and now my internet if up and running again. Feels real good.

Let Lynn out, she will thank you.

Round 2

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it...It's called the principle of favorability, beginner's luck. Because life wants you to achieve your destiny." - Paulo Coelho

School has now started again. This is my second semester of law school. I don't think I am ready to get back to the grind of reading case after case, especially considering that I have a stack of personal books in front of me that I really want to read. It is like I'm trying to walk up an escalator that is going down, so if I just stand there and do nothing I get farther and farther
away from my goal, but each step is much harder than usual. That is what I like about breaks, it is like the escalator stops moving, and though you can do work, at least if you don't you don't fall behind.

I need to get used to my new schedule. I loved my schedule last semester, mainlybecause I didn't have to wake up too early. This semester my schedule isn't as good as I wanted. Mondays and Weds are good, I start at 10:45, get 2 hours for lunch/study then class at 2pm and then I'm done. I like that. But Tuesday Thursday I start at 9am and then have another class right after at 10:45pm. I am done at noon. This might seem good to morning people, but I'm not liking it, I have no time to study between classes, so I have to do my full work the night before, then to make matters worse, Tuesday's I have a class at 6:30pm, which means I have to come back to school and then just because I complained, on Thursday's I have a TA session (mandatory class) at 8am. Crazy I tell you. I don't even know when my dean's fellow's are yet. Friday's I have one class at 2pm, which I like because it lets me sleep in Thursday night. I also found out today that I am in the top 15% of my class, but had I got that .1 more I'd be in the top 10%. I talked to my writing professor and found out I was the highest B+ and I missed my A by one point. That is life I guess.

The beginning of a new year and a new semester tends to give one a lot of motivation. I want to cash in on this right now while I'm still pumped because I know that soon life will go back to normal. I hope to finish up Get the Edge and Personal Power by the end of the month. I have downloaded a lot of other audio books, so it will be interesting to see how many I actually listen to. I still am not feeling the school thing, but I'm sure I'll pick it up again.

There are things I talk about over and over, but the more I think about them, the more they come up. One is what I would call the nice guy bullshit. Most guys want to be good guys, but there is a fine line between not being an asshole and just being a pussy. I think when you like someone, you have to fight the impulse to be a pussy because if someone can't respect you, they
probably won't like you and I really doubt will truly ever be able to love you. You also don't want to deny your own feelings just to play a game since what use is being with a person if you can't enjoy the feelings you have for them. I'm sure it is a balancing thing, something you learn with every relationship. The one who cares less seems to control the relationship and is usually the one to end things. (not liking as much) It goes back to the just be yourself junk, but I guess that is the best you can do. Either way, this isn't even an issue for me right now so I won't stress.

I tend to think of myself as a victim a lot more than an asshole. I guess it is easy to do that because when I am an asshole, I apologize to myself and easily forgive myself and move on, but when I am a victim, even if I forgive the person who hurt me, the feeling lingers and I am less easily forget it. So when I think about it in general I feel like more of a victim than and asshole, but it might very well be the other way around. I can quickly think of all the times I have been hurt or screwed over, but it takes me a long time to think of all the times I have hurt other people and I'm sure I probably have forgotten a few of those. Either way, a victim mentality sucks and it is not a problem I have in general, but there are times when it is just too easy to feel sorry for yourself.

I miss ya.

Art Deco

“You’re a tower of strength. You are like a great portrait over a fire place; words have been invented to describe women like you. Flinty, impervious. I think you are formidable. You use your strength to separate yourself from everyone, but it’s thrilling when your defenses are down. That is your winning combo.” - Something's Gotta Give

My friend Terri came to visit me in Miami. It is always nice to have guests and I want to become a good Miami host, so this should work out as great practice. Terri is quite the interesting girl, a girl very different than I have ever met before, a girl I don't understand. She is one of those beautiful and very confident people, yet you feel like you have to get around this wall to ever really get to know her, but you know it will be worth the wait. She is a great person to talk to though and even though romantically she is not an option, she is a great person to know and it was great to see her.

So I start off the trip on a bad foot. I get bumped off my early flight, so the later flight I take gets me to MIA at 4:58pm. Well Terri gets into Ft. Lauderdale at 5pm. There is no way in 2 mins I can get my stuff, take a cab home, get my truck and pick her up, so she ends up having to take an expensive cab. I felt terrible about it, but there was really nothing I could do and I explored all my options, but I don't know too many people here and the ones I do know work.

Well I purchased a Frommer's Florida Guidebook as featured in Eurotrip so that I could learn all the touristy places to go. Weds night we watched Lost and Alias, two of her favorite shows and shows I had never seen. The were both actually good and I can see why there is such a following. We ordered food from Kitchen Chicken or is it Chicken Kitchen. Oh real quick... so when I get home I was so very happy to see Koki and Mia. Koki had lost weight, so I guess her weight management food is working. Koki was so happy to see me and I felt bad for leaving her, but my friend who took care of them did a great job. It is great to know there are people you can count on and it good to know those you can't. I don't know if I was more excited about seeing Terri or having her meet Koki. koki took a quick liking to her, it almost made me jealous to think it took all that time for Koki to like me that much and now she was all over Terri. Mia was still scared, but she was doing her laying down 3 feet away from us thing, so I'm letting her take that at her own pace.

Thursday we started the day going down to Coconut Grove. I have heard a lot about that area, but had never been there. We went to the Coco Walk and had a late lunch at the Cheesecake factory. It was nice talking and catching up. So much law school talk, I can't really help it, but it is what is going on in my life right now. After we walked around and bit and then drove over to South Beach. We drove down Ocean drive and then went to Lincoln Road. We walked around there and saw all the shops they had, but we didn't do too much exploring.

Once we got home, I went to buy groceries and then we watched the OC while I cooked dinner. We usually chat during the OC, so it was cool actually having her there to talk to about it in person. Since my cooking skill are less than minimal, I put together some hamburger helper and some chicken rice. I feel like it turned out ok.

At night I was going to take her out to Coconut grove, but instead decided to go to South Beach instead. We started off at the Delano, a very nice hotel with an outdoor bar near a wading pool. The place looks awesome and is a great place to have a drink and meet up with friends before going out. After we went to this club called Mynt. This was the same club where the velvet ropes would not move for me and my friends because we were guys in the past, but thanks to Terri, we got in with no problem. The club was nice and actually reminded me of Dragonfly in Dupont in DC. We had a good time and it had been a while since I had gone out and had fun.

On Friday, we slept in because we got in late. It kind of sucked because I wanted to get up early and go to the beach, but sleep always outweighs. We finally did get up and I took her to eat at Pollo Tropical. It is a Miami staple and I think everyone should eat there. It was 80 degrees outside, all 3 days were beautiful come to think about it, so we ate outside. After, we drove over to south beach. Of all the time I have been here, I had yet to see the beach, much less set foot on it. I learned from my guidebook that the sand is hard packed by the army corp of engineers and only a small strip near the water is soft. We took a walk on the beach and it was nice, but I think my expectations for the beach were too high. The sand wasn't that great, there was a lot of litter, too many men, and over all it was just ok. If I had to rank the beaches I have seen in my life, I'd say they would be Cancun (white sand), Puerto Rico, Santa Monica, South Padre, Daytona, Miami, Virginia Beach and Atlantic City. The sun was going down so I didn't have to worry about getting burned or even getting a tan.

Saturday I drove her to the airport. I was pretty quiet on the trip. I said goodbye and now life will be like it never happened. Just moments I guess, just a bunch of moments, some better than others, some eternal, these, they were nice. I learned some good things about myself during these few days, things that only give me more hope as I move forward.

Now that I look back and reflect on this trip, I feel like I am on my way to becoming a good Miami host. I am learning my way around more and learning where things are. I need to talk to more locals and find out the hot spots and fun things to do. It totally sucks that I didn't get to take pictures, but some people just don't like taking pictures, which means you don't get to have any tangible memories. Anyway, this is going to be my Miami semester where I really take advantage of this city, maybe even learn to surf. I hope it ends up being fun.

sucks to be a good boy

Time to return

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." -Ambrose Bierce

This is one of those trips home where I am really going to miss leaving. Usually it is bittersweet and I am excited about leaving, but this time I felt so relaxed and comfortable that going back to be alone on the East Coast seems a bit scary. I know I'll get back into the groove of things in no time and I do have some great distractions once I arrive as well. I really do think you appreciate home more when you are away because I know if I lived there I'd probably not view it as wonderful since the daily stress of life would be more important to me than the big picture of seeing my family. It was a break that not only enjoyed, but needed as well.

Today is a big day for me, I finally got my own website name. http://www.martinalaniz.com/. I figured it is probably a good idea to own my own name and since I have a website already, I might as well just use that one. The drawback is any shred of anonymity I might of had before, is now totally gone. I figure I won't worry about it too much and if I happen to upset people, well at least I'll know it wasn't intentional or if it was, then there must of been a reason. If you think about it, what I write is just a small snapshot of some of my thoughts, but I'd hate for people I don't see too often, like family or friends I don't keep in touch with to judge me exclusively by what I say. Then again, I don't worry too much because I enjoy writing this crap cause it lets me vent and my own little form of therapy.

I'm going to start at the end and work backwards. This flight experience to Florida sucks, and I know travel horror stories are plentiful and boring to hear, but mine is just sucky, not the worst, but right now I'm not enjoying it much. First off, I get sick. I am hopped up on all kinds of over the counter drugs and it feels like it makes no difference. I went to the corner store to get meds cause I felt too sick to travel the vast aisles of walmart and I didn't know what to get of my marked up selections. In the end I just got what was most expensive since common sense might reason that it costs more because it is better. I know this is faulty logic, but I feel like I do it a lot as a consumer. So I was so sick that I got pulled over by a border patrol agent prior to going through security. He asked me if I was an American citizen, a question I took my time to answer and gave a perplexing "yes?." Then he looks at me and my indifference, not knowing that I want to yell out "house slave, you fucking Mexican house slave" in his face, but I had already been bumped off my first flight and since I had a guest coming to visit, I couldn't risk missing another flight due to giving this guy an extra hard time. He then asks me where I was born after looking at my license. I once again delay and act like I'm thinking and then say the name of the city
I was in, McAllen. He reluctantly let me go, but next time I tell you, my answer will be "que?" and then "si!" I know he is doing his job and all, but though I understand the need for border patrol, I feel that their abuses go unnoticed and seem justified to people since they view Mexicans as less than people. I guess anyone of color has less worth, something that society instills in us that we either ignore and feel good about feeling equal, or see and try to at least make people be honest about it. I then walked throught the metal detector with my phone in my pocket, I was sleepy.

Ok, well back to the Texas part of the story. The end of my visit was nice. I went to Harlingen with my nieces, Bekkah and Jamie and my mother to see my grandparents. Their ionic breeze I got them seems to be working well. We did the usual thing and went out to eat and talked a bit. As much as I enjoy talking to my grandparents, the language barrier keeps me from getting into really in depth conversations, ones I wish I could have before they pass away. I guess that will only add to my motivation to increase my language skills, so by next Christmas hopefully I will be closer to that.

My younger sister Eliza invited me over for dinner. She cooked enchiladas and rice for me, my mom and older sister. Eliza is known for her great rice, something I still don't know how to make. The meal was great, and I hadn't had enchiladas at all on my trip, and them being one of my favorite foods, I was very happy to have them. It did make me think of how Vero used to make them for me when I was down, so it was nice of Eliza to remember that and kind of pick up where she left off. Eliza is living in a very nice apartment, much nicer than I had expected. I had wanted her to move back in with my mom, but after looking at her nice place I can see what it would be hard to give that up. I hope though that she can see that paying rent on a place is not owning it and that it is in her best interests to work until the end of the summer, then quit, move in with my mom and finish up school. She doesn't have the motivation for it right now, especially since you have to compare it with working where you not only get positive validation for a job well done, but also a paycheck that helps you feel independent. Whereas in school, she sees 2 long years ahead, with classes she might not do well in and no clear picture of what she would want to do after. So she is picking the short run over the bigger picture...and I agree that in the short run her plan of action might be fulfilling, but she knows there is no future in it, she knows that no matter how hard she works there will be a ceiling, that 30,000 will be the salary she will work up to after many many years of work not much harder than that she would end up doing with a degree. She might think she can live off of something like that, but I think goals are important, and she needs to find the self worth in herself to know she is worth more and have higher goals for herself. I know lectures won't work, nor will trying to pressure her to make this decision until she decides it for herself. Somehow though, I feel like if she doesn't start in the fall, then the road will not only be uphill as it already is, but circumstances will make it even more difficult, the circumstances of which I don't know yet, but in life they always come up.

I saw the movie Meet the fockers. I wasn't too much of a fan of Meet the parents, though I did find it funny, I found it hard to watch. The fockers on the other hand I really enjoyed. It really hits your deep rooted childhood mindset where you think everyone else's family is perfect and yours is so abnormal or dysfunctional. It has the good old "be yourself" message. It had a few good laughs, but I would recommend it as a rental never the less.

Imagine this, a $900 vacuum, only one room with carpet and a good salesman. I guess you can sell ice to an Eskimo. Then the vacuum doesn't even work and you don't raise hell.

The day before I left I spent some time with my father, just shooting the shit and then we drove over to his property so that I could see the progress he has made. This is a cool thing about going home, I can see his house get more and more built. The framing for the roof is now going up and I think in a few months he should have a roof. Once that is done, I think he will really be able to start working on the inside and it will begin to take more shape. I was happy to see that all the walls were up and that progress was still being made.

For whatever reason I had not gone to visit my sister Vero in the cemetery. I felt like I talked to her enough when I prayed, when I write on my website and during that day that I didn't have the need to go, but there is still something about being at the place where your sister was laid to rest. Now let me tell you something, my sister died almost 2 years ago and would you believe that my fucking brother-in-law "Jaime Castro from Edinburg Texas"(hope you pick this up google), has yet to still buy a tombstone for his deceased wife. It really makes my blood boil. Because he was the husband he is the only one who can purchase the stone and he won't let us do it. I have not talked to him since the funeral and if it weren't for my nieces who I love very much and don't want to jeopardize not getting to see, we would probably be more proactive about reminding him of what a disgraceful asshole you have to be to leave my sister's resting place pretty much unmarked. It was almost 5am and I went to visit Vero and I couldn't find it. It is sad that I have to look for other people's tombstones, just to find out where she is buried. I told my nieces that all I wanted from their family for Christmas or ever was for him to finally buy the stone, hell we'll even pay for it, all he has to do is give us legal permission to put one there, but the bastard just lives at home under his mom's control doing nothing about this. He told his girls that he was going to order one and then later said it wasn't the right time. Really, am I irrational here, I mean 2 fucking years, seriously man, but he is the father of the two girls who I see not only as nieces, but as little sisters so our hands are tied. I do feel ashamed for not fighting harder, but from a distance it is easier to be mad and not do anything then to be close and have to risk the shaky relationship we have which lets us see the girls every 2 weeks or so. Really, I can't think of a legitimate reason and if he did indeed have one, you'd think he would share it, you know so I could tell him how stupid he is to think anything is more important.

I've been doing ok playing poker, but I know I have a long way to go. I want to learn to play more aggressively, but it is hard when playing against new players because they will call anything, even with crap cards and it of course ends up on bad beats for me. The two times I played I got to the final showdown with Rick heads up. Both times I lost, which means that I need to learn a good heads up game cause that is the barrier between me and the money. I hope to keep up my study and practice of poker, but I just haven't found anyone here that plays much. I don't want to hang out in the casinos because I'm not that good yet and would rather get my practice in on a home game. Also, my online games are gonna start costing me soon.

I hate when you know how things are going to turn out, but still have that hope it might be different.

Looking forward to the days to come

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to change the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E.B. White

Welcome 2005. 2004 was a good one, a year of a lot of change and emotional ups and downs. I'm in a completely different place than I could have ever imagined a year ago. I wonder what 2005 has in store for me. Change is always uncomfortable, but I forsee a lot more change in the next year and moreso in the ones to hopefully come.

Abram went back up to San Marcos for New Years, and Ana threw a party at her place. I went there for a while and spent time with her, Eliza and my nieces and nephews and then I went to Rick's place where we had a BBQ. Juan was the resident chef and did a great job on the fajitas. We had a good time and ended the night playing a bit of poker, which went well for me, but I learned that my heads up play is really lacking. This year I have a lot of things I plan to do, but they are not resolutions, just goals I figure I'll work harder towards. Like the list of books I want to read, the list gets longer and longer.

Today I helped my mom put away the Christmas tree, despite my objections that we wait until after 3 kings day. This was the first year I learned about a food you eat on new years and how you are supposed to eat grapes. You learn something new all the time I guess. After putting away the tree, I noticed my mom's make up bag, and then it hit me, it was the gift I got her for christmas last year. Well it wasn't a makeup bag, but a bath and body works bag she now uses for her makeup. So now I know that it was a good gift. I helped her order a dell computer online, since she is getting more computer literate and the one she has is so messed up it isn't even useable for anything, maybe not even typing. It won't come in until after I am gone, but this summer when I return, I hope to set it up for her now that she will have had lots of practice with it.

Today I spent a lot of time watching football. The Texas v. Michigan Rose Bowl was amazing. Herbert called me from the game in the fourth quater and it was so loud, he was having a great time. Texas won on a last second field goal and I learned V. Young was an amazing athelete.

People always say it is easier to give advice than follow your own, which in practice is so true. When I talk to other people about their decisions and choices in life sometimes I find myself really talking to myself. It is so clear when you see it from out here, but inside it never seems so clear. So I have learned that hearing other people's problems really helps me deal with my own. Right now I wish people would make decision based on what is best in the long run, not was is easier or less bad in the short run. Sometimes we don't feel like there are options, but that is because options were not something you learned to look for.

I was told a funny story and told it was true and recent, but it has gone through the grapevine a bit. So this lady was driving her car on the way the mall and hit a cat. She stopped and felt so bad for the cat, she wrapped it up in paper and took it with to bury it when she got home She gets the mall and doesn't want the dead cat to stink up the car so she puts it in a neemun marcus bag she had in the car and put it outside the car to get when she finished her business at the mall. This other lady saw the abandoned bag and walked nonchantly next to it and picked it up and walked with it into the mall. She takes her stolen bag and goes to the foodcourt and sits down to eat. She then looks into the bag and is horrified and starts to scream and falls and hurts herself. They had to call the ambulence and maybe she was passed out I think. So when they get her, they put her in the ambulence and then some good samartian notices her bag and gets it for her and then they put it on top of her in the ambulence as the door close. Moral of the story, don't steal stuff cause it might be a dead cat. According to the story, the people saw her hurt and all, but didn't claim the bag because they feared getting in trouble and explaining the dead cat and why it was in the bag and why a stranger had it since it would be more trouble than standing quiet and I think laughing a bit.

time to move past just potential