Reese Witherspoon

"I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF TRAINING, BUT I SAID, 'DON'T QUIT. SUFFER NOW AND LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AS A CHAMPION." - Muhammad Ali

After class on Monday, I went to the gym and ran. When I got home, I showered and was still very tired from my 3 hours of sleep the night before. I tried to stay awake, but at about 8:30pm, I just fell asleep. I did wake up at 10:30pm to take a welcomed phone call, midnight and then again at 7am in the morning for work. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done for today. You would think I would be all refreshed the next day, but I was still tired, but there is a life to live.

Today the Academy Awards nominees came out. Reese Witherspoon is nominated for best actress for Walk the Line, and I think she is going to win. She did a great job, but I still feel like that Phoneix guy did an even better job as Johnny Cash.

A movied nominated for best documentary was Enron. I actually saw it the other day with Mark. It was very damn good. I knew a little bit about Enron, but this documentary really explains what happened and how evil and greedy people can be. Mark actually watched it again later with Shawna.

My aunt is going to Texas to visit and my mom asked me if there was anything I wanted her to send back for me. Off the top of my head I couldn't think of anything, but I'm sure there are things I would want like tamales or something I forgot at home. The problem is that most stuff I miss can't be brought, like Whataburger and my grandparents. So I need to think of something soon.

I got my ultrasonic humidifier because of the dry air in my room, but the white dust it covered my room in was just not worth the tradeoff. Well actually, as bad as the white dust is, there is just something about being able to sleep and not wake up with dry skin and a dry mouth. So today I got a warm mist humidifier. It isn't as cool as the one I had before, but hopefully it will solve the white dust problem. (white dust - minerals in water). It gets really hot, so I worry about that, but maybe it will help warm up my room.

Today Alito was confirmed. I guess only time will tell what happens now that that court has been shifted to the right. I have a feeling that it won't be good things. I don't think Roe is in any danger in the short run, but I am sure it will be narrowed significantly at every chance they get. I wish mid-term elections would get here already.

The Superbowl is Sunday. Have I shared this? I'm cheering for the Steelers...hopefully the Bus will get his trophy before he retires. I heard that A&M was suing the Seahawks over the 12th man. You'd think they just get over it. This is making them look petty. I bet that most people have to give up their new years resolutions on this day. Chips and pizza, lots of fun.

someone once told me...the best way to get over someone is to get under someone

Groceries

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you." - You're Beautiful. James Blunt.

I'll start with the continuing saga of my mornings with Mia. Last night I was up late writing a paper and by the time I was done and able to fall asleep, it was past 4am. It gets harder and harder to sleep when you see the minutes you'll have to refresh counting down. I kept thinking, less than 3 hours of sleep, damn. Well 7am comes around and I quickly turn off my alarm clock for a few minutes more of sleep. I might of overlsept, but Mia came to the rescue. She once again got on top of me and started pawing my face. Luckily, the night before I cut her nails, so I wouldn't get anymore scratches across my face. She must of noticed the lack of pain because she then proceeded to bite me. Yes, Mia fucking bit me on my arm. She acted like nothing had happened and meowed so I could go feed her. And where is Koki through all this, on the floor waiting for Mia to do her work. When I get up, she jets from her spot towards their feeding dish.

On a more serious note, I have mentioned how my grandpa is currently in a nursing home getting better from a stroke he had. I have been to the home and it wasn't as bad as I feared, yet when I am away, they never cease to find ways to piss me off. The first thing they did was break his hearing aid. Some idiot decided to take him a bath with it still in. So, water plus hearing aid equals a broken hearing aid. My grandmother had to find a place to fix it and it cost her a lot of money she didn't have. Somehow they blamed it on him for not telling them. Then the other day, they found a way to one up that one. There is probably nothing more tied to your dignity than your teeth. My grandfather, like most people 95 years old, wears dentures. Well guess what? They lost his teeth. He had them on when my grandmother left one day and the next day they were missing. He has never lost his teeth in all the decades he has had them, and now that he is under their care, they are gone. Once again they blamed him and said he probably dropped them somewhere or left them in the bed and they just took all the sheets, teeth too. So now he has to get new teeth, which is also freaking expensive. Guess who has to pay for it? Money aside, it won't be until a week he can get fit for them, and then at least another week to get them. And this whole time, he can only eat liquid foods and can't talk b/c he doesn't have teeth. It is hard not to get angry when a person you love has to go through shit like this above and beyond the torment of being in a nursing home. My aunt knows of the situation and is complaining, but since she is in Dallas, she can't do much. My grandmother can ask questions, but she has to go there daily and she is too kind and gentle to get them to change.

I went out and purchased a punching bag. I also bought a stud finder and installed the bag myself. (will probably return the stud finder). I bought the bag not so much for the possible workout, but for a great outlet of stress. Nothing feels better than ripping into a punching bag and getting all your agression out. Who knows, maybe in a couple of months I'll be a boxer or ultimate fighter. Then again, it will probably go the way of the heart rate monitor, soccer ball, tennis racket, bed lifter, steam iron, chess board and procrastination book.

Today is such a beautiful day. I try to say that sparingly, but it is very uncharacteristic of January. 62 degrees in the middle of winter. This is the warmest January in DC on record. Ironic that I continue to bitch about the weather. It is going to drop significantly tomorrow, but for today I am going to enjoy it. I wish I had more outdoor activities to do.

I was on my way home from work and racing to get home. I'm going 55 mph in a 30mph zone and I think, damn I am probably going too fast, thank God I didn't get a ticket. Then out of nowhere, I get flashed. I know in my mind that a cop is up ahead so I slow down to a genius 45 mph and look for a cop. No cop, but then out of nowhere, there is a cop standing in the street pulling me over. He had his car hidden and he was out by himself with his gun. I get tagged for 45 and at 5 bucks a mile, that puts me at $136. That was a nice guy who flashed me, but I'm an idiot for not slowing all the way down.

hanging out on your bed while you needlessly pamper your cats

10:30 p.m.

"If you keep jumping from branch to branch you will end up a very lonely monkey. "

"I don't understand why you would want to be with someone that does not want to be with you."

"You go from day to day hand to mouth and wonder why your unsatified. Love is a marathon, you can't always get what you want from everyone."

- Love Monkey - quotes and lyrics

I downloaded and watched the first episode of Love Monkey. It was pretty good and really put the 2nd episode in context. The show has a lot of promise, but then again I really liked the show Ed, yet I stopped watching it after a while. Of course it is still early, so I'm going to to have wait and see if the show gets better or begins to drag. I'm still addicted to Lost. I'm very happy I made an agreement to watch the first season. It is one of the most TIVOed shows I hear. I have all he OC tivoed, so I figure I'll start watching it soon so I can catch up. Sometimes I feel like watching TV is homework.

Thursday there was a HLSA meeting at school. I attended but pretty much just sat there quietly. There was a lot of talk of doing community service and I admire those people that can go to school, work and still go and help kids read after school. I used to do a lot of that kind of stuff in college, and a bit in high school, but now it just seems like that could be time I should be studying. If I am having trouble making time to get to the gym, how am I going to make time to donate it. I probably need to figure that out.

Thursday night after class, I got home and just started drinking. This might not be the best habit to start. I finished my Maker's Mark bottle and just kept on drinking. By the time Mark got home from class I was pretty drunk. The daily show and cobert report were just as good I think. Knowing I wouldn't be able to get to sleep, I figured I'd drink some more and watch Crash. I've had that movie for a long time and just never watched it. I liked it. It was very unique. I didn't get to bed until 4am...much worse than my usual 3am. So waking up at 7am this morning for work, with a hangover, was no easy task. So far I seem pretty much there, but its usually in the afternoon when I really crash after getting a terrible night sleep.

Mia is getting terrible at waking me up in the morning and seems to get worse by the day. In the past she would just lay there on my legs while I slept. Then she would get on top of my chest at like 6am and sleep, knowing it would wake me up so that I could go and feed them. The problem is she is so heavy, it affects my breathing, so I have to get up. Well now, she just fucks with me...she lays on me, paws at me, licks me, everything possible so that I can get up and go feed them. Her nails are getting long (I need to trim them), so her pawing was scratching me this morning. I don't clearly recall all her techniques because I'm half asleep, but I have memories of being very bothered, annoyed and uncomfortable as she tries to get me up. It is so ironic, the one cat that won't give me love for shit, gives me the most attention at the one point of the day where I most want to be left alone, the morning. Do you know I leave my alarm set for 7am on weekends just so I can wake up and turn off the alarm and go back to sleep knowing I don't have to get up until I want to. It is a great feeling. Maybe one day I'll want to get up at 7am...but I doubt it. I guess it makes sense why I am so tired in the morning.

I understand that life is full of ups and downs, but sometimes those downs are hard to beat. I guess it is better to go out and make the ups instead of just waiting for them. I hear the weekend is going to be very beautiful, so I guess that is a good start. Then again, what is more important is what is going on in the inside.

Every dog has his day

I Guess I Don't Know What to Say

"As you think, so shall you be." - Proverbs

Last night I started drinking, really for no purpose. I didn't feel like reading and I have been having problems sleeping, so I figured maybe a few drinks will help me sleep. I do understand that drinking actually doesn't make you sleep better, but it does make you fall asleep, so I figured it was worth it. Drinking begets more drinking.

I woke up in the morning and rushed to get gas before I drove to work. That half hour trip just gives me so much time to think. That is where things always go wrong for me. So I did something that used to make me really happy when I was younger, spend imaginary money. I have already figured it out, if I won a million dollars, it would be gone before I knew it. So first I tried to figure out how to spend a million dollars, including helping my grandparents, parents, siblings and paying off my own bills. In the end I'm left with very little and am in a situtation where I still need to work etc. So then I decided how many million dollars do I need so that I can have money after I'm done spending it. (see how this can be fun thinking while you are still asleep driving to work). I decided 100 million is clearly a good amount. I'd never have to work again, I'd be able to put away a million for a rainy day and help all my family, make investments and even open up businesses, law firms and non-profits. So, the plan is to work hard on making that million dollars before I am 35, but if I am lucky and happen to win the lottery, then I'll have a plan on where to spend the 100 million I won. Oh yeah, a large donation would have to go to the church, but it would come with strings, such as, how they can spend it, what programs I would want it going towards etc.

Yesterday I saw that new show Love Monkey. I didn't really like the name at first and missed the pilot, but I think that guy who used to pay "Ed" is a pretty good actor. I actually enjoyed watching the show. Hopefully it gets better and maybe I'll have to add it to my list of shows.

I learned that yesterday, Jan. 24th, is considered the most depressing day of the year. I'm not sure how the study figured that out, but I guess that makes sense considering how its in the middle of winter.

The other day I found a website that made me laugh. It is called www.stuffonmycat.com . I thought there might be some cruel pictures, but I found none, just a lot of funny things on cats. Now I find myself put all kinds of shit on my cats. For the most part, they just lie there.

Ok, here are some of my lottery winning ideas for when I win a muti-million dollars. 1 million - put away in savings never to be touched. Grandparents - build house - home medical care and medications - Mom - new house - retirement - trip with all her sisters to some Christan convention in a nice place. Dad - a truck - build home on his property - money to develop his land - facilities for his chickens and retirement. (I'm assuming my parents won't have to work, but will still work until they want to.) Kids - 100,000 each. Ana - homes for everyone. Eliza - home plus college paid for. Abram - pay off his college and grad school. Bekkah and Jamie - college trust funds. (My other nieces and nephews too). Myself - well I'd start with a home plus toys to fill it. Then on to a car. I only want one, but a good one. I'd pay off all my bills, which is a big chunk. Koki and Mia would get all their shots. Friends - I'd help them out too. I'd also have to figure out my investments, savings and charity projects. I don't want to spend it all and be left with nothing...so I'll have to figure out how much I can throw around and how much I'll need. It's so messed up, but thinking of stuff like this makes me feel happy, but then sad after I remember I haven't gotten rich yet.

tape lost for me!!!

The Special

"You're a fool for love

What he wouldn't do for love
He's a fool, fool for love
Born a fool, you got to
Follow the rule, always a fool
A fool for love ...

Last time I saw him alive

He was standin' up on the bride's side

Yelling his objections at the groom

The blushing bride was my bestfriend

She turned around and to him said

Yes you were my only sunshine then."

Fool for Love - Sandy Rodgers

At work for lunch I like to eat at this small sandwhich and ice cream shop. I've never had ice cream there, but it is worth mentioning because I think that is the main thing they sell there, except now probably because it is winter. It is a small business and the same 3 people work there everyday. I should probably get to know their names because I go almost daily. I've need been great at variety. If I like something, well then I have that. As a kid I thought that I could live off twinkies. Man they were great, with their sugar high and sweet cream filling. Breakfast lunch and dinner if my mom would just buy more of them rather than chicken. So everyday I go in with the stress of, what am I going to get today? Do I want the same thing? Will I like it? Well this place has a daily special a different sandwhich each day priced a whole 20 cents less than a normal sandwhich. Crazy savings I know. Well now I just get the special everytime I go. That way someone else makes the decision for me and I don't have to worry about variety. I mean if it is some thing I know I'll hate then I go with my standard, but it is a great way to try new things and not have to worry about what you feel like eating. It is such a smart idea I think and you wouldn't believe it, a majority of people seem to order the special and I can't imagine it is for the 20 cent savings (off like 6 bucks). So today I went to get my special and my diet vanilla coke (wonder why I drink that now) and instead of going late, I went early and what do you know, they had like 10 specials ready to go. I therefore got very quick service.

It is always the morning that you get to work 10 mins early that your boss gets to work half an hour late. So in their mind, you could of gotten there 20 mins late, who knows. To make things worse, let me tell you about last night. Again I had trouble sleeping. I figured that waking up each day early would make me feel so tired that come 11pm I'd be ready to fall asleep. At some point sleeping 5 hours a night will lead to me just falling asleep on time. Well that point is always the weekend it seems. Last night, I was up until 3am. The worst part was that I tried to go to bed at 12am. Had I known I'd waste those hours tossing and turning, I would of used them to get some more reading done or maybe even watch an enjoyable movie.

You know what I think is a dream job, being a writer for the Daily Show. You get to share your opinions on politics in the best type of way. I want a job I enjoy like that when I grow up or you know grow up more. Then again, I don't know if I could that day in day out. Maybe I need to have a lot of different interesting jobs, so when I get bored of one, I can move on to the next one.

Well earlier I mentioned how I went to bed at 3am. Well to make matters better, after work I have my longest day of class of the week (until 7:30pm). I had a few options, go home after work and sleep...go to one class, hit 2 or hit 3. My first impression was sleep, but I actually did my reading for my classes, so sleeping would be a waste I think. Then I thought well what is my biggest concern? being called on. I'm just not completely awake and probably will not give great answers, but I figured I'd risk it and attend my first two classes and maybe duck out of my third.

There are times when I am driving and I am very tired. I usually call up a friend so we can chat and they can keep me company so that I don't doze off or at the least make it easier to fight that feeling. Well here in con law I'm feeling like that right now. I'm trying everything to stay awake, but man all I can think of is my bed. I also have a class right after this where I don't even leave my seat. Luckily that professor is loud, so I'm sure fear will keep me alert.

Here is a flashback. In high school I had this girl friend (great girl) and when I left for college we decided to stay together. We did better than most couples and lasted until Christmas break. So now it is Christmas, now I'm home, now things are supposed to be awesome and instead we end up breaking up. As painful as it was at the time, a wonderful thing to happen to me. Well after about a week or so, she changed her mind and decided she wanted to get back together. She was geninue and told me how sorry she was about her mistake and that she would make it up to me by earning my trust back and showing me how much she loved me. I believed her. I was wrong, and we broke up the following semester. Again, great decision, don't get me wrong, but what I'll never forget is how I believed her. The point of all this is that I learned that people's actions mean more than their words. They might mean the words with all their heart, but how you treat someone is more important than what you tell them. I also started to understand that life doesn't end when you get your heart broken, that its going to happen again and again (and I'll accidentally do it to some people) until the day you find that girl that is insane enough to be happy with you and all your quirks.

I didn't call to be your friend

That's Gross Baby

"And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me I guess I need you, baby. At night I pray That soon your face will fade away." Everytime - B.S.

Sunday as a nice and relaxing day. I spent it watching the NFL playoffs and being lazy with Koki and Mia. I got some laundry done and did a little cooking. I studied for a while and of course did a lot of thinking. I feel like I am always thinking.

We finally got our bills for the last 3 months. The way it works is that we live in a house with a person living upstairs and someone living downstairs in the basement. The guy downstairs pays the bills and we pay him back. Well, he gives us a bill about every 3 months. We got this bill and damn our gas bill for Dec was through the roof. $87 for Nov. and like $500 for Dec. So, Mark and I paid a bit more to compensate for the dramatic increase in price. Part of it is increasing gas prices, but another is just our heat and I guess we have it too high. So now, we have lowered it and our apartment isn't as warm, somewhat cool, ok cold. Thank goodenss I got pajama pants from my sister for Christmas, because I really need them now. I am also glad I have a down comforter, which does an amazing job at keeping the warm in.

Sunday night I thought I would be able to fall asleep sooner. I felt this relaxing feeling after I got off the phone, like a weight had been lifted, but as I lay there, my mind would just not let me sleep. I wish I could just fall asleep at 10pm and wake up refreshed. This is really driving me insane, but I also know a part of me just doesn't want to go to sleep, maybe because it means that when I get up tomorrow will have come.

I did watch a CNN presents on the Teacher in Space. I remember a little bit about it, but back in 1986 I was only 6 1/2 years old. She was really excited about being able to teach from space and was so very proud to be a teacher. I wonder if people see teachers today like they saw her. I found it interesting how her family made their town a memorial to her, while her husband dealt with it a different way, by not talking about it and secluding himself. I wonder how I would of dealt with it.

Work was a bit slow and I wasn't as productive as usual, but still managed to get a lot of things done. I went to class and then to the gym. Today I increased my speed in running, but not my total distance. It is hard to figure out exactly where I'm at, especially without trying to hold myself to the standard of when I was running regularly. The water I had from my brita tasted terrible, I think I'm just going to quit buying that. Mental or not, bottled water tastes better to me.

Monday nights are the worst reading wise for me. I have 3 classes on Tues, so it really piles up. Luckily there isn't anything on TV that I watch, so I have more time to read. Of course, it probably doesn't count when you are using that time to write.

it's funny, but I still find the lizard tongue very gross

3 a.m.

"Motivation will almost always beat mere talent."- Norman R. Agustine

Yesterday after work, I went to Dicks Sporting Goods in Fair Lakes. I didn't have a map of the area, so I have to admit, I got really lost. Not lost as in far away, but lost as in, I knew I was within 1 mile of the store, and I could find every store, but Dicks. I finally stop off at the mall. I thought about doing some shopping, maybe getting some shoes or some jeans. I went in to one store and found a nice pair, but they didn't have my size. The mall looked really nice, but my goal was to go to to Dick's, so instead I just left and drove around some more. I finally find the place after trying every combination of turns possible and damn the place was huge. I purchased some things I needed, but somehow felt like I was in a rush. I actually had no where to be, but I did know I had about a good half hour drive before I'd be home. I also picked up some shoes, but I don't know if I am going to keep them. I've never owned a pair of new balance, so I figured I'd give them a try.

I got some important phone calls out of the way during my trip. I talked to my grandmother. Well I found out that my grandfather was put back into the hospital yet again for the 3rd time Thursday. I think it had to do with his diabetes. This must be so stressing on her, each day having to travel back and forth and the possible loneliness of going home alone at night. I pray for my grandfather everyday, but I just don't understand how each time the doctors say he is getting better, yet it is so easy for him to get hospital sick. I understand 95 is very old, but he is a very strong man. There is nothing I can do from here, and even from there I can't really do much either, so I have to accept my powerless situation and hope for the best.

I also talked to Herbert. It had been a while since we had last talked and it was good to find out how he was doing and the important events going on in his life. We talked about a friend's wedding, which we haven't recieved invitations to yet, but I'm sure I'll be getting on at some point. He is living the after grad school life, which isn't as glamourous as I would of imagined. I'm sure opportunity is coming soon for him, but like everyone else, I feel like his biggest obstacle is knowing what he wants to do with his life, what does he want to be?

Today I got my replacement 26in monitor back. It feels good getting off of that 17in I was on this entire week. It saddens me that it will probably break soon as well, so I need to call and see what my options are on extending my warrenty. It feels good to have things back to normal.

I miss football. I know the super bowl hasn't passed, but Saturday isn't Saturday without being able to watch college football or at least some NFL playoff game.

I finally got to see the movie Erin Brockovich. It had been a long time coming, but I enjoyed it. I used some time while I was putting some stuff together to have it on in the background. I have read a lot of stuff saying bad things about her, but I just have a hard time believing that all those people got sick from other causes.

Today I finally got my tax sticker. I am very happy because I always get $40 tickets for not having that stupid sticker on my truck. Now I feel like I am formally a resident of Virginia. Fuck, I live in Virginia, who would of ever thought. I also got my apartment bills for the last 3 months. Damn our gas prices for heat was high. Imagine one month $87 and another like $500. Crazy ass shit.

Mark is going out of town on Sunday and will be gone until Thursday. I guess I'll have the place all to myself for the week. It can get pretty quiet around here, but I can use the time to do some cleaning. I hate when I let things get dirty, but that is how I live my life, clean up, then let it all fall apart, then clean it up again, and bam back to shit. Everything it seems is like that.

I still need to buy some $200 diesel jeans

Stars on my Calendar

"I knew much more then, than I do now." - U2 - City Of Blinding Lights

I'm a big proponent of gmail and today gmail just became perfect. The main problem with gmail is that there wasn't a delete button, but instead you had to pick it out of a list. Today they added that button. Now I have no complaints. I wish google had website hosting. A lot of people say the stock is over valued, but true or not, the company is great. I can't wait until they come out with their operating system. I don't think I would be bothered to transfer from windows.

Fridays are unique days for me. I don't have any class, so instead I go to work all day. It is my one full work day during the whole week, even though most days feel like full days when I go from work to class and don't get home until 8pm. I could be not working, but I think I'd rather be productive. My problem is that I get very tired after 1pm. I just lose a lot of energy and feel like I need a nap. I think schools and workplaces should invest in small cots where you can go take a quick nap or just lay down and rest for a bit. Nap time would be so awesome...15mins to eat lunch and 45 to nap and damn my hour lunch break would make me a productive animal (I could only guess).

Have you every felt like you were going crazy? I usually don't feel this way, but lately I have been so fucking restless, it is unbelievable. I have stuff to do, so that isn't the problem, but I just feel like something is not right and it is just eating at me. I probably just need to relax, get my mind off things and stop worrying so much. I guess stuff can only bother you if you let it bother you, but I'm awesome at letting shit bother me. In my past I have friends who I felt crossed me and I just moved on...they probably didn't cross me, but I made it bother me and that was enough. I don't think I can just not have expectations for people. Maybe more reasonable, but where is that line?

I wish I loved you like she loves him. (so do I.)

Still watching Lost

"I will miss you. And your very slow typing. And your very bad driving." - Love Actually

It feels better to start working on this page again. But is much easier to babble here than to actually get the website working and updated. I wish I had more pictures to update. I'm still pretty happy with Blogger, so I think I'm going to keep using it. Hopefully a lot of updates will be coming soon, but it has been years and I don't seem to care too much about the structure it seems.

I was talking to a friend about their relationship the other day. You can really tell how much someone loves the person they are with by the way they talk about them. Not only the things they say, but just how they same them and how their eyes look. I guess I'm usually really judgemental about peoples relationships and rarely feel like I see people that truly care about each other (above the normal caring about the person you are hooking up with).

I have been trying to copy tapes to mp3. The problem is that I like listening to audio books and our library has some for certain topics, but it doesn't have a lot of cds. Hopefully I'll be able to copy the tapes to mp3 and then CD so that I can listen to them on my own time.

I saw a someone I used to know's away message today. I found out that she got engaged a year ago, for the coming fall. I have such a hard time seeing people I have known as married. I guess I have yet to have a close friend who I knew when single, get married and then know them when married.

A friend of mine lost her job. It as no fault of her own, but that just really sucks. The one thing I found interesting about the story was that she got paid for the rest of the semester as if she had worked. Nevertheless, she was still pretty upset about the way things turned out and how certain people can be such jerks. It really got me thinking about work and why we work and if it is for the money. I think the money is a big part, but of course not the only part. I don't know what I would choose if I was given the choice of no work + pay or normal working. Yeah, I'd probably choose the no work, but I'd have to find another job, mainly because of the need for experience and connections you make with working.

I never play the battle of who can care less because I'll always start that battle losing.

Cold and not playing

"Stay far from timid.

Only make moves when your heart's in it.

And live the phrase

'Sky's The Limit'." - Coldplay - (the 4 lines-I think)

What a miserable morning. I wake up to the sound of loud rain and a numb arm. I sleep with my arm under my pillow, which sucks because you cut off circulation and end up waking up with an arm that feels tingly. I leave my house early, but it is dark, foggy and raining hard. This kind of crap isn't great for raising your spirits. Then as i'm messing with my tape deck (yes, I said tape deck), I miss my turn and get caught in traffic trying to get back to that spot. I wasn't too late to work, but I was worried the entire way because of how bad the driving conditions were.

I increased my phone minutes recently because no matter how hard I tried, I kept going over. This was with me trying to hold back on talking. I have a feelings I'll get to start racking up some good rollerover minutes. I wish more people had Cingular...I've said this before, but I had my chance to change to Sprint and didn't take it. Maybe next time.

Outside of my work is an ice skating rink. You can see it from the windows in my building. Maybe I should go sometime.

Today I signed up to work at my same job for the summer. I'm really enjoying it and it should be helpful to get some full time experience here. Moving somewhere for the summer would be fun, but I just can't afford it (I have a lease) and I'm pretty damn blessed to have this job (though today it took me 50 mins to get here). I could try to get another job, but this job has everything I would want. I'm finally starting to get in the swing of things.

My legs are sore. I'm trying to get into the swing of running before I start getting healthy. This means that instead of doing anything else, I'm just trying to run for half an hour (and increase from there). My legs are starting to hurt. I should probably buy some new shoes, maybe I'll go shopping on the weekend.

I wish I had two rooms. An office/everything room and a bedroom. In my office would be my desk, computer, TV, my lazy boy (I'm going to get one this summer I hope), and all my stuff. The other room will be my bed room, with my bed, clothes, alarm clock. That way my room would be for sleep and my other room would be for spending my time. I don't like having the two mixed. The one thing I can't figure out is how I'm going to fall asleep watching tv. I like to set my sleep, but when I finally decide to fall asleep, I just turn off the tv, but it nice to know I have that.

I bet Mia would beat tari in a race, but only because she runs from fear and not from happiness...but Mia will burn out first, so I guess it depends how long the race is.

Walk the Line

"She went in the house adn got her lap desk and a candle lantern and came back to the chair. She inked her pen and then sat and stared at the paper until her nib dried out. Every phrase she thought of seemed nothing but pose and irony. She wiped the pen clean on a blotter adn dipped again and wrote, Come back to me is my request. " - Cold Mountain by Chareles Frazier p. 344

I have a pretty awesome 26in dell lcd tv i purchased last year on Feb. 5th. Well it broke last semester and I had to get a replacement. Well now, a few days before my warranty ran out, it broke again. It just won't turn on. So I'm going to get a replacement, but after the 5th I'm fucked. Dell has a new 26in, but it sucks compared to mine in the ways I care about. It has better picture, but mine has picture in picture. The new 32 in has picture in picture, but not dual tv tuners, meaning that you can't watch another channel on p-i-p. So I really want mine to work and don't want to ask to upgrade or anything like that. For now I'm going to use my 17in. Fun times.

The other night when we were out, we were talking about life and life plans. I feel like everyone else, I can solve everyone's life problems and tell them what to do concerning career, school, love and anything else they need advice in. I think I would be a good life coach, and it could be a good career. I'm doing a decent job with my own life I think (I'm even proud of my relationships, even though they weren't the ones that led to marriage), but I'm also following the generic plan...school....school...work...school...job. So I sat there and talked to a few people telling them what to do. They would try to interupt me and tell me how they were already doing some of those things, but I just told them to wait and hear my plan and if they were already following it, then they were doing a good job. So anyone out there, you need help, just send me an email and I'll tell you what choices to make and what plan (or maybe even plans) are best for you. I could hire a life coach to come and tell me to study instead of watch football, but I wouldn't want that, I want to do it on my own (well not do it I guess).

One of my concerns about last semester is that I would fail out and do very terribly. Not all my grades are in yet, but from the ones I have gotten, I think I am in the clear. They are nothing to be really proud of, but I'm going to get to stay in law school. I am really proud on my high con law grade, considering my entire class was in there (well most) and I did better than more than half of them. After all thise stress I have been dealing with, today I found out some useful information. I haven't gotten all my grades, so I wondered how 1Ls would know they failed out and how unfair would it be to tell them a few weeks into class. So I ask a friend about that, and she tells me that here they wait until after the spring to make that determination. So you can do terrible 1st semester and just make up for it 2nd. If you fail classes, or fail out after that I think they give you a few options. Either try to increase your gpa over time, start over the next year as a 1L or re-take some classes. So I'm in no real danger of not getting able to finish this semester and I can now start highlighting my books.

I moved from DC to get law school started, but also because I wanted to get away from a place where there were people that emotionally affected strongly and I wouldn't have to worry about running into them, etc. I call this idea my 4 DCs. The first DC was the one I experienced when I first moved here. The 2nd DC was the place were I was now single and trying to get my life in order. The 3rd DC was the one of my 2nd year of law school and wanting to spend my time in Maryland. And now, my 4th DC, a whole new place, a new experience, once again starting over.

Life goes on with you. This is a lesson I have learned. It always feels good to feel important, but there are times you see how you are not essential and that hurts the ego. All the friends I have had in my life, are now living great lives and unlike before, I'm no longer a large part of them. Another example, is law school in Miami. I wasn't the most social person, but I did have a few friends. Every person I have talked to from my old school that I wasn't too close to has told me, oh I was wondering what happened to you. I didn't know if you failed out or transfered or what. I guess I wasn't that important if people don't even know where I dissappeared to. So the story of, that Marty guy, he was pretty smart, he transfered to a school in DC.

In college there was a girl who I had a crush on freshman year. I've told this story before, but she ends up getting married and going to St. thomas for her first year of law school. Then her and her husband move to NJ or NY and she transfers to Rutgers to finish. (last year). It is kind of cool that I ended up following her plan too. I guess this is because she was a smart girl, so I must be making good decisions.

I have a little bit more than a year to decide which bar I want to take. Here are my options, TX, FL, CA, and VA. Where do I want to live? Or is it more important, what do I want to do? I have time, and I have narrowed my list.

I woke up really early on Monday to go to work. I went to bed late on Sunday. I was super tired when I got home on Monday night after a full day of work, and I thought I'd crash at about 10pm. Well I could not keep my mind from running, my stomach from hurting, so before I know it, it is 2am. So I wake up again at 7am. This lack of sleep is going to catch up with me, but I don't know how to get my body to sleep at 10pm. Even sleeping pills are not helping. Maybe I should get prescription strength shit.

Did you see the Golden Globes? I didn't. But I did notice my Reese Witherspoon did very well and my movie Walk the Line did great as well. That was a great movie, I'm glad it was recommended.

So I have created a calendar for my week and the hardest part is trying to work into the calendar a time for working out. Here are my options, early in the morning. Well this is just never going to happen. I have to be at work at 9am and it more than half an hour away. This means that I have to be out of my house by 8:25am. This means working backwards, for an hour to work out, I would need at least 25 mins to shower and dress. Assume 1o mins to get there and 10 mins to get back. plus the 1 hour workout. So that means I must leave at 6:40am, and assume 10 mins to wake up and get dressed and bam 6:30am wake up call. Go to bed at midnight and that is 6 1/2 hours of sleep - 1 1/2 less then needed and 2 1/2 less than I need.

Working out at night also doesn't work for me because, well I just hate hate it. honestly an ideal time is about 10-3pm time frame. So Monday and Wednesday I work in the morning and have class until 4:45pm. So then I'll work out from 5pm-6pm and dinner. All we have left is tues and thurs to figure out. I work then class until 5:15pm and another class at 6:15pm till 7:30pm. So the plan was to suck it up and workout after class, but today I said fuck it and worked out b/t 515 and 615, which means I have to come to class in workout clothes. luckily no one sits next to me. Lets see if I can keep this up.

harder for me

Walk Away

I stole this from a friend's blog....I don't agree with all of it, but silver linings are always good.

Walk Away
When people walk away from you: let them walk. don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to . LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help himself...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. Get Right or Get Left.. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

Inspirational Thoughts for All: by Carlos Pinho

Ok, I get it, let it go. But that also means to give up in some cases, and the little engine that could taught me to never give up. I'm torn..

MLK - Let's pretend we are equal

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It is Martin Luther King day, so I get the day off from school. I came in to work today because I have missed a lot of work due to being sick and with all the things I had to get done with the first week of school. It is nice to be back, and honestly, I really enjoy my job. The cases they work on are exactly what I would want to work on once I'm a lawyer. I wish I could be providing more benefit, but I think as time passes I'll start to really help out. Today I got to work on a will and some LLC stuff. I need to get used to waking up early...this is the story of my life.

This semester I plan to do that working and going to school thing, but for real this time. This means working during the week before I go to classes, which will make my weeks very long and filled with either working, class or studying. Since studying is the only time I can convert into free time, I need to make sure I'm better at that this semester. It will be colder, so I will be wanting to just sleep, but I have a feeling that things will start to pick up.

I don't want to talk about this much, but Terri and I broke up late last year. Sounds like a long time ago right. It was back in early Dec., but I just haven't felt like talking about it. Since I haven't been writing, I haven't said much about it, but it is probably for the best because it is stupid to share your thoughts on a relationship while you are in it. Instead I tried to share them with her...well, probably shared too much. It hurts, but I'll try not to talk about it too much.

Sometimes when relationships end, you think, maybe she will miss me once I am gone. Maybe then she will see what she had and be sad that she lost it. I have felt like this in the past, but in this case, I do not. I feel like she knew what she had, but it wasn't what she wanted or was looking for. The same way I knew what I had and even though there are many things worth fighting for, I knew she was just not the type of person that goes to Epcot. I thought that maybe I could be that kind of person too, but alas, I could not do it. Is there a person that will match your way of thinking, way of feeling, or does one have to change before they can find that person. I like who I am and though I'm always trying to change for the better, there is nothing on the large scale I want to change.

The web can be an awful big place, or an empty one considering the things you have to do on it and the people you have to talk to. When there is somone online you just can't wait to tell about how [insert moment here], it is very nice. When there is nobody you want to talk to, well then things are different. You cell phone can feel this way too.

I tell all my friends, "Don't Send me forwards!" I don't care what dying kid I can save or how much money Bill Gates is going to send me, I don't want it. Much worse is if I will be cursed if I don't follow them. Well of course I have a friend who breaks this rule all the time. She sent me this, so I filled it out and posted it on my page, well because I wanted to make my entry longer. Note that there was no email forwarding of this message.

So here is the survey:

( ) smoked a cigarette; ( ) crashed a friend's car; (x) stolen a car; (x) been in love; (x) been dumped; (x) shoplifted; ( ) been fired; (x) been in a fist fight; (x) snuck out of your parent's house; (x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back;( ) been arrested; ( ) gone on a blind date; (x) skipped school; ( ) seen someone die; (x) been to Canada; (x) been to Mexico; (x) been on a plane; ( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire; ( ) been skiing; (x) been to a concert; (x) taken pain-killers; (x) love someone or miss someone right now; (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by; (x) made a snow angel; ( ) had a tea party; (x) flown a kite(x); built a sand castle; (x) built a snow man; ( ) gone puddle jumping; ( ) played dress up; (x) been lonely;( ) fallen asleep at work/school; ( ) used a fake id; (x) watched the sun set; ( ) felt an earthquake; ( ) touched a snake; ( ) slept beneath the stars; (x) been tickled; ( ) been robbed; (x) been misunderstood; (x) petted a reindeer/goat; (x) won a contest; (x) ran a red light; ( ) been suspended from school; (x) been in a car accident; ( ) had braces; (x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night; (x) had deja vu; ( ) danced in the moonlight; ( ) liked the way you look A long time ago; (x) witnessed a crime; (x) questioned your heart; ( ) been obsessed with post-it notes; ( ) squished barefoot through the mud; ( ) been lost; (x) swam in the ocean; ( ) felt like dying; ( ) played cops and robbers; ( ) recently colored with crayons; (x) sung karaoke; ( ) paid for a meal with only coins; (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't; (x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose; ( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue; ( ) danced in the rain; ( ) written a letter to Santa Claus; ( ) been kissed under a mistletoe; (x) watched the sun rise; (x) blown bubbles; ( ) made a bonfire on the beach; ( ) crashed a party; (x) gone roller-skating; (x) had a wish come true; ( ) worn pearls; ( ) jumped off a bridge; ( ) ate dog/cat food; ( ) told a complete stranger you loved them, Just for the Heck of it!!; ( ) sang in the shower; (x) had a dream that you married someone; ( ) glued your hand to something; ( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole; ( ) kissed a fish; (x) sat on a roof top; (x) screamed at the top of your lungs; ( ) done a one-handed cartwheel; (x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours; (x) stayed up all night; ( ) didn't take a shower for a week; ( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree; (x) climbed a tree that had a tree house; (x) been told by a complete stranger that you're hot.

tests are terrible, but is it worse that she failed the test, or didn't even care to take it

Cinderella Man

"Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath." - Solon

Today my sister Ana turns 34 years old. There is going to be a time when I am home and I can go celebrate this day with her. I haven't been home on the 15th, probably since high school, but I can add that statement to a lot of things. I bet when I turn 34, I'm going to feel a lot younger than I consider her. I guess it is like when the younger brother asks the older brother if one day he will be older than him. She is a really good older sister, someone who is easy to admire, strong, and a good role model.

Friday night, I went out with Mark and Shawna to a bar Mark read a review about in the Post. It was called the Science Club. I don't go out too much, not because I don't enjoy it, but I just don't have a group of friends to go hang out with. That is what I enjoy the most, just going out and drinking and talking it up. Well everyone has their plan to open the perfect bar, one that will suit their needs and fill that void we all believe exists. This is meant to be that type of bar, but it isn't yet the magic place. It was pretty laid back, and we had a great time there. After, we went to Dr. Dremos where we finished getting drunk and M&S played fooseball. I had a great time that night, but drinking just makes me useless the next day.

Saturday night, I watched Cinderella Man. This is a very good movie and I recommend it. I always try to look at the different relationships in movies and figure out exactly what type of people might be out there. It made me start thinking of stuff that has nothing to do with the actual characters and such, but creates this entry. The most important person who needs to believe in you is yourself. You just can't count on other people to believe in you. I think this is the reason a lot of people either do well or fail. The only person that should truly care about your success is yoursef and everyone else is just an added benefit. The problem is that even if you believe in yourself, an accomplishment means nothing when you don't have people there who were behind you and believed in you too. A person that can see your potential, potential you don't even see, who thinks you can do anything you put your mind to, who will stand by you no matter how badly you fail and help you get back up again, is a person that is very special. This is also the type of person a lot of us want because it is a good crutch. Someone to let you know what is and is not possible.

This type of person is an uncommon person that we all would like to be, but rarely are. I can do great things in this world alone, but I would rather do them with a person I love, who supports me, believes in me, loves me and I her. I want to be that person for someone else, want them to know that I am there for them and will never give up on them. Their achievements will mean as much to me as my own and their failures will be our obstacles. Despite all the gayness of this, in short, is it that hard to find a kind, sweet, caring and loyal person who wants to take on the world with you. I know I can succeed alone, I have done it and will continue to do with it. I try to do what I can to get better at that, but personal achievements mean nothing if they are only for feeding my own ego.

I've been watching the playoffs and so far every team I have been cheering for has lost. I am glad that I am not a betting man. Now that New England and the Colts are out, I don't know who I want to win. I guess I'll just sit back and watch. I always hates when football season ends because other sports I don't find as fun to watch.

I have been trying to de-clutter my life, but no matter how much I throw away or try to organize, I just own a crap load of clutter. I wonder what is it about me that makes being messy feel so normal. Who knows?

Some people just don't care.

MySpace

"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted." Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

Friday has come and now I am done with my first week of classes. It has really set in that I'm going to have to do a lot more reading than I did (or didn't) do last semester. I feel like with school and work my every minute is mapped out and I'll never have a break to just relax. Ironically because of that fear, I end up spending lots of time relaxing instead so that I won't feel that way, but it just doesn't feel as good I guess. It leads to a lot of unfinished work and a lot of internal stress.

So I joined MySpace. You'd think they would merge all these sites (classmates, myspace, friendster, facebook, etc.) so that everyone could be in a central place. I haven't seen the market solve for this shit yet. Well point being, it is the one site I like the least, yet, I seem to have run into a lot of people from high school on there. It is pretty cool to see what everyone is up to. Some people are married, some with kids, some single with kids, some just single, but nobody seems much older to me. I do think MySpace is the most ADHD one of all the sites. Each page is like a crazy annoying website filled with all kinds of crap, but somehow it seems to be winning. I heard it has some connection to aol or something. Just like anything else, I'm sure I'll forget about it soon.

I wish I wasn't as boring/bored. It is probably the shitty food I eat that makes me always feel tired and bored. I need a hobby, some sort of outlet to feel like I am making a difference. I still got another year to wait until I have to start making real decisions for my life, so I might as well figure out some stuff now.

I love gadgets. Maybe it is cause I'm a guy, but they just interest me much. It might also have to do with the idea that I might one day buy the thing that will finally make me happy. I remember the first thing I thought I needed to make me happy, he-man and every character from that series sold. I ended up having like 2, and my dad told me he would buy me one every few months, but knew I would forget so I never called up that promise. Well now I have a slingbox, this thing lets ya watch tv from any computer...well your home tv. I think it is awesome. Just like my dvr, I know there are a million uses for it, but I have yet to use it to its full potential.

kind, sweet and caring

A Second Chance

"How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time." - Fred Brooks

I'm going to take a swing at writing again. I've taken a break since I finished my first year of law school because of all the changes and chaos of my life. Here is the quick summation of where i'm at. This summer I worked for the Court of Appeals in Edinburg, and I got accept to George Mason School of Law for transfer. I moved back to DC (well Arlington), and am in a relationship with Terri, who passed her bar this summer and is now a lawyer. I'm living with Mark again, have a part time job for a small law firm, and am in my second semester of law school. My aunt and uncle moved to VA because my uncle got a job with the FBI. My aunt has a stroke in the late summer, but is doing so much better now. My grandfather turned 95 today, but is still in the hospital from a stroke he suffered about a month ago. He is getting better everyday, but there seems to be enough scares every few weeks. Between these lines is more information than I have time to write about now.

But picking up where I'm at right now, this is my first week of class. I'm trying to get a feel for what class is going to be like, my routine and my workload. It will probably take a few weeks to really get set. I'll talk more about this later.

I'm going to keep this short since it is an entry to just get started, but I wanted to quickly mention that Texas is the National Champion in college football (a bet I won against Mark) and how I won 40 bucks playing poker at night.

I guess I got lazy.