Cooler People

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

As I try to move people to myspace because everyone is there, I had a friend who said the funniest thing. "Thanks for the myspace invite. It's hard keeping up with facebook, much less myspace, but I've heard it's where all the cooler people, who don't have college email accounts/degrees, are." It made me laugh. Like I have said before, other sites are much better and 14 year old girls don't get abducted there, but somehow so many more people are on this place that it is just easier to keep up with one site. Classmates.com....ha ha ha...that site sucked.

On Sunday morning I went to pick up my sister, mom and niece. We drove back to my place where I took them out for dinner. It was the last day of their trip and I'm sure they are ready to get home. I got the movie Cars for my niece which I think she enjoyed. It was father's day, but my father was unreachable. I think his phone was disconnected. The plan was to celebrate it next weekend because everyone will be home then. At night I slept on the floor, which made me really appreciate my bed. Either way, I'm always too sleepy in the morning to run. I want to, but all I want to do in the morning is sleep.

Mark almost qualified for the World Series of Poker. He was just a few spots away from winning the 12,000 dollar grand prize. Me, I'm still playing low stakes.

I got to see Atari this weekend. She wasn't looking very good. It just made me feel sad that she had to have this sickness.

A friend had asked me about our high school reunion. We graduated in 1998 and I always for some reason thought it would be in 2008. It is actually in 2007, which would be 10 years from our senior year homecoming. Homecomings are when reunions are right? Other people do this differently, but at least now I know how our school does it. I'd be happy to help out, but I wonder who is going to put it together.

6:38

Night of Cards

"A town with money is a lot like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it, and damned if he knows how to use it." - Simpsons

We set up a poker night last night and we had 5 people playing. It was a 20 dollar buy in with 25-50 cent blinds. I had 21 dollars to my name, so I sat down to play. I don't think I have ever been happier to lose at a night of poker. I forget exactly how it happened, but I think I had a pocket pair, an overcard hit the board and I went on in to take my pre-flop raises. I had been tight until that mistake and Mark holding the overcard and a 2nd pair (he had two pair all night) called. I didn't suck out that final 10 and lost my buy in. Then I remembered I had a secret stash of 20 bucks in my truck that I put in there and forgot about because its for emergencies, like for gas or such. Well this was as close as it was going to get. I got my 20 bucks and bought back in. Another guy lost 20 later and bought in for another 20 after hitting up the ATM. Andrew later bought in again too. So now we have 166 dollars on the table. (the six is a long story). Mark dominated all night and he was drunk. It was uncanny. He played great, but he also played anything and hit two pair a lot. My defining play of the night, the play that saved me was actually a terrible play on my part. I had started playing trash, despite all the book knowledge I have that it makes sense to play tight in a loose game. I had 9-3 of diamonds. Flop comes out d d K. I have a dimond draw. I incorrecly decide to put the pressure on Andrew and bet 6 dollars, all the money he has remaining and hopefully take down the pot. There are two players in front of him. The first player folds his K with low kicker. Then the unexpected happened, Mark goes all-in. He was supposed to fold. This gives Andrew great pot odds to call, so he calls and now I'm sitting there trying to decided if I should commit the rest of my chips. I know Mark isn't on a draw because going all in would just be stupid, but wouldn't it be more stupid to call an all in with a 32% chance of catching. I think about it for a while and I figure, I'm the underdog, but if I hit, the payoff will be amazing and I already have a lot of my stack in there. (Later we figured out the pot odds and it was close, probably still not worth it). I call and Mark flips over one of his favorite two pair. But then Andrew flips over his A-10 of diamonds. Usually I'd be crushed here, but I was happy that the side pot was big enough to where if he did hit it, I would still make money. If we both missed, Mark would get all our money and the game would end. We hit a 4 of diamonds on the river and Andrew wins the main pot and I win the side pot, making about a 5 dollar profit. I got really lucky. I got more agressive after that and when we called it a night, two players were cleaned out. Andrew had 26 dollars, I had 36 dollars and Mark had the rest, about 100 dollars. He won 80 bucks for his 20 dollar buy in. I ended the night at -4, but that is a win when you had to buy back in and almost got wiped out. Andrew lost 14, all of it going to Mark of course. I put 20 back in the secret stash and put 16 in my wallet for lunch tomorrow. It was a fun night of poker.

Another cool thing was our institution of man laws stolen from the commercial. If someone made a lie, you could call him on it and if it was lying you win a dollar, if true you pay him a dollar. So when a person says, I just folded 72 offsuit, and you call man law, if he has the 72 then you pay up, if not he pays up. It probably happened about 3 times that night, and once I won a dollar, but I later lost it to Andrew in a side bet on whether Mark was holding pocket kings or aces. A great beat to take if you are Andrew.

4 dollars an hour

Decisions

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." - Gordon R. Dickson

I have a theory or view about decisions. There are many types of decisions we have to make in life, some easier than others and some with larger ramifications than others. It seems to me that those decisions that tend to have the biggest impact on our lives are the ones that are harder to make. That just isn't true. Usually those are straight forward and many times we really don't have a viable 2nd option, so we just go with the best option we have. Its a no brainer. For example, my decision to move to DC after college. That was a big decision, I had no job or apartment and didn't know if I would be able to make it there. But I had no choices, no alternatives, so giving it my best shot in DC was easy to make. Moving to Miami was pretty much the same thing as far as it not being that hard. Now, those decisions made a very big impact on my life, yet were not that hard to accept. I don't ever regret them. Now my decision to move back to DC for law school. That one also would make a big impact, but in comparison it was the hardest. Here I had options, I had to decide which path I wanted to take in life, Miami, Texas or DC (and where in DC as well). I made what I felt and still feel was the best decision. But it is much easier to second guess yourself when you had equally enticing opportunties.

I say all this because a friend of mine is about to make a big decision. He is going to move across the country with no job, apartment or even car. He has done this once. The first time it wasn't a hard decision, he needed to go to school and he had nothing where he was so he went. This time around, he is leaving a job opporunity and his home to venture out do what he just feels in his gut he should. This decision is harder because he has to give something up in order to get what he hopes to get. Is a bird in the hand really better than 2 in the bush. I feel like I have been gambling on that bush and there better a shitload of birds in there because I've let a lot of hand birds go. So my moral is that decisions are harder when you have to give up something equally as opportunist rather than just the gravity of the decision and the impact it can have upon your life.

Moral inconvienience. I went to BK for lunch since they still have that jalepeno thing going on. I ordered my sandwhich and a jalepeno on the side. This always baffles them and they never know how to charge it. When I sat down and saw my receipt, I noticed that they subtracted 88 cents from my meal instead of charging it. I thought up going up to pay my 88 cents. Your moral character is based on how you act when no one is watching right. Then I thought about it, they really don't care about my 88 cents, it would be more trouble just to correct it than to have the money. My going up there and making an issue of it would more be for my own moral satisfaction and feeling like a good person than actually being one. I mean, 88 cents is a terrible markup first of all (25 cents at home) and I don't go around figuring out how much ketchup is worth and limiting my taking of them based on trying to be moral. Sometimes trying to be moral (which really isn't moral the more you think about it) causes so much trouble it defeats the whole purpose. I pocketed my 88 cents that I'll use on a coke. Wait, I got a refill on the way out, 75 more cents saved.

There was a worker who took her lunch break while I was there. You would think if you worked at a food place, you would just eat what they sell. She had her own lunch, made at home and it actually looked healthy. It made me feel like shit, but also showed how much will power it takes to eat right in all that junk, when other people, namely me, drive towards that junk to pick it up.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out, my motivations and different issues I might have that I just can't recognize. I've decided I just don't like the feeling of being trapped. I don't like to have to be somewhere. Maybe it has to do with school and how I resented having to be there daily as a kid or how I had no control to leave if I wanted. It might explain my lack of going to class in some sense. I dont' go out enough because I spend too much time thinking about how I just can't go home. This is even when I'm having a good time. I don't like to sleep at girl's places overnight and hate being a visitor in someone's house. What is it about being around my stuff that gives me so much comfort? I mean, at work I have my computer, access to tv, my own office, restrooms, and everything short of a bed. But I don't have the freedom to do nothing I guess. I hate having a full schedule, having all my hours accounted for. Just makes me feel like I have no control. I like to be able to do what I want and have no restrictions on it. Just makes no sense that I wouldn't want to do "what I want" and go to lets say a bar or a dinner with a friend for instance, because well it would keep me from doing "what I want." I know its confusing, I'm confused too, but I'm trying to understand why I hate having obligations. I watch the daily show daily, but I don't see it as an obligation. I eat crap daily, don't have problems with that. So why is going to bed early and eating right feel like its something that is controling and trapping me whereas living shitty feels like complete freedom. I'm a slave to the way my mind works, maybe because its the way my mind works, and that makes sense.

Yesterday I saw a cop on a motorcycle. I started to worry that I might do something wrong and get pulled over. Then I thought it was irrational to think that. Then a guy passed on my right as I was trying to merge left and bam the cop pulled him over. Then he pulled over another guy right after. This morning I was driving to work, and there was a cop. I check to see if I was speeding, but I didn't know the speed limit. He took off and I was like shit. Luckily, he pulled over another guy. I had a dream last night I was being chased by cops because some guys gave me a free bag of drugs for doing them a favor and I was wearing some sort of tracker. Oh and there was a drug sniffing dog too. I think I'm going to be careful around the law.

i knew i shouldn't of done it, but i did it anyway

I gave the bad beat

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

Another great quote from my NYC teacher friend:

"only 7 of my 21 kids will be repeating the fourth grade next year..........that's a mere 33% that failed......and of those who will be in the fourth grade again, two will be in the fourth grade for their THIRD time and two for their SECOND. guess I really got through to them huh??"

I have to tell some poker stories. I made a comment to Mark about how I wanted to make sure I got my money in with the best hand and if I lost well I would still be proud of my play. I feel like that happens a lot, but that one time it doesn't happen is when I get knocked out. So I'm playing a 9 person 6 dollar sitandgo. I get down to final two and I'm I have 2-1 chip disadvantage. I become hyper agressive and the big stack just folds waiting for a good hand to bust me on. I figure the blinds are so high, I'll grow by stealing and when he does find his hand, I'll hopefully get away from mine. So I get QJ suited and decide to raise all in since he just completed the blind. Figure the worst I'm up against is A trash or K trash and maybe I'll get lucky. Well the guy calls and flips pocket aces. flop comes 8 9 10. I double up. I write "Bullshit" and the guy agrees. He had me beat and that was a terrible bad beat. Now I'm in the lead. I keep up my agressive ways and a few hands later, I have A2 diamonds. I make a large raise and he comes over the top. The problem is that it is just 1500 more to call and the pot is over 10,000. I figure I'm beat again, but I might get lucky with my ace and bust his KKs or lower. Well he flips over another pocket pair of aces. 220 to 1 and he hit them twice in 2 hands heads up. The board comes with 3 diamonds and I give him another bad beat winning the 27 dollar 1st prize. I apologized and of course he blew up. I didn't deserve 1st place and we both knew that, I openly admited it, but I took the money nevertheless. I did deserve to be in the two 2, so in all I was still proud of my play until heads up. So that is what I get for saying I'm usually all in with the best hand and if I lose its usually a bad beat. This was the extreme opposite.

Another tournment I played, which I shouldn't of, was a 180 person 20 dollar buy in sit and go. I played very tight and lasted over 3 hours. I always forget how long these take. So now we are on the bubble, next person out is 19th place and 18th pays $43. I forget how, but I'm the smallest stack at all 3 tables. I don't want to go out on the bubble, but the blinds will eat me up if I don't make a move. I finally get AK suited in the big blind and I get raised by one of the other relatively small stacks. I go all in risking elimination because I had no other option. He had pocket 66s. A nice race. I hit my K on the flop and cripple him. Two hands later, he is taken out and I slide into the money with a small but workable stack. First hand after, I play a 78 suited in the big blind and just check. flop comes out with two 8s. I hit trips and I look at my opponent imaging what my stack would look like twice as big. He raises into me and I go all in. He flips over J8 and I'm kicked. I go out in 18th place. I don't think I could of gotten away from that hand, not at that point of the tournament. 23 dollars for 3 hours of work...but at least I'm getting better making the top 18 of 180. Best I have done is top 76 out of 1000.

That is it for my poker adventures of the night. I found out a woman has been using my social since 1988. Not for credit or I'm sure I would of found it on my credit report (but I'm also not sure since she is a woman and has a completely different name), but my guess is that she is using it to work. I'll find out more details when I get my hands on the background check report to confirm this. If this is true and not a typo, I don't want to bring the wrath of social security upon her because she is most likely undocumented and I don't know how she ended up with my number back when I was 9. I'd rather just tell her to stop because of the tax implications and let her go from there. My family says to take all measures I can, contact social security, not take any chances and even change my number is necessary. Why mess around? Then again, I don't think its that hard to get your hands my social. That would be a pain, especially with all the bar application stuff I'm about to do. Maybe i'll wait until after if I went that route. Nothing bad has happened in all this time, so it could be worse. I'll wait until I know more and actually confirm this before I decide what to do.

Here is part of an email that I feel expresses my views on prayer. -- I feel torn because I am starting to pray more that she gets and feels better, but I don't want to feel like if she doesn't then it makes my prayers meaningless, so by telling you I'm just confirming that my prayers don't make much difference. I guess the bigger point is that she is in my thoughts a lot, not the don't worry I'll take care of her with my magical thoughts type of statement prayer sounds like. It just annoys me when people tell me they are praying for something and they act like that is the cure all. Maybe I need more faith, but I have faith that life is life and some times there will be blessings an others there won't.

I know that was out of context, but I think thats ok. I guess the bigger question is how can I have faith that everything will be ok when I know that no matter how much faith you have, or how strong your relationship with God is, bad things will still happen and its not like God chose those bad things for you. I also don't want to discount prayer, because well, I have seen blessings and can't say it doesn't mean anything. Just seems paradoxical to have faith things will get better and feeling better about it, them not getting better and then accepting that that is just how life is. Makes you wonder why you have that expectation in the first place.

need to get back on the wagon

The White House

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination." - Mark Twain

My mother and sister Eliza are in town visiting my aunt Sarah. My niece Victoria came along as well. They spent the first part of their week with my aunt and once I got out of work on Friday, I went to Manassas to pick them up. My aunt and uncle are always great to me when I go and visit. We had a small bbq and I got to hear stories about how they found a snake in the house.

By the time we got home, it was pretty late. Mark had cleaned up the livingroom, which was awesome of him, but my place was still very dirty. My mom and sister were great and helped me clean up the place a bit, mainly my room and the restroom, so that was nice. Eliza and I watched a documentary called Mojados and then we all went to bed.

The next morning, we all went and had breakfast at IHop. Then I drove them over to my law school so they could see where I go to school. Then it was on to the metro for a long day of walking. The day was perfect, not hot with a cool breeze. We were really lucky.

We started off at the White House since it would probably be the most exciting for Tori. When we got there, I was upset that they had moved the people back even farther with a barrier and was complaining about it. A very nice lady told us that the south lawn was open and they were giving free tours. I didn't believe it, but went around and got in line. Then before we knew it, we were on the South lawn, literally 3 feet from the actual White House. It was an amazing experience since you rarely get to get that close anymore. We walked around and saw the West Wing. We got to see all the trees that were planted by different presidents and the Children's Garden.

After the White House, we did the usual momunment tour I've taken many a people on. The walking was hard, but everyone did great. On the way back, we walked by the State Department and then a little area were I used to go for lunch every now and then. It brought back a lot of memories, I guess DC brings back a lot of memories, it feels like I have been here a long time and at times like I just got here.

At night we just ordered pizza and everyone saw the movie Just Friends. It is a funny movie, and it reminds me a lot of people I know.

The next day I watched Mexico win their first game in the World Cup. Man, what a game. Then we drove back to Manassas and we met up there with my cousin Marisa who had just got to town. We had another bbq, and I got to see a lot of her wedding pictures. I had to leave early and was able to get home in time to watch the start of the new season of Deadwood.

I talked to my brother Abram. He has decided he wants to go to law school. I don't think I could be more happy and proud. Never did I ever tell him, I think you should be a lawyer, but it was not because I didn't think he could be a lawyer, but because I wanted him to pick what was right for him. So on his own, he decided this is what he wanted. I think that is awesome and I'm going to help him out in anyway I can. I have two cousins that are brothers and they are both doctors, wouldn't it be nice to have lawyers in the family too. Imagine, an Alaniz law firm.

I feel like I never get real credit for all my educational work. I do get a lot of praise, that is true, my family is proud of me and it is a bit embarassing when they talk about you. The thing is that everyone just expected me to do this and just assumed that was smart so it was easy. I just feel like I don't get enough credit for not being smart, having to figure stuff out and work hard to learn stuff. I also seem to fail at lots of things, but I try to just keep moving forward. I try to give off the impression that I have it all together, but inside I know, inside I'm very humble as I have spent a lot of my life around people so much smarter and more gifted.

topaz

World Cup 2006

"It is easier to stay out than get out." - Mark Twain

The World Cup starts today. It has been a long time coming. I got exposed to the World Cup for the first time freshman year of college. I watched, but wasn't too interested, but everyone's excitment did rub off. Then after playing FIFA soccer on PS2 for the next 4 years, I got familiar with the players and history. The 2002 world cup was great to watch and I really enjoyed it. Now this is my 3rd one. Herbert had wanted to meet up for this one in Germany, but we didn't plan on all being so poor at this point in our lives. Maybe the next one, who knows. I'm rooting for Mexico, the US, and will enjoy watching France, Italy, Spain, and Brazil. I'd pick Mexico over the US mainly because it would mean more to them than to us.

I was watching a World Cup commerical and I heard this little boy say "vale." It really made think of Spain, where I was one year ago exactly. That would of been a great place to see the cup from, but there wasn't much TV access. I need to go back and hopefully soon. I made some really great friends there. Too bad some of them ended up letting me down. I guess you can't fault good memories though.

The NBA Finals are not as interestng to me since the Spurs are not playing. I like the Mavs though and since they are from Texas, I'll support them against the Heat. Game one was nice, but it just feels like these finals have gone on for a very long time. I have no clue what is going on in Hockey. That is sad b/c I used to follow all finals of all sports, but I just really don't care about Hockey right now.

I went to Burger King today. There isn't one near me so it is always a specialty. When I was ordering, I decided to do what I always do every 4th or 5th time I go into a fast food restaurant. I asked if they have jalapenos. I always know the person will answer no and sometimes make an ugly face at me. Today, I just felt like doing it, maybe because everyone that worked there was latino it seemed and I was hoping they might understand my craving. The lady said yes. I was floored. I told her no one around here sells jalapenos. She pointed to the picture above me of the Texas Whopper which has jalapenos. Its a promotion thing. So now they have them in stock, not because of any type of demand. Since they had them, they were willing to give them to me for free with my order. That was awesome of her. That really made my day.

While I was eating alone, I noticed two things, I can't read and eat lunch at the same time. I'm terrible at it. There were 3 women across from me and one baby. The older one, probably early 40s was filling out a job application while the others were helping her figure out what went where considering her English probably wasn't too great. It made me think of how blessed I am to not have to work for minimum wage and just made me remember that there are so many people out there working harder than me and getting paid much less. I hope she gets that job.

I hate that I am so messy at times. I've been around people that are so clean and organized I wish I were like them. For example, I get mail, open it and then put it down in the first convienent spot. Needless to say, I have mail all over my house. I decided that the reason I don't put stuff away is that I follow the rule of 'out of sight, out of mind.' So I probably would never see stuff ever again if I put it away. So something I might need, I'll leave out, and that leads to many things being left out and then messiness. I have piles, everywhere, but to me they are just reminders of unfinished business. Maybe that is my problem, putting stuff in piles instead of getting them done.

Not making things worse

Feeling Guilty

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." - Mark Twain

I have one more year of law school left. I wonder what type of motivation I will take into the year. I wonder how hard my classes are going to feel, how much I'll just be hoping to finish up. I think I wouldn't of minded being done already, nor maybe even taking the bar this summer if I got a year head start. I need to figure out a way to use this year the most to my advantage. I need to focus my energy on finding a job and making sure I can use all these years of work to finally start making money that I can live on.

I finished listenting (audiobook) Annie Duke's book. I thought it was really good. It is nice to hear the life story of other people whom you would consider normal. She is anything, but normal, but just seeing that everyone shares a lot of the same goals, fears and troubles makes you feel a lot better. It didnt' improve my poker game much, but it did make me feel more motivated.

It wasn't too long ago I was talking to someone and I mentioned that I didn't understand how anxiety attacks worked. It didn't make sense to me that you could feel so anxious that it would literally cripple your being able to do anything. Life is full of anxiety, how could you ever let it win and could it really be something I couldn't control or fight back against, I mean its in your head right. I still won't venture to say I understand them, but I feel like I had a form of one yesterday. It was something I had had in my life before, but I never knew how to classify it so I just chalked it up to feeling weird. I was at work and all of a sudden my heart just started racing, and I felt trapped, like I wanted to get out, just get away. My chest started really hurting and I couldn't sit still. It wasn't anything where I didn't have control, but I also couldn't be productive at all. Everything just felt futile. I'm used to stress building up and coming out in negative ways like my eating habits or lack of activity, but never did it every have such a physical effect as it had this day. I self diagnosed of course, that is something us people without health insurance tend to do a lot, and I could only explain it as being anxiety. There are long term things that continually stress me, like school, work ethic, relationships and finances, but I tend to just take these on in stride (well my kind of stride). I think it had to do with recent stressful things I had been dealing with that I had left resolved/unresolved just the day before. Then there was just irrational thoughts and fear that pops in your mind making you feel worse. Like feeling that you are not productive enough, going to get fired, that you won't have a place to live at the end of the summer and on and on. Usually you just distract yourself from such things, but this day I just had a research project to work on and I just added that to the fustration. The day ended and I raced home. When I got there I had a beer, played a game of poker and then fell asleep at 9 or 10pm. This never happens.

Today I feel much better, but the thought that stresses in my mind could manifest themselves in physical ways scares me. It also makes me feel weak, like I am not strong minded enough to control this stupidity. I mean, relax, life is good, why let these things mess with you. So my little experience, which I'm blowing up here to look bigger than it really was. I mean I didn't faint, throw up or do curl up in a ball. But I did feel intense pressure on my chest, and the fight or flight responses in my system turned on without having anything to fight or run from. I figure I'm better off thinking about it now than if it got worse later.

In more upbeat news, they killed that terrorist guy. Nope, not the actual important one (Bin Laden), the Iraq important one. Maybe he was like their George Bush, once you get rid of him, you get rid of the problems. Oh maybe he was just the face of a bigger problem (in W's case, the conservative right) and they will find another lacky. Point is, we finally get some good news and when killing people is good news, you know something must be wrong.

convenient

06-06-06 - Can you spell it?

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

I looked at CNN and saw, "NJ girl wins spelling bee." I had once on the Rosie show seen this girl who won and went to report at the next years spelling bee. That was interesting at the time. I didn't know what to expect when Mark invited me to a spelling bee last night because a friend of his was competing. It was the finals and it wasn't just a spelling bee, it was a dc bar spelling bee. All kinds of images jumped in my mind, from drunk kareoki (see I'm a terrible speller) to a boring school type spelling bee. I didn't jump at the invitation, but I knew I should get out of the house. The bee was held at a bar in DC that had a stage set up in the back. It was being filmed for a documentary I was told. I heard the documentary about the national spelling bee did very well, but I haven't cared to see it. The people at this bar were unique and it was hard to classify them. They weren't totally Black Cat, indi punk rocker kids, but instead I guess would be called Urban youth maybe. Everyone seemed very intelligent, but quirky in so many different ways. No one was an outsider but not feeling different enough did make me feel a bit odd. It was a crazy crazy world I got to tell you. Ages 22-32, all smart educated, some dorky, dressed liked they lived in Grenich (sp?) Village in NYC.

They had this competition each week on Monday nights and this was the finals. It was a packed stage and there were seats for about 12 contestants on one side and a table with two announcers on the other. One announcer was a an attractive girl who described herself as an indian indi punk rocker (hence where I took the term earlier) and the other guy wore a black suit with a blue shirt and reminded me a bit of Pedro from Napoleon D.. This was a crowd that would love that movie and Wet Hot American Summer too I gather.

Quick tangent, so Dave who was competing got to meet the guy who made W.H.A.S. They were hanging out at the black cat and he came up and asked him if he knew of any places open late. Something to that effect. He tried to hold in the 'The so and so diner is open until 4 -- I am deciding on whether to dump my girlfriend based on your movie and if she likes it (very quickly said) -- and this other bar is open too." He didn't want to be an obvious fan, but damn, it must of been hard to fight it.

Back to the Bee. Every contestant had a crowd of fans, and each seemed like they were picked for their personality type and camera value rather than their spelling ability. As each one went up it was as if they had a pre-arranged stand up routine before they had to spell. But you could tell it was off the cuff and they were just having a good time, drinking and spelling...though some seemed to take it more serious than others. Every person that went up was so funny, each making a witty joke with the audience heckling back. The heckling was great too because people knew when to be respectful and quiet and when to shout out randomness that I can't even describe. You had the guys with the band t-shirt and a beer...the I'm shady tshirt guy with sunglasses, the tall girl who looks like she is the kindest girl ever, the much older guy, the gay guy who's bf's name was dick, the announers ex, whom she kept asking about his current girl (that was funny) and the those two very dry and funny (a different kind of funny) announcers. Don't forget about a bell, and sound effects for when they got an answer wrong.

One girl that kicked ass was this black girl that did a rap (her last name was Bee) and it was great. Seriously, she could of done that on TV, I'm sure it will make the documentary. She had t-shirts made for her and her friends each with a funny saying, like something about being under her "spell."

Sometimes the contestants asked for sentences and made funny jokes, or the person's fans would yell something about them being great. There was an older lady in the audience, looked like a high school english teacher, spelling along on her notebook, I think it was dedicated to her maybe. She didn't seem to like the crowd yelling back at first, but quickly adapted to this unqiue type of bee. It just seemed hard to be that serious about spelling.

Our guy put on a show, but went out in the first round. He was very laid back and reminded me of the type of guy you would meet in Austin. He sentence has something to do with rubbing some substance over yourself. He made sure to have the girl repeat it as he touched his nipples.

I left to get another beer and missed the chaos that ensued, but was caught up later. I was told that at one point a person spelled a word wrong, but it went unnoticed, so a person from the audience stood up and said that the integrity of the game had been questioned, passed a note to the judges to review the tape. There was an argument and the guy was forced to spell two words to clear up any problems. Later, there was some word like sophism (I can't spell and don't even know the real word) and half the audience corrected the person's pronouncation. There were a lot of legal terms used it seemed, but though I use them daily in my class notes, I couldn't spell them if I had to. It was such an interesting sight, a whole other world. For some reason it reminded me of this tv show, this or that, that I saw on public access. I hate spelling, I'm terrible at it, but this bee was totally worth it. So I was at a spelling bee, at a bar on a Monday night. Check them out http://myspace.com/spellyoulater

Today is that day, the 6th of June 2006. Some people claimed today would be the end of the world, but then again it was supposed to end in 2000, and many times in the past as well. My mounting credit card debt wouldn't mind it, but hopefully today won't have any satanic significance. I'll probably go about having a normal day letting the religious nuts try to figure out if there is anything worth paying attention to today. I'll be dead in 3006, but there isn't anything to do today right? Fight evil?

Today my mother and younger sister Eliza with her daughter Tori are coming to DC to visit my aunt (and me). I probably won't see them until the weekend. I'm kind of embarassed because my place is a mess and I don't know what to show them. I can't take them to bar, and I don't know what kind of stuff they would enjoy. I guess we will figure it out.

My father was a gambling man in a sense. You learn a lot from your parents growing up. I learned that when other people are depending on me, I need to be responsible, but when it comes to just myself, then I don't have to be as responsible. It wasn't told to me, but shown in subtle ways. My father had a hobby and in it contained a form of gambling. Over the long run, he won more than he lost, he only bet money he could afford to lose and none of this was tied in anyway to our standard of living. We didn't need him to win or not lose to pay the bills. The problem was that my father was good at what he did, but never seemed to be the best. He had all the experience in the world, growing up in a family with that history, he knew the game inside out and could train his game better than most. All too often I would hear stories about near wins, bad beats and high payout derby's that were just within his grasp. I always attributed it to his lack of bankroll and resources, lack of being able to put all his time into it becuase he worked a full time job and just the times catching up with him. Maybe it was the bankroll problem, he couldn't afford big facilities, he couldn't wager at the higher stakes without putting him in financial perial, he couldn't afford the best drugs or bred game. But he was smart and knew how to win, enough to keep him going, but not enough to be dominating. He knew he was better than most of the competition out there, but he couldn't always prove it. He was very risk averse though, didn't like gambling in general, but this wasn't gambling to him, it was like a hobby, a skill with money behind it. If you were better than the other person you weren't taking a chance even though luck did play a small part.

Well I do have the gambling bug and am very risk averse right now. I enjoyed blackjack through college and love casinos. Now I have this poker addiction that I'm feeding with low stakes. The problem with blackjack was that with all the money I won and lost, and all the time I spent playing, I never took it seriously as far as playing for anything more than fun or the endorphins I would get from winning (and sometimes losing). I never read books on it other than basic strategy, never studied the math, never wanted, well tried, to be great at it.

So here I am playing poker now. I've been playing along for a few years just getting experience but not truly learning anything. If I had a bankroll, then I could do well I tell myself, but that is bull. I need to not settle for just doing well, just winning enough to keep playing, I need to find that killer instinct in me and learn the game and the math (I am not a big math fan anymore) correctly. I don't want a pile of unread books sitting there as I lose another low stakes sit and go wondering if maybe its bad luck or I just suck. So I'm going to do what I faulted my father for, going to try to be the best rather than just knowing I am better than most out there, I want to prove it. Its time to take responsiblity for my choices instead of just saying I never learned to win from my parents.

I've also never had a problem standing the shadow of people's whose skills were better than mine because it works for me in two ways. One I can learn from them, and second, I can spend that time learning and getting better and when it comes time for the competition, I can surprise people and do very well. Yeah people will think I just got lucky, but I will know it was more than that. But if I don't get better than the people I shadow, then that is fine too because I don't have to beat them, I have to beat others and if they are not as good then I'll take them down. Rick taught me to play chess by kicking my ass daily at a summer camp when we were younger. He got very good at the game and I learned enough to be competitive. I never even got close to his level, but had no problem beating a lot of other people. Had I just tried to learn on my own I'd probably just have been average. (Now, due to my memory skills, I can play, but am not competitive to anyone other than an amateur.)

So I bother Mark a lot, asking him what he would do in certain situations, getting his advice on my play or my plan of action. He seems to get it (poker) a lot better than I do. I have to read to learn that tight agressive play is the best, but that is just normal for him without reading the books. He can fold when he knows he is beat, I went from not knowing I was beat, to knowing, but not folding. My mind is consumed with poker right now, and I know many a person's in my age range feels the same way, but I'm here too, so I might as well give it a shot or quit. I have a chance here to work hard and learn how to play better and try and fail, instead of just playing and failing like I have been doing. So when I have given it a good shot, really tried, really learned, but am just not good then I'll know that I can give up, but I'll also know that unlike 95% of the stuff in my life, I wouldn't have half assed it.

That brings me to....I half ass way too much in life. From when I would run in sports, to how I played games, my school work, my study habits, my financial control and even in my daily life. I don't push myself to learn new things or get better at the ones I'm good at because I know how much better everyone else is than me. Why be shitty at something when doing my best that another person's half ass would be better I thought. I need to work hard, but in a different way than the hard I work now. My hardwork now is committing to a goal and getting there even if it means small steps and just getting by. I need to just focus on the things that are important to me and do my best at those. Yeah I'll never be the best at anything, that I conceed, but I can be better than the person I'm going to be if I keep up this track. Lots of talk though and we all know my follow through isn't always as great as my talk.

internship

I don't know

"No one gossips about other people's secret virtues." - Bertrand Russell

I remember when I was younger, I had a friend that lost a pet. It really hit my friend hard and though I felt bad for my friend, part of me just couldn't understand the sadness because I had never yet really loved a pet. Once I got Koki, the thought of losing her is beyond believe. You feel selfish for feeling that way because people pass away and that is much worse, yet I know I'd feel terrible. Growing up, we had lots of animals around the house, mainly outdoor cats, and they died, a lot. All kinds of ways. You just got used to it, I never paid them much attention nor took my sister seriously when she was sad that yet another cat was hit by a cat. I knew there would be more cats. Then I got a pet and that cold feeling is something I'll never be able to have again. A friend of mine has a cat that she loves who is sick. She knew when she got her that she her sickness might win over, but there was always hope. Atari has so much energy and was so alive it was hard to imagine the sickness setting it. It finally caught up to her, and now her immume system is now weak and she has been getting worse. She had spent a lot of money to make sure this is what is wrong with her and to get medicine, but these things can only delay things and we dont' even know how long. This is a terrible position to be in, for her and for Atari. I feel badly for her and am myself feeling down that this innocent kitten is having to go through this. I wish there was something I could do. She asked me a question today.

What would you do if it were Koki?

I've thought about that, thought about it a lot, when we first found out and now that she got sick. If Koki were sick I think at first I'd be selfish and keep her with me because it would be so hard for me to let her go. I think that once I saw she was in true pain, I'd have to let her go. I think I would have to be there holding her though it if they would let me because I would want her to go knowing I was there with her until the end. This makes me really sad and I hate that atari has to go through this.

There are couples that you look at and admire because they seem so much in love. They look like the perfect couple, always happy to be together and just two great people. It makes you think that this is the way relationships should be. Sometimes these relationships end and it is hard to comprehend. There might be great couples out there, but it doesn't mean that every great relationship was meant to end in marriage.

addiction

The Vet

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to change the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E.B. White

I don't notice details. I live my life trying to get from point A to point B. When I meet a person or have an encounter, I don't waste time observing what color pants they are wearing, the background sounds, or even the landscape. It is true I do quickly scan girls I encounter to put them in one of my many boxes ranging from hard to look at working towards that is an admirable feature, ending with way to attractive to waste my time with. But even then I don't pay attention to details, just the basics. I wake up and goal it to get to work, everything inbetween is useless. I try to do everything like a precision strike, get in, get out and then relax at home. That is what grocery shopping, school, and even going out is like. I feel like I need to start paying attention, stop living in my head so much and appreciate the things around me.

I spent all day at work in front of my computer and once the clock hit 5pm, I rushed home on my 40 min commute to play the $10 re-buy poker tournment I had joined online right before I left. In my mind I thought, well it is only ten dollars, so it could be fun. I don't mind sitting out the first half hour or so because the blinds are low and I want to wait until a few people are out. There were about 1000 people playing. I quickly added on 1500 chips to my 1500 for 10 dollars, and at the end of the re-buy period added on 2000 chips bringing mup up to 8000 for 10 dollars more. By this time, I had already invested 30 dollars into a tournament I was sure to lose. When my total bankroll for poker is about 100 dollars, this probably isn't a great idea. I decided to play tight and was in about 9% of the hands dealt. That is not easy to do. I did get lucky a few times by having my coin flips hold up, but then as 3 hours had passed, I noticed that I was getting closer to cashing. The cash pool was over 40,000 dollars, but first prize was a little over 10,000 I think. 8th place was 1000. At 81st place you win 87 dollars and it goes up from there. 81st place became my goal. I know it shouldn't be, but I didn't plan on getting this far in the first place, but to be honest of course I hoped or else I'd never play. So now 100 people are left and I have outlasted 900, which was a feat in itself. I had a medium to low chip stack, so I wasn't too worried about feeling rushed to play and figured I could just wait. Then I decided to try and steal blinds with a 4times the big blind raise with AJs. I get re-raised. Those were 4 big blinds I didn't want to lose. The guy who re-raised was larger than me and I put him on KQ or 10s. I didn't care if he had 72, I didn't want to raise the rest of my stack so I folded. Now I was much smaller, but still ok as now only 85 people were left. 4 people to go and I make 57 dollars. I did not want to be bubbleboy. Then it happens, I get pocket queens in the big blind. A guy who is smaller than me raises all in. I had no problem calling him because I knew he was desperate. But then the guy next to me, who was larger than me called. I wanted to call, I knew I was probably the favorite, but against 4 cards (2 and 2), my guess was one of those guys had an Ace and the other had a King high. Plus, they could also just get lucky with anything. So I think about it for as long as I can...if I call and lose then I am out one place before cashing. If I call and win, I will have a controling chip stack and will probably make it up to the next level of 109 dollars with no problem. Deal or no deal? 0 dollars or possible at least 109. Mark comes in and tells me to call. I fold. The cards come up and they are both trash, one guy had a K, the other had a J maybe. My Qs would of held up as the board was also trash and I sit there now with a much smaller stack (folded the big blind) watching what should be all my money go to the other small stack. I make it past the bubble and cash, making my 57 buck profit, but I was too small and inexperienced to do much damage. I soon called by a larger pair when I tried to double up finally going out in 72nd place out of 1000. This was over 4 hours of poker play later. This was also a long day in front of a computer. I am still proud of how I played and still feel my fold was the best decision I could of made based on my goal of cashing for that day, but once I start to focus on winning and not cashing, I'll make that call everytime.

I later played two small 5 dollar sit and gos. I usually cash in one and lose in the other breaking me even or a bit ahead. I lost one with a bad all in with pocket 10s which ran into Jacks. The other I did very well and got 2nd (but was close to getting first when I was heads up.) It paid just a little more than I paid to play both sit and gos and I called it a night. Mark, who has been playing exceptional poker, and at stakes I am not yet at, was so close to winning yet another $650 WSOP table. (If you win you can play your 650 to win a seat at the WSOP or use the 650 to play other tournaments.) He played great, but was hurt late by having a smaller full house. He finished one place out of the money. That is always hard.

I have some new poker books. My goal is to read as much as I can on the subject so that I can start to really understand it. I've been playing for a long time now and I'd like to play more seriously in the future. My best approach is to study it as if it were a class and build a soild game. I don't want to be the World Series of Poker Champ, nor even play there. I just want to be able to play online or in a casino and know that odds are that I'm going to do well. If anything is worth doing, its worth doing well people say. I don't feel I follow this even though I do believe this. I hope to follow this when it comes to this game. I do admit, I get really bored sitting there for hours playing a limited set of starting hands, and I am not at the level where I can use that time to understand my opponents, but I'm getting a little better each day, and then I get a lot worse, start over and get a little better each day.

father