White Christmas

"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

I did not believe it when I saw it. I was in Edinburg, Texas, it was Christmas eve and outside it was snowing. Growing up in the Valley, I had never seen snow. The first time I saw snow was when I was 19 at Cornell. This is south Texas...it's hot here...so most people here have never seen snow....a white christmas is something we dream about but know we will never see. So we are opening presents with my family on Christmas eve (it might be a Mexican thing that we do it early), and the kids look outside and it is covered in snow. It was like a miracle, I think there was a movie where it snowed on Christmas in LA, but this was real and we all run outside to enjoy a true and first white christmas, something I dreamed about as a child, but never thought I would see. I think my father and I were the only ones that had seen snow before, my nieces and nephews were in bliss. They made snow angels, threw snow balls, and we started working on a snow man. They learned they were not as easy to make as in the movies, but we worked for over an hour putting together quite the snowman. We put on Christmas music and it was truly like a sappy movie. The neighbors were outside, and everyone was so happy. My niece Sara came up to me and you could just see her eyes glowing as she embraced me in a hug and told me that it was the best Christmas of her life. Well, my life has been much longer and this was truly up there. I don't usually rank Christmas, but second to the last christmas I spent with my sister Vero, this was the best Christmas I had ever had. We were in the middle of opening presents and no one cared, they just wanted to be outside.

I took as many pictures as I could and as dorky as all this sounds, we didn't care, we were so very happy. The last time I think it snowed down here was 1895 or so and this time we got 3.5 inches of snow. Victoria, Texas got 11 inches . This actually made the national news. Whether this was a present from above or just the effects of Bush's gobal warming policies, it was damn cool. Here is a fun footnote. My younger sister's co-worker wanted her children to see snow for christmas so she arranged a trip to take them up north so they could experience a white christmas, who would have known they could have just stayed home.

We finally finished opening presents and went to bed at about 4am and the next morning everyone woke up to see everything covered in snow Christmas morning. By Christmas night, all that was left of our snowman was the hat and carrot and it was like it never happened. My trip down here has been nice and relaxing. When I got here I went with my sisters, brother, tia Mati and tio Jesse, and Bekkah and Jamie to Progresso, Mexico. We went shopping and my sister got a peticure. Going to Mexico is always an experience. You experience poverty unlike that that is easily found in the US and you just try to distance yourself from it in order to enjoy the cheap prices, culture and experience. We walked around and my sister and aunt got a peticure and since my back had been hurting from all the studying, I got a 20 dollar 45 min massage. It was the first I had ever had and it really helped out. We ate tacos at a taco stand with coke in bottles, which is great coke, and though different from American coke, some people like it better.

Early in my trip home, I went over to Rick's place to hang out with him and my friend Juan. It was nice chatting up and learning about what was going on in their lives. I find it very relaxing to just chill out and drink and talk and it has become a staple on my trips home since I left for college. My cats are being taken care of my a friend of mine and I really owe him big for going through all the trouble of doing me this favor. He told me how he thinks Koki, or the big one as he called her, is going through withdraw symptons and misses me a lot...she really wants to be petted. As much as I don't want to use my cats as an emotional crutch or excuse not to socialize with people, I miss them a lot. They really make me feel at peace. There is just something about laying down and relaxing as Koki lays on my chest purring and sleeping as I pet her. They are so low maintance in that they don't need constant attention, but when they want it, I'm usually happy to give it to them. Sometimes you get home and you relize you are alone, living far away from your true home, your family, your close friends, but having a pet there waiting for you, happy to see you, just makes you feel happy.

Christmas is for the kids. I know people always says it's about giving, but honestly, I feel like I care more about what I get people than what I get now. I guess I'm used to not expecting anything big since no one I know is really well off, so things I want I usually get for myself. So the key is trying to find things that you think someone will enjoy. I didn't plan to buy presents this year because of the not working thing and the debt I have amassed. Who would have thought that a year ago I had a savings account of almost 10,000 dollars I had been working so hard on building and a year later it would be gone and my credit card debt alone would be twice that. I went shopping with my brother Abram and I couldn't help but buy things. I got a set of nice knives for my sister Ana because she just moved into a new house and I thought they would look nice in her kitchen. I also got her wine stoppers for her wine theme. Then I got my sister a great blender and my brother got her glasses to use the blender for. I also got her a candle set. I got my mom a massager chair pad and my brother got her Audrey Hepburn dvds. She named Eliza after Eliza Dolittle, so we thought she would enjoy the set. My brother got my dad an Ax and I got him gloves and an electronic tape measure. I like gadgets, so I hope others will too. My got my niece Bekkah a nice vanity mirror for all the makeup she has been getting and keep trying to instill in her the cliche of "less is more" when it comes to makeup. Jamie her littler sister got a Shel Silverstein book I enjoyed so much growing up and a Lincoln Park/Jay Z CD she wanted. I got my nephews a gift certificate and the other cards (like pokemon, but not) and my youngest niece Tory 7 dollars inside a plastic ball that she will need a hammer to break to get the money out. We ran out of time ok. I also got my grandmother an ionic breeze for her allergies, a product which I really enjoy. For my brother I paid for the presents he purchased as my gift to him.

So we do the Christmas Eve presents thing, the aforementioned snow thing and then Christmas Day Bekkah and Jaime come over and open their presents and then we had a Christmas party for the extended family, including my grandparents, aunts and uncles. At night, I went over to Rick's to play some Poker with him, Sam, my brother and Cousing Rino. Abram ended up coming out on top at the end of the night, but I always consider my buy-in as the price for having a good time. I plan to read up on the game more and start to learn to play right instead of just for fun how I am playing now.

On the 26th we celebrated my Dad's bday, he turned 57. I think I stopped counting at 45. We went out to eat at Trevinos and though their Mexican food has been lacking the last few years, this year it was great. I had eaten at Red Lobster, Chilis and Trevinos, so by the time it was my bday we passed on the going out to eat thing.

I hope this good feeling doesn't go away

Season's Greetings

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me.
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be.
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep.
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me.
Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy because it was no fun, there under your thumb.
But then I heard our song, and I danced along, but it felt all wrong.
Cause she was sweet, she let me lead, she never took her ever lovin eyes off me.
- Dierks Bently - How am I doing?


I have been known to fall victim to the Manana syndrome. It is when your birthday comes along, you start to think about all the years you will never have back. I'll never be 24 again, never be 21 again, so I might as well try to enjoy these moments now rather than wait for that unascertainable moment when I have the money, the love, the career, and the family. I know I'll miss the days when I had youth, freedom and potential. Too bad I value sleep and relaxation too much. Of course I tell myself this every now and then, but it is always too easy to fall back into old routines.

Wednesday Fed and I went to the Dean's house for a Christmas party. It was a small event and very few people were invited, I was one of the few 1Ls there. We got invited by the assistant Dean the same day and it was a good place to put in some face time. I talked to all the deans of the school, one about politics and told him about a documentary called "Unpresedented" about the Florida 2000 election, he informed me that he knew it well considering he was in it. I felt a bit embarrassed for not knowing that, but when I saw it, I didn't know him well, so it wasn't a big deal. I ran into a professor, who is also a dean, and talked to her for a bit. I'm glad I didn't yet know my grade in her class and she didn't know mine either (they are graded anonomously.)

Sometimes when I am not feeling too well, I go shopping. I guess I go shopping to forget. I didn't get too many things, but I did stop by and get one of those mall 15 min massages. My back had been hurting from all the studying, so it felt good to relax for a bit. I even purchased this little red dolphin massager I used to have. I got my glasses fixed and a haircut, so the trip was productive.

There are a lot of goals I have for myself, and they seem to be the same goals each year, so of all of them, I plan to get at least two off the list. A friend of mine has 5 years of dance lessons, so they are going to help me learn to dance. I went out to this dance club where they dance salsa and such, and the people were very good. I won't list all my other goals, but remember to ask me a year from now how many I achieved. I want to learn to play piano too...yeah I'll add that.

Our building had a Christmas BBQ this week. There was music, drinks and free food. It was nice to talk to our neighbors and socialize. There are a lot of families that live in our complex and most of the students were gone for the winter break, so it was much older people and their kids. It was a bit cold due to a cold front passing through, but you can't pass up free. A guy asked me how the food was, and interestingly, he worked for the catering company, so I am glad I said it was good.

There comes a point in your life when you need to stop rationalizing and tell yourself the truth. Unfortunately, this point comes all too often in my life and I don't know how good I am at it. The messed up part is that when you do tell yourself the truth, it only takes one moment of rationalization to make you forget.

The other day I started reading and pretty much read all of America the Book by Jon Stewart. It is pretty damn funny. Like the daily show, it's hard at times to know what are jokes and what is real. You think somethings are jokes, but I know from history they are true, so it makes me wonder what I laugh at, if it may be based on fact. It is a very funny book and I'm glad I got it for Christmas. I have a lot of Christmas reading to do before I get back to law school reading, lets hope I get through a few of my books.

I had a lot ot trouble finding a person to take care of my cats and had no one the day before I was going to leave. I actually considered leaving them here alone with enough food and water for the time I'll be gone, but that is just wrong and probably crulety to animals. I decided that if I couldn't find someone then I just wouldn't go home because I wouldn't leave them alone. What am I going to do if I go to Spain this summer? I think I'm more worried about missing my girls than excited about seeing everyone.

Right now there is a cold front going through south Florida. It is supposed to be one of the coldest times in recent history in Florida and is supposed to get down into the 40s...I can deal with that. Luckily, I'm getting out of here when it is starting, so I'm looking forward to my south texas weather.

I was at Walmart and I saw the parking space steal move. Thank goodness it wasn't done to me. The guy who had his spot blatantly stolen waited for the people to get out to tell them off. I just chilled to watch and see if a fight was going to break out. Honestly, I wanted to get down and tell those people off, I mean they were jerks and did it intentionally. I thought that it would be cool to have a video camera and walk up to them and ask them questions about being jerks. I'd ask them how it feels, their motivations, stuff like that. I think a documentary on jerks doing fucked up shit in society would be cool to see. I could tape jerks at bars, at middle schools, during Christmas shopping, on the streets and then do comparisons, like see look at rich people being jerks and then poor people being jerks. I might even do a section on professors maybe. So yeah, but I did nothing and not just because there was a big strong black guy in the back seat who came out and scared the other car away, but also because I don't know what I would get out of confronting those people and telling them off. I need to be more confrontational, next time I see something, I'm just getting out of my car and starting to yell, or at least talk strongly. (movie theaters, sports, water during hurricanes, fires, shopping, school, car salesmen)

I've taken some time during my break cleaning up my apartment anticipating guests. I leave in the morning for home, which I'm looking forward to. I have to take a taxi to the airport because I have no one to give me a ride, but hopefully it won't be too expensive. I wish I had someone to give me a ride, but those 45 bucks will be inspiration to make more friends this spring.


There are things I need to leave behind this year and this is one of them. It is hard loving her. I love her more than I would ever need to love anyone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I know she loves me, this wasn't a love I made up in my mind or over dramtised, it was a love that was real to me and that I lived for a few years. Sometimes I think, well if you love her so much, why don't you try to win her back, why do you just run away and not fight for what you call the love of your life. The reason is that even though I love her more than anyone I have loved romatically in my life, I know in my heart that I am not right for her and more importantly, she is not right for me. When I looked in her eyes and thought about her life I saw all kinds of possiblities, potential beyond what I could ever have. Not only is she beautiful, but she is smart, hard working, will never have to worry about money and is artistic to boot. But as much as I would love to tag along and see how wonderful this life turns out and how dearly I want to be part of it, I know deep in my heart that her calling and my calling are not the same. The great things we are both going to achieve are not going to be with one another. One would think that considering I love and respect her so much then why would I not want her to be any part of my life, not a friend and not even someone I want to hear about, know about or talk about. The reason is simply my selfish need to protect myself from the pain of losing someone I held so dear. It hurts just thinking about the void left in my life, about how as each day passes we are not spending it together, that I'll never experience her soft kisses or thoughtful gestures again. I can't bear it and would rather accept how I feel about her and just move on knowing that it wouldn't take much to trick me into falling back in love with her, but even though I might do it, I'd still know it is wrong and won't lead to either of us being truly happy, especially because there is something we are looking for, we are not sure what it is, but it is out there and we can't risk not finding it. I have seen people who are in situations with people they might love, but are not happy with. They stay in them for many reasons, but you can see in their eyes that they are truly not happy. I knew I was happy, but it wasn't the happiness I wanted, but I was so scared to let it go because it was the best thing I had ever had. Thank goodness she knew better than to settle for a life that might have been good, but would not have been the best. It is something I'll always both resent her for and be thankful for. It sucks that whomever I do fall in love with will have a bar set so high for them that limits my options of people, but all I have learned is what I want and what I deserve, not to mention what I am willing and wanting to give. Each new relationship I hope will be new and each person will be their own person I will fall in love with for them and not because they are like someone I used to be in love with. I need to remind myself of that. I've met some great people that I really didn't give a fair chance to because I had not yet really moved on in my heart, even though I force myself to in my mind. I truly think that until I can accept that I could live the rest of my life alone without that soulmate and still have lived a happy and joyful life, that I can ever be a good husband to someone. But who wants to be alone, so it's something that is hard to ever know. I have to accept that not being alone is momentary, but in the end life will pass and I will die...a marriage is a relationship that will end (if not legally), with one of our deaths, so it is only momentary and in the end I will be alone, just myself, who I am, who I was and God's decision if I meet the standard for whatever type of plan he has for us when we pass. I hope to be united with loved ones and never be alone once I am dead, but I think there is something so much better then "not being alone" once you pass that I probably can't fathom. Until then, all I can do is go about each day trying to be a decent guy, work hard trying to meet my person goals, looking for my calling, my mate, dear friends and hopefully one day have children who will add to the wonderful family I am blessed to have. I miss her, but I understand why she is gone and am sort of grateful to God that a decison was made that I was not daring enough to make, but am not happy about it.

a person that wants you doesn't want your address

Done

"Preach the gospel at all times, use words only when necessary." - St. Frances

I am now done with my first semester of law school. 4 exams down and now it's time to wait for my grades. I don't feel like I did amazing, but I did work very hard and hopefully I did ok. I'm going to be so happy to get some sleep and not load my body with crap like red bull everyday. I feel like I should be more excited, but I feel more relieved. I do have to say that I am very very happy that I started law school this fall. Coming to Miami was a blessing and I'm glad I'm still on my way of following my dream to be a lawyer or at the least getting my law degree. Here are some things I learned while studying. You can't remember something you didn't understand in the first place. I did a lot of reading, I mean it was pretty much reading and memorizing all day and sometimes I would try to memorize stuff I didn't really understand, but I hoped if I memorized that it would click at the exam. Like I said, if you don't get it, it is not worth trying to memorize, I mean try, just know it is harder. Luckily I felt like I got a lot of it. Also, tapes and CDs are very helpful, I plan to use them next semester too. Finally, tying exams as opposed to handwriting them was a godsend. I have the worst handwriting and no matter how I did, I would have done worse handwriting it.

After my last exam, Frank, Fede and I went to eat lunch at a Nica restaurant down on the 107 by FIU. I got in trouble because I tried to order Mexican type food at a Nica place, so I ended up trying new things, something I'm not very good at. The area was called Sweetwater and it is about half an hour away, but it's always a good trip. The funny thing was I was told a story at the restaurant by Frank that Sweetwater was founded by runaway midgets from the circus. It was a good story, I mean first they were runaways and the whole area was full of small midget houses. Now I don't know if the story is true, but it was told well. Now it is a very Nica area, which is funny cause the joke has it that they showed up and didn't want to mess with all the Cubans, haitans or white people so they took over the midgets land cause they couldn't fight back. The meal was good, but another chance for me to look like an idiot because I didn't know Spanish and a lot of people don't speak English. It was embarrassing as usual, but maybe not as much as the talk about salsa and how I don't know how to dance.

Speaking of, I had been using my long days in my room of which are to be used for studying, to also download audio books and the such. I figure that I can start to listen to more books and learn stuff. I got the idea from learning Civ Pro, Contracts and Torts from CDs. I got some good Spanish in your car downloads, so once I get them burned to CD hopefully I can start to work more on that.

Frank found out today that he got a job as a law clerk. He is really excited, he has very good grades and it has been hard for him to find a job and if this works out, he will be set for graduation. He is a good role model, I wish I was as hard working.

I was talking to a friend, who is 34, but I'd think he was 26 or so. We were talking shop during the exams and then I could hear his daughter on the other side of the line and I mentioned something about missing class. He said, you are here on vacation right?, what reason do you have to miss class. He was like, I mean you don't work, you don't have kids, why reason would you not go? He made a good point, but the idea that I am here on vacation in a sense is somewhat true. Not just because I am in Miami, but I still don't have any real responsibilities. I don't have kids, have to support myself, have a chick, or any other obligations, but school. I am very lucky and very blessed. I don't not want any of those obligations because I do wish I could have my degree, could be working, raising a family and in love, but I still value the fact that I am living a relaxed life right now.

Fed got me America the book by Jon Stewart for Christmas. It was really awesome of him, especially how much I enjoy the daily show. I have read part of it and it is a pretty funny book and is right up my alley.

I have until now and the 20th to relax, do laundry, clean up and enjoy Miami. I do plan to do a lot of relaxing, start running again as I was doing before finals and going back to church. A lot of students went home right afterwards, but I am really happy I took some time for myself.

It is time to do what I always knew was best

Finals

"You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next." - Just Married

I am now done with my first real law school final, Property. I won't talk too much about the exam because there isn't much I can do about it now, but I did study hard for it, so I hope I was able to translate that on the test. I figured I'd take a few moments to write for a bit. The preparation for the first exam was hard, but now I am off in a Marathon of exams until Dec 11th with an exam every 3 days. I pretty much get two days an exam to study. Of course as times goes on, my energy is decreasing and my motivation is also not what it used to be. I hope I can really do well because I feel like I am putting a lot of myself into this, I mean I don't do much else. Yeah I procrastinate like everyone else, but I am not slacking off. I have had a few distractions during this study period, but nothing that has blown me off course in anyway.

I have been reading a bit about cats because of the procrastination factor. It is interesting to learn why they do certain things. I've read a lot about how animal's are just like machines, but people put human emotions on them so we are the ones that think they are angry, mad, happy or loving. It is an interesting debate I think, because I'd hate to think they are just acting on instinct solely. The cool stuff I have read is how cats tend to train humans, and I've noticed that I am pretty trained. Also it hit me that Mia's name is the first 3 letters of Mia-mi. I didn't intend for that, but it's cool. I guess she will always be a reminder of my time here. I'm still trying to find a sitter for them when I leave for break, it is going to be two weeks, and so far I don't have anyone so I am somewhat worried. There is a service that charges about 250 bucks, but that is way too much. I wish I knew more people that weren't going home for break or lived here.

The Cable company just changed all the channels. This totally sucks because now I have to learn a whole new set. Imagine, you grow up learning channel 4 is cbs and when you leave to college channel 4 is something else. Then you finally learn channel 4 is ABC in NY and then you move to Arlington and channel 4 is NBC. You move a city away (Alexandria) a year later and channel 4 is now WB. Then you move to Miami and channel 4 is UPN. Then about 6 months later they change it on you. Now imagine that for every channel. It is really annoying and I hate not being able to quickly jump to comedy central because I'll have to check all the channels now. Also, I need to reprogram my TV because now I have a channel 18 and there wasn't one before, so my TV skips it right now. See I tell you procrastination can kill you.

You would you rather be forgotten or just not exist?