Round 2

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it...It's called the principle of favorability, beginner's luck. Because life wants you to achieve your destiny." - Paulo Coelho

School has now started again. This is my second semester of law school. I don't think I am ready to get back to the grind of reading case after case, especially considering that I have a stack of personal books in front of me that I really want to read. It is like I'm trying to walk up an escalator that is going down, so if I just stand there and do nothing I get farther and farther
away from my goal, but each step is much harder than usual. That is what I like about breaks, it is like the escalator stops moving, and though you can do work, at least if you don't you don't fall behind.

I need to get used to my new schedule. I loved my schedule last semester, mainlybecause I didn't have to wake up too early. This semester my schedule isn't as good as I wanted. Mondays and Weds are good, I start at 10:45, get 2 hours for lunch/study then class at 2pm and then I'm done. I like that. But Tuesday Thursday I start at 9am and then have another class right after at 10:45pm. I am done at noon. This might seem good to morning people, but I'm not liking it, I have no time to study between classes, so I have to do my full work the night before, then to make matters worse, Tuesday's I have a class at 6:30pm, which means I have to come back to school and then just because I complained, on Thursday's I have a TA session (mandatory class) at 8am. Crazy I tell you. I don't even know when my dean's fellow's are yet. Friday's I have one class at 2pm, which I like because it lets me sleep in Thursday night. I also found out today that I am in the top 15% of my class, but had I got that .1 more I'd be in the top 10%. I talked to my writing professor and found out I was the highest B+ and I missed my A by one point. That is life I guess.

The beginning of a new year and a new semester tends to give one a lot of motivation. I want to cash in on this right now while I'm still pumped because I know that soon life will go back to normal. I hope to finish up Get the Edge and Personal Power by the end of the month. I have downloaded a lot of other audio books, so it will be interesting to see how many I actually listen to. I still am not feeling the school thing, but I'm sure I'll pick it up again.

There are things I talk about over and over, but the more I think about them, the more they come up. One is what I would call the nice guy bullshit. Most guys want to be good guys, but there is a fine line between not being an asshole and just being a pussy. I think when you like someone, you have to fight the impulse to be a pussy because if someone can't respect you, they
probably won't like you and I really doubt will truly ever be able to love you. You also don't want to deny your own feelings just to play a game since what use is being with a person if you can't enjoy the feelings you have for them. I'm sure it is a balancing thing, something you learn with every relationship. The one who cares less seems to control the relationship and is usually the one to end things. (not liking as much) It goes back to the just be yourself junk, but I guess that is the best you can do. Either way, this isn't even an issue for me right now so I won't stress.

I tend to think of myself as a victim a lot more than an asshole. I guess it is easy to do that because when I am an asshole, I apologize to myself and easily forgive myself and move on, but when I am a victim, even if I forgive the person who hurt me, the feeling lingers and I am less easily forget it. So when I think about it in general I feel like more of a victim than and asshole, but it might very well be the other way around. I can quickly think of all the times I have been hurt or screwed over, but it takes me a long time to think of all the times I have hurt other people and I'm sure I probably have forgotten a few of those. Either way, a victim mentality sucks and it is not a problem I have in general, but there are times when it is just too easy to feel sorry for yourself.

I miss ya.

Art Deco

“You’re a tower of strength. You are like a great portrait over a fire place; words have been invented to describe women like you. Flinty, impervious. I think you are formidable. You use your strength to separate yourself from everyone, but it’s thrilling when your defenses are down. That is your winning combo.” - Something's Gotta Give

My friend Terri came to visit me in Miami. It is always nice to have guests and I want to become a good Miami host, so this should work out as great practice. Terri is quite the interesting girl, a girl very different than I have ever met before, a girl I don't understand. She is one of those beautiful and very confident people, yet you feel like you have to get around this wall to ever really get to know her, but you know it will be worth the wait. She is a great person to talk to though and even though romantically she is not an option, she is a great person to know and it was great to see her.

So I start off the trip on a bad foot. I get bumped off my early flight, so the later flight I take gets me to MIA at 4:58pm. Well Terri gets into Ft. Lauderdale at 5pm. There is no way in 2 mins I can get my stuff, take a cab home, get my truck and pick her up, so she ends up having to take an expensive cab. I felt terrible about it, but there was really nothing I could do and I explored all my options, but I don't know too many people here and the ones I do know work.

Well I purchased a Frommer's Florida Guidebook as featured in Eurotrip so that I could learn all the touristy places to go. Weds night we watched Lost and Alias, two of her favorite shows and shows I had never seen. The were both actually good and I can see why there is such a following. We ordered food from Kitchen Chicken or is it Chicken Kitchen. Oh real quick... so when I get home I was so very happy to see Koki and Mia. Koki had lost weight, so I guess her weight management food is working. Koki was so happy to see me and I felt bad for leaving her, but my friend who took care of them did a great job. It is great to know there are people you can count on and it good to know those you can't. I don't know if I was more excited about seeing Terri or having her meet Koki. koki took a quick liking to her, it almost made me jealous to think it took all that time for Koki to like me that much and now she was all over Terri. Mia was still scared, but she was doing her laying down 3 feet away from us thing, so I'm letting her take that at her own pace.

Thursday we started the day going down to Coconut Grove. I have heard a lot about that area, but had never been there. We went to the Coco Walk and had a late lunch at the Cheesecake factory. It was nice talking and catching up. So much law school talk, I can't really help it, but it is what is going on in my life right now. After we walked around and bit and then drove over to South Beach. We drove down Ocean drive and then went to Lincoln Road. We walked around there and saw all the shops they had, but we didn't do too much exploring.

Once we got home, I went to buy groceries and then we watched the OC while I cooked dinner. We usually chat during the OC, so it was cool actually having her there to talk to about it in person. Since my cooking skill are less than minimal, I put together some hamburger helper and some chicken rice. I feel like it turned out ok.

At night I was going to take her out to Coconut grove, but instead decided to go to South Beach instead. We started off at the Delano, a very nice hotel with an outdoor bar near a wading pool. The place looks awesome and is a great place to have a drink and meet up with friends before going out. After we went to this club called Mynt. This was the same club where the velvet ropes would not move for me and my friends because we were guys in the past, but thanks to Terri, we got in with no problem. The club was nice and actually reminded me of Dragonfly in Dupont in DC. We had a good time and it had been a while since I had gone out and had fun.

On Friday, we slept in because we got in late. It kind of sucked because I wanted to get up early and go to the beach, but sleep always outweighs. We finally did get up and I took her to eat at Pollo Tropical. It is a Miami staple and I think everyone should eat there. It was 80 degrees outside, all 3 days were beautiful come to think about it, so we ate outside. After, we drove over to south beach. Of all the time I have been here, I had yet to see the beach, much less set foot on it. I learned from my guidebook that the sand is hard packed by the army corp of engineers and only a small strip near the water is soft. We took a walk on the beach and it was nice, but I think my expectations for the beach were too high. The sand wasn't that great, there was a lot of litter, too many men, and over all it was just ok. If I had to rank the beaches I have seen in my life, I'd say they would be Cancun (white sand), Puerto Rico, Santa Monica, South Padre, Daytona, Miami, Virginia Beach and Atlantic City. The sun was going down so I didn't have to worry about getting burned or even getting a tan.

Saturday I drove her to the airport. I was pretty quiet on the trip. I said goodbye and now life will be like it never happened. Just moments I guess, just a bunch of moments, some better than others, some eternal, these, they were nice. I learned some good things about myself during these few days, things that only give me more hope as I move forward.

Now that I look back and reflect on this trip, I feel like I am on my way to becoming a good Miami host. I am learning my way around more and learning where things are. I need to talk to more locals and find out the hot spots and fun things to do. It totally sucks that I didn't get to take pictures, but some people just don't like taking pictures, which means you don't get to have any tangible memories. Anyway, this is going to be my Miami semester where I really take advantage of this city, maybe even learn to surf. I hope it ends up being fun.

sucks to be a good boy

Time to return

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." -Ambrose Bierce

This is one of those trips home where I am really going to miss leaving. Usually it is bittersweet and I am excited about leaving, but this time I felt so relaxed and comfortable that going back to be alone on the East Coast seems a bit scary. I know I'll get back into the groove of things in no time and I do have some great distractions once I arrive as well. I really do think you appreciate home more when you are away because I know if I lived there I'd probably not view it as wonderful since the daily stress of life would be more important to me than the big picture of seeing my family. It was a break that not only enjoyed, but needed as well.

Today is a big day for me, I finally got my own website name. http://www.martinalaniz.com/. I figured it is probably a good idea to own my own name and since I have a website already, I might as well just use that one. The drawback is any shred of anonymity I might of had before, is now totally gone. I figure I won't worry about it too much and if I happen to upset people, well at least I'll know it wasn't intentional or if it was, then there must of been a reason. If you think about it, what I write is just a small snapshot of some of my thoughts, but I'd hate for people I don't see too often, like family or friends I don't keep in touch with to judge me exclusively by what I say. Then again, I don't worry too much because I enjoy writing this crap cause it lets me vent and my own little form of therapy.

I'm going to start at the end and work backwards. This flight experience to Florida sucks, and I know travel horror stories are plentiful and boring to hear, but mine is just sucky, not the worst, but right now I'm not enjoying it much. First off, I get sick. I am hopped up on all kinds of over the counter drugs and it feels like it makes no difference. I went to the corner store to get meds cause I felt too sick to travel the vast aisles of walmart and I didn't know what to get of my marked up selections. In the end I just got what was most expensive since common sense might reason that it costs more because it is better. I know this is faulty logic, but I feel like I do it a lot as a consumer. So I was so sick that I got pulled over by a border patrol agent prior to going through security. He asked me if I was an American citizen, a question I took my time to answer and gave a perplexing "yes?." Then he looks at me and my indifference, not knowing that I want to yell out "house slave, you fucking Mexican house slave" in his face, but I had already been bumped off my first flight and since I had a guest coming to visit, I couldn't risk missing another flight due to giving this guy an extra hard time. He then asks me where I was born after looking at my license. I once again delay and act like I'm thinking and then say the name of the city
I was in, McAllen. He reluctantly let me go, but next time I tell you, my answer will be "que?" and then "si!" I know he is doing his job and all, but though I understand the need for border patrol, I feel that their abuses go unnoticed and seem justified to people since they view Mexicans as less than people. I guess anyone of color has less worth, something that society instills in us that we either ignore and feel good about feeling equal, or see and try to at least make people be honest about it. I then walked throught the metal detector with my phone in my pocket, I was sleepy.

Ok, well back to the Texas part of the story. The end of my visit was nice. I went to Harlingen with my nieces, Bekkah and Jamie and my mother to see my grandparents. Their ionic breeze I got them seems to be working well. We did the usual thing and went out to eat and talked a bit. As much as I enjoy talking to my grandparents, the language barrier keeps me from getting into really in depth conversations, ones I wish I could have before they pass away. I guess that will only add to my motivation to increase my language skills, so by next Christmas hopefully I will be closer to that.

My younger sister Eliza invited me over for dinner. She cooked enchiladas and rice for me, my mom and older sister. Eliza is known for her great rice, something I still don't know how to make. The meal was great, and I hadn't had enchiladas at all on my trip, and them being one of my favorite foods, I was very happy to have them. It did make me think of how Vero used to make them for me when I was down, so it was nice of Eliza to remember that and kind of pick up where she left off. Eliza is living in a very nice apartment, much nicer than I had expected. I had wanted her to move back in with my mom, but after looking at her nice place I can see what it would be hard to give that up. I hope though that she can see that paying rent on a place is not owning it and that it is in her best interests to work until the end of the summer, then quit, move in with my mom and finish up school. She doesn't have the motivation for it right now, especially since you have to compare it with working where you not only get positive validation for a job well done, but also a paycheck that helps you feel independent. Whereas in school, she sees 2 long years ahead, with classes she might not do well in and no clear picture of what she would want to do after. So she is picking the short run over the bigger picture...and I agree that in the short run her plan of action might be fulfilling, but she knows there is no future in it, she knows that no matter how hard she works there will be a ceiling, that 30,000 will be the salary she will work up to after many many years of work not much harder than that she would end up doing with a degree. She might think she can live off of something like that, but I think goals are important, and she needs to find the self worth in herself to know she is worth more and have higher goals for herself. I know lectures won't work, nor will trying to pressure her to make this decision until she decides it for herself. Somehow though, I feel like if she doesn't start in the fall, then the road will not only be uphill as it already is, but circumstances will make it even more difficult, the circumstances of which I don't know yet, but in life they always come up.

I saw the movie Meet the fockers. I wasn't too much of a fan of Meet the parents, though I did find it funny, I found it hard to watch. The fockers on the other hand I really enjoyed. It really hits your deep rooted childhood mindset where you think everyone else's family is perfect and yours is so abnormal or dysfunctional. It has the good old "be yourself" message. It had a few good laughs, but I would recommend it as a rental never the less.

Imagine this, a $900 vacuum, only one room with carpet and a good salesman. I guess you can sell ice to an Eskimo. Then the vacuum doesn't even work and you don't raise hell.

The day before I left I spent some time with my father, just shooting the shit and then we drove over to his property so that I could see the progress he has made. This is a cool thing about going home, I can see his house get more and more built. The framing for the roof is now going up and I think in a few months he should have a roof. Once that is done, I think he will really be able to start working on the inside and it will begin to take more shape. I was happy to see that all the walls were up and that progress was still being made.

For whatever reason I had not gone to visit my sister Vero in the cemetery. I felt like I talked to her enough when I prayed, when I write on my website and during that day that I didn't have the need to go, but there is still something about being at the place where your sister was laid to rest. Now let me tell you something, my sister died almost 2 years ago and would you believe that my fucking brother-in-law "Jaime Castro from Edinburg Texas"(hope you pick this up google), has yet to still buy a tombstone for his deceased wife. It really makes my blood boil. Because he was the husband he is the only one who can purchase the stone and he won't let us do it. I have not talked to him since the funeral and if it weren't for my nieces who I love very much and don't want to jeopardize not getting to see, we would probably be more proactive about reminding him of what a disgraceful asshole you have to be to leave my sister's resting place pretty much unmarked. It was almost 5am and I went to visit Vero and I couldn't find it. It is sad that I have to look for other people's tombstones, just to find out where she is buried. I told my nieces that all I wanted from their family for Christmas or ever was for him to finally buy the stone, hell we'll even pay for it, all he has to do is give us legal permission to put one there, but the bastard just lives at home under his mom's control doing nothing about this. He told his girls that he was going to order one and then later said it wasn't the right time. Really, am I irrational here, I mean 2 fucking years, seriously man, but he is the father of the two girls who I see not only as nieces, but as little sisters so our hands are tied. I do feel ashamed for not fighting harder, but from a distance it is easier to be mad and not do anything then to be close and have to risk the shaky relationship we have which lets us see the girls every 2 weeks or so. Really, I can't think of a legitimate reason and if he did indeed have one, you'd think he would share it, you know so I could tell him how stupid he is to think anything is more important.

I've been doing ok playing poker, but I know I have a long way to go. I want to learn to play more aggressively, but it is hard when playing against new players because they will call anything, even with crap cards and it of course ends up on bad beats for me. The two times I played I got to the final showdown with Rick heads up. Both times I lost, which means that I need to learn a good heads up game cause that is the barrier between me and the money. I hope to keep up my study and practice of poker, but I just haven't found anyone here that plays much. I don't want to hang out in the casinos because I'm not that good yet and would rather get my practice in on a home game. Also, my online games are gonna start costing me soon.

I hate when you know how things are going to turn out, but still have that hope it might be different.

Looking forward to the days to come

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to change the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E.B. White

Welcome 2005. 2004 was a good one, a year of a lot of change and emotional ups and downs. I'm in a completely different place than I could have ever imagined a year ago. I wonder what 2005 has in store for me. Change is always uncomfortable, but I forsee a lot more change in the next year and moreso in the ones to hopefully come.

Abram went back up to San Marcos for New Years, and Ana threw a party at her place. I went there for a while and spent time with her, Eliza and my nieces and nephews and then I went to Rick's place where we had a BBQ. Juan was the resident chef and did a great job on the fajitas. We had a good time and ended the night playing a bit of poker, which went well for me, but I learned that my heads up play is really lacking. This year I have a lot of things I plan to do, but they are not resolutions, just goals I figure I'll work harder towards. Like the list of books I want to read, the list gets longer and longer.

Today I helped my mom put away the Christmas tree, despite my objections that we wait until after 3 kings day. This was the first year I learned about a food you eat on new years and how you are supposed to eat grapes. You learn something new all the time I guess. After putting away the tree, I noticed my mom's make up bag, and then it hit me, it was the gift I got her for christmas last year. Well it wasn't a makeup bag, but a bath and body works bag she now uses for her makeup. So now I know that it was a good gift. I helped her order a dell computer online, since she is getting more computer literate and the one she has is so messed up it isn't even useable for anything, maybe not even typing. It won't come in until after I am gone, but this summer when I return, I hope to set it up for her now that she will have had lots of practice with it.

Today I spent a lot of time watching football. The Texas v. Michigan Rose Bowl was amazing. Herbert called me from the game in the fourth quater and it was so loud, he was having a great time. Texas won on a last second field goal and I learned V. Young was an amazing athelete.

People always say it is easier to give advice than follow your own, which in practice is so true. When I talk to other people about their decisions and choices in life sometimes I find myself really talking to myself. It is so clear when you see it from out here, but inside it never seems so clear. So I have learned that hearing other people's problems really helps me deal with my own. Right now I wish people would make decision based on what is best in the long run, not was is easier or less bad in the short run. Sometimes we don't feel like there are options, but that is because options were not something you learned to look for.

I was told a funny story and told it was true and recent, but it has gone through the grapevine a bit. So this lady was driving her car on the way the mall and hit a cat. She stopped and felt so bad for the cat, she wrapped it up in paper and took it with to bury it when she got home She gets the mall and doesn't want the dead cat to stink up the car so she puts it in a neemun marcus bag she had in the car and put it outside the car to get when she finished her business at the mall. This other lady saw the abandoned bag and walked nonchantly next to it and picked it up and walked with it into the mall. She takes her stolen bag and goes to the foodcourt and sits down to eat. She then looks into the bag and is horrified and starts to scream and falls and hurts herself. They had to call the ambulence and maybe she was passed out I think. So when they get her, they put her in the ambulence and then some good samartian notices her bag and gets it for her and then they put it on top of her in the ambulence as the door close. Moral of the story, don't steal stuff cause it might be a dead cat. According to the story, the people saw her hurt and all, but didn't claim the bag because they feared getting in trouble and explaining the dead cat and why it was in the bag and why a stranger had it since it would be more trouble than standing quiet and I think laughing a bit.

time to move past just potential