Feeling Guilty

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." - Mark Twain

I have one more year of law school left. I wonder what type of motivation I will take into the year. I wonder how hard my classes are going to feel, how much I'll just be hoping to finish up. I think I wouldn't of minded being done already, nor maybe even taking the bar this summer if I got a year head start. I need to figure out a way to use this year the most to my advantage. I need to focus my energy on finding a job and making sure I can use all these years of work to finally start making money that I can live on.

I finished listenting (audiobook) Annie Duke's book. I thought it was really good. It is nice to hear the life story of other people whom you would consider normal. She is anything, but normal, but just seeing that everyone shares a lot of the same goals, fears and troubles makes you feel a lot better. It didnt' improve my poker game much, but it did make me feel more motivated.

It wasn't too long ago I was talking to someone and I mentioned that I didn't understand how anxiety attacks worked. It didn't make sense to me that you could feel so anxious that it would literally cripple your being able to do anything. Life is full of anxiety, how could you ever let it win and could it really be something I couldn't control or fight back against, I mean its in your head right. I still won't venture to say I understand them, but I feel like I had a form of one yesterday. It was something I had had in my life before, but I never knew how to classify it so I just chalked it up to feeling weird. I was at work and all of a sudden my heart just started racing, and I felt trapped, like I wanted to get out, just get away. My chest started really hurting and I couldn't sit still. It wasn't anything where I didn't have control, but I also couldn't be productive at all. Everything just felt futile. I'm used to stress building up and coming out in negative ways like my eating habits or lack of activity, but never did it every have such a physical effect as it had this day. I self diagnosed of course, that is something us people without health insurance tend to do a lot, and I could only explain it as being anxiety. There are long term things that continually stress me, like school, work ethic, relationships and finances, but I tend to just take these on in stride (well my kind of stride). I think it had to do with recent stressful things I had been dealing with that I had left resolved/unresolved just the day before. Then there was just irrational thoughts and fear that pops in your mind making you feel worse. Like feeling that you are not productive enough, going to get fired, that you won't have a place to live at the end of the summer and on and on. Usually you just distract yourself from such things, but this day I just had a research project to work on and I just added that to the fustration. The day ended and I raced home. When I got there I had a beer, played a game of poker and then fell asleep at 9 or 10pm. This never happens.

Today I feel much better, but the thought that stresses in my mind could manifest themselves in physical ways scares me. It also makes me feel weak, like I am not strong minded enough to control this stupidity. I mean, relax, life is good, why let these things mess with you. So my little experience, which I'm blowing up here to look bigger than it really was. I mean I didn't faint, throw up or do curl up in a ball. But I did feel intense pressure on my chest, and the fight or flight responses in my system turned on without having anything to fight or run from. I figure I'm better off thinking about it now than if it got worse later.

In more upbeat news, they killed that terrorist guy. Nope, not the actual important one (Bin Laden), the Iraq important one. Maybe he was like their George Bush, once you get rid of him, you get rid of the problems. Oh maybe he was just the face of a bigger problem (in W's case, the conservative right) and they will find another lacky. Point is, we finally get some good news and when killing people is good news, you know something must be wrong.

convenient

06-06-06 - Can you spell it?

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

I looked at CNN and saw, "NJ girl wins spelling bee." I had once on the Rosie show seen this girl who won and went to report at the next years spelling bee. That was interesting at the time. I didn't know what to expect when Mark invited me to a spelling bee last night because a friend of his was competing. It was the finals and it wasn't just a spelling bee, it was a dc bar spelling bee. All kinds of images jumped in my mind, from drunk kareoki (see I'm a terrible speller) to a boring school type spelling bee. I didn't jump at the invitation, but I knew I should get out of the house. The bee was held at a bar in DC that had a stage set up in the back. It was being filmed for a documentary I was told. I heard the documentary about the national spelling bee did very well, but I haven't cared to see it. The people at this bar were unique and it was hard to classify them. They weren't totally Black Cat, indi punk rocker kids, but instead I guess would be called Urban youth maybe. Everyone seemed very intelligent, but quirky in so many different ways. No one was an outsider but not feeling different enough did make me feel a bit odd. It was a crazy crazy world I got to tell you. Ages 22-32, all smart educated, some dorky, dressed liked they lived in Grenich (sp?) Village in NYC.

They had this competition each week on Monday nights and this was the finals. It was a packed stage and there were seats for about 12 contestants on one side and a table with two announcers on the other. One announcer was a an attractive girl who described herself as an indian indi punk rocker (hence where I took the term earlier) and the other guy wore a black suit with a blue shirt and reminded me a bit of Pedro from Napoleon D.. This was a crowd that would love that movie and Wet Hot American Summer too I gather.

Quick tangent, so Dave who was competing got to meet the guy who made W.H.A.S. They were hanging out at the black cat and he came up and asked him if he knew of any places open late. Something to that effect. He tried to hold in the 'The so and so diner is open until 4 -- I am deciding on whether to dump my girlfriend based on your movie and if she likes it (very quickly said) -- and this other bar is open too." He didn't want to be an obvious fan, but damn, it must of been hard to fight it.

Back to the Bee. Every contestant had a crowd of fans, and each seemed like they were picked for their personality type and camera value rather than their spelling ability. As each one went up it was as if they had a pre-arranged stand up routine before they had to spell. But you could tell it was off the cuff and they were just having a good time, drinking and spelling...though some seemed to take it more serious than others. Every person that went up was so funny, each making a witty joke with the audience heckling back. The heckling was great too because people knew when to be respectful and quiet and when to shout out randomness that I can't even describe. You had the guys with the band t-shirt and a beer...the I'm shady tshirt guy with sunglasses, the tall girl who looks like she is the kindest girl ever, the much older guy, the gay guy who's bf's name was dick, the announers ex, whom she kept asking about his current girl (that was funny) and the those two very dry and funny (a different kind of funny) announcers. Don't forget about a bell, and sound effects for when they got an answer wrong.

One girl that kicked ass was this black girl that did a rap (her last name was Bee) and it was great. Seriously, she could of done that on TV, I'm sure it will make the documentary. She had t-shirts made for her and her friends each with a funny saying, like something about being under her "spell."

Sometimes the contestants asked for sentences and made funny jokes, or the person's fans would yell something about them being great. There was an older lady in the audience, looked like a high school english teacher, spelling along on her notebook, I think it was dedicated to her maybe. She didn't seem to like the crowd yelling back at first, but quickly adapted to this unqiue type of bee. It just seemed hard to be that serious about spelling.

Our guy put on a show, but went out in the first round. He was very laid back and reminded me of the type of guy you would meet in Austin. He sentence has something to do with rubbing some substance over yourself. He made sure to have the girl repeat it as he touched his nipples.

I left to get another beer and missed the chaos that ensued, but was caught up later. I was told that at one point a person spelled a word wrong, but it went unnoticed, so a person from the audience stood up and said that the integrity of the game had been questioned, passed a note to the judges to review the tape. There was an argument and the guy was forced to spell two words to clear up any problems. Later, there was some word like sophism (I can't spell and don't even know the real word) and half the audience corrected the person's pronouncation. There were a lot of legal terms used it seemed, but though I use them daily in my class notes, I couldn't spell them if I had to. It was such an interesting sight, a whole other world. For some reason it reminded me of this tv show, this or that, that I saw on public access. I hate spelling, I'm terrible at it, but this bee was totally worth it. So I was at a spelling bee, at a bar on a Monday night. Check them out http://myspace.com/spellyoulater

Today is that day, the 6th of June 2006. Some people claimed today would be the end of the world, but then again it was supposed to end in 2000, and many times in the past as well. My mounting credit card debt wouldn't mind it, but hopefully today won't have any satanic significance. I'll probably go about having a normal day letting the religious nuts try to figure out if there is anything worth paying attention to today. I'll be dead in 3006, but there isn't anything to do today right? Fight evil?

Today my mother and younger sister Eliza with her daughter Tori are coming to DC to visit my aunt (and me). I probably won't see them until the weekend. I'm kind of embarassed because my place is a mess and I don't know what to show them. I can't take them to bar, and I don't know what kind of stuff they would enjoy. I guess we will figure it out.

My father was a gambling man in a sense. You learn a lot from your parents growing up. I learned that when other people are depending on me, I need to be responsible, but when it comes to just myself, then I don't have to be as responsible. It wasn't told to me, but shown in subtle ways. My father had a hobby and in it contained a form of gambling. Over the long run, he won more than he lost, he only bet money he could afford to lose and none of this was tied in anyway to our standard of living. We didn't need him to win or not lose to pay the bills. The problem was that my father was good at what he did, but never seemed to be the best. He had all the experience in the world, growing up in a family with that history, he knew the game inside out and could train his game better than most. All too often I would hear stories about near wins, bad beats and high payout derby's that were just within his grasp. I always attributed it to his lack of bankroll and resources, lack of being able to put all his time into it becuase he worked a full time job and just the times catching up with him. Maybe it was the bankroll problem, he couldn't afford big facilities, he couldn't wager at the higher stakes without putting him in financial perial, he couldn't afford the best drugs or bred game. But he was smart and knew how to win, enough to keep him going, but not enough to be dominating. He knew he was better than most of the competition out there, but he couldn't always prove it. He was very risk averse though, didn't like gambling in general, but this wasn't gambling to him, it was like a hobby, a skill with money behind it. If you were better than the other person you weren't taking a chance even though luck did play a small part.

Well I do have the gambling bug and am very risk averse right now. I enjoyed blackjack through college and love casinos. Now I have this poker addiction that I'm feeding with low stakes. The problem with blackjack was that with all the money I won and lost, and all the time I spent playing, I never took it seriously as far as playing for anything more than fun or the endorphins I would get from winning (and sometimes losing). I never read books on it other than basic strategy, never studied the math, never wanted, well tried, to be great at it.

So here I am playing poker now. I've been playing along for a few years just getting experience but not truly learning anything. If I had a bankroll, then I could do well I tell myself, but that is bull. I need to not settle for just doing well, just winning enough to keep playing, I need to find that killer instinct in me and learn the game and the math (I am not a big math fan anymore) correctly. I don't want a pile of unread books sitting there as I lose another low stakes sit and go wondering if maybe its bad luck or I just suck. So I'm going to do what I faulted my father for, going to try to be the best rather than just knowing I am better than most out there, I want to prove it. Its time to take responsiblity for my choices instead of just saying I never learned to win from my parents.

I've also never had a problem standing the shadow of people's whose skills were better than mine because it works for me in two ways. One I can learn from them, and second, I can spend that time learning and getting better and when it comes time for the competition, I can surprise people and do very well. Yeah people will think I just got lucky, but I will know it was more than that. But if I don't get better than the people I shadow, then that is fine too because I don't have to beat them, I have to beat others and if they are not as good then I'll take them down. Rick taught me to play chess by kicking my ass daily at a summer camp when we were younger. He got very good at the game and I learned enough to be competitive. I never even got close to his level, but had no problem beating a lot of other people. Had I just tried to learn on my own I'd probably just have been average. (Now, due to my memory skills, I can play, but am not competitive to anyone other than an amateur.)

So I bother Mark a lot, asking him what he would do in certain situations, getting his advice on my play or my plan of action. He seems to get it (poker) a lot better than I do. I have to read to learn that tight agressive play is the best, but that is just normal for him without reading the books. He can fold when he knows he is beat, I went from not knowing I was beat, to knowing, but not folding. My mind is consumed with poker right now, and I know many a person's in my age range feels the same way, but I'm here too, so I might as well give it a shot or quit. I have a chance here to work hard and learn how to play better and try and fail, instead of just playing and failing like I have been doing. So when I have given it a good shot, really tried, really learned, but am just not good then I'll know that I can give up, but I'll also know that unlike 95% of the stuff in my life, I wouldn't have half assed it.

That brings me to....I half ass way too much in life. From when I would run in sports, to how I played games, my school work, my study habits, my financial control and even in my daily life. I don't push myself to learn new things or get better at the ones I'm good at because I know how much better everyone else is than me. Why be shitty at something when doing my best that another person's half ass would be better I thought. I need to work hard, but in a different way than the hard I work now. My hardwork now is committing to a goal and getting there even if it means small steps and just getting by. I need to just focus on the things that are important to me and do my best at those. Yeah I'll never be the best at anything, that I conceed, but I can be better than the person I'm going to be if I keep up this track. Lots of talk though and we all know my follow through isn't always as great as my talk.

internship

I don't know

"No one gossips about other people's secret virtues." - Bertrand Russell

I remember when I was younger, I had a friend that lost a pet. It really hit my friend hard and though I felt bad for my friend, part of me just couldn't understand the sadness because I had never yet really loved a pet. Once I got Koki, the thought of losing her is beyond believe. You feel selfish for feeling that way because people pass away and that is much worse, yet I know I'd feel terrible. Growing up, we had lots of animals around the house, mainly outdoor cats, and they died, a lot. All kinds of ways. You just got used to it, I never paid them much attention nor took my sister seriously when she was sad that yet another cat was hit by a cat. I knew there would be more cats. Then I got a pet and that cold feeling is something I'll never be able to have again. A friend of mine has a cat that she loves who is sick. She knew when she got her that she her sickness might win over, but there was always hope. Atari has so much energy and was so alive it was hard to imagine the sickness setting it. It finally caught up to her, and now her immume system is now weak and she has been getting worse. She had spent a lot of money to make sure this is what is wrong with her and to get medicine, but these things can only delay things and we dont' even know how long. This is a terrible position to be in, for her and for Atari. I feel badly for her and am myself feeling down that this innocent kitten is having to go through this. I wish there was something I could do. She asked me a question today.

What would you do if it were Koki?

I've thought about that, thought about it a lot, when we first found out and now that she got sick. If Koki were sick I think at first I'd be selfish and keep her with me because it would be so hard for me to let her go. I think that once I saw she was in true pain, I'd have to let her go. I think I would have to be there holding her though it if they would let me because I would want her to go knowing I was there with her until the end. This makes me really sad and I hate that atari has to go through this.

There are couples that you look at and admire because they seem so much in love. They look like the perfect couple, always happy to be together and just two great people. It makes you think that this is the way relationships should be. Sometimes these relationships end and it is hard to comprehend. There might be great couples out there, but it doesn't mean that every great relationship was meant to end in marriage.

addiction

The Vet

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to change the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E.B. White

I don't notice details. I live my life trying to get from point A to point B. When I meet a person or have an encounter, I don't waste time observing what color pants they are wearing, the background sounds, or even the landscape. It is true I do quickly scan girls I encounter to put them in one of my many boxes ranging from hard to look at working towards that is an admirable feature, ending with way to attractive to waste my time with. But even then I don't pay attention to details, just the basics. I wake up and goal it to get to work, everything inbetween is useless. I try to do everything like a precision strike, get in, get out and then relax at home. That is what grocery shopping, school, and even going out is like. I feel like I need to start paying attention, stop living in my head so much and appreciate the things around me.

I spent all day at work in front of my computer and once the clock hit 5pm, I rushed home on my 40 min commute to play the $10 re-buy poker tournment I had joined online right before I left. In my mind I thought, well it is only ten dollars, so it could be fun. I don't mind sitting out the first half hour or so because the blinds are low and I want to wait until a few people are out. There were about 1000 people playing. I quickly added on 1500 chips to my 1500 for 10 dollars, and at the end of the re-buy period added on 2000 chips bringing mup up to 8000 for 10 dollars more. By this time, I had already invested 30 dollars into a tournament I was sure to lose. When my total bankroll for poker is about 100 dollars, this probably isn't a great idea. I decided to play tight and was in about 9% of the hands dealt. That is not easy to do. I did get lucky a few times by having my coin flips hold up, but then as 3 hours had passed, I noticed that I was getting closer to cashing. The cash pool was over 40,000 dollars, but first prize was a little over 10,000 I think. 8th place was 1000. At 81st place you win 87 dollars and it goes up from there. 81st place became my goal. I know it shouldn't be, but I didn't plan on getting this far in the first place, but to be honest of course I hoped or else I'd never play. So now 100 people are left and I have outlasted 900, which was a feat in itself. I had a medium to low chip stack, so I wasn't too worried about feeling rushed to play and figured I could just wait. Then I decided to try and steal blinds with a 4times the big blind raise with AJs. I get re-raised. Those were 4 big blinds I didn't want to lose. The guy who re-raised was larger than me and I put him on KQ or 10s. I didn't care if he had 72, I didn't want to raise the rest of my stack so I folded. Now I was much smaller, but still ok as now only 85 people were left. 4 people to go and I make 57 dollars. I did not want to be bubbleboy. Then it happens, I get pocket queens in the big blind. A guy who is smaller than me raises all in. I had no problem calling him because I knew he was desperate. But then the guy next to me, who was larger than me called. I wanted to call, I knew I was probably the favorite, but against 4 cards (2 and 2), my guess was one of those guys had an Ace and the other had a King high. Plus, they could also just get lucky with anything. So I think about it for as long as I can...if I call and lose then I am out one place before cashing. If I call and win, I will have a controling chip stack and will probably make it up to the next level of 109 dollars with no problem. Deal or no deal? 0 dollars or possible at least 109. Mark comes in and tells me to call. I fold. The cards come up and they are both trash, one guy had a K, the other had a J maybe. My Qs would of held up as the board was also trash and I sit there now with a much smaller stack (folded the big blind) watching what should be all my money go to the other small stack. I make it past the bubble and cash, making my 57 buck profit, but I was too small and inexperienced to do much damage. I soon called by a larger pair when I tried to double up finally going out in 72nd place out of 1000. This was over 4 hours of poker play later. This was also a long day in front of a computer. I am still proud of how I played and still feel my fold was the best decision I could of made based on my goal of cashing for that day, but once I start to focus on winning and not cashing, I'll make that call everytime.

I later played two small 5 dollar sit and gos. I usually cash in one and lose in the other breaking me even or a bit ahead. I lost one with a bad all in with pocket 10s which ran into Jacks. The other I did very well and got 2nd (but was close to getting first when I was heads up.) It paid just a little more than I paid to play both sit and gos and I called it a night. Mark, who has been playing exceptional poker, and at stakes I am not yet at, was so close to winning yet another $650 WSOP table. (If you win you can play your 650 to win a seat at the WSOP or use the 650 to play other tournaments.) He played great, but was hurt late by having a smaller full house. He finished one place out of the money. That is always hard.

I have some new poker books. My goal is to read as much as I can on the subject so that I can start to really understand it. I've been playing for a long time now and I'd like to play more seriously in the future. My best approach is to study it as if it were a class and build a soild game. I don't want to be the World Series of Poker Champ, nor even play there. I just want to be able to play online or in a casino and know that odds are that I'm going to do well. If anything is worth doing, its worth doing well people say. I don't feel I follow this even though I do believe this. I hope to follow this when it comes to this game. I do admit, I get really bored sitting there for hours playing a limited set of starting hands, and I am not at the level where I can use that time to understand my opponents, but I'm getting a little better each day, and then I get a lot worse, start over and get a little better each day.

father