Someone Like You

"Her best days will be some of my worst,

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,

While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,

'Cos when a heart breaks 

no it don't breakeven, even no."

- The Script, Breakeven

It is the cool of night, our clothes are lost on the floor as I lay on my back in bed and slowly brush her silky hair off her soft face as she lays sliently on my chest.  I can still taste the whiskey on my breath and her chapstick on my lips as I have little concern that I don't really know this girl all that well.  I'm still basking in the after glow of utter contentment as this was all I could think about from the moment I set eyes on her.  I take a deep breath through my nose, she smells good, but she doesn't smell like her. When she turns to roll over, I reflexively follow with my free arm and wrap her in my embrace.  Her eyes are closed and so are mine and I don't really care if she knows that the love emanating from my skin isn't for her or even about her. I'm genuinely happy in the moment, but since I don't live a lifestyle where I can keep this high going, it makes me long for the memories of holding her next to me.  It is a good way to make do in the mean time even though I'm well aware that the passion will soon burn out as it is just a match.  Those are issues for the morning, not at the present moment where I try not to fall asleep when this will just become a memory. 

It has become more apparent to me that I have hit the age where the majority of my former girlfriends are now either married or engaged.  Clearly, people are in your past and not your present for a reason, but the continual body blows of such joyous news really makes you start to take stock of your own personal choices.  No matter how heart breaking or indifferent any particular situation has been over the years, I keep coming the sobering truth that if given the option to switch shoes with any of those incredibly lucky men, I would not.  Of course, retrospect colors your initial emotional reaction which can be fueled by jealousy and selfishness.  After taking the usual path of reflecting on where I have been and where I thought I wanted to go, I really start to think where I am at and if I actually know where it is I'm going.

I have all the same preconceived notions as most people do.  One day I'm going to meet a lovely lady who I will become smitten with in a way that is different than the women that preceded her.  Something about her will be special to me, she will have apparent flaws and well hidden flaws, but they won't be that kind that magnify mine, nor will they be visible when she smiles.  I won't have to make her happy because she is already happy, but I'll try to do it anyway. After a passion filled whirlwind romance and the building of a friendship, we get married, have kids.  Then after a lifetime of adventure she will be the last thing I see as she holds my 95 year old hand before I pass in a room filled with grand kids.  It is like this narcissistic entitlement that is built into my subconscious either evolutionary or thanks to the movies of Disney or the likes of Nicolas Sparks books. It is what I have come to believe is just the nature of things, the path the story takes. This is reinforced by the fact that despite life's ups and downs, it continues to get better and more fulfilling, so that makes for a logical conclusion. Relationships become better as you are more careful on who you let in, but so do your expectations rise. I envision my life as a story, one of love, hope, and redemption that finishes with the quintessential happy ending.  It is both romantic and bland at the very same time.

What this story does is lessen my urgency to get started along that path.  I mean, with the absolute certainty that our paths will meet, and considering being a man I have nothing but time, you feel like it is an inevitability that will be here in due course.  I'm not adverse to being on that path, nor do I consciously avoid it,  but I worry that the alternative of impatience makes people settle for less than optima outcomes, whereas I also understand that having a grass is greener mentality might also partly explain a lot of things too. If I have learned anything in life, those things you work for mean more to you than those that you get for nothing, yet somehow I expect to get this for nothing.  Normally, I try not to be a person who waits for life to happen to him, but rather work to make my goals and dreams happen.  Why should my approach to relationships be any different?

I'm sure this is where certain friends and family members would interject with their well intentioned commentary about how God has a plan for everyone and he will introduce me to the perfect person, just be patient and have faith.  Despite my annoyance from such kind comments, I'm actually sadly convinced of that very fact, which is probably why it bothers me more than it should. Of course not everyone finds a perfect person, nor is anyone actually perfect, which is objectively apparent.  People have false starts, make bad decisions and accept less than what they dreamed of.  Even knowing that, you still feel that you are different, special.

You are always dealing with another fear, finding the right person, but in that very moment you find them, having the to accept the reality that  now you have something to lose and you are going to lose them.  Just fathoming the emotional investment of getting to know everything about each other, raising a family and then losing them, either to the fading of passion, end of a marriage, the arms of another or the eventuality of death, just seems like a soul crushing experience which makes me understand why old couples tend to die soon after losing a partner.

Maybe there is a different story for me, a better story that suits me, one that might not fit the norm, but is equally or more satisfying.   We all know what the answer should be, to work to find the person that will be your one, your good news.  But, I find I'm a lot happier working on being the one, a person that someone has been looking for all this time.  I mean if you want to continue to raise your standards, you have to play on that level too.  By my nature I understand my polyamorous impulses, but I accept that she will be worth the trade off.  I am just happy to have many important relationships in my life, their labels can be whatever their labels are, but what I care about most is the meaningfulness of the relationship.  I am ok with entering people's lives, enjoying our connection, learning and growing then moving on when the time is right.  I'm sure if there is no reason to move on, well than that might be the right place to stay.

So I guess I don't expect my happy ending for nothing, I expect it because I know who I am, I know the people who I have shared paths with and know that I really don't need the illusionary security of forever, just the meaningful experiences of the moment.  Everything else will just fall into place.

never quite free

Dr. & Dr. Cook

"Never marry but for love; but see that thou lov'st what is lovely." - William Penn

I spent the weekend in San Diego attending the wedding of my friend Sam and his fiance Lauren. The celebration was spectacular and like my high expectations for San Diego, it did not disappoint.  I was honored to have been invited and had a pretty memorable time.

I first met Sam in elementary school on the bus. Sam loved the Houston Oilers and it was clear then that he would grow up to be quite the sports fan. Sam was a year younger than me so we didn't interact too much until high school. From drama trips to chess matches, we hung out, but were not especially close, though we got closer over the years.  Sam also became really good friends with my friend Rick during and after college, so on visits home we got to hang out a lot more. Being on the East coast, Sam was great about coming to town to visit and his personable nature helps him make friends anywhere.  Before I knew it, Sam was one of the handful of people I kept in contact with after high school, back when you didn't have Facebook to make it so easy.

I was excited for Sam when I heard the news that he was getting married.  After meeting Lauren for the first time on this trip, I must say, he did very well for himself.  They are both reflexively kind and it is evident on their faces how much they adore each other.  They are both crazy smart which is something I always admire.  Talk about doing it the right way.  Both of them going to school and getting their Phds and then getting married...if I were their parents I'd be very proud, which you can tell, they were.

I flew into San Diego on Thursday night after work.  I checked into the hotel, met a new friend at the front desk, and then headed downtown.  I went to meet up with the guys at a bar where they were having a bachelor party which was just meeting up with the bachelorette party.  When I arrived, I met Lauren after only knowing her through stories and facebook postings.  I was instantly impressed with how genuine she was.  Since I got there before the guys, I got to meet her friends too and I was happy to see how nice and personable everyone was.  I got to meet Lauren's friends, Sam's friends and cousins.   The night was fun, we ended up at a karaoke bar and I had a fun debate about how awesome Uncle Jesse was, which I hope she took in jest.  I had a fun chat with one of Sam's cousins, who once you got past the exterior cuteness, was pretty down to earth with an interesting take on mixing drinks.  Sam and Omar did a rendition of Garth Brooks' Friends in Low Places that was the highlight of the night for me.

Rick was kind enough to let me stay at the hotel with him and Friday we got up and did some sightseeing. We visited Little Italy, had some pizza at a recommended joint and later walked around Old Town.  What really blew me away was the weather.  About 75 degrees, sunny with a cool breeze that made you feel like if you lived there, you would be the most outdoorsy active person alive. We then headed to the nice hotel where the wedding was going to be held for the rehearsal.  I finally got the meet the rest of the wedding party and everyone was so friendly.  I also ran into Omar and Krissy who I knew from high school and it was nice to catch up.  I was lucky enough to join in on the rehearsal dinner and it was great to hear the bride and groom talk about how much their friends meant to them.  This is where I got to know Max and Leah better and my suspicions that they were cool people were confirmed.  The story about how Max and Sam met and became friends was pretty epic.

Saturday, I took my rental car out and tried to take in more of the town before the wedding began.  I spent the morning at the San Diego zoo, which was a blast.  I have never seen a zoo that was so big.  I will have to return one day to fully take it in.  I then went down to the beach and had a late lunch on the boardwalk after I did some sightseeing.  By the time I got back to the hotel, I had just enough time to get my suit on and load the bus to the wedding.

The wedding was superb.  There is just something about being out on the beach with a cool breeze while the sun is shining.  You can tell they were very particular about every detail. The bride looked outstanding and Sam looked very sharp. Sam and Lauren prepared thoughtful vows for each other that they read.  They were very moving and it said a lot that they both used the term "teamwork" when talking about their union.  Rick did a good job as a groomsman, actually all the groomsmen did.  This was probably the first wedding where I sat in the audience with a drink in hand.  It was a nice touch.

The wedding was followed by a cocktail hour, which is a great idea by the way.  They were now a married couple and it was time to celebrate.  The couple looked very happy and I must say again, the ambiance on the beach cast a perfect background. Then was the reception.  The tables were numbered with math problems which I thought was clever. I met some new friends at the table. Dinner was filling and the constant stream of Maker's from the open bar kept me in great spirits.  The speeches were touching and then people danced, or in my case tried to dance, but there were smiles all around.  I had my dollar dance with the bride, which I think is the first dollar dance I have ever had.  I figured I'd follow up with my second with a dollar dance with the groom.  It seemed like a fun idea at first, but I wasn't prepared for the fact that I couldn't lead, which was fair since he was the groom, but felt different.  I don't know how you ladies do it.  The cake was great tasting and looked cool, but I have never been a cake person.

At one point we all went out on the balcony and saw the fireworks over the water, which I believed were for the wedding, but were actually from Sea World, but you know, for the wedding too, why not.  I want fireworks at my wedding.

When the reception ended, I decided to keep drinking, I mean celebrating. Krissy and I headed over to the Class of 1971 Class Reunion and hung out with the classmates, took pictures with the letterman jacket and cheerleading outfit.  We even got a memento of the 1971 class picture to take home.  Then, next door to that was another wedding reception.  Dares ensued and some how I end up on the dance floor with the mother of the bride as I tell her I'm one of the groom's cousins before I take my free drink and move on to the hotel bar to join everyone who was still out.  We hung out at the beach for a while and then called it a night.

I put some of my photos on Facebook, but here are more of my photos of the weekend: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157627277210701/

It was a classic wedding experience and I had a really great time.  I'm very happy for the bride and groom and I think I might enjoy weddings more than I thought I did.  There is just something about seeing two people crazy in love with each other.  Next wedding is up in November with another in October 2012.

Bliss

Engaging Times

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  -Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

Recently, my brother Abram got engaged to his girlfriend Ashley.  This was exciting news for the entire family. That is a pivotal step in life which I think would scary and exciting at the same time.   It has been great getting to know Ashley and it is wonderful seeing how happy they make each other.  I look forward to having her in the family.  I'm sure they have quite the year ahead of them planning for such a big event.  Life is always changing and it is great when those changes make life even better.

A lot of love stories seem to be hitting their zenith as of late.  In early August, I'll be attending my friend Sam's wedding in San Diego, CA.  You will probably be getting a full account of my trip to what I imagine to be the perfect city to live in.  I've known Sam since we were young kids on Bus 4 and to watch him getting married shows how far we have all come.  I have yet to meet his fiance which makes sense since I usually hang out with Sam about once every year or two. This I am looking forward to as well as she seems like such a cool person from what I have heard.  Then approaching in November, my cousin Rino and Jess are going to be getting married here in Austin.  I tell you, I'm starting to get really good at weddings, bridesmaids beware.  Since the entire family will be there, it also doubles as a family reunion of sorts which is nice and adds that level of excitement.  I might even have to take a day off of work to recover from that one.

The summer has been a somewhat quiet one for me.  My parents came to visit and my father built/extended my fence to include a dog run and give my backyard more space.  I was very impressed with how it turned out and did not prove to be much help.  It makes me happy that my family feels at home at my place and my mom really helped me decorate a bit and added a few plants which probably need watering now that she is gone.  My dad also brought back my dog Max who he had been taking care of for a while.  Max is a great dog, but man he is a digger.  We had to put up an electric fence to deter him at our old place.  Now him and Chloe are a digging father-daughter team, but have only engineered a few break outs thus far.  They get out, roam a bit and then come back home.  I do understand that digging is a reflection on my ownership, so I'm trying to spend more time with him so that he can burn off some of that energy.  There has not been any more sailing this summer like I imagined and I probably need to finish setting up my office and mounting my TVs around the house.  My garage is still a mess, but for now I'm just enjoying being in my home.

My younger sister Eliza, her husband Gil and their kids Tori and Celeste came to visit Austin this summer as well. Celeste seems to grow by leaps and bounds each time I see her and now that she is 3, she is a little person, which makes her more fun to interact with.  She is adorable and I don't throw out that praise generously.  Eliza got to finally meet Ashley after the great news.  It was very hot that weekend, so we didn't do the usual Austin things I like to do for guests, but next time they come, I'll be sure to make it up to them.  I also need to work on having things to do other than those that involve drinking.  I am reminded that bars are not a good place for kids.

I got to see Harry Potter 7.2 this past weekend.  That was a lot of movies and a lot of books in coming, yet all totally worth it. Emma Watson was spectacular, but my opinion on that is probably a bit biased.  I went with my friend Rebecca to a really nice theater that had couches and waiters.  It was the right way to do such an event.  Rebecca had never seen Harry Potter before, so why not just save the best for last.  I made a mistake on watching it in 3D, I'm starting to think that I don't really care for 3D much anymore, but that is another topic.

I want to start running again like I was in the spring, but I know that the day I go outside for a quick jog, all my progress on distance and stamina will be gone and I'll be starting all over.  I also know that this means a lifetime of running ahead, which makes a simple jog seem that much more daunting of a task.  Makes it easy to put off for just one more day.  Funny how your mind is great at playing tricks on you, I mean I have completely given up fighting it in the morning when it is time to get up.  I utilize a crazy chain of alarms that increase in urgency and yet my mind still wants to go back to bed, even if I've had a good nights sleep.  I wonder how much time I spend on battles with myself.  I'm slowly pulling ahead, but the clock is always ticking.

how do you know?

No Where But Up

"There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny" - Han Solo

My entire life I have heard people say, "Everything happens for a reason," despite how demonstrably untrue that statement proves to be.  It feels great to think that and I'd love to believe it, but it doesn't take long to think about all the flaws in that belief.  The key really comes down to the meaning of the word "reason."  If you give it a metaphysical meaning, something only a god can understand, well why are we even having this discussion then? But if you give it meaning of "greater good," it ceases to make sense. The cliche seems to assume that everyone gets a happy ending and everything that happens to us along the way are just lessons or twists of fate to get us to some final positive destination.  But how many people really end up at that final positive destination?

I'm genuinely a positive person and I'm not out for killing Santa Claus, and this is such a positive saying, but platitudes like, "it is all going to be ok," may make one feel better, but objectively have no basis in truth.  That would have been a better saying to take on.

It depends on the perspective you are looking at it from.  So an infant dies, well [insert grand reason here], but it ignores the fact that--to that infant--no reason is going to be good enough to justify being dead.  I guess you could factor in some reward in heaven or something for dying to teach your parents to appreciate each moment with loved ones or something like that, but you get what I'm saying.

Once again, this doesn't discount that it is still a nice phrase we use to make ourselves feel better when things go wrong.  I mean, either it can suck or it's just God's way of teaching us a lesson or helping us achieve our fate.  The latter sounds a lot better.  But then I think, oh like the lesson, "don't drive drunk", which you learned because you crashed and died after drinking. Not much use you can make of that lesson now.  Oh..... it was the lesson to your alcoholic uncle.  I get it now.  That is an unfair Ponzi scheme.

I think the more apt motivation behind the phrase is that, you should be ever positive and look for the positive possibilities and opportunities in your negative experiences.   That life is a journey and everything that happens to you is part of what got you to where you are at (for the better or worse.)  That is a lesson that everyone should follow, I genuinely mean that, but not for the reason that you believe God let something bad happen to you so that he could later he could do something really good for you.  Really, a bit selfish and narcissistic, no?

What a wet blanket I feel like I'm being, but I'm not advocating taking away the comfort a person has when they believe this, but I'm just saying that there are other ways to deal with the fact that you don't always have control of what happens to you or your loved ones.  Bad things happens to good people and sometimes good things happens to bad people.  Life isn't always fair and our outcomes are not all equal.  I think when you accept that, you tend to appreciate good things even more.  There are many things you can do to improve your outcomes, but you should always be doing that.

Now of course, there is also the understanding that universe follows the rules of physics and you have the action reaction thing, so yes, there was an "actual reason" behind what happened, but it is not the profound future looking reason people impute into that statement.  Nor does it necessarily mean something better will come from it in the future.  Though I will say, when bad things happen, usually there is nowhere to go but up, so there is that is another good way of looking at it.

I heard this phrase the other day and it made remember that you can't always control life, a lot of things you can control to an extent, but life is really just what make of it.  So why not just work to make the best of it, no matter what your circumstances?  Some people have their faith which lets you have peace that god is in control, which works great for some people.

Having over thought this for longer than I had planned, for me it comes down to looking at "reason" in "future" or "past" tense.  Anything that happens in your "past" you can attribute to something positive that has happened to you since then.  It was the "reason" you were in the right place at the right time.  But it doesn't logically work like that going forward into the "future." You can't say, X bad thing happened to me today, but for the purpose of the unknown Y good thing happening in the future.

You know, maybe I'm just completely wrong, maybe I'll never understand "the reason", but you know what, if it really is a heavenly conspiracy outside of human understanding, then you don't know either, which doesn't make that statement true.  I don't really know why I went through this brain exercise, maybe because I felt like getting some much needed writing in, plus, it made me feel better.  Maybe hearing someone throw around the cliche happened for that reason.

what I should believe and what I do believe don't always match up