Arctic Cold

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days." -Totie Fields

College football season is now over and the Superbowl is around the corner. Football season is my favorite part of the year. I wish I played more pick up touch football games, but it is hard to get the people together. It has been a long time since my last game in college. I think next year I'm going to look into volunteering to coach for a Jr. High team, though I think high school would be more fun. Then again I wonder if I have the dedication to show up each day if I was only helping and since I really just get to watch. Thinking about it, I haven't been to many professional football games in my life. I hope to change that this coming year. Maybe even check out Cowboy's Stadium for myself. Hell, it has been years since I have played Madden or NCAA football on PlayStation. I bet that would be fun.

Tuesday was 1/11/11, looks meaningful, but is really meaningless if you think about it. It makes me wonder how all the 7/7/07 marriages are doing. I like ascribing random meaning to events based on unrelated numbers we use to label them. Friday 13th anyone? I'm still looking forward to 11/11/11 for some reason.

There was a point, not that many years ago, that I decided that my lifestyle, health and weight had gotten out of control and a change was needed. I started a workout and eating program that got me in the best shape over 4 months since college sprint football. The interesting point here is that the point/weight/health I started from, where all hope was lost, where I was unhappy is actually a pretty lofty goal from where I am standing right now. Interesting how perspective changes things. What was unacceptable at one point becomes a goal in another. The solution of course is to just focus on the same former goal and ignore the incidental goal on the way there. Though as a stop gap, it is cool to tell people you just met that you just lost 50 pounds and they always look at you better I think. I've done great though, not having any cokes for the past week. I don't play to give up cokes since I like them, but I was able to get down to 2 a day for the past few years, and recently cut it to 1 and now 0. One of the problems I have is that I don't like not being able to do something or not being able to have something. The other day I was hearing about how milk was bad for you and how you should cut it out of your diet. Well I haven't drank milk since I was a little kid and hearing that made me think, man if I tried to give up milk it would be hard...yet I haven't had it in over 25 years.

Things are quiet right now I must say. I saw The Fighter and Black Swan and I recommend both. This arctic cold has come in making thing much chillier than usual. It really isn't that big of a deal though. I wish we could get some snow or something, but it is Austin and snow is rare. My self directed guitar lessons have slowed down because my music reading skills have not improved. It takes too long for my eyes to see a note, then decide what note it is, then which fingers I have to move where. Though tabs my mind is pretty quick about, but I want to learn to read actual music as I'm starting out. I might take some real in person lessons soon, so that might help me get more motived and move forward.

I paid to renew my flickr account so that all my pictures could be up. I don't know why I care about that, but I like having all my photos available for some reason. Speaking of, I need to updated the links on the side of my blog of my pictures. 2010 is completely missing. Oh, I moved my website over to a new host, which now only forwards the link to blogspot. I should have done that long ago. The problem is that all my old entries from my pre-blogger days, I'm talking 99-2003 or so are now all offline. My best stuff is there I think, but it so long ago, maybe one person a year ever saw those pages, so I decided to stop hosting them. I need to do something with those entries. [None of this will make sense to my fb notes re-publishing of my blog entries.]

Middle-School Friends Are Critical For Future Success is what a new study says and I agree completely. I think one of the reasons I did well in school was that my friends were such good role models. I fought to keep up with them, in some cases fought to keep in front of them, but the goal was always to learn more and do better. Everyone turned out pretty well I must say. I will always be grateful for having such great friends in high school, college, law school and post-college. I admire the majority of my friends and they all motivate me to work harder and be better.

that is how you know it was a relationship worth having

Fresh Start

“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning...” - Joseph Priestley

So this is it, this is the new year. It feels a lot like the previous year. I don't know why each year I feel like there is going to be some magical change, first on my birthday, where I'm going to somehow start to feel a year older and then after the new year when I'm going to feel even more different than just a few days ago because the number at the end of my checks is different by one digit. I have felt this way since I was a kid and even though there never really is a change of feeling, in retrospect, there always feels like there was. Maybe I it is due to my habit of idealizing the past and making it what I want. That said, in my mind, things do feel a bit different, but nothing I can really put into words. I do not have any big habit or pattern changes in store, but I'm working on small ones which will hopefully take.

Getting back into the rhythm of work hasn't been too bad. I've been trying to organize my office, but I have a feeling I'm just going to end up putting things where I no longer know where they are. I spent so much of my life, proportionately, at the office, so it does make sense to make it as organized and comfortable as possible. That said, I need a new chair, but I still can't justify the expense for one. I wish I had room for a couch in my office, how great would it be to be able to take a nap during lunch. I'm pretty happy with my setup though.

On Tuesday, I made my first Groupon purchase. It was for a full house carpet cleaning for $59. I was looking to pay for that service anyway, so it worked out. Now I have to actually see how good the service is. I had to schedule it for February because the calendar filled up fast, but I was able to get it on a Saturday so that I would be home to watch. I wonder if I have to move my bed or not.

There was this comic that I used to read daily for years. It is called Pooch Cafe and is probably still my favorite. I have not read it since 6/15/10 and the thought of going back and reading each day seems a bit daunting. It sucks when something you enjoy just becomes work, but maybe I should just wait until the next book comes out with all the cartoons from 2010 and just read them then. It would save a lot of clicking. You know, I haven't been reading Pearls Before Swine either, but that stopped probably in September or so. This probably says more about my all or nothing mentality about things. If I'm I'm not going to read each comic, then I'd rather read no comics. That theme manifests itself in other ways in my life.

My brother's dog Memphis got fixed this week and it is hard not to feel bad for him, but it was a good decision I'm sure. I still need to fix my cat Maddie, but part of me is putting it off because it sucks to see her in the after surgery pain. I know she will heal, but I'm not good with that type of stuff. I'm still working on training my dog Chloe, but I've been kind of stagnate in that department. I'm happy with sit and down, but I still have a lot of work.

we finally agreed

Moment by Moment

"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle." - Eric Zorn

It is the new year, 2011, an arbitrary time where we give ourselves license to start over after taking stock of the previous years. We make goals and even sometimes take a few steps in their direction before settling back into the old patterns that made the necessity to need to pick this time of year to get motivated again. I enjoy the reflecting, but I also enjoy the wishing.

2010 was year that seemed like any other, but during that year, a lot of small things happened that have had a positive impact on my life and some other things that hurt. It was a year I got my sight, lost a good friend and found out that financial goals mean nothing when you don't have a real plan. It was the year I had nothing left to let go of, but still felt like I was holding on. I finally visited DC after being gone for three years. I probably went on more dates during the year than I had in the previous five. I saw relationships around me develop, and some take some big steps forward. I attended a lot of weddings and saw a good friend become a father. I got another dog and another cat and swear that I'm done with more animals. It was the year I openly came to terms with being agnostic, and I'm glad it wasn't a big deal. Then there are the small changes I'm not even aware of, in habits and thinking that put me where I'm today.

2011 isn't this magic year where I'm going to change who I am or climb any mountains, but it is a year I'm going to continue on the path I have been following. I'll continue to pursue my goals, short and long term, with the ultimate goal of trying to be a better person each day, one I fall short of at times. My expectations are so low it feels at times and others I look at what I've done and feel accomplished. I don't want to be inhibited to go grander and bigger and not be content with being good because I'm scared of failing at being great. The truth is that I don't know what the year has in store for me, but I have a lot in store for it.

I'm going to take a step back. On Dec. 27th, I turned 31 years old. I am now for sure in my thirties and the only way out is my forties. I came back to Austin to celebrate my birthday because, well, my last one wasn't what I expected. The day was not spectacular, but I very much enjoyed it nevertheless. My friend Oscar, who I share a birth day and year with, invited me out with him and his family for dinner. It was very kind of them and I had a blast. I finally got to see his niece who is now going on 3 years old and she is adorable. I had an enjoyable time and then went out for drinks afterward. It was a Monday night, so it wasn't like things were really happening, but my Maker's and I started the next year of life off well. I also found out that I was born at 2:16pm. I never knew this, of if I did, I had forgot. I was very moved by all the birthday wishes, it just means a lot that people think of you and send you their well wishes.

I enjoyed the rest of my holiday break leading up to New Year's Eve. There was a lot of rest, cleaning and organizing. Oh and the football.

I spent New Year's Eve at the Highball with Oscar, Clarita and Sarita. It is becoming one of my favorite bars. Our celebration started early, with dinner and drinks as a jazz/swing 40s band played. It was expensive, but nevertheless a great deal. We had a great time and when we were done, they cleared the tables and had a music of the decades dance party changing decades each half hour until midnight. I happened upon more free drinks than I have had in quite some time. It felt like, well being a girl at any bar at any time. I hadn't drank that much in quite some time and rang in the new year with a lot of joy. I will note though, that moment when the clock hit midnight, I felt happy in my drunken bliss, but for a second as I looked around the room as all the couples kissed, a part of me had a flashback of kisses through the years pass by my mind as I cleared my thoughts with a hearty drink of champagne. It was one of my most enjoyable New Year's in quite some time. Here we are dinner below and I have my pictures of the night here.

My friend Christina was out of town at her dear friend's wedding. I think she would have enjoyed New Years with us, but I'm sure she had a special and great time. I look forward to hearing how her MOH speech went. I have never had to do a best man speech before, I hope I get to one of these days. I wonder if people will enjoy old college stories as much I enjoy them.

I got the New Year started off on with a bad omen. My cat Koki had an anxiety peeing episode on my bed and happened to get my iPhone. What an expensive accident. That really sucked. It felt weird being cut off from the world, but mainly not having this gadget that I'm always checking. It is weird how dependent we become on things. So don't worry, I'll assume you called me when my phone was dead, and that way I won't feel neglected by anyone. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll figure something out.

I'm back to work Monday and I'm looking forward to it. The next break feels far away though.

now it really feels real, but why does it not feel like a good thing

The Holiday

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Carl W. Buechner

The holiday was eventful, full of family, friends and introspection. I got off of work on the 23rd and headed down the Rio Grande Valley to visit my family. The night I got in, I had drinks with my friend Rick and my friend JR. When you don't see someone for a while, you hope that you will have better updates, but mine felt pretty stagnate. In either case, it feels good being around friends and talking about life. We hit up my favorite bar and caught up.

Christmas Eve, a night my family used to celebrate Christmas on, not much was happening around my house. It is interesting to see how Christmas evolves each year, but this is becoming the norm. Ana's Rick invited me over to his house and I went over to celebrate with them. We had some good food and good conversation. I was very happy to have been invited.

Christmas morning I spent with my parents, and my father and I worked on a random project of mine of zero-ing out my shoes so that they wouldn't have a thick heel. It's a long story, but consisted of cutting part of the sole off and then grinding it. It is great to see that my father is willing to entertain my wild ideas. There were no children to do the Santa thing with, but that was never really a thing for us. Santa was, but actual presents from Santa I don't remember. Everyone showed up for lunch, meaning my sisters, their significant others and my nieces Bekkah and Jamie. My brother Abram was absent, because he stayed in Austin for Christmas and he was missed. After eating Christmas ham, we started to open presents. My dad got a chainsaw he needed, my mom and sister Eliza digital picture frames. Ana and Abram got Andriod phones and the kids got money from me. Usually I make an effort to get them actual gifts, but this year I was sure they would enjoy the cash. I got some great gifts from my family and was very thankful. Here is my mother and her all grand kids in front of the Christmas tree.

My niece Bekkah had found an apron that her and Jamie made with their mother, my sister Vero, when they were little. It said "Mom's Helpers" and had their hand prints and pictures they drew. She wore it and it really made me feel like Vero was part of the event. Bekkah thinks about her all the time and I'm sure she knows we do too.
Here are the photos from Christmas.

Christmas night, after all the family celebrating was done, I went over to my friend Cristina's place and had a few drinks with her and some of her friends. After, I headed downtown for a drink. This was my first time downtown on my own, but it just felt like the thing to do on Christmas night. I hadn't been there for a year. I went from bar to bar, keeping to myself, having a drink and moving on. It was very cold and I was dismayed to see that there were so many clubs now. I guess the demand for lounges is overtaken by dance clubs. I had some friends I thought I might meet up with, but things don't always work out that way. Nevertheless, it was an interesting night and just what I needed.

Sunday, the 26th, was my father's birthday. As per tradition, my family goes out to eat at Red Lobster to celebrate both our birthdays. (Mine being the 27th) After, I headed to Austin for the rest of my vacation.

As much as the actual theme behind Christmas doesn't mean much to me, what it represents as a tradition means a lot to me. There usually isn't a time during the year when you can truly value family and celebrate being together like you can on Christmas. It is a great part of the year even though it sometimes does come with unrealistic expectations and the eventual letdown. It does feel good to get people you care about presents and spend time with everyone. It is my favorite part of the year and always goes by too fast.

One of the lowlights of the trip was that my older sister's apartment was broken into on the 23rd at night. This was exactly one year after it was broken into last year, talk about bad luck. Luckily, the presents weren't there this year and no one was home or hurt. They still took a lot and nothing feels worse than strangers invading your space. This didn't dampen her spirits at all, which shows her resilience. I hate that she lives in a place where break-ins like this are more common, but all you can do is lock your doors and be careful.

This Christmas also made me think about a friend of mine. On December 13th it was my friend Maria's, from college, birthday who passed earlier this year after her battle with cancer. I think she would have turned 31. I could talk to Maria for hours and miss our conversations together. We have so many memories we shared and we used to love to talk not only about them, but about how life was going. So what really got me on her birthday was that I didn't know what to do exactly. I thought of her of course, but I felt like I should be doing something special. I thought about calling mutual friends maybe, but I just didn't know what to say. Maybe it is still affecting me in stages. I know she knows that I was thinking about her. I wish I knew a better way to honor her memory and to deal with the feeling of loss. I also think about what her family is still going through and it pains me. I look forward to seeing my college friends again and being able to talk about it, for some reason, talking about things make me feel better.

What is going on in your mind isn't always reflected on how you want to feel at a certain moment, but it is real. So are the spectrum of emotions we go through daily. I'm glad I had another great Christmas break.

was not your joy