Songs and Smells

“Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory.” - Oscar Wilde

There is nothing like songs and/or smells to bring a memory rushing back.  Certain songs remind you of good times and others of bad times.  Sometimes you listen to a song and don't even know that you are relating it to the time you are currently having.  I'm like a lot of people in that I really profess to enjoy music, but I'm not very knowledgeable about how to make music.  I really wish I knew how to play an instrument and am sometimes bummed out that I don't have music as an avenue to express myself.  I should really pick up those guitar lessons again. This is why music seems like magic to me and is, therefore, that much more enjoyable.

This past weekend was Austin City Limits.  It is a three day live music festival in Austin, Texas.  This is the 4th year I have gone and I seem to enjoy it more each time.  I was lucky enough for my friend Efrain to fly in from LA to attend with me.  He really knows his music and bands.  In college I went to a lot of concerts with Efrain and that was probably the most concerts I had ever gone to in one year. Those were some great memories. A lot of friends I have gone with in the past either did not come this year or I did not run into at the festival.  I think the most fun part of ACL is spending it with your friends and it never hurts to be in the company of a pretty girl, which is always nice as well.  I had a great time this year and discovered a lot of new bands I had never heard before. Three days outdoors for a music festival is quite the test of endurance I will say.  Add to that the almost 1.7 mile hikes to and from the car to start and end each day and you can only imagine the workout I got.  I won't get into a run down of all the bands I heard since there were so many, but it was pretty great. We were even able to take in an after show downtown on Friday night which was a lot of fun.  I'm looking forward to going again next year even though the prices went up.

As far as an update goes, life has been relatively busy, but nothing notable has really happened.  Work has also been really busy, which is something I always welcome.  I have been a bit isolationist these past few months and I have also been a bit of scattered mess, but I'm sure I'll get things in order soon.  Friendships are important and I have a lot of catching up to do with a lot of friends who I have not spent a lot of time with.   The good news is that football season is upon us and that makes me very happy.  This week the Fall TV shows will get started and that is always a great time for me.  I don't even know if I can take on new favorite shows, but I'm sure I'll find some.

I'm very good about wanting to do things, especially things to better myself.  As is my cycle, I take on new hobbies and after a while start to neglect them.  It has been a while since I picked up a new project and tried to learn something new. I need to get on that.  For example, I feel like I would really like to learn to cook.  Not super well, just like enough to make a few dishes I could enjoy and live on.  I wish I had good friends that knew how to cook that could help me learn.  I not very much of a foodie, so taking a class isn't even a consideration.  I just need to buy some food and read the directions on the box. I'm not helpless, I mean I can BBQ and make a few things, but I'm sure there are ways to be able to have more cooking options.

isn't she lovely

A Better Friend

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." - George Washington 

Life is full of change and sometimes that change is welcomed and other times it drags you kicking and screaming.  Change isn't always for the better, but if you learn from it, you should always be better for it.  Abrupt change is the easiest to understand, circumstances are now different, but after a period of grieving, you adapt in the best way you can and move forward.  What I am finding I have trouble dealing with is gradual change.  You know, where the changes are so small and insignificant at any one time, but as the months and years pass by, things are dramatically different than they once were.  Sometimes you see this gradual change coming and instead of just watching the slow progression, it feels easier to just skip to the abrupt change so that you can begin to adapt to it now.  It probably isn't the best plan of action.  There are times, for example, in a relationship, where you can see it fading, you know that things might be ok at the moment, but they are slowly getting worse and things are not sustainable the way they are.  My usual reaction is to force the issue instead of just enjoying the time you might have until things fall apart.  What I forget is that sometimes you can instead choose to put your effort to start turning the ship around instead of just jumping to the dreaded outcome you feel is inevitable.  It won't be as fast or easy as ending things, but will take longer and more sustained effort.  I need to stop taking shortcuts, especially when they don't have desired results.

I have many vivid memories from college that I visit from time to time.  A relevant one that has been on my mind has to do with one of my close friends who was also a girl.  When we met, her personality was unlike anyone I had met up until that point in my life.  She was extremely animated, outspoken and socially affectionate.  We quickly became good friends and spent a lot of time together. Being away from home can be lonely and having someone there with you makes it much easier to adapt. Her sincere kindness was something I really appreciated.  For example, I was once in my dorm bed sick as a dog and she came across campus in what was probably terrible weather to bring me orange juice.  No one had ever done for this me and I really appreciated it.  As time passed we grew closer and I was really fond her, but only as a friend.  It was weird, I also found her very much attractive, but I didn't have apparent romantic feelings toward her.  It was something I couldn't explain to myself, I wanted to like her that way, but at that point I knew what it felt like to be smitten and this was just different.  It might have had to do with becoming friends with her while I was in the tail end of a relationship, maybe I just saw her different from the start.  The subsequent ill advised night where we kissed didn't change my feelings and I don't presume to know what hers were.

What I remember was one time we were both having an argument about our complicated friendship and what it meant.  She was the closest and most important person to me at the time and I made a crass comment pointing out that we were not in an relationship.  In her blunt and honest manner, she told me assertively that it didn't matter what I wanted to call it or what I told myself, it was most definitely a relationship. It didn't sink in at the time, but years later I finally understood what she might have been trying to say. Things are not black and white and relationships are broader than just romantic relationships.

The friendship went the way situations like that go, any crush she may have had passed and after a seemingly meaningless blow up, which was mostly my fault, it pretty much led to the end of our close friendship.  I'll never forget how much I was missing her that night and when she finally came to my room, I asked her to leave.  Much later we became acquaintances in the guise of friends, but it was always like there was a wall between us when it came to true communication.  I always held her in high esteem after that, but things would never be the same.  It is weird for someone to go from being in your day to day life to just being someone you know.   The kicker is, when I look back on my past romantic relationships, for some reason I consider her as one of them.  What I had with her, despite us never dating, was deeper and more meaningful than many actual relationships I cycled through during college and years after. I learned a lot about myself, what I was looking for and that things are not always what they seem.

I think everything played out for the best, since all's well that ends well, but it wasn't easy for me. Interestingly, it wasn't the last time I ran into this type of situation, but at least I had a roadmap on how it would most likely play out.  I keep learning a lot of little lessons, but probably not the big lesson I should have learned by now.  The problem is that I probably still have a lot to learn.

not the answer

Someone Like You

"Her best days will be some of my worst,

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,

While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,

'Cos when a heart breaks 

no it don't breakeven, even no."

- The Script, Breakeven

It is the cool of night, our clothes are lost on the floor as I lay on my back in bed and slowly brush her silky hair off her soft face as she lays sliently on my chest.  I can still taste the whiskey on my breath and her chapstick on my lips as I have little concern that I don't really know this girl all that well.  I'm still basking in the after glow of utter contentment as this was all I could think about from the moment I set eyes on her.  I take a deep breath through my nose, she smells good, but she doesn't smell like her. When she turns to roll over, I reflexively follow with my free arm and wrap her in my embrace.  Her eyes are closed and so are mine and I don't really care if she knows that the love emanating from my skin isn't for her or even about her. I'm genuinely happy in the moment, but since I don't live a lifestyle where I can keep this high going, it makes me long for the memories of holding her next to me.  It is a good way to make do in the mean time even though I'm well aware that the passion will soon burn out as it is just a match.  Those are issues for the morning, not at the present moment where I try not to fall asleep when this will just become a memory. 

It has become more apparent to me that I have hit the age where the majority of my former girlfriends are now either married or engaged.  Clearly, people are in your past and not your present for a reason, but the continual body blows of such joyous news really makes you start to take stock of your own personal choices.  No matter how heart breaking or indifferent any particular situation has been over the years, I keep coming the sobering truth that if given the option to switch shoes with any of those incredibly lucky men, I would not.  Of course, retrospect colors your initial emotional reaction which can be fueled by jealousy and selfishness.  After taking the usual path of reflecting on where I have been and where I thought I wanted to go, I really start to think where I am at and if I actually know where it is I'm going.

I have all the same preconceived notions as most people do.  One day I'm going to meet a lovely lady who I will become smitten with in a way that is different than the women that preceded her.  Something about her will be special to me, she will have apparent flaws and well hidden flaws, but they won't be that kind that magnify mine, nor will they be visible when she smiles.  I won't have to make her happy because she is already happy, but I'll try to do it anyway. After a passion filled whirlwind romance and the building of a friendship, we get married, have kids.  Then after a lifetime of adventure she will be the last thing I see as she holds my 95 year old hand before I pass in a room filled with grand kids.  It is like this narcissistic entitlement that is built into my subconscious either evolutionary or thanks to the movies of Disney or the likes of Nicolas Sparks books. It is what I have come to believe is just the nature of things, the path the story takes. This is reinforced by the fact that despite life's ups and downs, it continues to get better and more fulfilling, so that makes for a logical conclusion. Relationships become better as you are more careful on who you let in, but so do your expectations rise. I envision my life as a story, one of love, hope, and redemption that finishes with the quintessential happy ending.  It is both romantic and bland at the very same time.

What this story does is lessen my urgency to get started along that path.  I mean, with the absolute certainty that our paths will meet, and considering being a man I have nothing but time, you feel like it is an inevitability that will be here in due course.  I'm not adverse to being on that path, nor do I consciously avoid it,  but I worry that the alternative of impatience makes people settle for less than optima outcomes, whereas I also understand that having a grass is greener mentality might also partly explain a lot of things too. If I have learned anything in life, those things you work for mean more to you than those that you get for nothing, yet somehow I expect to get this for nothing.  Normally, I try not to be a person who waits for life to happen to him, but rather work to make my goals and dreams happen.  Why should my approach to relationships be any different?

I'm sure this is where certain friends and family members would interject with their well intentioned commentary about how God has a plan for everyone and he will introduce me to the perfect person, just be patient and have faith.  Despite my annoyance from such kind comments, I'm actually sadly convinced of that very fact, which is probably why it bothers me more than it should. Of course not everyone finds a perfect person, nor is anyone actually perfect, which is objectively apparent.  People have false starts, make bad decisions and accept less than what they dreamed of.  Even knowing that, you still feel that you are different, special.

You are always dealing with another fear, finding the right person, but in that very moment you find them, having the to accept the reality that  now you have something to lose and you are going to lose them.  Just fathoming the emotional investment of getting to know everything about each other, raising a family and then losing them, either to the fading of passion, end of a marriage, the arms of another or the eventuality of death, just seems like a soul crushing experience which makes me understand why old couples tend to die soon after losing a partner.

Maybe there is a different story for me, a better story that suits me, one that might not fit the norm, but is equally or more satisfying.   We all know what the answer should be, to work to find the person that will be your one, your good news.  But, I find I'm a lot happier working on being the one, a person that someone has been looking for all this time.  I mean if you want to continue to raise your standards, you have to play on that level too.  By my nature I understand my polyamorous impulses, but I accept that she will be worth the trade off.  I am just happy to have many important relationships in my life, their labels can be whatever their labels are, but what I care about most is the meaningfulness of the relationship.  I am ok with entering people's lives, enjoying our connection, learning and growing then moving on when the time is right.  I'm sure if there is no reason to move on, well than that might be the right place to stay.

So I guess I don't expect my happy ending for nothing, I expect it because I know who I am, I know the people who I have shared paths with and know that I really don't need the illusionary security of forever, just the meaningful experiences of the moment.  Everything else will just fall into place.

never quite free

Dr. & Dr. Cook

"Never marry but for love; but see that thou lov'st what is lovely." - William Penn

I spent the weekend in San Diego attending the wedding of my friend Sam and his fiance Lauren. The celebration was spectacular and like my high expectations for San Diego, it did not disappoint.  I was honored to have been invited and had a pretty memorable time.

I first met Sam in elementary school on the bus. Sam loved the Houston Oilers and it was clear then that he would grow up to be quite the sports fan. Sam was a year younger than me so we didn't interact too much until high school. From drama trips to chess matches, we hung out, but were not especially close, though we got closer over the years.  Sam also became really good friends with my friend Rick during and after college, so on visits home we got to hang out a lot more. Being on the East coast, Sam was great about coming to town to visit and his personable nature helps him make friends anywhere.  Before I knew it, Sam was one of the handful of people I kept in contact with after high school, back when you didn't have Facebook to make it so easy.

I was excited for Sam when I heard the news that he was getting married.  After meeting Lauren for the first time on this trip, I must say, he did very well for himself.  They are both reflexively kind and it is evident on their faces how much they adore each other.  They are both crazy smart which is something I always admire.  Talk about doing it the right way.  Both of them going to school and getting their Phds and then getting married...if I were their parents I'd be very proud, which you can tell, they were.

I flew into San Diego on Thursday night after work.  I checked into the hotel, met a new friend at the front desk, and then headed downtown.  I went to meet up with the guys at a bar where they were having a bachelor party which was just meeting up with the bachelorette party.  When I arrived, I met Lauren after only knowing her through stories and facebook postings.  I was instantly impressed with how genuine she was.  Since I got there before the guys, I got to meet her friends too and I was happy to see how nice and personable everyone was.  I got to meet Lauren's friends, Sam's friends and cousins.   The night was fun, we ended up at a karaoke bar and I had a fun debate about how awesome Uncle Jesse was, which I hope she took in jest.  I had a fun chat with one of Sam's cousins, who once you got past the exterior cuteness, was pretty down to earth with an interesting take on mixing drinks.  Sam and Omar did a rendition of Garth Brooks' Friends in Low Places that was the highlight of the night for me.

Rick was kind enough to let me stay at the hotel with him and Friday we got up and did some sightseeing. We visited Little Italy, had some pizza at a recommended joint and later walked around Old Town.  What really blew me away was the weather.  About 75 degrees, sunny with a cool breeze that made you feel like if you lived there, you would be the most outdoorsy active person alive. We then headed to the nice hotel where the wedding was going to be held for the rehearsal.  I finally got the meet the rest of the wedding party and everyone was so friendly.  I also ran into Omar and Krissy who I knew from high school and it was nice to catch up.  I was lucky enough to join in on the rehearsal dinner and it was great to hear the bride and groom talk about how much their friends meant to them.  This is where I got to know Max and Leah better and my suspicions that they were cool people were confirmed.  The story about how Max and Sam met and became friends was pretty epic.

Saturday, I took my rental car out and tried to take in more of the town before the wedding began.  I spent the morning at the San Diego zoo, which was a blast.  I have never seen a zoo that was so big.  I will have to return one day to fully take it in.  I then went down to the beach and had a late lunch on the boardwalk after I did some sightseeing.  By the time I got back to the hotel, I had just enough time to get my suit on and load the bus to the wedding.

The wedding was superb.  There is just something about being out on the beach with a cool breeze while the sun is shining.  You can tell they were very particular about every detail. The bride looked outstanding and Sam looked very sharp. Sam and Lauren prepared thoughtful vows for each other that they read.  They were very moving and it said a lot that they both used the term "teamwork" when talking about their union.  Rick did a good job as a groomsman, actually all the groomsmen did.  This was probably the first wedding where I sat in the audience with a drink in hand.  It was a nice touch.

The wedding was followed by a cocktail hour, which is a great idea by the way.  They were now a married couple and it was time to celebrate.  The couple looked very happy and I must say again, the ambiance on the beach cast a perfect background. Then was the reception.  The tables were numbered with math problems which I thought was clever. I met some new friends at the table. Dinner was filling and the constant stream of Maker's from the open bar kept me in great spirits.  The speeches were touching and then people danced, or in my case tried to dance, but there were smiles all around.  I had my dollar dance with the bride, which I think is the first dollar dance I have ever had.  I figured I'd follow up with my second with a dollar dance with the groom.  It seemed like a fun idea at first, but I wasn't prepared for the fact that I couldn't lead, which was fair since he was the groom, but felt different.  I don't know how you ladies do it.  The cake was great tasting and looked cool, but I have never been a cake person.

At one point we all went out on the balcony and saw the fireworks over the water, which I believed were for the wedding, but were actually from Sea World, but you know, for the wedding too, why not.  I want fireworks at my wedding.

When the reception ended, I decided to keep drinking, I mean celebrating. Krissy and I headed over to the Class of 1971 Class Reunion and hung out with the classmates, took pictures with the letterman jacket and cheerleading outfit.  We even got a memento of the 1971 class picture to take home.  Then, next door to that was another wedding reception.  Dares ensued and some how I end up on the dance floor with the mother of the bride as I tell her I'm one of the groom's cousins before I take my free drink and move on to the hotel bar to join everyone who was still out.  We hung out at the beach for a while and then called it a night.

I put some of my photos on Facebook, but here are more of my photos of the weekend: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyadus/sets/72157627277210701/

It was a classic wedding experience and I had a really great time.  I'm very happy for the bride and groom and I think I might enjoy weddings more than I thought I did.  There is just something about seeing two people crazy in love with each other.  Next wedding is up in November with another in October 2012.

Bliss