Fresh Start

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." - Closing Time, Semisonic

The Christmas holidays are my favorite time of year.  This year, like almost every year, I went home to the Rio Grande Valley to spend time with my family.  The trip was mostly uneventful, but included the usual family time and Christmas festivities.  My brother Abram and his wife Ashley were not able to make it down this year, but we included them on the opening of the Christmas presents via Skype.  It worked out better than expected, but my sister Ana told Abram and Ashley that they'd better not get too used to it.

During the Christmas season, I enjoy the process of getting family presents and making an effort to try and get people something that fits them rather than just something for the sake of being a gift.  I do often fail in that endeavor, but I do try.  I wonder if part of the enjoyment has to do with the presents I get for myself along the way.

Christmas passed, as did my 33rd birthday.  I must say, I have had better birthdays, but I've had far worse. The day itself was great, but when reality and expectations do not meet, you tend to be somewhat disappointed.  New Years ended up being more special than I expected, but there were no grand celebrations. 
 
Now another year has started, filled with hope, goals and good intentions.  2012 was a stellar year by all accounts; career wise, personal accomplishments, new experiences, new friendships, electoral results, all the beautiful weddings I attended and the excitement of new engagements.  Life is never so one sided and the year also had its low points from personal pain, losing loved ones, fall outs, heart breaks and false starts. The year was filled with life lessons, some I had to learn over again, and some self discovery as well.  As a whole though, it was a great and memorable year. It felt like one of those years you look back upon as a turning point.

This new year is less about resolutions for me and more about keeping up with what I have been doing this past year.  Going to gym during my lunch break, being part of a running group, making time to spend with my friends, making time to travel, trying new things and meeting new people.  I even go to a personal trainer twice a week, have done yoga a few times and am more willing to go to the doctor when I'm sick or have an injury.

My goals for this year remain pretty similar to those of the past, which a few exceptions.  I have vowed to myself that I'm going to finish a marathon in 2013 and am currently signed up for the San Diego Marathon in June (with many shorter half marathon races along the way.)  I want to focus on having less clutter in my life and letting go of things I no longer need or don't use.  I want to put more time in with my friends and social relationships.  I have a lot of friends in some great places that I want to visit this year.  I will admit that I have no clue what I want when it comes to the romantic part of my life.  I often fall prey to what I think I want only to find out that it is always changing. That I'm just not going to worry about as much this year.

Recently, as I was looking back at at some old blog entries and I found an entry that I wrote about three years ago that discussed my thoughts on relationships and some of my other musings on the topic.  It was interesting to go back and re-read the entry in light of the years that have transpired since. It helped me put heart breaks of the past in perspective and made me think of the times I may have been too callous with other people's hearts. Most times when you look back, you think, "Man was I naive then."  In this case, I felt like I may have been wiser then than I am now.

I would like to consider myself a rational person.  I tend to believe things that are supported by evidence, based in fact and that are reproducible. For example, I don't believe in soul mates or "the one," and think that we can be compatible to different degrees with many people. It does not mean that I am not a proponent of love, probably the opposite, and do think that the goal is finding a person you are only most compatible with, but more importantly, that you are also very much enamored with.  Maybe I'm just too polyamorous for the idea that we are looking for a needle in the haystack.  One thing that I do believe in, which feels contrary to what I would expect, is the idea of "love at first sight."

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't say "relationship compatibility at first sight," "unconditional love," or even "lust at first sight," I simply believe in the idea of "love at first sight."  Maybe because the first time I see a person is the most important to me and is when I feel like I just know.  The love that grows after that moment as your relationship matures does eclipse it I agree, but just because it can get better from that moment doesn't mean it wasn't there and wasn't real.

Let's take a second to distinguish this from lust at first sight, which is what most people attribute this to.  Yes, attraction has a lot to do with it, but for me that is something completely different.  I'd fall in love countless times a day if I was only talking about attraction or "lust at first sight." The world is filled with beautiful attractive people and love would mean nothing if you loved them all based solely for those reasons.  There is just something different or special added to the experience that I can't exactly explain.

It is different every time, but it happens so rarely that it makes a big impression.  In this case, I knew it the second she walked in the room, the skipping of a beat, a smile I had felt like I had known forever.  She was so beautiful that it physically hurt to look at her, it was like staring into the sun. It was all about her face and though she was obscured in way that I wouldn't get to really see her until much later, her presence shown through.

I wanted nothing else more than to get to know her and tried to brush away these feelings.  Life provided some good fortune and get got to know each other.  We hit it off in a way that you always hoped your story would begin. When we first talked it felt like we had known each other for years and the time passed without even realizing it. There were concerns and red flags that would normally make me more defensive, but I was confident that who she was outweighed it all. It had been a long time since I had felt this way, and there had been opportunities. The moment we first kissed I was certain I was smitten and there was just this natural chemistry that makes most to me.  She had a scent that filled your lungs with peace and her skin that was perfectly soft to the touch.  I could hold her hand without even thinking about it and could get lost in her eyes and smile.

Having read this description, your assumption that I was doomed is well fitting.  Of course you can't idealize a person you haven't really gotten to know yet.  I really did try to keep those unrealistic expectations to the side as I focused on the matter the matter of actually getting to know her as a person apart from the idealizing that happened in my mind.  This time I decided to try a new approach and make an effort to live in the moment and take everything day by day not worrying about the future or what things meant. I didn't want to be tied to the outcome and make sure I continued on my own path. This is very much unlike me, but it was the only way that made sense.  This went very well at first and though this allowed me to worry less and enjoy myself more, it also made the eventual heartbreak that much more piercing.  There are things you just don't do when dating that instantly dull the chemistry, but they feel so natural that they are hard to resist.  Despite lessons from the past, I stopped fighting this urge and I didn't care about the potential consequences since it felt so good to want more.  The best way I can compare it to is when you are eating well and you see that slice of pizza or junk food.  You know all the consequences, yet somehow you find yourself enjoying it anyway.  Naturally, it played out like it should, especially when you throw in various other factors that were at play. 

It was a flash in a pan.  Such a short period of time that all of this seems highly unwarranted. She never really got to know me, and if I'm honest with myself, I never got to know who she really was behind all her kindness.  The moments were special to me and were heightened by my focus on just enjoying each moment without expectation of another.  I even changed in a way I didn't expect to, learned things about myself and what I wanted that I didn't know.  Even now I can't believe how much I looked forward to buying eye drops or a Christmas tree ornament. I also saw parts of myself that I was unhappy with, things I haven't got right yet.  Holding too tight when I should have relaxed, wanting too much too soon.  I wasn't as jaded or detached as I previously been with other people, but it did not provide much solace in the end. 

I'm terrible at letting go, always have been.  I'm, though, great at walking away or getting out of the way. It is what it is.  You keep moving forward and trust that time will resolve what your mind can't. Perception rarely matches reality, and in this case the two are very disproportional.  You can't pick how you start your new year, but you can pick how you take it on. The good news is that you also start to look around and sometimes you see that there are other special moments and important people that surround you.  That is a focus worth having.

just a simple thoughtful card