Abre los Ojos

"I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now, I see." - Amazing Grace

My spring break started this weekend, I'm so excited. I'll finally get away from all the work and get to relax and have a really good time. What better place to be than Miami. I have some friends coming down to visit, so I hope to show them a good time. I wish the sun would come out more so that I can spend more time on the beach. I have plans on getting some work done, but not too much.

My sister once told me that people don't take care of things when they get them for free. Also it is true that people will never take care of your stuff like the way they would take care of their stuff. You have to get over that sometimes. So I had a set of matching cups and glasses and when I first moved in, Fed broke one, so I went and purchased another set so I had more than enough glasses. Well recently, in a span of two days, he broke two more glasses. Hey, mistakes happen, and since I have so many, I didn't really care. Well on the third day, he broke one of my bowls. Even though I haven't broken any of my dishes, I can understand mistakes, but the previous two days of breakings kind of did make me think about it more. I was in a good zen though and told him not to worry about it. He then told me that he would buy me a new set of bowls....but then said, well if they are cheap/or not expensive. That did kind of bother me because I didn't want a set, just the bowl that was broken. I purchased the bowls in DC and they had sentimental value also, so I tried to find the store I bought them at here in Miami. Well the next night he comes in my room excited and told me not to worry about it and how he just purchased "3" new bowls. I was excited and asked him how he found the exact same bowls. He told me they were different, but kind of the same color. For an instant I was just confused. I told him to not order them and that I would find the bowl and just tell him how much it cost (honestly, probably like 5 bucks). I wanted to be angry, but then it hit me, he just isn't at the place I am yet. I used to be in a mindset where matching things didn't matter to me, mis-matched bowls and silverware were fine as long as they served their purpose. Because of that, I let it go and didn't get upset and recognized that what he was trying to do was genuinely good and in good faith. So back to DC...when I moved there, I had mismatched furniture and it seemed everything in my life was like that. Function was the key for me. As time when on, I learned about sets and matching couches, bedroom sets and everything of the sort. When things changed in my life, I had to start buying things. I had no dishes or silverware. S o I go to target and find a set of silverware that was perfectly me. Then I purchased cups, ones I really like. Then it was time for the bowls and plates. One day when I missed the shuttle to my apt, I saw these plates at linens and things and decided to buy one so that I could have a plate to eat my meals on. I figure if I ate and washed, I'd be set. Well as the weeks and months went by, I'd buy a new plate and a new bowl every now and then slowly working on completing my set of 4s. Then finally one day I had my set and it felt very good. It was very telling because it was also around the time I started to feel complete again. So his breaking of the one bowl wasn't just the one bowl, it made the set, now I don't have a set. (doesn't set really mean 3 not 4?) Hence, I need to find that bowl to complete my set or get a new set (something I would do next semester when I settle down somewhere). That is a lot of talk about a broken bowl. (And for more: I found the bowl...all is well.)

Here is something that bothers me, well used to bother me. I used to settle for a lot of shit from a lot of people. I give people the benefit of the doubt and let them work out their own issues, but I want only people that have positive energy in my life so what's the point of wasting people's time. You can't know everybody right, so why not go out and know the best people. Every person I consider a good friend, I would regard a one of those types of people. I'd rather have fewer good real friends than lots of fake friends. I used to mix that up with not knowing people, but I do like to have lots of people I know...but friends are a whole other level. There was this girl at work who was really negative, and once I just stopped being around her, I felt so much better.

On Tuesday I was in Civ Pro working in a group of 3 guys and 3 girls. We all worked together great on the assignment and I said, "So who is going to be the guy who goes up and talks to the class?" Another guy, a good guy, said, "You mean guy or GIRL right?" At my expense, he just came off like a gentleman. I quickly responded, "By guy, I meant people naturally, I mean I'm sure we all assumed it would be a girl going up." Which is really what I was thinking. Of course a girl did go up and nobody but me thought about that exchange ever again.

I have a professor that reminds me of Ms. Till from High School. She was my history teacher and well she found a way to garner fear in her students and held very high expectations. Well Ronner reminds me of her, but it does bother me that fear motivates to study for that class....instead of, well you know, gaining knowledge. Let's hope it works.

I have this belt that I always wear. It is a black leather belt and it really isn't too nice, but it is very comfortable. So, I have been at hole 2 for a long time and in college I used to be at hole 3. Today when I moved it back to hole three (meaning smaller) and it felt great. I need to get a new belt for going out and such, but it is hard to give up what is so comfortable. As a side note, I think I got the belt from my sister Vero, but it was so long ago, I'm not really all too sure.

The world starts to make more and more sense each day...well actually, I do.

Power of Now

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

Tuesday, after Civ Pro, I went to eat a late lunch with some friends. We went to this pizza place not too far off campus. I love going in cars when I don't have to drive. Sometimes you have perceptions of people in your head before you really get to know them, and most of the time, they are pretty off I think. We had a few interesting conversations, one about divorce and when girls came up, I mentioned how I think it is cool when you are dating a girl who likes to read (smart), who you can both read a book and then talk about it. Though this is secondary to the hot part, the guys seemed not to much care for that.

On the same topic, I don't know, I remember in high school picking up books a friend or girlfriend was reading and finishing them just so we could talk about them. Even to just complain that I didn't like it. I'm not talking book club type stuff, just casual conversations like when you talk about a really good movie. I love talking about movies with people, especially right after I see one. So it kind of hit me, that is something I would like, more so than a girl whose main thoughts centered on trying to show as much cleavage as possible and walk around wondering why guys can't see her for more than just a sex object. I've always enjoyed reading for my own entertainment (yet I don't like the actual work part of reading), but now I've kind of started to focus on reading more for learning and insight. Sucks though when I have questions and there is no one to talk to about them. I guess in general it is just nice to have friends to talk to about common interests or things going on in your life. I get a lot of that in law school cause we talk about law school stuff we read all the time, but there are times you just want to get away from all that.

Back to the lunch, so I broke away from my program for the first time in 5 weeks. Instead of the myoplex bar I was going to eat, I had a tuna sub with water. I had to fight the urgh to try the pizza, but they didn't seem to impressed either. It wasn't too bad, but they only had white bread. Jenny told me how she likes to study at Starbucks, a place I'd probably enjoy if I liked coffee. I just wouldn't feel right being there and not drinking coffee, but I'm just not a coffee person and considering it is not good for you, it is probably a good thing. Though, I might get more work done if I got out of the house to study in a relaxed place like that. Who knows, maybe I'll try it out sometime.

So I was talking to Terri and I was telling her how I wanted a Gmail account. I have wanted one since they day the google introduced it a long time ago. I tried to sign up for waiting lists and such, but to no avail could I get an account. I kind of gave up on it and decided to wait for the public release. Then I noticed Herbert had an account, I mean he probably didn't even care much for it, so I decided to put my mind to it and get one too. I told her it was my goal to get one by May (assuming I'd have to be on some sort of waiting list or something.) She of course laughed, telling me how many gmail invites she has gotten in the past and how she really doesn't care for the account. This probably explains why she didn't care much for my quest or incessive talk about it either. Well like two days later, last night, I saw Malak online and noticed she had a gmail account in her profile. I messaged her telling her I wanted one too. She told me she had invites and would invite me. I was excited, I mean now I would get invited and I might get an account in weeks or a month or something relatively soon. Well, I don't know crap about how this works, but I was able to get the account right then and there. Needless to say, I was pretty damn excited. Not really about the account because yeah, it really isn't too great, but more so because I met my goal in such a short period of time. I was in such a good mood, she put up this away message: "I just realized the power of GMAIL thanks to Marty :OP if anyone wants a gmail account, hit me up, 49 left (of 50)and they're going quick (not really...)" So yeah, well I don't care how easy they are to get, I got mine. Yahoo treated me well though and it doesn't change my email cause I still use my Cornell email for everything, since it forwards to wherever I want it anyway. Another goal, check.

Last night, I stayed up late, not really for a good reason, just couldn't sleep. It screwed up my plans to wake up early and go to the gym, so I decided to skip class. I drag myself out of bed and finally get to the gym to do my lower body day at exactly the same time I should be in Contracts. The cool thing was, that I saw a fellow classmate there who was working out too. I of course gave him shit for not being in class and we had a good laugh. The interesting part was that I had this weird feeling I would see someone from my class there. I changed over this week from machines to good old fashion barbell exercises. So today, I started squats for my quads. I'm usually good at them, but they feel like they take the effort of your entire body and really make you tired. It felt good though, even though my arms hurt a bit from getting used to holding the bar.

Sometimes it is hard not to let other people get you down. Hard to keep your good mood when theirs is more negative during that moment you interact. How do you weight something mean said to you? Should you cast it off and ignore it cause they are just being mean, or take the time to evaluate their comments and see if there is any validity. I never want to be in the ignorance is bliss group of people, so I kind of do a bit of both. No matter what course you take, coming out at the other end as happy as you were before is the true test. It is something I am still trying to figure out, or at least get better at. I need to stop being in bad moods around certain people too, you know without being fake.

I worry that I sometimes might accidentally repeat an intro quote. I keep them in a list and I read them over a lot to see what I am feeling that day, but I try to delete them once I have used them so that they don't get repeated. My system isn't full proof, so if you ever catch me repeating one, please let me know.

Today I got two phone calls on my cell phone from my own cell phone number. I didn't answer the first one, but I did the second one, but I didn't hear anything and I think it disconnected. Talk about weird. I wonder what it was? I hope I didn't get charged since I have moblie to moblie.

Speaking of moblie to moblie, why doesn't anyone in this world have Cingular? Everyone I talk to has everything else but. I have all these free minutes I could be using, but instead I'm wasting them on Sprint, Nextel, and Verizon people. And I wonder why I run out of minutes.

be who you are, I have no designs on changing you, I have my hands full dealing with myself.

The Alchemist

"No, I think closure is overrated, I'm more of a fan of open-ended unrequited love." - Seth The OC

I finished reading (well listening to) the Alchemist today. I thought it was a good book, with a lot of good quotes. I recommend reading it, but you really have to think a lot about what it is try to tell you. It came highly recommended and I hope to find a person who has read it too to see what take they had on it.

I'm never gonna forget this conversation I had with my friend Frida back on college. We were talking about relationships and such, and I made some mention that I don't really worry about girl's liking me, I worry more about having the opportunity for them to get to know me. I told her that is why I liked being friends with girls in a group and as they got to know me better, the girl I liked, I felt like I had a good chance with her. She made some comment of me being full of myself, which if you know me isn't really the case. I have been thinking about that, and it is true, I mean I just haven't made the effort for whatever reason to really get to know anybody. I'm not the type of guy a girl is going to want right off the bat (well sometimes, but usually this is not the case), but I am also not the guy that has to really show a girl who I am and for her to trade looks over personality cause that isn't the case either. I'm just a normal guy I think, so most people are indifferent towards me. Maybe most think I'm hideous, but fuck them. So yeah, I feel pretty happy with myself and who I am to not worry about someone not liking me for who I am, but I have been shying away from really making an effort to put myself in that position. I had a friend tell me that I just really hate rejection and therefore, in the past I have liked girls who happen to already be taken because well if they reject me, it is completely expected. But when a girl rejects you for "no one" well that hurts a bit more. Then I have the problem that I went from emotionally stable in high school to this emotional rollercoster guy through college and after and now feel emotionally stable again. Of course this is with the backdrop of not dating, to dating/relationships to not dating again. I haven't mastered dating and not letting myself not become the emotional rollercoster guy, though I am working on it. Then to make matters worse, I hate to lose. If there is a girl I don't really like or kind of like but not really, I have trouble just saying they are not right for me and moving on, because I don't want to lose, I don't want to lose a person that likes me or want to know I don't like them, but they like me. Why hold on to a person you don't really like (romantically) if you know there is no way you could ever be crazy about them? There are things you know not to do, but you have to admit when you do them to really change. Well, that is my girl talk for the day...sorry it didn't really have a much of a point, just had to get those thoughts out.

Here is a problem I am having. Fat kids. Now, kids are at a stage of their lives where small things that happen will haunt and affect them for the rest of their lives, where their outlooks on life are being shaped and some can work out of this and others will be trapped by things they won't let go. So you have a kid or children in your life that are fat and overweight. My family always raised us with the mentality of growing into your weight and didn't really do much explicitly to make us change. Implicitly, they would allow us to play sports and such, since they knew we would drop the weight there. There was never talk of nutrition or eating right. I was taught not to eat things that cost too much or that needed to be shared. I also think it is hard to tell a kid not to be fat when you are not a good example of how to be. So the next problem is self-esteem. You want a child to believe in themselves, to feel proud, worthy and happy with who they are. But do you really want them to be happy they are fat and getting fatter? Do you want them to be ashamed? It is hard. When I see these kids, I don't know what to do, I mean running around eating cheetos and treats, which would be find if they weren't already overweight. Then they see some of their family that is big and confident and they learn to just accept that that is how they are going to be, how they are going to look, to think it is normal. Well fuck that, I don't think they should accept it even though their genes might be a bit slower at burning fat than others. I have met very few fat people who eat right and exercise for a year and are still fat. Most have given up. I still not at my ideal weight and was fatter in the past, but I know why, because I didn't eat right and wasn't active enough. If I worked out and such and was still fat, well then feel sorry for me, but this was my own demise. So I say, if those kids were mine, I'd just shake up their whole world, I'd say that we as a family need to change and do everything I could for 6 months to help them lose weight, be more active and still be nourished without feeling like they are being starved. This sounds easier than it really is I understand, but I do believe that their quality of life will be better, if not emotionally, at least physically. But I am not the parent, so what can I do as an outsider. I don't want to come in and say, "hey you are fat, lose weight" cause they know that, and I can't just give them a plan for it because well they are kids and aren't as long term looking. So instead I write here and hope to gain insight on what to do. I really want them to be happy, but not a happiness where they accept living a life of obesity.

On the topic of kids...I used to always take pride in the fact that I felt I thought with the same way of thinking of when I was in 2nd grade. My knowledge and experience has clearly matured, but the process was very similar. First, this is completely not true and I don't know why I lie to myself about this. I am a completely different person from then and a completely different person from high school, college and even the last few years. I guess I promised myself I would never change when I was small because then I thought I knew everything and didn't want to come to understand that I didn't know anything. I think if you don't change and try to get better, then what are you doing? Sometimes I'll screw up and change good things and they become bad, but most of the time I feel like I can make a real improvement. Short term changes are easy, but long term changes are hard. I know a guy who got 20 bucks change from 10 bucks at a restaurant. He pocketed the 10, while the friend couldn't understand how he could just keep the money. I think there were times in my life where I would just keep the 10 bucks, but now I'm not like that anymore.

I love playing football. It is something I have always been good at, but have never been great or the best. I just enjoy the game so much that when I played, I played very smart, but considering I had no natural talent and was not really athletically inclined, I never really strove to try and be the best. I was always just an average to good player. My younger brother wasn't the most athletically inclined either, but he wanted to be the best and worked his ass off in the gym and ended up being a great running back. It was pure hard work and determination that made him good, not just something that came natural. Then you have school. In academics, I do well, I am very good. But then again I am not the best. I don't strive to be the best, just to be good. The problem is that no matter how good I get at school, there will always be someone smarter and better. So I see it as being a fruitless waste of time to invest so much more time than I already do to try to be the best when it is not possible. That type of thinking is so flawed for many reasons. I should take pride in being my best and not the world's best. Yeah my good is many people's best, but I really need to strive for my best because I have a lot to show the world.

My younger sister Eliza, got a new car! I am so proud and happy for her, since she has never driven a new nice car. She has been driving my mom's old Taurus for years and I have never heard her complain. She did get a good deal and got a 2005 Nissian Altima that she is very happy with. You know how when you dress better you feel better, well I hope that this helps her feel better and more confident and help on her way to becoming the person that we knew she can be. I hope to trade in my truck for my goal car, a simple VW Passat. I am going to wait until after the summer when I know what my situation for the next two years is going to be and if there will be anymore moving, but then I will find a way to make it happy. Like my friend Cynthia always said, "Marty, you always find a way to make it happen." My next goal car after that is going to be the stereotypical BMW, only because I drove one around a bit during one summer and I told myself that I wanted to be a person that could own that type of car.

Sunday night, I was sorting my pictures from one large bin into those nice shoebox looking picture boxes. (Part of my organization goal.) I just wanted to put them in instead really since I had them all in this crate. These are all the pictures I have collected in my life. Well somehow, I ended up looking at them briefly and I put myself into a stroll down memory lane. It could have gone into hours, but I flipped fast as to not get locked into any one moment. Pictures of family, friends and past times. I saw old 8th grade JBA pictures where I met some really cool people and dated some very attractive girls...high school drama tournaments that were so much fun and a time of both confidence and rejection. Then I saw pictures of Melissa, a girl I loved in high school and since the pictures didn't change, her smile was just as beautiful. Getting to the pictures of Kamille was hard as she was the epitome of what I thought I wanted in a girl, what I noticed more on those summer pictures was how happy I was to be in love with her. Then I got to college pictures...funny how I organize them in my mind by girls huh, pictures of Karyna, whom, well, I was always crazy about, friends, other girls I dated, fun times, football games, parties, and even recent loves. I felt good after, I have lived a good life, I have had some great times and I know wonderful things are in store. It did make me feel bad that I haven't been taking too many pictures in the recent years, great years where I'll only have in my memories and not have any snap shots to spark them. I don't know what to do though, I mean, I don't feel like I do things that merit pictures, but I'm just gonna have to lower my standards, because I saw pictures of my desk from freshman year and it meant a lot, so anything is really great. I think I needed this today.

I've been looking for the merchant's daughter when what I really wanted was Fatima.

Heads Up

My favorite Notebook quotes

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other. "

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."

"Noah: What am I gonna do in New York?
Allie: ...Be with me. "

"The next day ally woke up to find her world completely changed."

"It is over, let it go."
"It isn't over, it still isn't over."

"He got this notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to go back to him..."

"In the evening, to temper his loneliness, there was Martha Shaw."

"For the first time since I lost Richard, I feel like I have something to look forward to."

"Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. "

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. "

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,
learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah "

"A woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else."

"Allie: When I'm with Noah I feel like one person and when I'm with you I feel like a separate person.
Lon: Allie, it's normal not to forget your first love, but I want you for myself. I don't want to convince my fianceeée that she should be with me .
Allie: You don't need to convince me. I know you're the one I should be with. "

"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

Ok I know I should have just pasted the text of the entire movie, but i really believe that it was that good. It's a good movie and if you are a girl in a relationship, you probably got it for Vday.

So I am finally the big winner. I played poker well Thursday night, won a few big hands and ended up going heads up against Grant at the end. He had more money than I did, but I had enough to where I wasn't completely dominated. I was playing aggressive the whole night and continued with my new style of play. I slowly but surely took all his green chips until I had him in a position where I could just muscle him. I didn't just keep going all in to double up or win any great pots. He is almost done and then goes all in and I call with a 60/40% advantage and he doubles up. But I don't give up my strategy and in the end win his final all in hand where he had the statistical advantage. It felt good to finally come out on top. Hopefully I can keep this style of play up and it will continue to work. Each day I am learning and I really want to get good at this game.

I hate bringing this fucker up, but "[deleted]" is an asshole. On the 2 year anniversary of my sister's death, he serves the woman who sold her the car (a car she had to buy because this fucker wouldn't make his car payments on the truck Vero had) with a lawsuit for neglience. The complaint said that she was negligent for selling her car to a "reckless individual" to get more money out of the death. The insurance will pay out its limits (20 grand minus the 1/3 for his attorneys) and probably not let her fight it, but what really pissed me off was the fucked up shit it said about Vero in there....I mean she had no tickets, no alcohol or drugs in her system, but it goes on and on how she was an unstable person who was reckless and drove too fast and all kinds of fucked up shit you think a husband wouldn't say about his wife (and lies at that). A dead person has no rights when it comes to slander. First, I'd like to point out, that he is a fucking idiot for not just filing a claim and not doing a lawsuit, whereas he could get the money quickly with no problem and not have to pay that 1/3 out to his lawyer. This man just dug his own grave and will be caught up in litigation for the rest of his life and it will be my personal goal to make him pay for everytime he steps outside the law. His alleged cocaine use I'm sure will not help him out much. Oh yeah, still no head stone...talk about spitting in our face. Though, I am actually not too angry anymore, mainly because I can't control him or what he does, so I now know his true colors and his heart and know that he will continue to slander my sister, so why be angry over something I can't control and can't change. It will come back to bite him as his own daughters find out what an asshole he is and what he has done. I pity the man because he will always live in poverty and considering he is on the lower spectrum on the intellectual scale, this should be the highlight of his success, making money over a dead wife who not only was leaving him, but no longer loved him. True I hate that my nieces have to life with in a house with a "convicted registered sex offender" "[deleted]," [deleted]'s dad, but at least when I will say things, they will be true. Oh, not just a normal sex offender, but one convicted in respect to children. It is a public record, [deleted].

On a useless note, I found out this week that the St. Thomas that my school is named after is Saint Thomas of Villanova. I did not know that and I think there were a few St. Thomases, but I didn't feel like looking it up. So I'm gonna assume that the school Villanova was named after the same guy. You'd think I'd look up who this guy was and why he was so cool, but I figure I'll learn as my time passes here. This was something random I was thinking while looking at a seal on the wall.

Let me update you on my computer upgrade. Well I finally got the right RAM and a new harddrive. Well, when I moved stuff over to my new harddrive, one I forgot about all my emails, so I lost years of those. I guess that is good in a way because you can't always hold on too tight for the past. I had about 40GB of programs in a folder and most were zipped and now when I try to open them so far about 60% of them are damaged. That really sucks. Why can't things ever be easy.

I think people want to help poor people because they really want to help themselves because they understand poverty from growing up and having fewer opportunities, but it is ironic if they help people but never get out of what they have been running away from their whole lives.

You teach people with behavior, for better or worse