The Alchemist

"No, I think closure is overrated, I'm more of a fan of open-ended unrequited love." - Seth The OC

I finished reading (well listening to) the Alchemist today. I thought it was a good book, with a lot of good quotes. I recommend reading it, but you really have to think a lot about what it is try to tell you. It came highly recommended and I hope to find a person who has read it too to see what take they had on it.

I'm never gonna forget this conversation I had with my friend Frida back on college. We were talking about relationships and such, and I made some mention that I don't really worry about girl's liking me, I worry more about having the opportunity for them to get to know me. I told her that is why I liked being friends with girls in a group and as they got to know me better, the girl I liked, I felt like I had a good chance with her. She made some comment of me being full of myself, which if you know me isn't really the case. I have been thinking about that, and it is true, I mean I just haven't made the effort for whatever reason to really get to know anybody. I'm not the type of guy a girl is going to want right off the bat (well sometimes, but usually this is not the case), but I am also not the guy that has to really show a girl who I am and for her to trade looks over personality cause that isn't the case either. I'm just a normal guy I think, so most people are indifferent towards me. Maybe most think I'm hideous, but fuck them. So yeah, I feel pretty happy with myself and who I am to not worry about someone not liking me for who I am, but I have been shying away from really making an effort to put myself in that position. I had a friend tell me that I just really hate rejection and therefore, in the past I have liked girls who happen to already be taken because well if they reject me, it is completely expected. But when a girl rejects you for "no one" well that hurts a bit more. Then I have the problem that I went from emotionally stable in high school to this emotional rollercoster guy through college and after and now feel emotionally stable again. Of course this is with the backdrop of not dating, to dating/relationships to not dating again. I haven't mastered dating and not letting myself not become the emotional rollercoster guy, though I am working on it. Then to make matters worse, I hate to lose. If there is a girl I don't really like or kind of like but not really, I have trouble just saying they are not right for me and moving on, because I don't want to lose, I don't want to lose a person that likes me or want to know I don't like them, but they like me. Why hold on to a person you don't really like (romantically) if you know there is no way you could ever be crazy about them? There are things you know not to do, but you have to admit when you do them to really change. Well, that is my girl talk for the day...sorry it didn't really have a much of a point, just had to get those thoughts out.

Here is a problem I am having. Fat kids. Now, kids are at a stage of their lives where small things that happen will haunt and affect them for the rest of their lives, where their outlooks on life are being shaped and some can work out of this and others will be trapped by things they won't let go. So you have a kid or children in your life that are fat and overweight. My family always raised us with the mentality of growing into your weight and didn't really do much explicitly to make us change. Implicitly, they would allow us to play sports and such, since they knew we would drop the weight there. There was never talk of nutrition or eating right. I was taught not to eat things that cost too much or that needed to be shared. I also think it is hard to tell a kid not to be fat when you are not a good example of how to be. So the next problem is self-esteem. You want a child to believe in themselves, to feel proud, worthy and happy with who they are. But do you really want them to be happy they are fat and getting fatter? Do you want them to be ashamed? It is hard. When I see these kids, I don't know what to do, I mean running around eating cheetos and treats, which would be find if they weren't already overweight. Then they see some of their family that is big and confident and they learn to just accept that that is how they are going to be, how they are going to look, to think it is normal. Well fuck that, I don't think they should accept it even though their genes might be a bit slower at burning fat than others. I have met very few fat people who eat right and exercise for a year and are still fat. Most have given up. I still not at my ideal weight and was fatter in the past, but I know why, because I didn't eat right and wasn't active enough. If I worked out and such and was still fat, well then feel sorry for me, but this was my own demise. So I say, if those kids were mine, I'd just shake up their whole world, I'd say that we as a family need to change and do everything I could for 6 months to help them lose weight, be more active and still be nourished without feeling like they are being starved. This sounds easier than it really is I understand, but I do believe that their quality of life will be better, if not emotionally, at least physically. But I am not the parent, so what can I do as an outsider. I don't want to come in and say, "hey you are fat, lose weight" cause they know that, and I can't just give them a plan for it because well they are kids and aren't as long term looking. So instead I write here and hope to gain insight on what to do. I really want them to be happy, but not a happiness where they accept living a life of obesity.

On the topic of kids...I used to always take pride in the fact that I felt I thought with the same way of thinking of when I was in 2nd grade. My knowledge and experience has clearly matured, but the process was very similar. First, this is completely not true and I don't know why I lie to myself about this. I am a completely different person from then and a completely different person from high school, college and even the last few years. I guess I promised myself I would never change when I was small because then I thought I knew everything and didn't want to come to understand that I didn't know anything. I think if you don't change and try to get better, then what are you doing? Sometimes I'll screw up and change good things and they become bad, but most of the time I feel like I can make a real improvement. Short term changes are easy, but long term changes are hard. I know a guy who got 20 bucks change from 10 bucks at a restaurant. He pocketed the 10, while the friend couldn't understand how he could just keep the money. I think there were times in my life where I would just keep the 10 bucks, but now I'm not like that anymore.

I love playing football. It is something I have always been good at, but have never been great or the best. I just enjoy the game so much that when I played, I played very smart, but considering I had no natural talent and was not really athletically inclined, I never really strove to try and be the best. I was always just an average to good player. My younger brother wasn't the most athletically inclined either, but he wanted to be the best and worked his ass off in the gym and ended up being a great running back. It was pure hard work and determination that made him good, not just something that came natural. Then you have school. In academics, I do well, I am very good. But then again I am not the best. I don't strive to be the best, just to be good. The problem is that no matter how good I get at school, there will always be someone smarter and better. So I see it as being a fruitless waste of time to invest so much more time than I already do to try to be the best when it is not possible. That type of thinking is so flawed for many reasons. I should take pride in being my best and not the world's best. Yeah my good is many people's best, but I really need to strive for my best because I have a lot to show the world.

My younger sister Eliza, got a new car! I am so proud and happy for her, since she has never driven a new nice car. She has been driving my mom's old Taurus for years and I have never heard her complain. She did get a good deal and got a 2005 Nissian Altima that she is very happy with. You know how when you dress better you feel better, well I hope that this helps her feel better and more confident and help on her way to becoming the person that we knew she can be. I hope to trade in my truck for my goal car, a simple VW Passat. I am going to wait until after the summer when I know what my situation for the next two years is going to be and if there will be anymore moving, but then I will find a way to make it happy. Like my friend Cynthia always said, "Marty, you always find a way to make it happen." My next goal car after that is going to be the stereotypical BMW, only because I drove one around a bit during one summer and I told myself that I wanted to be a person that could own that type of car.

Sunday night, I was sorting my pictures from one large bin into those nice shoebox looking picture boxes. (Part of my organization goal.) I just wanted to put them in instead really since I had them all in this crate. These are all the pictures I have collected in my life. Well somehow, I ended up looking at them briefly and I put myself into a stroll down memory lane. It could have gone into hours, but I flipped fast as to not get locked into any one moment. Pictures of family, friends and past times. I saw old 8th grade JBA pictures where I met some really cool people and dated some very attractive girls...high school drama tournaments that were so much fun and a time of both confidence and rejection. Then I saw pictures of Melissa, a girl I loved in high school and since the pictures didn't change, her smile was just as beautiful. Getting to the pictures of Kamille was hard as she was the epitome of what I thought I wanted in a girl, what I noticed more on those summer pictures was how happy I was to be in love with her. Then I got to college pictures...funny how I organize them in my mind by girls huh, pictures of Karyna, whom, well, I was always crazy about, friends, other girls I dated, fun times, football games, parties, and even recent loves. I felt good after, I have lived a good life, I have had some great times and I know wonderful things are in store. It did make me feel bad that I haven't been taking too many pictures in the recent years, great years where I'll only have in my memories and not have any snap shots to spark them. I don't know what to do though, I mean, I don't feel like I do things that merit pictures, but I'm just gonna have to lower my standards, because I saw pictures of my desk from freshman year and it meant a lot, so anything is really great. I think I needed this today.

I've been looking for the merchant's daughter when what I really wanted was Fatima.