Today has been an emotional day. It probably didn't help that once my Contracts class was canceled, I came home and watched the Notebook. It is a good movie and I'll share my favorite quotes another time.
It has been two years since Vero's car accident. Life is starting to become more normal and I can't help but feel guilty that life has continued to go on sometimes as if nothing happened. I rationally understand that life must go on, but it is still very hard to internalize. It also sucks that I can't do anything for her, so I feel helpless in a way. One thing I will say is that this tragic event has so inspired my life, made me want to do my best and honor her memory and also as a turning point in my life where I learned to truly be happy, respect life and how to succeed in the time I am here. If you can go through this, you can go through anything. I'm doing great and life is only getting better and what I want to do is become an amazing role model for Rebekkah and Jamie and also do everything in my power to help them live the life they deserve. I've talked about this before I know, but I just want to reaffirm my resolve to continue to honor her in the small ways I can. So here is my memory for today. We are at her house, sitting in her room and she starts telling me about her life and some of the happenings in it. She was asking my advice and it started to hit me that I was now her equal, her brother, not just her little brother. My advice and words now meant something. It meant a lot that she respected my views enough to care about what I said. Of course a large part was just her trying to share with me what was going on in her life. It is only a snapshot of a moment when I started to really get to know my sister, something I am glad I got to experience once I got older. I do wish I would have gotten to know her better, but I'm sure now she knows all about me.
Last week I happened to be watching 20/20 when Corey Feldman had an interview about Michael Jackson. It must suck to be Feldman or Culkin and be asked all the time, "So were you molested?" Now we all know Feldman has talked about MJ in the past, but has never said anything too bad about him. Well in this interview he pretty much says that MJ saw porn mags with him (MJ was 35 and he was 13 or 14) and showed him mags of naked people with sexually transmitted diseases. Now, I believe people are innocent till proven gulity, and I won't say MJ molested the kid in the case, but this just proves that MJ is really fucked up. A 35 yr old man seeing porn with a young boy is abuse and he should as Feldman said, "Get his ass kicked for it." So does this mean beyond a doubt he is a molestor? No, but does it mean he is fucked up and more likely than not a molester. The thing about MJ was that other than him being creepy and weird, there was no real proof the public had, but for me, this was all the proof I needed. This was all I needed and now want the evidence to come out and for this man to pay for being such an asshole as to moleste young boys. Now, I know Feldman could be lying, but honestly, do you think a person would really lie about something like that? Either way, I guess we will let their lawyers CX him and prove what they want.
When you are little kid, you pull the covers over your head to deal with being afraid of the dark. Of course you don't much care about the dark part, but mainly scary things that can hurt you which you can not see or don't want to see. You feel so comfortable and safe under there even though those very same monsters can still hurt ya through that thin blanket. I'll admit even now I've woken up from a bad dream and covered my head so I could go back to sleep. See, as irrational it seems to think a blanket will protect you, I don't really think that is the motivation. I think the scariest part is seeing something scary, not getting hurt by it. If there are ghosts out, or demons or what not, I doubt they can hurt me, but seeing them would scare the shit out of me, so I'd rather just not look for them. I guess it is not a good thing to use for your problems.
I increased minutes on my cell phone to 600 and I had to spend this week with just 24 day time minutes. That totally sucked. I need to stop calling people during day time hours. Sometimes I just like to call home or friends while I am driving, but since it is starting to cost me (and cost me way too much money during winter break) I'm gonna hold back. Update: I used the 24 real quick and went over, hope the bill doesn't kill me.
Condsidering the amount of time I have been spending in the gym (more times, rather than time in total), it makes me think about a story about a guy named Carlos. Carlos was a shorter man, just below average hieght. He wasn't a bad looking guy and was religously addicted to going to the gym. He was clean cut and was built like a motherfucker. Considering this guy found any excuse to take his shirt off, it was easy to tell that he was fucking strong and cut like no other. It was funny though that he didn't put any effort into his cardio or lower body and his legs didn't quite match up too great with his upper body, but this guy was still in amazing shape. It did annoy the hell out of me that he had his eye brows done with lasers (like forever plucking them) and they looked real fake. So when I met him, I thought, man this man must get laid like no other. He really had no excuse for not hitting anything that came his way. Then he opened his mouth and I got to know him. I don't mean to be rude, but talk about a loser. This guy has no social sense and was terrible with the ladies. He was once hooking up with this chick and later someone pointed her out to me and she was to put it nicely, very ugly. In all the years I was around him, I never saw him with one girl I would consider hot. I will always remember this guy because it showed me that whole idea that if you rich it doesn't mean you will be happy and if you are in great shape, it doesn't mean you will be happy either. If you are a loser before, you will be a loser after. I won't sit here and mention guys who were less than average yet seemed to get girls they didn't deserve (but man I have examples). So I try not to trick myself into thinking that I will be a better person because I am getting in better shape, I mean, it is going to totally help, but it can't be the end all of who I want to be. It also shouldn't be an excuse to quit being on any program though.
Speaking of, there is a fine line between being happy with yourself and wanting better. I feel like if I am truly happy, then well I'll have no need to improve and we can always improve. But on the other hand, if I keep seeing a carrot on a stick in front of me, and can never reach it since it moves as I move, then when will I ever be happy. So I am forced to find a way to be happy now and still want more for later. It is hard to say, and for me a bit harder to do. So my goal is to figure it out.
there is no reality, only perception....working on my distorted self talk...wish I had gmail
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