Year Ten

"Running isn't about how far you go, but how far you've come." - Bart Yasso

It has been 10 years since my older sister Veronica passed away. Each year on February 16, each member of my family marks her passing in their own personal way.  There is nothing expected that you do on a day like this, but it is still special despite it marking such a tragic day in our lives. I have written a lot about my sister in the past, but probably not all I have left to say.   I seem to write about my thoughts on this at least twice a year, usually once on this anniversary day (e.g. seven years, six years, five years) and also on her birthday.  I'm missing a few links there, but you get the idea.  But this entry is different.

Vero has two wonderful daughters, Rebekkah (20) and Jamie (16). Having my nieces is a wonderful way to always feel connected to our sister.  Rebekkah has now joined her sister Jamie in having lived her life for more time without her mother than with her mother. That breaks my heart.

This past January Bekkah ran her first half marathon with me.  It was great experience that I was happy to share with her.  After, Bekkah decided to also run the Austin Half Marathon which fell on the day after the 10 year anniversary of her mom's passing.  I was happy that Bekkah and my brother Abram wanted to run it with me since that makes races more fun. It was probably why at first I wanted it to be the day I completed my first marathon.  This was unrealistic considering how recently I started running and my current fitness level.  So I moved my full marathon goal to a date near Vero's birthday in late May to accomplish that feat.  That goal is ongoing.

On this cool day in February, my brother Abram was going to attempt his first half marathon with Bekkah and I.  Here we were, Vero's two brothers and oldest daughter doing something I know Vero would have been so proud of.  Vero loved the gym and probably for the same reasons that I feel need it sometimes.  It wasn't running the race and crossing the finish line that was meant to honor her, but the act of doing it together as a family.  The idea her little girls are being taken care of all these years later by family that truly loves them is what I wanted it to symbolize.  I think my sister would be proud to see us living our lives and in this case doing something healthy.

Here is a photo of all of us before the race.  I called my shirt red-ish, but yeah, it looks pink. 

So here is the how the race went.  Abram had been really busy with work and wasn't able to prepare as well as he would like for the race.  He still did a lot, but this was going to make it more of a challenge.  Bekkah was dealing with a few aches and pains from her hard workouts, but generally she felt ready.  This was the first race where I felt like I wasn't injured, so I was just wanting to get out there and see how I could.   

The day before the race, on Saturday morning, Abram went with me for a 2 mile run with my running group.  It was nice to share with him where I have been spending so much time.  We ran a very fast clip, but it felt good.  I was surprised to see that he was wearing very old shoes that he had for years.  Bekkah made it into town after our morning warmup and we all headed to the expo together to get our racing bibs.  I always end up buying so much stuff I shouldn't at the expo, but it is a lot of fun.  Bekkah convinced Abram to buy a new pair of shoes, a decision that I think ended up making all the difference.  Once we got our bibs and did our shopping, we headed out to Abram's new house to join my sister-in-law Ashley for lunch and so Bekkah could check their new place.  We had our carb filled lunch and spent time together chatting. 

I rested most of the day as we would be getting up really early the next day.  While it was still dark the next morning, Abram showed up to my house and we headed together out to race.  We parked by my running class and walked about a mile and a half to the start line.  It was a chilly morning, but we had jackets from Goodwill that we were wearing that we would leave at the starting line to be donated right back to charity.  I'm still new to this and my last race was completed in 2:34 and my goal for this race was to beat that for a new personal record. 

As we crossed the start line, Bekkah dashed out in front as she is the faster runner of us three.  We would not see her again until the finish line. I was worried that Abram might not be up for the challenge since he was dealing with an injury, but I under estimated my brother.  We started off much faster than I had intended. I worry about burning out by going to hard too fast, but I just told myself I would keep up that pace because there was no way that he could keep it up for long and assumed we would setting into my long run pace.  His shoes felt great and by the time we hit mile 5 I knew there was no question he was going to finish and most likely rock it.  We literally ran side by side for the first 10 miles.  I'm usually not a fan of running with someone unless I know their pace and even then I'm still happy to take off on them or have them take off on me during a run.  At mile 10 we hit the worst of the hills and this is where I thought I would make my break, where all my training would pay off.  Well, I still have some work to do because this was where Abram found new energy and broke away ahead of me and conquered those hills.  I fell behind and still worked hard, but it was tough.  I knew I was way ahead of my initial goal, but I wanted to do my best.  At mile 11 my usual calf cramps started to set in, something I'm always working to address.  I didn't let it deter me and I kept pushing forward as I took in more water and some salt, but at mile 12 my pace really dropped and any attempt to try and run faster would result in a slight convulsion in my calf.  Surprisingly, aside from that small issue, I felt amazing, though I knew I didn't have a full in me yet even if I gave it my all.  I was so happy to see the finish line and when I crossed it I felt wonderful.  Bekkah had already crossed with a new personal record and finished in 2:08, Abram came in 2nd of us three with 2:15 and I came in third at 2:17.  I was so proud and impressed with how well Abram did for his first one.  I hope he keeps it up.  That is what general conditioning and being in good health can do for you.  None of us felt spent, but I needed some pickle juice to put the cramps at bay. Ashley was there waiting for us and even took some pictures. 

We were very proud to get our medals.  Here we are after the race:

And that was it.  We have come pretty far during those ten years.  We did it and we knew it would not be our last one.  I've spent many years during this time feeling overly sad about my sister, but this time I felt like doing this with her on my mind really helped me get past a milestone this is still hard for my mind to comprehend. I was really thankful for this. 

My other niece Jamie, Bekkah's younger sister, shared her thoughts about her mother during the anniversary on Facebook along with my sister Vero's high school photo. They were:

"Today marks the 10th year memorial of our angel up on heaven....today isn't a day to be sad or cry but to stop and remember. To cherish the days we have left and appreciate them. To stop and reflect on those awesome memories of when she would tuck us into bed or just hold us close and tell us not to worry... She may not physically be here,but we all know that she loves writhing each and every one of us:) I love you mommy❤ " - Jamie C.

A lot of my sentiments were captured in her thoughts and I did my best to cherish my days.  My biggest fear was always to forget her, to think about her less and less.  I'm happy that that fear has not materialized and that her memory and our time together continues to serve as inspiration as I move forward.

missing

Just BE

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination; happiness is to be found along the way not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it's too late. The time for happiness is today not tomorrow." - Paul H Dunn

  A Home

The year is flying by and so much seems to be happening in such a small period of time.  I can't believe it is February already.  My brother Abram and his wife Ashley just closed on their first home.  It is about 10 miles from my house and I am so very happy for them.  The place looks great and I really like what they are doing with it.

Cousins

My cousin Adam from Ft. Worth came to visit Austin for business.  It was great to see him.  Us cousin's got together and had dinner.  Rino, Abram, Adam and I all grew up together as kids and have a lot of memories from those times.  It probably explains why we are so close.  Rino's wife Jessica and Abram's wife Ashley, joined us for dinner too.  Aside from the usual ill advised straying to in politics, we all still get along so very well. I have so many great stories I could share.  Talking about the good old days is great, but it is also great to catch up on all the great things happening in their lives right now.  They are all grown up and married now.  The next night I had drinks with my cousin Adam and some of his co-workers downtown. We had a good time and got to catch up more.  I'm going to stay with him when I go up to Dallas for half marathon in March.  I'm really proud of him and all that he has accomplished.  There are a lot of things i could learn from him.

We all spent a lot of time together as kids at my grandparents' house. We each had our own way, but we functioned well as a team.  Cousins are truly your first real friends.  Below is a photo of all of us as kids. that I recently got from my Tia.  I wonder if you can tell who is who.  Look at me and my brotherly shoulder hold, I looked very godfather like. By the way, grandparents, awesome. 

And here we are now after having had dinner in Austin. when Adam came to visit. My how we have grown.

Allergies

 

I have had horrible allergies. How about that for a segue? I always have since I was little. I've learned to deal with them with medicine, staying indoors often and hoping the people around me just get used to me sneezing often.  The funny part is that they have gotten much much better the past 3 years.  To the point where I'm not taking medicine daily like I used to and can go outside and do stuff like hike and run.  I attribute that to factors that probably qualify as mostly placebo, but is some green stuff I take every morning.  Then for some reason, in the middle of Cedar Fever season, I just had a terrible allergy week.  I could not figure it out.  Was it some environmental factor in my house, my work, just the cedar?  It was enough to get me to finally go and see an allergy specialist.  So I made an appointment with an allergist and had my first allergy test.  The best part was I couldn't take meds for a week, so after being so bad that I wanted to see a doctor, the next week was worse.

I had never had an allergy test before, but I was pretty sure what they entailed.  They pretty much just pricked my back over 100 times with various allergens and then pricked my arm with some they were not sure of.  The back ones were not great feeling, but not too bad.  The arm ones hurt I must say.  Then I got my results.  I was not surprised, they were really bad, even impressed the doctor.  I was allergic to 42 of 44, pollens, trees, and weeds for example.  There is not a season where I get a break.  I wasn't allergic to many foods, but had a lot of positives for environmental factors. 

Now the best part, I am allergic to cats.  I did get a false negative the first time, but showed up as allergic on the second try on my arm.   That is probably not good considering that I have cats.  Not that it makes a difference, I mean I don't care how allergic I am to my cat Koki, it does not change much and I'll just do as I have always done, just deal with it.  I'm now starting allergy shots, which is not exciting due to my dislike of needles, particularly when pushed inside me.  Only 5 more years of shots to go and maybe I'll be a little better. I do look forward to some relief though.

Cornell Memories

Life has an interesting way of working out.  My freshman year in college I met a girl from NYC who was the Resident Adviser for our dorm.  She embodied the classic NYC girl to me, which I had no understanding of at the time. I thought she was cute, but I was taken, but I did think we would probably be good friends if she was not our RA. Considering I was a freshman with a rowdy bunch of friends, we probably had our dorm run ins, though my memory isn't very good.  We lost touch after freshman year and never really became close friends, although we were acquaintances since we had many mutual friends.

Over a decade later we became Facebook friends as people often do with acquaintances and it was nice to see how an old college friend was doing.  At some point in the fall she had a trip to Texas to visit a potential job opportunity and we started to chat as I explained all the wonderful selling points of Austin.  When she was in town we met for a drink and I enjoyed catching up on where her life had taken her over all these years.  People always have such impressive stories.  I must say, even though everyone's journey is different, it is interesting how much everyone's path has in common.

We continued to be Facebook friends and old college acquaintances. Months later, we reconnected again to discuss her questions about the the city now that she was having to make a decision.  I shared my opinions and must see places if she were to come back to check it out again.  Then I guess we just strayed into life and how things were going.  It was really nice to chat with someone who approached things in a similar way to me, who understood why I thought certain things.  We quickly became friends and it was nice having a friend who you didn't have to worry about liking each other since you live so far apart, so you feel like you can be more honest. I had a new pen pal.

I have a complicated (although still very positive) track record with being close friends with girls and the word complicated is an understatement.  This was not complicated and that was nice.  I was later excited to find out that she was going to visit Austin again for a few days to check out some job opportunities and I volunteered to show her around this time. 

The trip was great and probably something that I really needed. It has been a long time since I have had a week of such fun.  It was like being a tourist in my own city and it also allowed me to check out things I have never had the occasion to check out before.  We went to Zilker park and I finally got to ride the little kids train, which has been a goal of mine for way too long.  Most people would be let down with a slow moving train geared towards little kids, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  We got to visit the botanical gardens, eat at some of my favorite places and the weather was mostly perfect.  We did the usual downtown outings like Rainey St and I was happy to have a friend to go and see the Lion King Musical with.  Great musical by the way, I regret not having seen it sooner.   We even capped the trip off with VIP concert tickets to see one of her favorite musicians, Matisyahu.  He was impressive and the concert was an experience. Here is a photo of us at the concert since I didn't really take many photos that week.

The week went by very fast, but I was glad that I got to confirm that we really were friends that got along well in person as well.  It is always too bad to have such a good friend that lives so far away, but since most of my college and law school buddies are spread out, I know the feeling.  I was sad that she had to go back to NY, but am glad to have been a decent host and to have a good friend in my life.  Sometimes people can only be in your life for a short period of time, but they have a very positive impact.  I was impressed with her ability to not go crazy from hearing all my running stories and thoughts on the subject, but who knows, maybe I'll make her a convert too.

Coming Races

Speaking of running, coming up this February is the Austin Marathon and Half Marathon. The one I'm running with my niece and brother.  It is going to be his first one.  I'll probably talk more about it in my next entry I'm sure, but for now I must say that I'm really looking forward to it.  I really want to push myself this time and see how I can do.  I love the signs people hold up like "Go Random Stranger!", "Your feet are hurting because you are kicking so much ass," and "why do all the cute ones run away."  When I finally do my full marathon in June, I hope to have someone there holding this sign for me:

 

don't mess with happy

Her First Half Marathon

"Whenever anyone asked if I had a goal time, I said no. This was my first half and I just wanted to complete it. That was a lie, of course. Everyone, no matter what he says, has a goal time, even if it's vague." - Marc Parent

I have seven wonderful nieces and nephews.  I'd like to share a story about my oldest niece Rebekkah.  Though the story is about Rebekkah's first half marathon, it is really about my second half marathon with Bekkah.  Bekkah is 20 and the daughter of my sister Veronica. As is apparent in my recent entries, I have taken up the hobby of running.  It has been a challenge that I am very much enjoying and that I'm working really hard at.  Surprising to me, it has actually inspired family and friends alike to get back into running  as well. I can only imagine that if they see me, a person who was not a fan of running, doing it, that they know anyone could do it.

After my first half marathon in November, my niece Bekkah started running more consistently as an addition to a year of putting in time at the gym and eating healthier.  As a reward for her hard work, I got her an entry into the 3M Half Marathon in Austin that was going to happen in January 2013.   Considering she had a very strong base already, I gave her a 6 week training plan to help her get ready for the race.  I was impressed how how diligently she stuck to the plan and how much faster than me she was in completing her runs. It pays to be in shape kids.

By the time the race came along, I was confident that Bekkah was more than ready.  The only real question would be what time she would finish in.  I, on the other hand, had been dealing with assorted injuries that kept me from training.  I felt like each time I felt good enough to run, I would come back from that run upsetting the injury again. I had problems walking and my knees ached. It was a mix of too much too soon, not being in good enough shape yet, eating the wrong foods, doing the proper stretching and most likely the wrong shoes for my running type.

I could have sat out the race been a good uncle and just cheered for Bekkah, but that wasn't the plan, the plan was for us to run it together.  So I did everything I could to try and get as healthy as possible for the race.  I went to a chiropractor for the first time, a massage therapist for the first time, a doctor to evaluate my knee, a personal trainer to strengthen my legs and core and I rested as much as I could.  The resting part, though the part I'm usually the best at, was the hardest because I wanted to run more. It was time I started to be more healthy since I still had many leaks in that department.

Come race day I was not sure if I would be able to run, but I felt hopeful that I felt fine walking, which alone had been difficult the day before.  I put on my knee brace on my troubled knee and we headed out to the race before 5 am for a 6:45 a.m. start.  It was freezing, like windshield in the 20s as we arrived at around 5:30am.  I was also not wearing enough layers and was unprepared for such weather.  I still had no clue if I would be able to run, but the idea of being out in the cold just waiting and watching seemed worse in my mind than at least trying.  Rebekkah was very excited as we neared the starting line and I was very proud of her.  My only advice was not to stop, but to be careful. I also shared the importance of staying hydrated.  I told her that I might not be able to make it, but that it is more important to try and fail than to decide you will fail and just not try at all.  I was hoping to show that lesson by example while not being the poster child for making a pre-existing injury worse by pushing too hard and being too stubborn.  It's a fine edge between the two.  I had a knee brace under my tights and another knee brace over.  My left foot was taped and I had no laces over the injured tendon from the week before.  I was also in my old running shoes as the new ones with more support had not been properly broken in. 

After the gun shoots, starting the race, we cross the start line and I wait for her to go ahead so that she can find her own pace, a pace faster than mine on a good day.  I start running and within the first twenty seconds my knee just hurt too much, my left foot was aching and I had to pee super bad even though I had just peed twice in the hour before.  So I take off the outer knee brace and take a few more steps and that doesn't help.  Then I say fuck it to myself, and run to the side of the road, find some bushes and take a piss while I try to figure out a plan.  I felt shameless but couldn't care less and no one there probably did either.  The weird thing is that I started to feel better and now had a plan.  I decided that I shouldn't try new things on race day, so I lower my internal knee brace to my ankle (essentially taking it off) leaving my knee bear since I can't fully remove it without removing my tights.  I start to run and don't expect to last long, but my race was now truly beginning.

I still feel pretty bad and haven't really gotten too far from the start line with still 13 miles to go.  I try to figure out what I'm going to do since there was a lot of distance (the entire race) to cover.  Then I remember, every time I run I feel like I want to quit for the first two miles.  I just hate it, my body tells me to quit and is pissed I'm doing this to it.  But after two miles it just accepts its fate and everything changes and I can run and that is when I really start to enjoy it.  So I thought, why not apply that today.  I'll just go two miles and if I can do that and still feel terrible, I'll call it and know I gave it my best.  After mile one, for no real reason, things started to get normal, then when I hit 2 miles, I was like shit, I might be able to do this thing.  Now it seemed crazy I was saying that at mile 2 since there was a lot to go, but I just knew it. 

Then to make things more interesting, my pace was much much faster than I had been training at (including the time I lost at the start to go and pee/think).  It was still hard and my knee still hurt, but not the way it hurt the day before just to walk when I was in bed with ice packs and medicine.  I was so impressed with my lungs as my cardio was more than prepared for this.  I feel like the next 10 miles just flew by with little effort.  Right before the mile 13 marker, my calves started cramping up. I've had calf cramp issues since my first hard football practice my before my freshman year in high school.  Those cramps really hurt and all I could think was if I crossed the finish line by having to walk it would all not count to me.  So I just kept running, scampering almost, trying to run through it, knowing if I pushed too hard the cramps would really kick in.  I had forgot my salt packets because I changed water belts back to my old belt and forgot to move them too.  I wanted to sprint at the end as I do with most of my runs, but I didn't because I didn't want to risk more cramps.  As I crossed the finish line with what would be my worse photo finish ever, wearing a size too large t-shirt and a jacket tied around my waist, I felt accomplished.  My brother, his wife Ashley, and Bekkah were there waiting and cheering.  It felt great to have met that challenge.  It felt even better seeing my time of 2:34 which although 34 mins slower than my half goal, was 30 mins faster than my first one I did and I was fighting off an injury.  Bekkah had crossed at 2:13 and didn't stop at all.  She ran a great race and I knew it was just the beginning for her. I was very proud of her and enjoyed hearing about her first experience and how happy she felt.  When I think of her as a little girl, I just never would have imagined this day, maybe because I couldn't ever see myself as wanting to do something like this.

I imagine that the cold had to be good on the inflammation of my injuries, but that is just conjecture.  Also, I did have a shot from 4 days before that was supposed to ease the pain and though it didn't feel like it helped much as I still hurt, that might have been when it kicked in.  Either way it all worked out and I was happy it did.

I tried to cool down and stretch, but it was super cold again now that I wasn't running.  As I tried to get into my brother's car, I got a terrible cramp in my calf.  It was funny because it made me yell, but I just kept asking for a second for it to pass.  Bekkah had salt packets and those stupid little things really do make a difference as I took those in and drank more water.  It was my last cramp of the adventure.  More training and better nutrition will solve that problem in the future. I still felt a lot better than I did after my first half marathon.

So long story short, I finished my second half marathon and did better than I expected to do when I planned to do it healthy.  I didn't injure myself worse based on how good I felt in the days post race and Bekkah enjoyed it so much she came home and signed up another half marathon in February.

Here is Bekkah with her first finisher medal.  I look forward to the many more to come.

So now my niece Bekkah, my brother Abram, and I are running the Livestrong Austin Half Marathon in February.  I'm excited and I want to get healthy enough to beat my previous time.   Who knows, maybe I'll even give Bekkah a run for her money this time.

I accepted that my original marathon plan was a bit too ambitious, though I do believe I could do it if I had to, but the cost would be not running for a long time after due to injuries I would be sure to upset.  So I moved my first full marathon from February to June in San Diego.  It might still be a bit too soon, but I'm going to do it.   There is no question that I will complete at least one marathon in 2013.  When I do this and it will truly be a couch to marathon story.  The real question will be whether I can avoid it also being a marathon to couch story too.  

After the 3M Race, Bekkah and I were treated to lunch by her uncle Ruben who might be joining Bekkah in a race in the not so distant future.  He came all the way from San Antonio in the coldest of weather just to support his niece. That is a one supportive uncle.  Bekkah was so happy to have him there too. 

So now I'm trying to keep good habits.  I'm trying to rest and heal up while still being active.  My body feels constantly sore from my personal training sessions and my Spring half marathon running class is keeping me motivated.  I'm getting monthly massages, seeing a chiropractor and trying to eat better.  I must say, the running group class, an idea I was initially opposed to, is what has given me the most motivation. The people in there are really great and it makes the experience fun.  There is more to come.

the right shoes

Fresh Start

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." - Closing Time, Semisonic

The Christmas holidays are my favorite time of year.  This year, like almost every year, I went home to the Rio Grande Valley to spend time with my family.  The trip was mostly uneventful, but included the usual family time and Christmas festivities.  My brother Abram and his wife Ashley were not able to make it down this year, but we included them on the opening of the Christmas presents via Skype.  It worked out better than expected, but my sister Ana told Abram and Ashley that they'd better not get too used to it.

During the Christmas season, I enjoy the process of getting family presents and making an effort to try and get people something that fits them rather than just something for the sake of being a gift.  I do often fail in that endeavor, but I do try.  I wonder if part of the enjoyment has to do with the presents I get for myself along the way.

Christmas passed, as did my 33rd birthday.  I must say, I have had better birthdays, but I've had far worse. The day itself was great, but when reality and expectations do not meet, you tend to be somewhat disappointed.  New Years ended up being more special than I expected, but there were no grand celebrations. 
 
Now another year has started, filled with hope, goals and good intentions.  2012 was a stellar year by all accounts; career wise, personal accomplishments, new experiences, new friendships, electoral results, all the beautiful weddings I attended and the excitement of new engagements.  Life is never so one sided and the year also had its low points from personal pain, losing loved ones, fall outs, heart breaks and false starts. The year was filled with life lessons, some I had to learn over again, and some self discovery as well.  As a whole though, it was a great and memorable year. It felt like one of those years you look back upon as a turning point.

This new year is less about resolutions for me and more about keeping up with what I have been doing this past year.  Going to gym during my lunch break, being part of a running group, making time to spend with my friends, making time to travel, trying new things and meeting new people.  I even go to a personal trainer twice a week, have done yoga a few times and am more willing to go to the doctor when I'm sick or have an injury.

My goals for this year remain pretty similar to those of the past, which a few exceptions.  I have vowed to myself that I'm going to finish a marathon in 2013 and am currently signed up for the San Diego Marathon in June (with many shorter half marathon races along the way.)  I want to focus on having less clutter in my life and letting go of things I no longer need or don't use.  I want to put more time in with my friends and social relationships.  I have a lot of friends in some great places that I want to visit this year.  I will admit that I have no clue what I want when it comes to the romantic part of my life.  I often fall prey to what I think I want only to find out that it is always changing. That I'm just not going to worry about as much this year.

Recently, as I was looking back at at some old blog entries and I found an entry that I wrote about three years ago that discussed my thoughts on relationships and some of my other musings on the topic.  It was interesting to go back and re-read the entry in light of the years that have transpired since. It helped me put heart breaks of the past in perspective and made me think of the times I may have been too callous with other people's hearts. Most times when you look back, you think, "Man was I naive then."  In this case, I felt like I may have been wiser then than I am now.

I would like to consider myself a rational person.  I tend to believe things that are supported by evidence, based in fact and that are reproducible. For example, I don't believe in soul mates or "the one," and think that we can be compatible to different degrees with many people. It does not mean that I am not a proponent of love, probably the opposite, and do think that the goal is finding a person you are only most compatible with, but more importantly, that you are also very much enamored with.  Maybe I'm just too polyamorous for the idea that we are looking for a needle in the haystack.  One thing that I do believe in, which feels contrary to what I would expect, is the idea of "love at first sight."

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't say "relationship compatibility at first sight," "unconditional love," or even "lust at first sight," I simply believe in the idea of "love at first sight."  Maybe because the first time I see a person is the most important to me and is when I feel like I just know.  The love that grows after that moment as your relationship matures does eclipse it I agree, but just because it can get better from that moment doesn't mean it wasn't there and wasn't real.

Let's take a second to distinguish this from lust at first sight, which is what most people attribute this to.  Yes, attraction has a lot to do with it, but for me that is something completely different.  I'd fall in love countless times a day if I was only talking about attraction or "lust at first sight." The world is filled with beautiful attractive people and love would mean nothing if you loved them all based solely for those reasons.  There is just something different or special added to the experience that I can't exactly explain.

It is different every time, but it happens so rarely that it makes a big impression.  In this case, I knew it the second she walked in the room, the skipping of a beat, a smile I had felt like I had known forever.  She was so beautiful that it physically hurt to look at her, it was like staring into the sun. It was all about her face and though she was obscured in way that I wouldn't get to really see her until much later, her presence shown through.

I wanted nothing else more than to get to know her and tried to brush away these feelings.  Life provided some good fortune and get got to know each other.  We hit it off in a way that you always hoped your story would begin. When we first talked it felt like we had known each other for years and the time passed without even realizing it. There were concerns and red flags that would normally make me more defensive, but I was confident that who she was outweighed it all. It had been a long time since I had felt this way, and there had been opportunities. The moment we first kissed I was certain I was smitten and there was just this natural chemistry that makes most to me.  She had a scent that filled your lungs with peace and her skin that was perfectly soft to the touch.  I could hold her hand without even thinking about it and could get lost in her eyes and smile.

Having read this description, your assumption that I was doomed is well fitting.  Of course you can't idealize a person you haven't really gotten to know yet.  I really did try to keep those unrealistic expectations to the side as I focused on the matter the matter of actually getting to know her as a person apart from the idealizing that happened in my mind.  This time I decided to try a new approach and make an effort to live in the moment and take everything day by day not worrying about the future or what things meant. I didn't want to be tied to the outcome and make sure I continued on my own path. This is very much unlike me, but it was the only way that made sense.  This went very well at first and though this allowed me to worry less and enjoy myself more, it also made the eventual heartbreak that much more piercing.  There are things you just don't do when dating that instantly dull the chemistry, but they feel so natural that they are hard to resist.  Despite lessons from the past, I stopped fighting this urge and I didn't care about the potential consequences since it felt so good to want more.  The best way I can compare it to is when you are eating well and you see that slice of pizza or junk food.  You know all the consequences, yet somehow you find yourself enjoying it anyway.  Naturally, it played out like it should, especially when you throw in various other factors that were at play. 

It was a flash in a pan.  Such a short period of time that all of this seems highly unwarranted. She never really got to know me, and if I'm honest with myself, I never got to know who she really was behind all her kindness.  The moments were special to me and were heightened by my focus on just enjoying each moment without expectation of another.  I even changed in a way I didn't expect to, learned things about myself and what I wanted that I didn't know.  Even now I can't believe how much I looked forward to buying eye drops or a Christmas tree ornament. I also saw parts of myself that I was unhappy with, things I haven't got right yet.  Holding too tight when I should have relaxed, wanting too much too soon.  I wasn't as jaded or detached as I previously been with other people, but it did not provide much solace in the end. 

I'm terrible at letting go, always have been.  I'm, though, great at walking away or getting out of the way. It is what it is.  You keep moving forward and trust that time will resolve what your mind can't. Perception rarely matches reality, and in this case the two are very disproportional.  You can't pick how you start your new year, but you can pick how you take it on. The good news is that you also start to look around and sometimes you see that there are other special moments and important people that surround you.  That is a focus worth having.

just a simple thoughtful card

Softest Hands

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend." - Unknown

At the age of 86, my dear grandmother passed away last month.  There was one thing I knew above all else, that my grandmother loved me and was proud of me.  She followed my grandfather who passed away in 2008.  As I grieved for my grandfather, as I do for my grandmother now, I then shared some of my thoughts on his passing in an entry as it helps me cope when I reflect. In my life I only had two grandparents, and I knew I was lucky to have them.  To me, my grandmother and grandfather were the most perfect people I ever knew.  I loved them, admired them and respected them.  I have now lost them both, and though I understand that this happens in the normal course in a life where we all have a limited time, there is a part of my heart that will never be the same.

My grandmother and my mom.  She felt especially pretty in that green jacket.

Grandmothers hold a significant place in our hearts

Grandmothers are a special part of the human experience.  For those of us fortunate enough to have them in our lives, understand that it is a unique bond that has no equal.  It is our first dose of unconditional love, something we will spend our lifetimes looking for as we get older. Although we each have our individual relationships with our own particular grandparents, in many cases there seems to be a universal thread of a love beyond any comparison that helps form the person we become.  When you are with your grandmother the rest of the world goes away and you feel the comfort and security of being in her presence.  Your grandmother is the most special person in the world to you.

A Remarkable Woman

My grandmother was special to me in a way that I'll never do justice to no matter how I try to describe it. One of the reasons it can't be put into words is because the love was not shared in only words, but mostly in actions, from listening to you share, the food cooked for you, the wise advice, the soft pat and rub on your back as you gently fall asleep, or the warm smile on her face when you walk in the room.  As my cousin Rino put it, she had the softest hands we had ever touched. Those hands could make all your worries go away.

 My grandmother was Martina Angulo Lira, she went by Marta, but to me she will always be "wuelita." It wasn't until I was much older that I learned that the correct word was "abuelita," but that was more a function of me not understanding Spanish well enough as a child.  She will forever be my wuelita in my heart.  She lived a life that is remarkable on its own accord, the topic of a future entry I'm sure, but it was in the sunset of her life that I got to share in a small part in the mosaic of her experiences. (Seriously, her story of tragedy, love, family, persistence, hard work and triumph is the epitome of the American dream and the immigrant experience.)  I have to remind myself that she is defined by being more than just my grandmother, she was a phenomenal human being whose roles encompassed being a daughter, sister, friend, employee, wife, mother, widow, step-mother and great-grandmother.  She is a woman I still learn about each time I hear new stories about her life.

Memories Growing Up

I feel especially close to my grandparents because I was lucky enough to have spent a lot of time with them in my formative years.  As a child they would take care of me and I would stay with them for days at a time, sleep in their bed, eat their food made with loving care, and learn the life lessons they instilled in me.  Even my grandparents' utter unshakable faith positively affected my outlook on life even though I later found my own way.  I'll never forget the tortillas, the eggs, and more eggs and all the wonderful food that my grandmother cooked for us with love.  I could put butter on a tortilla and eat them all day.

So many memories were shared as family and friends all gathered together at her service.  The funeral procession drove by her old house which defined our childhoods and brought back so many wonderful stories. We spent a lot of time at their house in Harlingen as we grew up.  We discovered the world at her house, from the fun and perils of fire, climbing fences and trees, working with our hands, cooking, cleaning, and the taste of freshly grown peaches right off the tree.  We didn't have much, but our imaginations ran wild at their house as we invented many ways to entertain ourselves.  We walked everywhere, from the corner store, to church, to the John Deer where we road bikes.  Most importantly, we learned about the importance of family.  Her house was where we formed life long relationships and friendships with our cousins who we would spend so much time with there. We became as close as siblings and it helped cement a strong bond of family. During Christmas the entire family would gather at her home and it didn't matter how small it was, everything was happy to be together in the one place that everyone considered to be home.

Her Favorites

As a child I got teased on occasion for being my grandfather's favorite, a badge I tried to wear as humbly as possible because I did nothing to deserve it and saw it more as a running joke.  They were my favorites and that was all that mattered to me.  He did treat me special and he was a man I truly admired.  My grandmother, on the other hand, did not have favorites per se.  My grandmother had a very special gift, a people skill that can't be learned or faked, the gift of making the people around her feel extremely important, special and loved.  She was always being present when you interacted with her.  There is not a grandchild or great grandchild that will not tell how in every moment they spent with their grandmother that they did not feel like her most special favorite person in the entire world.  She would always say that they were all her favorites and that was so very true. My grandmother's love was a quiet love, a calm love, not a lot of extraneous proclamations or overly enthusiastic affection, but just a genuine steady love that made you feel safe and secure.  She was everything you would imagine a grandmother to be, sincere, patient and kind, such a very lovely woman.

My grandmother and I were close.  We would talk on the phone about once a week, a habit that started when I left for college so long ago.  My Spanish isn't the best, but we would still talk for a long time, with me telling her about my life and her telling me about how things were going.  I'm going to miss those talks very much. 

A Beautiful Legacy

Funerals are a time to grieve, to reflect and to celebrate a person's life, but they also make you consider your own mortality and wonder what type of legacy you will leave behind.  You can't take anything with you, and your accomplishments, although worthy, do not define you.  What I learned mattered most once you are gone is how you affected the people around you, the love you shared the impact you had on their lives, how you made them feel.  My grandmother embodied this and her memory is going to live on in the hearts and memories of all her loved ones.  The way she taught us to love and care for one another will live on for generations of children who will never know her touch, but will know her love as it is passed on through her children and grandchildren.

My grandmother endured much hardship in her life and worked hard to give her children a better life and a better chance. She was born in Mexico and everything she did was for her family.  And though she had no formal education, or her own personal financial success, her struggle created the opportunity for a legacy of a family that now includes, among other things,  doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, principals, and children and grandchildren following their own dreams in this great country.

What defined her life became most apparent to me at her service when I listened to people speak about her, either publicly or privately.  I was able to see how she had meant so much to so many people and that her love was so copious that she had all these parts of her life where people adored her with the same type of absolute love and admiration that I had for her. Her character was steady and her kindness was evident in every part of her life.

I'm embarrassed to admit that initially part of me was almost a little bit jealous, like, wait, this is MY grandmother, I love her, you can't love her as much as I do too. Then as the irrational feelings quickly subsided, you are hit with this realization, oh wow, she was even more amazing that than the small window I had into her life due to my shared experiences with her as her grandson.  She had 7 children, 22 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren and counting, and each one felt her love in their own special way.  It takes a big heart to touch that many people in the way that she did.  To some she was "mom," some "grandmama," others "Ama," "abuelita," "wuelita," and many other nicknames, and these name highlight how much she was cherished. 

Life Lessons and Values

My grandmother taught by example, she rarely showed anger and I can't ever remember her being really mad no matter what the circumstance.  She dealt with everything with dignity and grace and in the end it always seemed to work out.  Yet, there was a firmness in her way, almost like a long-game, I never felt like I could just do what I want and though I may have more than occasionally disobeyed as most kids do, the disappointment in her face hurt more than any punishment.  My respect for her was absolute and my admiration for her character abounds.

An important value I learned from my grandmother was no matter how impossible the task, you never give up working hard towards your goal.  She talked a lot about the virtue in being a hard worker.  Most importantly, she lived this virtue and never said anything that she didn't demonstrate in her own life. I work every day to try and make her proud.

Unfortunately, in her 86 years my grandmother had her fair share of experiences with death, from the untimely and tragic to the natural.   When coping with a personal tragedy in our own lives, she told my sister that she understood how it feels to not want to go on, but that the most important thing you could do was live.  We took a lot of solace in that advice.  I am working hard to follow her example and live my life to the fullest to honor her and truly cherish the life that she made the most of no matter what came her way.

Our last moments

I miss my grandmother very much. When I went to visit her shortly before her passing, she fought so hard to be at her strongest and continue to share her love and attention even through she was experiencing much pain as her body was giving and it became more difficult to breath.  We talked about many things.  She even reminded me of a letter I sent to her when I was in college over 10 years ago and how, as a child, I would run out of kisses and tell them I had no more.  She talked about how much she liked my kindergarten graduation, which to-date is still the graduation accomplishment I am most proud of.  We talked about life, she made jokes about me not being married, she prayed for me, and she never gave up hope that she would get better.  Her hope was eternal and her positive outlook has always given me a model to look up to.  My mom was able to be with her during her last moments and no matter how sad I may feel, it cannot compare to the pain of losing a parent. It gives me peace that she was able to pass away surrounded by loved ones.

Grateful

My grandmother was loved by many people, especially her children.  And while they were all there for her in so many ways, I very much appreciated how my Tia Mati (and Tio Jesse) took my grandmother into her home in Ft. Worth after my grandfather passed away and was there for her day-in and day-out.  From doctors appointments, to making sure she was taking the right medicine, to just being there for her. I know there were difficult times, but her love did not go unnoticed. She worked very hard to make sure my grandmother had a good life surrounded by family.  It brings me joy that she got to interact with her grandchildren who lived near by and form relationships with her great-grandchildren.  In one example, just watching the love she had for my cousin Adam's daughter Kali made my heart melt.  I appreciate my family that did their best to help out when they could and who spent so much time with her in the hospital and nursing home.  I will be eternally grateful to my aunt and uncle for taking care of her the way they did.

Loving Words from Family

I want to share my Tia Amelia's eulogy she shared about her mother at the services which I found touching. 

In memory of our Mother Martina Angulo Lira

The memory of our mother, grandmother, greatgrandmother, a humble and virtuous yet extraordinary
figure will forever be cherished, As a young widow age 27 with four children(all under age 5) Martina braved taking residence in the city of Harlingen,Texas, and in spite of the challenges she would face with a foreign language in a foreign land and culture, she had dreams of a better future for her children.  This courageous woman planted seeds that would reap success, economic stability and foremost a tenacious and steadfast faith in our lord Jesus Christ.  Her ongoing love and forgiveness reflected a true example of the christian life.  She was an inspiration of Godly morals, values and attitudes to her offspring.  Although, today we say goodbye to her earthly body as we release it to our heavenly Father, her memory and legacy will remain alive in the hearts and minds of our families for generations to come.  We shall make the effort to focus on her life; beautiful and happy memories we experienced with her; her words and sayings such as ; "whatever the lord says, if God gives us life, or if it's Gods will". May this bouquet of memories be as a balm to help heal the pain and fill the void her absence has left in us. we shall remember that she will be watching from heaven and that her spirit will be with us always.  May Gods love, grace and mercy annoint each of us with his Holy anesthesia and inject in us his power for strength during this difficult time of tribulation.

I would like to end with some words about my grandmother that my sister Eliza shared with me the other day:

The day before her wake when all the family gathered at my home I was filled with bitter sweet feelings comforted by my families presence and so happy to see those who came from so far. I felt almost guilty for laughing and smiling. It started to sink in that I'd have to face grandmas death the day after and that night I was restless up till about 3 am not trusting that I could handle the day ahead I even took a hot shower and then tried to write a few rough drafts but no words were good enough for this grand lady. I started off with memories of a little frame home where love was served on a plate and the cold nights where warmed with hugs and kisses. Where you get the bed with grandpa and drink chocolate milk and I happily sleep on the floor with grandma. I’d always make sure I covered her with the blanket we shared and she’d say, “Siempre soy may flora pa covijar” me meaning I'm always so lazy to cover myself. I would say “yo te covijar” even as an adult she soft spokenly reminded me.

 To recap what I said at her service....I said Marta Lira my grandma “te quero mucho.” When I first learned the words “te amo” this was it a better way to express how I felt to her so I told her, “abuleita te amo” and she’d tell me, “no se dice te amo se dice te quero mucho.”  I said we went to Harlingen every weekend since we had no social life and when she cared for us we never felt there was a lack of a parent because we felt like we were at home and that she's at home today and in peace draw strength from that. We are all here together because her love has united us.

On another note I was thinking is there something like a strength you, Ana, Abram and I share that when faced with death we find the honor we owe them to push through the pain as one last honor and respect. That's the only way I can describe it. I think so.

 

You know I don't know if you were around but I had asked if we could pass grandmas house for one last time and some had mentioned it too. We were all thinking the same thing.As her body passed by her home one last  time was one of the hardest parts for me I not only grieved for myself but for you and the thought of your hurt could be felt in my heart and made me breathless. grandma was a big part of our cousin and brotherly bond. We don't know a life without her. I do have peace to know she is now experiencing heaven. She said it herself why would I want to come back when it will be so beautiful.

love without words